Previously on The Amazing Race…8 teams set off from Argentina and traveled more than 9,000 miles to St. Petersburg, Russia. Mirna used Charla as protective gear while blocking hockey pucks, Chip voraciously ate a kilogram of caviar and the Internet Dating Poster Kids, Bob & Joyce were eliminated from the race. Man, I’m going to miss those two.

7 teams remain…who will be eliminated next?

Catherine’s Palace in St. Petersburg is the pitstop for this leg of the race. Sleep and mingle with the other teams. I eliminated “eat” because, based on the amount of caviar consumed a half hour before they all arrived at the pit stop, I’m guessing not much else went into their stomachs. Lots of perestroika.

Chip & Kim are the first to depart at 9:11 a.m. Teams must make their way to the Hermitage Museum in St. Petersburg, one of the world’s largest museums. Once there, a curator will follow them around as they search 3 million pieces on exhibit until they find Rembrandt’s “The Return of the Prodigal Son.” This sounds daunting but, as we find out later…I guess all you have to do is ask around and people will tell you where the painting is. I never thought to do that which means, despite all of my exclamations to the contrary, I would suck at this race because I don’t think to ask people for help.

Be that as it may, there’s a big time lag between teams this time around, which always makes for a fun race. It’s much more dramatic when teams who had a 2-hour lead not only lose that lead but then wind up in last place. Hey, it’s happened.

Charla & Mirna can’t find a taxi…or the train station…or an Italian-to-Russian dictionary so they resort to “Eeeeees taxi?” and “Choo choo?” Chip & Kim are the first team to the museum and meet up with their curator, Sergei. What a grump. Lance & Marshall agree with me as they point out that the Russians on the bus appear to be the most miserable people on Earth. Of course, they have a limited frame of reference, what with being from Dallas and all. What, they’ve never ridden a DART bus?

Charla & Mirna have found a bus…and a woman who tells them exactly where to find the painting in the museum. Dammit! I hate that they’re so…resourceful. Brandon says, “I could see myself getting married to Nicki…she’s everything a guy could want.” Hey Brando, you sure know how to sweet talk a woman. I know that there’s nothing I like to hear more from my man than I might be someone he could marry. Sends all sorts of happy/angry shivers up my spine.

Brandon & Nicole aren’t the only ones on the God Train, because Chip & Kim’s “staunch Christianness” tells them exactly how to find the Rembrandt painting…follow the story, silly! Their 1st place berth is secure. Colin & Christie are in 2nd. Team Cosa Nostra (”Bitchers/Moaners”) is in 3rd. I think The Amazing Race needs to institute another facet to each clue: Stop for half a second, take a look around, marvel at where you are and what you’re doing…then continue on the race. This would add what, 5 seconds? Over the entire course of the race it wouldn’t affect anyone’s standings. It really wouldn’t…and then everyone could appreciate all they’re seeing.

Teams must now fly more than 2,000 miles to Cairo, Egypt and find the Tower of Cairo, an observation tower overlooking the city. Bowling Moms & Twins are duking it out for last place. And oh, what a fight it is. Mirna thinks she speaks the local language as she says to the travel agent, “Hellooooo bellissimo…” For chrissakes Mirna, you’re in RUSSIA!

Everyone needs tickets to Cairo, Egypt and we need to get there as fast as possible.

Colin & Christie get out of Russia first, leaving about 45 minutes before everyone else, save the Bowling Moms and the Twins. The Twins find the painting sixth and get on the same flight as everyone else. Bowling Moms are in last place and ask the driver to take them to the airport. The clueless look on the driver’s face, combined with the ominous Last Place Music, leads me to believe “airport” is not in his vocabulary.

Oh no…..the taxi driver dropped them off at the regional airport…not the international airport. Oh nooooooooo! That’s it. I think our Bowling Moms are down for the count. Why, oh why are all of my favorite teams losing? Oh yay…the Bowling Moms get on a later flight but will meet up with everyone else at 3:15 the next afternoon! The best part? It looks like our Bowling Moms actually had a chance to take a shower, fix their hair and put on fresh makeup before their flight left the next morning. Good for them.

