Biggest jerk on the planet. I’m even madder than I was when I got his original response earlier this week because this time…this time he got personal, which is so inappropriate in so many ways I can’t even get over it.

Here is his response to my email and my follow-up (not sending it to him because, what’s the point?) for your ever-waiting eyes:

At 07:48 AM 12/28/2004 -0600, Stacy said:

>If there are no refunds, then why in the world did the gift notification/confirmation email sent to my father specifically say that if the subscription was unwanted, to reply back that he didn’t want it and that you would then process a refund back to me? I wish I had a copy of that email, and am trying to get a copy from my father, because it’s the one I first forwarded to you following up about the stated refund.

There’s no need to get upset, or try to get a copy of the e-mail. I am happy to send you a copy if you must see it; it says “credit”, and I told you I DID credit your account — every penny went on your subscription — because that’s what you asked me to do:

I said:

>From: Randy Cassingham [mailto:randy@thisistrue.com]
>Sent: Monday, December 06, 2004 8:28 PM
>To: dad’s email address
>Cc: stacy’s email address
>Subject: Re: Paid Gift Subscription Renewed
>

>At 08:07 PM 12/6/2004 +0000, dad’s email address noted:
>
>>I am not interested in receiving this subscription.
>>
>>Thanks,
>
>No problem; I’ll credit it to Stacy.
>

>Have a peaceful holiday.

and you replied:

>From: “Stacy”
>To: “‘Randy Cassingham’”
>Subject: RE: Paid Gift Subscription Renewed
>Date: Mon, 6 Dec 2004 20:38:26 -0600

>X-Mailer: Microsoft Office Outlook, Build 11.0.5510
>
>Thanks Randy!

It said “credit”, *I* said “credit”, and you said thanks. I said “thanks” to you addressing my dad’s response and I thought you were crediting my credit card!

But fine. Even though the web site clearly says “no refunds”, I STILL offered you one. And I replied to your e-mail again and again and AGAIN, putting time into this because your e-mail didn’t work, and it only got through when I bothered to copy a second address you provided. I’ve never had a problem with this guy’s emails getting through until this problem started, which is typical. Considering I kept writing to him asking about the refund to my credit card, even if his responses weren’t getting through to me, the fact that I kept badgering him should have been confirmation enough that I wanted the refund.

And your response is to get UPSET that I took so much effort to offer you this special consideration? Um…yeah, because here we are…three weeks later and, um, still no refund…even after I officially confirmed that I wanted one four days ago and here you are, asking me again if I want a refund.

>In the future, it might be a better idea to send out the gift notification to the recipient and once the gift recipient says “Yes, I want This is True”, THEN charge the gift-giver’s credit card so as to avoid this.

OK, let’s go with that: I send a gift announcement, and get NO reply — which happens 99% of the time. And then I’d charge the card and find out the person has lousy credit, and then send an e-mail saying “your friend is a deadbeat, and I have to cancel your gift”? No doubt you’d REALLY be upset at that!

You asked for a gift to be sent. I’m not going to send it until it’s paid for. For you to suggest otherwise pretty much shows you haven’t thought this through. I love it when people insult my intelligence. Nowhere anywhere on this guy’s website did it say that if for whatever reason the gift subscriber doesn’t want it, that you’re stuck with it for the term of the subscription. And, the one point where I was 100% correct…that the site said “No Refunds” for unsubscriptions and technically, this wasn’t an unsubscription…notice he didn’t address that at all.

>But yes, I want a refund, because that is what was stated in your email back at the beginning of December if my dad did not want to renew.

No, it said it would be credited to you. And it was, and I told you that, and you thanked me. When you later asked for a refund, I agreed to give it, sending you my reply at least three times, saying I wanted to know if you still wanted it even knowing it would cost me money to do it. And you FINALLY get back to me to say yes, you want me to spend that money weeks later, and YOU are upset? That whole “thanked me” thing was addressed above but even if I didn’t reply to his emails, the fact that I sent him several emails asking when my credit card would be credited, doesn’t that sort of imply that yes, I want him to process the refund? And how much money are we talking about here? It’s a $36 charge. It’s not going to cost him $5,000 to process a refund.

You must have had a really lousy holiday. So did I: I got five hours off, spending all of Christmas morning and all Christmas evening working to get everyone’s gift notices out, as I’ve offered to do every year. I hope your refund helps improve your week: I’ll process it tomorrow — after working until 11:00 p.m., I choose not to stay up to do it tonight. Boo hoo pal, not my problem. Actually, I had a wonderful holiday. I too work from home and sometimes have excessive hours that include late nights and holidays but I would never, ever, put that back on my paying customers. Again…reap, sow. This is part of owning your own business. The fact that you’re trying to make me feel guilty about your employment choices is really sad.

Stacy said @ 8:05 am

I came up with a New Year’s Resolution - quit letting stupid people bother me so much.

If you need help coming up with one for yourself, Hallmark can help!

That’s going to be a lofty resolution to keep…I’m wound rather tightly and take issue with people who (a) don’t take responsibility for themselves, (b) have no common sense and…well, that’s about it. The list goes on and on but these are the Dynamic Duo.

