Part 2 of 2…

Five minutes earlier on The Amazing Race…seven teams got off The Continent, Miss South Kellylina modeled what all the former beauty queens wear when they crawl around underground this season…and Grandpa & Wacky Concussion Grandma Girlname hit the Mat of Judgment last and were stripped of everything except their dignity, their passports and their soulmate status.

Seven teams are still around…who will be eliminated…next?

I still can’t believe Jonathan BakerMay and December won the last leg of the race but now that I’ve had a couple of days to think about it, their “prizes” were very fitting. I imagine the original prize was a romantic trip somewhere but as soon as the Phil saw that JBM and Gal Pal had won the Fast Forward, he put up the Bat Philsignal, indicating a non-romantic prize was needed…pronto…so they went downtown and bought a couple of Toyotas so when they lose, they can drive off their separate directions. It all makes sense now.

And…they depart at 10 p.m. Clue rip. Drive yourselves to the Rhino & Lion (or, as I liked to call it, “Growl & Prowl”) Nature Reserve, sign up for one of two shuttles and feed some lions. Ha. So much for that Fast Forward lead, because I’m guessing South Africans don’t feed their lions at midnight. I am correct…the shuttles are at 8 and 9 a.m. Once the lions have eaten Jonathan BakerMay alive, teams will get their next clue.

Classic JMB pep talk: “Deana needs to step up a little bit more and assert her talents…where I need them.” Sigh.

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina want to kick it up another cliched notch as they depart second. Ray & Deana arrive at the Lion’s Den first and, in true non-Jonathan Baker form, he actually writes his name and Deana’s instead of scrawling RAY “I’M IN FIRST PLACE” BOTTOMFEEDER.

You know, the one thing I really don’t like about PODubya is how he equates everything he does and everything that happens to his time in Baghdad. He sees lightning…it’s “just like bombing Baghdad.” Life isn’t one great, big metaphor for what happened over in the sandbox…but more on that later.

Hey! The Dullermint Twins stole my clue text! “Make your way home and give Mom a great, big hug, then eat all of her chicken enchiladas.” Okay…that was cute. Maybe they’re not so dull.

Lynn and Alex are people first, racers second. Wait, that’s not true…they’re Rahb & Ambuh Bashers first, then people, then racers. Don’t try to get all cutesy.

Rahb & Ambuh depart fifth and head off to the Rahino and Liahn Nahture Resehrve, not fully understanding that Meredith is Grandpa, not Grandma…unless he meant to call Concussion Gretchen “what’s-his-name.” Uchenna and Joyce, whom I am liking more and more each week, depart sixth and Joyce is pleased that their relationship, which I gather was full of turmoil before, is starting to smooth out.

Grandpa and Grandma Girlname depart last, sadly, without Grandma’s tribal headband. The upside to having all your possessions swiped by the Philiminator is that you don’t have to drag anything around. The downside is that you’re carrying your passports in a little gift bag that says, “Grandma & Grandpa went on The Amazing Race and all I got was this stupid gift bag.” The even bigger downside is you have to hear Grandma Girlname say things like, “When you take the weapons from your warriors, it’s hard for you to fight but we’re gonna try to do it anyway.”

The one thing I learned while reading a trillion travel books before my college boyfriend took off with his friends for a summer-long trek through Europe, was you never put your passports in your backpacks. You get one of those cool things you hang around your neck so, in case someone does snatch your bag, you can still get out of whatever respective country you’re in. That just seems like kind of a no-brainer for anyone on The Amazing Race but, Grandma Concussion Fussin’ did take quite a whack to the head so maybe she forgot.

Everyone congregates at the Growl & Prowl Nature Reserve, and we find out that Uchenna & Joyce gave Grandma & Grandpa a bag of clothes so they wouldn’t be completely without alternate attire. And, this is funny. Why, you ask? Because the clothes don’t fit. To distract folks from staring at their ill-fitting Houston/Enron attire, Grandma & Grandpa wander around to the other teams and ask for money. Some teams are nice and give money, others don’t. If this were me, and Grandma & Grandpa were looking for cash from me, I’d contribute on a “need to pay” basis. My reasoning behind this is that most of the time, the teams with no money wind up with more money than everyone else combined. I’m just sayin’.

So, the lucky 8 o’clock shuttlers hop into the Growl & Prowl Express and are instructed, “Please stay seated at all times. Even if a lion were to jump into the vehicle, freeze and do absolutely nothing.” Errr…okay. PODubya thinks he’s a funny guy with, “If he jumps on me, Kelly, I’m throwing him you!” HAHA! Chuckle! Giggle! Snort! That’s all he could come up with? What? No analogy about how being in Iraq was like literally being thrown to the lions?

Heeeeeeeeere kitty kitty kitty…I’ve got breakfast for you…you may find it a bit gamey and bitter, but once you get over that, you’ll probably find some redeeming nutritional value. Personally, I would have thrown the meat further out instead of down just to ensure said lions do not get confused and jump into the shuttle.

Clue rip. Teams must now fly to Gaborone in Botswana…when they land, they’ll have to travel 400 miles via train and bus to…I kid you not…a “giant aardvark” or, as Bahston Rahb called it, “a giant ardvavark.” Close enough. Sounds easy, right? Nah…you know it’s not and four teams make it to the airport without incident while the other three drive around the South African countryside and cityside and The Fabulous Butch Boys even travel through some of Johannesburg’s more scenic neighborhoods before snagging the next flight out of Dodge.

You always know a train trip through Botswana is going to be fun, especially considering the train doesn’t leave until 9 p.m., meaning every team will catch back up. Of course, this bites The Fabulous Butch Boys in the ass, because they thought that denying Bahston Rahb & Ambuh a shared ride in their cab would give them some sort of competitive advantage. Plus, they’re just pissy like that, which is grating on me…like nails across concrete.

And…Grandpa Girlname has done it…he’s said the magic words that delight me so, “Choo choooooooooo.” I’ve mentioned it many, many times before, but that is the universal word for “crowded train.”

This episode’s Amazing Quote Of The Week goes to Bahston Rahb with:

“Everybody’s being nice, giving Gretchen and Meredith money this morning, playing the good samaritan. I’m not even sure she fell down. He may have pushed her…for effect, so people would feel bad for them.” {wicked smile}

Giant aardvark. Clue rip. Roadblock. Teams must throw a traditional spear approximately twenty feet at a moving target…when they hit the target, they’ll get their next clue. Is it just me, or does this sound like a Survivor reward challenge? The teams have to pick a bushman from a group, which turns into that fiasco we used to have in grade school, picking people for teams. You! You! You look like you’re strong…come with us! Now, if only the bushman would have been the moving target…that would have been entertaining.

PODubya is having problems with the challenge, probably because there are no bushmen in Iraq, therefore they couldn’t have engaged him in this traditional training exercise. This explains him actually saying, “It’s tougher than it looks.” We also had to endure far too many “bush man” jokes in this task. It was almost as if an Amazing Cameraman was behind Jonathan BakerMay whispering, “Dude…say it…say you voted for Bush!”

The Dullermint Twins complete their task first and Yoda the Wiley Bushman (”Hey pal, can you say ‘The Gods Must Be Crazy’? Just once?”) hands them their next clue. Clue rip. Teams must now drive themselves to the Xau Xarra Cattle Post, where they’ll find their next clue. Don’t you worry though, we’re not letting these teams loose unsupervised in the middle of the bush…they’re taking a “safety guide” with them. PODubya finishes as do the Fabulous Butch Boys.

You know, I love it when this show goes to Africa. Everyone is so friendly and so nice and so happy…and it makes me feel bad for being so cranky. Maybe it’s because the hunting training exercise I encountered growing up included clipping coupons on Sunday and grocery store circulars on Thursdays.

The UberHusband’s head about popped off his neck when PODubya said, “Bein’ in the military, I’ve driven through the desert in a Humvee; whereas I’m sure there’s no one here who has ever done that.” If PODubya was an officer, his time in a Humvee was spent in the right seat, while some poor enlisted schmo drove him around. I’ve been on a plane before…doesn’t mean I know how to fly one.

There’s lots of vibraty as Bahston Rahb & Ambuh drive by, well, pretty much everyone and pull themselves out of last place. Grandma Girlname is afraid the bush police might give her husband a ticket. You know, I hate pointing out everything she says that can be taken as a double entendre but come on, she started it.

And…Uchenna & Joyce have figured out why I call Gretchedeth “Grandma & Grandpa Girlname.” No one can figure out which is which and they all think Meredith is Grandma.

Last week’s preview promised us that the Dullermint Twins would flip their Humvee, and I was not disappointed. What I found interesting though was, if the cameraman was the one who was injured…who was, um, doing the cameramanning? I seriously think Lynn and Alex stopped, not because they’re nice guys, but because they knew Bahston Rahb & Ambuh wouldn’t stop, therefore providing them with more ammo and more fuel for their raging anger fire. I know this was controversial but, had I seen that there were other teams there helping out the Dullermint Twins and people weren’t running around with limbs torn off or something (admit it, everyone looked pretty calm), then I would continue on my way as well.

Plus…even if Rahb & Ambuh had stopped, The Fabulous Butch Boys would have perceived it as an insincere move or told them to go to Hell or whatever. So, I don’t think Team Survivor committed the most mortal of all sins by doing what they did.

Yes. I’m done.

