Previously on…The Amazing Race…Charla & Mirna raised the airport terror alert level to Obnoxious by notifying airport personnel that the rest of the teams were basically terrorists, a local transportation provider pushed Miss Texas around, Chip & Kim enjoyed a little watermelon in the Motherland and Phil got terribly choked up when Team Jellystone was eliminated from the race.

Whew. Five teams remain…who will be eliminated next? Let’s watch…! Credits. Alison & Donny…who were they again?

Expedia.com commercial. “Do they have Magique?” Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon? Excuse me, are those Bugle Boy jeans you’re wearing? But of course.

Northern Tanzania & Lake Manyara, a watering hole for Northern African wildlife and the Amazing Race production team, is also the Pit Stop for the 7th leg of the race. Eat, sleep, mingle with the other teams and beat a pinata that looks alarmingly like Mirna senseless. Okay, you caught me…I made up that last part.

Can Chip & Kim maintain their lead over the “younger and more athletic” teams, meaning in Philspeak, “Can Fat Chip keep up with Skinny Brandon?” Chip & Kim are the first team to leave at 2:42 a.m. Teams need to take a taxi/Camry over 100 miles through the African wildnerness to the Kilimanjaro Airport (old or new airport? old or new airport?), then catch 1 of 3 scheduled charter flights to Nairobi, THEN catch a commercial flight on to Dubai, UAE. Once in Dubai, they need to get to the slick-looking Burj Al Arab Hotel (the one that looks like a sail and is offshore on it’s own island) where they’ll find their next clue. $200 for this leg of the race. Keep that in mind…it’s important.

“Chip gets friendly with everyone…that’s why we’ve been excelling at this race,” according to devoted wife Kim. Chip believes that if you’re friendly to people, it will come back to you ten-fold…that, or people will rob you blind but hey, six to one, half dozen to the other.

Colin & Christie depart second. “Colin and I most want to focus on learning to trust each other more. It’s difficult when you have two decision makers who work together.” It’s also difficult when you have a control freak and a doormat who work together. And, there’s that “trust” word again…this is the eighth leg of the race, kids. Either you trust each other by this point or you don’t…no “learning” about it. Christie is wearing a pair of shorts that has “Texas” written on the ass…did she borrow those from Nicole? I’ve never understood the appeal of shorts with something written on your butt…is the purpose where, in case you fall head first into a snowbank, someone can find you and return you to your state of residence?

Colin “negotiates” a fare with the taxi driver…he wants a hundred bucks, Colin wants to give him fifty. The finally agree on…$100…as long as the guy drives fast. Good negotiating skills there, Colin.

Wilma & Betty leave third. “I think it would be awesome if two moms could win this race. It’s not just the fast, young ones that are still here. There are five teams….anybody can win this race.” Where should I start with this? Thanks to the Bowling Moms for proving what I already knew, you can’t be a mom and be young and fast at the same time. It’s either-or. And, duh, doesn’t someone have to win, hence eliminating the need for the phrase “Anybody can win this race?” Maybe the Amazing Editors fiddled with this one too much to make the moms look more like bumbling dorks…who knows.

Brandon & Nicole depart fourth. Ha…their chosen taxi driver wants a hundred bucks. “Brandon and I…we need to work on being more aggressive because the teams that are more aggressive are finishing before us.” You’re correct, like Chip and Kim…and the Bowling Moms. They’re totally aggressive.

Team Bend It Like Beckham is in last place. Karmi says, “We need to slow down. We are so spastic right now. If you look at who’s in the lead, it’s not the quick teams, it’s the teams that really slow down, analyze the clue and then work accordingly.” Ding ding ding ding ding!!!! That’s right girls, don’t swim an extended distance to the pitstop when a 1 ft. hop will do. Don’t toss aside puzzle pieces when you should know that they must be part of the task. And…never, ever, ever run around like a chicken with your head cut off.

Everyone races to Kilimanjaro. Team Colin’s tire blows out on their taxi. The driver doesn’t have a spare because…the spare tire is already on the car. Hee. Team Karmi graciously stops by and Colin asks them for their spare tire… and he gets it, because he’s such a charming guy and the girls haven’t started their “slow down and think” strategy yet. Jackass Colin doesn’t even say thanks. Karmi correctly deduces, “We don’t think Colin would have pulled over to give us his spare tire.” You’re right. If I were the two of them, I would have given Colin the bird instead of my tire…but that’s just me.

