Previously on…The Amazing Race…Jonathan picked a fight with Victoria’s backpack, Adam & Rebecca turned sausage-making into a middle school gigglefest and Don & Mary Jean said goodbye to the Philiminator and a chance at a million bucks.

Seven teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

This is Berlin, Germany and my-oh-my Phil, those are some tight white pants you’re wearing. Um…they don’t leave much to the imagination, do they? I’m mystified…and can’t take my eyes of his…um…pants.

Anyhoo…in the heart of it all, the Brandenburg Gate was the fifth pit stop in a race around the world. Eat, sleep, mingle with the other teams and in the case of Jonathan & Victoria, a stern talking-to by Dr. Laura, Phil and Jerry Bruckheimer, via closed circuit TV. I don’t know. I’m speculating on that.

Freddy & Kendra depart first at 2:55 a.m. and must go to the guard shack at Checkpoint Charlie, the infamous east/west border crossing at the old Berlin Wall. Kendra wants to go back to the hotel…”for research.” Research what?

Jonathan & Victoria depart second. She doesn’t like anyone screaming at her but, “That’s just Jon.” Whatever.

Teams must make their way to Olympic Stadium, home of the 1936 Olympic games, find a signup board near the front entrance and sign up for something that I’m sure will be loads of fun and another way for Rebecca to emasculate Adam.

Gus & Hera depart fifth and I’ve got to tell you, they’re my underdog favorites and I stand corrected on how I had so little faith in them.

Lori & Bolo are the last team to depart but it’s still dark outside so hey, anything is possible.

Jonathan and Victoria harass their taxicab driver and try to make the poor guy think he’s color blind. The light is clearly red, but Victoria seems to think it’s green, further proving my point that she’s all about the bling and cash money yo yo yo. Sorry. I also noticed that for the first 15 minutes of this episode, the audio and video seemed to cut away from Jonathan right before he said anything, giving us the veiled impression that he was keeping his mouth shut. Sorry Amazing Editors, you ain’t that good.

Rebecca wins this week’s Amazing Quote award for, “Is Checkpoint Charlie code for, like, Gestapo?” I’m shaking my head with this. I don’t know how to respond. Snarky is stumped…oh wait, no she’s not. Hey Rebecca…is dating Adam code for, like, insane amounts of stupidity?

Fredda & Kendra arrive first at Olympic Stadium, sign in and have 2 1/2 hours to kill. Kendra wants to do research. Good God woman…what exactly do you want to research? You don’t even know what you have to do. Methinks “research” is code for “take a nap.” Kendra puts her foot down when “Fred” (ha!) doesn’t want to do meaningless research. It’s always the Official Name when the girl is pissed. “I’m not going to stand for this!” Whatever. Clue-check for Kendra! D’oh! Sorry, none available.

Lori & Bolo reach Checkpoint Charlie and in that late-late-late Berlin streetlight illumniation, Bolo sort of looks like Bruce Willis.

Hayden and Aaron arrive at Checkpoint Olympic Stadium second and sign in. Jonathan Baker arrives third and signs in as…Jonathan Baker. Sorry pal, it’s not quite that easy to unload Victoria as your teammate. I just can’t get over him. Victoria points out his faux pas so he hurriedly scribbles out his last name and adds Victoria’s, which I’m surprised he didn’t misspell just out of spite. Then the two retire to the cozy ambience of their cab to fight some more.

Kris & Jon sign in fourth and head over to gossip with the other teams about Checkpoint Jonathan Baker. Meanwhile, over in the Love Bug, Jonathan wants to know when Victoria is going to carry her own weight.

Olympic Stadium opens. Bungee jumping, baby! Adam wants to go home. Roadblock. Phil’s still wearing those white pants. In this Roadblock, teams must perform what is called Hot Rocket Bungee which, according to the UberHusband, “Is kind of like playing spitball with rubber bands, only you’re the spitball.”

I can’t believe I do this alone every week. I really need to incorporate the UberHusband into this recap/review thing more often.

We noticed all the women were excited about the exhileration and I am mildly embarrassed because the thought of that challenge scared the bejeezers out of me.

Kendra goes first and when she Hot Rocket Bungees, she is launched straight up into the air. Wow. She’s dizzy and sick, baby. See? See Kendra? THAT is what I’m talking about! All of you other women are all excited while I’m over here debating the pros and cons.

