Previously on The Amazing Race…9 teams left a cattle ranch in the Argentine countryside and headed off to the Argentine mountainside. Alliances were formed, alliances were broken, Charla was electrocuted, Military Dad & Military Daughter were eliminated. Did I mention Charla was electrocuted?

You know, it just dawned on me…I think Ant from Last Comic Standing is either Marshall or Lance from Team Cosa Nostra. What, you don’t see the resemblance? And, you haven’t noticed that they’re never in the same place at the same time? Mm hmm. Think about it.

Eight teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Mandatory rest period. Sleep, eat, mingle and for Mirna, curl hair. Colin & Christie depart at 3:10 a.m. Teams must travel 20 hours by bus to Buenos Aires, then fly more than 8,000 miles to St. Petersburg, Russia. When they land, they’ll have to find the Battleship Aurora, where they’ll receive their next clue. Yikes. Charla & Mirna (Cousins/Yogi & Boo Boo) are very excited about going to Russia. Brandon and Nicole, although they are Christians and want to share the love of the Lord with other people, have no problem screwing everyone else over in the spirit of the race.

The earliest bus leaves at…wait, we don’t find out because Mirna butts in and interrupts Colin’s conversation with the bus station employee. How rude!

The Bowling Moms are amped at the thought of bowling in Russia. I wish everyone would stop wearing matching shirts…reminds me of the Sadie Hawkins dances in high school. Marshall and Lance are the last team to leave…and correctly identified Russia as being in the “cold” part of the world with the statement, “Get the winter gear out!”

Colin & Christie are starting to show some intelligence…asking around for the bus schedules instead of being sheep and just getting in the same line as everyone else. Bus station drama…no one’s keeping to the organized line. Yogi & Boo Boo have themselves and don’t need anyone else…especially Colin and his tall, lanky girlfriend.

The first bus leaves at 9:30 a.m., but the teams on this bus don’t have any other travel arrangements made. The teams traveling on the noon bus already have plane tickets in hand and are ready to go. The second bus also happens to be an express bus (that’s “expresso busso” for you Mirna fans) and gets to Buenos Aires at the same time as Bus #1.

Brandon & Nicole are having second thoughts about their mob mentality race strategy and were hoping to break the teams up a bit more. They decide to branch off on their own, albeit clandestinely. Mirna & Charla find the flight to St. Petersburg is full and, thankfully, don’t try to convince the ticket agent that Boo Boo needs to get to a doctor in Russia ASAP.

Team KamiKarli & the Bowling Moms form an alliance because they like each other. That’s the worst reason ever to align with another team. Brandon successfully gets both him and Nicole on an earlier flight to St. Petersburg. Finally…finally…it looks like everyone is breaking up a little bit. Yogi & Boo Boo still don’t have plane tickets. Bob & Joyce discover their confirmed plane tickets are in Business Class…that’s a big no-no. Joyce gets upset and Bob tells her to “be positive.” Okay Bob…I’ll be positive…I’m positive we’re screwed. I love playing armchair dialogue writer. Yogi & Boo Boo still don’t have plane tickets. Did I mention Charla was electrocuted last week?

Bob & Joyce, Team KarliKami & the Bowling Moms all get their tickets and take off. Charla & Mirna are flying to St. Petersburg with only one stop so dammit, it looks like they won’t be last for very long. Grrrrrrrrr! Sure enough, they meet up with archenemies Team Cosa Nostra on their layover.

Colin & Christie are currently in first place and wearing…cold weather clothing. I assume they get a different backpack for each climate…no way they got everything in that one bag.

Detour. Block 5 Shots or Drink 1 Shot. In Block 5 Shots, teams go a short distance to a hockey rink, put on protective gear and step into the goals. Working together, they have to block 5 slapshots from a professional hockey team. In Drink 1 Shot, teams travel a longer distance to Anichkov Palace, grab a sword, balance a shot glass of vodka on the blade and tilt the sword so they drink the shot without dropping the shot glass.

Brandon isn’t comfortable drinking alcohol so they go do the impossible Block 5 Shots task. Nicole thinks Brandon’s an idiot for doing this all to prove some dumb principle about being a good example. Christian values…yadda, yadda, yadda. She is not happy.

Colin downs his shot on the first try. Good work, my friend. Teams must now go to the Bronze Horseman, a statue of Peter the Great, where they will find their next clue. Teams must then travel out of the city to Pushkin and find the Old Tower Restaurant, where they’ll receive their next clue. Colin & Christie are so far ahead, it’s not funny.

Brandon & Nicole get their 5 shots blocked and Brandon pats himself on the back for being such a good Christian.

Roadblock. This is a task that only one person can perform. “Who’s got a taste for the good life?” In this Roadblock, that person has to eat 1 kilogram of caviar or, for those of us in the United States, just over 2 lbs. of fish eggs. Once they’ve finished eating it, the waiter will give them the next clue.

Gulp.

Christie volunteers. Yuck. What a trooper. Team Cosa Nostra does their 1 shot and Team Jellystone actually goes to play hockey with accompanying music that sounds oddly like Russian circus music. Mirna’s Russian sounds strangely like Spanish and Italian. Poor Christie…she’s still tackling the fish eggs. Colin is being such a good guy, too. You know what? I’ve just decided I want them to win. I will call them Team C & C.

Chip & Kim do their shot. Nicole volunteers for fisheggapalooza but has second thoughts when she sees Christie in tears, on the edge of a nervous breakdown. God, and she’s only halfway done. Chip shows up and starts devouring the fish eggs. This does not motivate Christie at all. Charla’s got a taste for the good life, too. Chip is the first one done and just like that…Colin & Christie’s lead is gone. Nevermind…I don’t want Team C & C to win. Charla’s taunting seems to have lit a flame under Christie’s ass and she at least tries to finish…and she does.

Teams must now choose a horse-drawn sleigh and go to Catherine’s Palace, which is the pit stop for this leg of the race. The last team to check in will be eliminated.

This week’s Amazing Quote is from Yogi to Boo Boo while eating the caviar: “Concentrate on what you’re doing. Put the damn thing in your mouth. Shove it.” No Mirna, you shove it.

Chip & Kim are team number one. Wow…quite a comeback! God, I just can’t handle the extreme closeups of so many people eating so much caviar. Nicole is sick. Colin & Christie are team number two and Colin is very proud of his teammate. I can tell, what with that tight-jawed expression and all, Colin. Buddy…smile…give the poor girl a hug. She scarfed caviar for you! Never mind…I want them to win again.

Nicole’s about to pass out. The Bowling Moms and KamiKarli finally arrive at the St. Petersburg airport. I was wondering where they were. Bob & Joyce finally land, too…doesn’t look good for them.

Yogi & Boo Boo are team #4. Damn. Safe for another week. Bowling Moms & Twins do their shots…little do they know what yummy local delicacies await them in Pushkin. Nicole is still sick. I’m going to be really upset if they lose the race because of this. Nicole’s got her second wind and Brandon is cheering her on. Atta girl…and she’s done. Check, please! Nicole and Brandon love each other…awww…and they’re team #5.

The Bowling Moms knock back their caviar with ease and are Team #6. KamiKarli finish up and it looks like Bob & Joyce will be the last team to arrive. It’s painful to watch Joyce eat all that caviar and know that they’re going home. What a bummer. They’re such a cute couple. I didn’t peg them as the eventual winners but they’re an adorable couple, even when Joyce is crying because she knows they’ve lost. I’m actually teary-eyed at the kind words Bob has to say for Joyce.

Next week…injuries abound. Brandon & Nicole grow closer and Charla braves the depths of an underground tomb.