Here’s my current status on All Things Christmas:

Budget? Hahahahahahahaha.

New Holiday Music? Check and check. And check.

Christmas cards? Complete. Purchased, signed, addressed & stamped. Waiting to go in the mail this weekend.

Gift wrap? Check.

Christmas menu? Pending.

Christmas Eve plans? Check.

Gifts? For Grandparents, Aunt, Dad’s girlfriend, Dad, Mom, Sister-in-Law…purchased, wrapped & ready to mail out. Mom-in-Law, Uncle-in-Law, Cookie, Daisy and the UberHusband…in progress.

Tree up and decorated? This weekend…that’s the plan.

House decorated? On target for a completion of Thursday or Friday.

Am I forgetting anything?

No one watched the first season of The Amazing Race, either: Fox’s The Rebel Billionaire is tanking in the ratings, placing 91st out of all of last week’s shows. Ouch.

Better than Pebbles & BamBam: Julia Roberts gave birth over the weekend to twin babies; a boy named Phinneus Walter and a girl named, “Waddya want my name to be?”

Hey…teacher…leave those kids alone: 23 kids who snuck out of school in 1979, recorded vocals for Pink Floyd’s “The Wall,” then chastised by their headmistress are now demanding their piece of the rock god pie.

“Quirky, pop-culture oriented” network Trio has been dropped by DirecTV, and the network’s future is in doubt. The only time I’ve ever watched anything on Trio was last June, while channel surfing Oceanic cable’s lineup in Hawaii. Trio was running a Cop Rock marathon. Need I say more?

Speaking of pop culture: Perennial teenager Dick Clark turns 75 today. Dust off those old records and celebrate the birth of the multi-generational master.

Stacy said @ 7:52 am
Filed in: Snark Bites | | Printer-Friendly Snark

The Dallas Morning News has an article about the three-ton, $300,000 Maybach.

The Maybach and Phantom are similarly loaded, but the Maybach has gotten more attention for its amenities. Both cars also pack a serious performance punch: The Maybach has a 543-horsepower V-12, and the Phantom a 453-horsepower V-12. The Maybach’s base price is $305,500, the Phantom’s $320,000.

Inside the Maybach, flat-screen televisions connected to the car’s DVD system are mounted on the backs of both leather-covered front seats. A 600-watt surround-sound system supplies the audio. In back, besides the wood-trimmed compartment for champagne flutes, the car has wireless headsets and a jewelry holder in the door.

Last month, Maybach introduced a “business package” that includes a portable Internet connection and a wireless color printer to supplement the two cellphones that come standard.

Now, I am of the opinion that if you can afford something like this, more power to you. Congrats for living a life of both luck and opportunity, and seizing both. Spoil yourself silly, I say. I don’t judge people who live this kind of a lifestyle negatively just because I am not able to live it myself.

Having said that, the Dallas Morning News asked this question…for $300,000…what amenities would you expect in a luxury car? Imagine you’re on a beach with a frothy cocktail in your hand and you know when you get home from your fabulous vacation you will be taking delivery on a new Maybach. In your world, what options did you get on the car?

**Update**

We have 21 players! Thanks to everyone who has signed up and Dell for getting out the word. I’ll send all of the participants an email tomorrow with the details!

I’m going to be starting up a Christmas game beginning December 4 that runs through Christmas Eve…and it requires the engagement of you, my faithful readers!

Participation is limited to the first 21 folks to email me, though. If we don’t get 21 folks to join in, I’ll start pairing people up. I can’t divulge the specifics yet…but if you want to play, drop me an email (with your blog URL, so I can give proper credit) by the end of the day on Tuesday, November 30. You don’t have to pay anything, we will not use any personally identifiable information (other than your name and website, LOL)…and I guarantee a good time (get your mind out of the gutter, Michael & Rob).

You’ll only have to spend about five minutes of your time, and it doesn’t involve spamming any of your friends and family. {wink}

Beginning December 1, I’ll let everyone who has emailed me in on the game…if at that time you don’t want to partake, you can back out…but I don’t think you’ll want to!

We’ll begin the fun on Saturday, December 4.

I hope as many of you as possible will want to join in!

You’d think I’d be all over this handy dandy demonic little gadget, what with my almost pathological need for order and for everything labeled Tab A to fit into the corresponding Slot B. Beat me up and call me Andy.

Grrrr.

A few more holes and it could also double as a cribbage board.

andrew has no soul
i’m the son, mom the monster
move to canada

hidden cold hard cash
susan hangs from high ceiling
hot sex at wrong time

scheduled hit, edie
that’s not your paper? god, no
wrong girl, no refunds

stay at home mom blues
no one told her, ’twas so hard
we need to tell each other

carlos keeps vigil
forgive me father, my sins
depends what you buy

wouldn’t hurt a fly
paul takes matters in own hands
loop rug, soaks up well

I was scanning the referrals to my blog today and realized I had been nominated for Best New Blog (established 2004) for the 2004 Weblog Awards.

Wow! Lisa from Just a Girl nominated me…thanks!

I’ll let you all know when voting begins…I’m not sure how this works, since I just found out about it this morning. If anyone can provide any info on how this all operates, I’d be much obliged!

From CNN.com:

Gunman Steals Salvation Army Kettle

ALLENTOWN, Pennsylvania (AP) — A gun-wielding robber swiped a red Salvation Army kettle from an attendant in front of a supermarket, police said.

Volunteer Jerlene Howard said she was ringing her bell to solicit donations from shoppers Friday night when a man wearing a scarf over his face got out of a car and demanded the kettle. He “had a gun and he told me not to say anything,” she said.

The man then got back into the car, which was driven by an accomplice, police said. Howard was not injured.

Howard said her kettle was “kind of heavy,” but she didn’t know how much money was inside. She has collected up to $135 a day in the past.

The Salvation Army’s annual Red Kettle fund-raising drive helps buy food for the homeless and toys for poor children.

No one at NBC said Thursday night’s Apprentice would be the best boardroom ever, but I sure thought it was! Does anyone care what happened to put Sandy, Jen and Andy into the Boardroom? Nah…nothing that happened in the first 45 minutes could outshine the verbal ass-kicking Dandy Andy the Master Debater had to endure under the shocked eyes of George, Carolyn and The Donald.

Andy’s a tool…and a bad liar. He sat there and just let both women beat up on him in ways he probably hasn’t experienced since graduating from Harvard. His fraternity brothers probably told him that the best way to get ahead in the business world if you’re surrounded by a group of women is to pit them all against each other. Tell Jen that Ivana wants Sandy gone…then align yourself with Jen to talk about how inept and ineffective Sandy was. The only problem? Sandy wasn’t ineffective, and she came back at ‘em, guns a’blazing. Good for her. Then…Jen spills the beans on her little pow-wow with Andy earlier in the day. Damn. Backpedalbackpedalbackpedalbackpedal.

I wanted Andy to blink or something…say something other than “I stand by my decision” and “He asked who was more creative!” Heck, I would have been satisfied had he gotten up and pushed Jen & Sandy’s chairs together so they could swing at each other a little more easily.

