Previously on The Amazing Race…Lori & Bolo went from last place to first place, courtesy of a pig-blood-splattered Fast Forward, Jonathan Baker (yes, Jonathan Baker) tried to subdue an out-of-control Freddy, Victoria didn’t yak into Jonathan Baker’s lap and Gus & Hera picked too many Bad Choices, wound up last on the Mat of Judgment and were ousted by the Philiminator.

Six teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

We’re still in Budapest, Hungary…Fisherman’s Bastion…the sixth pit stop in a race around the world. Eat, drink and mingle with the other teams.

Lori & Bolo depart first at 11:12 p.m. “Make your way to the town of Budaphuk.” Huh? That can’t be right. Oh…Bourdavar…they have to track down a winery with the largest wine cask in Hungary. Bolo declares the physical aspects of the race “not a problem,” which of course, means it will be a problem…quite possibly in this episode! Thanks, Amazing Editors!

I always think that when a team gets a Fast Forward that they wind up being, like, six hours ahead of the other teams but based on what I’ve seen this season, the Amazing Producers are trying to tighten things up. Long gone are the days of teams like Peggy and Claire, who somehow managed to get on such a screwy flight itinerary they wound up an entire day behind everyone else. That wasn’t fun for us either, ladies.

This is why I was surprised to see Kris & Jon depart a mere 45 minutes later, but by this point we all know that teams who leave late at night will wind up someplace that doesn’t open up until the morning. Jon said, “Thank God I have Kris. Starting out on this journey, we wanted to just keep tight and respect each other and we’ve definitely done that.” Has anyone seen these two without a smile on their faces even once? You can’t tell me they don’t deserve to win the million bucks, go on all their Team #1 trips and live happily ever after.

Jonathan Baker and the V-Chip depart third, looking as beaten up and unhappy as ever. “I’m not the type of girl that needs someone to hold my hand and be overly affectionate. John is extremely motivating and we always seem to kiss and make up in the end.” Well, yeah, I guess that’s true. You’re both still in the race.

Grumpy Bunny Hayden and Sideshow Aaron depart fourth. That woman is not happy. I haven’t seen a scowl like that since…well…Jonathan Baker and Victoria left four minutes earlier. I’m guessing Hayden didn’t take my recommendation of more vibraty to heart. Oh well. “I can be obnoxious and a brat, yes, and I get frantic when I see Aaron so laid-back and relaxed. Aaron needs to get more asssertive with me because I will steamroll over him and it will screw us.” (“So her issue is his problem?” -UberHusband)

Team Potato Eyes departs next. Like I said last week, I’m learning to really like Rebecca. Sure, her taste in men leaves a lot to be desired, but we’ve all dated a guy like Adam. Haven’t we? Um…er…anyway…Rebecca doesn’t want to be her boyfriend’s mom anymore and Adam is tired of being treated like a little kid. Well, quit acting like one! Didn’t we all hear this story at some point in our lives? I’ll treat you like an adult if you act like an adult? Granted, most of us were 15 and not 25 but…you know what I mean.

Freddy, Kendra and Freddy’s BCGs (Birth Control Glasses…the UberHusband says it’s an Army/military term…ha!) depart last. Freddy’s BCGs have replaced Rebecca’s Burberry Visor as my favorite Amazing Accessory. Freddy yaps something about him, Kendra, Hayden and Aaron being the “Model Alliance” and something else, but I’m not paying attention. All I can think about is how they’re the sourest-looking group of “models” I’ve seen since the first season of The Swan.

Our Amazing Quote of the week comes early this episode, as Ladylike Lori discovers the winery doesn’t open until 10:00 a.m.:

“Oh, that’s great. We gotta SLEEP ON THE STREET and I COULDA STAYED in a nice damn HOtel. I’m gonna beat someone’s ass!”

At 9:59 a.m., our teams bust through the gates and pant, pant, pant…find the…pant, pant…clue box. Clue-rip. Teams must now travel to Corsica and Napoleon’s birth room.

Teams are starting to catch on that they should try to get their plane tickets before getting to the airport, so Kris & Jon stop off at a dog groomer’s (WTF?) and we watch doggies get coiffed while Jon reserves tickets on Air France. Jonathan Baker has the same idea.

Everyone else does the airport shuffle and Adam’s wittle feewings are huwt because he doesn’t think Rebecca trusts him enough to do anything. Well pal, she doesn’t. “Rebecca, I’m gonna go to the other ticket counter, and I’m gonna do this on my own because I’d like to learn how to do it.” Rebecca ignores him. (“I wouldn’t let him take care of that, either. You’d wind up in Corsicana.” -UberHusband)

Jonathan Baker continues his quest for personal validation with, “When we get to the airport…we will know…who’s playing this game for real and who’s not.” I swear, he says the stupidest things. But wait, there’s more! “Can’t win the physcial, but I can certainly outthink anyone.” Of course you can’t win the physical…that’s why you make your wife do everything, skippy!

Kris & Jon arrive at the airport and the Air France agent tells them they have no reservation, it’s “too late” and then the Amazing Editors lead us to believe for about five minutes that this is the End of Team Sweetheart but…it’s not. The guy ends up giving them e-tickets…problem solved. I don’t mind drama, but don’t create it where there really isn’t any.

