Previously on The Amazing Race, nine teams ventured into the Andes and didn’t turn into cannibals, Bahston Rahb continued his Pied Piper trek through South America, The Beav showed his pissier side and Alex and Marissa saw some pretty scenery but ultimately landed on the Mat of Judgment last and were eliminated.
Eight teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?
Opening credits. I know I mentioned Alex & Marissa and their roller skating tube top action before, but I hadn’t noticed The Fabulous Butch Boys sashaying out of dressing rooms and pointing at each other’s fabulously fabulous shirts…or Joyce trying to kick Uchenna…or Bahston Rahb and Ambuh sitting around on the floor counting her money (okay, I made that up)…or…June and The Beav looking so mommy/sonny and fake.
Anyhoo…Phil welcomes us back to Argentina, the pit stop for this, the 42nd consecutive leg of The Amazing Race to be run in South America. I’m so tired of this continent. I think next season, The Amazing Planners need to go backwards. Start off in Hawaii and work their way East. No more of this elementary BS where they send the teams first to countries where they might be able to communicate (i.e., speak Spanish), send them to China.
The Fabulous Butch Boys, in first place and oddly, without a First Place Prize, depart at 3:49 a.m. Sadly, they aren’t wearing “We Beat Bahston Rahb & Ambuh” matching t-shirts with plucky little cap sleeves, which I half-expected them to have made before they left for just such an auspicious occasion.
Clue rip. Teams must drive themselves to Cabana La Guatana (hee…it’s a horse ranch…hee) to get their next clue.
Uchenna & Joyce leave second. They’re going to continue to support each other, with Uchenna affectionately calling his wife, “Babycakes.” At least, I assume it was an affectionate term and not a reference to the hideous Ricki Lake film of the same name.
Speaking of affectionate terms, as The Fabulous Butch Boys are driving merrily along, they encounter an apparently clueless Argentine driver who apparently tried to run our boys off the road. BEEP. “Don’t run me off the road, beeyotch.” BEEP.
I think I’ve isolated the source of Uchenna & Joyce’s struggles with fertility…and it’s Uchenna. They’re driving down the road and he says, “It’s like GIVIN’ BIRTH, MAN…tryin’ to find directions!” Huh? I haven’t given birth but for anyone who has, can you please explain that analogy to me? Muchas gracias.
PODubya and Miss South Kellylina, along with Dull and Duller, depart next and demonstrate the fine art of simultaneous clue-ripping. PODubya states that he and his beauty queen girlyfriend don’t have any long-term alliances but (Don’t forget! He was in the military!), “Comin’ from the military you’re used to bein’ able to trust people but this is completely different.” (“Like I trusted my wingman to keep me from gettin’ shot down” -UberHusband)
Dull and Duller don’t have much to say except they get $45 for this leg of the race, they’re going to follow the Soldier and the Bobby Soxer and they’re very happy they’ve moved up in the place standings. I suspect they are engaged in a long-term alliance with their knitted caps, but only time will tell if that will work out for them or not.
The Fabulous Butch Boys arrive at Ye Old Argentine Horse Stable and…it doesn’t open until 6:30 a.m. Sunrise in the Andes. Damn. What a beautiful vista.
6:30 a.m. Clue rip. Roadblock . Who’s ready to horse around? Oh please, don’t make them eat four pounds of horse. Please. Teams must participate in a traditional Gaucho challenge, and I was disappointed that it wasn’t Halloween in Isla Vista, which was the traditional challenge back when I was a Gaucho. Ah, how times have changed.
They must ride a horse around a series of barrels, then poke a stick through a ring at a moderately high rate of speed…and they must do it within 40 seconds (the competitive time for an Argentine cowboy) to get their next clue. Again, if they wanted to be authentic Gauchos, they’d play a game of Sloshball with some nerdy college sophomores. But, I digress. At least they get to wear a helmet. I wasn’t as lucky.
