Our wallpaper guy just managed to “bump” a shelf up rather high on our wall and knock everything off of it, which included:

*8 champagne flutes purchased for us as a wedding gift
*4 beer pilsners
*Champagne flutes from the Y2K New Year’s Party we attended
*The champagne flutes my mom gave us at our engagement party, engraved with our names and the date we got engaged
*Assorted cordial glasses
*Assorted dessert glassware
*2 Fat Tire beer glasses

Ironically…the Fat Tire glasses didn’t even chip. Go figure. Everything else…shattered…obliterated into ten trillion pieces that we’ll have to keep Poodle and Schnoozer paws away from.

You know, you’d think I’d be more upset. I mean, I am, but it was an accident and things happen. He’s breaking his back cleaning it up and said he’d pay to replace everything, but there is nothing like the sound of twenty or so pieces of stemware crashing to the floor from ten feet up.

For about five minutes I missed the days when I had an inflexible job that wouldn’t let me work at home, so the UberHusband would work from home and deal with this sort of household thing.

On a vengeful note, I am going to stick him with listening to Judging Amy reruns, as additional penance.

Last night’s DH was an encore performance…so this week we have a haiku of last night’s Hallmark Hall of Fame feature, The Magic of Ordinary Days. It was actually pretty good…slow…but a sweet story.

unwed mom, oh no
felicity is knocked up
sent away to farm

picked up by preacher
i do, no ring, married now
man she doesn’t know

good home, good man, wow

baby’s daddy ditched our girl
send letters each week

baby grows inside
affection stirs for hubby
meddling sister

random japanese
subplot unnecessary

pretty butterflies

hubby brings a ring
enters labor in snowstorm
love, ever after

Previously on The Amazing Race…Jonathan Baker and the V-Chip ended their disastrously embarrassing run across the continents by landing on the Mat of Judgment last and being given the boot by the Philiminator. What you didn’t see was all of Phil’s minions and production assistants high-fiving each other and doing Snoopy dances off-camera.

And…exhale.

Five teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

The location: Ethiopia.
The time: 1:16 p.m. Hayden & Aaron depart first and kick off this week’s home-game installment of The Amazing Race Jeopardy!

“Phil, I’ll take Ethiopian capitols for $200.”
“Very well. And the answer is…the capital of Ethiopia.”

Bolo: “What is Adidas Abbaba?”
Kris & Jon and Kendra & Freddy opt out of trying to answer.
Rebecca: What is Adeeeees Abbaba (Adam: Rebecca…it’s Yabba Dabba Doo).

General thoughts on the show because, despite watching it twice this week, I’m suffering Amazing Writer’s Block and can’t get out my standard recap/review/whatever. Sorry…I’ll try to get it back together for this Tuesday.

Two more weeks!

All I read anymore is how much ER sucks and it’s the worst show on television, blah blah blah…but it still hovers around the Top Ten each week so, why all the hatin’ going on? I still watch it…

I think ER’s great this season, but I could really, really, really do without the whole subplot with Neela having a crush on Luka. I understand the appeal and attraction of someone who is teaching you, protecting you, guiding you…and that whole authority and admiration thing but I prefer to think of Neela as asexual.

Although, I was mildly amused when she told Abby of an affair she’d had with a 3rd-year med school instructor who had a knack for doing something medicalitisthaticouldnotpronounceitis. “You still call him Doctor?” Abby asks. “Only in bed,” Neela quips back. Awww.

Abby confesses that the last time she had a case of “No pill’s gonna cure my ills” was with the Mysterious Motorcycle Man we saw her ride off with once last Spring. Bummer. She needs to hook up with her cute medical student but there’s that teacher/student thing getting in the way again. And, it’s pissing Sam off. And, Sam’s pissing me off. Lady, if you don’t trust your man, let him go.

And of course, we have the long-underdue return of County General’s Most Inept Medical Student Ever, Dr. George Henry. Chad Lowe just slipped effortlessly back into his role and…giggle…the guy’s a neurologist now! In order to proudly claim the private practice salary that is triple what he would have made at County General, he puts patients into clinical trials for drugs! The only problem is, the anti-seizure medication he put a young woman on awhile back has put her into kidney “donated by dad” failure…and…wait for it…wait for it…Dr. Death knew the drug might cause kidney failure.

He’s a dweeb, but it wasn’t intentional and Carter went all berzerko in front of Kerry and Susan and then there was some awkward scene where we played “Guess the drug’s side effects” and then Dad blew his brains out in front of Luka, Dr. Death and Carter because he couldn’t handle the guilt of his daughter being on dialysis forever and “ethically,” Carter couldn’t let the guy donate his remaining kidney. Problem solved.

So, the girl gets Dad’s remaining kidney, Susan & Carter mentally smooch and make up and it was terribly refreshing to go through an episode without having to listen to Pratt yap about a single thing.

The UberHusband and I went to lunch with Dell today, to BJ’s Brewhouse. Quit snickering.

You see, if you don’t regularly read her blog or if you do and you suffer from some sort of reading disorder, her birthday is this Sunday, so January was apparently declared All Minions Bow to Dell Month.

Anyhoo, we took her out…gave her gifts and were incredibly entertained by the wacky antics of our server, Mike. This guy was several pieces of flair short of a Tchotchkes frequent luncher card. He told us about the big…really big…did I mention big? menu and how he had eaten every item on it at one time or another.

At one point, his hand somehow grazed Dell’s breast. At another point it looked like he really wanted to touch her back…to connect with his patron…but he resisted. He wanted so badly to let Dell know that he understood her need for another diet Coke. Wisely, he held back. The UberHusband refrained from encouraging Mike’s overly eager usage of the term, “Buddy!” and some sort of aborted high-five over my head.

Good thing Mike and The Assistant Manager offered up a free pizookie for Ms. Dell in honor of her birthday. That smoothed things over.

Until…at the end of the meal, he dropped off our check, “for your convenience.” Wha? That even baffled the UberHusband. Who else’s convenience would it be for?

We had so much fun.

So last night it was Y’all Blog Happy Hour over at Blue Mesa Grill. I really did have a great time, contrary to what you might read elsewhere and no, I did not throw pitchers of margaritas up against the walls in fits of angry rage…that’s just…um…rumor.

Yeah, yeah…that’s the ticket.

I already knew Ali & Dell but hadn’t met Ty or Ali’s husband, and none of them had met the UberHusband. The bar was packed and the restaurant more crowded than any other time I’d been there (once, last May…for lunch…what’s your point?), with no less than three corporate parties going on. I use the vanilla term “going on” because they didn’t really seem like parties to us.

But anyway, we all had a great time…good stories, good people, good food, lousy service (the UberHusband had to yell “GREY GOOSE AND TONIC!” to our language-impaired server) but sadly, I did not get to witness the apparent piece de resistance of Blue Mesa Grill. I ordered it but it was disappointingly small.

It’s always so much fun to make new friends and to put faces to blog names. At one point I joked that we needed to wear name tags with our blog names since that’s how most of us know each other.

Good times.

Let’s start today off with a rant…all together now:

MCDONALD’S IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR KIDS BEING FAT.

Period.

I ate at McDonald’s as a child, we all did. Did we all get fat because of it? No. Considering the number of times I see the words “McDonald’s” and “fast food” in various blogs, I’m guessing it’s far more prevalent and socially acceptable in today’s “fast paced” I’m-so-busy-I-can’t-be-bothered-to-fix-a-good-meal society to just drive it through.