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina make it to the cattle post with their Humvee and cameraman intact. Clue rip. Detour. Food…or Water? Teams need to grind corn or suck water out of the ground with reed straws and put it into delicate ostrich eggs. Good Choice this time is most definitely Water for this precise reason: anytime you have to do something to someone else’s satisfaction (in this case, in Food, bushwomen will judge if your corn is ground enough), skip it. You’ll get frustrated and the judges will just laugh at you.

PODubya, having ground a lot of corn between Humvee driving trips in Iraq, picks Food. They finish quickly. Clue rip. Teams must now drive themselves to the Matahari Pants…or something to that effect…the largest salt pan in the world and the pit stop for this leg of the race. The last team to check in will so totally be eliminated and will get to spend the night in a hotel in Johannesburg, instead of in cots under the African sky.

I just have to ask…when did Lynn start wearing the pants in the Fabulous Butch Boy family? Alex was the mouthy one up until this point but now I have to hear Lynn yip and whine about how he needs 20,000 years of experience to grind corn to the satisfaction of bushwomen.

Phil. Botswanian military man. Groups of two cots, strategically placed far away from each other so no one has to listen to PODubya talk about all of the nights he’s spent sleeping on a cot in a salt pan when he was in the Army. In case you’d forgotten, his shirt says “Army” as well.

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina…you’re team #1. High five and some sort of half hug/half kiss. No prize.

Rahb & Ambuh…you’re team #2. Then, Phil has to get all Jeff Probsty and try to stir some sort of pot by saying, “Now did you guys see a wreck at all today?” knowing fully damn well that they did. “So, you just left them on the side of the road?” Yep, pretty much, Phil. Now…which cots are ours?

Uchenna & Joyce…you’re team #3! Hugs.

The Fabulous Butch Boys…you’re team #4. Cordial handshake and half-hug. Evil glares at Rahb & Ambuh.

Gretchedith…you’re team #5! Exhausted sighs of relief.

In an absolutely Amazing Footrace to the finish, the Dullermint Twins and Jonathan BakerMay and December literally are neck-in-neck but Deana just can’t keep up.

Hugs. Thanks to God. Dull and Duller…you’re team #6. Cries. Labored breathing. And oh by the way, your cameraman is going to be okay but as previously planned, he will not be assigned to Rahb & Ambuh for the next leg of the race for, well, obvious reasons.

Meanwhile, while all of this is going on, Jonathan BakerMay and December are just sort of pacing in the background. Phil, ever the gentleman, says, “Maybe we should do the right thing and pull Ray and Deaner over here. Why don’t you guys call them over.”

Ray & Deana…you’re the last team to arrive. I’m sorry to say you’ve been eliminated from the race. No hugs. JBM says they deserved to lose and they’re awful. Phil then twists the knife by asking them if the Race has brought them closer together. The ultimate answer? No, not really. At least they got a couple of cars out of the deal.

Next week on The Amazing Race…PODubya & Miss South Kellylina compete for the white trash redneck crown and the Fabulous Butch Boys get a flat tire. I can’t wait for Rahb & Ambuh to honk as they drive right by them.

Lost musings…

Before working at Initech, Locke mastered the game of Mousetrap, which explains how everything he rigs up on the island looks like part of the game.

The island giveth, and the island taketh away. Then, the island giveth again. Then, the island taketh from Boone.

Sawyer: “Cripes. Could that girl in Sydney have given me hyperopia?”

And all this time, I thought those stories about deadbeat dads stealing their kids’ kidneys and then sneaking off were just urban myths.

This island has become a fully functional community. They even have their own version of LensCrafters. Dr. Jack will diagnose you, then you go next door to Dr. Sayid’s House of Glasses, where he’ll hook you up with a damn fine pair of spectacles.

When did Kate become Jack’s on-call nurse? Considering she just stands there and stares after he asks her to do something, until he barks, “NOW!” maybe they should have a dialogue about roles and responsibilities.

Kill the drug dealer, but don’t take the drugs? That makes no sense.

Go to the light, CaroleLocke!

In the season finale, Locke will run down the beach to a smiling Phil Keoghan, with Danielle at his side and he will say, “Locke…you are team number one!”

Part 1 of 2…

Previously on The Amazing Race…everyone continued to hate Bahston Rahb & Ambuh, Jonathan BakerMay continued to vehemently discriminate against Grandma & Grandpa Girlname…and June and The Beav will have some ’splaining to do to Ward when he realizes they shamed the family name by being, well, themselves and securing the last place position on the Mat of Judgment.

Seven teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

In case you’ve missed all of the episodes so far this season, we’re in Argentina. Still. But, this time we’re at a pretty polo club so I guess that makes up for the fact that by this point, all teams should be fluent in Spanish but sadly, aren’t.

Bahston Rahb & Ambuh are the first team to depart at 3:00 a.m. I love how right before each team departs, the Amazing Producers show them when they arrive, smiling and high-fiving and happy to be done with the leg and then shows them as they depart…tired, not smiling and usually in the dark. Fun.

Clue rip. Teams must travel more than five thousand miles to Johannesburg, South Africa. Cripes. Finally. When they land, they’ll pick a marked car and find their next clue. “Throughout this entire race, there has been a gahrdian angel lookin’ out for Ambuh and I.” Amber and me! Amber and me! GAH!

Dull and Duller depart second and claim to be the only team not in a relationship, which means they won’t fight and pick at each other. Dude….other dude…you are in a relationship…you’re brothers. Siblings are not exempt from self-destructing as a team. Although personally, I don’t think either of you would put for the effort to actually fight if the need arose, so you might have a point.

Airport shuffle. “I’d like a flight to Johannesburg, South Africa.” It’s so funny to hear people say that because they might as well be asking for a plane ticket to the moon. “Por supuesto,” the perky ticket agent responds, “The first flight leaves at 10:55 a.m. and gets you there sometime next month.”

Uchenna & Joyce depart third and are either very excited to be going to Johannesburg or very excited to be leaving South America. Uchenna thinks they need to trust their instincts…Miss South Kellylina thinks she and PODubya are “working through their differences” and don’t forget about The Fabulous Butch Boys…they’re here to WIN!

What’s with the teams having to check their bags? Woooweeeeeeeee…that’ll slow you down. I remember when the UberHusband and I got back from Hawaii and had to wait for our bags…oh, never mind.

Jonathan BakerMay and December leave sixth and once again, we’re told that JBM “Cannot stand being in the back.” He can’t take it. It’s not him. Buddy! Pal! IT IS YOU! IT IS YOU! “Deana hopefully feels the same way.” I have a sneaking suspicion that Deana’s well aware that you’re a bottom-feeder and that you are a permanent back-of-the-packer. Proof is in the pudding, my friend.

And finally…Grandma & Grandpa Girlname round out our bottom two (where’s Ryan Seacrest when you need him?) and this time, Grandma doesn’t have a single pearl of wisdom about how they will persevere or overcome or how she’ll make sure Grandpa stays happy. I think Grandma Girlname’s time would be better spent plotting against Jonathan BakerMay because he has got it out for them. What’s his deal? Did his grandma not make blackberry jam with him when he was a kid?

In case you’re wondering, the total flying time between Buenos Aires and Johannesburg (counting the layover in Sao Paulo) is 14 hours and 45 minutes, per Verig’s website. So, it would make sense that Jonathan BakerMay would “work it” and manage to snag first class seats for him and his whipping girl so they can get off the plane first. I hope they kept quiet. No one in first class likes to listen to a bickering couple with a hovering camera crew.

I hate baggage claim…especially when there are marked cars outside just waiting for me. I still don’t get why some teams had to check their bags and others didn’t but nevertheless, our Unclassy First Classers find their car first. Clue rip.

“Drive yourselves to the local television station, where Dr. Phil will be there waiting with a copy of his latest book, Relationship Rescue. Once you have both read it and Dr. Phil believes you have a firm grasp on what makes a relationship work, he will give you your next clue.”

What? Huh? Oh sorry…slipped off to a daydream for a minute. Clue rip. Fast Forward! No! No! No! They can’t use the Fast Forward but I suppose it would get them out of the bottom-feeding-back-of-the-pack. Oh geez, all they have to do is cross a suspension bridge. If Hurley can do it on Lost, surely these two can.

The Fabulous Butch Boys are in second place. Clue-rip. Detour! In this Detour, teams must climb through tunnels or allow a tribesman to stab them. No, that’s not right. They need to repel down 45 feet into a series of tunnels, searching an underground labyrinth for a clue or deliver a series of items to the tribe that each item belongs to. Uh…duh. That’s a no-brainer. Avoid things you have to do in the dark, if at all possible.

Speaking of no brains, Bahston Rahb and Ambuh also go for the Fast Forward. Their gahrdian angel must have been eating, sleeping and mingling with the other gahrdian angels because not only do they have trouble finding the location, once they do get there and realize Jonathan BakerMay and December are already in the process of completing the terrifying task, instead of being smahrt and heading back out, they stand around and wait. Let me tell you something. Unless the Fast Forward involves shaving my head, I’m going to complete it if I start it.

How Miss South Kellylina considers “25 kilometers that way” perfect directions…I don’t know. Sometimes I think the Amazing Editors do that thing they do just so I can point out how what teams say and what they do oftentimes make no sense whatsoever.

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina, along with the Dullermint Twins, repel down to the center of the South African earth. Miss South Kellylina says it’s “like being in the Army!” The UberHusband just shakes his head in disbelief when people say things like that.

