Lifted from Lady Mac…

THE “WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?” BLOGGER QUIZ

1. Who the hell do you think you are?

Who in the hell do I think I am? Who in the hell do you think you are? You don’t know me. And, I’m guessing you haven’t see Sideways, which makes me better than you anyway.

2. So, other than blogging, what’s your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?

I’m a software development project manager and work out of my home. And, that’s Mrs. Dumbass to you.

3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?

Like, yes. I was like, the editor of like, my high school newspaper and like, wanted to work on my college paper but like, I had to get a job that paid real money to, like, pay the bills.

4. Do you even read newspapers?

Why do that when I can have my household staff read them to me?

5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?

I like getting my propaganda from People and Entertainment Weekly, too. In Touch is a good resource as well.

6. I bet you’re some moron talk radio listener too, huh?

Yes. Howard Stern in the mornings and Dr. Laura in the afternoons.

7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?

Fax? What century are you living in? My @#$% Republican parrot newsletter comes straight to my Blackberry so I’m never without my script.

8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?

Because they’re idiots. And…I pay for my bandwidth, so I control my little world 100% BWA HA HA!!!!!

9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?

I’m not ignorant of other countries. In fact, I grew up in California.

10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?

I just said that I’d been to California. I’ve also been to New York, Oklahoma, Canada, Jamaica and coastal North Carolina.

11. If you’re so keen on the war, why haven’t you signed up, chickenhawk?

Because. There aren’t any good nail salons in Afghanistan, Kuwait or Iraq. Duh. ::eyes rolling::

12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend’s face?

Yes but fortunately, we were able to wash all the makeup off. That was pretty horrific.

13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?

Yes. As soon as I started this “quiz.”

14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!

Xena, Princess Warrior

The UberHusband and I went to see Sideways yesterday afternoon, putting our Academy Award Best Picture viewing average above 500 (watched Ray Saturday night) for the first time in many years.

Once in a while, for giggles I go read the twits at the IMDB movie message boards and yesterday morning some sort of “Just because you liked Sideways doesn’t mean you’re a better person than me!” smackdown was going on. The only reason I mention that is that I came out of the movie not feeling like an indie flick snob per se, but I will admit that to be enjoyable, I really think you had to use more brainpower than if you were watching…say…Big Momma’s House. There are metaphors and emotional struggles and a valiant attempt at a “triumph of the human spirit” vibe…if you can’t/won’t/don’t feel like looking beneath the surface you’ll miss the wonderful complexity of the film.

Ah…sounds like a fine wine…and the main character, Miles. Go figure.

If you go to see Sideways and are expecting Harold and Kumar Go To Napa or Dude, Where’s My Gerwurtzraminer?, you’ll be sorely disappointed.

It didn’t help that Grandma Siskel and Grandma Ebert were sitting directly behind us with their broken hearing aids (how else could I explain why they had to TALK SO LOUD DURING THE MOVIE), shocked and dismayed and saddened by the liberal use of the F-word, as well as Thomas Haden Church’s bare backside and another rather unfortunate (albeit hilarious) scene of full-frontal male nudity. If you want to avoid these sorts of things ladies, don’t go to see an R-rated movie. Sheesh.

Frick and Frack behind us reminded me of when the UberHusband and I went to see Traffic in the theater and had The County’s Most Sheltered Couple sitting behind us. They tsk-tskd the whole way through and were shocked and dismayed and saddened and…surprised(?) by all of the, ahem, drug activity going on. ::shaking my head in disbelief::

But, I thought Sideways was fantastic. I loved seeing the scenery from the Santa Barbara area, as it reminded me I really need to get back out there now that I can actually afford to go wine-tasting and folks won’t shoo me off their property for being an opportunistic college student just looking for a quick buzz.

The writing was witty, clever and at times sad and poignant. The UberHusband hit the nail on the head when he said the movie’s ending determines whether you’re a glass half-empty or a glass half-full person. That made sense to me, since I thought the same thing about Before Sunset’s ending.

By the way, I’m a glass half-full kind of person. The bottle of 2003 Cambria Pinot Noir we bought after the movie was rather nice, as well.

No Desperate Housewives last night due to the Academy Awards telecast so…here we go…

drives me nuts, star jones
camera shots from waist up
who are you wearing?

shortest show ever!
three hours twelve minutes!
chris rock is da man!

best art direction
beauty pageant format, yuck
and the winner is

poor minnie driver
beyonce singing phantom
i’m a survivor

hilary, jamie
boxing chick, piano man
well deserved awards

meet the focker folks
strange pairing for best picture
dirty harry wins

So I’m watching The Jen Schefft Bachelorette Experience: The Rejected Men Tell All last night, and I was wondering…why on Earth did they invite Andrew Firestone back? Why? WHY?

That had to be one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen. What did the producers expect, that Andrew would leap up into the air and shout, “I LOVE…THIS…WOMAN!” and effectively try to undo what has happened over the past two years? What Andrew thinks is really a moot point…or is it? His interview was just absurd. He talked too fast, got way too wound up (even by Snarky’s standards) and seemed…dare I utter the word…defensive.

My favorite part? The highly rehearsed “questions from the audience” which included some gems like, “If Jen wanted to get back together, would you?” Yes. In a second. I’d whisk her back to the vineyard where I would expect her to be barefoot and pregnant nine months out of the year because, well, I was upfront with all of the women as to what the life would be like.

In another moronic “twist” this season, apparently, the Jenster turned down one proposal and the other poor schmuck is still waiting for an answer to his. We’ll hear the answer next week on the After the Rose special. Guess that sort of solves the whole “How do we cope with being away from each other for three months” ooey-gooey romantic angst that generally follows the final episode of each Bachelor/Bachelorette season.

And, Febreze kept himself in the closet but boy, did those other bachelors get catty and snarly. Easy there, ladies.

It takes a lot for me to say that.

In an effort to get me out of the house and into the fresh air at least once a day, I have reintroduced the concept of daily walks for me and the dogs. They have different walking styles, so I need to take them out separately.

