I Googled “John Kerry George Bush Atkins” last night (no more The Amazing Race, what else do you do?) to see if I could find something somewhere that disclosed the Official Platform Opinions and stumbled upon this article in the San Francisco Independent. Now, I didn’t put much stock into the article, except for Mr. Caen’s statement at the end:

“There is one endorsement that is still up for grabs, one that is proven to motivate the American public more than the AFL-CIO or the Sierra Club. John Kerry should spend the next five weeks lining this up. If he gets it, the country is his.

John Kerry needs to become the first candidate endorsed by the Atkins diet.”

I’d like to expand on this because…think about it…it isn’t a half-bad idea. The majority of this election’s hot spots center around rather faddish issues anyway…education, tax cuts for the rich, the conflict in Iraq, media responsibility…etc. If Kerry could somehow successfully and believably reconcile the whole french-fries-are-bad/my-wife-makes-ketchup conflict, he just might have something. This is assuming, of course, that he can weather the inevitable controversy surrounding the upstart grassroots organization Bacon & Eggs For Truth revealing how Kerry says he eats eggs but they’re really EggBeaters.

Having said that, let’s list out what else Partisan Low-Carb Researchers for Truth have sauteed up in butter for us:

  • The environment has gone to Hell because stay-at-home-moms drive gas-guzzling SUVs and eat too many carbs.
  • Our Homeland Security strategy is threatened because Americans eat too many carbs.
  • Prescription drug prices continue to skyrocket because Americans eat too many carbs.
  • After-school and child care opportunities for parents are substandard because Americans eat too many carbs.
  • Dan Rather was obviously on day three of the Atkins way of eating and in a manic state of ketosis when he suffered his carb-deficiency-induced lapse in judgment. Oopsie. If he just would have waited a couple of days, he would have been over the hump and able to see more clearly.
  • Ditto for Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.

    • And finally…

  • American soldiers are in Iraq because…Americans eat too many carbs.

    • Gives a whole new meaning to the term “waffle,” now doesn’t it?