Measure Once and Cut Twice

Wow. The Complex: Malibu sucked out what little life was still left in me after my 7-day upper respiratory infection took its unfair share. The hilarious thing about this show is, right from the start, it plays exactly like Trading Spouses. Same guy doing the introductory voice over, same goofy production and titles, same annoying rapid-fire editing. And, it wouldn’t be a reality show if I didn’t try to turn it into something else, so now I think we should get defunct couples from The Bachelor, The Amazing Race, Fear Factor and Temptation Island to move into The Complex.

Here’s a picture of me while watching this show. Like the hair? Hey, I’m growing it out. Cut me some slack.

Alright. Here we go. We have 8 couples, split into 2 teams of four couples. Each team lives in, eats in and works on two of the four apartments in The Complex, affectionately bundled together as Upper Complex and Lower Complex. The first thing that went through my head when I heard those names was that they sounded like a sexually transmitted disease. “Honey, I need to talk to you. Ten years ago, after I graduated from college I went to Europe for ten weeks and while I was there, I contracted Upper Complex.”

I’m still confused as to how this show works, despite detailed discussions with my husband before, during and after the show. I know it was explained to me but I’m not all that clear, but here goes. Each week, two couples have to renovate the same room in one of the four apartments (2 in Upper Complex, 2 in Lower), then Fox’s crack team of “judges” (a real estate agent, a stylist and a couple others) will decide which team did the better job; i.e., which team’s efforts provided the most value for the $$ to the house. If your apartment’s room provided the least value to the complex, your head’s on the chopping block. This is great though…the “eviction ceremony” takes place at…get this…the Lumber Yard. No joke. It’s some soundstage that looks like an abandoned Home Depot. Whoever’s left at the end wins all of the proceeds from the sale of the complex. Each week, the couples also elect a “Property Manager” (blatant Apprentice ripoff) for their team, who basically is supposed to act as a construction foreman (foreperson?) or something to that effect.

First, second and third impressions…Sam’s a pain in the ass. She’s part of “Team Redneck” from Canton, Georgia and has the world’s shortest fuse. She talks of her “brassy” personality, but brassy could also be used as a reference to her hair color. Brad and Lew…the gay couple…they’re great. If they can keep flying under the radar (shouldn’t be tough with old geezers Barney & Rose flapping their jaws all the time) and remain helpful while not pissing anyone off, they’ve got a good shot because they’re smart and seem to have some semblance of a grip on reality. At this point, everyone else kind of blends in together and I can’t tell couples apart from each other, really. That makes sense though…the obvious ones always stand out…the gay couple, the older couple and the annoying, bitchy woman with Short Hair Syndrome.

This week’s project was to renovate the master bedroom. I hate to say it, but the project manager in me always comes out when watching shows like this. What’s worse…the project manager in my husband also comes out so we’ve got our own project management summit going on. I swear, on these shows, no one wants to plan…everyone just wants to run off to Sears with no plan and then complain three days later when the work isn’t done and what little work is done isn’t to anyone’s satisfaction. Not until after all of the laminate (Ugh! Laminate? In a million-dollar beach house?) is down does someone notice that it’s two different flooring patterns. Oy. The walls haven’t been primed yet, so let’s sit around and complain about how they aren’t primed yet. Then, the most dominant personalites emerge…everything gets done but it isn’t nearly as good as it could have been had everyone…ta da!…worked together as a team. I don’t get it. Is it that hard of an idea to comprehend?

My most-favorite quotable quote from episode #1: “Crown molding is so middle-class.”

Will I recap this going forward? Tough to say…I’m not sure it’s recap-worthy but then again, I said the same thing about Trading Spouses and look how much I have to say about that show. My favorite part of the show though, was the silly air horn they blew when the renovation time was up. Hee hee. Better than clinking a champagne glass and saying, “Ladies and gentlemen…it’s time to appraise your efforts.”