Clue-rip. Teams must now fly to Budapest, Hungary and choose an unmarked pitiful excuse for a motorized mode of transport, which Phil further describes as, “highly unreliable.” If the car breaks down due to no fault of the teams, a replacement car may be provided. Um…no. The Amazing Producers aren’t getting off that easily. I want to know upfront exactly what does and does not constitute “no fault of the teams” and in what specific circumstances a replacement car may not be provided. Just to let you know, this is exactly how I handled the contract negotiation for my wedding. Iron-clad, I tell you.

Once jump-starting their jalopies, teams will drive 62 miles to a castle in Eger, Hungary, where they will find their next clue. Gah. Unreliable car. 62 miles. Ever driven 62 miles in an unreliable car? I have. ‘Tis not easy.

Hayden Hot Rockets, which I just realized sounds incredibly risque. Hey Jonathan? Your wife just got yanked up into the air at high speed. No more grief about not pulling her weight…m’kay?

Papa Gus looks on as Hera successfully bungee jumps. Adam watches Rebecca and I swear, his little potato hair spuds on his head are getting longer.

At the airport, we have the airport shuffle. There are limited seats on the Malev Express flight and fortunately, Hera remembers the location of a travel agent when they first arrived in Berlin, so she and Gus go there instead of the ticket counter like everyone else, and steal the last two tickets on the Malev Express flight out from under the angry nose of Jonathan Baker. Literally. Gus is so growing on me. He says, “We can’t necessarily be the fastest team on our feet, so we’ve gotta be observant.” I fully agree…especially if it means giving the shaft to Jonathan Baker.

Now, Jonathan Baker and spouse are stuck taking the Air Berlin flight, which leaves an hour later. Everyone is disappointed but accepts this twist of fate. Not Jonathan Baker. He starts pestering the ticket agent, who apparently saw last week’s episode because she nonchalantly says, “We are fully booked” after Jonathan yammers about a race and traveling around the world and blah blah Phil’s white pants blah blah if we don’t get on that plane, we lose. Wah. Then, he asks for an upgrade. Sheesh. Then…he accuses the ticket agent of being the reason they won’t win the race. Ha. You only wish it were that simple.

Lori & Bolo are the first team to leave, but the last team to arrive as they’re flying through Munich and everyone else has a direct flight.

Oh my. The world’s tiniest cars! Kris calls them “Herbies” which is so true although if they were Herbies, they’d be Volkswagens, which are notoriously reliable. What is this strange gear-shifty thing on the dashboard? I see directions but just know this would have been a trip the UberHusband would have driven. Seriously. Actually, seeing as the maximum height between us is 5′8″, we wouldn’t have had nearly the problems Freddy had with his height, Gus with his girth or Jonathan Baker with his gigantic ego fighting for space in the driver’s seat.

Through no fault of their own, Hayden & Aaron have a dead battery and are eligible for a replacement roller skate! Adam & Rebecca are having a power struggle, as Adam insists he can handle his gear shift…insert your own joke here. Rebecca as usual, is not as confident. Jonathan Baker tries to put Victoria into the trunk but is unsuccessful so they start off on their little drive. Jonathan is “really good at cars. I know where the clutch is.” Hey, me too!

Of course, teams get onto the freeway which must have been a sight to see for the locals. Hayden’s retarded with directions! Did you all know that? Kris & Jon and Gus & Hera enjoy the scenery.

Freddy & Kendra arrive at the Random Castle first. Detour. In this Detour we have Good Choice and Don’t Even Think About Picking This Choice. In Don’t Even Think About Picking This Choice, teams must launch a watermelon 150 feet off a traditional catapault and hit a marked wooden target. Ha. Whatever. In Good Choice, teams must push a cannon up a hill to the castle’s courtyard, then carry 55 4-lb. cannon balls to the same area and set them up in a pyramid.

Freddy & Kendra pick Good Choice, but Kendra is such a freaking baby. Did no one tell her she might have to exert herself? It wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t have that annoying little-girl whine as she’s demanding Freddy NOT SPEAK TO HER THAT WAY!!

Gus & Hera arrive second, went against my suggestion and picked Don’t Even Think About Picking This Choice because…Gus thought it would be more fun. More fun, perhaps…but quicker? Race, race, race!

