snarkwifedotcom

Previously on The Amazing Race, Kendra suffered from Ethiopia’s Revenge, three teams shared the fantasy and Lori gave Bolo a stern talking-to on the Mat of Judgment as the Philiminator declared them the last team to arrive. After watching last week’s video recap, the UberHusband said Lori reminded him of either the bus driver or Kenny’s mom on South Park.

Four teams and two episodes remain. Who will be eliminated…next?

Opening credits…taking a walk down memory lane…remember the Mormon Bikini Team? And, the New York ladies…who were they, Carrie and Miranda?

Welcome to Sarika Lanka (shout-out to my eliminated homeboy, Bolo) and a giant rock with a hotel nearby, the 9th pit stop in a race around the world.

After twelve hours of apparently nothing but mingling since all of the teams do nothing but gripe about being tired and hungry, Kris and Jon depart first at 11:59 p.m.

Kris has washed her hair and looks older than ever. Poor thing. Clue rip. Teams must hop a plane and fly 4,000 miles to Shanghai, China. Once there, they have to find Yu Yuan Wan gardens and search for their next clue. They have $142 for this leg of the race. The two of them talk about how competitive the race is and how they have to buckle down and so on and so forth.

It’s the middle of the freaking night (shout-out to my eliminated homegirl Lori), no one is flying anywhere until the next day.

As I wind down my second season of doing these recaps, I’m noticing that as the number of teams decrease (decreases?), the less I have to say. Maybe it’s because I’m burnt out. Maybe it’s because most of the dorks with soundbite-worthy things to say have been eliminated. Maybe there’s too much race and not enough vibraty.

Who knows.

Anyhoo…Aaron enlightens us that Hayden is very bullheaded and it’s her way or the highway…you don’t say. Honestly, how many times do we have to hear this? For some reason, this is the Amazing Producer’s stock departure quip from Aaron…I guess to somehow explain why she’s such a nutjob while en route to the various pit stops. In case you forgot from last week, they just want to ensure you know that Hayden is bullheaded. Got it? We all clear? Alright. Moving on. Hayden orders her taxi driver to move. Please. The two of them talk about how competitive the race is and how they have to buckle down and so on and so forth.

Freddy & Kendra depart third and I noticed she said they only had $141 for this leg of the race. Why a dollar less than Kris & Jon, other than obviously the Amazing Accountants like Kris & Jon better? The two of them talk about how competitive the race is and how they have to buckle down and so on and so forth. Freddy, you’re such a nancy boy.

Team Potato Head departs last. “Adam and I will not ever give up. If we can just curb our arguing and pull it together, I don’t see why we couldn’t win.” I see why you couldn’t win. You won’t curb your arguing and you can’t pull it together. There’s a difference between yin & yang and oil & water. Yin and yang are complimentary…oil and water make a good salad dressing with the right spices. You two, my friends, are oil and water, with no Good Seasonings packet in sight…and I think you’ve only gotten this far because Rebecca’s such a stud.

As Adam & Rebecca head off in their taxi, Adam spoke to their cab driver in what I thought was his native alien language but in reality, it was someone else telling their cab driver to take them to the Colombo Airport. Thank God. I thought the “I Love My Mother!” Ship was calling him home, which would be really crappy timing for Rebecca.

The other unfortunate thing about the final episodes is they start to get…really…dull. Obviously with less people, there’s less dialogue and with less people, the tasks take less time and they are fewer and farther between. Clues haven’t started taking people to do certain things that seem rather mundane to the rest of us, like a Detour that allows people to eat or go to the bathroom. One or the other. That sort of thing.

At the airport…the teams want to go fast, fast, fast! And they want to get to Shanghai AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. You know, I want to take this approach when we go to Hawaii next week. I’ll start busting in front of people at the ticket counter (hmm..we always do the electronic kiosk thing) and bellow, ‘WE’RE IN A RACE! A RACE AROUND THE WORLD! I HEART PHIL!” Heh. I bet the UberHusband would love for me to do that. Heh.

Poor Adam…he’s trying to assert himself again at the airport.

Adam: “I’m gonna go to that ticket counter,and I’m gonna buy some tickets.”

Rebecca: “Just let me deal with it, honey.”
Adam: “No!”
Rebecca: “Please…please.”
Adam: “No!”
Rebecca: “You’re really gonna piss me off.”

But hey…they got tickets.

Welcome to Shanghai, China which interestingly enough, looks like Tomorrowland to me. Each season, the teams go somewhere where the language barrier just kicks their butts. And, it’s usually somewhere in Asia. This season, it’s Tomorrowland.

Freddy has a lot to say about Team Potato Eyes. “The poor little ones. They are so clueless and lost. Rebecca attaches herself to somebody, then just watches whatever they do and does the same thing and then, I mean, {squeaky nancy boy voice} they’ve gotten this far! I mean, poor Adam isn’t assertive enough to do it on his own.”