To give the guy a wee bit of credit though, when Andy was fired, he did show the maturity of someone who recently took a “How To Interview Like the Hahvahd Man You Are” class by thanking The Donald for The Opportunity, then taking The Elevator downstairs to The Cab.

And then there were five. The UberHusband tagged Ivana as the eventual winner and, although now we don’t think she’ll win, he’s pretty darn proud of himself for seeing that she had that certain something about her that would take her far in the show. Even if you don’t like Ivana, you’ve got to love her for not crying at the drop of a hat.

From my Herb Roasted Turkey Breast recipe…

“Using a pastry brush, baste the breasts with half of the bay butter.”

Wha? Braste the pests with half of the bay brutter?

What I am thankful for this Thanksgiving Day…in no particular order:

Of course, the UberHusband.

Having a job where I work out of my home…even if I have to work today and tomorrow.

My awesome little furmonsters.

The Bachelor is finally over.

Having another year with my family & friends.

I’m not downtown at the Turkey Trot in the 39-degree weather like we were two years ago.

We leave for Hawaii in 74 days.

Olay’s Daily Regenerating Serum.

Diet A &W Root Beer.

Target.

The Wusthof Santoku chef’s knife.

Jonathan from this season’s The Amazing Race…watching him is the best cardio workout I get all week.

What are YOU thankful for this year?

Previously on The Amazing Race…11 teams departed the Windy City on a race around the world, married folk wrestled with their inner demons (literally) and a couple of geeky guys whose names we won’t remember by Leg 6 were eliminated from the race. The Amazing Race voodoo doll was also resurrected, with this season’s lucky victim being…you guessed it…Jonathan. And…I’m rooting for Kris & Jon to go. All. The. Way.

Bwa ha ha.

10 teams remain. Who will be eliminated…next?

Funny thing I noticed during the credits…they showed our Mormon sisters in bikinis, squirting each other with a hose, which was rather ironic. I’m waffling on calling them the Mormon Bikini Team but don’t want to offend anyone. Ah, screw it. Mormon Bikini Team it is. The UberHusband also pointed out that we don’t have a “gimmick” team this season. We’ve had soccer moms, football-jersey-wearing moms, bowling moms, Yogi & Boo-Boo, committed partners and “dating Christians”. I guess technically, Lori & Bobo could be considered the gimmick team, if you’re going off of sheer appearance. Hmm.

We return to Iceland. For those of you who successfully made it through the American school system, Iceland is the country with lots of green, while Greenland is the country with lots of ice. Or is it the other way around? Anyway, Phil geographizes that Iceland is built primarily on glaciers and active volcanoes. Smack-dab in the middle of this cornucopia of climatological goodies lies the Blue Lagoon, the Pit Stop for this, the first leg in a race around the world.

As is de rigeur for the start of each new season, we’re introduced to the concept of the Pit Stop. Eat, drink, sleep with the other players…and talk about Botox (too bad I can’t take credit for that nickname) and LoudMouth behind their backs. Come on, you know they’re all doing it. The only all-”male” team we had is gone, so there isn’t even anyone to oogle Lena & Kristy.

Hayden & Aaron depart first…and must fly to Oslo, Norway then track down the Holmenkollen ski jump, where they’ll find their next clue. I love the Amazing Editors. Seriously. They make people look so dumb. Hayden and Aaron have been dating for ten months and he’s, “still learning new things about her.” Good, otherwise I’d think she was pretty damn boring. Aaron continues on to say that although Hayden is bossy, he loves that about her. Hee hee. Ah…so young. What’s that old saying? The thing you love the most about someone at the beginning of a relationship…?

More couple-y fighting and more backseat driving. I love my husband so much.

Gus & Hera depart last and Gus continues to show just how out of touch with reality he is with, “Hera and I share the same baggage that we had at the start and that’s Hera’s stubborn, I’m stubborn.” What’d you expect? It’s only been one leg of the race! And again, maybe it’s just Amazing editing but I don’t see Hera being stubborn at all. This is standard parental psychology…you think your child is being “stubborn” simply because she isn’t doing what you tell her to do. That’s not stubborn, that’s called growing up. Oops…got sidetracked.

At the airport, we don’t get any in-flight drama because everyone hops the same flight to Oslo. What’s great about this is that it completely flip-flops the order of the teams and he who was first, winds up being last. In Oslo, the teams are supposed to locate the “marked cars,” which proves to be more of a challenge for some than others. Don & Mary Jean go so far as to duck down and hide so Jonathan and Victoria, who are running around like Norwegian chickens with their heads cut off, don’t see them and find their car. That’s just brilliant.

The Mormon Bikini Team manages to procure a young, local guy to be their guide…again, brilliant.

What’s unfortunate is Maria doesn’t know how to drive a stick-shift. I told the UberHusband that if we were going to be on The Amazing Race, one of the first things I’d do is brush up on my manual transmission skills. Unfortunately, Maria can’t get the car out of the parking lot, which ticks off the other teams who did brush up on their manual transmission skills. Maria finally gets the car into gear and herky-jerky drives off. I felt really bad for Maria…she had the same look on her face I had when my dad was trying to teach me to drive our old Volkswagen Rabbit back in 1988.

Mary Jean wants to know what happened…apparently, she and Grampa Don were supposed to be smarter than the other teams. Jonathan and Victoria continue to fight…not bicker…fight. She whines, he yells and throws his arms around while still managing to drive the car.

As much as I love Kris, I have to give her the coveted Amazing Quote of the Week award for, “As a geography major in school, I know where we’re going and how to get there.” Uhhhhhhh…er…..okay. I was a political science major in school…guess I could run for President?

Lena & Kristy make it to the Fahrvernugen ski jump first. Aha…Roadblock. But this season kids, we have a twist. Jerry Bruckheimer, apparently fed up with the fact that the women were dumping all of the Roadblock challenges on their unsuspecting male partners, has implemented a rule that each team member can only do 6 of the Roadblocks. This time, they have to ride a zip line to the end of the ski jump. Sweeeeeeeeeet! How fun! Once completed, they’ll go to a traditional viking village and receive their next clue. Of course, Lena & Kristy’s manservant knows exactly where to go.

Adam & Rebecca, or Team Potato Eyes, bugs the crap out of me. Seriously. Here’s what we know about these two:

They’re “formerly dating” but continue to talk like they’re still a couple. Gah.

He’s living with his parents.

She asks him, “Are you going to wimp out on me?”

As he careens down the zip line, he constantly yells that he loves his mom.

Meredith & Maria finally make it to the Roadblock…”Who’s up for an Olympic challenge?” That’s right ladies…put your car in gear and drive all the way back to where you started. Hee. Good luck.

Everyone finishes the Roadblock, but not before Gus dumps the challenge on Hera and Don takes it away from Mary Jean. I guess those two had an agreement that she would do the no-strength-required challenges. I’d be pissed off, too.

Welcome to a traditional viking village! More marital bickering and Victoria gets her head whacked by the trunk of the car as Jonathan runs into the viking village yelling, “WE’RE NUMBER ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! YOU’RE A WHINER AND A COMPLAINER, WE’RE NUMBER ONE!” The Mormon Bikini Team just laughs at him and continues to apply lip balm. Jonathan further shoves his foot up his ass with, “She had NO CONFIDENCE in me. This game TEACHES YOU about YOURSELF! I am SO PROUD OF MYSELF!”