I took Daisy out first today and about 3/4 of the way through, I tripped on the sidewalk on one of those spots where one area is higher than the other. Of course, I plunge forward, slam my hands and elbow into the ground first and then my left knee went crashing into the sidewalk.

And…I let go of Daisy. She ran into the street.

We were walking along one of those neighborhood streets that has a posted speed limit of 30 MPH and is rather curvy, but clueless people carelessly speed through there anyway. I was scared shitless. Daisy’s never been in the road before. Ever. We’ve never let our dogs roam around and in six years, she’s never been disconnected from me when we’ve been out on a walk.

I didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know what to do. I called her. She stood there, frozen but was several hundred feet away from me and I was still getting my bearings straight after hitting the ground so hard.

Of course, some jackass mom with two kids in an SUV careens around the corner, I assume spots Daisy and then LAYS ON THE HORN so God forbid she doesn’t have to slow down. Nice lesson to teach your kids. This petrifies Daisy so she runs further away. Another car zips by before I put myself in the middle of the street with my hand up to stop traffic and get my dog.

The next car honked at me so I lowered four of my fingers.

I walked slowly towards Daisy and told her to sit. She did. Good doggie. I stepped on her leash and carried her the rest of the way home. She’s fine…was scared but is okay now. Me on the other hand…my right hand and left knee are all scraped up and bleeding and I’m still shaking. Ow.

The biggest casualty though, was my iPod. It looks about the same as my right hand, except with a nice big scratch right down the center of the LCD screen. Goddammit.

The moral of the story? Slow the hell down, people. And step outside of your bubble for half a second once in awhile to think about the other creatures in the world.

Come here Daisy…come back into the telecommuting cave with Momma.

For all you Neela-haters out there, it had to be a tough episode of ER to watch last night, since it was primarily about her and the ongoing relationship she’s maintained with Dr. Michael “I was on that other show filmed in Hawaii. No, the other other one” Gallant.

We split our viewing time between County General where Neela contiues to psych herself out, especially in the presence of RatPratt and Iraq, where Cap’n Pierce et al put our fighting men and women back together (insert theme song from M.A.S.H. here).

I was so happy to see Gallant again. I thought he was jolted off the show at the end of last season rather abruptly and, after seeing one episode of Hawaii, figured he’d be back. And back, he will be…at least temporarily, as he’s transporting a critical young, Iraqi burn patient (victim of a car bomb) back to County General for treatment. And here, I thought all that would happen was that Neela would FedEx the arms of that one woman to Gallant.

We also discovered that Neela can knock back a fair amount of Knob Creek Whiskey and still be coherent enough to say “No” to no-strings-attached, casual sex with a cute guy. That is sooooooooo unrealistic. Really.

Hang in there honey…your man is coming home. LOL.

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We were wondering when last night’s episode of The O.C. was taped, because the inclement weather is mighty coincidental. And, for the record, I lived in Southern California for nearly five years and…it rained. Not often, but enough to where we all owned an umbrella.

Yay! Lindsay’s moving! Yay! Lindsay’s moving…and, not just to Riverside or Chino or some other socially taboo, but still accessible via Ryan’s bicycle, city but to The Windy City, Chicago. Au revoir, mon cheri.

The UberHusband and I cracked up laughing every time Alex and Marissa would leer at each other, then that boom-chicka-bow-wow music would start up. I cracked up laughing when the two of them moved in together and talk immediately turned to dishes and taking out the garbage. Ha.

I read in the newspaper yesterday that Seth & Summer’s real-life personas were hoping and praying their characters didn’t hook back up on the show, because it might be detrimental to their real-life romantic relationship.

No dice. In one of the sweetest, funniest romantic scenes I’ve seen in a long time, a bad satellite signal, combined with Spiderman mask as wet-weather hat, left our hero Seth hanging upside down from the roof as Summer was rushing from the airport (leaving Boring Zach and His Annoying Family at the airport with one less bridesmaid and a copy of The Economist) to reconcile with him.

Groan.

No…please…Summer…don’t kiss the upside-down Spiderman in the rain…no…don’t do it…no…NO…damn. She did it.

The scene that ran a close second though…Kirsten and Julie sitting around, drinking scotch and smoking cigars while discussing their increasingly crappy lives. The Quote of the Week comes from Julie, after Kirsten dumps the whole Sandy/Rebecca saga on her: “I’ll see your fugitive former flame and raise you a lesbian daughter.” Hee.

Survivor Rule #3,421,903: Never, ever, ever wear teeny tiny underwear once you depart on your Survivor journey. Never. Ever. This means you, Angie. Demi-cup bras and string bikinis do not serve you well and I’m sure last night wasn’t the only night we’ll have to see blurry spots over your boobs.

Survivor Rule #6,325: Don’t hook up with a fellow castaway. Bahston Rob and Ambuh of The Smokin’ Ass were the exception, not the rule. Furthermore, if you choose to “become more intimate” with one female castaway than any of the others, don’t pick the one who will go to Tribal Council and say with a doe-eyed expression that it never occurred to her until that very moment that a romantic relationship might alienate her from the other tribemates. Just a tip from Auntie Snarky.

Last night was the first full episode I’ve seen of Lost in a few weeks. And of course, because Jin thinks Michael has something going on with his wife and is less than congenial with the guy, Michael thinks Jin is the one that set their Only Chance Off The Island ablaze. Sawyer bought a ticket on the Raft to Nowhere and proceeds to beat the crap out of Jin because, well…the guy doesn’t speak English and he always looks cranky and pissed off, which must mean he’s guilty.

Until…Sun opens her mouth and full sentences of English come out, defending her husband and shocking everyone! Dum da DUM! As you would expect, Jin is less than excited about her ability to communicate and, despite her pleas (in both English and Korean) that she loves him and wants things to go back to the way they were…he says it’s too late and moves out of the house which, in the Lost world…means he moves to the beach. Hmm. Sounds like what Jimmy Cooper did on The O.C.

Fun. But then again, Locke hasn’t had his “Everyone gets a second chance on the island” pep talk with either Sun or Jin yet, so…be patient. They’ll get there.

