Previously on The Amazing Race…Jon Flintstone successfully navigated Hungary’s least reliable car, Jonathan Baker and the V-Chip were finally thrown out of a taxi and the episode ended with no pit stop, Lori & Bolo all alone in the Hungarian countryside and a big, fat, obnoxious “To Be Continued.”
There was also a clip show last week that showed us only a couple of “What you didn’t see” scenes and entirely too much Jonathan Baker.
Seven teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?
It’s kind of tough for me to get going on this when I don’t have some lame pit-stop departure quote but, we’ll see what we can do. Everyone (except for Lori & Bolo) is waiting until 10:00 p.m., when the Net Klub Internet Cafe opens. They will receive their next clue using a wireless Intel Centrino® laptop to log onto America Online®. You’ve got mail!®
I take what I said three sentences ago back. I have a lame task quote from Jonathan Baker who says, “Clicking into AOL is like communicating with my best friend.” Huh?
Teams must travel to Hungary’s Heritage Rail Museum, where they will then have to ride one of those little railcars I haven’t seen since Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom at speeds up to 50 MPH! When they crash and flip their railcar, teams will get their next clue. Ha! The rail museum though, doesn’t open until 10 a.m. Of course it doesn’t, which gives Lori & Bolo plenty of time to wrestle their way back to Budapest.
Jonathan Baker spells “race” out for Victoria and the viewers at home. Thanks, pal! It hadn’t occurred to me the last 452 times you said, “THIS IS A RACE, VICTORIA!” that indeed, it was a race. I’m all clear on that now, though. Run, run, run. Fast, fast, fast!
Lucky for Lori & Bolo, they manage to hop a 2:55 a.m. service train of sorts to Budapest but have no idea they’re not painfully in last place. These two are growing on me. I don’t like how they talk to each other sometimes but I forget…they’re professional wrestlers. Did I expect oogly googly eyes and “Schnookums” and “Woopsie Doopsie Bear” out of them? Yeah, I did…but that’s because my bubble is very small. Bygones.
Jonathan Baker however, surprises me because I didn’t think I could despise him any more yet every week, he kicks it up a notch. This episode’s first meltdown comes when Victoria fails to correctly snag a cab, snitty banter ensues and Jonathan Baker spits out, “That’s why women don’t rule the world!” Why? Because they fail to yield to narcissistic, insecure men who get their rocks off putting down everyone around them?
Hayden, who is starting to remind me more of Parker Posey’s pissy Patricia (say that three times fast) in You’ve Got Mail, appears to be growing increasingly irritated with Aaron. While she’s off checking current events on America Online®, he’s reminding her to check the mail and that’s bugging her. Okay. But remember ParkerHayden, this is a race! R. A. C. E. F-O-X, Fox.
Adam, our special-needs child, is having trouble logging on to AOL. “Wait, I just did it wrong.” Who has trouble logging on to AOL? There are like, three buttons from what I recall and…oh, who cares. Rebecca thinks he’s retarded and that’s good enough for me.
Lori & Bolo hop their train back into town and the other teams look for food and lodging. You know, Kris & Jon are the only team who look like they’re having fun. They’re excited about the architecture and the scenery and the building lights in the night darkness. Aaron tries to join in with the fun, but ParkerHayden continues to scowl and look generally tired.
Adam wants to go somewhere alone and be romantic with Rebecca. Eww. She wants none of that. I think we need to hook Adam and ParkerHayden up. Now that would be a good idea…halfway through the race, switch up the teams. Whoever wins gets two million dollars and gets to share it with his/her original teammate. Wouldn’t that be great? We could pair up Jonathan Baker with Gus!
Sorry…got sidetracked. I’m also learning to like Rebecca more and more which, by default, means I like Adam less and less because, by this point he has launched so far off the dorkometer I can’t even keep up. Rebecca agrees, saying, “Adam’s awesome and I love him and I do enjoy being with him but yet, I look at Aaron and Hayden. I look at Kris and Jon and, it just seems so much healthier than what I have.” You know what I think it is, Rebecca? It’s Adam’s high-pitched nasally voice. I swear, that’s what it is.
Jonathan Baker calls Victoria dumb. I’m out of rants for him. All of the teams check into the Hotel Fortuna to ride out the evening as Lori & Bolo pull into the train station and head for the Kitty Kat Internet Kafe. Bolo whistles for a cab to which Lori replies, “Bolo, this ain’t New York.” That made me laugh.
On a side note, did anyone notice the Dove hair styling product ad featuring Wilma Flintstone, Velma from Scooby Doo and Jane Jetson? They were griping about their various hair woes and baddaboom, baddabing, all three ladies were transformed into post-modern animated hotties. It was a really cute commercial. Be on the lookout for it if you didn’t see it last night.