Wait…there’s one more. I take issue with people who, knowing that they’re wrong, instead of doing the right thing and just saying “My bad,” try to twist the situation around to make you look like the bad guy. I have encountered this quite often in the workplace.

Anyhoo…as I was driving home from my nail appointment a little while ago, I heard “What a Wonderful World” on the radio and felt like a heel for letting this whole This is True thing bug me so much. My main issue - this could have been taken care of three weeks ago but one man’s voluntary actions dragged it to the point where I snapped. Maybe it was intentional…maybe the goal was to get me to finally relent and say, “Fine! Keep the $36 even though I have no product to show for it!” but, I don’t relent that easily.

Stupid people are all around us. They drive around us, provide services to us, they employ us, they answer the phone when we call Cingular and they give us The Finger when we don’t run red lights. Lest I become one terribly angry snark, I suppose I need to learn how to Let It Go. That sounds so much easier than it is. I hate it when people get away with bad behavior, especially when it seems to be the norm anymore.

2004, after a rather rocky start, wound up being one of the best years of my life up to this point. I’m happy, successful in the things that matter to me and…I’ve managed to parlay my loves of both writing and projecting my opinion into something concrete that I can look at each day…this blog.

So to all you idiots who pissed me off this year…Phuket You (That one’s for you, Dell)! I’m not going to let you drag me, my mood and the UberHusband’s mood (poor guy has to listen to me vent far too much) down anymore. You hear me? NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!

I feel so much better now. Onward and upward!

The UberHusband and I have tickets to go to the big shindig at the DFW Hyatt this year.

I had a nail appointment at 9 this morning, I have a hair appointment at 2 and then we’re off to our luxurious airport runway-view room to nosh on cheese & crackers and partake in a bottle of Veuve Clicquot before clicking our heels three times, saying, “There’s no place like the DFW Hyatt,” then enjoying dinner and the hip sounds of Emerald City.

The UberHusband went to Banana Republic and picked up a sexy outfit reminiscent of Brad Pitt in Ocean’s Eleven. I swear, he’s starting to become a really expensive date.

What are you all doing tonight? Staying in? Going out? Crawling under the covers and counting down the seconds until this God-forsaken year is over? Whatever your plans, stay safe, be careful, have fun and I’ll see you all on the flip side.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Larry King is such an arrogant, condescending jerk. I’ve never been a fan of his…personally, I think his head has gotten so big over the years that it barely fits into even my big-screen TV now.

But…last night one of his first guests was Matt, one of Ali’s brother Spencer’s friends who was on Phuket Island when the tsunami hit, and Mr. King was in rare form; interrupting Matt and chastising him like an errant child for going down to take pictures of the wave that ultimately kicked the crap out of him and his friends. You think Matt doesn’t also think it was a bit absurd now, in retrospect? No need to rub salt in the guy’s wounds, Mr. I-Won’t-Go-There-If-I-Can’t-Get-CNN!

Then…he just continued interrupting Matt and getting all impatient when Matt wasn’t responding to his questions fast enough. He’s in Thailand. There’s a delay. Ask the question, wait five seconds. If you don’t have five seconds to wait, find a couple of guests who are local and can respond quicker. Oh wait…he did.

Larry’s a news man…he should know better, but once he was able to get his attempt at sensationalism out of the way he could move on to his more “high-profile” guests, which included two people who were nowhere near Thailand, India or anyplace else in Southeast Asia but sure did like to talk a good game because they had relatives there or they had been there before.

When he grew tired of Matt’s story, he basically just cut him off. No wonder Matt hadn’t held on the line when Larry came crawling back for more sticky ratings goo.

The bummer thing was I didn’t even have a new episode of Nanny 911 to cleanse my viewing palate. Fortunately the Larry King hangover didn’t last long.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb!

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there…..

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat’s Answer: “Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?”

All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.

A reporter from the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, via this blog, was able to contact Ali and is running a story on her and her family in tomorrow’s paper. Be sure to check it out! I’ll post the link as soon as I have it!

Update from Ali…

*As of 8:00pm last night…the email that Patty sent to her friend telling him they were safe, might have been before the tsunami…we are trying to determine the day and time of the email.
GRRRRR! This is madness!

*Good news…as of 2:30pm our time, Spencer and Patty are OK.
We don’t know any other details other than they are fine and on the mainland.
I’ll keep you posted. I’m sure it will be one hell of a story!
Thanks again for all your help!
Lady Mac

Tsunami Hits Thailand…
This is bad but this time it’s personal. My youngest brother, Spencer and his girfriend, Patty are there on vacation on Phuket Island, where they filmed the movie The Beach.

Does anyone know how or where to get information on Americans in Thailand? I’ve tried the American Embassy in Bangkok but there was no answer. I really need some assistance! You can comment here or you can email me at ali@ladymac.com.

Thanks in advance for any help you can be.

This is going to be a sticky post at the top until we get some word on this…

Ali’s got family vacationing over in Thailand, where they’ve just been hit with a major earthquake and significant tsunamis.