Jin’s backstory this week didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, other than the fact that Jin turned into a jackassy social climber who was embarrassed of his father because…the guy’s a fisherman? Wait. That’s it? Your father-in-law wields his mighty fist of economic fury by beating the crap out of corporate and government officials and you’re ashamed of what your dad does? In a rather touching scene when Jin confesses all of this to his father, Papa Wisdom tells Jin to get his head out of his butt and realize that his wife and his marriage are more important than his responsibilities to Papa Korean Mafia.

See? This is what happens when you think people are wonderful and admirable just because they have money and power.

So now I’m understanding this a bit better. Sun was prepared to disappear to the United States while she and Jin were in Sydney to get away from her husband, and Jin was prepared to disappear to the United States with Sun to start their life together over and get away from Papa Korean Mafia. And of course, because these two have the world’s worst marital communication skills, neither one knew what the other was thinking so they hopped on a plane and crashed into an island.

Speaking of Korean soap operas, check out Tropical Nights in December. The family patriarch is a hoot. Of course, you can only see it in Hawaii and Korea but hey…if you’re ever in either one of those places…it’s an entertaining way to spend an hour.

Anyone else notice that Hurley was on the television set at the Minister of Expensive Pedigreed Pups’s house?

Sayid and Shannon mack, after Locke gives Shannon the Second Chance Pep Talk and tells her to basically quit giving Boone what he so desperately craves, which is Shannon’s attention. Duh.

Over a game of backgammon, Locke confesses to Walt that he knows Walt set the raft on fire. Walt’s been moving his whole life, doesn’t want to move anymore and…he likes the island. So does Locke. So does Sun, who, now that she’s at least temporarily free from her husband…can frolick on the beach in her bikini.

You go, girl.

I read that Rosemary’s ClaireBaby will be born during the season finale. Shocker.

Does anyone else out there watch Law & Order: Sport Utility Vehicle? For many years now, this has been my Friday night, then Tuesday night television staple. I’m all about the reruns on USA, as well.

I was absolutely crushed when they forced ADA Alexandra Cabot into marrying Iron Chef Bobby Flay the Witness Protection Program to save her from South American Smuglords and their Irish Republican Army terrorist lackeys.

What would they do with her? Turns out, they set her up in a nice little house in Wisconsin where she works for an insurance company (”Bring me something I can process!“) and is involved with a man who calls her by her fake name, Emily, in bed. Ouch.

When the UberHusband and I saw the cute little neighborhood she lived in, we decided that ADA Alexandra Cabot needs to move to Wisteria Lane. Seriously. Want to talk about someone with a past…Alex is your girl!

My little brain just starts a’fluttering when I think of all the plot points that could come out of Mark Cherry cross-networking my favorite ADA (next to Angie Harmon’s Abbie Carmichael, of course) and moving her into Mrs. Huber’s old house. Bwa ha ha. But, she’d figure out everyone’s secrets and realize Paul killed her home’s former tenant in about fifteen seconds, effectively ending the show after a single season.

Even better…The O.C.’s DJ makes a return appearance and leads me to speculate whether they plan on bringing him on board full-time. Sport Utility Vehicle could use some new blood. Munch and Ice-T are getting old and grumpy…again…imagine the pastabilities.

And by the way…Iron Chef Bobby Flay…this is your third marriage. Congrats but don’t mess it up with my girl, m’kay?

Why is it…in my little corner of the world, we have severe thunderstorms only at the following times:

I love watching SuperNanny. And Super Nanny Jo…she’s the bomb. She’s cute, direct, doesn’t take crap from the parents and I bet she’d be a hoot to party with.

My favorite thing? The innovation known as the Naughty Fill In The Blank. If the kid’s little and he/she misbehaves, you give him one chance to straighten up and fly right. If that’s a no-go, you put him/her in the Naughty Corner or on the Naughty Step or someplace nearby that will now be the punishment zone. The offending party sits there for one minute for each year of age and it needs to be a place they clearly do not want to be for any length of time for the technique to work.

The UberHusband and I liked the idea of the Naughty Oven, the Naughty Dishwasher and the Naughty Dryer, too.

Last night, Jo put Hell Spawn Daughter Jadyn in the Naughty Room because she was six and no one thought the Naughty Step would be isolating or desensitizing enough for her. Plus, to be honest, I think she would have just torn out the carpet and started dismantling the staircase.

This is brilliance. Sheer brilliance. Imagine the possibilities for those of us in the adult world. Husband pisses you off? Off he goes to the Naughty Craft Room for 32 minutes.

Wife grating on your nerves? Banish her to the Naughty Tool Shed for 39 minutes.

Folks at work driving you nuts? Walk them over to the Naughty Irritating Tech Support Guy’s Desk for 56 minutes and tell them to stay put. That’ll show ‘em.

Dogs barking too much? Park their little paws in the Naughty Bathtub for six minutes.

Love it, love it, love it! Who knows, maybe your husband will somehow learn how to knit.

And You Thought Your Wedding Was A Pain In The Ass To Plan: After having to change venues from Windsor Castle to the Jolly Good Little White Secular Wedding Chapel, Prince Charles and Future Princess Consort Camilla, under Britain’s 1994 Marriage Act, may have to allow commoners (oh, the humanity!) to attend their wedding and object to the nuptials if so desired.

Speaking Of Weddings…Child rapist/Princess Consort Mary Kay LeTourneau and her victim/fiance, Milli Vanilli, have a rather significant bridal registry set up at Bon-Macy’s. I’m not sure which I find most offensive, the fact that these two are getting married, the fact that they have more on their wedding registry than I did or…the fact that people seem to be buying them stuff.

Million Dollar Surprise: Seen Million Dollar Baby yet? My mom, the UberHusband and I went and saw it Saturday afternoon. Great movie…great acting…and the best surprise in my opinion since the he/she eye-popper that was The Crying Game.

Look At Me, I’m Squeaky Clean: Sandra Dee, best known for her beloved surf-chick-with-a-heart-of-gold character in the Gidget movies, has died at age 63.