Meanwhile, Jonathan Baker gets pulled over by the Hungarian police. Now, before anyone gets all excited and thinks this is going to be a scene out of Midnight Express or anything, calm down. He was pulled over for not having his lights on. Tell me something I don’t know, Officer. His lights have been off for a long time now. Somehow, he manages to suck up enough to get them to tell him how to get to Eger. Wha? “That was amazing. Amazing. The things I can do.” GAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Adam and his Live Strong bracelet are having car problems. He’s shifting his gear thingie back and forth like it’s the damn windshield wiper lever. Easy, buddy.

Freddy & Kendra carry their 55 balls successfully. Clue-rip. Teams must now go back into Budapest (thank God they didn’t have to drive those cars back) and locate the Net Klub Internet Cafe. They will receive their next clue using a wireless Intel Centrino® laptop to log onto America Online®. You’ve got mail!® Have any of you ever seen that episode of Crank Yankers when Special Ed calls America Online® and says “I’ve got mail” about a hundred times? Well, it’s pretty funny.

Gus & Hera realize marksmanship ain’t their bag and switch tasks. Team Potato Eyes’s car breaks down through total fault of their own, but some nice gentleman stops and performs what Rebecca validated as a voodoo spell on their Demon Hellcar and they’re off again.

Jonathan & Victoria pick Good Choice and get into some bickering about gender roles (”You be the man!” “No, you be the woman!”), then Jonathan Baker spouts at Gus on the way up the hill, “We had tickets to get on that plane and you took our seats! That was my flight you snagged!” Possession…nine-tenths of the law.

Poor Kris & Jon…locals are shouting Hungarian obsceneties at them and Jon is moving his car along Fred Flintstone-style. Then Jon just gets out and pushes. What’s great is their replacement car, instead of having a number on it, has a big question mark. Congratulations Kris & Jon, you have the mystery car!

Poor Gus and Hera. They’re just sitting there at the train station, minding their own business, when Jonathan Baker sidles up, shirtless no less {shudder} and starts in on them. He reiterates the now-tired story of how he and the V-Chip would be in first place if Gus and Hera hadn’t taken their tickets. (“Yeah, and if my aunt had balls, she’d be my uncle.” -UberHusband)

The UberHusband also pointed out to me that if he and I were ever go on The Amazing Race, I’d have to start wearing low-cut, form-fitting tank tops and/or v-neck tops because it seems as though that’s all women wear and the Amazing Cameramen are always going straight for the cleavage shots. I suppose he has a point.

Adam & Rebecca start out with I Can’t Believe You Picked This Choice then after one failed catapault, switch to Good Choice and for some asinine reason, decide to both pull the cannon up the hill rather than the smarter method of one in the front, one in the back. More Beavis & Butthead yells of “Push!” and “Pull!” and then a comment about dirty balls, then they’re on their way back to Budapest.

Meanwhile, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay at the back of the pack, Lori and Bolo are so totally in last place. And, their car’s motor is dead. Come on, you two…you’ve got big upper bodies…push the darn car! They get their replacement roller skate.

Net Klub Internet Cafe…Freddy & Kendra arrive first but discover it doesn’t open until 10 p.m. - three hours. Adam & Rebecca vocalize the two syllables I was hoping I’d never have to hear again during the run of this show…”Choo choo?” Gah. Isn’t that code for Gestapo?

Jonathan Baker et al depart the train in Budapest and Mr. Personality alienates the first cab driver whose cab he crawls into. “Gogogogogogogogogo!” He tells the guy how to drive, what to do, the guy basically tells him to relax (I assume) and then when Jonathan Baker does not, he pulls the car over and tells them to get out. “Finito.” Ha! Fantastic!

It’s pitch black outside when Lori & Bolo finally arrive at the castle. Everyone else by this point has already made it back to Budapest. They complete Good Choice but when they get to the train station, discover the next train to Budapest doesn’t leave until 7:23 the next morning. Oh no.

10 p.m. The Kitty Kat Klub Internet Kafe opens and everyone enters except for Lori & Bolo, who are outside, in the rain…waiting for the train…that lies mainly in the plain.

To be continued.

To be continued? Huh?

On the next episode of The Amazing Race…Rebecca laughs at Adam when he tries to make a move on her, Victoria cries in her bowl of goulash and Freddy gets the most airtime he’s had since the season began.