Hurley, if it makes you feel any better…I think those numbers caused the Oceanica flight to crash and it’s all your fault, too. You’re not the only one, so don’t let anyone try to tell you otherwise.

Ha.

Speculation as to Lost’s Mr. Nice Guy Hurley’s life back home ranged from people thinking he was a dot-com billionaire or a video game designer to some other sort of corporate big-wig. Personally, I thought he was a sumo wrestler. Think about it. He was on Korean television (close enough), is rather large and said he was considered a warrior back home.

Anyhoo…none of those are correct. He just won the lottery. But, not just any lottery people, a gi-normous Lottery of Death and Pain! At the big press conference, Grandpa drops dead. The priest at Grandpa’s funeral gets hit by lightning. His brother’s girlfriend leaves him. Mom breaks her ankle while Hurley is showing her the new McMansion he bought her…and 8 people die in a fire at a company his accountant informs Hurley he owns, while a guy falls off the building and careens down the side outside said accountant’s window.

But…it’s not a curse! DON’T SAY THAT! Bad things happen, Hurley…suck it up!

Kinda makes me glad the UberHusband and I didn’t win MegaMillions on Tuesday night…nah, not really. That kind of thing could never happen to us.

But…how did Hurley get these non-cursed numbers?

Okay…see if you can follow the Three Degrees of Island Separation game at home:

  • Hurley wins the lottery using a series of numbers he got from a guy in the psych ward where Hurley/Hugo worked? Was admitted? Psych Ward Guy tells him the numbers aren’t cursed, but bad things sure do happen. GET. AWAY. FROM. THE. NUMBERS. He got the numbers from an old Navy buddy, along with many stories of agony and despair because of…the numbers.
  • Navy Buddy was just sitting around one day, sixteen years ago, monitoring audio frequencies in the ocean when all of a sudden…he started hearing the numbers spoken over and over. When he went home, horrible things happened to the people around him and his wife lost her leg in a car crash that didn’t even scratch Navy Buddy up. They moved to literally, the middle of nowhere in Australia hoping to avoid the non-curse. Navy Buddy wound up blowing his brains out to end the non-curse on his end. Hurley knows this because he went to visit the Navy Buddy and instead spoke with his widow who got very indignant when Hurley mentioned the word “cursed.” Then, Hurley got on a plane back to the US and crashed into an island.
  • Turns out, ma cherie Danielle also heard the non-cursed numbers distress call in the ocean while on her Ship of Doom. Wouldn’t you know it, the boat has problems, they all wind up on the island and everyone dies except for…Danielle. The numbers were coming from a radio tower on the island and once everyone died and she was alone, she went to the radio tower and changed the distress call to the one we all heard at the beginning of the season.

    • So, ma cherie Danielle and Hurley have something in common! Hurley spies his winning lotto numbers on one of Danielle’s maps and sets off on a quest to find her and a battery (or, “battry” for all you Charlie-fans) for the raft that will never be completed. When he does find Danielle, she appears surprisingly…soft to me…even with that big rifle in her hand. Hurley unloads his story, she unloads hers…they hug and Hurley brings a battery back to camp. He hands it off to Sayid with a, “She says ‘Hey’”. Ha! This is great!

    In other island news, Locke makes a cradle for Rosemary’s ClaireBaby which funny thing, was big enough to fit Claire methinks, Hurley is unimpressed by Charlie’s heroin-abuse confession (and Charlie doesn’t believe Hurley’s a lottery winner), Jack’s looking like more and more of a dork each week and…Jin and Michael can’t build a raft to save their life. No pun intended. Hey Jin…would be pretty cool to have Sun around to translate, eh?

    Lost is a repeat next week…WTF? We’ll get to see Nahte Mor again, if you’re interested.

    And oh…the numbers…they’re etched on the radio tower so (that’s what it looked like to me but TV Guide says they were etched on the hatch Locke was trying to crack into), if our castaways could actually make contact with someone (which they won’t), they could probably just give them those numbers and they’d be saved. Which they won’t. You know it’ll take them at least two seasons to figure out where the numbers came from, though.