All In: Jeff Gordon wins his third Daytona 500 race, guaranteeing he will not be back for another round of Celebrity Poker Publicity Showdown on Bravo.

I Still Do Not…Have…Anthrax: Dan Rather will host his own farewell tribute March 9 on CBS, guaranteeing the viewing public that if he tells any untruths, he literally will have no one to blame but himself.

practice safe sex, kids
andy not randy, daughter?
lawn boy back again

leads abstinence club
not running for second term
bree not good counsel

tom is moving up
sabotage husband’s career
he’s happy, really

cute heart shaped pancakes
drug trafficking, manslaughter
susan’s heart destroyed

new yard boy needs love
koo koo kachoo gabrielle
may be broke, not poor

sneak out to party
zach shows creepy true colors
bang bang, you are dead

wait, randy andy!
missing boxers, caught in pool
is that new lawn boy?

When you go in and check your work e-mails, you know your vacation is officially over.

I can’t complain. I had nearly two weeks of sunshine, relaxation and quality time with the UberHusband. It’s going to be tough having him leave and go to work tomorrow morning but alas, that is the reality for those of us who aren’t independently wealthy and can’t enjoy a life of permanent leisure.

Since I did an abhorrent job of keeping up with my trip while I was actually on it, I’ll be posting this week about it (in addition to everything else) and pointing out the hits and misses in terms of accommodations, activities, dining, etc.

I can’t tell you how great it was to watch the season finale of The Amazing Race and then go out the next day and visit all the places the three final teams visited…minus the skydiving onto the Sand Bar in the middle of Kaneohe Bay.

If only I had been able to get a picture of the chick in the g-string bikini. Oh well. Maybe next time.

missus solis poor
sleep better on a serta
make the help pretty

evil child thieves
need adult supervision
hop to it lynette

rex admits to bree
need to be dominated
handcuffs sparkly clean!

susan short short skirt
romantic dinner, mike shot
think fast pal, cops here

Awww…it’s Valentine’s Day and there’s nothing like a tale of star-crossed lovers to show us the true spirit of the day.

Ha.

We’re moving up to the North Shore this afternoon, which means the frenetic pace of Waikiki that has been carrying me along like a 15-year-old in a mosh pit will come to a screeching halt tonight. I can’t seem to get my camera to hook up to the UberHusband’s laptop properly (dude, you’ve got a Dell!), but will catch up on my travelogue in the next couple of days.

I did spy the g-string bikini diva who was all over His Royal Daunte-ness earlier in the trip yesterday at the pool but, again, didn’t have my camera. Who’d have thought lightning would actually strike twice for me?

Aloha!

It’s Pro Bowl week here at the Hilton Hawaiian Village. Want to know what Daunte Culpepper orders at the Hau Tree Bar on a warm, sunny day?

“Vodka cranberry…Belvedere if you’ve got it.”

And to think, I thought people were gathering around me and the UberHusband because they were fans of my blog and recognized me from my photo.

He also likes his women with itty bitty g-string bikinis. Itty. Bitty.

It’s a bittersweet day for me…on the one hand, the UberHusband and I successfully stayed awake until 2 a.m. Dallas time (10 p.m. local time) to watch the season finale of The Amazing Race but on the other hand, had to watch Nancy Boy and Kendra win after being awake for twenty hours. I felt like I was on The Amazing Race.

I was NOT happy. I so badly wanted Kris & Jon to win. Oh well.

What was fun was watching the three remaining teams tool around Honolulu (we’re going to check some of the locales out; sorry, no skydiving), watching Hayden & Aaron quit (Losers! You’re losers!) and listening to Phil comment at the very beginning of the episode how Adam was afraid of or had some sort of significant issue with practically every single challenge he was presented with. Hee.

Three weeks until we get to watch Team Survivor race around the world for yet another million bucks. I don’t have a problem with Ambuh and Boston Rahb competing, I just don’t want the seventh season of the show to be all about them because they’re the season’s gimmick team.

Damn…it’s early. 5:42 a.m. to be exact. Time to find Snarky some Kona coffee. Did I mention the Pro Bowl is out here this weekend?

That’s my favorite Hawaiian word. Want to impress your friends? Say it without stuttering…it takes practice, but it’s certainly an achievable goal.

Well, we’re outta here in a few hours but I’m still planning on blogging a bit while on vacation and hopefully posting some photos of the Japanese sex kitten chic lovelies. Only in Honolulu can you see a Japanese person wearing Chanel sunglasses, a Prada miniskirt, a Juicy Couture shirt and Hermes shoes riding around on a Segway with a Louis Vuitton backpack. I say “person” because there’s an equal chance it will be a guy.

Don’t forget…the season finale of The Amazing Race is on tonight! Go Kris & Jon!

Aloha!

I can’t wait to get out of town. I enjoy my job, I love my home…love my friends and love my doggies but I NEED A VACATION. I desperately need to be 3500 miles away from my laptop for a few days…or ten.

Fortunately, I’m now to the “counting down the hours” point.

In weekend news, Dell came over to Casa de Snark yesterday afternoon to watch the Super Bowl, which consisted of eating guacamole, dip, Rachael Ray chili minus the mac and general hanging out.

She also knitted me this kick-ass cozy for my iPod, so my precious technogadget doesn’t get scratched up. The toast crumbs to the left are from breakfast this morning.

My favorite Super Bowl moment came after the actual game, during The Simpsons. Comic Book Guy is talking to Ned Flanders, wearing a shirt that says, “Nerds do it rarely.”

Ha.

Philadelpia Eagles over the New England Patriots…1,013 to 6.

And, Paul McCartney will have a toupee malfunction which will shock the world.

Just as I was finishing up iTunesapalooza this morning, who should show up on my front door but my friendly FedEx delivery guy with my iPod Mini. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the free version (thanks to those who tried to help me out) because of referral problems and after elevating my blood pressure more than a couple of points, I just said “Screw it” and bought one.

It’s blue. It’s engraved. It’s 80% charged. I have 2.3 GB of music to transfer over.

I wish I hadn’t seen this…damn the UberHusband for saying, “Kate Spade needs to make an iPod case” and basically forcing me to Google it.