Bahston Rahb & Ambuh finally depart…and Rahb immediately wants to take another vehicle that has more gas, and thankfully Ambuh tells him they can’t do that. Would have been a great idea if stealing someone else’s car didn’t immediately give you a penalty.
Poor Joyce…her horse was NOT happy with her and promptly flung her to the ground. “Can I pick another horse?” No. Sorry. Fabulous Butch Boy #1 completes the task. Clue rip. Teams must now fly to Buenos Aires. Cripes. Haven’t we already been there like, five times? Please? Can we go someplace else like… Antarctica?
Teams need to get to the airport where they will take one of two available flights…one for the fast teams and the other for the pathetic teams in last place who left five hours after The Fabulous Butch Boys. I miss the old days when The Amazing Planners left everyone to their own devices for booking flights. Again, that’s what made Mary and Peach arrive a day later than everyone else way back when…but it definitely added an element of drama.
When they land, they must go to the English Clock Tower and find the creepy guy who looks like an Argentine flasher (nice hat, pal), who will give them their next clue.
PODubya and Miss South Kellylina are in third place as Dull and Duller miss their exit and continue down the highway, I imagine, toward the coast in search of Alex and Marissa. Miss South Kellylina volunteers to be the nag to ride the nag as Mr. Look At Me, Look At Me comments to uninterested Argentine cowboys with, “I got to eat crap yesterday. She gets to ride a horse. I just want y’all to know that.” Like they care.
Third time’s the charm for poor Joyce, who finally gets her horse to play nice so they can finish the challenge. Miss South Kellylina shows her true Southern Belle skills by expertly navigating her horse through the course and completing it in 39 seconds, a new record for the competitive American beauty queen circuit.
I admire people who can ride horses. Other than ponies at the fair or the petting zoo, the world of equine fun has never been my thing. Dull and Duller arrive…still in fourth place…and complete the course in 33.75 seconds. Well heck, if they can do it…
The Fabulous Baker Boys and Team Enron arrive at the airport and are all giggly that they’ll be five hours ahead of the other teams. You guys are so naive, I swear. You don’t think they’ve got some sort of challenge that will bunch you all up again? Silly, silly gauchfauxs.
Oh wait…there are still teams who haven’t even left the last pit stop yet! Jonathan BakerMay and December leave in sixth place. JBM doesn’t like hanging out with bottom-feeders and “being associated with teams of that caliber.” Buddy…there’re only two teams behind you. At what point do you, by sheer position, also become one of the bottom-feeders? Personally, I think it was Week One but that’s just me.
Grandma & Grandpa Girlname depart seventh and thankfully, Grandma doesn’t slip any sexual innuendo into her comments about keeping up with the young people. She also doesn’t want Grandpa to run over any of the animals on the side of the road because she would like the same courtesy extended to her. If the need arose, you know.
June and I Hate The Beav leave…last. They’re the bottomest of the bottom-feeders. June is motivated and thinks they can move up. The Beav knows they’ve lost so, instead of changing his crappy-ass attitude, he gives in to the self-fulfilling prophecy he has created for him and him alone, dragging down that lady next to him called his teammate.
Did I mention Bahston Rahb & Ambuh were lost? They’re out and about, driving around and then…sonofagun…there’s where we’re supposed to go! The UberHusband and I have discussed this and think there’s just no way these guys could be operating under such a lucky sign. Again, I’m gunning for them to win but…I don’t know. And of course, Bahston Rahb has ridden a horse before. Ambuh thought he looked cute on a horse. Aww.
The Four Teams That Hate Bahston Rahb & Ambuh snark and snit about how they’re not quitters as they board the first flight to Buenos Aires…then…guess who boards! To quote Nelson from The Simpsons, “Haw HAWWWW!”
I’m trying to figure out why The Fabulous Butch Boys hate Team Survivor so much. Seriously. And, The Beav thinks it’s okay to run over clowns if they’re impeding the flow of traffic or, more specifically, his car.