If you have any information on how to contact anyone locally in that area, so she can try to track down the status of her brother and his girlfriend, let her know.

Our thoughts are with you Ali…keep us posted!

I also remembered this morning that my good friend Troy is working at the American Consulate in Chennai, India. I’ve sent him an email to see if he’s okay but I doubt communication lines are all that great there right now. Keeping my fingers crossed he’s alright!

An excerpt from the Fort Worth Star-Telegram…

For Ali McCally, 43, of Frisco, the Internet has been a blessing and a curse this past week.

McCally’s brother, Spencer Canon, 28, of California, was vacationing in Southeast Asia with his girlfriend this month. When McCally heard about the tsunami in that area, she yearned to hear from her baby brother.

Canon and his girlfriend had told McCally they were going to be on Phuket island off of Thailand’s mainland.

“It’s been very frustrating because we can’t get through to them,” McCally said.

McCally posted a plea for help on her blog, LadyMac.com, which she started in August.

“Does anyone know how or where to get information on Americans in Thailand? … I really need some assistance!” she wrote in a posting Sunday.

Later that day, she learned that a friend had received an e-mail from Canon’s girlfriend that said they were safe, but it was unclear whether the message was sent after the tsunami hit.

On Monday, the family members confirmed that the e-mail was sent after the tsunami hit.

Get ready for a spike in traffic, Ms. Ali and I am SO GLAD that you guys were able to get official word so quickly, although I’m sure it seemed like an eternity.

I also heard from my friend Troy in Chennai/Madras yesterday…turns out he slept through the earthquake. That’s so typical for him, I swear.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you’d never done before?
Started a blog & began working out of my home full-time.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t really do the New Year’s resolution thing…I prefer to come up with unrealistic goals that I won’t meet throughout the year, rather than just at the beginning. : :

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not to my knowledge.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year, thankfully.

5. What countries did you visit?
The country of TEXAS! Ha! I didn’t go anywhere “international” this year, although the UberHusband and I decided we wanted to visit Sweden in 2006.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
More patience, but I haven’t been able to maneuver that in 33 years so I don’t see it happening now.

7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 16…the day I quit my God-forsaken last job, May 22…the day I earned my Project Management Professional certification and December 28, because we bought a car and for the first time, I didn’t have a nervous breakdown during the process.

Jerry Orbach…dead at age 69.

I’ll miss ya, Lenny. Thank God TNT runs Law & Order reruns every ten minutes so it’ll be like you’re still here. : :

Last one of the year…let’s see what we’ve got…

A 19-year-old man in Louisiana, peeved that he got CDs instead of cash for Christmas, shoots at his family. Aside from the obvious joke about how his parents should put those CDs up on eBay and use the proceeds to buy a new heater for their church, was it really necessary for the Associated Press to point out they were living in a trailer park? Isn’t that sort of a given?

Liza Minnelli fell out of bed and whacked her head on Monday. You know, if she were still married to David Gest, this never would have happened. His soft, squishy face would have broken her fall nicely.

Bad-ass manager tells his comatose employee to “get his ass back to work” - and…the guy wakes up! Ah…a return to the good old days. Gone are the days of touchy-feely politically correct management. Snap out of that coma and get that freaking TPS report to me, pronto!

Sick of Ken Jennings yet? The producers of Jeopardy! sure aren’t as they’re planning a “Super Tournament.” Super. Now I can continue to feel super-stupid on an even grander scale. Yay. Just remember…H & R Block, not FedEx.

Sacred Elvis water sells for $455 on eBay. Sucker. Patsy Cline “Crazy” straw not included.

Stacy said @ 5:04 pm
Filed in: Snark Bites | | Printer-Friendly Snark

I loathe people who try to screw me over. Don’t even bother trying…I’ll always figure out a way to win.

Allow me to tell you a couple of stories…

When I quit the job I was working at four years ago, the company’s Human Resource department tried to recoup the signing bonus it paid to me by sending me an invoice and demanding that I mail them a check immediately. I refused, which caused the Human Resource department to escalate my “situation” to the corporate Legal department, who also demanded I pay up.

When I notified the Human Resource department and the company’s Legal department that, according to my employment offer letter, if I resigned employment within the first 12 months, the company was authorized to withhold the amount of the signing bonus from my final paycheck, minus the minimum wages required be paid to me under state law…a couple of proverbial light bulbs must have gone off in their collective heads because the subject was never brought up again by anyone at my old employer.

My final check was only for one week, so obviously the company didn’t get all of it’s money back. I’m guessing after that fiasco (which lasted a couple of months as we bickered and faxed and emailed back and forth), the company changed the wording on future employment offer letters.

When the UberHusband and I broke our apartment lease back in 2001 to move into our UberHouse, we scoured our apartment lease to find out what, if anything, we’d be liable for. We would only be liable for the time between when we moved out and when someone new moved into our new apartment. When someone moved into our apartment 37 days later, we received an invoice from the property management company for 37 days’ worth of rent, with payment due within 30 days.