The good thing about yesterday’s music overload was that I was able to listen to CDs I hadn’t touched in years, such as:

Toad the Wet Sprocket – Dulcinea
Michael Jackson – Thriller
Alanis Morissette – Jagged Little Pill
The Sundays – reading, writing and arithmetic
REM – Eponymous

Hootie & the Blowfish – Cracked Rear View

I also listened to the soundtracks of some of my favorite movies…

So I Married an Axe Murderer
When Harry Met Sally
Clueless
Say Anything

Singles
Reality Bites
That Thing You Do!
Hope Floats
Living Out Loud
Tin Cup

Now I just have to put all the CDs back where they belong and clean up the large mess I made in my office.

It was a bad day for Dr. Pratt on ER last night. First his woman disses him, saying that he doesn’t have a grown-up enough job (those damn Chicago women are so demanding), snits at Susan that he never had to have his work approved before (uh, other than earlier that day, with his ex-woman), and gets in the middle of a Kovac-Dubenko stethoscope measuring contest.

Then…then…he pulls rank on Social Worker Wendall and sends an obviously abused kid home to get the crap kicked out of him by a quartet of delinquent sixth graders and the child eventually dies.

“That would have been great had one of them been Sam’s kid.” – The UberHusband

Sucks to be him, but in the end he’s vindicated as he saunters into the trendy Chicago eatery where Miss “I need me a REAL MAN with a REAL JOB to keep me in REAL LEATHER HANDBAGS” is dining with her fellow ballbusters and informs her that his job is about as grown-up as it gets. Now at this point, for some reason I expected a fight or something but Pratt just closes with, “I don’t know what you’re looking for, but I hope you find it.”

What? A classy move? This isn’t the Pratt I’ve come to know and loathe.

In other news, no uncomfortable glances between Neela & Kovac, ER is coming dangerously close to sharkjump territory by discussing the unethical practice of taking pharmaceutical company money to run County General for the second episode in a row and Morris still has a job.

Hey Carter…I have two options for you. Either go back to the Congo where pharmaceutical companies are non-existent, or cough up some of that Carter Foundation cash and help Susan out. She’s making medical students inventory computers and educational equipment for crying out loud Carter, that’s a desperate cry for help!

Did I mention that Abby and Jake mack in the final scene, as soon as she declares his ER rotation complete? Sweeeeeet!

February sweeps begins with next week’s episode, where we find out Kerry is…adopted, I assume? It would have been so much better had she come out of the closet as a lesbian. Oh wait, already did that.

Mr. Wong is back. Here’s his latest email to me, regarding my recaps of The Amazing Race over at TVTome.com, which is basically what you see here on my blog.

Reading your review is like reading a really really really long boring book. Might as well go read a book than reading your “review.”

This is the third email I’ve received from Mr. Wong and I have to wonder, what kind of loser continues to read something he obviously doesn’t like?

Former The Bachelorette bachelorette Meredith and Ian have broken up.

Apparently failing to realize that not only has the public’s interest in The Bachelor franchise waned significantly, but that the bland twosome were never exactly a Brad and Jen power couple, Meredith and Ian are also reportedly asking the media and fans to allow them to “move forward with their lives.”

Now that Febreze has decided he doesn’t want to marry Jen, that leaves him free to get lost in the wonder of Meredith’s cowl-necked sweaters. That’s all these wacky kids do, right? Keep showing up on derivative versions of the same reality show?

Previously on The Amazing Race, Kendra suffered from Ethiopia’s Revenge, three teams shared the fantasy and Lori gave Bolo a stern talking-to on the Mat of Judgment as the Philiminator declared them the last team to arrive. After watching last week’s video recap, the UberHusband said Lori reminded him of either the bus driver or Kenny’s mom on South Park.

Four teams and two episodes remain. Who will be eliminated…next?

Opening credits…taking a walk down memory lane…remember the Mormon Bikini Team? And, the New York ladies…who were they, Carrie and Miranda?

Welcome to Sarika Lanka (shout-out to my eliminated homeboy, Bolo) and a giant rock with a hotel nearby, the 9th pit stop in a race around the world.

After twelve hours of apparently nothing but mingling since all of the teams do nothing but gripe about being tired and hungry, Kris and Jon depart first at 11:59 p.m.

Kris has washed her hair and looks older than ever. Poor thing. Clue rip. Teams must hop a plane and fly 4,000 miles to Shanghai, China. Once there, they have to find Yu Yuan Wan gardens and search for their next clue. They have $142 for this leg of the race. The two of them talk about how competitive the race is and how they have to buckle down and so on and so forth.

It’s the middle of the freaking night (shout-out to my eliminated homegirl Lori), no one is flying anywhere until the next day.

As I wind down my second season of doing these recaps, I’m noticing that as the number of teams decrease (decreases?), the less I have to say. Maybe it’s because I’m burnt out. Maybe it’s because most of the dorks with soundbite-worthy things to say have been eliminated. Maybe there’s too much race and not enough vibraty.

Who knows.

Anyhoo…Aaron enlightens us that Hayden is very bullheaded and it’s her way or the highway…you don’t say. Honestly, how many times do we have to hear this? For some reason, this is the Amazing Producer’s stock departure quip from Aaron…I guess to somehow explain why she’s such a nutjob while en route to the various pit stops. In case you forgot from last week, they just want to ensure you know that Hayden is bullheaded. Got it? We all clear? Alright. Moving on. Hayden orders her taxi driver to move. Please. The two of them talk about how competitive the race is and how they have to buckle down and so on and so forth.

Freddy & Kendra depart third and I noticed she said they only had $141 for this leg of the race. Why a dollar less than Kris & Jon, other than obviously the Amazing Accountants like Kris & Jon better? The two of them talk about how competitive the race is and how they have to buckle down and so on and so forth. Freddy, you’re such a nancy boy.