Freddy and Kendra think the other one looks sexy. Maybe they’re saying they think they themselves look sexy. (“Just because you’re in first place, that doesn’t mean she’s sexy.” -the UberHusband)

More fun from the Hayden & Aaron side as they lag 20 minutes behind the other teams and are still trying to snag a taxi:

Hayden: “Aaron, he’s ripping us off.”

Aaron: “Oh shut up, Hayden.”
Hayden: “Aaron…we got RIPPED OFF. YOU get RIPPED OFF when you just give cab drivers money and I’m not gonna let it happen anymore. We don’t HAVE any money and you know who’s has to ASK for it and make an ASS out of themselves?”
Snarky: “Um, you Hayden?”
Hayden: “I DO. If you wanna go and start asking everyone for money…”
Aaron: “Blah blah blah…Hayden, shut up. Just be quiet.”

Hayden: “Don’t tell me to shut up.”
Snarky: “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, BE QUIET! FOR TEN MINUTES! PLEASE!”

The teams are driven all over the city and finally stop at a hotel to find out where in the hell they are. The front desk person tells them the garden is a two minute walk, but it doesn’t appear to be as simple as that. Kendra wants to go down the ghetto street. I swear, if an area doesn’t have a PF Chang’s, that girl thinks they’re in the ghetto.

Oh wait…but they really are. You know they are if Kris says they’re in the Harlem of Shanghai. That would be a great name for a rock band. Harlem of Shanghai. Hey, no worse than Bowling For Soup. Hayden & Aaron are also lost…she gives the cab driver the Talk To The Hand/Stop! In The Name Of Love hand signal and orders Hayden to go fix everything he screwed up before she hyperventilates. Hee. After all that, the garden doesn’t open until 8:30 a.m. so they head back to aforementioned hotel.

Inside the garden the next morning, the teams have a tragically short amount of time to take in the scenery. Freddy & Kendra find the clue box first. Clue rip. Teams must now find a taxi (ha ha ha ha ha!) and go to the Huaneng Union Tower and “search around it” for their next clue. And by the way, there’s a Yield up ahead.

Teams are having a humdinger of a time figuring out how to hail taxis. Some of that “research” would have worked now, huh Kendra? Kendra thinks people won’t stop because she’s American…no, it’s because no one wants to be around someone embarrassingly flailing their arms about and lurching into oncoming traffic.

Side note by the UberHusband:

“Here’s how you get things done in China. No one wants to help or do anything, but if you said your supervisor needed you and would be mad if you don’t get to where you need to go, Chinese people will bend over backwards to help you out. No one wants to have their supervisor mad. They will make their lives miserable. Of course, you won’t know this unless you or someone you know has been but…for future reference.”

At Huaneng Union Tower, in the least strategic move ever, Freddy & Kendra yield Adam & Rebecca…who are already in last place, as revenge for yielding them in Ethiopia. Dumbasses. That move alone should disqualify them from winning the million dollars. Seriously. If they were smart, which they’re not, they would have yielded the strongest team but noooooooooo, they’re out for blood and decide to give a little payback to Team Potato Head. Kendra makes the Nelson-From-The Simpsons “Ha HAAAAAAAAAAA” sound.

Clue rip. Roadblock! Okay. This was confusing. I will quote Phil exactly:

“That person has to make their way to the top of this 40 story skyscraper, sit in this window washer’s chair and lower themselves to the marked window below. Then, they’ll have to wash the glass until they reveal the written message. When they think they know what the message is, they must lower themselves to the ground and tell a supervisor the message to receive the clue.”

While an awesome task…and come on, it’s not that scary…can you imagine if you lowered yourself and on the way down, oh, let’s say, forgot what the message was? What do you do, go back up and start over? How much would that suck? That would be freaking Lori misfortune. We were really confused until people started yelling the secret phrase to no one in particular, getting approval, then shimmying down to the bottom.

Kendra has a fear of heights and wants to face her fears head-on…except fears involving ghettos and their scary breeding practices. Let’s leave those locked away, mkay?

Hayden & Aaron arrive at the clue box. Hayden also does the Nelson-From-The Simpsons laugh and points. Hayden sends Aaron up to wash windows, then comes out of the tower to see Adam & Rebecca circling the building looking for the clue box. She…giggle…hides behind a tree. “Adam’s coming right now and uh, I’m hiding behind a palm tree.” Yeah. Okay. You’re American and wearing a bright pink shirt…no one’s going to see you. Good plan. Oh wait, Adam has spotted you…run and hide behind that lamp post!

Kris & Jon…remember them? They’re in last place thanks to an inept taxi driver.

Kendra’s window-washing assistant, Mu Shu Chicken, hugs her for good luck and sends her on her way to wash the window. Aaron follows quickly after her.

Jon & Kris’s armor is showing a crack as Kris raises her voice half a decibel when saying, “Stop.” Adam & Rebecca see this as a sign that Team Sweethearts is falling apart. Sure, they’re rattled…but not because their team is falling apart. At least they didn’t get yielded. Kris! Listen to Snarky! The phrase is “tai chi”!!!!