After several phone calls back and forth and exchanged faxes, during which we got the apartment complex to concede some of the ancillary “cleaning charges” and what-not apartments like to charge to make extra revenue (I lived in apartments for 12 years, I know their tricks), we noticed a line in our lease agreement that basically said we didn’t have to repay anything within 30 days. We had to pay it back during a time period mutually agreed upon by Lessor and Lessee. Well, the UberHusband crafted a letter that stated we would pay them $50 a month for the next 18 months. If the apartment complex was agreeable to that, let us know in writing and we’ll begin payment on the first of the upcoming month.

Never heard a thing from them again. Most companies (not all, but most) would rather just end the dispute rather than deal with me and the UberHusband. I’ll poke. I’ll prod. I’ll set up task reminders in Outlook to remind me to send you the daily email reminder about how you owe me money or I don’t owe you money. Methodology has it’s benefits.

I mention these two stories because there have been times in my life when I have eluded pain and misery by being nitpicky and interpreting legal contracts to the letter because hey, I am going to do what is legally required, even if that means that you…person trying to mess with me…will not come out ahead.

This time though, it was personal.

Back when I began blogging I talked about an e-publication called This is True. I’ve been a Premium This is True subscriber for a few years now and a couple of years ago, hooked my dad up with a subscription because he also enjoys the stupid foibles of others.

His subscription comes up for renewal in December (it was originally a birthday gift) and I decided to purchase a gift renewal for him earlier this month. I processed my order online, my credit card was charged $36 for two years and a couple of days later, my dad received his gift renewal notification which also stated that if he didn’t want the gift subscription, to reply back and I (the gift subscriber) would receive a refund.

Turns out Dad didn’t want another two years so he responded back with a “No, thanks.” A couple of days later I forwarded the copy of that confirmation email I received to Randy at This is True and asked when my refund would be processed. No response. I wrote another email about a week later again inquiring as to my refund. No answer. I sent a third email asking what the deal was…finally received an answer.

The response?

“I’ll refund it if you insist, but there is a clearly stated “no refunds” policy on Premium subscriptions, mainly because it costs me SEVERAL bucks to process such refunds.”

I came unglued…as unglued as you can come at one o’clock in the morning.

Here is the carefully crafted response emailed back to Randy this morning:

“If there are no refunds, then why in the world did the gift notification/confirmation email sent to my father specifically say that if the subscription was unwanted, to reply back that he didn’t want it and that you would then process a refund back to me?

If we want to get technical, your website says, “There are no refunds should you unsubscribe for any reason.” Well, I’m not unsubscribing anyone. My dad has opted not to renew his subscription, which is completely different. His subscription will simply end this month. He will not receive a single issue based on the new subscription. Had he cancelled three weeks into the renewal period then I can see not being eligible for a refund, but not before he even receives anything. If I were to unsubscribe from my Premium subscription today, then I would not expect to get a refund…I understand that; however, in this case, there is no unsubscription going on.

I didn’t know my father wouldn’t want another two years of This is True and frankly, am a little irritated that my credit card would be processed BEFORE getting a confirmation from the gift recipient, then I am told, “No Refunds” when he declines.

In the future, it might be a better idea to send out the gift notification to the recipient and once the gift recipient says “Yes, I want This is True“, THEN charge the gift-giver’s credit card. If this is an issue with the way gift subscriptions are processed, that needs to be corrected but I shouldn’t have to pay for it.

But yes, I want a refund, because that is what was stated in your email back at the beginning of December if my dad did not want to renew. The charges you will be incurring for that aren’t my problem.”

Needless to say, I will not be renewing my personal subscription when it comes up in July. I’m not above simply disputing the credit card charge but I much prefer to make people’s lives a little miserable and force them to just do what’s right.

Don’t screw with your reading public…especially me. I don’t have big connections, but I have a big mouth and have no problem exposing people or companies I believe exercise shifty business practices. Just ask anyone who knew me when I was trying to buy a Honda Civic EX Coupe back in ‘96 (like everyone else on the planet) and had to deal with the chauvinistic assholes at Shingle Springs Honda.

Proof that you know someone far too well:

I got the UberHusband this for Christmas.

He got me this for Christmas.

You think you’re being all clever and original…ha! : :

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas…we’re in the home stretch now to New Year’s!

Hold on to your panties, Gen X ladies…

LOS ANGELES (Zap2it.com) Television legend Scott Baio, who, remarkably, has never even been nominated for an Emmy, is ready to make his return to the small screen.

Probably hoping that “SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2″ won’t have to be his most recent credit for long, Baio is circling an untitled NBC comedy about a fourtysomething guy (yes, Scott Baio is 43), who moves in with a twentysomething friend and turns his life around.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Jace Richdale (”The Simpsons”) is on board to executive produce the pilot, which has been given a script commitment at NBC. Then again, a script commitment to Baio doesn’t mean much. His last series, the comedy “Rewind,” got a series order from FOX, but never aired.

Depending on your age, Baio is probably best known as Charles “Chachi” Arcola from “Happy Days” and its seminal spin-off “Joanie Loves Chachi” or as the Charles who was in charge in the comedy “Charles in Charge.” He was also Dr. Jack Stewart on several seasons of “Diagnosis Murder” and the title character in the 1976 classic “Bugsy Malone.”