The next morning, the teams are split up into two boats of 5 teams and they race across a fjord. I was surprised that Team Successful was so efficient while Team Unsuccessful, under the capable instability of Lord Jonathan, was so unsuccessful. Not. Team Successful wins. Clue-rip. Teams must now train and drive a long way to this marked bridge, where they’ll receive their next clue. Whenever I see a bridge, I think one thing - a Detour where Good Choice is jumping off the bridge. Let’s watch…

Freddy & Kendra, of The Losing Boat, lose their clue two seconds after opening it and cavalierly retrieve another out of the box. I said to the UberHusband, “Wait, they can’t do that, right?”

Adam is the world’s biggest baby. To be honest, and I’m embarrassed to admit this, but he reminds me of an ex-boyfriend of mine. If you’re reading this, you know who you are. For some stupid reason, Rebecca told him to take his glasses off in the boat. He told her to shut up, then took them off. Hee. Guess he lost his glasses because, through gritted teeth and jerky head nod towards Rebecca in the back seat, Adam barked, “If you ever tell me to take my glasses off again, I’m never going to talk to you…in my…for the rest of my life. Do you understand me, Rebecca? Thank you. Thank you very much. I have no glasses. Thank you.” Well dude…why are you still driving the car?

Then, Adam and Rebecca have The Talk, where he goes all Drama King on her, his face falls and waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah HE DOESN’T WANT HER TO NOT LOVE HIM. Geez…who has the power in that relationship? She threatens to dump him (again, I thought they were “formerly dating”) and he turns into Happy Fun Boyfriend, bends over and takes it from her. I don’t get couples like that.

Where were we…oh yeah, the marked bridge. Detour. In this Detour we again, have Bad Choice and in a fun, new twist this week, Worse Choice. In Bad Choice/Accuracy, teams must successfully complete three traditional Viking games. Sadly, Jenga isn’t one of them, although that would have been fun. In Worse Choice/Endurance, teams must roller ski 1 3/4 miles downhill…successfully…to receive their next clue.

Why anyone even bothered with roller skiing, I don’t know…especially when it started raining. More male whining about “wasting time” and the Mormon Bikini Models snowplow before switching to Bad Choice. I empathized…just ask the UberHusband about my aborted attempts at learning to snowboard last February.

Once completing the Detour, teams must travel to a location I had to wait until this morning to find on the CBS website because Channel 11 was running a Severe Thunderstorm Warning across the bottom of our screen, which blocked out the name of the 1,000-year old traditional farm.

Nesheimstunet Village is the Pit Stop for this leg of the race.

I wanted to slap Mary Jean. Apparently, back in the Stone Age when she was in college she had an unfortunate incident with a bow-and-arrow and still carries that around with her. Get over it and move on already.

Kris & Jon…Team Sweethearts…you are TEAM NUMBER ONE! Take that, Jonathan! They’re number one, they’re number one! They also won an Alaskan cruise. Sweet. This show has come a long way since the days of handing out flimsy Kodak EasyShare cameras, eh?

Botox & LoudMouth are Team #2. Damn.

Gus & Hera are Team #3. Gus unenthusiastically grumbles, “That’s good.” Phil, obviously pissed that Gus doesn’t understand this is a race around a world for a million bucks, replies, “That’s real good!”

Freddy & Kendra are the sixth team to arrive, which we find out, is not the same as Team #6. Because they violated an Amazing Rule by taking the replacement clue out of the clue box earlier, they have to stand over in a corner for the duration of their 30-minute penalty and watch other teams pass them by. Neener neener. I love the countdown clock in the corner every time they cut to the Penalty Box. At the beginning, Freddy & Kendra are kind of snipping at each other and with five minutes left, she’s sitting on his lap, crying.

Unfortunately, Meredith & Maria arrive last and are eliminated from the race. I liked them, but they weren’t exactly a winning team. Now they can watch Jonathan and Victoria self-destruct like the rest of us.

Next time on…The Amazing Race…Jonathan and Victoria reach the boiling point (yawwwwwwwwwwwn) and teams get to go to Ikea!

I Do Not…Have…Anthrax: Dan Rather is stepping down from CBS news in March of 2005. No snark necessary, but if you’d like to revisit some classic, 2-month old Dan Rather snark…here you go.

Another Reason to Skip the Low-Carb Diet Thing: Grilled Virgin Mary cheese sandwich ultimately sells for $28,000 on eBay to online casino GoldenPalace.com.

Pawsitively Unacceptable: Just in time for the winter months, an umbrella for your pooch. I love my dogs, but they would back me into a corner and chew my toes off if I put this on them.

Don’t Forget the Breast Pump: Never fret, Julia Roberts isn’t having significant pregnancy issues, but some nitwit set up a fake baby registry for her and hubby Danny Moder at BabiesRUs.com.

About her twins, she says, “They’re huge, they’re bionic, it’s pretty amazing. My stomach is enormous and the bigger it gets the smaller my ass looks so I’m kind of enjoying it.”

I picked Daisy up at PetsMart in Mesquite on January 23, 1999, but since she was nine weeks old when I sprung her from doggie jail, we estimate her birthday to be November 23, 1998.

Here she is the day after I got her, weighing in at a solid 9 lbs. What a doll.

Look what living the good life for six years has done to her:

Happy Birthday, cutie pie. Enjoy the squeak toy Daddy and I got you.

We decided to tape The Simpsons and Arrested Development last night (still watched them before going to bed, though) so I could cry for an hour during A Very Special American Dreams.

MIA Marine and American Hero JJ Pryor has been floating around the Cambodian countryside for awhile and eventually finds friendly folk who patch up his leg and send him home. The episode was definitely a tear-jerker, watching this one once-young and innocent man return a very different person to his family.

My only problem? The trade-off for “limited commercial interruptions” is that I had to watch four Ford commercials built in to the show. First, we see a Ford commercial on one of the televisions in Papa Pryor’s shop. Then, a bus drives by with an ad for a New! Ford! on it’s side. Then…Rogue Uncle Cop points out the new Mustang on the back of a magazine.

Finally, the cherry on top of the sundae, Papa Pryor gets JJ a brand-spanking-new car for his homecoming…ta da! A Ford Mustang. A word of advice…never get a guy with a girlfriend (fiancee?) and a baby a two-door car. My mom has multiple photos of her after whacking her head trying to get me into the back of her and Dad’s Dodge Dart Swinger circa 1972.

Almost made me long for the days of having Campbell’s tomato soup shoved down my throat at every turn of the script page. It also reminded the UberHusband and I that we need to go look at non-Ford automobiles since his lease is about to come up.

Darcey reminded me about the 5-minute Ford commercial at the end of the show. I had to pause the show earlier, so I fast-tivo-forwarded through it. I did see a new Mustang, though.

sexy guest for mike
honky tonk, sister was there?
susan takes a hit

desperate housekids
money cannot buy you love
rex come home, need you

poor lynette, strung out
please, can i use your bathroom?
my, what lovely tarts

mama solis knows
the jig is up, gabrielle
watch out for the car

ten grand and she’s dead
evil drives a minivan
monday night football

As we headed out to the grocery store tonight, I noticed the folks across the street from us…have their Christmas tree up, decorated and lit.