Congratulations…our snarly dating couple has won the Fast Forward and can skip all remaining tasks and head straight to the pit stop, the Soweto Outlook, down the street from where Nelson Mandela once lived. They better not get a prize, if for no other reason than Jonathan BakerMay is a jerk to Deana. “I have so much more faith in you than you have in yourself. You could be so much more than you give yourself credit for.” Gee, thanks honey. Why don’t you get your ass up here and drive the car so I can have 100% faith in myself…sitting in the backseat of the car.

Rahb & Ambuh are lost again and stop off at a hospital, where Ambuh is immediately recognized and they get their directions. Their gahrdian angel must not be on a break anymore.

I have to tell you…that underground tunnel task is a bitch. Like I said…don’t do anything in the dark, especially when you have to find something. That didn’t come out right. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. This might explain why PODubya and Miss South Kellylina made it out of the tunnel without a clue. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. The Dullermint Twins literally stumble (can you stumble when you’re crawling?) across the clue and now, in second place, must now travel to Soweto, and find a “sprawling market.” PODubya and Miss South Kellylina find their clue and also crawl out of the depths of hell.

The Fabulous Butch boys, out of breath, in fourth place and full of tribal joy…begin their trek to Soweto as Grandma & Grandpa Girlname go underground with Team Enron.

The Soweto Outlook…the pit stop for this leg of the race…looks like…a…vacant lot. Is it politically incorrect for me to say that? Why is Phil smiling? Ray & Deana…YOU ARE TEAM NUMBER ONE! Holy cannoli…they gave these guys Toyota Rav4s. One for each of them. Sweet prize, yet incredibly undeserving recipients.

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina find the sprawling market clue box first. Clue rip. Roadblock. One team member has to buy five items for a local orphanage…then they’ll get their next clue. Big whoop. Time-killer. Teams must then deliver the items to the Orlando Children’s Home. Once they deliver the items, the director will give them a child their next clue.

Meanwhile…Grandma Girlname doesn’t want to give up and is way too loud. Everything is soooooooooo dramatic with her and I’m starting to empathize with Jonathan BakerMay. So of course, she has to get hurt so I can feel guilty for wishing she’d just be quiet, already. Thanks, Amazing Producer.

So, if your teammate becomes unable to work through no fault of your own, can you get another one? Grandma gets stitched up and heads back down. “You’re a real trooper, hon,” says Grandpa as poignant music plays. Can I at least make fun of the tribal headband she’s wearing? What? It’s a bandage? Oh. At least it matches her shirt…which is the only upside since they’re solidly in last place.

This week’s Amazing Quote Of The Week goes to Grandma Girlname, who apparently thinks the same as I do about her tribal headband:

“I can’t go to Soweto Market looking like this!”

Easy, Grandma. It’s not Williams-Sonoma.

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina reach the Soweto Children’s Home first and the children yell and screem and cheer until they realize that PODubya isn’t Survivor Bahston Rahb. Oh well, at least they get free stuff, right? Clue rip. Drive yourself to the next pit stop. The Dullermint Twins arrive to the same cheers and excitement as they say, “Stay out of trouble. Don’t do drugs.” Wait…you’re not the guy from Survivor, either!

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina are team #2. Hugs. Dull and Duller…team #3!

The Fabulous Butch Boys arrive at the orphanage and the children, knowing damn well neither of them is Survivor Bahston Rahb, yell, “Guys from Will & Grace!!!!!” And…they are team #4. I’m not sure why they were having problems finding the pit stop…seems to me the three cars that look just like theirs would have been a giveaway.

Rahb & Ambuh’s mahrket gahrdian angel appears out of nowhere and helps Ambuh find all of her items and negotiate prices, then shows them where the orphanage is. YAAAAAAAAAAAY! Finally! It’s the guy from Survivor! The mahrket gahrdian angel takes them all the way to the pit stop.

Concussion Gretchen wanders around the market, thinking people will be frightened by her tribal headband. I could see the fear in the eyes of the clerk as he was pointing towards the diapers.

Uchenna and Joyce arrive at the orphanage and…cue poignant music…are overwhelmed by the experience…and I smiled when Joyce mentioned adoption.

Rahb & Ambuh are team #5. No hugs, but kudos to to their mahrketplace gahrdian angel.

Uchenna & Joyce are team #6. Hugs. Crying. Special moment.

And Grandma & Grandpa Girlname…are the last team to arrive. Desperate music plays in the background…however! Hopeful music! This is a non-elimination leg! We all know the drill now…hand over the money and…hand over your backpacks? I had the same expression Grandpa did. No money and nothing else except their passports and the clothes on their backs…and, Grandma’s tribal headband…will take them into the next leg of the race.

Never underestimate the power of the tribal headband.

Tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion!

Let me say this upfront…I did not watch The Bachelor last night. I watched the first 25 minutes, which isn’t even 25% of the show, so for all intents and purposes, I didn’t watch it…keeping my vow to not watch this silly excuse for televised drivel anymore.

However…

I was impressed that ABC managed to scrape the bottom of the barrel for the folks it was able to con into going on the show. J-list actor Charlie O’Connell? Are you kidding me? There were only two women I liked (one of them being a labor & delivery nurse who lives up the highway from me) and I was hoping and praying the whole time that Chucky would send them home so they could find real men who don’t look like they’re half a nose twitch away from snorting while they laugh.

For the first time in my many seasons of Bachelor watching, I finally caught on to the secret of the show:

Lap Dance = Rose

It’s as simple as that. I can’t believe I didn’t catch on to that when Heather From Texas was in the hot tub with Aaron Buerge a million years ago. Maybe I was unwilling to relinquish the faith that ultimately, women have dignity and respect for themselves.

I kept hoping Febreze would show up for his two minutes to make a first impression with Chucky…no luck. Oh well.

spring break is over
back to suburban intrigue
right where we left off

preston porter lice
mommy politics again
bounce house smackdown

when it rains it pours
sewer backed up, solis house
jacuzzi, tide works

housewife whore maisy
black garters, caught by police
black book, oh poor bree

edie knows to bluff
drag susan out of the house
too many drinks, smooch paul?

angela from utah
mary alice, i’m confused
can’t hide much longer

missus huber’s sis smart
mike’s not the killer, dear paul
keep digging, sister

portapotty blues
love that italian marble
great friends say nothing

Did anyone else watch The Office last night? I was disturbed, because it reminded me of far too many places I’ve worked…but I thought it was funny.

And, I’d like to agree with one point…it’s not the dream of many little girls to grow up and become a receptionist.

ER

Damnnnnnnnnnnnnn kids! Last night’s episode of ER was all that and a bag of chips! Was Gallant this hot before he left for Iraq, or is it just watching him in two episodes of Hawaii that changed my vision of him from dull vanilla doctor to hottie with gashes and war wounds and whatnot.

“Why is he in the field? They take the wounded to the doctor, not the other way around.” -UberHusband

When the show was over, I hit “record” on TiVo to tape the whole thing just so I could watch Neela run and jump into Gallant’s arms over and over and over. I had tears in my eyes. Seriously. Is he coming back eventually? I could so jump on board with Gallant and Neela and, based on last night’s Skinemax performance, Neela is no longer asexual in my eyes. Or, for that matter, anyone’s eyes I would imagine.

Gal Pal Social Worker Wendell is gone…with little fanfare. Nice setup for Princess Kem to come back and screw everything up, just in time for sweeps, the opening of the Carter Foundation For Non-Sculptured Garden AIDS Care…and the season finale.

And Pratt…let the gigolo thing go. Man, that is so old…and so Doug Ross.

The O.C.

After the world’s longest spring break ever, Zach returns and compels Seth to keep a secret…he has a new girlfriend. Her name is Georgina Glass and she’s super-swell. Blonde, Italian and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, which is more than SpideySeth can do.

Anyhoo, Ryan’s brother Trey is sprung from the clink and immediately taken to the Cohen House For Wayward Chinoians (Chinoites?). Caleb sends Hans and Franz to do a number on Julie’s 80’s Metal Band art house film director and ultimately…Julie’s porn flick shows up on the big screen for all of Newport’s “finest” to see.

Unfortunately, Ryan, Trey and Marissa were getting into barfights in da ‘hood and were nowhere in the vicinity, so no one wound up in the Cohen’s pool. We can only hope that Trey doesn’t ever snag that barista job and instead wanders off to that strange place that Lindsay, Theresa, Caitlin, Jimmy, Hailey and Oliver have gone. Or else…you so know there’s a Trey/Marissa/Ryan love triangle in the works.

So, I watched Grey’s Anatomy last night, for the following reasons:

* It takes place in Seattle.
* Patrick Dempsey’s in the show and I’ve had a crush on him since Can’t Buy Me Love.
* I like Sandra Oh.

I will not watch Grey’s Anatomy again for the following reasons:

* Dr. Grey is annoyingly neurotic and introspective and downright scary. I wouldn’t ever want Ally McBeal to operate on me, and you shouldn’t either. And…producer guys…don’t try to guilt me into liking her just because her SuperSurgeon Mom is now mentally incapacitated.
* Too many shots of the Space Needle. We get it. You’re in Seattle. It also looks like the Seattle Public Library is supposed to be Seattle Grace Hospital.
* Why are surgical interns assigned to non-surgical patients?
* Didn’t anyone think to do an MRI on the teen beauty queen when she was brought in instead of, oh I don’t know, after she had another seizure? Did it really take a couple of attendings, a few residents and fifteen interns to crack that case?
* Bad-ass surgical residents began and ended with Dr. Peter Benton. End of story.
* George O’Malley was John Travolta’s character in Phenomenon. I can’t look at Doctor George O’Malley without thinking of, well, John Travolta.
* I didn’t think Seattleites had casual, no-strings-attached sex with people they picked up in bars. I thought they only had serious, socially conscious sex using condoms made from environmentally friendly products such as maple leaves and tree sap.
* It was bright and sunny when Dr. GreyMcBeal completed her 48-hour shift, but pouring down rain when she got home, we estimate, about twenty minutes later. Rarely do sun and rain intersect but of course, if it does, you know it’ll happen to Dr. GreyMcBeal.
* Not a single person was carrying around a cup of coffee that looks like it was purchased at Starbucks, Tully’s or Seattle’s Best Coffee.
* No sign of Dr. Frasier Crane.