Chachi…is 43? Charles In Charge…is 43? Let’s all just hope and pray he has cut his hair since his heyday.

Another one of my Christmas gifts from the UberHusband was the Namco II: Ms. Pac-Man with 5 TV Games “system.”

We hooked it up to the big screen television and voila…your childhood fantasy:

This thing is like crack…once I start playing, I can’t stop. My hands hurt. My wrists hurt. I am so not in the same Ms. Pac-Man fighting form I was when I was 11.

I’ve also discovered that Pole Position after half a bottle of wine is a hell of a lot more entertaining now than it was after a personal pizza and soda at Round Table Pizza at the Mt. Shasta Mall back in ‘da day.

Galaga? That game kicked my ass…then, as well as now.

This game has brought my marriage with the UberHusband to a whole different level. Remember wanting to just beat the crap out of that Knight Rider-loving dork in your science class, but you still strangely wanted him to ask you to “go with” him? Ha. Now I get the best of both worlds.

Letter lifted from a “feature” in our homeowners association’s monthly propaganda rag newsletter, received this morning.

Dear Snarky Santa,

I’ve been a good mom all year. I’ve fed, cleaned and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor’s office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my son’s boy scout uniform with staples and a glue gun.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son’s red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I’ll find any more free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I’d like a pair of legs that don’t ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don’t hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I’d also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you’re hauling big ticket items this year, I’d like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn’t broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, “Yes, Mommy” to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don’t fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, “Don’t eat in the living room” and, “Take your hands off your brother,” because my voice seems to be just out of my children’s hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it’s too late to find any of these products, I’d settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don’t mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten my holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.

It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don’t catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table but don’t eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Dear MartyrMommy,

Snarky Santa thinks the only reason she made it through this entire “letter” is because she needed to get her blood going this morning to get out to The Container Store for 50%-off wrapping paper.

Lady, you don’t need anything from Snarky Santa. You have complete control over your situation so don’t try to guilt Snarky Santa into your little hovel of misery. What you need is a good exercise regime, better eating habits and oh yeah, a backbone. As far as appreciation from your children for “all you’ve done”, sorry, that’s never been part of the parenting contract. If you didn’t know that going in, then Snarky Santa can’t help you with that, either.

You are so on your way way to either camping out in your front yard in Mommy Protest or cancelling Christmas. Do you not see that?

Don’t misunderstand Snarky Santa. She may be childfree, but she’s never been a parent-basher unless she reads things like your letter, which completely turned her stomach. She realizes this letter was probably written in jest, with the hope that all of the other moms just like you out there will frantically nod their heads in unified agreement, but these are the same women who like to discreetly tell Snarky Santa what she is missing out on by not having kids. No wonder you didn’t sign your real name.

News flash…you chose to have children. Snarky Santa is fully aware, at the age of 33, what parenthood would entail…both good and bad. But…she also has always been of the opinion that when you choose to do something, you take both the good and the bad and you don’t complain about the bad because, well, you chose to do it. Just because ten years down the road things aren’t the way you idealistically thought they would be, that doesn’t mean you get to ask for a bailout.

Sorry, no sympathy here. Snarky Santa will see if she has a spare backbone in her big red bag for you but (a) that was a popular item on Mom Lists this year and (b) if she can find one, you’re going to have to work for it.

All of the things you want Snarky Santa to provide in your letter are completely within your power. As soon as you realize that and take responsibility for yourself as a woman and a mother and quit asking non-entities for “help,” you may get the backbone. Until you can admit that you have complete control over the situation but you’re either too weak, too wussy or not assertive enough to exert that control, you will continue to get railroaded.

Radio playing adult music? Change the station.
Television showing non-children’s programming? Change the station.

Can’t brush your teeth and comb your hair in the same day? Nice. Did you use that same routine to snag your husband and get him to have sex with you to create your little prodigies? Snarky Santa thinks not. Get up half an hour earlier and show some respect for yourself! Believe it or not, kids don’t like sloppy moms.

And by the way, Snarky Santa’s mom sewed the patches onto her Girl Scout uniform. Staples and a glue gun? Are you kidding me?

Don’t tell Snarky Santa you were too busy because she bets a hundred bucks you’re a stay-at-home-mom. Her mom worked full-time and was able to do everything you did without whining to her local homeowners association’s propaganda rag.

Back in the snarky spirit,
Snarky Santa

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I’m sure you’ve all heard about the guy who is auctioning off his naughty kids’ Christmas presents on eBay.

How great is this? You and I and everyone else all understood the rules…if you’re a brat, your likelihood of getting anything good is greatly reduced…especially if your behavior deteriorates in the few weeks preceding Christmas.

Back in the day though, Santa would actually follow through. In this day of “kinder, gentler parenting” and being your kid’s friend instead of a parent though…come on, how many Naughty Listers ever actually go without these days?