Aaron makes it down first. Clue-rip. Teams must now find the Monument to the People’s Heroes and a group of tai chi performers (ohhhhhhh…I get it…tai chi!), then find one of four masters who will give them their next clue. When Rob asked me yesterday what I did to relax and I said nothing…that I never relax…I’m thinking tai chi might be the ticket if only I could quit spelling it “thai chi.”

Meanwhile, back at Bickeryield Central, Adam & Rebecca gripe and concur with Snarky that the yield should have gone to Kris & Jon. Adam sings, “They’re stupidddddddddd…for being smart people they’re stupidddddddddd.” Strategy-wise, I agree…but it makes no sense for Team Potato Head to self-destruct for something they really had no control over. As a matter of fact, they’re still arguing when the half-hourglass runs out. Adam wants to yell at Freddy and Kendra because they’re stupid. That’s just funny. “We’re done! Why are we arguing?” Rebecca yells. That’s what I was wondering.

Adam actually did something smart while Rebecca was repelling the Big Bad Tower…he found a taxi and held it so it was waiting when she got down to the bottom. Good boy!

Since Hayden has apparently blown off my recommendation of more vibraty, perhaps she should embrace tai chi as her Lord and Savior. Seriously. Maybe she and I can take a class together. That would be great fun. Clue-rip.

Teams must now go to Jiang Pu Road. At the end of the road, teams will find their next clue. Again, we’re getting to the end and I think the Amazing Planners just get bored. At first the clue box locations are exotic and fun and by the time we get down to four teams, the clues read, “Make your way to the bottom of the staircase. Flip over the dead rat, and you will receive your next clue.” Random. Random, I say.

Jiang Pu Road. Detour…and Phil, I’ve seen you wear that outfit before. This week’s Good Choice consists of carrying 300 clay bricks off a barge while balancing them on a single wood plank, then stacking the bricks onto a wooden pallet. Bad Choice is loading two 220 lb. blocks of ice onto flatbed tricycles, take the trikes to a little known fish market, then break down the ice. Without Gus & Hera or Jonathan Baker & the V-Chip, we don’t have anyone left to do the Bad Choices. Boo.

You just know Good Choice will be fun for the ladies…and Adam. Hayden can do it. “I’m strong.” Uh huh…that attitude lasts for about two minutes before she starts snitting at Aaron that he’s carrying the same weight as her but he’s taller and weighs more…blah blah blah. I just can’t handle listening to Hayden anymore. Seriously…has anyone seen her crack a smile since this season started? I imagine she’s very pretty when not nursing that snarl on her face. Damn, girl. Those bricks do look heavy, though.

Kris & Jon are still off in a taxi somewhere and their driver has taken them about ten blocks in the wrong direction, which does not make Jon a happy person.

Okay, Adam needs to make up his mind. Does he want Rebecca to be nice or bitchy to him? He doesn’t like it when she’s snotty and condescending, but also doesn’t like it when she’s trying to be encouraging (in my opinion) and calling him “honey.” “If you call me ‘honey’ one more time while we’re doing this, you’re dead meat.” “You’re dead meat?” I haven’t heard that expression since middle school. Totally. She asks if he’d prefer she call him “ass.” Yes, he would. Alrighty then.

Hayden & Aaron finish up first. Clue rip. Teams must now travel to the rooftop of the Peace Hotel South and jump over the ledge to receive their next clue. Not really. I added that in for dramatic effect since apparently no one at CBS is going to help me out this episode.

Grabbing Aaron’s arm in the taxi on the way to the Mat of Judgment, Hayden says, “He’s calming and mellow and normal and I’m weird and crazy and neurotic.” She smiles (see, I do notice when she smiles) and Aaron says, “Sexy.” Hayden affirms this. (“Again, just because you’re in first place, that doesn’t mean she’s sexy.” -the UberHusband)

Once at the hotel, we get to watch the teams dodge Shanghai traffic. How much would that suck, getting whacked by a car or bus when you’re that close to the pit stop? I would imagine, that the other teams would just hop over your bleeding body and not stop to render aid. Jeepers…it’s like playing Frogger.

Hayden & Aaron…you are team #1! The good news? They win a vacation to beautiful Hawaii! Please…for the love of God…don’t be at the Hilton Hawaiian Village next week. Please.

Freddy & Kendra…Phil pauses for dramatic effect…you are team #2! There’s talk about payback and Freddy says the next leg will be their best one. Uh…I sure hope so, considering there are only two left. Why not be daring and hold out for the final leg?

Kris & Jon…the incredible disappearing team…dramatic Philpause…you are team #3.

Adam & Rebecca are the last team to arrive…BUT…it’s not an elimination leg! Yay! Take all their money away and watch them try to get money out of the Chinese, which will probably be tougher than getting a cab.

Two hour season finale next week! Yay! Like I’ve said, I’ll be watching this sans TiVo from four time zones earlier than what I’m used to, but I’m hoping I can stay awake and see who wins. Wish me luck. : :