As I was getting my hair cut yesterday, my hairdresser told me about a client she’d seen earlier in the week, who had already decorated her house in full holiday and Christmas regalia, so it would be primped and properly coiffed for her Thanksgiving guests.

I don’t know about you, but up until, well…last year, when I went to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, it was decorated for Thanksgiving. We had an overload of turkeys and fall colors and pumpkins and pilgrims and a few gourds thrown in for kicks and giggles. Either that, or the house was decorated like mine, still displaying the “Happy 4th of July!” sign on the front door.

Ah, how times have changed. Fortunately, at Nordstrom, some things are still sacred. When we were there earlier today, a big sign welcomed you at each entrance declaring their corporate policy of taking the holidays “one holiday at a time,” so you wouldn’t see any premature holiday decorations until November 26. Those wacky renegades!

Five more days and then I can officially go all holiday berzerko.

Writing up the grocery list is making me hunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngry!

Herb-roasted turkey breast

Wild mushroom turkey gravy
Green bean casserole (with pan-fried leeks replacing the onion straws)
Mashed sweet potato casserole w/caramelized bananas
Mom’s classic stuffing recipe

Rolls
Peach pie
Wine: Castello Banfi Rosso di Montalcino

From the Cincinnati Enquirer…

The truly shopper-savvy don’t need a wake-up call to get to the day-after-Thanksgiving sales.

But if an overdose of turkey and pumpkin pie puts you in a coma, Target is ready to ring you awake, preferably for the stores’ 6 a.m. Nov. 26 and 8 a.m. Nov. 27 openings. And the call won’t be some somber hotel-voice.

Instead, you pick the voice - Heidi Klum, Ice-T, Cheech Marin, Darth Vader, a rooster, a crying baby and others - to call you to shopping attention.

Americans can log on Nov. 17 to www.target.com/wakeup to register for a call between 4 a.m. and 10 a.m. (You can hear sound bites at the site.) You’ll be asked to pick a character and a time and provide a first and last name, zip code, e-mail address, confirmation that the person is 13 or older, date of the call, time of the call, time zone and phone number of a landline or cell phone.

p>The O.C.

I love Seth Cohen, but can someone please make him shut up? God, he’s getting on my nerves. I’m also having a tough time adjusting to Ryan Atwood as a science nerd but hey, if he can tame New Girl on the Block With a Chip On Her Shoulder, she could be this season’s Anna. Also…methinks there might be a reunion between Julie & Jimmy once Grampa Nichol heads to the slammer. Would you like another cocktail, Marissa?

Survivor

We forgot to Tivo Survivor last night, so I didn’t find out until this morning that Chad of the Swiss Army Leg had been given the boot. Dude, I’m sorry…I was pulling for you. And, I just realized I made a really bad unintentional pun.

The Apprentice

I’ve been waiting and hoping for Maria to get her immaculately-lipsticked self fired since September 24…but I had to wait until last night for my dream to become a reality. Happy Birthday to me. I was also not entirely surprised The Donald gave Wes The Boot after he just sat there and let Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Maria peck at each other without stepping in and getting things under control. Guess he’d rather watch a good catfight than make a good decision. Typical. By the way…Ivana…brilliant idea with the decision wheel.

ER

Well Kerry Weaver, not all Chiefs of Emergency Medicine can check their souls at the door and wield their powerful fury on County General like you, so lighten up on Sweetheart Susan. She’s doing the best she can, what with Doogie Howser, the chick from Bend it Like Beckham and Velma working in her ER. Add in an Attending who needs some psychological counseling to help deal with the death of his unborn child and the death of his Summer Camp in Africa relationship and a stay-at-home-dad who won’t leave you alone to bring home the bacon, and you’re probably wishing that helicopter had hit you instead of Dr. Romano. Marissa’s mixing up some fabulous Newport Beach Iced Teas. Give her a call.

Received via email today…strangest birthday greeting ever…

Dear Stacy:

We wish you a very happy birthday!
Thank you for being a member of American Consumer Opinion®.

Sincerely,

Anne Parks
Vice President
American Consumer Opinion®

Least Strange Birthday Greeting…a hilarious card from fellow blogger, smart-ass and neighbor, Ali…thanks!

Glad to see my age automatically updates in my profile…ugh. {wink}

Okay, so that’s not what the Mysterious French Woman was saying in the 16-year-old distress call on Lost, but it sure made for a good title!

For half a second I thought Sayid had walked into another one of Locke’s boar traps when he was strung up like a side of beef at a butcher shop but alas, that was not the case. He was subjected however, to the shock torture, involuntary sedation and rather unattractiveness (she looked like what I would imagine Howard Stern would look like if he were a chick) of the Mysterious French Woman…Danielle. Then…he volunteers to fix her music box, and actually does it! Well, color me happy and call him MacGyver! Where was this guy when my Pretty Pink Princess music box went kapooey in the first grade? Bygones.

Danielle provides a lot of words but little meaning, mostly about “them” and “the others” and “God, you’re hot…and I’ve been alone for sixteen years without male companionship.” Okay, she didn’t say that last part, but you just know she was thinking it. She doesn’t divulge much, but Sayid sure is free with the stories and explanations regarding the photo of a beautiful young woman he’s carting around.

He was indeed in the Republican Army, where his job was to play Bad Cop/Executioner Cop with traitors. That’s all good and well until a childhood friend, Nadia, is put in front of him for possible involvement in a bombing. Nadia knows that being a bad-ass isn’t in Sayid’s true nature, because she bullied him when they were little. Hee. He drags out her interrogation for a month and, when finally instructed to execute her because she isn’t giving up any information, he shoots who I assumed was his Commanding Officer, then himself so Nadia can get away.

But…no explanation as to why he was in Australia and why he got on the plane that ultimately crashed him into a deserted island. They haven’t been explaining that for people lately and it’s becoming a bit…unnerving. I want to know!

Ultimately, after going gun-to-gun, Danielle declines Sayid’s requests to come join the rest of the group for a rockin’ good time. She warns him to be very careful around his campmates. And with that, Sayid leaves to rejoin “the others.”

In other Camp Fuselage news, Hurley hits paydirt when he happens upon a set of golf clubs and creates a 2-hole, 3-par golf course with a sweeping vista of the ocean, and delivers the best oration so far in the show (IMO) to a skeptical Jack, Charlie and Michael, who think creating fun diversions is a waste of time when PEOPLE MIGHT BE DYING SOMETIME SOON!

“Rich idiots fly to tropical islands all the time to whack balls around. Dudes…our lives suck. Everyone’s nerves are stretched to the max. I mean, we’re lost on an island! Running from boars…and monsters…freakin’ polar bears!”

Michael: Polar bears?

Charlie: You didn’t hear about the polar bear?

“Look…all I’m saying is if we’re stuck here, then just surviving ain’t gonna cut it. We need some kind of relief, you know? We need some way to…you know…have fun! That’s right…fun…or lese we’re going to go crazy waiting for the next bad thing to happen.”