I think my first critical mistake while watching Survivor last night was actually believing James when he told Jeffy that he’d been a’shootin’ before.

After his 0-for-247 performance during the Reward Challenge though, I’m guessing most of his prior marksmanship experience involved large quantities of beer, dark nights and aforementioned beer cans sitting on fence posts. I suspect hootin’ and hollerin’ and a smattering of hecklin’ was also involved. Heeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! {cocks gun}

Now Stephenie…she’s been shooting before. Her accuracy was…disturbing.

My second critical mistake? Buying The Drone Gunman’s story about being a superior knotsman because he was in the Navy.

So, I was not crushed when James was voted out last night for the following reasons:

I was sick of his toga party attire.

He should have been voted out before Angie.

He looks far too much like Dale Gribble to be taken seriously.

There’s only room for one redneck on the team, and Bobby Jon’s got a lock on that. It’s the multi-name thing. If he had been named James Jim Bob or Jimmy Crack Corn or something to that effect then maybe but…no.

He didn’t recommend skeet shooting with the Pringles during the reward.

On a side note…the Survivor production assistants rigged up the weakest pitcher of mai tais I’ve ever seen. Believe me, I would know.

Look! Love Didn’t Lead Me Back! Due to a “snafu,” voting telephone numbers for three American Idol contestsants were displayed incorrectly Tuesday night, so all of the votes were deemed null and void. We all know what this means…sabotage! I saw you sitting in the audience, Donny Osmond…I’m on to you. Your teen pop sensation years are over. Let it go.

Can I Be A Cocktail Doggie Mom? In response to the Hurried Mom Syndrome Of Years Past, Mary Jacobs explains how we all turned out okay and learned how to think for ourselves. Oh wait, I already am a Cocktail Doggie Mom. “Run outside and play, Daisy…Mommy’s got a staff meeting and needs to fix her vodka gimlet before it starts.”

It Only Took Six Seasons, But My Wish Has Been Granted: Third Watch has been cancelled.

And You Though Omarosa Was “Bad”: Donald Trump wants Michael Jackson to headline a show for him in Las Vegas. Considering I read an article in the paper yesterday where Celine Dion said most of the folks attending her concerts were generally drunk, sick or asleep…seems like a fitting gig for The Gloved Pun.

What Will They Say…Monday At School: John Travolta has revealed he’s a member of the mile high club, having partaken in the pleasures of the flesh with his wife in the cockpit of his plane. Where are those air marshals when you need them, to tap on the side window and shine a flashlight in, telling the kids to knock that funny business off?

Lifted from Kym at The Extraordinary Mundane…

My name is: Slim Shady.

I may seem: superficial…or that I’m in a ton of credit card debt.

People who know me think: I’m funny…and not superficial at all.

If you knew me you’d probably: be surprised that I’m more of a “traditional” wife. And, that I don’t have any credit card debt.

Sometimes I feel: like I don’t work as much during the day as I should, but it’s about the same amount of “down time” I had when I was in the traditional workforce. The only difference is now, I do a load of laundry instead of sitting around staring out the window or getting my 32nd cup of coffee.

My days are pretty: normal and drama-free…and I love that.

Yesterday: I worked, did the laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, made reservations for a wine dinner, mailed out Easter cards, fixed dinner, watched American Idol and The Amazing Race, then fell asleep on the couch.

In the morning I: start working at 6:30 a.m.

I like to sleep: next to my husband, but usually there’s a dog between us.

If I could be doing anything right now I would be: sitting on the North Shore of Oahu at Sunset Beach, watching the big waves crash. Well, I’d wait for the sun to come up first.

Money: does in fact, grow on trees. We have one out back.

One thing I don’t have that I wish I did is: a final decision on whether or not we’re moving to Seattle.

One thing I have that I wish I didn’t is: the beginning of a bunion on my left foot.

All you need is: TiVo.

All I need is: XM Satellite Radio.

If I had one wish it would be: to have a long, happy, healthy life with my husband.

Love is: a wonderful thing if you’re lucky enough to find it and smart enough to realize you have it.

If I could see one person right now it would be: the UberHusband. I miss him when he’s at work.

Something I want but I don’t really need is: these really cute wine glasses at Pier One. I don’t need them…but they’re on sale…but I don’t really need them.

I live for: sunny, warm days.

I am afraid of: the upcoming season of The Bachelor. Very, very afraid.

It makes me angry when: people open their mouths (or keyboards) without thinking first.

I dream about: annoying things, like being 33 and finding out my college degree isn’t official and I have to go back and start over. I also dream about being in high school and not remembering my locker combination.

I daydream about: having a home on the beach. Any beach will do.

Previously on The Amazing Race, nine teams ventured into the Andes and didn’t turn into cannibals, Bahston Rahb continued his Pied Piper trek through South America, The Beav showed his pissier side and Alex and Marissa saw some pretty scenery but ultimately landed on the Mat of Judgment last and were eliminated.

Eight teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

Opening credits. I know I mentioned Alex & Marissa and their roller skating tube top action before, but I hadn’t noticed The Fabulous Butch Boys sashaying out of dressing rooms and pointing at each other’s fabulously fabulous shirts…or Joyce trying to kick Uchenna…or Bahston Rahb and Ambuh sitting around on the floor counting her money (okay, I made that up)…or…June and The Beav looking so mommy/sonny and fake.

Anyhoo…Phil welcomes us back to Argentina, the pit stop for this, the 42nd consecutive leg of The Amazing Race to be run in South America. I’m so tired of this continent. I think next season, The Amazing Planners need to go backwards. Start off in Hawaii and work their way East. No more of this elementary BS where they send the teams first to countries where they might be able to communicate (i.e., speak Spanish), send them to China.

The Fabulous Butch Boys, in first place and oddly, without a First Place Prize, depart at 3:49 a.m. Sadly, they aren’t wearing “We Beat Bahston Rahb & Ambuh” matching t-shirts with plucky little cap sleeves, which I half-expected them to have made before they left for just such an auspicious occasion.

Clue rip. Teams must drive themselves to Cabana La Guatana (hee…it’s a horse ranch…hee) to get their next clue.

Uchenna & Joyce leave second. They’re going to continue to support each other, with Uchenna affectionately calling his wife, “Babycakes.” At least, I assume it was an affectionate term and not a reference to the hideous Ricki Lake film of the same name.

Speaking of affectionate terms, as The Fabulous Butch Boys are driving merrily along, they encounter an apparently clueless Argentine driver who apparently tried to run our boys off the road. BEEP. “Don’t run me off the road, beeyotch.” BEEP.

I think I’ve isolated the source of Uchenna & Joyce’s struggles with fertility…and it’s Uchenna. They’re driving down the road and he says, “It’s like GIVIN’ BIRTH, MAN…tryin’ to find directions!” Huh? I haven’t given birth but for anyone who has, can you please explain that analogy to me? Muchas gracias.

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina, along with Dull and Duller, depart next and demonstrate the fine art of simultaneous clue-ripping. PODubya states that he and his beauty queen girlyfriend don’t have any long-term alliances but (Don’t forget! He was in the military!), “Comin’ from the military you’re used to bein’ able to trust people but this is completely different.” (“Like I trusted my wingman to keep me from gettin’ shot down” -UberHusband)

Dull and Duller don’t have much to say except they get $45 for this leg of the race, they’re going to follow the Soldier and the Bobby Soxer and they’re very happy they’ve moved up in the place standings. I suspect they are engaged in a long-term alliance with their knitted caps, but only time will tell if that will work out for them or not.

The Fabulous Butch Boys arrive at Ye Old Argentine Horse Stable and…it doesn’t open until 6:30 a.m. Sunrise in the Andes. Damn. What a beautiful vista.

6:30 a.m. Clue rip. Roadblock . Who’s ready to horse around? Oh please, don’t make them eat four pounds of horse. Please. Teams must participate in a traditional Gaucho challenge, and I was disappointed that it wasn’t Halloween in Isla Vista, which was the traditional challenge back when I was a Gaucho. Ah, how times have changed.

They must ride a horse around a series of barrels, then poke a stick through a ring at a moderately high rate of speed…and they must do it within 40 seconds (the competitive time for an Argentine cowboy) to get their next clue. Again, if they wanted to be authentic Gauchos, they’d play a game of Sloshball with some nerdy college sophomores. But, I digress. At least they get to wear a helmet. I wasn’t as lucky.

Bahston Rahb & Ambuh finally depart…and Rahb immediately wants to take another vehicle that has more gas, and thankfully Ambuh tells him they can’t do that. Would have been a great idea if stealing someone else’s car didn’t immediately give you a penalty.