Team Potato Head departs last. “Adam and I will not ever give up. If we can just curb our arguing and pull it together, I don’t see why we couldn’t win.” I see why you couldn’t win. You won’t curb your arguing and you can’t pull it together. There’s a difference between yin & yang and oil & water. Yin and yang are complimentary…oil and water make a good salad dressing with the right spices. You two, my friends, are oil and water, with no Good Seasonings packet in sight…and I think you’ve only gotten this far because Rebecca’s such a stud.

As Adam & Rebecca head off in their taxi, Adam spoke to their cab driver in what I thought was his native alien language but in reality, it was someone else telling their cab driver to take them to the Colombo Airport. Thank God. I thought the “I Love My Mother!” Ship was calling him home, which would be really crappy timing for Rebecca.

The other unfortunate thing about the final episodes is they start to get…really…dull. Obviously with less people, there’s less dialogue and with less people, the tasks take less time and they are fewer and farther between. Clues haven’t started taking people to do certain things that seem rather mundane to the rest of us, like a Detour that allows people to eat or go to the bathroom. One or the other. That sort of thing.

At the airport…the teams want to go fast, fast, fast! And they want to get to Shanghai AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. You know, I want to take this approach when we go to Hawaii next week. I’ll start busting in front of people at the ticket counter (hmm..we always do the electronic kiosk thing) and bellow, ‘WE’RE IN A RACE! A RACE AROUND THE WORLD! I HEART PHIL!” Heh. I bet the UberHusband would love for me to do that. Heh.

Poor Adam…he’s trying to assert himself again at the airport.

Adam: “I’m gonna go to that ticket counter,and I’m gonna buy some tickets.”

Rebecca: “Just let me deal with it, honey.”
Adam: “No!”
Rebecca: “Please…please.”
Adam: “No!”
Rebecca: “You’re really gonna piss me off.”

But hey…they got tickets.

Welcome to Shanghai, China which interestingly enough, looks like Tomorrowland to me. Each season, the teams go somewhere where the language barrier just kicks their butts. And, it’s usually somewhere in Asia. This season, it’s Tomorrowland.

Freddy has a lot to say about Team Potato Eyes. “The poor little ones. They are so clueless and lost. Rebecca attaches herself to somebody, then just watches whatever they do and does the same thing and then, I mean, {squeaky nancy boy voice} they’ve gotten this far! I mean, poor Adam isn’t assertive enough to do it on his own.”

Freddy and Kendra think the other one looks sexy. Maybe they’re saying they think they themselves look sexy. (“Just because you’re in first place, that doesn’t mean she’s sexy.” -the UberHusband)

More fun from the Hayden & Aaron side as they lag 20 minutes behind the other teams and are still trying to snag a taxi:

Hayden: “Aaron, he’s ripping us off.”

Aaron: “Oh shut up, Hayden.”
Hayden: “Aaron…we got RIPPED OFF. YOU get RIPPED OFF when you just give cab drivers money and I’m not gonna let it happen anymore. We don’t HAVE any money and you know who’s has to ASK for it and make an ASS out of themselves?”
Snarky: “Um, you Hayden?”
Hayden: “I DO. If you wanna go and start asking everyone for money…”
Aaron: “Blah blah blah…Hayden, shut up. Just be quiet.”

Hayden: “Don’t tell me to shut up.”
Snarky: “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, BE QUIET! FOR TEN MINUTES! PLEASE!”

The teams are driven all over the city and finally stop at a hotel to find out where in the hell they are. The front desk person tells them the garden is a two minute walk, but it doesn’t appear to be as simple as that. Kendra wants to go down the ghetto street. I swear, if an area doesn’t have a PF Chang’s, that girl thinks they’re in the ghetto.

Oh wait…but they really are. You know they are if Kris says they’re in the Harlem of Shanghai. That would be a great name for a rock band. Harlem of Shanghai. Hey, no worse than Bowling For Soup. Hayden & Aaron are also lost…she gives the cab driver the Talk To The Hand/Stop! In The Name Of Love hand signal and orders Hayden to go fix everything he screwed up before she hyperventilates. Hee. After all that, the garden doesn’t open until 8:30 a.m. so they head back to aforementioned hotel.

Inside the garden the next morning, the teams have a tragically short amount of time to take in the scenery. Freddy & Kendra find the clue box first. Clue rip. Teams must now find a taxi (ha ha ha ha ha!) and go to the Huaneng Union Tower and “search around it” for their next clue. And by the way, there’s a Yield up ahead.

Teams are having a humdinger of a time figuring out how to hail taxis. Some of that “research” would have worked now, huh Kendra? Kendra thinks people won’t stop because she’s American…no, it’s because no one wants to be around someone embarrassingly flailing their arms about and lurching into oncoming traffic.

Side note by the UberHusband:

“Here’s how you get things done in China. No one wants to help or do anything, but if you said your supervisor needed you and would be mad if you don’t get to where you need to go, Chinese people will bend over backwards to help you out. No one wants to have their supervisor mad. They will make their lives miserable. Of course, you won’t know this unless you or someone you know has been but…for future reference.”

At Huaneng Union Tower, in the least strategic move ever, Freddy & Kendra yield Adam & Rebecca…who are already in last place, as revenge for yielding them in Ethiopia. Dumbasses. That move alone should disqualify them from winning the million dollars. Seriously. If they were smart, which they’re not, they would have yielded the strongest team but noooooooooo, they’re out for blood and decide to give a little payback to Team Potato Head. Kendra makes the Nelson-From-The Simpsons “Ha HAAAAAAAAAAA” sound.

Clue rip. Roadblock! Okay. This was confusing. I will quote Phil exactly:

“That person has to make their way to the top of this 40 story skyscraper, sit in this window washer’s chair and lower themselves to the marked window below. Then, they’ll have to wash the glass until they reveal the written message. When they think they know what the message is, they must lower themselves to the ground and tell a supervisor the message to receive the clue.”

While an awesome task…and come on, it’s not that scary…can you imagine if you lowered yourself and on the way down, oh, let’s say, forgot what the message was? What do you do, go back up and start over? How much would that suck? That would be freaking Lori misfortune. We were really confused until people started yelling the secret phrase to no one in particular, getting approval, then shimmying down to the bottom.

