Previously on The Amazing Race…Grandma & Grandpa Girlname played the “poor us, Social Security doesn’t give us enough money to buy food” card, Bahston Rahb continued to endear himself to his fellow Race contestants and Thin & Blonde hit the Mat of Judgment last.

Nine teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

I always find it interesting when I read articles about how this is the best season ever of The Amazing Race, yet I am left slightly chilled by it. Other than Bahston Rahb and Amber, I’m not really rooting for anyone and am saddened by the lack of drama, which is completely laughable since all I did last season was bitch about…well…all the drama.

Bienvenido a Santiago, el capital de Chile, nestled near the Andean foothills. Phil is wearing a pair of oddly-fitting jeans as he shows us the pit stop for this last leg of the race.

Bahston Rahb & Ambuh, fresh off of 12 hours of scheming, planning and mingling with the other teams, depart first at 12:34 a.m. Clue rip. “Drahive youselves to da Andes mountains.” Or, at least, I’m pretty sure that’s what Rahb said. Teams must travel 150 miles to Argentina and find the bridge known as Puente Viejo. The cahrs ahre mahked and pahked at Bulnes Cahrpahrk. Bahston Rahb thinks he and Ambuh are living the American dream. I don’t know about you, but my dream isn’t to wander around Santiago in the middle of the night. San Diego perhaps, but not Santiago.

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina depart second. “I’m not sure at this point if I wanna marry Kelly or not. She’s rushing too much. I’m not about to get married and have kids right away.” Then pal…why are you with her? Seriously. She doesn’t look like a beauty queen anymore and frankly, I find you to be wussy and annoying, an odd combination for a former Apache helicopter pilot. Even the UberHusband, a former Army officer himself, isn’t impressed with you.

Jonathan BakerMay and December leave third…and I actually remembered who they were this episode, probably due to me renaming him Jonathan BakerMay. And…on the third leg of the race, we see the first signs of a cracking team and wouldn’t you know it, it’s these guys. December whines, “You’re always ignoring me. I”m sick of it,” to which JBM replies, “She wants to have me usher her through every situation and I think she needs to step up and do it herself.” Nice. There’s nothing more heartwarming than a loving, supportive partner who understands your weaknesses and tries to help you work through them in a constructive manner. {{blissful sigh}}

Team Enron departs fourth. It would be really funny if somehow she managed to get pregnant on The Amazing Race. I know the offshore betting folks have tagged these two as the eventual winners but that would just be too schmaltzy for me.

Paris & Nicole depart fifth. They also mention the Yield (Bahston Rahb & Ambuh did first) so…y’all think there’s a Yield ahead? Huh? Huh? Their strategy to win is basically to get rid of Bahston Rahb and Ambuh, which is great in theory if you think they’re the only strong team running the race but…psst…come here…they’re not. Don’t put all your eggs in one fabulous basket there, boys.

Marissa & Alex depart sixth. They’ve been friends since they were little girls…yadda yadda…strength and determination…blah blah…sorry. I don’t listen to much of what they say. Sorry, Michael.

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname leave seventh. Grandma admittedly has a hard time keeping her mouth shut, as she likes to verbalize her emotions. Don’t feel pity for long-suffering Grandpa though, she “makes it up to him in a lot of other ways.” She says this with an odd smirk, which…you know, I’m all for older generations getting their freak on, but combine that with her “verbalizing her emotions” comment…I just don’t need to know that much.

June and The Beav slink out eighth. June thinks The Beav needs a boyfriend, because it appears as though her son is incapable of doing anything on his own. However, he is very effective at whining on his own. I can’t believe June would want to inflict that on some other guy. The Beav thinks his mom wants him to find someone to take care of him. Well, at least their stories match.

Finally, Dull and Duller bring up the rear and leave last, still heartbroken after summer camp crushes Thin and Blonde were eliminated. Aww. “We had a taste of what elimination might taste like.” Wait until later in the episode, boys. Maybe I’m just in a sick sort of mood but…anyhoo…Dull is confused. “Argentina?”

Bahston Rahb and Ambuh arrive at the Cahrpahrk and surprise surprise…it doesn’t open until 5 a.m. They decide to get a room. PODubya and Miss South Kellylina decide to walk around. Jonathan BakerMay and December grab a couple of seats on the bench and everyone else decides to camp out except for Marissa and Alex, who go to the hotel to get directions on where they need to go next.

Meanwhile…at the Hall of Injustice, Rahb & Ambuh are rested, refreshed, walk right up and steal Marissa and Alex’s cab. The girls offered the guy 4 somethings to wait; Rahb offered ten. Ha. That’s so great. “That’ll teach ‘em for accusing someone of lying!” What’s even funnier is the shot of Alex and Marissa in the Sheraton, completely clueless as to what’s going on.