So, Salvation Golf & Country Club is born and we observe several new campmates trying to integrate themselves in with the Cool Kids. Call me an elitist, but I like my little clique…even Sawyer, the outcast, who now appears to be trying to fit in with the others. I don’t want to get to know the rest of the castaways. Let them go hang out with Danielle.

Next week, after 124 months of pregnancy, it looks like Claire may be giving birth to what I can only assume will be Rosemary’s Baby.

Last night, the UberHusband and I watched Dr. Phil from Monday, when the topic was, “Ask Dr. Phil & Robin!” I always get a kick out of these shows, because the intent is to provide both the male and female perspective on things. Sometimes I agree, but this season, with the kinder, gentler Dr. Phil…generally, I disagree.

Their first guests were an engaged couple, engaged in a “disagreement” over whether or not the Groom should “be allowed” (yes, they used that term) to have his bachelor party at a strip club.

Do you want my opinion first or Robin’s? Alright…mine it is.

For the record, the UberHusband’s bachelor party consisted of Hooters, a Dallas Mavericks game and post-game whatnot at The Lodge. I didn’t give one whit about what he did because I love his friends, they love me, we’re all one big happy family and well, my husband is not a jerk who is going to do something stupid to jeopardize our relationship. I also wasn’t deathly afraid he’d find one of the strippers to be more appealing than me and dump me when he got home. When he did get home at 3 a.m., he smelled like strip club (or what I imagine one in Dallas would smell like) so I asked him to take a shower…and that was it. He showered, came to bed…and the sun came up a few hours later. No drama, no fanfare.

The reason I bring this up is because I hear woman after woman after woman complain that if her fiancé is going to a strip club as part of his bachelor party, that is somehow disrespectful to her. Please. The best part is most of these women can’t explain exactly how it is disrespectful…um…er…it just is! The Dr. Phil Phiancée said that her man going to a strip club was an inappropriate celebration of their marriage. No, no princess…you’re confusing his bachelor party with your wedding ceremony. The bachelor party has never been a celebration of the marriage, despite what your girlfriends have incorrectly told you. It’s not a test of his love for you. It’s a party. Period. I won’t even get into the barrage of rules and regulations reputable strip clubs have in place to ensure the kind of debauchery you fear won’t even take place.

I always piss people off when I say this but, if you’re that bent out of shape about your man going to a strip club as part of his bachelor party festivities, then either you’ve got serious self-esteem issues, or you’re marrying a insensitive jackass who in fact, had no respect for you before you decided to get married. Only you know for sure, but unless one of those situations apply to you, this shouldn’t be a problem. If you’re marrying an insensitive jackass who has no respect for you though, keep in mind…that is your choice. No coming back later to complain about what an ogre he is because you knew what you were getting going in.

Oh…Mrs. Dr. Phil’s opinion? It’s inappropriate…and the man’s days of carousing and looking at other women are over! Stand your ground, girlfriend! My favorite comment though…was Mrs. Dr. Phil saying the only woman who should be giving him a lapdance is his fiancé/almost-wife! GAH! Compromise, but be sure you get your way, ladies!

I guarantee…what’s going to happen with this couple is that he’ll have his bachelor party…and he’ll go to a strip club with his friends (who probably can’t stand his future wife, and vice-versa) and will spend the next who-knows-how-many-years trying to make sure she doesn’t find out. Why? Because, he’s not a cad. He just wanted a little traditional bachelor party fun and his wife made her insecurities his problem. Too bad. Marriage can be such fun, if done right. From the beginning.

The first episode of any new season of a reality show is always a bit of a train wreck. Too many teams, too much ominous foreshadowing…and there is always the annoying, bickering couple. The Amazing Race is no exception, but all of this makes for a difficult blog. I’ll be back in true form for Episode 2. Promise.

Eleven teams. Who will be eliminated…next?

The Chicago skyline…and Phil is looking as hot as ever. Our eleven teams approach Grant Park and the Married With Children Fountain (I can’t believe I got a hit on that in Google) via motorboats on Lake Michigan. Where are they coming from? The western Michigan shore? 2 seconds before the first snark hits…a new record, I believe. We’re introduced to the teams, which I’ve already discussed, and I immediately decide I want Jonathan of Team Married Entrepreneurs, to lose. Badly. He’s not quite Colin nuts, but more than Wil nuts, if that makes sense.

I always laugh when Phil gives the teams their instructions on how to Run the Race, like they haven’t spent the last five weeks going over the nuances and details and legalities of the game in intricate detail. They all just hopped on a speed boat, landed in Chicago and…let’s go!

Everyone makes it through the initial Mad Backpack Dash and their clue directs them to O’Hare International Airport via the Blue Line (UberHusband: “I know how to get there! No…NO…don’t go that way!”) and then fly to Bjorkland. Unfortunately, the next half an hour roughly is spent showing us how inept the teams are in locating the Blue Line and it’s usually around this point in the first episode that the UberHusband and I start waxing poetically about how much better we’d be at this than the other teams if for no other reason than we don’t yell at each other. However…I’d smack him silly if he ever called me a nagging bitch in front of 20 other people; even moreso if he said it to a CBS producer. Love you, sweetie!

But I digress. At the airport, we do our usual airport shuffle, the teams are unceremoniously polite (heh heh heh) and they all get their tickets to Bjorkland. The UberHusband wonders, if we’ve bought a full-fare ticket on American, could we use his gazillion upgrades to put us in First Class? We paid for a coach ticket so technically we haven’t broken The Cardinal Amazing Rule but…hmm.

Our teams arrive in Bjorkland within about 5 minutes of each other and are directed to the Seljalandsfoss waterfall, where they’ll get their next clue.

Let’s stop for a minute to update my impressions of the teams. Gus & Hera, or Team Dysfunctional Family…what is Dad’s deal? He keeps telling his daughter to calm down, slow down, quit driving so fast. Dude. It’s a race and I am going to go nuts watching you hold her back. Hera said that she and her Dad butt heads but frankly, all I saw was a father trying to constantly railroad his adult daughter. It takes two to butt heads. FYI.

Lori & Bolo…the married wrestlers…I like their pizzazz, but prefer it on Mute. Adam & Rebecca. Hey Zippy…what are those two little things on your head? You…you I will call Team Potato Eyes. So far, my personal front-runners are Kris & Jon and Freddy & Kendra.

I don’t mean to rush through this recap, but there just wasn’t a lot to talk about…lots of team character development, not much bite. Oh wait…except for the part where Team M&M follows a team away from the waterfall thinking they’re being led to the waterfall. Oops. Big oops.

Once at Falalalalalalalala Falls, the teams are directed to the largest glacier in Europe, Vatnajokull. Raise your hand if, like me, you never really considered Iceland to be a European country. It just sort of floats out there on it’s own…how you gonna control that? Once at the glacier, we have our first non-elimination mini pitstop of sorts, which methinks was just an excuse for Phil to have an unphilievable time with the blonde hottie we’ll see later in the show. {wink} Our teams pick a tent with their shuttle departure time and…then…I don’t know what they did. Wife Wrestler kicked Husband Wrestler’s ass but other than that, people just stood around.

