Because the “hiatus” between seasons six and seven of The Amazing Race lasted about a nanosecond, I didn’t really have a chance to preview the teams racing so I’ll have to do that now.

Debbie & Bianca: Lifelong Friends from Virginia who like to wear high heels and fancy clothes and roller skates with tube socks. They’re “fearless and tough,” but looked awfully afraid of falling over in their short skirts during the “get to know the teams” montage. They also touch and hug. A lot.

Team Nickname: Paris & Nicole Marissa & Alex

Lynn & Alex: Boyfriends from Hollywood, California. Of course. They have claws and a frou-frou dog and I swear, Alex is half a finger-snap away from being Charlotte’s gay buddy Anthony from Sex and The City. However, these guys are no Team Cha Cha Cha and certainly aren’t Chip & Reichen.

Team Nickname: Paris & Nicole

Bahston Rahb & Ambuh of the Smokin’ Ass: Engaged Attention Whores from three seasons of Survivor. Ambuh is ready to settle down and be married and have kids and be swung around by Bahston Rahb in yards full of leaves. Bahston Rahb says they’ve experienced malnutrition and sleep-deprivation so this pesky little game shouldn’t be a problem. And, his fiancee looks hot in a bikini.

Team Nickname: Bahston Rahb & Ambuh

Ryan & Chuck: Best Friends from Inbred, South Carolina. “Meakdlakfjie dkajfdljkdfadie pppskweidkall…mmm hmm,” Chuck says. Have to agree with you there, Chuck.

Team Nickname: Team Cletus

Megan & Heidi: Blonde Best Friends from Oak Park, California. They assume correctly that we will think they’re ditzy because they’re thin and blonde and use the word “like” entirely too much.

Team Nickname: Thin & Blonde

Susan & Patrick: Gay Son and Mother Of Gay Son. They have a self-described devious side and are not the Cleavers but Mom still bakes cookies.

Team nickname: June and The Beav

Meredith & Gretchen: Token Old Fogies. What’s up with men having women’s names this season? First Lynn, now Meredith. Grandpa Girlname says, “Our key strategy is that old age and treachery can outperform youth and experience.” Buddy, do you not watch this show? Grandma Girlname asserts herself and mumbles something about everyone looking out. I’ll keep that in mind.

Team Nickname: Grandma & Grandpa Girlname

Brian & Gregg: Brothers from Los Angeles. They’re dorks and also the poster children for why women in their mid 20s gripe about no good men existing in their age bracket. It’s because they’re all working as bartenders and bouncers and pushing each other off their skateboards.

Team nickname: Dull & Duller

Chip & Kim Uchenna & Joyce: They’re running the race to get money for the baby they’ve always dreamed of. That’s a hell of a baby…hope you get your money’s worth. They’ve also been laid off from “several corporations.”

Team nickname: Team Enron

Ron & Kelly: Former POW and Pageant Queen…and that’s just Ron! Ba ha ha ha! Oh that’s right, I can’t be snarky about Ron and His Experience or else I’m a horrible person. Whatever. They’re dating long-distance and she sure doesn’t look like a Miss South Carolina anymore.

Team Nickname: Nothing about these two stood out for me to warrant anything even remotely clever so they’ll just be…Ron & Kelly. PODubya (thanks, Ty!) and Miss South Kellylina.

Ray & Deana: “Dating off and on,” which is always a recipe for drama on this show. It doesn’t help that Deana..on a good day…looks like the V-Chip. Deana is also seventeen years younger than Ray.

Team nickname: May & December