Poor Joyce…her horse was NOT happy with her and promptly flung her to the ground. “Can I pick another horse?” No. Sorry. Fabulous Butch Boy #1 completes the task. Clue rip. Teams must now fly to Buenos Aires. Cripes. Haven’t we already been there like, five times? Please? Can we go someplace else like… Antarctica?

Teams need to get to the airport where they will take one of two available flights…one for the fast teams and the other for the pathetic teams in last place who left five hours after The Fabulous Butch Boys. I miss the old days when The Amazing Planners left everyone to their own devices for booking flights. Again, that’s what made Mary and Peach arrive a day later than everyone else way back when…but it definitely added an element of drama.

When they land, they must go to the English Clock Tower and find the creepy guy who looks like an Argentine flasher (nice hat, pal), who will give them their next clue.

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina are in third place as Dull and Duller miss their exit and continue down the highway, I imagine, toward the coast in search of Alex and Marissa. Miss South Kellylina volunteers to be the nag to ride the nag as Mr. Look At Me, Look At Me comments to uninterested Argentine cowboys with, “I got to eat crap yesterday. She gets to ride a horse. I just want y’all to know that.” Like they care.

Third time’s the charm for poor Joyce, who finally gets her horse to play nice so they can finish the challenge. Miss South Kellylina shows her true Southern Belle skills by expertly navigating her horse through the course and completing it in 39 seconds, a new record for the competitive American beauty queen circuit.

I admire people who can ride horses. Other than ponies at the fair or the petting zoo, the world of equine fun has never been my thing. Dull and Duller arrive…still in fourth place…and complete the course in 33.75 seconds. Well heck, if they can do it…

The Fabulous Baker Boys and Team Enron arrive at the airport and are all giggly that they’ll be five hours ahead of the other teams. You guys are so naive, I swear. You don’t think they’ve got some sort of challenge that will bunch you all up again? Silly, silly gauchfauxs.

Oh wait…there are still teams who haven’t even left the last pit stop yet! Jonathan BakerMay and December leave in sixth place. JBM doesn’t like hanging out with bottom-feeders and “being associated with teams of that caliber.” Buddy…there’re only two teams behind you. At what point do you, by sheer position, also become one of the bottom-feeders? Personally, I think it was Week One but that’s just me.

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname depart seventh and thankfully, Grandma doesn’t slip any sexual innuendo into her comments about keeping up with the young people. She also doesn’t want Grandpa to run over any of the animals on the side of the road because she would like the same courtesy extended to her. If the need arose, you know.

June and I Hate The Beav leave…last. They’re the bottomest of the bottom-feeders. June is motivated and thinks they can move up. The Beav knows they’ve lost so, instead of changing his crappy-ass attitude, he gives in to the self-fulfilling prophecy he has created for him and him alone, dragging down that lady next to him called his teammate.

Did I mention Bahston Rahb & Ambuh were lost? They’re out and about, driving around and then…sonofagun…there’s where we’re supposed to go! The UberHusband and I have discussed this and think there’s just no way these guys could be operating under such a lucky sign. Again, I’m gunning for them to win but…I don’t know. And of course, Bahston Rahb has ridden a horse before. Ambuh thought he looked cute on a horse. Aww.

The Four Teams That Hate Bahston Rahb & Ambuh snark and snit about how they’re not quitters as they board the first flight to Buenos Aires…then…guess who boards! To quote Nelson from The Simpsons, “Haw HAWWWW!”

I’m trying to figure out why The Fabulous Butch Boys hate Team Survivor so much. Seriously. And, The Beav thinks it’s okay to run over clowns if they’re impeding the flow of traffic or, more specifically, his car.

Remember Colin’s broken ox from two seasons ago? Well, Deana’s horse is broken this season! Oh wait…no he’s not, although, we do discover the root of Ray & Deana’s relationship issues. They think if you kick something…harder, it’ll do what you want. That doesn’t work with horses, Deana, and doesn’t work with girlfriends, Ray. Whine, yell, complain, badger, intimidate, scream, bully…you know, the usual. Then, Ray tells Deana not to give up. Whatever. It’s amazing how supportive Ray got all of a sudden when June and The Beav showed up. That was interesting. Then, she finishes and he’s all proud of her. I don’t get them.

Ray’s “not a back of the pack” kind of person. Um, yes…yes you are. Get used to it.

And, it wouldn’t be The Amazing Race without listening to yet another tender exchange between June and The Beav, after The Beav finishes the course in an astonishing three days, far short of the 40 seconds required for Competitive Gay Gauchoing:

The Beav: My legs are killing me.

June: You don’t even have your feet in the stirrups!
The Beav: Hey Mom, let’s try being quiet while I’m doing this. I need to concentrate.
June: If you can get him at a fast pace, let’s start back here further…

The Beav (interrupting Mom): That’s easy for you to say. It doesn’t help at all to hear your mom nagging at you while you’re trying to do this.
June: I was gonna help you but…
The Beav (interrupting Mom again, this time through clenched teeth): Mom. I want you to stop before we have an embarrassing moment.

Meanwhile, in Buenos Aires, Rahb & Ambuh take the early lead and find the Creepy Clue Guy. Clue rip. Navigate yourselves via train to the city of Tigre and da dahcks. Perfect. Rahb is prahbahbly pretty good with da dahcks. All five teams on the first flight make the first train to Tigre. Snarly scowls and looks all around…except for Rahb. Rahb just smirks.

This week’s Amazing Quote award goes to Fabulous Butch Boy #1, describing their favorite reality television personalities:

“The bottom line is, they’re kind of like an STD. You gotta protect yourself from them and the only way you can do that is to just keep yourself away from them.”

Running away from the Survivor Transmitted Disease as fast as they can, The Fabulous Butch Boys arrive at the clue box first. Clue rip. Detour! I can’t decide which task was Good Choice and which was Bad…they both seemed pretty lame. Find a shipwrecked boat in a large mass of water, but there are many shipwrecked boats and the only guide you have is a 30-year old photo. Or, boat down the river and find an island. {Stacy shrugs her shoulders}. Dunno. I still miss that Ikea Detour from last season where they had to build a desk or count frying pans.

PODubya is riding on his boat and showing The Amazing Camera Team (who looks to be on another boat) the map and what they need to do. Do you know how badly I wanted that map to get caught by the wind, fly out of his hand and go flying into the water?

Please…Bahston Rahb…no more “Holy Cannoli.” Please. Cannoli is not holy.

Rahb & Ambuh find their shipwreck though, and receive their next clue. Clue rip. Take a cab 35 miles to the pit stop…La Martina…the most prestigious polo club in Argentina. However, half of the teams haven’t even made it to Buenos Aires yet, I don’t think.

Gaucho Joe and Phil are waiting on the Mat of Judgment as Bahston Rahb and Ambuh run up and are declared Team Number One. The Amazing Producers, apparently bored with American Airlines Vacations, have given the Survivor Sweethearts a trip to London courtesy of Travelocity. Hmm. Again…I’m wondering why The Fabulous Baker Boys didn’t get a trip. Hugs.

In a stunning turn of events, Dull and Duller show up in second place. No hugs.

Uchenna and Joyce are team number three. Hugs.

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina arrive fourth. No hugs. Actually, I don’t think they even smiled at each other at what should have been good news.

Jonathan BakerMay is an ass, picking on Grandma & Grandpa Girlname. He will not allow himself to be beaten by a couple of geezers who “are a couple of decades from where they need to be.” That man either has no soul or has terribly low-self esteem. Could be both.

Ultimately, June and The Beav arrive last on the Mat of Judgment and I for one, am relieved. After watching The Beav be all smug in thinking he was in front of two other teams and then to be surprised with a nice jolt of reality, well, serves you right you pompous dork. Self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think you’re going to lose, you’ll lose.

What was so sad though, was that usually teams, when they lose, at least give the feigned impression that they’re better off having had the experience. June is upset. She’s crying. Phil asks The Beav why he thinks his mom is so upset and he says, “I don’t know. Maybe you should answer that one, Mom.”

Maybe you should move far away, Patrick. She’s crying and you’re just standing there, cruelly enjoying every second of watching your mom lose. That scene sent chills up my spine.

Next week, on a special I-Can’t-Recap-Two-Hours episode of The Amazing Race, people get hurt, Deana says “I can’t” again and Team Enron goes to an orphanage. Uh oh.

Mom, I know you read my blog, so I know you’ll see this.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

We love you…and we hope you’re getting over your cold!

previews from last week
did fox skip an episode?
lynndie, promiseland?

mister doubtfire sad
spoonful of sugar he sings
daughter disengaged

hijacked housekeeper
no dustbuster any more!
these yours or misters?

buster of the hook
hang with roomba love machine
i’m an animal!

virgin anagram
why is anne still on the show?
sex is worth the wait!

george michael, jedi
i am your father, steve holt
three percent of votes

Last night’s episode of The O.C. exhibited the number one reason chicks shouldn’t date each other. Because…they’re chicks. And…they behave in a mightily chick fashion.

Alex jumps to all sorts of inaccurate conclusions, throws a beer bottle at Ryan’s head, tells him to “stay away from MY GIRLFRIEND,” then arrives at the Harbor Trojan Horse Bonfire (“Would have been better for them to do a model of a Trojan” -UberHusband) to embarrass Marissa and have her two gang-banger buddies intimidate and threaten Chino Boy. Ha. Did they not watch this show last season? You can put the PF Chang’s in Chino, but you can’t take the Chino out of the boy.

