I didn’t realize just how spoiled I was by my DVR until last night, when I had to take my notes on North Shore for today’s post without the luxury of pausing or rewinding the show. To make matters worse…Spike TV…you guys are killing me! I didn’t remember that Joe Schmo 2 is on at 10:00 p.m. on Monday nights…what kind of fan am I? I caught about ten minutes of it before I fell asleep. I’ll try to recap it when it repeats on Sunday night and get back on track next week.

Huge waves. Blue water. Sunny skies. Secret Service agents canvassing the beach with German shepherds. The Grand Waimea. Paradise. Found.

Oh geez…Sabrina the Mid-20s Witch is staying at the Grand Waimea this week. Oh, sorry…Miss Hart is staying at the hotel. Dennis Rodman is there too! An ugly journalist is there to cover the Vice President’s visit. Vincent needs Jason. If this Vice Presidential visit doesn’t go perfectly, someone’s going to get fired. Well Vincent, it just wouldn’t be North Shore without at least one veiled job-loss threat each episode and we got this one in early, at the 5-minute mark.

The Vice President got held up in L.A. and is going straight to his speech at Pearl Harbor, so his college-aged daughter Emily is sent up to the Grand Waimea unchaperoned. Vincent wants some female supervision for Emily but the Director of Important Guest Relations, Nicole…is taking the day off. Tailey offers to fill in but Vincent doesn’t want a skanky felon taking care of the Second Daughter, but thanks for the offer.

Cut to Nicole and Morgan on the beach…of the Grand Waimea. I don’t know about you, but I don’t go to my place of business on my day off. Oh wait…yes, I do! Tailey delivers the good news that Vincent needs Nicole to babysit their young VIP.

Hot guy on a surfboard…and Gabriel. Ooh…wait, hot guy is a “professional surfer”. Gabe plays starstruck teenager. “Why don’t you paddle out with me?” Ah, the international language of surfing. Has young Gabriel found a mentor? Gabriel-san…wax (surfboard) on, wax (surfboard) off.

Gabriel’s half an hour late to work…again. Someone please buy this guy a waterproof watch! Gabe is SO PSYCHED (dude) that he met Trey Something-Or-Other, this super-cool pro surfer guy (dude)! Turns out Mr. MiyagiTrey screwed MJ over in a previous life and no one at the Grand Waimea likes him. Jason docks Gabe’s pay for showing up late. Gabe calls Jason, his boss, a jerk. Not a good move, buddy. Gabe accuses Jason of becoming a jerk since Nicole showed up. Didn’t you hear me, pal? I said, not a good move. See? This is what happens when a manager knocks back beers at the Surf Hut with his subordinates…they don’t respect his authori-tay!

Nicole shows up in a bikini to entertain Emily. Poor thing. Emily was hoping to spend time with her dad and instead, she’s stuck with Nicole. I feel her pain. I’m stuck with Nicole for an hour a week and that’s pushing the limits of my sanity. Nicole has done shots with Emily’s favorite band “Orgy” though, and can show her where the lead singer threw up in the bushes! Nice. This has endeared Nicole to Emily and off they go.

MJ makes out with her Extreme Boyfriend, then Gabe bitches to the Extreme Boyfriend about what a drag his boss is. Gabe shoves his foot clear down to his stomach by pointing out that no one knows who the VP is, so what’s with all the security…in front of Nicole and Emily.

Mr. MiyagiTrey pops in to say hello to MJ. Cordial exchanges of hello, a couple of “you look goods” and then Trey has the balls to say, “I miss you. I hurt you. I know and I’m sorry. Why don’t you come up to my cabin like you used to?” I think he broke the land-speed record for asking an ex to hop into the sack. Too bad, so sad…she’s dating someone new. And, he’s about 15 feet away on the beach. Trey looks sorry and forlorn, MJ falls for it and now would like to “catch up…just as friends.” Ooh…bad, bad, bad idea.

Emily thinks Gabe is hot. Emily also thinks Jason is hot. Emily runs up to Ugly Journalist and tosses her off of the pier and into the ocean. Turns out Ugly Journalist is also Daddy’s Ugly Mistress.

The head Secret Service guy (we’ll call him Rumsfeld) immediately hijacks Jason and hauls him into Vincent’s office.

Rumsfeld: What happened?
Jason: I saw Emily toss a guest into the water.
Rumsfeld: You saw nothing and you are going to KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

Whoops…guess we don’t want the VP’s dirty little secret revealed. Vincent enters his own office, then takes Jason to another room where he says, “Take the day off, Jason…these guys can complicate your life if you don’t stay out of their way.” We then find out that “Take the day off” is really code for: follow Morgan around. Don’t forget the hat and sunglasses, Jason. A blonde wig might help, too.

Emily gets a massage. Daddy promised her and her mom that the affair was over! Nicole understands because her dad cheats, too. Tailey skulks up to the spa tent. Vincent wants to see Nicole. Tailey knows it’s none of her business, but tells Emily she looks like she could use a vacation. Emily wishes she could be invisible and didn’t have so much security. Tailey says, “Maybe I can help.”

Morgan. Golf course. Jason shows up…to…caddy? Darn, no blonde wig. Jason plays stupid and says that he just wants Nicole to be happy and that there are no hard feelings between him and Morgan. Morgan apologizes for his previous trash talk and asks Jason to go someplace more lively so they can talk.