That’s fine…but understand that unbearable amounts of fat, sodium and other crapola are going into your mouth and the mouths of your kids. If your kids sit on their asses all the time and chat online with their friends or play video games, they’re not getting any exercise and they WILL GET FAT. The same logic holds true for us adults.

The lawsuit alleges that tens of thousands of children have suffered obesity, diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, elevated cholesterol and other health problems after being misled about McDonald’s products.

Misled? What rock have these people been living under for the last twenty years? I can tell you that Sonic’s cherry limeades and pretty much the rest of Sonic’s menu is single-handedly responsible for putting about twenty pounds on me before I stepped away from the staticky speaker, said, “No, I don’t want tots or fries with that” and took back my life.

You don’t see me suing Sonic because, well, that would just be stupid.

Poor Jen Schefft. First she gets dumped by wine hottie Andrew Firestone, then she has to schmooze with 25 men at a highly produced cocktail party and weed out the ones who are insanely obsessed with her.

Then…then she’s stuck on a one-on-one date with Febreze, the freshest gay man this side of an Axe deodorant commercial. They’re talking, he’s beeeeeeeeeeeeeing zee charming Fwench suitor and then…before you can say “Freedom Fries,” the guy shoves his tongue down her throat!

Sensing (I assumed, incorrectly) that he was on his way out after not being able to control his fresh self, he engages in girly talk about…giggle…boys…with Jen and who was there for the right reasons and who wasn’t. Whatever those are. I’m guessing that showing off your horrible makeout skills in the hopes of snagging a lucrative Hollywood movie deal falls under the “There For the Wrong Reasons” column in love’s t-chart.

Assuming (risking incorrectness, again) someone watches this show besides me and Dell, did anyone else’s jaw drop when she actually picked Pepe Le Pew (I had no idea last week’s reference to The Stinky One would prove so ominous for this week’s episode) to go to the next round? I didn’t think my jaw could drop any further, but drop it did when he proceeded to get pissy because he was picked last. Boo freaking hoo.

Still love Wendell…especially his mocking impression of Febreze during the closing credits.

The irony of airing SuperNanny right after The Jen Schefft Bachelorette Experience isn’t lost on me, either.

Even Vern couldn’t fix this train wreck in a weekend with only $1,000. Paige Davis is fired from TLC’s Trading Spaces…or, she “is leaving the show.” Depends on which article you read and which philanthropic event attendee you ask.

Mark your calendars for the Academy Awards telecast on February 27. Expect an Annette Bening/Hilary Swank smackdown involving pizza and Chad Lowe. Virginia Madsen will bring the wine. Natalie Portman will be on hand to break up all the happy marriages.

Greed? Not so good. Michael Douglas has officially lost his mind.

And again, no one seems to be offended by Moe’s backside: The FCC denies 36 indecency complaints including…The Simpsons!

A complaint over “The Simpsons,” which airs on Fox, included a scene from a November 2003 episode in which students carried picket signs with the phrases “What would Jesus glue?” and “Don’t cut off my pianissimo.”

President Bush is nominated for a Razzie for Worst Actor in Fahrenheit 9/11! No one even noticed that Ben Affleck was nominated for two different movies. Uh huh. His little plan appears to be working.

I’ve talked about FlyLady, Ali’s talked about FlyLady…I’ve decided that I need to start sending emails out to women who are sick of following the FlyLady’s recommendations on how to have an organized life.

For example, at 6:00 a.m. you might get an email from me that says, “Rise and…don’t shine! Test out how many times you can hit the snooze bar on your alarm clock before it just quits coming back on.”

9:07 a.m. - “Ignore the buzzer on the dryer. Watch two hours of ER on TNT instead!”

12:12 p.m. - “Call husband at work. Ask him to bring home takeout for dinner.”

3:01 p.m. - “It’s cocktail hour! Pour a stiff one and mock Dr. Phil’s guests for an hour. You won’t believe how alive and refreshed you’ll feel!”

5:33 p.m. - “For their science project (or art project), have the kids arrange the 21 pairs of shoes next to the front door according to ISO 9000 standards.”

9:43 p.m. - “Gaze at the mysterious puddle on the kitchen floor. Arrange plastic cups in a circle around the puddle so no one steps in it. Now, off to beddy-bye you go so you’ll be RESTED and READY to begin your new day tomorrow!”

Hmm. I may have hit on something here.

lawn boy, full time job
marry me missus solis
john a toy, goodbye

creepy drug guy george
watch out rex, he will switch pills
like mister solis

kids, young and in love
zach did not kill baby girl
scared susan with rage

like father, like son
big gay matt has a secret
lynette no wiser

golf clubs, plates, timeshare
isn’t divorce fun? says rex
level playing field

john’s dad, played by rules
never had a hottie chick
he’s just middle aged

The 2-hour season finale of The Amazing Race is scheduled for Tuesday, February 8. The UberHusband and I are flying to Hawaii that day. We land at 4:30 p.m. local time. The show will start at 8:00 p.m. out there which will be…midnight Dallas time.

This isn’t the first time the Amazing Powers That Be have tried to mess with my mind and mock both me and my vacation plans.

No TiVo and no DVR at our hotel…crap. We’re recording it here at home, but we won’t be back to see it until the 18th and I absolutely REFUSE to go that long without watching it. Guess we’ll just have to figure out a way to stay up although historically, we’re out like lights at about 8 p.m. our first night out there. This will definitely be a goal for us.

Did that sound as desperate and pathetic to you as it did to me?

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Dear Snarky,

I am 18 years old, in my first year of college. Before I explain my dilemma, I admit I’m an only child and unaccustomed to having a roommate and everything that comes with it. I have known the girl I am rooming with for quite a while but have never been particularly close to her. Since we’ve gotten to school, I’ve learned a lot about her: mainly that she likes to use anything and everything that belongs to me. She uses my $120 hair goop daily, my hair dryer, dishes, silverware, calculator, etc.

I’m not stingy; if she asks, I usually don’t mind letting her borrow my things. It’s when she uses them without asking or telling me, however, that I become upset. She also uses things that have to be replaced often, such as toothpaste and deodorant. It seems that she doesn’t buy these things because she knows I have them.

Another issue that has recently come up is food. I came back from a visit home to find that she’d eaten my last frozen pizza, half of a bag of pepperoni, my last tortilla, and she had drunk my chocolate milk. I’ve never mentioned any of this because we get along really well and I don’t want to cause any awkwardness. I just wanted to hear your view and see if you had any suggestions.

—No Longer an “Only”

Dear No Longer an Only,

Wait a minute. You have $120 hair goop? Snarky’s hair goop doesn’t cost that much. Surely if you can afford that, you can afford to feed your roommate and provide her with toiletries.

Anyhoo…Snarky was in your position back in college. She too is an only child and went through the shock of having a roomie her freshman year and boy, oh boy, was her roomie a doozy. She was a Southern California princess with a fake ID, a $600-a-month allowance, a brand spanking-new VW Cabriolet and a serious drinking habit. She moved out at the end of the first quarter because…get this…she told her parents Snarky partied too much and wouldn’t let her do her homework. Ha. Yeah, they bought it but that’s okay because then Snarky got the world’s greatest dorm roomie after that.

Snarky finds it so ironic that people claim to “get along really well” with people, then turn around and ask for advice from a stranger on how to get along really well with someone. You’re A-OK with her taking advantage of you, but not okay with sticking up for yourself?

Welcome to college.