Now the Bowling Moms are having taxi trouble and pull off to the side of the road. Karmi approach and then…keep driving right past them as we hear a Mom yell “THANKS!” “We’re not gonna stop again because, you know, this is God thanking us for giving our spare tire away and I don’t feel guilty. I’m not AAA.” Colin & Christie stop though…their taxi driver lets the Bowling Moms use their phone to call another taxi.

Kilimanjaro Airport. According to Kim, Chip likes to tip big, which is their biggest weakness. They get on the 8:30 a.m. charter flight. Brandon & Nicole also make the first charter flight. Just like last week, Nicole’s got a death grip on her wallet and doens’t want to give any money to their taxi driver. I swear, we need to do a team switch-up and put Colin & Nicole together as Team Tightwad. As the show goes on, Nicole is just looking like more and more of a petulant, spoiled child. Chip, who understands the plight of the African taxi driver just trying to get himself a little bling, explains to Nicole, “For them, it might be setting them on a new way of life, this much money they’re making.” Then Chip continues to preach about not letting money run your emotions…blah blah blah…but Chiiiiiiiiiiiip…I just want to be understood!

Team BILB. Currently in third place. They happily pay their taxi driver and make the 2nd charter flight. Colin gets out of his taxi and gives the driver $50 and tells him to take it or leave it. What a jerk. Apparently, because the driver was slow and drove on a donut, he’s not entitled to the full fare. Colin goes head-to-head with the taxi driver, who rightfully wants his $100. I swear, Colin’s going to “mysteriously” disappear on one of these race legs. The taxi driver goes and gets the police involved. Christ…what a monumental waste of time. “You can bring the president of your country down here and I’ll happy to talk to him.” Then, Colin actually says, “Hakuna matata.” Dude, you’re not in America…and he thinks Christie is the one making things difficult?

They make bad Lifetime movies about what happens to American men with diarrhea of the mouth in African countries. Then, Colin lies to the Officer-in-Charge. The taxi driver wants to open a criminal charge against Colin. Holy crap. Colin’s getting tossed in jail for…drumroll please…doing something phillegal. Yes! Yes! I did it! It’s no “phillissimo” but it’s not half bad. Plus, I’ve got to give props to Mirna, as much as it pains me, for having the foresight of this episode by calling Colin a criminal a couple of episodes ago.

Meanwhile, back at the set of Midnight Express, Colin is griping about missing his flight and winds up paying the hundred bucks, despite his “THERE’S NO CONTRACT!” argument. Man, he’s a serious piece of work. He is #1 in his book and doesn’t give a damn about his Race partner. I do not want them to win.

Chip & Kim and Brandon and Nicole catch their charter to Nairobi and hop on Kenya Airways to get to Dubai. Team BILB and Colin & Christie also catch the Kenya Airways flight. The Bowling Moms arrive on the last charter flight…and watch the flight to Dubai that everyone else is on take off. The next flight in will leave in five hours. Now, my husband brought up an interesting point. The Amazing Producers had to know that the last charter flight wouldn’t get there in time to make the Apparent Only Flight to Dubai. Why would they do that and knowingly put the last team that far behind?

Taxi meters are ticking upwards as teams travel from the Dubai airport…they never show that so you know money has got to be an issue. Dubai…welcome to the “World’s Largest Offshore Hotel.” Teams must go to the hotel heliport where, on this precarious perch, they will find their next clue…but…it doesn’t open until 8:00 a.m. It’s 6:15 p.m. when the first four teams get there. Ah ha…that’s how the Bowling Moms will catch up, which they do.

8:00 a.m. Teams now have to travel across town to the Bur Dubai Abra station and take a water taxi known as an abra to the Port of Dubai. There, they’ll have to find a traditional boat called a dhow, then find it’s captain (Abdul Something-or-Other) to get their next clue. Thanks CBS, for not putting these various location names up on the screen like you do for everyplace else, including “Santa Monica.” Help a poor blogger out, will ya? Fortunately, I was able to sound out what Phil said in his New Zealandian accent enough to find these places on the internet.