MJ shows up to see Trey in an outfit that screams “I really want to hook up.” They reminisce about “those crazy times” and Frankie comes home just in time to break up the reunion with a hard, cold stare and a “can I talk to you?” to MJ. Yikes. If looks could kill.

Frankie relives MJ’s pathetic past actions with Trey and points out that she has an amazing boyfriend already and pretty much orders MJ to “tell that bum to get his ass off the property.” Good going, Frankie. MJ tells Trey she can’t go out with him because she wants to respect herself, Trey says he does respect her. She turns away, he grabs her and she knocks him off the patio and onto the sand. Hee.

Nicole shows up to find Emily at the spa, only to find…someone else. Uh oh. The girl, she is gone!

Emily arrives at the Surf Hut, looking for Gabe but Gabe has gone into Waikiki. Extreme Boyfriend offers to help Emily track him down and the two of them hop on EB’s motorcycle for the 45-minute drive to Waikiki. MJ sees the two of them and assumes the worst.

Vincent interrogates Nicole about Emily’s disappearance. Nicole would “never put the hotel at risk” when Vincent asks if she helped their young charge escape. Tailey accuses Nicole of ruining everything since “Didn’t Vincent ask you to be in charge of her?” Meow. Shouldn’t she be making restaurant reservations…or scheduling a deep-sea fishing trip? For an assistant concierge, she doesn’t seem to do much except smirk.

Honolulu strip club. Nice. Morgan & Jason. Jason wants to know why Nicole’s dad thinks he can buy the hotel. Morgan says Vincent doesn’t have the $$ to keep it. Morgan asks for a lap dance. His cell phone rings and it’s Nicole. Of course his phone rang. All women have a fine-tuned lap dance radar and know the exact moment to call. Don’t believe me? Ask your female significant other…we just know. Morgan sends the call to voice mail and asks Jason to cover for their little side trip. Jason makes a smart move and beelines for the exit.

With both of her dating prospects gone for the evening, MJ decides to pick up another shift and runs into Tailey. Blah blah…she’s got a great boyfriend but why does she get all stupid when the ex shows up..blah blah. MJ tells Tailey that she saw Chris leave with Emily on his motorcycle. Tailey smiles then tattles on Nicole for losing Emily.

“Try not to be too hard on Nicole,” Tailey says to Vincent, “I’m sure she didn’t lose Emily on purpose.” God, she is BAD!

Pipeline Cafe. Emily, Chris, and Gabe. Having successfully delivered the contraband to Gabe, Chris leaves. Look out kids…it’s wet t-shirt night at the Pipeline Cafe! Emily’s gonna do it! Uh oh. Emily takes off her bra and tosses it into the crowd and the hose-down begins. Oh my. People start taking pictures and Gabe goes up and drags Emily off the stage. Rumsfeld and His Merry Men show up and put a gun in Gabe’s face, then handcuff him and haul him out. Jason says, disappointingly, “Gabriel, what a surprise.”

Everyone is hauled out of the club and Gabe declares that he was just trying to help. Jason goes head-to-head with Rumsfeld in defense of Gabe and pretty much every other employee at the hotel. Rumsfeld cuts Gabe loose. Jason tells Gabe that he’s not going to fire him and, “You know what you want to do in life and I’m going to help you do that. You’d just better go pro.”

Nicole shows up at Emily’s door, which is now guarded by half a dozen Secret Service agents. “Want to talk about last night? Why don’t you talk to your dad…tell him how you feel?” This is like the third episode where Nicole has given this speech. No one in Guest Relations at hotels ever wants to help me. Hell, I can’t get extra towels half the time, much less advice on how to fix my life. Thanks Nicole, I’ll talk to Dad…sorry I got you into trouble. Emily lets it slip that Tailey helped her sneak out. Whoops.

Nicole escorts Emily to her dad, the VP…and his motorcade then lets it fly with Tailey. “I know what you did. I know what you did. If you want a war, trust me…you’ve got one.” {giggle} Oooooooh. Tailey? Definitely scary. Nicole? Not so much.

Gabe shows up early for work with a new lease on life and talks to MJ about what happened down at the club. MJ realizes that Extreme Boyfriend wasn’t scamming on Emily and she takes off and gives him a big kiss on the same beach where, once again, my husband and I stayed last month. I recognize the little watercraft shack. Trey sees the happy couple and realizes he’s not going to be in the next episode.

Jason and Nicole gaze at the ocean. Nicole thinks it’s time she started living her life, making her own mistakes. Jason tells her to trust her heart…it’s the best guide she’s got. Morgan shows up and confesses to going to the strip club because honesty is an endearing quality in a husband-to-be. He says he’s the luckiest guy. Awww…Morgannnnnnnnnnn! “I’m ready to be a husband”, blah blah blah. Morgan wants to elope. Today, tomorrow, the sooner the better. Of course he wants to elope…everyone is on to him and he needs to make this deal permanent ASAP. Nicole’s ecstatic…Jason’s dumbfounded and I’m so happy there are only five minutes left of the show.

No North Shore next Monday, but in two weeks…Nicole’s daddy shows up for the “event of the year”…Nicole’s elopement which looks like it turns into a full-blown wedding. Should be fun. I’m hoping Nicole winds up in the ocean in her wedding gown.

Three more days until I get my DVR back, resurrected as Tivo.