Colin & Christie land in Paris and change their itinerary, which will get them in to Cairo twelve hours before everyone else. Brilliant! I swear, these two are going to win. I see them actually racing. They arrive in Cairo at 2 in the morning and have to camp out at the Tower of Cairo until it opens at 9 a.m., but they’ll still 7 hours ahead of everyone else. Yogi & Boo Boo sneak off from their flock and get on an earlier Alitalia flight to Cairo, which will give them a 50-minute advantage over the other five teams. Finally, Mirna can say “Bellissimo!” and not look like an idiot. Well, maybe.

The other teams may not like Yogi & Boo Boo, but also know they’re not stupid and deduce correctly when they’re not there (baa!), that they probably got on an earlier flight and are now ahead of them. When the Tower of Cairo opens, Colin & Christie find the Fast Forward.

This is the first of only 2 Fast Forwards hidden on the entire race. The first team that finds it can skip all tasks and go directly to the pit stop. Teams can only use one Fast Forward on the race, so they need to decide when it’s most advantageous for them to use it. Considering there are only two, and the odds of Colin & Christie finding the next one when they’re conveniently in last place is, well, zero, they decide to go for it.

In this Fast Forward, the team must make their way to the Pharonic Village. Once there, they must find a sarcophagus and transport it by ferry to a temple and deliver it to the priest inside to get their award. After a couple of boat trips, C & C finally find the sarcophagus, the two of them bicker and Christie says, “Because we don’t trust each other, we wind up making mistakes.” Now, if you watched the show you’d know that’s simply not true. Colin specifically said “Trust me” as he led her in the wrong direction just a few short minutes before. Christie followed him. In this case, her mistake was in trusting him, not in not trusting him. Just wanted to clear that up. They deliver the sarcophagus and are now on their way to the Sphinx, the pit stop for this leg of the race. “Colin & Christie…you’re Team #1″ Enjoy your pit stop time, because no one else will show up to bug you for 9 more hours.

Charla & Mirna are in 2nd place and pick up their clue at the Tower of Cairo. Teams must now travel 14 miles outside Cairo to the Giza Plateau, or as I like to call it, Pyramid Central. Once teams arrive, they have to follow a series of yellow rocks to find their next clue. The other five teams arrive and head toward the Tower. Chip & Kim are loving all of the religious relevance of Cairo…the River Nile, the whole thing. Brandon & Nicole are also having their own religious experience.

Mirna: “Look at the pyramids! They’re HUGE!” Not anything like you, Charla! Bellissimo! “Charla, where are the yellow rocks?” Check your head, Mirna. They successfully follow the Yellow Rock Road and get their next clue. Roadblock.

Roadblock…task only one person can perform. The title of this Roadblock is…”Who’s Up For Going Down?” {snicker} You all sure I’m not watching Joe Schmo 2? Phil sets me straight by explaining that the person has to climb down a series of ladders to the base of the Osiris Shaft, 140 feet down. Then, they must search the “watery tomb” for a satchel, take it back to the surface and present it to…what did he say? An Egyptologist? Then they’ll get their next clue. Indy! Throw me the idol!

Yogi is claustrophobic…and afraid of beef, and afraid of cows, and afraid of caviar and afraid of icicles on her hair. I think Boo Boo wins this week’s Amazing Quote award though for saying to Mirna, “Can you go down in the hole? Deep down?” The answer is a resounding bellissi-no! so Charla’s stuck doing the team’s scut work yet again. You know, I don’t think it’s the entire team I don’t like…it’s Mirna that I can’t stand. She thinks that just by “being supportive” it somehow negates the fact that she’s worthless when it comes to the challenges. That bugs me.

Teams must now use a map of Giza and the puzzle pieces in their satchels to plot their course. If they assemble the puzzle on top of the map, they’ll see there’s a hole in the puzzle which marks where they’ll find their next clue. Yogi & Boo Boo assemble their puzzle but don’t know what to do with it. Charla catches on that they need to put the puzzle on the map and head off to find their next clue.