5 a.m. Mad rush through da cahrpahrk to find da mahrked cahrs. And again, Bahston Rahb does the unphilievable and manages to score a police escort to the freeway. I was flabbergasted by this, and asked the UberHusband how he can possibly keep getting all this help? Apparently, the answer was quite simple. “He’s nice and polite. Amazing what people will do when you’re polite,” mused the UberHusband. Huh. Go figure.

June and The Beav are lost and The Beav annoyingly shushes his mom when she asks if the guy at the gas station has a map. That’s not cool. Don’t shush your mom, you putz. And Beav…you suck at giving directions.

Anxious orchestra music carries several of our teams off Al Norte and toward the Andes except for…Marissa and Alex, who continue to The North. Oops.

The elevation and zig-zaggy roads are getting to Grandma & Grandpa Girlname. He can’t breathe, she’s nauseous. How’d you like to be their camera crew what with their physical ailments and sexual banter?

Meanwhile, back in Santiago…June and The Beav are still…um…in Santiago. How tough is this? Are these two so lacking in social skills or common sense that they can’t buy a map or smile and ask someone for help? And, I totally mean that in an Eddie Haskell sort of way.

Speaking of dumb people, Marissa and Alex stop at a toll booth after realizing they haven’t entered Argentina yet and when they ask the chick if they’re anywhere near Punte Viejo, she incredulously answers “PUNTE VIEJO?” and rolls back on her heels in that “You guys are so far off track but I’m guessing you’re not going to ask me how to get to your destination, because you are dumb, silly American girls” way. So, what do Marissa and Alex do? They keep driving.

Uchenna and Joyce (now I remember their names, so I can call them something other than Team Enron) are growing on me. Miss South Kellylina thinks Heaven looks like the Andes. Sweetie…ever seen Alive? You don’t know the half of it.

Rahb & Ambuh arrive at the route marker first and yep, it’s a Yield. No one Yields anyone, though. Clue rip. Detour. In this Detour, we’re back to Good Choice and Bad Choice. In Good Choice, teams raft seven miles down the river. In Bad Choice, teams bike seven miles down a train trellis. You make the call. Naturally, only Dull and Duller choose Bad Choice but what’s great about this is, usually the Detour tasks are off in opposite directions and the teams do their own thing. This time though, when Dull and Duller get a flat tire up on the hill, all they can do is stare down at the river and watch team after team after team pass them by. Hee.

Paris & Nicole are out for blood. They want to beat Bahston Rahb & Ambuh. Badly. I must say, I’m impressed by Paris & Nicole’s gumption. The determined little buggers quickly take advantage of Ambuh’s lack of upper body strength and Bahston Rahb’s lack of style and paddle into first place. Ambuh’s critical mistake is she was trying to paddle with her arms, when she should have been paddling with her entire body. Oh well…hindsight.

Paris & Nicole are downright giddy. Clue rip. Teams must now drive themselves Over! Seventy! Miles! to the city of Mendoza and a traditional Argentine barbecue to get their next clue. Really? Food? Yum! Have I mentioned Paris & Nicole are so very proud of themselves for beating Bahston Rahb and Ambuh?

Our Amazing Quote of the Week comes from Survivor Sweetheart Ambuh:

“The whole entire time I just kept thinking, you’re getting in shape, you’re getting in shape. You’re burning fat calories. You have to get married soon. You have to fit into a dress. Keep rowing!”

Fantastic…Marissa & Alex have hit the ocean! “The key to the clue was…go through the Andes.” Uh…ya think? While the scenery is beautiful, they finally decide to stop and ask someone where in the Hell they are and sonofagun, they’re two hours off track! Why didn’t you women ask the toll booth operator an hour ago? Were you embarrassed? Did your Lonely Planet South America guide tell you not to ask for directions because pissy locals will send you the opposite direction? GAH!

Paris & Nicole arrive at Ye Olde Argentine Barbecue and hit…a Roadblock. “Who’s not a vegetarian?” I’m not! What? I have to eat what? 4 lbs. of various meaty odds and ends (or as Phil called it, “a traditional Argentine meal”), including cow ribs, pork sausage, blood sausage, cow intestine, cow udder, an entire kidney and part of a cow’s saliva gland. Can I at least get a little Hollandaise sauce? Some Bernaise? A bottle of A-1?

Oh, good Lord. “When they’ve finished eating, they’ll get their next clue,” Phil states matter-of-factly. Sigh. I don’t think the eating “tasks” can get worse each season, but they do. I thought Chip and Reichen eating little moving octopi was bad. I thought kilograms of caviar was bad. I thought that hideous Hungarian soupslop from last season was bad. I. Was. Wrong.

Nicole starts right in and, you can so tell he’s the man in the relationship. That’s okay, I’m just making an observation. Now, I thought Bahston Rahb would blow right through this considering all the crap he ate on Survivor but then again, it’s four pounds of “food.” I don’t think I could eat four pounds of anything…maybe Twinkies. Maybe macaroni and cheese.

Marissa and Alex finally make it to Puente Viejo and paddle down the mighty Mississipiandes. Do we care though? They’re so in last place.