Kendra has a fear of heights and wants to face her fears head-on…except fears involving ghettos and their scary breeding practices. Let’s leave those locked away, mkay?

Hayden & Aaron arrive at the clue box. Hayden also does the Nelson-From-The Simpsons laugh and points. Hayden sends Aaron up to wash windows, then comes out of the tower to see Adam & Rebecca circling the building looking for the clue box. She…giggle…hides behind a tree. “Adam’s coming right now and uh, I’m hiding behind a palm tree.” Yeah. Okay. You’re American and wearing a bright pink shirt…no one’s going to see you. Good plan. Oh wait, Adam has spotted you…run and hide behind that lamp post!

Kris & Jon…remember them? They’re in last place thanks to an inept taxi driver.

Kendra’s window-washing assistant, Mu Shu Chicken, hugs her for good luck and sends her on her way to wash the window. Aaron follows quickly after her.

Jon & Kris’s armor is showing a crack as Kris raises her voice half a decibel when saying, “Stop.” Adam & Rebecca see this as a sign that Team Sweethearts is falling apart. Sure, they’re rattled…but not because their team is falling apart. At least they didn’t get yielded. Kris! Listen to Snarky! The phrase is “tai chi”!!!!

Aaron makes it down first. Clue-rip. Teams must now find the Monument to the People’s Heroes and a group of tai chi performers (ohhhhhhh…I get it…tai chi!), then find one of four masters who will give them their next clue. When Rob asked me yesterday what I did to relax and I said nothing…that I never relax…I’m thinking tai chi might be the ticket if only I could quit spelling it “thai chi.”

Meanwhile, back at Bickeryield Central, Adam & Rebecca gripe and concur with Snarky that the yield should have gone to Kris & Jon. Adam sings, “They’re stupidddddddddd…for being smart people they’re stupidddddddddd.” Strategy-wise, I agree…but it makes no sense for Team Potato Head to self-destruct for something they really had no control over. As a matter of fact, they’re still arguing when the half-hourglass runs out. Adam wants to yell at Freddy and Kendra because they’re stupid. That’s just funny. “We’re done! Why are we arguing?” Rebecca yells. That’s what I was wondering.

Adam actually did something smart while Rebecca was repelling the Big Bad Tower…he found a taxi and held it so it was waiting when she got down to the bottom. Good boy!

Since Hayden has apparently blown off my recommendation of more vibraty, perhaps she should embrace tai chi as her Lord and Savior. Seriously. Maybe she and I can take a class together. That would be great fun. Clue-rip.

Teams must now go to Jiang Pu Road. At the end of the road, teams will find their next clue. Again, we’re getting to the end and I think the Amazing Planners just get bored. At first the clue box locations are exotic and fun and by the time we get down to four teams, the clues read, “Make your way to the bottom of the staircase. Flip over the dead rat, and you will receive your next clue.” Random. Random, I say.

Jiang Pu Road. Detour…and Phil, I’ve seen you wear that outfit before. This week’s Good Choice consists of carrying 300 clay bricks off a barge while balancing them on a single wood plank, then stacking the bricks onto a wooden pallet. Bad Choice is loading two 220 lb. blocks of ice onto flatbed tricycles, take the trikes to a little known fish market, then break down the ice. Without Gus & Hera or Jonathan Baker & the V-Chip, we don’t have anyone left to do the Bad Choices. Boo.

You just know Good Choice will be fun for the ladies…and Adam. Hayden can do it. “I’m strong.” Uh huh…that attitude lasts for about two minutes before she starts snitting at Aaron that he’s carrying the same weight as her but he’s taller and weighs more…blah blah blah. I just can’t handle listening to Hayden anymore. Seriously…has anyone seen her crack a smile since this season started? I imagine she’s very pretty when not nursing that snarl on her face. Damn, girl. Those bricks do look heavy, though.

Kris & Jon are still off in a taxi somewhere and their driver has taken them about ten blocks in the wrong direction, which does not make Jon a happy person.

Okay, Adam needs to make up his mind. Does he want Rebecca to be nice or bitchy to him? He doesn’t like it when she’s snotty and condescending, but also doesn’t like it when she’s trying to be encouraging (in my opinion) and calling him “honey.” “If you call me ‘honey’ one more time while we’re doing this, you’re dead meat.” “You’re dead meat?” I haven’t heard that expression since middle school. Totally. She asks if he’d prefer she call him “ass.” Yes, he would. Alrighty then.

Hayden & Aaron finish up first. Clue rip. Teams must now travel to the rooftop of the Peace Hotel South and jump over the ledge to receive their next clue. Not really. I added that in for dramatic effect since apparently no one at CBS is going to help me out this episode.

Grabbing Aaron’s arm in the taxi on the way to the Mat of Judgment, Hayden says, “He’s calming and mellow and normal and I’m weird and crazy and neurotic.” She smiles (see, I do notice when she smiles) and Aaron says, “Sexy.” Hayden affirms this. (“Again, just because you’re in first place, that doesn’t mean she’s sexy.” -the UberHusband)

Once at the hotel, we get to watch the teams dodge Shanghai traffic. How much would that suck, getting whacked by a car or bus when you’re that close to the pit stop? I would imagine, that the other teams would just hop over your bleeding body and not stop to render aid. Jeepers…it’s like playing Frogger.

Hayden & Aaron…you are team #1! The good news? They win a vacation to beautiful Hawaii! Please…for the love of God…don’t be at the Hilton Hawaiian Village next week. Please.

Freddy & Kendra…Phil pauses for dramatic effect…you are team #2! There’s talk about payback and Freddy says the next leg will be their best one. Uh…I sure hope so, considering there are only two left. Why not be daring and hold out for the final leg?

Kris & Jon…the incredible disappearing team…dramatic Philpause…you are team #3.

Adam & Rebecca are the last team to arrive…BUT…it’s not an elimination leg! Yay! Take all their money away and watch them try to get money out of the Chinese, which will probably be tougher than getting a cab.