Brandon & Nicole get to the Roadblock. With a bright smile, Nicole says, “Who’s up for going down?” Puzzled look from Brandon. I don’t think he was expecting her to say that until the race was done. She clarifies, “You’ll go down in the pyramids.” Ohhhhhhhh…okay. But, Brandon’s afraid of crawling into holes that “you can’t get back out of”. Easy there, tiger. I don’t think the Amazing Producers would set you up for a task that would get you hurt. Lance & Marshall, maybe. You? No way.

Yogi & Boo Boo get their next clue…Detour. In this Detour, teams must choose between “Rock and Roll” or “Hump and Ride.” Where do they get these Detour names?

In Rock & Roll, teams must use only ancient tools to transport 600 lbs. of rocks (or 272.155422 kilograms for you folks still on Russian caviar time) across an area of sand as large as a football field. It’s a physically demanding task (duh) but if they master the ancient methods of building pyramids, they can complete the task quickly.

In Hump & Ride, teams choose a pair of horses lead two camels carrying carpets along a 1-mile path through the desert. Once they’ve delivered the camels and the carpets to a carpet merchant, they’ll receive their next clue. This task isn’t as physically demanding, but the team’s speed is at the mercy of the horses and the camels, so the task could take a long time to complete.

Here’s the catch, though…the Hump & Ride company only operates from 9 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. and right now it’s 5:27 so Mirna and Charla go running through the desert to find these guys before they close and ride off into the sunset. Everyone else is going to be stuck hauling rocks. Yabba dabba doo! But…Charla’s never ridden a horse before. Mirna thinks Charla looks like a true jockey. I’m sorry, but is that a short joke? Charla & Mirna of Arabia! They deliver their camels and their carpets and receive their next clue. Oh no, am I starting to like Team Jellystone? Make your way to the next pit stop, the Sphinx…on the other side of the Giza Plateau, but not before they take in the amazing landscape around them. Oh no, am I starting to like Team Jellystone?

“Charla & Mirna…you’re Team #2.” Man, I am dying to know how far behind Colin & Christie they are. “I am capable of doing anything and that is why I came on The Amazing Race” is Charla’s comment. I’m inclined to agree, if only she had chosen a different partner.

You know, there’s nothing more romantic and nothing brings a couple closer than pulling rocks across the desert. This would explain the difficulty Team Cosa Nostra is having…I’m just not feeling the love with them. Kami & Karli get their satchel and immediately discard the puzzle pieces, saying, “Maybe this is for something else” and pushing them aside. Bellissimo! Then, they just pick up their map and…leave. “Karli and I do not have a plan. We have no idea where we’re going. We’re clueless.” No arguments here.

Chip helped out Brandon & Nicole, which was really nice…and Chip hopes that doesn’t come back to bite him in the ass. After Brandon’s reaction to going into the shaft, I don’t think he’s much into ass-biting.

At this point, I’m almost hoping Kami & Karli get lost in the desert but nooooooo, Chip shows them where to find the clue, so they’re no longer clueless. Hee. Get it? During Chip & Kim’s good deeditude though, Brandon & Nicole overtake them and are Team #3.

Chip does however, win the Amazing Chutzpah Quote for the week when he says, “Who’da thought that a South Central LA boy and a Compton girl makes it all the way through Russia and the Sphinx…this is unbelievable.” Way to limit yourself and a large section of the greater Los Angeles area there, buddy. And with that, they’re Team #4.

No one cares about Marshall & Lance (”Bitchers/Moaners”) anymore, but they’re Team #5. Kami & Karli are Team #6 and, sadly, the Bowling Moms are the last team to arrive.

But wait…this is the first of four predetermined non-elimination legs of the race so Linda and Karen are not going home! Woohoo! But…there is a twist. Linda & Karen have to hand over all of their money and they will be starting the next leg of the race with no money whatsoever. “You’re still in this race, but you’re hanging by a thread.” The question Phil poses to them though is, how are they going to stay in the race without a penny to their names? For some odd reason, when I heard that it reminded me of all of the WalMart commercials I’ve seen with moms who claim to be able to stretch a dollar further than the Giza Plateau so I’m not too worried, as long as these two get a dollar I guess they could be pretty resourceful.

Next week, the penniless Moms have to beg just to stay in the race, Nicole’s hot for Brandon’s bod and it looks like Colin & Christie’s lead disappears. Phillissimo!