When Lori & Bolo get to the Kitty Kat Internet Kafe, they are so frickin’ excited to find out they’re not out of the game, yet. Especially Bolo. “I can’t frickin’ believe this…the hours of operation are 10 a.m. - cool. They haven’t even frickin’ opened up yet.” Wisely, the two of them catch a taxi to the museum and sit outside for three hours until it opens. As all of the other teams start to congregate at the museum, I can’t help but wonder (Carrie Bradshaw moment) why they all still look like they’ve been hit by trucks when they’ve been at a hotel for the last 8, 9 or 10 hours.
Jonathan Baker is in rare form this fine morning. First he asks his taxi driver if he speaks English (he does), then Jonathan Baker proceeds to talk to him like he doesn’t understand English. When I replayed this scene, I muted it to see if based on Jonathan’s disjointed hand signals and sad attempt at, I don’t know - Hungarian sign language, I could figure out what he wanted the guy to do. No dice. Speaking s-l-o-w-l-y and making “yummy in my tummy” hand gestures just doesn’t cut it. My head hurts when I watch this show, because I shake my head so much and my eyes roll entirely too much.
Okay, now here’s my take on what happened that caused Freddy to get so bent out of shape. All of the teams were standing behind a gate and when the museum opened, they raised the gate. The people at the far end of the gate started running but everyone’s pace wasn’t synched up so some folks got stuck, Gus tried to catch the gate before it whacked poor Hera (didn’t work) but Freddy the Model took a hit to the face. Kendra fawns all over him and Freddy thinks someone held the gate down to sabotage him. Whatever. They all run for a stand that has seven numbers on it and Adam, Freddy and Bolo rastle and almost knock Hayden over.
Bolo got #1. Ha! Once everyone has their number, Freddy starts in. “Who pulled the gate down? THE GATE. WHO PULLED THE GATE DOWN? I WANT TO KNOW. WAS IT YOU? WHEN I FIND OUT WHO PULLED THE GATE DOWN, IT’S SOMEBODY’S ASS!”
I didn’t think anything could top that little tirade but then Jonathan Baker, of all people, walks over to console Freddy, telling him that everything’s okay and to…snicker…”Walk it off.” Hey Freddy…Hera knocked her noggin too but you don’t see her throwing out idle threats like, “ONE OF YOU, I AM GOING TO BREAK IN HALF. I’M TELLING YOU NOW. ONE OF YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT.”
Lori & Bolo railcar it first, as Lori tries to convince Bolo that although they’re in first place, that doesn’t mean they’re ahead. And to think I thought Lori wasn’t all that bright at the beginning. She’s got it all in perspective. Now if she can just keep her teammate Bluto under control, we’ll be cool. Clue-rip. Fast Forward.
Holy cripes. In this Fast Forward, teams have to drink a goblet of pig’s blood. I won’t pretty it up or sugar coat it or use fancy words like “labyrinth” and “Transylvania” like The Philiminator did to distract you from the fact that teams have to drink FRICKIN’ PIG’S BLOOD to be able to skip all remaining tasks and go directly to the Pit Stop. At least they don’t have to shave their heads, which actually, might be to their professional benefit. Of course, Lori & Bolo go for it.
Anyhoo…Hayden & Aaron are in second place. Clue-rip. Teams must now go back into town and to the Nemzeti Sportuszoda, which I incorrectly identified as the Nemzeti Protozoa initially.
I’ve always thought Kris was cute, but when she kittenishly cooed, “Ooh, it’s very vibraty!” and grinned as she and Her Hot Man Jon were on their railcar, that nailed it. I want them to win. Period. Love those two crazy kids. Personally, I think both Kendra and Hayden could benefit from more vibraty. Victoria? More therapy.
What’s even better is watching Bolo try to mock Freddy because it’s nearly impossible for Bolo to get his voice up high enough to do the Fredster any justice. Freddy so deserves just oodles of unending mockitude though, for the sheer fact that, instead of sucking it up and being A Man, he says to Nurse Florence Nightingkendra, “My whole face hurts, honey” and then pouts.
Nemzeti Protozoa. Clue-rip. Detour. This week’s Good Choice is hopping in the pool and, while working with your teammate, scoring a goal against a third-stringer from the Hungarian Water Polo team. I didn’t buy Phil’s “top water polo player” scheme for a second because honestly, it didn’t look like the player was trying all that hard to block the ball.