What is truly hilarious though, is the perspective of the “social worker” the Houston Chronicle dug up:

Lane Coco, a Ph.D. social worker at Depelchin Children’s Center, suggested that the embattled parents may have stumbled into an “ultimatum situation” in which everyone loses.

“Perhaps they should have planned some kind of activity,” she said. “It sounds like the kids were bored with school being out. … Sometimes parents let things go by the wayside, they’re lax, then they really come down with something very harsh. It’s really not fair to the children, or to them. They usually feel pretty lousy about what they’ve had to do.”

Coco praised the family for its joint meetings, and suggested the parents might have asked the children for ways they could better get along.

“It sounds like the children are at a developmental stage where there is a lot of picking at one another and sibling rivalry,” she said. “Making the youngest one the odd man out - that’s not unusual at all.”

With the situation in its present state, Coco suggested another family meeting in which the parents could assure the kids of their love.

“Maybe he could salvage the presents, take them off eBay,” she said. “Get the kids to work with them, rather than fighting with one another. Try to form alliances with the children rather than coming off with this off-the-top-of-the-charts disciplinary thing.”

One solution might be to have each child choose one of his gifts to give to a homeless child.

“That takes the spotlight off how bad they are, and turns it into something more in line with Christmas,” Coco said.

Try to form an alliance with your children! Engage yourself in parenting by committee! Bend over and take it when your kids mouth off to you! Good plan, Dr. Cuckoo!

Our final Christmas Carol Mad Lib “interpretation” comes to us courtesy of Firebrand’s Desiderata!

These Mad Libs were so much fun and I thank everyone who participated. I met some great new people, found some fun new blogs to add to my daily reads and hope it also added a little extra cheer to your holiday season!

Merry Christmas Eve!

Christmas Carol Mad Libs
‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, Part 2

And so up to the faery the reindeer soon fluttered

With the sleighful of fireflies and Al Capone, too.
Down the chimney he came amidst friends and soot.
He was covered in french fries from his head to his foot.

He fished not at all,
But went straight to his work,
And filled all the filing cabinets,
Then flittered with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
But I heard him exclaim as he flashed out of sight,
“Fast Christmas to all, and to all a friendly night!”

Previously on…The Amazing Race…Jonathan picked a fight with Victoria’s backpack, Adam & Rebecca turned sausage-making into a middle school gigglefest and Don & Mary Jean said goodbye to the Philiminator and a chance at a million bucks.

Seven teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

This is Berlin, Germany and my-oh-my Phil, those are some tight white pants you’re wearing. Um…they don’t leave much to the imagination, do they? I’m mystified…and can’t take my eyes of his…um…pants.

Anyhoo…in the heart of it all, the Brandenburg Gate was the fifth pit stop in a race around the world. Eat, sleep, mingle with the other teams and in the case of Jonathan & Victoria, a stern talking-to by Dr. Laura, Phil and Jerry Bruckheimer, via closed circuit TV. I don’t know. I’m speculating on that.

Freddy & Kendra depart first at 2:55 a.m. and must go to the guard shack at Checkpoint Charlie, the infamous east/west border crossing at the old Berlin Wall. Kendra wants to go back to the hotel…”for research.” Research what?

Jonathan & Victoria depart second. She doesn’t like anyone screaming at her but, “That’s just Jon.” Whatever.

Teams must make their way to Olympic Stadium, home of the 1936 Olympic games, find a signup board near the front entrance and sign up for something that I’m sure will be loads of fun and another way for Rebecca to emasculate Adam.

Gus & Hera depart fifth and I’ve got to tell you, they’re my underdog favorites and I stand corrected on how I had so little faith in them.

Lori & Bolo are the last team to depart but it’s still dark outside so hey, anything is possible.

Jonathan and Victoria harass their taxicab driver and try to make the poor guy think he’s color blind. The light is clearly red, but Victoria seems to think it’s green, further proving my point that she’s all about the bling and cash money yo yo yo. Sorry. I also noticed that for the first 15 minutes of this episode, the audio and video seemed to cut away from Jonathan right before he said anything, giving us the veiled impression that he was keeping his mouth shut. Sorry Amazing Editors, you ain’t that good.

Rebecca wins this week’s Amazing Quote award for, “Is Checkpoint Charlie code for, like, Gestapo?” I’m shaking my head with this. I don’t know how to respond. Snarky is stumped…oh wait, no she’s not. Hey Rebecca…is dating Adam code for, like, insane amounts of stupidity?

Fredda & Kendra arrive first at Olympic Stadium, sign in and have 2 1/2 hours to kill. Kendra wants to do research. Good God woman…what exactly do you want to research? You don’t even know what you have to do. Methinks “research” is code for “take a nap.” Kendra puts her foot down when “Fred” (ha!) doesn’t want to do meaningless research. It’s always the Official Name when the girl is pissed. “I’m not going to stand for this!” Whatever. Clue-check for Kendra! D’oh! Sorry, none available.

Lori & Bolo reach Checkpoint Charlie and in that late-late-late Berlin streetlight illumniation, Bolo sort of looks like Bruce Willis.