Have you…and Snarky knows this is stretching here…asked her why she uses all of your stuff? If you ask it in a non-threatening way (i.e., no twangy intonations in your voice, no ghetto finger waving and absolutely no lip curling), she’ll probably be honest with you. Maybe she doesn’t have enough money to buy these things. Maybe she’s a klepto whose cave-dwelling parents made her brush her teeth with baking soda.

Maybe…maybe she’s jealous that you have $120 hair goop. It drove me nuts that Perfect Pretty Princess was able to buy Clinique makeup and had Paul Mitchell shampoo and Snarky was stuck with Maybelline and Salon Selectives. Yeah, Snarky used her shampoo a couple of times but she didn’t empty the bottle or anything.

The thing about college is that you have to learn how to get along with people…and how to communicate. You have to learn how to stick up for yourself and protect yourself. You have to learn the fine art of compromise and compassion.

Worse comes to worse, buy a locking file cabinet and put all your stuff in it. She can’t use what she can’t get to. That’s the passive-aggressive route though, and doesn’t really solve anything except it furthers your fear of confrontation and creates an atmosphere of animosity which, is pretty much where you are now so that would be a wash.

Ask your roommate…talk to her. If you get along really well, it really shouldn’t be a problem. After you’ve hashed everything out, hug, go find a kegger, get drunk and hook up with a couple of cute guys. Just don’t let them near your food or deodorant.

So Glad She’s Not 18 Anymore,
Snarky

She was yelling something about an apple, a tree and…something about not falling far, I believe. OJ Simpson’s 19-year-old daughter Sydney was arrested and charged with resisting arrest. Daddy must be so proud.

Midwest Airlines is now giving your pets frequent flier miles! You know, I’m okay with this as long as my dogs don’t ever get automatically upgraded to First Class, while I sit back in Coach like a schmuck. And please, no headphones for the in-flight entertainment…they can only understand about a hundred words anyway.

Survivor’s Richard Hatch is a sneaky, conniving weasel who will do anything to further his own selfish, arrogant agenda! No, really!

Toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, toniiiiiiiiiiiiight, I’ll fire you, yes, toniiiiiiiiiiiiiight: Get ready for The Apprentice: The Musical. I laughed, I cried. It was better than Cats. Not really. But…how great would it be to see a one-man performance of The Apprentice: The Musical, done with characters from The Simpsons? Mr. Burns as The Donald. Mrs. Krabapple as Carolyn…Comic Book Guy as George…Sideshow Bob (or perhaps, Justin Guarini as Sideshow Bob) as Stacie J. and of course, Lisa as Omarosa.

American Idol kicked off it’s latest season this week. Please, I know that in the aftermath of 9/11 it’s hip and cool to be patriotic but please…please…no more screechy Super Bowl-sized renditions of “God Bless America” or “The Star Spangled Banner”. That’s kind of like burning the flag. Thanks. Stick to vanilla been-there-heard-that songs like, “You Are the Sunshine of My Life,” anything by Whitney Houston and the entire Peabo Bryson catalog. Thanks so much.

Deep, Cleansing Breath. Have I mentioned Jonathan Baker and the V-Chip were eliminated from The Amazing Race on Tuesday? I have? Twice? Okay. You can’t tell me though, that it doesn’t feel good to read that over and over and over. Like a homemade soup, it’s even better after a couple of days.

Survivor All-Stars winner Amber Brkich and her manservant, Boston Rob, will team up for the next season of The Amazing Race, premiering March 1.

I don’t know, but this just seems like a shark jump. Take your money and go play someplace tropical. Let someone else win a million bucks.

Absoposifrickenlutely, despite the fact that I was wearing lingerie that pinched in unfortunate places.

And…I was sick to my stomach.

And…I had 156 hairpins in my hair.

And…it was 35 degrees outside.

But all of that was really inconsequential…I was getting married.

Happy Snarkiversary to my wonderful UberHusband…smooch smooch! If I had to do it all over again, I’d wear the pinchy lingerie and the hair pins…but I’d pass on the nausea and the cold weather.

Musings on last night’s episode of Lost:

1. I love Locke because, even if people are total jerks and jackasses to him, he doesn’t hold a grudge. He knows their anger really has nothing to do with him and instead of getting petty and indignant right back, he takes the moral high road and does what’s right.

Case in point: After Michael threatens Locke with bodily harm and death if he gets near Walt again, when Walt disappears it’s Locke who says, “Let’s go find your boy.” Then…Locke lets Michael play Alpha Male so he can rescue Walt. Good stuff.

2. I know kids sleep soundly, but you can’t tell me that in the real world, Walt wouldn’t have woken up, pointed at Sun and said, “Hey, the Korean lady speaks English!”

3. Jack needs to quit philosophizing and get back to doctoring. He’s better at that.

4. What Michael did…tossing Walt’s comic book into the fire…that was downright cruel. I don’t care if you gave your kid a truckful of hand-drawn masterpieces, you destroyed something that was important to him, which is no different than what your skanky ho ex did by keeping your son away from you for nine years. So there.

5. Although I can understand Boone’s surliness towards Shannon and his attempts to cut the proverbial strings with her, why has he all of a sudden turned into BwanaBoone (or MiniLocke, take your pick) with that Lord of the Flies look I’ve been waiting for, but never suspected from him?

6. Claire pops her pretty little blonde head in at the very end but, of course, we can’t tell if she’s still pregnant or not (well, I couldn’t…I was looking at her mucked-up face, not the rest of her body).

7. Next week is a repeat because, of course, we can’t hear about Claire’s Excellent Adventure until February sweeps have officially begun.

It took less time to swear in Vice President Cheney and President Bush than it did to declare the UberHusband and me UberHusband and SnarkWife.

No term limits for us, though.

I’m not going to even bother recapping/reviewing last night’s episode of The Amazing Race because honestly, only one item of note is worth mentioning.

For me, anyway.

Jonathan Baker and the V-Chip were the last teams to arrive on the Mat of Judgment. Non-elimination leg. They were both eliminated from the race.

Really? {shocked expression on my face} But…this can’t be. I’ve been dreaming of this moment for weeks now and am unsure how to react.

Ha. Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Can’t wait to see them on The Early Show today.

Here’s the Unofficial Transcript from this morning’s interview with Jonathan Baker and the V-Chip on The Early Show and no, Harry Smith isn’t trying to choke the V-Chip, but it’s amazing how an innocent camera shot can look so incriminating.

Wild About Harry: Victoria Fuller, Jonathan Baker are with us this morning. Good morning!
V-Chip: Hello, good morning!
Jonathan Baker: Hello.
Wild About Harry: First off…{V-Chip giggles}…you watch this show every week, you watch yourself on television. Do you have any way you can explain your behavior {gesturing to Jonathan Baker} because, as we’ve watched this unfold week after week, appalled? Aghast? I mean, my goodness!

V-Chip: Hahahahahahaha.
Jonathan Baker: I’m not happy with what I see on the screen, and I’m not happy with that person. I think I’m a better person than that. I just, you know, I’m a very competitive person and, you know, I’ve apologized to Victoria in private and I see that person up there and I…I really don’t know who that person is. Obviously, there is a component in me that does exist and I had taken a deep look into myself and that person that’s up there and I’ve really tried to make some adjustments so that person never comes out again. (Lobotomy? -Ed.)

Wild About Harry: Victoria…did you ever see this side of him before this race?
V-Chip: Ummmmmmmmm…Jon’s pretty intense, but that intensity that I saw, I mean, when we got to Iceland I was like, omigod, what did I get myself into? He was soooo intense, so competitive and so serious and I think that was our biggest problem is we became so serious about winning that it kind of took over us being, you know, having fun on the race and, I mean, we did have fun on the race but I mean, we just got way too serious. We took ourselves way too serious.