My favorite scene though, was when Marissa introduced everyone at the bonfire to Ryan…like they don’t know who he is. He ruined Cotillion, got into a fight with Luke at THE biggest beach house party of the year and dated the Most Popular Girl In School for awhile. Did they not go to this school last year? Maybe they’re all new transfer students…you know, like Lindsay.

And, Julie…you were totally off the mark with trying to coax Marissa home via threatening to take away her credit cards. Is that all you’ve got? She’ll get a job? Ha. Why didn’t you just tell her that she’d better start learning the bus schedules because tuition payments to the Harbor School were being stopped ASAP? I guarantee Miss Mariss would have gone back to the lair because…shudder…who wants to go to…hang on…I’m having a tough time forming the words…public school?

I take what I said earlier back…my favorite scene was the full thirty seconds of silence as Sanford Cohen (”Nobody calls me that but Caleb”) mentally digested the concept of Julie Cooper in The Porn Identity. And Kiki…shame on you for ever so slightly trying to get Sanford to tell you about his latest juicy Newport case. I saw that look in your eyes. You wanted him to spill. Bad girl.

And, I’m having a tough time with how retro this show is going. Over the course of the last few weeks I’ve had to endure Boyz 2 Men, Oasis, Cole Trickle, The Scorpions, Husker Du and…Tin Cup. What? Kirsten wasn’t paying homage to Rene Russo ?

Dear Auntie O’Snarkessy,

A few months ago, I met a man and we hit it off immediately—great conversation, lots of fun. We enjoyed each other’s company immensely. I am newly single and going through a divorce—so I am not looking for a serious relationship, just someone to spend time with and date. Several weeks went by before I saw this man again. But when we did finally get together, we ended up drinking a lot, slept together, and he stayed over at my place. Not once did I regret this spontaneous night; I really liked him and thought he felt the same for me.

He called the next day, and we decided to have dinner the next weekend. We had a great time at dinner. I decided to tell him about my divorce situation because I am in my early 20s, and most people don’t assume people my age are divorced. He told me he was not bothered by this information, thanked me for telling him, and said he still wanted to see me. The night continued to go smoothly. Once again, we slept together.

It has been over two weeks, and I have not heard from him. Was this man using me for sex, or was he really bothered by the marriage thing and decided to blow me off without saying anything? I have called once and left a message just saying hello. I really want to call him to ask what is going on, but all my friends say not to call. Was the connection I felt just an act?

—Confused in the City

Dear Not Confused, Just Delusional,

Top ‘o the morning to you, laddie! Auntie O’Snarkessy has one thing to say: he’s just not that into you.

You kids these days! Auntie O’Snarkessy finds it interesting that you seem to dwell on your in-progress divorced status as the #1 potential reason this guy hasn’t called. Is that all you talked about during your dinner? Maybe he doesn’t like the way you laugh. Maybe he was flipped out because you were so quick to have sex with him (Auntie O’Snarkessy won’t use the soft-focus “slept together,” let’s call a spade a spade). Maybe after going out with you a couple of times, he realized he didn’t click with you.

Sure…a phone call might have been nice, but what could he have said? “Sorry Confused, I had fun but…I’m not that into you.” Would you have accepted that and moved on or would you have poked and prodded and nagged at him until he finally gave in, and told you want you wanted to hear? Know what? He still would have dumped you.

Auntie O’Snarkessy also finds it interesting that you voluntarily slept with the guy twice, but because he isn’t behaving the way you wanted, you wonder if he’s “using” you. Any chance you were “using” him perhaps, to feel desired and wanted in the wake of your failed marriage? After all, you were willing to hop into bed with a total stranger and to some men, that’s not a good thing. They won’t turn you down of course, but they certainly may see you in a different morning light.

Anyhoo, don’t call him. He’s spoken pretty loudly and pretty darn clearly that he’s not interested. Uncle O’UberHusband has told Auntie O’Snarkessy many times (during discussions of why women set themselves up for such misery), if a man is interested, he will call. He will do whatever he needs to do to find you and spend time with you and show you he’s worthy of your time, attention, affection, loyalty and trust.

Men who are not interested will not do any of these things. They won’t even call. Men are very simple. They don’t play hard to get.

Magically deliciously,
Auntie O’Snarkessy

So. Let me get this straight.

During Survivor’s reward challenge last night, Kuror won the task (and the food), but both teams have to go to Tribal Council and vote someone off? That’s so wrong. Kuror wins…they’ve got the team dynamic to completely obliterate Ulong but Jeff and His Might Fist Of Ratings has to butt in and force both teams to vote someone off at Tribal Council.

Oh no no…the producers and crew don’t influence the game at all.

Kuror goes to Tribal Council first and, unsurprisingly, votes off Old Man Willard because, well, he’s old and he’s no Rudy. The proverbial salt on the wound? Willard doesn’t even get to partake in the winning challenge feast! Although, I’m guessing the food he gets once he has passed through Survivor’s post-voteoff cleansing is better.

Once that atrocity is over, Kuror goes “over to the jury side” to enjoy their meal of beef stew, bread and IBC Root Beer while Ulong is going through their own tribal council. That’s just cruel. Angie’s crying and everyone on Ulong has decided they’re going to vote of Ibrahim. If you missed the first 35 minutes of the show, it was pretty much just all of them talking about voting him off.

But wait! There’s a twist! Jeff and His Mighty Fist Of Ratings tells the members of Kuror that they can give immunity to someone on the Ulong tribe…WTF? And of course, because for the whole episode we’ve heard nothing but how Ulong wants to get rid of Ibrahim, who do you think gets immunity? Quick…who you gonna vote off now that the Weakest Link has gotten a bye?

Angie, I guess. That aggravated me. She was the only person in that tribe who had any spunk and any strength but, I guess that made sense. I didn’t like Angie at the beginning. I’ll admit to that. I thought she was freak. But…she held her own and took on a lot of other women in the tribe and that made me want to root for her.

The UberHusband thinks Stephanie looks better now that she’s gotten a tan. Thanks, honey.

So…is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as large as it needs to be?

Previously on The Amazing Race…Grandma & Grandpa Girlname played the “poor us, Social Security doesn’t give us enough money to buy food” card, Bahston Rahb continued to endear himself to his fellow Race contestants and Thin & Blonde hit the Mat of Judgment last.

Nine teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

I always find it interesting when I read articles about how this is the best season ever of The Amazing Race, yet I am left slightly chilled by it. Other than Bahston Rahb and Amber, I’m not really rooting for anyone and am saddened by the lack of drama, which is completely laughable since all I did last season was bitch about…well…all the drama.

Bienvenido a Santiago, el capital de Chile, nestled near the Andean foothills. Phil is wearing a pair of oddly-fitting jeans as he shows us the pit stop for this last leg of the race.

Bahston Rahb & Ambuh, fresh off of 12 hours of scheming, planning and mingling with the other teams, depart first at 12:34 a.m. Clue rip. “Drahive youselves to da Andes mountains.” Or, at least, I’m pretty sure that’s what Rahb said. Teams must travel 150 miles to Argentina and find the bridge known as Puente Viejo. The cahrs ahre mahked and pahked at Bulnes Cahrpahrk. Bahston Rahb thinks he and Ambuh are living the American dream. I don’t know about you, but my dream isn’t to wander around Santiago in the middle of the night. San Diego perhaps, but not Santiago.

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina depart second. “I’m not sure at this point if I wanna marry Kelly or not. She’s rushing too much. I’m not about to get married and have kids right away.” Then pal…why are you with her? Seriously. She doesn’t look like a beauty queen anymore and frankly, I find you to be wussy and annoying, an odd combination for a former Apache helicopter pilot. Even the UberHusband, a former Army officer himself, isn’t impressed with you.

Jonathan BakerMay and December leave third…and I actually remembered who they were this episode, probably due to me renaming him Jonathan BakerMay. And…on the third leg of the race, we see the first signs of a cracking team and wouldn’t you know it, it’s these guys. December whines, “You’re always ignoring me. I”m sick of it,” to which JBM replies, “She wants to have me usher her through every situation and I think she needs to step up and do it herself.” Nice. There’s nothing more heartwarming than a loving, supportive partner who understands your weaknesses and tries to help you work through them in a constructive manner. {{blissful sigh}}

Team Enron departs fourth. It would be really funny if somehow she managed to get pregnant on The Amazing Race. I know the offshore betting folks have tagged these two as the eventual winners but that would just be too schmaltzy for me.

Paris & Nicole depart fifth. They also mention the Yield (Bahston Rahb & Ambuh did first) so…y’all think there’s a Yield ahead? Huh? Huh? Their strategy to win is basically to get rid of Bahston Rahb and Ambuh, which is great in theory if you think they’re the only strong team running the race but…psst…come here…they’re not. Don’t put all your eggs in one fabulous basket there, boys.

Marissa & Alex depart sixth. They’ve been friends since they were little girls…yadda yadda…strength and determination…blah blah…sorry. I don’t listen to much of what they say. Sorry, Michael.

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname leave seventh. Grandma admittedly has a hard time keeping her mouth shut, as she likes to verbalize her emotions. Don’t feel pity for long-suffering Grandpa though, she “makes it up to him in a lot of other ways.” She says this with an odd smirk, which…you know, I’m all for older generations getting their freak on, but combine that with her “verbalizing her emotions” comment…I just don’t need to know that much.