The next morning our teams depart for Glacier Ice Beach (brrr!) and encounter their first Detour which, in classic TAR form, consists once again of “Good Choice” and “Bad Choice.” In Good Choice, teams must scale a wall of ice. In Bad Choice, teams must leisurely boat around a seven-square-mile glacial lagoon looking for a buoy with their next clue attached or, “Find a needle in a floating haystack.” Naturally, Avi and Joe, of Team Prof. John Frink take the logical, science teacher route and pick Bad Choice, presumably so they can analyze it to death and talk some more about how Brooklyn is better than Queens or whatever it was they were talking about. Gaaaah. The folks who picked Good Choice are glad they did, because it wasn’t so bad. With the exception of “I’M KING OF THE WORLD!” Jonathan and his unfortunate wife/teammate, the teams who chose “Bad Choice” I would imagine, came to regret their choice.

Next, teams must travel 200 miles to the Blue Lagoon, the pit stop for this leg of the race. While en route, we witnessed the obligatory “We’re in Europe so whatever you do, don’t put diesel into the car” mishap with Team Potato Eyes. That’s always so fun.

Phil is waiting for the first team, on the Mat of Fame with aforementioned pseudo-Scandinavian hottie. Hayden & Aaron (wait…who?)…you’re Team #1! Congrats! As the winners of the first leg of the race, you win a trip to Hawaii! But…you can’t go until after you’re done with this…mwa ha ha ha ha!

Sadly, Jonathan and Victoria didn’t come in last, nor did Gus & Hera, whom I predicted would be the first to go. Lifelong Buddies from Competing Buroughs Avi & Joe were the last team to arrive and eliminated from the race.

I wasn’t upset, because Joe really creeped me out. Next week on…The Amazing Race…couples yell at each other.

Off I go to create this season’s voodoo doll of Jonathan. Need to find an itty bitty piece of yellow spandex.

Take This Baster and Shove It! A turkey in Iowa is taking matters into his own claws. Obviously he, too, is irritated his holiday is being so blatantly overlooked this year in favor of the slimmer, funnier, more attractive Christmas. Gobble, gobble!

But I Wanna Know For Sure: The FDA has banned Viagra ads that imply a man will regain his sexual vitality if he takes the drug. Thank God. We don’t want anyone thinking people who take it might be flushing their money down the toilet. Silly rabbit, not that Wild Thing.

The Moooooooooovie Star! Rachel Hunter will play “Ginger” on the new TBS reality show The Real Gilligan’s Island. Oh…are we playing Celebrity Gilligan’s Island? Cool. Allow me to play armchair casting director…

James Remar as The Professor
Barbra Streisand & James Brolin as The Millionaire….and His Wife
Dominic Monaghan as Gilligan

Dr. Phil as The Skipper
And finally…Lindsay Lohan as Mary Ann.

Anna Anna, Fabulous Anna: Anna Nicole Smith made a spectacle of herself at the American Music Awards, garnering sympathy along with shouts of idiocy. Courtney Love was spotted early the next day clearing out every GNC store within a 30-mile radius of all it’s TrimSpa stock.

The third most-underappreciated show on television.

Previously on The Amazing Race 5, Chip & Kim won, Colin & Christie got engaged and Team Gee, My Hair Looks Terrific! finished in a respectable third-place, with their lovely locks intact.

Tonight…finally…after reschedule on top of reschedule on top of guesstimated reschedule, The Amazing Race 6 is scheduled to kick off it’s new season with a 2-hour Philspectacular.

Desperate Housewives wasn’t on last night, so I give you…Arrested Develophaikus.

lindsay, tobias
open marriage, homeless
diamond lotion

all that he can be
in the line of fire, buster
who is your daddy?

oh no, george michael

scary girlfriend, scowl and snarl
no arizona

gob michael battle
new model home, rock scissors
business model

Not only is the UberHusband now a skilled washer repairman, but yesterday he completely replaced the toilet in our guest bathroom. Whatta guy. {wink}

Renovate My Phamily: Dr. Phil joins son Jay on the November 12 & 19th episodes of Renovate My Family. How awesome would it have been if someone else jumped out and surprised Jay, Dr. Phil & Mrs. Dr. Phil and said they were going to be the renovated phamily…then dragged them off to the Cooper Aerobics Center and lectured Dr. Phil on what a workaholic he is? Damn…that would have been good.

Lindsay Lohan and Fez have broken up. This is what happens when a teenage girl accompanies her 20-something boyfriend to Costco. Too much, too fast. Slow down there, missy!

American Idol first season runner-up Justin Guarini gives his regards to Broadway, then myseriously backs out. I can’t believe I dressed up as this guy for Halloween two years ago.

66 ABC affiliates refused to show Saving Private Ryan last Thursday on Veteran’s Day, citing the show as too violent. Yet, we’re still subjected to the proverbial bare nipple that is The Bachelor, the grisly horror of According to Jim and the unspeakable atrocity of Less Than Perfect.

An attorney is suing the producers of Law & Order for $15 million, claiming they defamed him by portraying him as a crooked attorney in one “ripped from the headlines” episode. I find it comical that he was able to identify himself as “the” crooked attorney. Like he’s the only crooked attorney out there. Guess the other crooked attorneys were afraid to go up against Jack McCoy but, wouldn’t that have been a great class action suit?

Sponsored bride Star Jones finally got married Saturday night. Doesn’t it feel good to pay less?

There has always been something rather off-putting to me about women who think that just because they’re mothers, they make better managers. I read Susan Reimer’s article about Ann Crittendon’s new book, If You’ve Raised Kids, You Can Manage Anything in the Dallas Morning News late last week and it really set something off in me. For every “strength” she listed, I was able to, fairly quickly, come up with an example that blows a hundred holes in her theory.

But parents bring something to work that their childless co-workers do not, and it isn’t a SpongeBob SquarePants sandwich holder.

Parents bring a special set of skills to the office, writes author Ann Crittenden, and they are the skills learned by being parents.

“As a business writer, I read all of the management literature,” said the author of “If You Can Manage Kids, You Can Manage Anything”.

“Then, as a new mom, I devoured every baby book. The light went on, and I said: ‘Wait. This looks like the same material.’ “

Duh. Good catch there, Ann. It’s also the same material that our parents (hopefully) taught us, youth socialization taught us and adult life has taught us. Sorry if you didn’t experience this ongoing life education until the birth of your child!

Scott Peterson found guilty.

Scott Hamilton has a brain tumor.

Great-grandmother set to deliver twins.

What else can I read to top off my day? Oh yeah, apparently the new Bridget Jones movie isn’t any good.

This will teach me to look at CNN.com after a busy day of support emails and pitching a complete overhaul of our Support department to the CEO of our company. I’s tired.

Be sure to tune in to Outwit, Outblog, Outsnark all through the months of November and December for your gluttonous intake of holiday snark! Wear something with an elastic waistband, ’cause I dole out extra large portions!

From an email I received last night…

Stacy, KVIL is Dallas/Fort Worth’s Home for the Holidays. Pretty soon, we’ll be decorating the station with wall-to-wall holiday music. It’s a North Texas tradition. Whenever you need a little Christmas, just turn on 103.7.