Wild About Harry: It was excruciating to watch. We showed the clip at 7:30 of, uh, running up to the Brandenburg Gate, that’s when you threw your backpack down, Victoria picks up the other backpack and is laboring…is laboring…and you turn around and you shove her {incredulous look on Harry’s face as he makes a shoving motion with his hands}.
V-Chip: Honey…? {turning to Jonathan Baker}

Jonathan Baker: You know, I don’t have any excuses. It was wrong, and I should never have done what I did.
Wild About Harry: Yeah.
Jonathan Baker: Um…ya, you, you know, we both agreed that we were gonna drop the bag at that point, when Victoria picked it up I had no idea that she had picked it up and I was so upset that, uh, she had picked it up and it was just, I was so competitive…so competitive.

Wild About Harry: Uh huh.
Jonathan Baker: It’s like a boxer getting into a ring. I turned off all compassion to everything. You know, I wanted to get to the mat, I wanted to win the million dollars, and you know, I regret every moment {grunting noise from Harry} , you know, what went in, being the villain, {stammering}…and I, I, I…actually went in to do that. It just got away from me.

Wild About Harry: Uh huh. Uh huh. Because…even last night…you’re there in Ethiopia, you’re trying to put mud on the side of the house {Harry makes “put mud on the side of the house” hand gestures}, what happened there? You put your hand in the mud and you cut your hand on something?
V-Chip: No, even Freddy cut himself the same way. There were nails coming out of that, uh, thing and I just, I pierced my finger and I cut it and it was so deep and I was so just in a panic about it because I was in so much pain and at that time, I was pretty broken because we hadn’t slept, eaten…I had to go to the bathroom, there was no water and I was just really, really, really exhausted. I could tell that we were, you know, we were down to the last…it was between Freddy and Kendra and I for the last people at that task and I was just so, like, I was really out of my tree at that point, (Tree? -Ed.) you know, just trying to get through…

Jonathan Baker, interrupting the V-Chip: We are fans of the race, I mean, true, deep-hearted fans of the race and it just…the spirit just got away from us because…
Wild About Harry, interrupting Jonathan Baker: Jonathan, here…the person you love most in the world is clearly in pain…and you can’t even, you know, open the door of your heart to say, “I care about you more than the outcome of this race.”

V-Chip: But, in his defense, what they didn’t show is me going, “No, just keep going, just keep going,” because when Kendra was like, “Oh you gotta help her, you gotta help her” and then I calmed down and was like, okay, I gotta compose myself here, I gotta get through this.
Jonathan Baker: She was telling me to go on the way!
V-Chip: I was like, come on, keep going, just keep going…don’t stop, so in his defense, I did tell him to keep going.

Wild About Harry: As you watch this unfold and then subsequently, watch these episodes, what have the conversations been like at home between the two of you?
V-Chip: First I called him a mean, nasty bastard Well, we kind of rehash a lot of what’s going on, like oh you did this or, you did that or naturally, we’re like, we try to go over our follies of where we went wrong and you know, the banter back and forth of what, how, you know…we both have two different stories on what we feel happened, even now.
Wild About Harry: Is there peace in your relationship now?

V-Chip: Oh yeah…yes. You know, I mean, It’s a race, we’ve been together eight years, we really love each other. It’s definitely brought us closer and we’ve learned a lot about ourselves, even as a couple. You know, you see yourself as how you don’t want to be and that’s an incredible learning experience for anybody, to see themselves in the worst light possible.
Jonathan Baker: And…and…and…we both, including myself, we both want to be better people. We want to be a better couple and go out there and you know, really work on that…that…that…that’s the message out there.

V-Chip: Believe it or not, there were many moments when we had a good time.
Jonathan Baker: And they didn’t show it…{abrupt cut to commercial}

Post-game review by the UberHusband:

So, what you’re telling me is that your eedy-beedy wittle bwain was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo set on the end goal that you couldn’t, even with the help of every team at each pitstop, understand that you were bordering on psychotic and pathological wife abuse everyday. Your superior self esteem never stepped in and helped you determine that winning the game wasn’t quite as important as your drive to make sure everyone knows how competitive you are.

That’s nice, and I’m sure everyone will be knocking your door down to provide motivational speaking engagements. You can also have a long career as the “before” picture in anger management seminars.

I know I mentioned it over at Y’All Blog, but I don’t think I talked about having tickets to see MacHomer over here.

The UberHusband and I went to the Eisemann Center last Friday night, along with a few hundred other folks and the show was heeeeeeeeeelarious! No joke! The performance was funny too. Badda bing! I’m always sort of surprised at the number of people who show up to a theater presentation in sweats or looking like they just crawled out of bed; an Anti-Red Carpet Show, if you will.

Anyhoo…the performance itself was incredible. Short, but incredible. One man doing over two dozen voices from The Simpsons. Some were dead on…like Marge and Mr. Burns and Barney…but others were way off base, like Troy McClure and Bart and Lisa and…Milhouse.

If MacHomer toddles through your neck of the woods…it’s money well spent. If you want to laugh, go. Bring your friends.

I want to know…in all seriousness…who here would be offended by a cartoon ass? Especially on The Family Guy, of all shows?

“We have to be checking and second-guessing ourselves now,” Fox entertainment president Gail Berman said Monday. “We have to protect our affiliates.”

Fox hadn’t gotten any complaints about the cartoon. But the move follows the FCC’s decision in October to fine 169 Fox stations $7,000 each for airing an episode of “Married By America” that showed people licking whipped cream from strippers’ bodies and a man in his underwear being spanked by strippers.

If this is the case, then no more baby commercials. Can you imagine the backlash? But…babies are adorable! Be that as it may, if I can’t see a cartoon butt on television (people…it’s animated…it’s…not…real!), it seems only prudent to curtail the viewing of nubbins that will become nipples in twelve years. And…no more naked little baby butts running across a freshly mom-cleaned floor. Unless of course, the butts are pixilated.

And…let’s talk about out canine and feline companions. If your pet doesn’t have a full body of fur, get him/her a coat so we don’t have to look at his/her obscene nakedness. And please, get a jock for your boy pets so it just isn’t all hanging out there for everyone to see.

Don’t even get me started on all of the obscene Barbie dolls out in the world, just waiting to latch on to our children and make them SEX OBSESSED!!!!!!!

Obscene…obscene, I tell you!

Now that I’m hooked on The Jen Schefft Bachelorette Experience, I can cackle that Wendell made it through to the third round, as did Febreze, who did his little Pepe Le Pew dance as he floated up to receive his rose from the Jenster.

Yes, I’ve read the speculation that Febreze is a gay Parisian who’s trying to launch a career in the states. But honestly, who isn’t anymore?

She also unloaded the Token Non-White Guy last night and Psycho Stalker Stu in the second round, which I believe is a first for the Bachelor(ette) franchise…getting rid of the guaranteed drama king so early on.

I gotta tell you…the one thing that I like about this season is that Jen (or the producers) are being very upfront with us. She’s not talking about any amazing connections or soul mates or any of that other puppies-and-rainbows dating propaganda we usually hear. Instead, she’s being honest about how a lot of the guys are just too damn forward and how they’re expressing feelings you shouldn’t be expressing after only a few days. No kidding.

You can just hear these guys’ biological clocks ticking, which isn’t normal. I asked the UberHusband why all the guys were sitting around, knocking back Corona beers and talking about their feelings and who should get a rose. “Because the producers probably told them to,” was his response. “They’ve been chickified,” he continued.

