I read an article today that described Trading Spouses as swinging…”without the fringe benefits.” I must concur. Plus, my eyes hurt for a solid 30 minutes after the end of last night’s show because I was rolling my eyes so much.

However, ever the glutton for punishment, I navigate my satellite guide to Fox 4 at 7 p.m., click “Select” and the warm glow of trashy television envelops me. Ahhh…Nana Nakamura…take me awaaaaaaaaaaay…

Recaps of last night’s mom switcharoo. Tammy sleeping in, barking orders and demanding her host family go out and buy her lunch because she doesn’t feel like cooking. Al-Mela trying to unstick her eyes from the wide-eyed position they froze in when she first saw the Nakamura’s house. High carb Doritos, low carb sushi. Each mom must decide how the other family spends their $50,000.

I promise, I won’t recap this show any more. I had to do it this time though, because both families were from Dallas.

Tammy doesn’t want to get up. I am sorry, but she is a gigantic pain in the ass. Anthony wants his $50,000 check and he wants uber-bitch out of his house. Al-Mela busts the kids out of bed and then makes the “wrong” breakfast. Nana does the breakfast food shuffle and crisis is averted. God forbid the kids should eat omelets with the yolks in them.

Saint Tammy does “girl things” (read: pedicure) with the Biggins daughter and proceeds to lay out a sermon that would make Billy Graham proud. Take care of yourself, wait until you’re older to have kids and for crying out loud girlfriend, lay off the carbs!

Al-Mela has the same pedicure experience with Natalia Nakamura, only instead of a horrific “Shut up while I talk at you” environment, the two of them actually communicate. Natalia likes Al-Mela because although she’s a mom, she’s also only 29 and is still young enough to relate to the teenagers. Just you wait Al-Mela…once you hit 31 you can’t communicate with teenagers anymore. It’s physically impossible. I know.

Morning of the party. Tammy wants the yard to be perfect because that’s where they’re having the party. She’s looking forward to seeing how they’ll react to her. Look at me, look at me, look at me! I’m used to being the center of attention! Not only is she a big PITA, she’s also incredibly arrogant and self-righteous.

First twist…both moms are told that they need to take charge in their new homes. Al-Mela gives Nana the day off (first time since 1951, I’d guess) and demands that the other members of the family get off their lazy butts and contribute. Power struggle between Papa Nakamura & Mama Biggins with Papa saying, “This is my home and this is the way it’s gonna happen.” Not a good move, buddy…I’ll bet he doesn’t get a dime of the 50 grand. Apparently, the cheapo Nakamuras are used to having potluck parties, where their guests basically bring their own food. Al-Mela doesn’t do things like that…she fixes the food since these people are her guests. Shocked expressions from all resident Nakamuras.

The same scene plays out at the Biggins house. They’re going to make the shift to doing things the way Tammy does them. Umm…whose way have they been doing things since this whole thing started? She declares the Biggins house a “No Chicken Wing Zone”. Apparently, they’ll kill you eventually. I think Tammy should be worrying about her mortality with Anthony more than the wings.

2 hours until party time. Tammy’s also declared the house a “No Nachos Zone.” They have to eat healthy stuff. We’re not watching annnnnnnnnnnnnny TV today. No TV, no video games and no movies. No fun. No shirt, no shoes, no service. Man, don’t let this woman near my house. Clean this…clean that. What I find odd is that they cleaned this house top to bottom what, three days ago?

Oh give me a break…Tammy went to Central Market to get all of her party food!!!!! That isn’t healthy, it’s just quick and convenient. I was so hoping she’d actually cook but, to be fair, going to Central Market was a pretty ingenious idea. By the way, who fronted the money for these parties?

Tammy comes back home after shopping and the kids…snicker…haven’t…ha ha…done anything she told them to do! Yeaaaaaaaaaaah! Take that, witchy woman! “Let’s work together to get it done,” but I’ll be back here in the room knocking back a cold one and watching the game. Don’t mind me! So much for “no TVs.”

Party time. The Nakamura’s friends start off looking like snobs, excluding Al-Mela. Guess they’re used to their hostess drinking beer and watching the game in the back room so they don’t think to acknowledge her presence. Speaking of which, Tammy actually does seem to mingle well with the Biggins friends…so far. Nakamura friends drag Al-Mela out of the kitchen and start serving her cocktails. Oh boy. I didn’t realize Tammy was going to play country music at her party…that’s funny. It’s not even good country music, like Faith Hill or Clint Black…it’s hillbilly Kentucky yee-haw country music.

Al-Mela is a wonderful hostess. She’s very gracious, her food seems to go over well and everyone has a good time. Tammy thinks she’s very gracious, thinks her food goes over well and knows everyone had a good time.

Post-party, Tammy reads the Biggins family an inspirational story that’s supposed to…I don’t know…save them?

Al-Mela thanks the Nakamura family and appreciates the experience. This lady has class. She is just so neat.

Tammy’s getting ready to go…are you kids going to miss me? Smooch smooch smooch. Call me (no, not really)…but whatever you do, do NOT come to visit me. She didn’t really say that, but I bet it’s what she was thinking.

The moms must now decide how their host families will spend their $50,000. The proverbial moment of truth, if you will. They write out their letters and then…seal them with wax in an envelope? How…reality show-ish. I guess this was Fox’s last ditch effort at exhibiting a little class. Too little, too late.

Both moms sneak out of the houses before dawn. That’s strange. It looks like they’re meeting on the For Love or Money set, but actually…hey, it’s the lobby at the Hotel Adolphus in downtown Dallas! I recognize that place! That’s why they did this at 4 a.m. ~ so there wouldn’t be anyone there!

Mamas meet…teary hugs. Tammy is “touched” by the experience and wants to keep in touch. Whatever. The women exchange the money envelopes and go back to their homes. LOL…Anthony’s a good dad. The kids all got up and cleaned the house for Mama Biggins. That’s neat…they missed her and I bet they all appreciate her a bit more!

With Tammy gone, apparently there was no organization to the Nakamura house. You’re right Dr. Nakamura, it looked like everything went to Hell in a handbasket without Princess around.

Breaking the news to the families…the other mom got to decide how the money would be spent. Al-Mela opens her envelope and…the winner is…Julia Roberts for Erin Brockovich! Simply put, the familes are both pissed. For people who claim to now be lifelong friends with each other, they sure are quick to spout off that the other mom doesn’t know anything about them.

To the Biggins family…it is my job to allocate the $50,000 this way…$20,000 to pay off the outstanding bills, $22,000 to be used for a down payment on a new home and the rest goes to the family to spend how they want. Good work, Tammy.

For the Nakamuras…LOL…Tammy is shaking when she reads the letter! Please, give me some money so I can get more foundation at the Chanel counter at Neimans! Al-Mela has allocated all of the money to Nana to buy a new car and whatever is left over, the family will put towards a trip to Japan! Wow. That’s a shock but you know what, Nana deserves it because I don’t think anyone else in their family does. Nana had a huge impact on Al-Mela and that’s just so…appropriate and…right. Nana, now that you’ve stolen our money, get back into the kitchen and fix us some gyoza.

I’ll wrap up this post by quoting Tammy, “One of the benefits to Nana getting the money, which is a benefit to us, is that Nana will pay taxes in her tax bracket as opposed to our tax bracket, which is two completely different tax brackets.”

Oh. My. God. And with that, my recaps of Trading Spouses are on permanent hiatus.