Nicole is the first to yak, which pretty much seals the deal for Bahston Rahb. In a questionable, although original strategic move, Bahston Rahb & Ambuh decide to take the four-hour penalty (from the time the next team arrives at the task), so he doesn’t have to eat any more cow innards. Better than not finishing at all, I suppose…and it’s a sure thing that he won’t be last because several other teams haven’t even shown up yet.

Poor Deana sits down to eat and I’m so glad her team followed suit and took the penalty because I can just see Jonathan BakerMay going all Jonathan Baker on his gal pal and this task ending in crying and screeching and vomiting and whatnot. It’s too early in the season. Angst, I can do…male/female interpersonal drama? Give me a little more time, please. I’m still getting over Team Potato Head from last month.

Did you hear? PODubya was an Iraqi prisoner of war! “Well today is probably the worst eating experience I’ve ever had in my entire life. And mind you, I LOST TWENTY FIVE POUNDS IN ABOUT EIGHTEEN DAYS IN AN IRAQI PRISON. Not to say the food in the Iraqi prison wasn’t bad, but I didn’t have to eat four pounds of it.” So, what’s your point, caller? I lost 15 lbs. in about eighteen days when I started Atkins. Not to say the food on Atkins wasn’t bad, but I did have to eat four pounds of it. Paper covers rock.

More yakking…more Argentine barbecue gurus laughing at our teams. Grandma & Grandpa Girlname bail out and take their penalty so now, all our three penalized teams can do is sit around and wait and watch and thank their lucky stars they’re not eating. But, Uchenna is no wussy boy and finishes his “meat.” Atta boy. I like him…his wife…jury’s still out on her. But, Uchenna reminds me alot of Chip and that’s a good thing. Clue rip. Go to the pit stop…Estancia San Isidro or as I like to call it, The Most Beautiful Spot in South America.

Nicole finishes second and it’s the mad dash to the mat of judgment! Beautiful scenery! Beautiful local woman! Beautiful Phil!

Paris & Nicole…you’re team number 1! And then…I kid you not…Nicole spikes the clue on the ground. Even funnier…the clue bounced! Ha! They demonstrate the paddling technique they used to beat Bahston Rahb and Ambuh as a befuddled Phil looks on and…they get no prize for coming in first. Ha! Super job boys…you’ve beaten Ambuh & Rahb…now what are you going to do?

Team Enron is team number two. Phil rather rudely points out that even though Uchenna inhaled massive quantities of nasty-ass food, he was beaten on the drive by The Fabulous Butch Boys. Hmm. Methinks it might be time for a team name change.

June and The Beav are driving to Ye Olde Argentine Barbecue and she’s eating a candy bar. Zoiks! Duller finishes eating, PODubya finishes and The Beav decides to tackle the Amazing Meat Challenge because Mom’s tummy is full of chocolate.

Dull, Duller, PODubya and Miss South Kellylina are teams three and four. Eh.

I was honored to be able to witness this touching mother/son exchange. So were Grandma & Grandpa Girlname, as the Amazing Cameramen kept cutting to them smiling knowingly.

The Beav: It’s just so much food, I don’t think it can fit in my stomach.

June: Do it!
The Beav: Yeah. You see, this is why I need you to be quiet (condescending look at June).

The Beav: If you were doing this, I would have sympathy for you.
June: I would start vomiting.
The Beav: No, you wouldn’t.
June: Oh, yes I would.
The Beav: You would be curled up in the fetal position, crying.

June: I would vomit!
The Beav: The more you do this, the more it makes me want to not do it just to spite you, because you’re being so insensitive about this.
June: This could be it. It could be over. You decide what you want to do.
The Beav: I will decide what I’m going to do. I cannot believe you.

What a twit. Seriously. I want to beat up The Beav. What a pathetic excuse for an adult child. The fact that June just sits there and takes it…in my opinion, says a lot. He’s just a spoiled, whiny, selfish brat. You just know that instead of supporting June if she were to tackle the challenge, he’d sit there and probably mock her.

And…Marissa and Alex, fresh off their Argentine National Tour, arrive finally. Alex unbuttons her pants and prepares for the feast. Yum.

Bahston Rahb & Ambuh arrive at the pit stop fifth, and Phil is impressed with Rahb’s ability to manipulate the other teams. “There are teams at the Roadblock that aren’t moving because you convinced them not to move!” Yeah, well, he’s crafty like that.

Ultimately…Marissa and Alex arrive at the Mat of Judgment last, but not before actually completing the “food” challenge. Unphilievable. Although I’ve never been a fan of Marissa and Alex, much like the Mormon Bikini Team of last season, they started to grow on me about ten minutes before they were eliminated. That can’t be a coincidence…I think it’s clever editing. At the end, I was so hoping June and The Beav would be last because they are so damn annoying.

Oh well. Sorry your girls were ousted, Michael.

On the next episode of The Amazing Race…Jonathan BakerMay and December officially transform into Jonathan & Victoria and horses throw team members around. Pray they finally get out of South America.