I predict Wendell will be the Last Bachelor Standing. I read the spoilers, but I tagged the W-Man last week, too.

As a postscript to my earlier rant about animated nudity and indecency and insanity, I give you this exchange from this past Sunday’s all-new episode of The Simpsons:

Homer et al are attending a company function at the Springfield Air and Space Museum. Moe is tending bar at the party.

Homer: Nice tux, Moe.
Moe: Yeah, thanks. I bought this for my funeral. It ain’t got no back, so, don’t make me turn around.

Homer peers behind Moe and…

(more…)

Considering I only watched last night’s Golden Globe Awards during commercial breaks for other shows, I sure did form some opinions:

1. Mariska Hargitay wins for Best Supporting Actress when basically she and Stabler (a man) run the Special Victims Unit, and Teri Hatcher wins for Best Actress although she is but a part of an ensemble that includes 3 other women (4 if you count Nicollette). What’s up with that? Don’t get me wrong…love Teri…loved her dress last night, loved her hair…but Mariska got robbed…again. But wait…this is what I get for flipping back and forth…although the caption said Best Supporting Actress on the replay I saw, I guess she won for Best Actress. Sweet! Cha-freaking-ching!

2. There was something very…synergistic…about watching Susan change a flat tire on Desperate Housewives last night (“I don’t think I’ve ever found Teri Hatcher sexier than I do right now.” -the UberHusband) while sucking up to Edie, then flipping over to NBC and watching her win a Golden Globe.

3. Aging actresses need to get over themselves. For some reason they all like to talk about each other now and how wonderful it is to be an aging actress and to get all sorts of roles of substance. Glenn Close is chumming it up with Meryl Streep during her award speech, just as they all did during the Emmy awards. This bothers me. Glenn…you were hot in Fatal Attraction but now you’re playing Eleanor of Aquitaine. Let it go.

4. Nicole Kidman…does PETA know that you kidnapped a peacock and glued it to your dress?

5. Jason Bateman…Best Actor in a comedy. Betcha all didn’t think he had it in him way back when on Little House On the Prairie, did you?

6. I really need to go see Closer. And Sideways. And The Aviator. And Million Dollar Baby.

7. If we could get sponsors to rally together to pay Star Jones to never speak in public again, I’d support that.

8. Martin Scorcese is really, really…short.

actress golden globe
teri sparkles in blue dress
good start to the year

gun toting mom bree
romantic date at the range
kiss, shot, ow, my toe!

mary alice, mike?
not fast enough, dad will die
vested interest

need yoga class!
make a wish for day care slot
new low for lynette

carlos on a leash
burnt outside, steamy inside
daddy baby lust

missus huber writes
everyone’s mundane tales
suck up to edie

peaceful, final rest
edie, i burned down your house
hose death off susan

This weekend was movie weekend. This morning, the UberHusband and I went out and saw a great movie and last night we watched two good movies on DVD, enjoyed a yummy dinner and topped it off with bananas foster since today…today I get back on the low-carb bandwagon because, well, I have three 2-piece swimsuits that I need to look good in when we go to Hawaii in 24 days. But, that’s not the point…

We’ll go in chronological order…first up was Little Black Book late yesterday afternoon with Brittany Murphy and Academy Awards® Winner Holly Hunter. Cute movie, although midway through I started to loathe Ms. Murphy’s Stacy as much as I did Julia Roberts’s Julianne in My Best Friend’s Wedding. Some women think they have the right…nay, the obligation to themselves to do things they know deep down inside aren’t right…but they do them anyway and invite us along for the $7.00 ride. Average movie…most guys will hate it and probably most women too because ultimately, Stacy deserves everything she gets and could have avoided a lot of pain but…anyway…I can think of worse ways to spend ninety minutes.

After that, we finally watched Garden State, which has been the film industry’s darling for awhile but we just…as usual…never got around to seeing it. The only thing that really stood out at me was the fact that I kept trying to compare it to other movies. I thought it had elements of Memento, Punch Drunk Love, Say Anything, Reality Bites, Gross Pointe Blank and even a little of Clerks. I swear the UberHusband was asleep at the end, but he said he wasn’t. I almost was…it was a good movie, I think…and I love Zach Braff but maybe I just don’t identify with that mid-20s angst thing anymore and how damn…dramatic it all was. But, on an upside, Natalie Portman absolutely sparkled…but she’s just like that.

Today…today we went and saw In Good Company, with Dennis Quaid, Topher Grace and The Chick From Lost in Translation, Scar-Jo as I like to call her. It was smart, funny, clever…but isn’t for people under the age of oh, 16 so leave the little ones at home. They’ll get bored. Guaranteed. I’ll put it to you this way, Topher was better in this movie than he was on Saturday Night Live last night, so don’t let his horrific trucker interpretation scare you off. The movie’s by the same guy who brought you About a Boy so expect lots of witty dialogue, pensive introspection and awkward contemplation. And, I mean that in a good way.

Dear Snarky,

My husband and I went to a dinner party with a few of my husband’s friends and their wives. Somehow the topic of one couple’s active sex life came up again. It always seems to pop up during these get-togethers. As if that isn’t annoying enough, a joke about my being inaccessible was thrown in. Does that mean there are stories told by my husband about me being a prude? It upsets me to think that others might not think we have a healthy relationship, and it’s even more upsetting to think my husband might agree. I have asked my husband in the past, and I get the “everything’s great” type of answer. I don’t want to wake up some day to a note saying that it wasn’t.

Prudish, Do You Think?

Dear Prudish, No I Don’t Think,

Did you all drop keys into a bowl on your way into this dinner party? If the answer is, “No, don’t you people have anything else to talk about? Prince Harry dressed up as a Nazi for a party! Talk about that for awhile.

Snarky thinks that you’re asking your husband the wrong question. Instead of asking him if he thinks you’re icy in the bedroom, ask him if he has been sharing the intimate details of your sex life with your social circle. That’s an easy yes/no question and if he is lacking brainpower and says no, then you can probe further by bringing up his male friend’s comment. Then, let the conversation degenerate into a he said/she said power struggle where you yell at him that he’s disrespecting you and he tells you to loosen up in the sack.

No, wait…that’s not right.

Snarky’s guessing here, but thinks that your husband has been engaging in locker room-type banter with his buddies, who lack discretion and are very uncouth. Men of character don’t blurt out comments about their friend’s wife’s “inaccessibility” and honestly, Snarky feels sorry for the wives of these men sans character. Snarky also thinks such immature talk about intimate relations should have gone out of fashion in high school but not knowing how old you are, this might be a stretch.

Personally, Snarky thinks that what happens in the bedroom should stay there and fortunately for her, the UberHusband agrees. To be frank, it doesn’t matter what your social circle thinks of your sex life but it does matter if your husband can’t keep his yap shut about it. Ask him why he’s sharing so much of your marriage with his friends. Usually when men are having dick-measuring contests, they talk about how great and amazing their sex lives are, not how “inaccessible” their wives are. Snarky still doesn’t get what that means…do you flip that fourth lock when he comes near you at night? Besides, if your wife isn’t meeting your expectations, husbands…it may have more to do with you than her. Snarky’s just saying.

Short story long…be upfront with your husband and ask him why he’s sharing all of this information, regardless of validity. Explain to him that it hurts your feelings and that you prefer your private life to remain private. If he refuses to curtail his conversation, then Snarky’s afraid you have bigger problems because your husband might be more interested in keeping his friends happy than you. Again, just saying.