Two hour season finale next week! Yay! Like I’ve said, I’ll be watching this sans TiVo from four time zones earlier than what I’m used to, but I’m hoping I can stay awake and see who wins. Wish me luck. : :

I didn’t see my shadow this morning…that means six more weeks of American Idol round-the-country “auditions.”

The only other black mark against The Wallpaper Guy…five minutes ago, he made the incorrect assumption that the UberHusband did all the paint touch-ups in the kitchen last night:

“Wow. Your husband touched up all the paint. Good job, he did!”

“Thanks, but I did it.”

I knocked him over the head with his ladder and threw him in the back of the Jeep. Broken champagne flutes are one thing…assuming The Little Woman couldn’t have possibly taxed her little self by painting? An entirely different matter.

Now I just need to dispose of him before it starts snowing.

Bwa ha ha.

You know the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise is continuing it’s downward spiral when it starts blatantly ripping off elements of far superior reality shows.

We’re down to the final six on The Jen Schefft Bachelorette Experience. I guess I can deal with the whole love letter-writing campaign, although most married women will tell you that she didn’t decide to accept her husband’s proposal because he had a way with prose.

Anyhoo, the men who tickled Jen’s verbal fancy were Ryan (whom I like) and Jerry (whom I don’t) and they got to go on Exciting! Romantic! Dates! with Jen. Ryan’s date consisted of a ride on a fire truck and then takeout food by candlelight. How very Carrie Bradshaw. Jerry’s date consisted of dinner with musical accompaniment by Faux Harry Connick, Jr. Then, in the most shocking date conversation ever…gasp…Jerry had the nerve, nay, the good sense…to basically ask Jen if she was there for the right reasons. Ha.

Now, I’m not Jerry’s biggest fan, but we spend all of these weeks listening to Jen wax poetic about her potential suitors being there for the right reasons. Let’s exercise some of that equal time thing! If I’m going to compete with a gaggle of other men, I want to know that she is here for the right reasons and doesn’t just want to avenge the Firestone Prophecy.

Although initially irritated by this line of questioning, just a few short minutes later Jen was dancing and making out with Jerry next to a glistening pool…whatever. The one funny thing about this is, before Jerry showed up at Jen’s sexy loft, she was saying that if the writer was who she thought it was, she had a bit of a crush on him and could see where things went. Since she never said anything about it again, I’m guessing Jerry wasn’t the crush.

The group date consisted of eating pizza in Little Italy. Oh boy. Where do I sign up. Kermit tried desperately to make up for lost time but buddy, there just ain’t no connection. You can’t force one just because your clock is ticking. After yet another awkward conversation with Febreze, Chris Harrison shows up (unannounced!) and tells the Jenster to hop into a limo and go to the Empire State Building, because he needs to talk to the boys.

And with that, we begin The Amazing Bachelorette Race! Six bachelors remain. Who will be eliminated…next?

Roadblock!

A Roadblock is a task that only four bachelors can perform. In this Roadblock, bachelors must give up their wallets, cash and dignity and find their way to this urban structure, the Empire State Building. Once there, bachelors must have their hopes dashed as they realize the elevators won’t take them anywhere and they must defer to the Almighty Staircase. Once at the top, they must find the yellow and red route marker bouquet of red roses, and Jen will give them the clue they’ve been lacking. And, they’ll get the final one-on-one date.

The last one to arrive may be Jeniminated.

This scene was just funny. Three of the guys were running around trying to get to the Empire State Building, begging cab drivers and saying, “We’re in a race! Drive fast! I’m competing against three other guys!” When Jonathan Baker divorces the V-Chip, I want him to come on The Bachelorette so we can see brute force idiocy in it’s purest form.

Cut to Febreze strolling through the nippy autumn New York streets, then cut to Febreze saying that rather than competing with the three other guys, he’s going to just go home. You know Monsieur Le Pew, if you walk about 3,000 blocks the other direction you’ll get to JFK and you can just fly home.

Wendell (yay!) makes it to the top of the Empire State Building and greets the Jeniminator, who declares that he’s the first bachelor to arrive. The good news is, as the winner of this Roadblock, Wendell has won a romantic vacation to…the gift shop at the top of the Empire State Building, where he will sip champagne with Jen and stare at a yummy-looking cake that will probably go uneaten.

Ben and John Paul (can’t say his name without thinking of the guy from American Idol last season) arrive at the top of the Empire State Building, tired, breathless…with their egos shattered. Did the elevators at least take them back down to the lobby? Sure hope so.

In the least dramatic rose ceremony ever, Febreze SHOCKS AMERICA by admitting not to being gay, but to not wanting to marry Jen. Nothing shocking about that, pal. We all knew that. He leaves, then Jen makes the dumbest decision ever by keeping lip-deficient John Paul and unloading Kermie.

Next week, the Jeniminator visits the families of the four remaining bachelors. Good times.

So after sweeping the kitchen floor a dozen times and running the vacuum over it a couple of times, I think all of the glass has been picked up.

I was kind of surprised that so many people thought I should have quartered, tarred and feathered The Wallpaper Guy, but he felt really bad the rest of the afternoon…I could tell, and he told us that the wallpaper job was on him, which was very generous because the cost of the job was more than the replacement value of everything that broke.

That and…well, I think he’s pulling some muscles trying to get the wallpaper around the little vanity windows in our kitchen. Hee.

To be fair and address a couple of things:

The engagement party flutes…we’d actually broken one of those a couple of years back and had replaced it, so it wasn’t the original set anyway. Sorry, Mom! : :

The kitchen looks great, though. When we moved in we had this obnoxious white wallpaper with a vineyard-type pattern in both the kitchen and the attached nook…it was really loud. Really. Loud. At times I felt like the vines were going to crawl off the walls and come choke me in the middle of the night. We painted the kitchen a plum color a couple of years ago and the nook a dark navy blue but grew tired of that. Homeowner’s ADD, I call it.

The tan stripes in the wallpaper are very complimentary with the blue in the nook. Too bad we’ll have to sell the place in six months.

I’d recommend The Wallpaper Guy in a second. Starting with the initial consultation, he’s been nothing but professional, friendly and not scary at all to have in my house. Well, as long as he stays away from all of the breakables.