A little tip for all the single ladies out there…don’t ever wear your Tina Fey glasses with an evening gown on a first date with 2 guys and 24 other women…unless of course, you’re Tina Fey. Or perhaps, my avatar up in the left corner of the page. Seriously. That’s just dating suicide, IMO. Either spring for the LASIK (which I’m sure you want anyway) or get thyself to fair optometrist to procure a wee set of disposable contacts. Or, did the Bachelor producers steer you in the wrong direction and tell you the specs made you look…um…intellectual?Now, I speak from the experience of a 30-something woman who managed to make it out of her 20s without going on a single reality dating show. I admit to having done the online dating thing (that’s how I met uber-husband), but I’ve never really thought any man was worth competing with 24 other women. No offense intended it’s just, well, there are lots of fish in the sea and not all of them are married, gay or otherwise unappealing. I’m so glad they didn’t pick the guy whose last name sounds alarmingly like overbite. This is good, because then I would have had to make all sorts of TMJ jokes the entire season.

In case you’ve never seen the show before, here are some quotable quotes, spoken by the Frisky Fisherman and his lovely mermaids:

And…my personal favorite…

Gag. Cough. Hack. Blech. Nothing makes a 40-year old man hotter than hearing a woman he’s just met force him to have a impromptu group date with her and her biological clock. Tick, tick, tick.

I swore I would not let The Almighty Bachelor franchise entice me in for another disappointing season. At some point, I can’t blame ABC for subjecting me to the show when no one is holding a gun to my head. Regardless, after a solid hour and a half of the world’s most boring episodes of Law & Order (Dennis…dude, you’re boring! Bring back Lenny!) I needed to cleanse my palate and switched over. By the time I got to the show, they’d already evicted the Jovial Jay, which left us with Frisky Fisherman Byron. I’m not impressed. On a scale of Bob to Andrew, I’d have to give Byron a solid Aaron in terms of irritating eye-rollability.

The 10-minute montage of “Coming up this season on…The Bachelor” was absolutely unbearable. Silly string? What are you guys, nine? Frisky Fisherman also moves into the Mermaids’ Villa, providing fodder for lots of hookups, lots of drama and lots of marginally attractive women clawing at each other for a man whose actual marriageability is in question just by him being on the show in the first place.

0-for-5, kids. 0-for-5.