And, to be fair, the door swings both ways with this. We women are known to share all sorts of provocative secrets with each other so, if you expect respect and discretion from your husband, be sure to exercise that same discretion yourself.

Discreetly,
Snarky

I’m going to rename Abby on ER to Kelly Taylor. Remember Kelly from Beverly Hills, 90210? If something bad was going to happen…it was going to happen to her. Diet pill addiction, druggie mom, inattentive dad, recruited by a cult, raped, shot, groped by her boss, affairs with multiple co-stars…the list goes on and on. She had this perpetual black cloud following her pretty little blonde head around.

Abby…same thing. Mentally unstable brother and mom, alcoholic, befriends an abused wife whose husband eventually beats her up, fails the boards the first time around and oh yeah…has affairs with multiple co-workers.

Then…last night…she gets in a snit with Susan and declares herself “on break.” (“That’s such a nursey thing to do.” -UberHusband) She heads out to the ambulance bay for a smoke and subsequently gets kidnapped by 1 1/2 street thugs (sorry, the little one ain’t quite there yet) who want her to sew up their injured homey with a needle, thread and what appears to be children’s liquid Tylenol with codeine. Yum. To add insult to fatal injury, she also suffers the indignity of having to urinate in front of these guys but keeps her cool and stands up for herself, clarifying that she’s afraid of the big, black gun and not the big, black guy.

Kelly would have just cried and tried to call Dylan or Brandon.

Meanwhile, her co-workers…two of whom she has had affairs with, question whether or not (a) she’s just throwing a hissy and is probably “out for a walk” or (b), she’s been kidnapped by criminals who didn’t even offer her a soda when they went through the Rally’s drive-thru.

No one’s really worried except for Susan, who gets a rather poignant pep talk from Carrie, explaining that when you’re a woman with power and authority, you’re going to piss people off and they’re not going to like you. Very true but as a woman, tough to accept.

Ultimately, Abby is dumped back off at the ambulance bay. Abbbbbbyyyyyyyyyy…you got some ’splaining to do!

Don’t come to Texas, though. We have more strippers than we know what to do with.

Speaker To 8th-Graders: Try Stripping

Associated Press

SAN FRANCISCO - The principal of a Palo Alto middle school may not invite a popular speaker back to an annual career day after he told girls they could earn a good living as strippers.

Management consultant William Fried told eighth-graders at Jane Lathrop Stanford Middle School on Tuesday that stripping and exotic dancing can pay $250,000 or more per year, depending on their bust size.

“It’s sick, but it’s true,” Fried said in an interview later. “The truth of the matter is you can earn a tremendous amount of money as an exotic dancer, if that’s your desire.”

Fried has given a popular 55-minute presentation, “The Secret of a Happy Life,” at the school’s career day the past three years. He counsels students to experiment with a variety of interests until they discover something they love and excel in.

But school principal Joseph Di Salvo said Fried may not be back next year.

The principal said Fried’s comments to the class came after some of them asked him to expand on why he included “exotic dancing” on his list of 140 potential careers.

Fried spent about a minute answering questions, defining strippers and exotic dancers synonymously. According to Jason Garcia, 14, he told students: “For every two inches up there, you should get another $50,000 on your salary.”

“A couple of students egged him and he took it hook, line and sinker,” said Di Salvo, who also said the students took advantage of a substitute teacher overseeing the session.

“It’s totally inappropriate,” Di Salvo said. “It’s not OK by me. I would want my presenters to kind of understand that they are coming into a career day for eighth-graders.”

That stripping advice wasn’t the only thing that riled parents. Di Salvo said one mother said she was outraged when her son announced that he was forgoing college for a field he loves: fishing.

“He really focused on finding what you really love to do,” said Mariah Cannon, 13.

Fried, 64, said he does not think he offended any of the students: “Eighth-grade kids are not dumb,” he said. “They are pretty worldly.”

YAY!!

Shannon was eaten by the big, bad monster…just as I had hoped since the first episode!

Oh wait…no she wasn’t. Damn.

It drives me nuts how for fifty minutes, JJ Abrams can make Locke look like a complete freak and then wrap everything up in a nice bow at the end. We all nod our heads and say, “Ahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,” when what the Professor does eventually makes 100% sense. What I want to know is, which Webelo badge requires you to learn how to make hallucinogenic brain pastes? Just curious.

I’m dying to know what’s down there in Dr. Evil’s Escape Pod.

Favorite Lost moment last night? When Hurley was hassling Jin, telling him that everyone thought he could speak English, throwing in a cavalier, “Your wife is hot” comment…just to check. No response. You know Jin would have carved Hurley up and had himself a big ‘ol plate of protein had he understood that.

Two people now know that Sun speaks English, which means that Kate has someone else to confide in and burden with her backstory. Plus, they can talk about BOYS! Hee.

I watched three hours of ABC television last night. Three. Hours. Haven’t done that in years! Alias was fun and I always enjoy watching Wife Swap. You couldn’t pay me to go on that show. Ever. I like my life…I don’t need to go see if the grass is greener somewhere else.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

The Spare strikes again. This boy man prince is one step away from hooking up with Athena Onassis, renting a pink RV and travelling Europe in The Royal Life…coming this fall on Fox.

¡Coma mis cortocircuitos! ¿Usted ha visto siempre “Los Simpsons” en español? ¡Muy está entreteniendo! ¡Muy continental!

A Romanian couple named their son Yahoo as a sign of gratitude for meeting over the Internet. Be grateful they didn’t meet at BarelyLegalandHot.com.

The season finale of North Shore airs tonight. It’s January. This can’t be good for the show although, it’s great for me because they won’t be filming on the beach in front of our rental like the last time we were out there.

The Donald is having The Wedding on January 22. No fair! I have to watch the premiere of The Apprentice 3 next week on my anniversary, he should have to suffer too! What? I don’t have to watch it and can instead go out to dinner with the UberHusband? Well, okay. If you say so.

So I’m scanning the Lost recaplet over at Television Without Pity and I spy the term, “hallucinogenic mind paste.”

I said “hallucinogenic brain paste” in my post earlier today. We can’t all be thinking that much alike, can we?

{wiping the back of my head to see if there’s any goo on it}

Previously on The Amazing Race…Lori & Bolo went from last place to first place, courtesy of a pig-blood-splattered Fast Forward, Jonathan Baker (yes, Jonathan Baker) tried to subdue an out-of-control Freddy, Victoria didn’t yak into Jonathan Baker’s lap and Gus & Hera picked too many Bad Choices, wound up last on the Mat of Judgment and were ousted by the Philiminator.

Six teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

We’re still in Budapest, Hungary…Fisherman’s Bastion…the sixth pit stop in a race around the world. Eat, drink and mingle with the other teams.

Lori & Bolo depart first at 11:12 p.m. “Make your way to the town of Budaphuk.” Huh? That can’t be right. Oh…Bourdavar…they have to track down a winery with the largest wine cask in Hungary. Bolo declares the physical aspects of the race “not a problem,” which of course, means it will be a problem…quite possibly in this episode! Thanks, Amazing Editors!

I always think that when a team gets a Fast Forward that they wind up being, like, six hours ahead of the other teams but based on what I’ve seen this season, the Amazing Producers are trying to tighten things up. Long gone are the days of teams like Peggy and Claire, who somehow managed to get on such a screwy flight itinerary they wound up an entire day behind everyone else. That wasn’t fun for us either, ladies.