Hayden and Aaron arrive at Checkpoint Olympic Stadium second and sign in. Jonathan Baker arrives third and signs in as…Jonathan Baker. Sorry pal, it’s not quite that easy to unload Victoria as your teammate. I just can’t get over him. Victoria points out his faux pas so he hurriedly scribbles out his last name and adds Victoria’s, which I’m surprised he didn’t misspell just out of spite. Then the two retire to the cozy ambience of their cab to fight some more.

Kris & Jon sign in fourth and head over to gossip with the other teams about Checkpoint Jonathan Baker. Meanwhile, over in the Love Bug, Jonathan wants to know when Victoria is going to carry her own weight.

Olympic Stadium opens. Bungee jumping, baby! Adam wants to go home. Roadblock. Phil’s still wearing those white pants. In this Roadblock, teams must perform what is called Hot Rocket Bungee which, according to the UberHusband, “Is kind of like playing spitball with rubber bands, only you’re the spitball.”

I can’t believe I do this alone every week. I really need to incorporate the UberHusband into this recap/review thing more often.

We noticed all the women were excited about the exhileration and I am mildly embarrassed because the thought of that challenge scared the bejeezers out of me.

Kendra goes first and when she Hot Rocket Bungees, she is launched straight up into the air. Wow. She’s dizzy and sick, baby. See? See Kendra? THAT is what I’m talking about! All of you other women are all excited while I’m over here debating the pros and cons.

Clue-rip. Teams must now fly to Budapest, Hungary and choose an unmarked pitiful excuse for a motorized mode of transport, which Phil further describes as, “highly unreliable.” If the car breaks down due to no fault of the teams, a replacement car may be provided. Um…no. The Amazing Producers aren’t getting off that easily. I want to know upfront exactly what does and does not constitute “no fault of the teams” and in what specific circumstances a replacement car may not be provided. Just to let you know, this is exactly how I handled the contract negotiation for my wedding. Iron-clad, I tell you.

Once jump-starting their jalopies, teams will drive 62 miles to a castle in Eger, Hungary, where they will find their next clue. Gah. Unreliable car. 62 miles. Ever driven 62 miles in an unreliable car? I have. ‘Tis not easy.

Hayden Hot Rockets, which I just realized sounds incredibly risque. Hey Jonathan? Your wife just got yanked up into the air at high speed. No more grief about not pulling her weight…m’kay?

Papa Gus looks on as Hera successfully bungee jumps. Adam watches Rebecca and I swear, his little potato hair spuds on his head are getting longer.

At the airport, we have the airport shuffle. There are limited seats on the Malev Express flight and fortunately, Hera remembers the location of a travel agent when they first arrived in Berlin, so she and Gus go there instead of the ticket counter like everyone else, and steal the last two tickets on the Malev Express flight out from under the angry nose of Jonathan Baker. Literally. Gus is so growing on me. He says, “We can’t necessarily be the fastest team on our feet, so we’ve gotta be observant.” I fully agree…especially if it means giving the shaft to Jonathan Baker.

Now, Jonathan Baker and spouse are stuck taking the Air Berlin flight, which leaves an hour later. Everyone is disappointed but accepts this twist of fate. Not Jonathan Baker. He starts pestering the ticket agent, who apparently saw last week’s episode because she nonchalantly says, “We are fully booked” after Jonathan yammers about a race and traveling around the world and blah blah Phil’s white pants blah blah if we don’t get on that plane, we lose. Wah. Then, he asks for an upgrade. Sheesh. Then…he accuses the ticket agent of being the reason they won’t win the race. Ha. You only wish it were that simple.

Lori & Bolo are the first team to leave, but the last team to arrive as they’re flying through Munich and everyone else has a direct flight.

Oh my. The world’s tiniest cars! Kris calls them “Herbies” which is so true although if they were Herbies, they’d be Volkswagens, which are notoriously reliable. What is this strange gear-shifty thing on the dashboard? I see directions but just know this would have been a trip the UberHusband would have driven. Seriously. Actually, seeing as the maximum height between us is 5′8″, we wouldn’t have had nearly the problems Freddy had with his height, Gus with his girth or Jonathan Baker with his gigantic ego fighting for space in the driver’s seat.

Through no fault of their own, Hayden & Aaron have a dead battery and are eligible for a replacement roller skate! Adam & Rebecca are having a power struggle, as Adam insists he can handle his gear shift…insert your own joke here. Rebecca as usual, is not as confident. Jonathan Baker tries to put Victoria into the trunk but is unsuccessful so they start off on their little drive. Jonathan is “really good at cars. I know where the clutch is.” Hey, me too!

Of course, teams get onto the freeway which must have been a sight to see for the locals. Hayden’s retarded with directions! Did you all know that? Kris & Jon and Gus & Hera enjoy the scenery.

Freddy & Kendra arrive at the Random Castle first. Detour. In this Detour we have Good Choice and Don’t Even Think About Picking This Choice. In Don’t Even Think About Picking This Choice, teams must launch a watermelon 150 feet off a traditional catapault and hit a marked wooden target. Ha. Whatever. In Good Choice, teams must push a cannon up a hill to the castle’s courtyard, then carry 55 4-lb. cannon balls to the same area and set them up in a pyramid.