June and The Beav slink out eighth. June thinks The Beav needs a boyfriend, because it appears as though her son is incapable of doing anything on his own. However, he is very effective at whining on his own. I can’t believe June would want to inflict that on some other guy. The Beav thinks his mom wants him to find someone to take care of him. Well, at least their stories match.

Finally, Dull and Duller bring up the rear and leave last, still heartbroken after summer camp crushes Thin and Blonde were eliminated. Aww. “We had a taste of what elimination might taste like.” Wait until later in the episode, boys. Maybe I’m just in a sick sort of mood but…anyhoo…Dull is confused. “Argentina?”

Bahston Rahb and Ambuh arrive at the Cahrpahrk and surprise surprise…it doesn’t open until 5 a.m. They decide to get a room. PODubya and Miss South Kellylina decide to walk around. Jonathan BakerMay and December grab a couple of seats on the bench and everyone else decides to camp out except for Marissa and Alex, who go to the hotel to get directions on where they need to go next.

Meanwhile…at the Hall of Injustice, Rahb & Ambuh are rested, refreshed, walk right up and steal Marissa and Alex’s cab. The girls offered the guy 4 somethings to wait; Rahb offered ten. Ha. That’s so great. “That’ll teach ‘em for accusing someone of lying!” What’s even funnier is the shot of Alex and Marissa in the Sheraton, completely clueless as to what’s going on.

5 a.m. Mad rush through da cahrpahrk to find da mahrked cahrs. And again, Bahston Rahb does the unphilievable and manages to score a police escort to the freeway. I was flabbergasted by this, and asked the UberHusband how he can possibly keep getting all this help? Apparently, the answer was quite simple. “He’s nice and polite. Amazing what people will do when you’re polite,” mused the UberHusband. Huh. Go figure.

June and The Beav are lost and The Beav annoyingly shushes his mom when she asks if the guy at the gas station has a map. That’s not cool. Don’t shush your mom, you putz. And Beav…you suck at giving directions.

Anxious orchestra music carries several of our teams off Al Norte and toward the Andes except for…Marissa and Alex, who continue to The North. Oops.

The elevation and zig-zaggy roads are getting to Grandma & Grandpa Girlname. He can’t breathe, she’s nauseous. How’d you like to be their camera crew what with their physical ailments and sexual banter?

Meanwhile, back in Santiago…June and The Beav are still…um…in Santiago. How tough is this? Are these two so lacking in social skills or common sense that they can’t buy a map or smile and ask someone for help? And, I totally mean that in an Eddie Haskell sort of way.

Speaking of dumb people, Marissa and Alex stop at a toll booth after realizing they haven’t entered Argentina yet and when they ask the chick if they’re anywhere near Punte Viejo, she incredulously answers “PUNTE VIEJO?” and rolls back on her heels in that “You guys are so far off track but I’m guessing you’re not going to ask me how to get to your destination, because you are dumb, silly American girls” way. So, what do Marissa and Alex do? They keep driving.

Uchenna and Joyce (now I remember their names, so I can call them something other than Team Enron) are growing on me. Miss South Kellylina thinks Heaven looks like the Andes. Sweetie…ever seen Alive? You don’t know the half of it.

Rahb & Ambuh arrive at the route marker first and yep, it’s a Yield. No one Yields anyone, though. Clue rip. Detour. In this Detour, we’re back to Good Choice and Bad Choice. In Good Choice, teams raft seven miles down the river. In Bad Choice, teams bike seven miles down a train trellis. You make the call. Naturally, only Dull and Duller choose Bad Choice but what’s great about this is, usually the Detour tasks are off in opposite directions and the teams do their own thing. This time though, when Dull and Duller get a flat tire up on the hill, all they can do is stare down at the river and watch team after team after team pass them by. Hee.

Paris & Nicole are out for blood. They want to beat Bahston Rahb & Ambuh. Badly. I must say, I’m impressed by Paris & Nicole’s gumption. The determined little buggers quickly take advantage of Ambuh’s lack of upper body strength and Bahston Rahb’s lack of style and paddle into first place. Ambuh’s critical mistake is she was trying to paddle with her arms, when she should have been paddling with her entire body. Oh well…hindsight.

Paris & Nicole are downright giddy. Clue rip. Teams must now drive themselves Over! Seventy! Miles! to the city of Mendoza and a traditional Argentine barbecue to get their next clue. Really? Food? Yum! Have I mentioned Paris & Nicole are so very proud of themselves for beating Bahston Rahb and Ambuh?

Our Amazing Quote of the Week comes from Survivor Sweetheart Ambuh:

“The whole entire time I just kept thinking, you’re getting in shape, you’re getting in shape. You’re burning fat calories. You have to get married soon. You have to fit into a dress. Keep rowing!”

Fantastic…Marissa & Alex have hit the ocean! “The key to the clue was…go through the Andes.” Uh…ya think? While the scenery is beautiful, they finally decide to stop and ask someone where in the Hell they are and sonofagun, they’re two hours off track! Why didn’t you women ask the toll booth operator an hour ago? Were you embarrassed? Did your Lonely Planet South America guide tell you not to ask for directions because pissy locals will send you the opposite direction? GAH!

Paris & Nicole arrive at Ye Olde Argentine Barbecue and hit…a Roadblock. “Who’s not a vegetarian?” I’m not! What? I have to eat what? 4 lbs. of various meaty odds and ends (or as Phil called it, “a traditional Argentine meal”), including cow ribs, pork sausage, blood sausage, cow intestine, cow udder, an entire kidney and part of a cow’s saliva gland. Can I at least get a little Hollandaise sauce? Some Bernaise? A bottle of A-1?

Oh, good Lord. “When they’ve finished eating, they’ll get their next clue,” Phil states matter-of-factly. Sigh. I don’t think the eating “tasks” can get worse each season, but they do. I thought Chip and Reichen eating little moving octopi was bad. I thought kilograms of caviar was bad. I thought that hideous Hungarian soupslop from last season was bad. I. Was. Wrong.

Nicole starts right in and, you can so tell he’s the man in the relationship. That’s okay, I’m just making an observation. Now, I thought Bahston Rahb would blow right through this considering all the crap he ate on Survivor but then again, it’s four pounds of “food.” I don’t think I could eat four pounds of anything…maybe Twinkies. Maybe macaroni and cheese.

Marissa and Alex finally make it to Puente Viejo and paddle down the mighty Mississipiandes. Do we care though? They’re so in last place.

Nicole is the first to yak, which pretty much seals the deal for Bahston Rahb. In a questionable, although original strategic move, Bahston Rahb & Ambuh decide to take the four-hour penalty (from the time the next team arrives at the task), so he doesn’t have to eat any more cow innards. Better than not finishing at all, I suppose…and it’s a sure thing that he won’t be last because several other teams haven’t even shown up yet.

Poor Deana sits down to eat and I’m so glad her team followed suit and took the penalty because I can just see Jonathan BakerMay going all Jonathan Baker on his gal pal and this task ending in crying and screeching and vomiting and whatnot. It’s too early in the season. Angst, I can do…male/female interpersonal drama? Give me a little more time, please. I’m still getting over Team Potato Head from last month.

Did you hear? PODubya was an Iraqi prisoner of war! “Well today is probably the worst eating experience I’ve ever had in my entire life. And mind you, I LOST TWENTY FIVE POUNDS IN ABOUT EIGHTEEN DAYS IN AN IRAQI PRISON. Not to say the food in the Iraqi prison wasn’t bad, but I didn’t have to eat four pounds of it.” So, what’s your point, caller? I lost 15 lbs. in about eighteen days when I started Atkins. Not to say the food on Atkins wasn’t bad, but I did have to eat four pounds of it. Paper covers rock.

More yakking…more Argentine barbecue gurus laughing at our teams. Grandma & Grandpa Girlname bail out and take their penalty so now, all our three penalized teams can do is sit around and wait and watch and thank their lucky stars they’re not eating. But, Uchenna is no wussy boy and finishes his “meat.” Atta boy. I like him…his wife…jury’s still out on her. But, Uchenna reminds me alot of Chip and that’s a good thing. Clue rip. Go to the pit stop…Estancia San Isidro or as I like to call it, The Most Beautiful Spot in South America.

Nicole finishes second and it’s the mad dash to the mat of judgment! Beautiful scenery! Beautiful local woman! Beautiful Phil!

Paris & Nicole…you’re team number 1! And then…I kid you not…Nicole spikes the clue on the ground. Even funnier…the clue bounced! Ha! They demonstrate the paddling technique they used to beat Bahston Rahb and Ambuh as a befuddled Phil looks on and…they get no prize for coming in first. Ha! Super job boys…you’ve beaten Ambuh & Rahb…now what are you going to do?

Team Enron is team number two. Phil rather rudely points out that even though Uchenna inhaled massive quantities of nasty-ass food, he was beaten on the drive by The Fabulous Butch Boys. Hmm. Methinks it might be time for a team name change.

June and The Beav are driving to Ye Olde Argentine Barbecue and she’s eating a candy bar. Zoiks! Duller finishes eating, PODubya finishes and The Beav decides to tackle the Amazing Meat Challenge because Mom’s tummy is full of chocolate.

Dull, Duller, PODubya and Miss South Kellylina are teams three and four. Eh.

I was honored to be able to witness this touching mother/son exchange. So were Grandma & Grandpa Girlname, as the Amazing Cameramen kept cutting to them smiling knowingly.

The Beav: It’s just so much food, I don’t think it can fit in my stomach.

June: Do it!
The Beav: Yeah. You see, this is why I need you to be quiet (condescending look at June).