This is why I was surprised to see Kris & Jon depart a mere 45 minutes later, but by this point we all know that teams who leave late at night will wind up someplace that doesn’t open up until the morning. Jon said, “Thank God I have Kris. Starting out on this journey, we wanted to just keep tight and respect each other and we’ve definitely done that.” Has anyone seen these two without a smile on their faces even once? You can’t tell me they don’t deserve to win the million bucks, go on all their Team #1 trips and live happily ever after.

Jonathan Baker and the V-Chip depart third, looking as beaten up and unhappy as ever. “I’m not the type of girl that needs someone to hold my hand and be overly affectionate. John is extremely motivating and we always seem to kiss and make up in the end.” Well, yeah, I guess that’s true. You’re both still in the race.

Grumpy Bunny Hayden and Sideshow Aaron depart fourth. That woman is not happy. I haven’t seen a scowl like that since…well…Jonathan Baker and Victoria left four minutes earlier. I’m guessing Hayden didn’t take my recommendation of more vibraty to heart. Oh well. “I can be obnoxious and a brat, yes, and I get frantic when I see Aaron so laid-back and relaxed. Aaron needs to get more asssertive with me because I will steamroll over him and it will screw us.” (“So her issue is his problem?” -UberHusband)

Team Potato Eyes departs next. Like I said last week, I’m learning to really like Rebecca. Sure, her taste in men leaves a lot to be desired, but we’ve all dated a guy like Adam. Haven’t we? Um…er…anyway…Rebecca doesn’t want to be her boyfriend’s mom anymore and Adam is tired of being treated like a little kid. Well, quit acting like one! Didn’t we all hear this story at some point in our lives? I’ll treat you like an adult if you act like an adult? Granted, most of us were 15 and not 25 but…you know what I mean.

Freddy, Kendra and Freddy’s BCGs (Birth Control Glasses…the UberHusband says it’s an Army/military term…ha!) depart last. Freddy’s BCGs have replaced Rebecca’s Burberry Visor as my favorite Amazing Accessory. Freddy yaps something about him, Kendra, Hayden and Aaron being the “Model Alliance” and something else, but I’m not paying attention. All I can think about is how they’re the sourest-looking group of “models” I’ve seen since the first season of The Swan.

Our Amazing Quote of the week comes early this episode, as Ladylike Lori discovers the winery doesn’t open until 10:00 a.m.:

“Oh, that’s great. We gotta SLEEP ON THE STREET and I COULDA STAYED in a nice damn HOtel. I’m gonna beat someone’s ass!”

At 9:59 a.m., our teams bust through the gates and pant, pant, pant…find the…pant, pant…clue box. Clue-rip. Teams must now travel to Corsica and Napoleon’s birth room.

Teams are starting to catch on that they should try to get their plane tickets before getting to the airport, so Kris & Jon stop off at a dog groomer’s (WTF?) and we watch doggies get coiffed while Jon reserves tickets on Air France. Jonathan Baker has the same idea.

Everyone else does the airport shuffle and Adam’s wittle feewings are huwt because he doesn’t think Rebecca trusts him enough to do anything. Well pal, she doesn’t. “Rebecca, I’m gonna go to the other ticket counter, and I’m gonna do this on my own because I’d like to learn how to do it.” Rebecca ignores him. (“I wouldn’t let him take care of that, either. You’d wind up in Corsicana.” -UberHusband)

Jonathan Baker continues his quest for personal validation with, “When we get to the airport…we will know…who’s playing this game for real and who’s not.” I swear, he says the stupidest things. But wait, there’s more! “Can’t win the physcial, but I can certainly outthink anyone.” Of course you can’t win the physical…that’s why you make your wife do everything, skippy!

Kris & Jon arrive at the airport and the Air France agent tells them they have no reservation, it’s “too late” and then the Amazing Editors lead us to believe for about five minutes that this is the End of Team Sweetheart but…it’s not. The guy ends up giving them e-tickets…problem solved. I don’t mind drama, but don’t create it where there really isn’t any.

In Corsica, Bolo plays ignorant American and asks a lady in the airport if she knows where Napoleon’s birthplace is. She replies, “Of course I know” with that arrogant French “je nais c’est screwyou” we’ve all come to know and love. That’s like going to San Francisco and asking people if they know where the Golden Gate Bridge is. Of course, the place doesn’t open until the next morning. Adam & Rebecca go in first. They’re in first place.

First. Place. Adam. Rebecca. Hang on…I need a moment. Breathe in…breathe out.

And…there’s a Fast Forward which of course, because they’re screwed if they don’t, Adam & Rebecca go for the Fast Forward. Here’s the task…put on an “old style” diving suit and walk the ocean floor to a cage to get their next clue. Sounds easy enough, if you have more than six brain cells, which is why Adam had so much trouble. Plus, I have to be honest…any dive gear that requires a wrench to seal up would probably intimidate me so I can’t snark on Doofus too much. Well, yeah I can, because I would never yelp, “I can’t reach my valve!” like Adam did a dozen times. He also wants to tell his mother he loves her. Again.

Rebecca, because she’s a machine…goes underwater and gets the clue with little fanfare but because Doofus just flailed about while his dive suit inflated and made him look like an “old style” Michelin man, he eventually had to go underwater and walk to the cage for their Fast Forward to be validated. Did he actually think he’d get away with not doing anything?

Kudos to Rebecca, for finally catching on to Adam’s proverbial rib - speak to him in short, succinct sentences. Don’t use words that are too big or they’ll just get all discombobulated in his brain. He finally gets control of his valve (HA!) and completes the task. Aww. Everyone’s so proud. Clue-rip. Now they get to skip the remaining tasks and head to La Pietra, the Pit Stop for this leg of the race, via small airplane and car. This is funny…Rebecca doesn’t like being up in small planes and Adam takes care of her. No. Nononononono, I refuse to like that guy.

For the non Fast Forwarders, they need to drive 100 miles to Camp Rafalli, a boot camp for the French Foreign Legion, to find the next clue. Hayden can’t drive, which is Rule #1 of the Model Alliance…don’t drive yourself if someone else can do it for you. Hell, act like you can’t drive a manual transmission if you have to.

Jonathan Baker and Victoria fight some more. They’re just so dull now that I’ve fixated on Hayden.

“The Model Alliance is in full effect,” according to a fist-pumping Aaron. It’s in such full effect that Hayden is willing to chuck Rule #1 out of the window because she doesn’t think Aaron knows where he’s going. She makes him stop the car and get out because she CAN DRIVE SO MUCH BETTER. Like I said, no vibraty.

Adam & Rebecca run up to the Mat of Judgment and as the Philiminator bestows the coveted Team #1 honor on them, he announces they’ve won a trip to the sunny Caribbean. Not the romantic Caribbean, but the sunny Caribbean. That’s just what these two need…hole ‘em up in a 100 sq. ft. cubby hole for a week.

Lori & Bolo and Jonathan Baker & Victoria arrive at French Foreign Legion boot camp. Clue-rip. Detour. In this Detour, Good Choice is climbing up a cliff and repelling back down. Bad Choice is putting one teammember in an inflatable raft while the other sits up in the boat and tries to find buoys in a lake that may or may not have a clue attached. Fun. No one in their right mind would do Bad Choice, right?

Wrong. Jonathan Baker & the V-Chip do it but of course, he puts Victoria in the boat so he can blame her when they can’t find the cluebuoy. I so wanted them to lose on this task. The other teams climb/repel and Bolo did it all wrong, not understanding that he should be using his legs and not his upper body. Freddy’s BCGs make a return appearance and even Kendra successfully completes this task, although I’m growing tired of her saying, “Baby” all the time to Freddy. What’s so frustrating about the way this is all edited together is it totally looks like Jonathan Baker and spouse are dead last. Of course though, they’re not. By the time they find the clue, they’re in third place. Damn!

