I really shouldn’t be surprised by Stacie J.’s straitjacket-worthy meltdowns over the past couple of weeks on The Apprentice 2 because to be totally honest, that’s how the employees at Subway have behaved the last two times I’ve asked them to fix me an Atkins wrap. They get confused, not quite sure where the low-carb tortilla wraps are, they don’t know the price, and they don’t know that they can put 4 oz. of turkey on the damn thing instead of the usual 3 oz. for a regular sandwich. Subway…eat fresh!Uber-husband came up with the apt moniker of “Sideshow Bob” for her last night and now I won’t be able to use it. The great thing is that I’m already set for this year’s Halloween costume. Two years ago, I actually dressed up as Justin Guarini so now I’ll just rename the ‘fro wig the Stacie J. wig and I’m good to go. Pop a couple decongestants to get that manic wild-eyed look and badda boom, badda bing…costume gold!

Anyway, last night’s task was to create “buzz” about Crest’s new vanilla mint flavored toothpaste. Let me just get this out of the way right now…yuck. But anyway, Team No More Bradford decides to go the celebrity route and somehow gets Mike Piazza to brush his teeth in Union Square for $20,000. $20,000! I don’t live in New York so I don’t get the Mad About Mike bit, but when he showed up I thought he looked like kind of a pain in the ass, and that he couldn’t believe he was hawking toothpaste. It was just the expressions on his face. Anyway, he brushes his teeth, gives the new Crest Sloppy Joe flavor the inevitable thumbs-up, then starts signing the backs of the Way Overpriced Flyers and toothpaste boxes. Yay. Buzz achieved.

The problem? Maria, in charge of those flyers and toothpaste boxes (of which I can’t believe a single one isn’t on eBay right now), had some half-witted negotiated price with the printer. To her, simply saying, “We only have $1,800 in the budget” is enough for a vendor to understand that’s all they’re going to spend, despite the fact that what they want costs $6,900. That’s not the way it works, Detective Benson (another one of uber-husband’s new names). The way it works is (let’s play the Remedial Procurement Game)…you get a Fixed Firm Price on how much it will take to do all your printing, including the Middle of the Friggin’ Night surcharges and anything else. Then you decide if you want to go with them. You don’t tell them you have a certain amount of money and then expect them to produce what you want, no matter how elaborate. At first I was rooting for Maria and thought the vendor was screwing with them, until I realized how vague her “terms” were and how easily they could have been misunderstood which of course, they were.

This lack of clarity put the ladies $5,000 over their $50,000 budget or, 10% over budget. In case you don’t understand the gravity of that, The Donald puts it a way so we independently wealthy folks can grasp it a little better. “If I had a $500 million project, that would mean I was $50 million over budget.” Oh…okay. I get it now. Fire Maria and her Sassy Short Hair…and don’t make it pretty.

In the Boredroom, we have nasty girlfights and whining and bickering and The Donald actually calls the rest of the women back in to substantiate certain claims made. In the end, The Donald decides he just can’t have a loose cannon running around until he owns the Barnum, Bailey & Trump Circus franchise. And with that…Stacie…you’re fired.

I’m really not too concerned about Team Mosaic except for Andy…he just gets too excited. The way he was ruffling his feathers about how he was the one who came up with the $1 million giveaway was just funny. Great idea? Sure, if you’ve got a week. This is a great lesson in scope management.

Stacy’s Project Management Lesson of the Week:

With a certain budget and a certain timeframe, generally you can’t have the entire world. Thusly, you either modify your world or adjust your definition of what “the entire world” means. In their case, $1 million turned into three separate cash prizes of $5,000, for which they didn’t need the approval of 36 attorneys and Ed McMahon.

RajSam is starting to grow on me. Yes, I will admit it when I jump to conclusions early and modify my position on something. Still like Ivana, but disappointed that the Three Blondes Who Look Exactly Like Each Other thought their team was doomed because The Bradford was gone. Geez ladies, have a little faith in your own abilities, why dontcha? Maybe next week you can pitch a sexually-charged campaign to Tide detergent and get your asses back in the game.