The Beav: If you were doing this, I would have sympathy for you.
June: I would start vomiting.
The Beav: No, you wouldn’t.
June: Oh, yes I would.
The Beav: You would be curled up in the fetal position, crying.

June: I would vomit!
The Beav: The more you do this, the more it makes me want to not do it just to spite you, because you’re being so insensitive about this.
June: This could be it. It could be over. You decide what you want to do.
The Beav: I will decide what I’m going to do. I cannot believe you.

What a twit. Seriously. I want to beat up The Beav. What a pathetic excuse for an adult child. The fact that June just sits there and takes it…in my opinion, says a lot. He’s just a spoiled, whiny, selfish brat. You just know that instead of supporting June if she were to tackle the challenge, he’d sit there and probably mock her.

And…Marissa and Alex, fresh off their Argentine National Tour, arrive finally. Alex unbuttons her pants and prepares for the feast. Yum.

Bahston Rahb & Ambuh arrive at the pit stop fifth, and Phil is impressed with Rahb’s ability to manipulate the other teams. “There are teams at the Roadblock that aren’t moving because you convinced them not to move!” Yeah, well, he’s crafty like that.

Ultimately…Marissa and Alex arrive at the Mat of Judgment last, but not before actually completing the “food” challenge. Unphilievable. Although I’ve never been a fan of Marissa and Alex, much like the Mormon Bikini Team of last season, they started to grow on me about ten minutes before they were eliminated. That can’t be a coincidence…I think it’s clever editing. At the end, I was so hoping June and The Beav would be last because they are so damn annoying.

Oh well. Sorry your girls were ousted, Michael.

On the next episode of The Amazing Race…Jonathan BakerMay and December officially transform into Jonathan & Victoria and horses throw team members around. Pray they finally get out of South America.

The crack Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex weather teams say it’s going to freeze in these here parts tonight, which will come as a shock to the dozens of folks who drove away from Lowe’s with mulch and pansies and other delicate Spring flora and fauna this past weekend.

Silly, silly folks. Now granted, I did buy a tomato plant but I know better than to go whole-hog with the planting thing before, oh, say, mid-April.

Anyhoo…make sure to bring the pets in and leave the vindictive foliage outdoors tonight.

Dear Snarky -

I’ve found myself in a situation and I’m not quite sure what to do. You see, my best friend, we’ll call her Lionelita, is getting married and all of the changes in our lives are started to drive a wedge in our friendship.

We both come from well-to-do families, and have had our share of fun over the years. We’ve gone to parties, shared secrets over bottles of Cristal and have helped each other through sex tape scandals. You know…typical girl stuff.

For most young women, they just fantasize about dating one of the Backstreet Boys or someone from ‘Nsync, but that was a reality, at least for me…and my friend Lionelita has been my rock during all of the ups and downs. We even filmed a television show together and as anyone can tell you, it’s not all Courteney & Jennifer all the time. Plus, the most recent season was sort of a letdown professionally.

Now though, she’s drifting away. It’s almost as though she’s too good for me and the fun we used to share and all of our old friends. I hate to just write off the friendship, as my dog Binkertell would really miss the companionship.

Should I confront her? I don’t want to upset her, but I really feel as though she’s disrespecting our friendship by just casually tossing me aside for something as bourgeois as marriage.

Sincerely,
Rome Hyatt

Dear Rome…if that’s your real name,

Ah…like sand through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. Snarky empathizes with your situation, as most of her close girlfriends also had the utter audacity to up and marry right when they were all in the glorious, irresponsible late morning of their lives!

However, you can’t undo things that have already been done. Sure, you can wax poetic about the bliss of yesteryear but what is, is. Your friend is getting married and Snarky thinks that you two were probably drifting apart before the engagement was announced.

This happens. Snarky has friends from high school and college that she still keeps in pretty good touch with, but mostly, they’ve drifted apart. People go in different directions and Snarky has always thought, much like with romantic relationships, if it is meant to be, it will be. Of course, the friendship will change over time but if everyone is accepting of that and looks at it as a positive growth experience, you’ll be okay.

If you sit around and do nothing but berate the person who has moved on, maybe you need to take a good, hard look at your life and wonder why you’re so hell-bent on keeping things the way they’ve always been…or worse yet, being entirely too nostalgic for a period that has come and gone, whether you like it or not.

It’s perfectly natural to mourn the loss or change of a lifelong friendship. Now, buck up…get a pedicure and have a cocktail. You’re still fabulous.

Sincerely,
Snarky

motherboy thirty
in love with my mom dance thing
look how he zips now

apollo creed’s back
tobias not doctor house
the refills are free!

george senior parties
tea with kitty carryall
show those dolls who’s boss

anne and george michael
going to the promise land?
not that promise land

you get out of school?
that’s a cross, across from where?
necklace with the t

gob’s drunken wedding
nice to meet you, usarmy
what about your cans?

orphan george michael
sonny cher i got you babe
bring it at the waltz

It’s that time of year again, that few weeks on the cusp of the Spring season when we drink green beer, hunt for Easter eggs and try to show off our prowess of college basketball knowledge.

That’s right…it’s March Madness/NCAA Tournament time. Don’t forget…Survivor moves to Wednesdays for the next couple of weeks.

Dell over at Dell’s Diner has rigged up a Yahoo! March Madness group for bloggers. Head on over and find out how to sign up and see if you have what it takes to beat Team UberSnark.

Every few years, my alma mater makes it into the first round of the tournament. ‘Tis not to be this year though. Maybe next year, Gauchos!

True story…back in college my boyfriend was a rabid Jayhawks fan…because I was the dutiful college girlfriend who hung on every word her boyfriend said, I became a huge college basketball fan. However, I never had the nerve to ask my boyfriend where Yukon was.

Wait for it…it’ll come.

I Haven’t A Square To Spare: The Florida legislature wants to tax toilet paper. Talk about money literally going down the drain. Don’t like that? How about…what a crappy idea?

Why Yes, I Would Like Fries With That: Dutch cafeteria worker fends off robber with piping hot french fries.

Take *This* Under Advisement, Jerkweed: In the same day, I read about how Bruce Willis has threatened his daughter’s suitors with bodily harm, and an article about how he was literally all up in Lindsay Lohan’s grill. If Bruce thinks he’s tough, he’s obviously never met Ms. Lohan’s daddy.

Serves ‘Em Right: Martina Navratilova is suing the sponsor of a credit card directly marketed to gays and lesbians, saying it uses her name and likeness after her request last month to stop. Let’s all be honest here…she’s just pissed she didn’t get a 0% introductory rate.

Your My Tax Dollars At Work: Texas defends the cupcake. I swear to God…if somehow my property taxes are raised even more because of this…eh, what do I care. I’m moving to Washington in a few months.

People All Over The World, Join Hands, Start A Love Train: The think-tankers at Dartmouth University have figured out why you can’t get that damn song out of your head…hee hee…now you’ll be singing “Love Train” all day. Hee.

He Was A’ight Before, Now He’s Quite Simply…A Dork: Seacrestized “rocker” Constantine makes it through to the final 12 of American Idol. I will bet ten gazillion dollars that had he been wearing that blasted Justin Guarini t-shirt on Monday night when he was performing instead of Wednesday during the results show, he wouldn’t be coming back next week. Seriously, dude. At this stage of the competition, he should know better. At least wear a Diana Degarmo t-shirt.

I have to read The Watercooler over at TVGuide.com when it comes to Lost. Although, when I read about all I apparently miss during the episodes, I’m about ready to pack it in and enjoy my blissfully oblivious existence.

Can someone please confirm/deny the box company that Locke worked at was Hurley’s box company? I don’t doubt it, but I’d like to know the scene…or statement…that led the Watercooler folks to make this claim.

Plus, I also read somewhere that Sawyer sauntered through Boone’s backstory? Even though Lost is in repeats, I guess I need to keep watching it.

I caught the one where Sawyer was talking to Jack’s dad…and when Hurley was on Korean television…was Sayid Claire’s obstetrician in Sydney and I just missed that?

GAH!

Musings on last night’s episode of The O.C…

It disturbs me that Summer Roberts knows who Cole Trickle is.

Much like with Beverly Hills, 90210…The O.C. does a lot better when it sticks to it’s core group of characters. Lindsay? Zach? Theresa? Yard Boy? Alex? Comic Book Club extras? Monumental wastes of time.

Marissa looked cuter and sweeter in last night’s episode than she has in a long time. Of course, everyone seems to forget the last time she and Ryan went to the mall she got busted for shoplifting.

Why were those lame mall security guards prowling around like they were in Mission Impossible? And…why did they not go take a look out in the parking lot (since the kids parked RIGHT IN FRONT of the store), take down their license plate number and call the authorities? Guess they were too busy at Victoria’s Secret.

The UberHusband said it took Sandy entirely too long to look for Kirsten’s ring in the drain. Apparently, he should have been in and out of there in 15 seconds and I’m guessing Caleb’s Sad Fatherhood Tales lasted a wee tad longer than that.

Adam Brody needs to cut back on his time at the gym. Granted, the guy is 25 but no gangly, comic-book-reading Jewish boy (e.g., Seth Cohen) should have pecs like that. Seriously. His shirt looked like it was about to pop off a’la The Incredible Hulk.

The Porn Identity? Hahahahaha. This confused me though…I thought Julie got knocked up with Marissa when she was still in high school and then married Jimmy? Explanation, please.

I’m learning to like Julie Cooper. I think sh