Tooooooooooooo late. That is so last week. Sunny 97.1 beat you to the punch. Try again next year.

Geez…Thursday primetime programming is a train wreck at our house…

Survivor

Watched The O.C. instead, but flipped over at the very end to see Sarge’s Trail of Tears speech. So much for whatever oogly-googly alliance he thought he had with his bare-assed buddies, eh?

The O.C.

Boy, this school year is going to suck. Why didn’t Hailey just tell Jimmy where she was really going instead of making up some lame story about fashion sales in Japan? By the way, the UberHusband has a big-time crush on Summer. He liked her last season but loves her this season. Hmm. Perhaps I should say, “Eww” more often at home?

The Apprentice

So glad to see Customer Service Chris gone…and shocked to discover Mr. Personality has a wife and a baby on the way. Eww. I was so disappointed in Jen and Ivana…I could have come up with a marketing plan for the “Build Your Own Bridal Salon!” task in about three minutes. #1 - Who is your target market? Duh. #2 - What would be a great way to contact all of them? Okay…maybe four minutes. But, what woman in her late 20s, married or not, hasn’t perused The Knot or The Wedding Channel? Come on. Good thing Raj was gone or else he probably would have tried to hook up with most of the brides-to-be.

North Shore

Taped this, will watch this weekend…although, I’ve seen the whole Gabe-meets-his-pregnant-lesbian-hookup’s-parents preview about three dozen times. “Are you a gay man? You look like a gay man.” Hee.

ER

I don’t like going to sleep sad. Was Ray Liotta amazing last night or what? I have no snark for this…except it was nice to not see Doogie Howser yapping his flap the whole episode. Have I already said I love Doctor Abby more than Nurse Abby? Hard to believe, but it’s true.

Mmmmmm…tasty!

Appetizer

Name 3 cosmetics/toiletries that you use on a daily basis.

Cetaphil cleanser
Olay Daily Regenerating Serum
L’Occitane Artemesia shampoo

Soup
Approximately how much exercise do you get per week, and what type of exercise is it (walking, running, swimming, etc.)?

45 minutes, 3-5 times a week…speedy (4.0 MPH) treadmill walking and weights.

Salad
Write a sentence including your favorite color and your favorite food.

My favorite sushi is salmon and tuna, because they both exhibit varying shades of pink.

Main Course
What famous person/celebrity do you think you look like?

No one in particular, although a few people used to say I looked like Meg Ryan. Used to.

Dessert
Name 2 simple things that never fail to make you happy.

A kiss from the UberHusband and watching Scrubs.

The last two days at work have been especially brutal for me. I was hired as a Project Manager but have been pulled into the Support department to “help out” after rolling out a new version of our product last week. Support email volumes have gone through the roof so I’ve been here, diligently tending to the customer’s problems. When I began yesterday, the number of messages in our Support mailbox was 456. When I logged off today, we were at 212. {deep breath and satisfied look on my face}

Good thing I had a stockpile of blog posts…was able to just login and post a couple of them. The Lost recap…I did that one before I “went to work” this morning. Hey, I’ve got my priorities in order.

I’m not a Support person…I’m not of the ideal Support personality type, although the production feel of what I’ve been tasked with is refreshing. Generally, I help out from the goodness of my heart and because I hate hearing the other Support folks complain about how much work they have, yet I accomplish three times as much as all of them combined in half the time. Seriously. I kept track of my stats yesterday.

It’s amazing how hypnotic methodically answering emails can get. Yesterday, I went four hours without getting up from my desk at all and I forgot to eat my lunch. Today, same deal. I did eat breakfast before getting started, though. And to think, I was going to get the laundry done! Good thing I got up, showered, dressed and cleaned up with the UberHusband this morning or I’d probably still be sitting here in my fleece PJs.

Anyhoo…I finally stopped the madness a couple of minutes ago, took a whiff of the Pumpkin Pie Yankee Candle burning on my desk and glanced over at my Countdown Clock, which is next to the candle and in front of a picture of me and the UberHusband on our wedding day.

88 days. 88 days until we get out of Dodge for nine days in Hawaii.

Ahhhhhhhhh.

Outwit, Outblog, Outsnark has just recently finished researching a new and highly effective once-a-week birth control method and awards it the OWOBOS Seal of Approval.

No pills, no patches…but you do have to take it every Wednesday night at 9 p.m. Eastern & Pacific/8 p.m. Central. Earplugs optional.

This week it was Sawyer’s “turn” on Lost. Now I don’t know about you, but when I travel for business I tend to leave the $140,000 in cash at home rather than in my briefcase, but that’s because I’m not in Sawyer’s line of business. He’s a con man.

Big surprise.

Sawyer’s con is that he likes to rip off unsuspecting married couples. He wines and dines the women, shows them a “few new tricks between the sheets” and then by some grace of God, they’re so infatuated they convince their husbands into handing Sawyership Down all of their money for some “big oil deal”. His last gig though, he discovers, involves a child so he quickly backs out of the deal, much to the dismay of the husband who probably promised his wife he’d do the dishes for the next ten years if she’d PLEASE go through with the get-rich-quick scheme so he could get his new Hummer.

Ah…but here’s the rub. Sawyer has a letter from a child, basically blaming him for the death of his parents. Dad was so upset that Mom had lost his money to this smarmy con artist and so distraught over basically the collapse of their life, that he killed Mom, then killed himself. Sawyer shows this letter to Kate and all of a sudden we get what the deal is…he’s on the island to pay some sort of restitution for all the hell and chaos he caused on the Mainland. Not…quite.

Kate notices the postmark is from 1976…and the letter isn’t to Sawyer, it’s from him. Sawyer’s not even his real name. His parents were the ones to die the grisly deaths and wouldn’t you know it…the disruptive con from his youth was named…drumroll please…Sawyer. So, Sawyer turned into the monster from his youth. Eh. That’s the best J.J. Abrams could do? Boo.

This story didn’t really tell me much…although I’m always open to other perspectives. He’s a jerk, but now he’s a jerk with a painful past. This week’s Jerk Move Du Jour was leading all of Camp Fuselage to believe that he had Shannon’s asthma inhaler and then manipulating (or trying to) various folks to get what he wants in exchange for what they want. Same gig, different locale. Unfortunately for Sawyer, it got him a few reeds up his fingernails. The best quote came from Sayid, after Jack questioned his military skills as a training officer and their usefulness with Sawyer, “Part of my training was getting the enemy to communicate.” Hee.

After, um, “getting Sawyer to communicate,” Sawyer cries for mercy and says he’ll tell them where the inhaler is if he can get a kiss from Kate. Kiss Me Kate. I just realized how funny that sounds. Anyway, dude, you’re still hung up on that? Let. It. Go. But, Kate’s all for taking one for the team if it means she can help so she gives Sawyer not one, not two, not three but FOUR kisses…with tongue involved! What’s that you say, Sawyer? You don’t have the asthma inhaler after all? Neener neener. Grrrr. Grrrr.

