snarkwife

And here I thought I'd have noth­ing to blog today. I went out to the mail­box this after­noon and lo and behold, this month's homeowner's asso­ci­a­tion tabloid had been deliv­ered. Oh boy. Ya'll know how much I love get­ting the Des­per­ate House­wife Gazette. Every month there's some com­pletely use­less local busi­ness review or other sea­sonal non­sense, and every month I talk a big game about stag­ing a hos­tile takeover and throw­ing our editor/publisher/woman about town out on her Mom jean-​covered ass.

This month, on page 3...to the left of a photo of the Yard of the Month and directly above a half-​page ad for a mort­gage com­pany (yes, really)...we have this:

PURPLE PANSY EATERS!

I planted some great look­ing pan­sies last Fall - 12 flats in fact (12 X 18 = 216 flow­ers). They got big and beau­ti­ful with a little water and some mir­a­cle grow. I admired them every day when I went out to fetch my mail. Sud­denly one day I headed out to the mail box, looked over to admire my flow­ers and.......half of them were gone! AWOL! Per­plexed, because I do not know exactly where the pan­sies went or what could have pos­si­bly hap­pened to them, I do nothing.

The next day as I drive up to my house, there he was...Peter Rabbit! He was hap­pily munch­ing on the remain­der of my flow­ers right in front of me. If you do the math he should have gained sub­stan­tial weight after eating the blooms from 108 of my purple flowers!!!

Although Peter Rabbit is fuzzy, brown and cute, I am now mad as a hornet over my lost flow­ers! So I called the City of Allen Animal Con­trol who loaned me a cage and caught Peter Rabbit (who I then relo­cated in a field some miles away - so his diet of purple pan­sies has come to an abrupt halt - I imag­ine he is now enjoy­ing wild sun­flow­ers from the field instead.)

The fol­low­ing day I go out to get the mail and there's another Peter Rabbit having dinner.....yes on my pan­sies again! I've already returned the City's cage, so I went down to Home Depot and bought my own in an effort to rid myself of the little Purple Pansy eaters!!

The traps I found at Home Depot were Model #1089 for "RAC­COONS" (the smaller trap for squir­rels and rab­bits from Lowes for $30 weren't big enough for OUR RAB­BITS who have been din­ning on purple pan­sies). The cost of the cage is $44.99 and worth every penny!! It's also col­lapsi­ble, so you can put the cage away until the next round attacks us! After all Spring is also breed­ing time for rab­bits, so I think they'll be a new bunch back for the Purple Petu­nia buffet in my yard later this summer!

First off, I thought this arti­cle was incred­i­bly sexist. Why did she assume the pansy muncher was a boy? It could have just as easily been Taylor, Brit­ney, or Morgan Rabbit. Was the rabbit bald, with a goatee and a big, paunchy belly? If so, then I'd sus­pect it was a male from Texas. Sec­ondly, if some­thing is eaten...can it be con­sid­ered AWOL? If the pan­sies had asked per­mis­sion before being eaten, would that have been a case for an hon­or­able discharge?

Even better, on page 8 we have this:

SAFETY REMINDER!!! Per THE POLICE DEPART­MENT OF ALLEN
Garage Doors Open & Unattended!

It has been reported and sighted that there are home­own­ers leav­ing their home garage doors open and unat­tended. When you allow this to happen, your prop­erty is left wide open for CRIME to occur. Please remem­ber to always keep your garage door closed during the day or night if you are not in the garage or out­side the door, so you are able to keep a watch­ful eye on your belongings!

That's right...keep those garage doors shut or Peter Rabbit will come by and commit CRIME and EAT your vehicles!!!