…and slapping it away wasn’t doing any good so I just succumbed and let it suck me dry. I couldn’t keep the opinionated thoughts of a few shows out of my head, so I’m getting them down on paper (screen? keyboard?). Play along at home.

Trading Spouses

I didn’t think I could find someone who turned my stomach more than Tammy Nakamura but mega-thanks to Lisa Bowers for proving me wrong not just last week, but this week as well. Her whiny “I felt so unwelllllllllllllllllllllcomed!” cries of pain were eclipsed only by her rather arrogant self-opinion that she could do a better job than Traded Daughter Katie’s voice coach. Like I said last week, you reap what you sow. Want to know why the Pilek kids were so quiet and why your Traded Husband was never around? They didn’t like you. Lisa’s kids will backtalk to her and insult her while the better-behaved Pilek kids just sit there and wisely keep their mouths shut…they know they’re no match for Lisa, so why bother? Plus, they just weren’t raised that way. They’re a quiet, laid-back family and it seems to be working for them so quit berating them.

Samantha Pilek was great, trying to encourage the Bowers family to be nicer to each other. I thought it was so neat that the kids were genuinely going to miss her and that her Traded Husband set the alarm and got out of bed to see her off.

When the Traded Moms met…well…not all went well. It was painfully obvious that Lisa was pissed off at the connection Samantha had with her family and, in true Lisa form, that pissed-offitude manifested itself in a string of veiled insults to Samantha about her family and her mothering skills.

When it came time to divvy up the $50k, the items mentioned didn’t equal $50k so now I’m curious where the rest of the money went. Samantha allocated the Bowers Bounty to a hot tub and new deck, some new furniture, cash for the kids and a trip to Cancun. There was still a lot of money left over, but Fox didn’t itemize for us. Lisa, showing that she was totally out to lunch in the Pilek household, gave them the “gift of time” which apparently includes $10k for braces for Katie (”Hey kid, your teeth are crooked. Fix ‘em or you can kiss your Britney Spears career goodbye.”) and a hot tub for the son, among other stupid things. My husband was expecting laundry lessons but we weren’t sure if you could actually buy those anywhere. Lisa…I bet you would have given all the money to Nana as well had the Pilek’s had a Nana. Rosie the Maid doesn’t count because she’s not family. Sorry.

Next week, we switch Dads. Rural Dad switches with City Dad. Sallllllllllllllute!

The Amazing Race

I just didn’t have the time or the energy to do a full-blown post on this which pains me but, oh well. In probably the lamest move ever, Lance & Marshall (Cousins/Big Fat Losers) give up and don’t finish the race. What’s worse, Phil Keoghan had to take time out of his busy schedule to come to them. The tone in his voice was the same tone Jeff Probst had when Susan voluntarily quit Survivor: All Stars - part disgust, part disappointment and part glee at not having to listen to her anymore. In other Amazing Race news, a taxi driver threw Charla & Mirna out of his cab when they tried to shanghai it away from Colin & Christie, the Bowling Moms successfully begged for money from a strategically-placed American tour bus, many ladies admired Brandon’s abs and we learned that Luxor is not just a hotel in Vegas.

North Shore

I don’t care about MJ’s creepy ex-boyfriend and am glad that after his attempted murder on Chris, his grand theft of Chris’s Hummer and his kidnapping of MJ that his 2-episode story arc is over. Nicole hems and haws over whether to leave the Grand Waimea or stay, Daddy Warboothe gets dizzy in his attempts to follow her wherever she goes and Tailey nibbles on Jason’s ear a little more. Ultimately, Nicole decides to stay at the Grand Waimea which inspires Daddy Warboothe to buy a house on Oahu, threaten Jason’s “family” and taunt Vincent for treating Jason like the son he never had. Whew. And you think your days are busy? Nicole and Jason almost reunite with an almost-kiss, but Jason’s cell phone alerts him to a fire at his dad’s surf shop. Dad’s critically injured, the Honolulu PD unrealistically drove an hour up to Haleiwa and it looks like arson. North Shore won’t be back until Labor Day so keep using that sunscreen and I’ll see you in September when hopefully we’ll find out what happened in Bellport twenty years ago.