In Horrendously Bad Choice, teams go to a beach on the Danube River, pump up an inflatable raft and then paddle it across the river to the other side. The Danube. River. That’s like trying to float a rubber duckie across the Mississippi. But hey, ain’t my decision.
Everyone goes with Good Choice except of course, for Gus and Hera. Let me just say, I would have so rather seen Gus in a Speedo than dorkalicious Adam.
Lori & Bolo win this week’s Amazing Quote award for this transaction, while they’re driving to Casa de Pig’s Blood:
Lori: Quit saying we’re back in it, we’re not back in it until we step on…
Bolo: What the Hell do you call first place, Lori?
Lori: It ain’t first place until you step on the pit stop.Bolo: {shaking his head} You’re the biggest optimist I’ve ever seen in my life.
Lori: I’m sorry, but that’s the way I was raised. You ain’t there until you’re there.
Wow. Jon looks…er…um…passable in his Speedo. Hmm. Goal! Clue-rip. Teams must now go to the Gundel Restaurant.
The Detour was pretty dull, so let’s just get to the good stuff. Lori & Bolo crawl down into the depths of Hell, they’re told they need to drink what’s in the goblets and God love ‘em, they just knocked back them there nasty glasses of goo. I’m so impressed. I couldn’t have done that. And with that, they’re off to the Pit Stop, the Fisherman’s Bastion. “The last team to check in here,” Phil reminds us, “may be eliminated.” Then we see some swashbuckling guy with a whip doing the three slash of Zorro thing for dramatic effect. I laughed out loud when I saw that.
What’s great is the Pit Stop is practically right around the corner from Ye Olde Blood Shoppe so we just follow our formerly doomed team to the Mat of Judgment. The Philiminator and Zorro welcome them to Hungary and declare them team #1! Yay! And, as the winners of this leg of the race, they’ve won a trip to romantic Europe! Wait. Take a look around…they’re already in frickin’ romantic Europe!
Meanwhile, over at the Gundel Restaurant, the Roadblock is, “Who wants to spice up their life?” which I’m guessing has nothing to do with Posh, Sporty, Baby, Huey, Duey or Louie. In this Roadblock, one team member has to eat a 24 oz. bowl of hot, extraordinarily spicy soup. And here I thought pig’s blood was bad. I also thought that nasty-ass kilogram of caviar from last season was unpalatable.
Again…functional vs. dysfunctional couples. Kris & Jon work together on who should do it…and Jon picks up the task. Jonathan Baker thumb-points at his befuddled wife and says she’ll do it.
The next twenty minutes was basically watching these poor people eat this soup. It doesn’t help that they have a band circling the teams playing Hungarian-techno-string-quartet music that made me nauseous and I was just watching. Victoria throws up more than she eats and Jonathan Baker keeps calling her a drama queen and other non-mentionable items the whole damn time. God, she should have just turned around and puked in his lap. If nothing else, it would have gotten him out of there for a little while as he cleaned up. He’s such a jerk.
This so reminded me of the caviar thing last year, when the people who were able to actually put mind over matter finished quickly…like Chip. Remember him? Plowed through that 2.2 lbs. of caviar while Christie cried the whole time. Jon, joking the whole time, finished his soup so he and Kris were still in second place.
Rebecca impressed me. She sat down, put spoon in hand and went through the whole thing. It was amazing, and Adam was so supportive that for a nanosecond I liked him as he was pulling her hair out of the soup. Victoria’s throwing up, which is causing Aaron to throw up…it’s so dramatic and sad that the band stops playing. Believe it or not, Adam delivered a funny line with, “I think we need more music.” It’s even funnier because Jonathan Baker spends half the task trying to get the band quit playing.
What was really sad was Freddy got sick in his soup bowl. As much as I don’t really care for either Freddy or Kendra, the UberHusband thought they deserved to go to the next leg of the race simply because he ate his own mess. Duly noted, honey.
Gus & Hera are so in last place and the tragic thing…Gus just went right through the bowl of soup like it was Cheerios or…a stein of German beer. Unfortunately, even though the Amazing editors tried to make it look like a big race at the end between Freddy/Kendra and Gus/Hera, I don’t think it was.
Gus & Hera…you’re the last team to arrive. Bummer. And I was just starting to like them! Hera is so sweet, “Coming on this race with my father, I did hope to have a stronger relationship and that, I have achieved. The race has definitely brought us closer.” Gus concludes that not only is Hera his daughter, but now she’s his friend.
Sniff. Sniff. Now Gus, back to Berlin to have that well-deserved beer time prevented you from enjoying a couple of legs back!
Next week on The Amazing Race…Hayden stays cranky and Adam still loves his mommy only this time it’s 20,000 leagues under the sea!