Not to panic, though…yes, Shannon did have an asthma attack and it was full of all the drama and panic you’d expect from The Blonde One. The UberHusband commented, “It’s just time to kill and eat her.” SuperJack helped Shannon through her attack by telling her to calm down, and Sun also helped by concocting a eucalyptus homeopathic remedy. Good going there, girlfriend…despite your suspicious husband who always thinks you’re doing something wrong.

In other Camp Fuselage news, Claire finally reappeared with a raging peanut butter craving! Charlie, I guess past the tough part of his rehab, tries to hunt some down and goes straight for Hurley. Charlie makes an awkward comment to him about hiding food (”I mean, look at you!”) and then thinks better since Hurley could squash Charlie in two seconds. Shut up there, lil’ buddy. With no peanut butter, Charlie finds an empty jar and tries to convince Claire that it’s full of yummy creamy peanut butter. It really was a cute scene…and made me want peanut butter.

After going medieval on Sawyer’s ass, Sayid decided he was becoming what he said he’d never be again, so he decided he needed some “me time” and took off to map out the island. See ya pal, was nice knowing you. {wink}

When the show was over, I was looking for my asthma inhaler and couldn’t find it. I started to panic, which made it worse. I calmed down, relaxed and…the attack subsided. Thanks, Dr. Jack!

I was hoping to wake up this morning to a clearly defined Presidential winner but noooooooo…no one wants to declare a winner in Ohio. My original title for this morning’s post was “Postscript” but alas, we’re not quite there yet.

In other political news, Dallas County last night elected it’s first female, Latina sheriff. Lupe Valdez. I don’t care that she’s a Democrat, I don’t care that she’s gay, either. I care that she’s a true example of the American dream. Plus, it was kind of fun to watch good ‘ol boy Danny Chandler’s smirk disappear when he realized he’d lost…especially since the local news nerds were all over him at one point because he was winning. Sweet.

Tom Daschele lost. Hee.

Seattle voters overwhelmingly rejected Initiative 83, which means the UberHusband and I will probably be moving to the Emerald City in the Spring. Issaquah voters overwhelmingly supported a new streetlight system in their burgeoning little burg, which, after our visit there over Labor Day weekend to look at houses, they sorely need.

I’m really surprised no one mentioned how Louisiana went red this year, electing a Republican senator for the first time since Reconstruction and supporting George W. Bush?

Now if we could just all agree on Ohio, we could get on with life. Check out the photos below I (okay, the UberHusband) found while surfing last night’s coverage.

I’m trying not to turn this into a holiday-themed blog (at least until my new holiday blog skin comes up in the near future), but I just can’t help it. Far too much material exists and smacks me in the face every day to just pooh-pooh it away. Considering I just started snarkblogging back in June, I haven’t had the titillating joy of pointing out holiday eccentricities. Fun!

I swear though, I’m not a Christmas-basher. I’m not a religion-basher either, but I read Kirk’s post about an email he received from Christian Debt Helpers and couldn’t help but laugh, especially given the timing of the email. I hope CDH hasn’t contacted Amazon.com in the last week or else I will probably be targeted, as well…LOL.

I bet whoever gets these molehills of financial salvation will get another one the first week in January, after the holiday bills come streaming in.

Too. Damn. Funny.

E-Mail Subject:
Bill removal the Christian way

E-Mail Body:
Let the debt removal experts at ChristianDebtHelpers.com use sound Christian principles to help you:

- Eliminate up to 70% of your debt
- Reduce or entirely eliminate late & over limit charges

- Stop harassing creditor phone calls the Christian way
- Avoid the nightmare of bankruptcy
- Lift the burden of debt off your shoulders

When I read “Stop harassing creditor phone calls the Christian way,” I imagined someone like Ned Flanders calling up First USA and saying, “Hi diddly ho there, would you mind freezing this customer’s interest rate? He’s a good Christian boy and didn’t understand that $3.99 a minute actually meant $3.99 a minute. What’s that? You’re telling me to go screw myself? Well, okilly dokilly! Have a suuuuuuuuuuuuuper day!”

So the UberHusband and I taped Scrubs last night and watched both episodes of The Rebel Billionaire: Sir Richard Branson is a Freaky, High-Flying Daredevil.

My my my…that show was intense! And I don’t mean intense in a “Gee, should the Bachelor and I go to the fantasy suite or not?” intense but rather a, “Gee, I hope they don’t die” intense.

“Critics” have called this show The Amazing Race meets The Apprentice. That’s fair…but the show (to me, anyway) also incorporated the non-gross elements of Fear Factor and the I’m-watching-you-but-you-don’t-know-it nuances of The Benefactor. There was also tea-drinking, but I couldn’t tie that to a reality show.

I sang Vonage’s praises last month and now, apparently the FCC agrees with me that VoIP is the wave of the future…a whole new technology for your telephone calls.

FCC Chairman Michael Powell said streamlining regulation of VoIP companies is key to growth of the fledgling industry.

“To subject a global network to disparate local regulatory treatment by 51 different jurisdictions would be to destroy the very qualities that embody the technological marvel that is the Internet,” Powell said.

There are more than 600,000 subscribers to VoIP services in the United States, up from about 130,000 last year, according to The Yankee Group. The Boston-based communications research firm projects about 1 million subscribers by year’s end.

VoIP technology shifts calls away from wires and switches and instead uses computers to convert sounds into data and transmit them via the Internet.

I’ve just had such bad experiences with traditional telephone companies (except for the one where I worked for six years, because I was never it’s customer)…it’s a proverbial breath of fresh air to see something new, exciting and cheaper…with no surly customer service reps.

Is anyone else planning to watch and/or Tivo The Rebel Billionaire tonight on Fox? I’ll admit, I’m intrigued. I’ve always thought Richard Branson was kind of a kick and the whole The Apprentice meets The Amazing Race idea could be fun, now that I’ve finally come to the realization that he has nothing to do with the entertainment junket in Missouri.

But…is the take-huge-risks-so-you-can-win-a-job/final-rose/million-bucks world of reality television already oversaturated? Any time you have a mogul with a healthy ego appear on television, results can be mixed. Take Mark Cuban. Obnoxious man in real life, obnoxious putz on television. Donald Trump…egomaniacal real estate weenie off-camera…egomaniacal real estate weenie on-camera, but with witty one-liners and cute sidekicks to lighten the mood.

I’m anxious to see what Richard Branson can do for me…I’m even more anxious to watch him walk the fine line between “risky” and “unequivocably stupid.”

Game on!

Geez Britney…you’re as bad as Sinead O’Connor. We get it. You’re taking a break. Fine by me. You announced to the world on October 16 that you were going away to allow all the other overexposed blondes to get their fifteen minutes…and…here you are again. Afraid the world is going to forget about you?

GAAAAAAH.

“My new hobby is experimenting with all different types of art lessons,” Spears wrote in a new letter to fans. “Maybe I’ll even do my sister’s make-up next year for big events. … At this point and time, what I want is not my face on every [magazine] cover, but someone else’s instead. I really want to help other people achieve their dreams and possibly even develop new artists.”

Great! I’m all for fall-back careers. Just. Go. Away. Already. Quit teasing me by saying you’re dropping off the face of the Earth, then not actually following through.