Previously, Ingrid returned to the house and Everett the Frog was the unfortunate victim of Montecore, the Scheming Falcon. Bryce sent another psycho banner…love this…”Did you get my first banner?” LOL! Austin got rid of Eleanor, then Eleanor told Austin that he could take his pearl necklace and his half-hearted necklace and shove it up his ass. Hee. I think the woman who plays Eleanor should have received an Emmy nod for her performance because there is no way that I could have pulled off what she had to endure (telling Austin off, crying all the time) and not start to laugh.

2 people, looking for love in all the wrong places…but nothing could be more wrong than this! This is Joe Schmo 2 starring eleven actors and the people who think it’s all real, Tim & Amanda, Joe & Jane Schmo.

Austin & Piper are instructed to focus less on Tim & Amanda and more on the others because the producers are concerned our Schmoes might get their hearts broken…it looks like feelings might be developing.

Lunchtime cookout…Cammy’s apparently going commando and TJ spills the beans (sorry) about Cammy’s “soft-core porn” video, Porked -n- Beans. Another banner comes flying by…”Look behind you”. That’s right everyone…in the most shocking reality twist ever, Bryce (as “The Stalker”) returns to the Last Chance For Love Lair. Tim is not happy.

Royal Music…Derek Newcastle appears. Since Austin was able to bring Ingrid back, it seemed only fair that the same courtesy be extended to Piper. Since Bryce has been so devoted to Piper, sending her banner (P - Forgive Me? -B) after banner (Did you get my first banner?) after banner (Look behind you), Piper was asked if she’d be interested in reinstating someone herself, namely Bryce. She accepted. “Cheers!” Royal music. Derek Newcastle…out!

Oh wait…Derek giveth and Derek taketh away. There will be an eviction ceremony tonight, and one of you male suitors will be gone. Cheers!

Tim & Amanda fill Bryce in on what happened (like he doesn’t know) since he left, and Tim goes out of his way to look like a nice guy while hating Bryce with every core of his being. Tough job.

But Ward, how do we explain to The Bryce that his frog, Everett, is dead? He’ll go ballistic!

Commercials. Premium Nutraceuticals has a “natural remedy” for whatever ails you…male sexual dysfunction, memory loss, mood swings, addiction to reality television. You got a problem, they’ve got a nutrasolution.

Derek’s back. Austin & Piper are playing Lord & Maiden and sitting up in a tower, which I assume came with the house. Each suitor must proclaim his/her feelings and whomever A & P like the best, will get a one-on-one dinner date with our Bachelor and Bachelorette. Gerald’s adorable and sings a song for Piper. What, he didn’t sing a song for Austin? Tim recites a lovely poem and it breaks my heart to think that he actually slaved over that and, all together now, none of this is real. TJ does this Rico Suave hip-hop thing, which is hilarious and all about the S-E-X.

Amanda cartwheels up to the stage and does…a cheer? Cute, but I agree with Tim in that it was awkward to watch. Bryce saw “something about early communication on TV once” and lays into this…yelling. We’re talking full-blown, gutteral screaming to the hills. Wow. Thanks, Bryce…that was…um…nice. Then he crawls up the house to paw at our fair maiden, Piper. Ingrid paints a portrait of Austin with her toes while reciting the Preamble to the Constitution. Cammy’s making balloon animals. I’m sorry, but the actress playing Cammy is brilliant, too. Uh oh. She makes a balloon animal of Everett, the dead frog. Cut to soft-focus, candle-lit memorial of the frog. “Everett ~ 2001-2004″

Cammy & TJ win the one-on-one dates or, what we call in Joe Schmo land, a 3-hour break for the actors.

By the way, the first season of Joe Schmo is out on DVD and if you like silly shows, you’ll love Joe Schmo. We watched practically the whole season in a single weekend and it was hilarious…much better than this season, although Tim & Amanda are fun, no one compares to Matt Kennedy Gould. He’s the penultimate Good Guy.

Dinnertime…Amanda’s supposed to be doing an impression of Derek Newcastle but to me, she sounds frighteningly like Anne Robinson from The Weakest Link. Everyone else does impressions, too. Cammy’s boobs are so big they’re getting in the way. The guys have a contest to see who can guess Cammy’s & Ingrid’s bra sizes. I played along at home…and was close on Cammy’s but way off on Ingrid’s. I would have guessed Ingrid was a C-cup…no way she’s the same cup size as Cammy. Oh well.