Money issues. I have never heard teams so concerned about money before, but think about it. Taxi to Kilimanjaro. Taxi in Dubai. Water taxi fare…this hasn’t been a cheap trip for them. Our free-wheeling and big spending teams are running low on funds. Colin’s griping about water taxi fares. Buddy, suck it up and pay. In Dubai, they won’t call the police on you if you don’t pay, they’ll just cut your hands off and be done with it.

Detour. A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. For this Detour, we have Off Plane or Off Road. Basically, skydiving or four-wheeling six miles through the sand. The catch with the skydiving is that only one team at a time can go on the plane, and the planes are scheduled to take off 45 minutes apart. The catch with the four-wheeling is that you’re driving through sand…if you get stuck, you have to wait for someone to get you out. The four-wheelers end at the skydiving landing area.

Chip & Kim don’t have the money to pay their latest taxi driver. Karmi sees the Amazing Flag at the airport but, “It might not be the right flag.” In their efforts to “slow down” and quit being so insanely impulsive…which has been their downfall up to this point…they disregard the flag and drive right by the freaking flag. Kami says, “I made so many bad choices by just going too fast and too quickly that I just wanted to be sure.” How many damn Amazing Race flags are in the middle of Dubai?????

Kim & Chip still don’t have enough money…they’re ten dollars short. Luckily, they had a cool taxi driver who realized there was no way he was getting the rest of his money and besides, Chip was bigger than their driver.

Bowling Moms are stuck in the sand. Colin’s anger serves him well as he shows the sand who’s boss by barreling through the course at a high rate of speed to get the next clue. Brandon & Nicole skydive successfully.

Teams must take a camel & a GPS navigation system and navigate both of them 1/2 a mile to this lush Desert Oasis (imagine me waving my outstretched arm in front of a lavish living room, a’la Let’s Make a Deal) on the outskirts of Dubai, the Pit Stop for this leg of the race.

Bowling Moms are stuck in the sand again. I’m not impressed with their driving skills. I wouldn’t want either of them to drive my kids around…they’re too cautious. I want a mom who will blow through crowds of people in her minivan to ensure my child is not late and thereby not Philiminated from the extracurricular activity of his/her choice. I don’t have kids so having the Bowling Moms drive them around isn’t really an option, but still. A girl’s entitled to her opinion.

Chip and Kim are stuck in the sand. Team BILB skydives.

Colin & Christie…you’re team #1. As the winners of this 8th leg of the race, you’ve won a trip to the sunny Caribbean, courtesy of American Airlines Vacations, which you can enjoy after the race. Again, could we be a little more specific? Could be politically unstable Haiti, could be quiet Bonaire. Nevertheless, can you imagine being stuck at a resort with those two for a week?

Christie took top honors with the Amazing Quote of the Week by saying, “I have a problem with stressing out, fearing we’re in last place. Sometimes it backfires on me. I never should have been angry with him.” “Him” meaning Colin. You have got to be kidding me. Your boyfriend yells at you like you’re an idiot and says you’re not supportive of his annoying and criminal (thanks again, Mirna) activities and you say you shouldn’t have been angry with him. You know, I kind of felt sorry for Christie but now, hey, you choose to be with a winner like Colin and all bets are off. Take care, honey.

Brandon & Nicole…you’re team #2. As the 2nd-place finishers of this leg of the race, you get to hang out with Colin & Christie longer than the other teams. Have fun.

Chip & Kim…you’re team #3. Hugs for Phil.

Wilma & Betty…you’re team #4. Bowling Moms unite!

Kami & Karli…you’re the last team to arrive. The good news is, this is a non-elimination leg. Turn over all your money…bwa ha ha!!! However will they cope? “We’re young and cute. I think we can figure out something.” Wow. They unloaded a serious wad of cash. How come everyone else seemed to be in such dire straits?

Next week on The Amazing Race…Kami & Karli “attempt to charm the men of Dubai to get their much-needed funds,” Colin is brought to the boiling point (again?)…and which team will pursue the Fast Forward, only to find that they’ll have to cut off all their hair? Well, won’t be Colin & Christie…they’ve already done the Fast Forward.

I’ll be sitting here for the next week poking little pins into my Colin voodoo doll.