Freddy & Kendra pick Good Choice, but Kendra is such a freaking baby. Did no one tell her she might have to exert herself? It wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t have that annoying little-girl whine as she’s demanding Freddy NOT SPEAK TO HER THAT WAY!!

Gus & Hera arrive second, went against my suggestion and picked Don’t Even Think About Picking This Choice because…Gus thought it would be more fun. More fun, perhaps…but quicker? Race, race, race!

Meanwhile, Jonathan Baker gets pulled over by the Hungarian police. Now, before anyone gets all excited and thinks this is going to be a scene out of Midnight Express or anything, calm down. He was pulled over for not having his lights on. Tell me something I don’t know, Officer. His lights have been off for a long time now. Somehow, he manages to suck up enough to get them to tell him how to get to Eger. Wha? “That was amazing. Amazing. The things I can do.” GAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Adam and his Live Strong bracelet are having car problems. He’s shifting his gear thingie back and forth like it’s the damn windshield wiper lever. Easy, buddy.

Freddy & Kendra carry their 55 balls successfully. Clue-rip. Teams must now go back into Budapest (thank God they didn’t have to drive those cars back) and locate the Net Klub Internet Cafe. They will receive their next clue using a wireless Intel Centrino® laptop to log onto America Online®. You’ve got mail!® Have any of you ever seen that episode of Crank Yankers when Special Ed calls America Online® and says “I’ve got mail” about a hundred times? Well, it’s pretty funny.

Gus & Hera realize marksmanship ain’t their bag and switch tasks. Team Potato Eyes’s car breaks down through total fault of their own, but some nice gentleman stops and performs what Rebecca validated as a voodoo spell on their Demon Hellcar and they’re off again.

Jonathan & Victoria pick Good Choice and get into some bickering about gender roles (”You be the man!” “No, you be the woman!”), then Jonathan Baker spouts at Gus on the way up the hill, “We had tickets to get on that plane and you took our seats! That was my flight you snagged!” Possession…nine-tenths of the law.

Poor Kris & Jon…locals are shouting Hungarian obsceneties at them and Jon is moving his car along Fred Flintstone-style. Then Jon just gets out and pushes. What’s great is their replacement car, instead of having a number on it, has a big question mark. Congratulations Kris & Jon, you have the mystery car!

Poor Gus and Hera. They’re just sitting there at the train station, minding their own business, when Jonathan Baker sidles up, shirtless no less {shudder} and starts in on them. He reiterates the now-tired story of how he and the V-Chip would be in first place if Gus and Hera hadn’t taken their tickets. (“Yeah, and if my aunt had balls, she’d be my uncle.” -UberHusband)

The UberHusband also pointed out to me that if he and I were ever go on The Amazing Race, I’d have to start wearing low-cut, form-fitting tank tops and/or v-neck tops because it seems as though that’s all women wear and the Amazing Cameramen are always going straight for the cleavage shots. I suppose he has a point.

Adam & Rebecca start out with I Can’t Believe You Picked This Choice then after one failed catapault, switch to Good Choice and for some asinine reason, decide to both pull the cannon up the hill rather than the smarter method of one in the front, one in the back. More Beavis & Butthead yells of “Push!” and “Pull!” and then a comment about dirty balls, then they’re on their way back to Budapest.

Meanwhile, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay at the back of the pack, Lori and Bolo are so totally in last place. And, their car’s motor is dead. Come on, you two…you’ve got big upper bodies…push the darn car! They get their replacement roller skate.

Net Klub Internet Cafe…Freddy & Kendra arrive first but discover it doesn’t open until 10 p.m. - three hours. Adam & Rebecca vocalize the two syllables I was hoping I’d never have to hear again during the run of this show…”Choo choo?” Gah. Isn’t that code for Gestapo?

Jonathan Baker et al depart the train in Budapest and Mr. Personality alienates the first cab driver whose cab he crawls into. “Gogogogogogogogogo!” He tells the guy how to drive, what to do, the guy basically tells him to relax (I assume) and then when Jonathan Baker does not, he pulls the car over and tells them to get out. “Finito.” Ha! Fantastic!

It’s pitch black outside when Lori & Bolo finally arrive at the castle. Everyone else by this point has already made it back to Budapest. They complete Good Choice but when they get to the train station, discover the next train to Budapest doesn’t leave until 7:23 the next morning. Oh no.

10 p.m. The Kitty Kat Klub Internet Kafe opens and everyone enters except for Lori & Bolo, who are outside, in the rain…waiting for the train…that lies mainly in the plain.

To be continued.

To be continued? Huh?

On the next episode of The Amazing Race…Rebecca laughs at Adam when he tries to make a move on her, Victoria cries in her bowl of goulash and Freddy gets the most airtime he’s had since the season began.

We’re getting ready to head out for our 4th Annual Fondue Christmas Eve Dinner, and I wanted to take this chance to wish all of you a Merry Christmas.

Have a wonderful day tomorrow…enjoy!