Since my 9 p.m. slot on Tuesdays is wired shut with The Non-HDTV Until Next Week Amazing Race, at 8 I had a decision to make…Last Comic Standing or I Love the 90s. I gotta tell you, Hal Sparks is three times as funny as everyone in Last Comic Standing combined. Seriously. Other than the “I Love the” franchise on VH1, the only time I’ve seen the guy was in Dude, Where’s My Car? I don’t have Showtime or HBO or whichever channel carries Queer as Folk so I can’t tell you about his dramatic abilities but he is wicked funny!

I waffle…hmmm…what to watch…comics taking themselves far too seriously…OR…a trip through my junior and senior years of college? Wait…hang on…is that Billy Ray Cyrus I see? I Love the 90s it is!

Nah…I’m back to LCS. 1992 wasn’t as cool as I remembered it. If you’re dying to watch it though, VH1 will show it 200 more times this week.

Previously on Just Because You’re a Gay Comic, That Doesn’t Make You Ellen Degeneres, Gary Gulman beats Ant during the Head to Head Challenge. Gulman comes back to the castle Apprentice-style, opening the door ever-so-slowly so the producers would have us believe the other comics are really concerned about who won and who lost. Conversation…blah, blah, blah…cut to commercial.

This week’s Last Comic Standing Immunity Challenge was to go to the ‘hood and face their toughest crowd ever…a bunch of children. No, I’m not talking about a room full of heckling bachelorette parties, we’re talking about little kids. I’m with you Kathleen, clowns are creepy and the emcee for this show is no exception. The comics all drew licorice sticks…longest goes last, shortest goes first.

I’m sorry, this was a really lame challenge. Kids don’t have long enough attention spans to completely pick their nose, much less listen to seven people in a row attempt to entertain them. Poor John Heffron. He’s first. You know those kids aren’t going to remember him. No…I take that back. Get the kids to say “skunk” three dozen times…they’ll remember you! Good idea! Gary Gulman…LOL…dude, no. Jay London…he didn’t even dress up and still managed to scare the kids.

Tammy Pescatelli…kids don’t go for your mafiosa schtick. Oh wait, she wasn’t doing mafiosa schtick. My bad. Corey Holcomb…the first kid he talks to is black. Alonzo Bodden…the evil genie, rolled around on the floor and acted like a total dork. Then…Kathleen Madigan…my leprechauny girl…she connected with the kids! She engaged them instead of treating them like idiots…good plan and it worked! BUT…would the kids like her best? The kids put stickers on the comedian they thought was funniest and…the winner is…Kathleen Madigan! Yeah baby…she’s immune for another week!

Kathleen also wins a 4-course meal at some restaurant I can’t pronounce…Noe? Hoi-tay toi-tay is how we say it in these here parts! The limo is waiting and she has to pick 2 people right now to go with. She picks Gary and Corey, because Corey took her to Aspen. Fair enough. What’s up with the rest of the LCS comics? Are these people channeling the cast from The Real World with their lack of cooking skills and bad hair? Of course, everyone talks about each other and discusses their alliances and who needs the TV deal more. Right now, I’m thinking Billy Ray Cyrus needs the TV deal more.

The next 20 minutes was basically everyone talking about how nervous they are, consequences, Final Five…who they’re going to vote for. This is a good opportunity to switch over to VH1. Click. Ah geez…Sir Mix-a-Lot…Baby Got Back…man, I hated that song! Ren & Stimpy. Never got that craze. Think I was too busy working 30 hours a week and attending college full-time to watch it. No, I’m not bitter! Happy happy joy joy. Click.

Time for the LCS “I’m funnier than you” vote. We have a tie…Gary Gulman and Jay London. When there’s a tie I guess they automatically go up against each other in the Head to Head Challenge, which makes sense. Jay London…not funny. He kept saying “it’s going to get better” during his act but…it never did! He also said “Don’t worry, you’ll never see me again” at least three times. Please, if there’s a God…let that be true! Gary Gulman…much funnier…you can’t go wrong with jokes about the “ropes” we all had to climb in elementary school! With 89% of the vote, Gary Gulman won…hey, say what you want about the 2004 Presidential Election but the people in the LCS Theater voted for the right man! Oh God. The “voted out” comics come back next week. As long as Scoutmaster Lil isn’t among them, I think we’ll be okay.

Warm fuzzy Amazing Race music…oh sweet show, how I look forward to our secret rendezvous every week! I think it would be great if our remaining ten teams had to go to the ghetto of Argentina and perform comedy acts in front of local children. Now that’s television, folks! Eat, sleep and mingle with the other teams. The teams have to drive to Montevideo and some rave-y disco club to find a clue inside bouncing balls on the dance floor.

Alison & Donny, who yell at each other as their form of communication (their words), are first to go. I’m really starting to like the Bowling Moms…they cheer when they see the sign to Montevideo because they know they’re not lost…and I cheer with them. They’re reminiscent of Ken & Gerard from Season 3. Marla and Chirna…can’t drive and get lost. The Bitchy, Bickering Twins bitch and bicker the whole drive. Jim & Marsha are playing the “gimp” card which sadly, they seem to have stolen from the ample supply in Chirna’s backpack. The Bowling Moms get the clue first and drive to a ferry station so they can head to Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Everyone makes the ferry. Once they get to Buenos Aires, they have to go to Eva Peron’s grave to find their next clue. Recoleta Cemetery is HUGE. OH MY GOD. Charla’s too small to walk the distance! Please Mr. Man Driving the Golf Cart, drive us to Eva’s grave! A couple other teams did the same thing, so I feel better. Half the teams go to the wrong cemetery…they go to the one where Eva’s husband is buried.

Detour! Perro or Tango. Dog walking or something with a tango dancer. I had to mute Alison and Donny. They’re just as bad as Tara and Wil were. Unfortunately, the Bowling Moms were walking next to them and didn’t have the luxury of a mute button. The twins actually talk to the dogs in Spanish. Hee. Next stop? La Invernada, a ranch outside of Buenos Aires which everyone reaches via bus. Marla & Chirna are still in first place. Alison & Donny could take some dog-walking tips from Bob & Joyce because they float effortlessly through the streets!

Roadblock! Quick hands & quick feet…ribbon roping! Team members have to get a bandanna off of a calf. They can’t tackle or knock over the cow (which in my opinion, would be a better challenge), but once they get a bandanna, a gaucho (UCSB shout-out!) gives them their next clue. Oh man, this was funny. Mirna’s afraid of cows…man, this girl can’t deal with beef dead OR alive. Good dog walking apparently doesn’t pay. Bob & Joyce are in last place. God must have stopped time so Brandon & Nicole could effortlessly get their bandanna. Their next clue requires them to take a horse-drawn carriage to La Potena, the pit stop for this leg of the race. Everyone say it with me, “the last team to check in will be eliminated.” What happened to all of the teams shifting places fifteen times each episode? Brandon & Nicole are the first to arrive…Marla wants to show the world what she’s capable of. Yes, we know. Bob & Joyce arrive fifth to the pit stop. Alison & Donny arrive last and are eliminated from the race. Thank God. And with that, the Earth tips back into it’s orbital balance.

Quote of the show from one Bowling Mom to the other, “You outsmarted a cow!” Way to go, ladies. I’m rooting for these two. They probably won’t win but I’ve always been an advocate for the underdog!