Clue-rip. Teams now need to drive to the village of Zilia. Roadblock. One team member has to stomp 55 lbs. of grapes in a barrel, fill up 5 bottles and then drink a glass. Easy, cheesy. Kendra actually looked like she was having fun (I love how she’s still wearing her honorary French Foreign Legion medal) and, seeing as this task was neither really physical nor mental, Jonathan hoses it all up and fills 4 1/2 bottles before cracking and degenerating to fifth place.

Kris makes the cutest “I Love Lucy” face as she and Jon finish up. I love her.

This was such an uneventful episode for me…it almost looked like it was a big race at the end but ultimately, Hayden & Aaron arrived last and ultimately, it was a non-elimination leg. Now we have to look at Happy Bunny Hayden for another episode, but this time she’s broke. HA! How’s that Model Alliance thing workin’ for ya now, eh?

On the next episode of The Amazing Race…Rebecca sobs it up, Kendra can’t breathe and Jonathan Baker is still a jerk, not coming to the aid of his injured wife. I really wish a big rock would just fall on him, already.

Once I kind of got over the whole well-Toto-we’re-not-in-Malibu-anymore thing on last night’s premiere of The Jen Schefft Bachelorette Experience, I got on board with the show. Chris “Why doesn’t anyone ever give me a rose?” Harrison played doorman, asked entirely too many questions about Andrew Firestone and Jen’s relationship with him and then turned Jen and her gal pals (impersonating waitresses so they could get inside dirt on the men…ha!) loose on 25 “bachelors who may or may not be there for the right reasons.”

Two of the guys this season are virgins, so I’m betting that at least in their opinions, they’re definitely there for the right reasons…and one of them went on to the next round.

As with all previous seasons, you can tell why some of these dorks are still bachelors:

David, 30, Marketing Consultant from Chicago: He’s in Marketing, so he has to know how to sell himself (his words), he works out a lot (his words again) and he wears tight clothes. Sigh. Still his words. Marketing Mark must have had tight clothes on because during the Rose Ceremony, he passed out and collapsed. Nice. You never get a second chance to make a third impression. Buh-bye.

Chris C., 27, Hair Stylist from Campton, Kentucky: Once I acknowledged that he’s probably the only guy with the Jon Bon Jovi haircut in Campton and he probably gave it to himself because Joe Bob down at the barber shop didn’t know how to do them fancy haircuts, he started drinking. He never stopped. There’s nothing worse than a redneck who is a mouthy, sloppy drunk; except perhaps for…

Requisite Creepy “Stalker” Stu, 27, Attorney from New York City: He watched the entire season of The Bachelor with Andrew Firestone (a red flag in and of itself, unless he had a girlfriend at the time who made him watch it) and has basically fawned over the Jenster ever since…or so the producers would have you believe. We need a psycho every season, and Stu is this season’s target. As long as he doesn’t try to make out with our bachelorette on the first group date, we should be okay for at least a couple of episodes.

Fabrice, 28, Real Estate Investor from Paris, France: “Jenneeeeee…deeeeed you see zat epeeesode of Sex and Zee City when Carrie was in Pareee? Oui! Fabrice would never do zat to vous!” I made that quote up, but even if I hadn’t, don’t date or even think about marrying a guy whose name sounds alarmingly like a fabric deodorizer.

On the flip side, here are the guys I did like…

Wendell, 32, Entrepreneur from Chicago: Sure, he kind of looks like a dork but he’s nice, he’s friendly, he seems considerate and you probably wouldn’t create short children with him. Plus, he’s local for Jen.

Michael, 31, Teacher from Monroe, Michigan: This guy was just nice…plus, gifts…gifts are always good. I missed part of their conversation about that but got the impression that his dad was her dad’s big brother at a fraternity or something? Now, that would be karma…not to mention a great story for the kiddos in a decade or so.

Everyone seems to be fawning over Art Gallery Director Jerry (29, from La-La Land), but although he’s cute, there wasn’t anything else about him that really stood out for me.

Ryan, 28, Teacher from Manhattan Beach, California: How can you not like a guy who’s a middle school teacher? Aside from not necessarily wanting another Ryan to win our fair maiden, he’s cute. And nice. And…he got our Jen to confess that her ideal man doesn’t have to have a family background in tires or wine to melt her heart.

Both guys named Andrew and Andy are out for obvious reasons, Ben skates by because, although he’s from Aspen (been there, done that) he has a charming Clay Aiken meets Kermit the Frog aura about him. That can’t be a bad thing.

I’ve always loved the montages of “This season on…The Bachelorette…” because they hint at Dating! Drama! that quite often, isn’t as dramatic as we’re initially lead to believe. After watching it though, I’m kind of preparing myself for a Brandon-Kelly-Dylan confrontation of “I choose ME” with Jen walking away from all the losers who aren’t worthy of her love or anything beyond the six weeks ABC has allotted them.

Should be fun. I’m on board.

frasier’s agent’s here!
missus huber, like a roach
search rescue party

cheating hubby rex
kids master extortionists
anal retentive

gabrielle is broke
hock jewelry, most ugly
get a job, ha ha

poor guy, susan’s ex
caught brandy, another guy
julie’s birthday, join?

nanny claire exposed
want me to make the coffee?
in the mood for love

fairview mall car show
buick lacrosse, three hundred
match shoes to the dress

Side note: I can deal with the Buick LaCrosse commercials two or three times an episode, but when I have to watch Gabrielle try to pitch one at the mall, that’s going a bit far.

susan mike are where?
candles, pillows, washing clothes?
floor plan confuses

singing daughter, friends
more family birthday fun
i love you, that’s great

date with the drug guy
dating my wife, call me rex!
exquisite flowers

insecure lynette
won’t admit lust in his heart
give us a minute?

been to paradise
that tired piece of edie?
never been to me

son knows about dad
best eighteen year marriage
for that, respect him

susan’s over ex
up to you, new york new york
run across street, love

paul hides evidence
set up plumber for the fall
no one suspects mike

You know, the UberHusband and I have worked hard over the last 10-15 years to get to the point we’re at right now. We’ve sacrificed and we’ve made certain decisions that have given us a comfortable lifestyle.

Think our dogs would appreciate that?

Nah….

So, I get out of the shower this morning and this is what I see to my left:

And then, to my right:

Get up, you two! There are bathrooms to clean and walls to paint. Hop to it!

Every time I see the city of Dallas’s campaign to market the city, I always think it should say, “Live Large, Be Larger.” This isn’t a fat rant though, so don’t get all up in arms.

Dallas is the 3rd fattest city in America, according to Men’s Fitness magazine.

Surprised? Nah, me neither.

Of course, the Dallas Morning News has to go and get all pissy and defensive about how the rankings were tabulated:

The Men’s Fitness study consisted of examining the Yellow Pages online for the number of gyms, sporting goods stores, health food stores, liquor stores, and fast food outlets for 25 cities. None of these is a measure of fat.

The magazine said it also collated data on air quality and climate, commute time, and number of parks and recreational facilities, none of which are measures of fat either.

Boo hoo. The second paragraph is what really jumped out at me because, what are the most prevalent excuses people give for not exercising? It’s too hot/cold/muggy to exercise, I don’t have time because I have a three hour commute every day and…I’d go work out but there aren’t any