In Corsica, Bolo plays ignorant American and asks a lady in the airport if she knows where Napoleon’s birthplace is. She replies, “Of course I know” with that arrogant French “je nais c’est screwyou” we’ve all come to know and love. That’s like going to San Francisco and asking people if they know where the Golden Gate Bridge is. Of course, the place doesn’t open until the next morning. Adam & Rebecca go in first. They’re in first place.

First. Place. Adam. Rebecca. Hang on…I need a moment. Breathe in…breathe out.

And…there’s a Fast Forward which of course, because they’re screwed if they don’t, Adam & Rebecca go for the Fast Forward. Here’s the task…put on an “old style” diving suit and walk the ocean floor to a cage to get their next clue. Sounds easy enough, if you have more than six brain cells, which is why Adam had so much trouble. Plus, I have to be honest…any dive gear that requires a wrench to seal up would probably intimidate me so I can’t snark on Doofus too much. Well, yeah I can, because I would never yelp, “I can’t reach my valve!” like Adam did a dozen times. He also wants to tell his mother he loves her. Again.

Rebecca, because she’s a machine…goes underwater and gets the clue with little fanfare but because Doofus just flailed about while his dive suit inflated and made him look like an “old style” Michelin man, he eventually had to go underwater and walk to the cage for their Fast Forward to be validated. Did he actually think he’d get away with not doing anything?

Kudos to Rebecca, for finally catching on to Adam’s proverbial rib - speak to him in short, succinct sentences. Don’t use words that are too big or they’ll just get all discombobulated in his brain. He finally gets control of his valve (HA!) and completes the task. Aww. Everyone’s so proud. Clue-rip. Now they get to skip the remaining tasks and head to La Pietra, the Pit Stop for this leg of the race, via small airplane and car. This is funny…Rebecca doesn’t like being up in small planes and Adam takes care of her. No. Nononononono, I refuse to like that guy.

For the non Fast Forwarders, they need to drive 100 miles to Camp Rafalli, a boot camp for the French Foreign Legion, to find the next clue. Hayden can’t drive, which is Rule #1 of the Model Alliance…don’t drive yourself if someone else can do it for you. Hell, act like you can’t drive a manual transmission if you have to.

Jonathan Baker and Victoria fight some more. They’re just so dull now that I’ve fixated on Hayden.

“The Model Alliance is in full effect,” according to a fist-pumping Aaron. It’s in such full effect that Hayden is willing to chuck Rule #1 out of the window because she doesn’t think Aaron knows where he’s going. She makes him stop the car and get out because she CAN DRIVE SO MUCH BETTER. Like I said, no vibraty.

Adam & Rebecca run up to the Mat of Judgment and as the Philiminator bestows the coveted Team #1 honor on them, he announces they’ve won a trip to the sunny Caribbean. Not the romantic Caribbean, but the sunny Caribbean. That’s just what these two need…hole ‘em up in a 100 sq. ft. cubby hole for a week.

Lori & Bolo and Jonathan Baker & Victoria arrive at French Foreign Legion boot camp. Clue-rip. Detour. In this Detour, Good Choice is climbing up a cliff and repelling back down. Bad Choice is putting one teammember in an inflatable raft while the other sits up in the boat and tries to find buoys in a lake that may or may not have a clue attached. Fun. No one in their right mind would do Bad Choice, right?

Wrong. Jonathan Baker & the V-Chip do it but of course, he puts Victoria in the boat so he can blame her when they can’t find the cluebuoy. I so wanted them to lose on this task. The other teams climb/repel and Bolo did it all wrong, not understanding that he should be using his legs and not his upper body. Freddy’s BCGs make a return appearance and even Kendra successfully completes this task, although I’m growing tired of her saying, “Baby” all the time to Freddy. What’s so frustrating about the way this is all edited together is it totally looks like Jonathan Baker and spouse are dead last. Of course though, they’re not. By the time they find the clue, they’re in third place. Damn!

Clue-rip. Teams now need to drive to the village of Zilia. Roadblock. One team member has to stomp 55 lbs. of grapes in a barrel, fill up 5 bottles and then drink a glass. Easy, cheesy. Kendra actually looked like she was having fun (I love how she’s still wearing her honorary French Foreign Legion medal) and, seeing as this task was neither really physical nor mental, Jonathan hoses it all up and fills 4 1/2 bottles before cracking and degenerating to fifth place.

Kris makes the cutest “I Love Lucy” face as she and Jon finish up. I love her.

This was such an uneventful episode for me…it almost looked like it was a big race at the end but ultimately, Hayden & Aaron arrived last and ultimately, it was a non-elimination leg. Now we have to look at Happy Bunny Hayden for another episode, but this time she’s broke. HA! How’s that Model Alliance thing workin’ for ya now, eh?

On the next episode of The Amazing Race…Rebecca sobs it up, Kendra can’t breathe and Jonathan Baker is still a jerk, not coming to the aid of his injured wife. I really wish a big rock would just fall on him, already.