Derek shows up and declares that TJ ordered Porked -n- Beans for dessert. I love how Derek shows up with a little 13-inch TV and a huge extension cord…that’s high class. I think this would have been better had they just brought the master Hi-8 videotape and a camera and shown it to everyone a’la Temptation Island.

Ingrid steps on Cammy’s balloon “animal” of Everett. That poor frog.

TJ & Cammy are going on their one-on-one dates but the rest of the suitors get to watch the action on closed-circuit television and they’re wearing little earpieces so they can transmit “advice” to the daters. The girls will “help” TJ, the guys will “help” Cammy. Shoot. There goes my 3-hour break theory.

For one, the voices in your head will be real…pan to Bryce.

Now, TJ…ask about her…be nice…Bryce gets on the horn and tells TJ to get his hands off of Piper. Cammy gets on the mic and tells TJ to tell Piper that yellow goes with her hair, like Rainbow Brite. {snicker} This is a very Gen-X moment, right down to the lack of male social skills when it comes to the female gender.

Tim tells Cammy that it’s not all about her…it’s all about Austin. Get to know him. Gerald, in perfect gotta-be-gay fashion, does a great job of coaching Cammy on how to hit on Austin. Austin appreciates how funny Cammy can be. Oh my, this is probably the funniest segment of television I’ve seen in months. Writing about it doesn’t even start to do this segment justice. It’s Cyrano gone terribly, terribly awry!

Commercials…unlimited gaming at Blockbuster!

It’s time to tell Bryce about Everett’s death. Tim makes the analogy that the whole Everett thing is like a game of Jenga and we’re about to pull the last piece. Dude…that’s deep. Oh yeah, and the frog is dead. The falcon took out the frog? Bryce comes unglued. Cammy starts to laugh and almost loses it but pulls it back together. TJ gets all up in Bryce’s grill…”The bird ate your froggggggggggg…neener neener neener!” Things get rather heated between Bryce and TJ and Tim stepped in before TJ busted out laughing and Bryce ran upstairs to…pout…because this is a very emotional moment. I’m a little verklempt! Talk amongst yourselves…I’ll give you a topic: Rhode Island…it’s not a road, nor is it an island. Discuss.

Tim, TJ & Gerald are having a great time in their room…out of character…and Tim walks in. Whaaa? What eez this we have here? I thought y’ll hated each other! With some skilled improvisation, they declare the Cold War over and peace has been restored to the Lap of Luxury.

Eviction Ceremony. Royal music. Derek & Montecore, the Frog Killer enter. Icy stares between Montecore and Bryce. Let’s see what information Montecore has brought us tonight! Gentlemen, put down your candles. Piper will not be evicting one of you tonight. Instead, Austin will be sending a male suitor home. Tonight gentlemen, you will be having a pearl necklace ceremony. Ewwww.

Let’s begin. Tonight, one of our male suitors will be giving up his seat in Love’s Luxurious First Class Section, instead to be cast out into Rejection’s Middle Seat In Coach. But, I have Love Miles…can I upgrade? The guys plead their cases to…Austin. There is nothing in the world Gerald would like more than a pearl necklace from Austin.

Hee hee heee hee heeeeeeeee…LOL…sorry. Bryce wants to talk to Piper - that’s a big fat, NO. Bryce says there’s nothing anyone (not Derek, not Austin and certainly not that damn bird) can do to keep him and Piper apart.

Austin says that, until today, he hadn’t considered giving a pearl necklace to any of the male suitors. I’ll bet. At the end of the ceremony, whomever’s neck is bare will be asked to leave the mansion immediately. Gerald…may I give you a pearl necklace? Absolutely. TJ…may I give you a pearl necklace? Uhhhhhh…sure. Bryce…may I give you a pearl necklace? Nodding & exasperated relief.

Uh oh. Joe Schmo doesn’t get a pearl necklace. Austin, would you care to address Tim? I think that you’re a wonderful guy and all of you are well suited for Piper, but I think your connection may not be as strong. Tim gives Piper a hug and a kiss, says it’s been a blast but all great things must come to an end. Great friends…blah blah…more than anything could buy. Tim, your neck is bare and so is your place in Austin’s heart.

An unexpected turn of events. What’s going on? What kind of lame charade can they use this time to bring Tim back? Or…are they not bringing him back? Tune in next week!

By the way…I saw Ashleigh the Rich Bitch from Season One of Joe Schmo in a Seasonale birth control pill commercial. Watch for that one!