Remember Colin’s broken ox from two seasons ago? Well, Deana’s horse is broken this season! Oh wait…no he’s not, although, we do discover the root of Ray & Deana’s relationship issues. They think if you kick something…harder, it’ll do what you want. That doesn’t work with horses, Deana, and doesn’t work with girlfriends, Ray. Whine, yell, complain, badger, intimidate, scream, bully…you know, the usual. Then, Ray tells Deana not to give up. Whatever. It’s amazing how supportive Ray got all of a sudden when June and The Beav showed up. That was interesting. Then, she finishes and he’s all proud of her. I don’t get them.
Ray’s “not a back of the pack” kind of person. Um, yes…yes you are. Get used to it.
And, it wouldn’t be The Amazing Race without listening to yet another tender exchange between June and The Beav, after The Beav finishes the course in an astonishing three days, far short of the 40 seconds required for Competitive Gay Gauchoing:
The Beav: My legs are killing me.
June: You don’t even have your feet in the stirrups!
The Beav: Hey Mom, let’s try being quiet while I’m doing this. I need to concentrate.
June: If you can get him at a fast pace, let’s start back here further…The Beav (interrupting Mom): That’s easy for you to say. It doesn’t help at all to hear your mom nagging at you while you’re trying to do this.
June: I was gonna help you but…
The Beav (interrupting Mom again, this time through clenched teeth): Mom. I want you to stop before we have an embarrassing moment.
Meanwhile, in Buenos Aires, Rahb & Ambuh take the early lead and find the Creepy Clue Guy. Clue rip. Navigate yourselves via train to the city of Tigre and da dahcks. Perfect. Rahb is prahbahbly pretty good with da dahcks. All five teams on the first flight make the first train to Tigre. Snarly scowls and looks all around…except for Rahb. Rahb just smirks.
This week’s Amazing Quote award goes to Fabulous Butch Boy #1, describing their favorite reality television personalities:
“The bottom line is, they’re kind of like an STD. You gotta protect yourself from them and the only way you can do that is to just keep yourself away from them.”
Running away from the Survivor Transmitted Disease as fast as they can, The Fabulous Butch Boys arrive at the clue box first. Clue rip. Detour! I can’t decide which task was Good Choice and which was Bad…they both seemed pretty lame. Find a shipwrecked boat in a large mass of water, but there are many shipwrecked boats and the only guide you have is a 30-year old photo. Or, boat down the river and find an island. {Stacy shrugs her shoulders}. Dunno. I still miss that Ikea Detour from last season where they had to build a desk or count frying pans.
PODubya is riding on his boat and showing The Amazing Camera Team (who looks to be on another boat) the map and what they need to do. Do you know how badly I wanted that map to get caught by the wind, fly out of his hand and go flying into the water?
Please…Bahston Rahb…no more “Holy Cannoli.” Please. Cannoli is not holy.
Rahb & Ambuh find their shipwreck though, and receive their next clue. Clue rip. Take a cab 35 miles to the pit stop…La Martina…the most prestigious polo club in Argentina. However, half of the teams haven’t even made it to Buenos Aires yet, I don’t think.
Gaucho Joe and Phil are waiting on the Mat of Judgment as Bahston Rahb and Ambuh run up and are declared Team Number One. The Amazing Producers, apparently bored with American Airlines Vacations, have given the Survivor Sweethearts a trip to London courtesy of Travelocity. Hmm. Again…I’m wondering why The Fabulous Baker Boys didn’t get a trip. Hugs.
In a stunning turn of events, Dull and Duller show up in second place. No hugs.
Uchenna and Joyce are team number three. Hugs.
PODubya and Miss South Kellylina arrive fourth. No hugs. Actually, I don’t think they even smiled at each other at what should have been good news.
Jonathan BakerMay is an ass, picking on Grandma & Grandpa Girlname. He will not allow himself to be beaten by a couple of geezers who “are a couple of decades from where they need to be.” That man either has no soul or has terribly low-self esteem. Could be both.
Ultimately, June and The Beav arrive last on the Mat of Judgment and I for one, am relieved. After watching The Beav be all smug in thinking he was in front of two other teams and then to be surprised with a nice jolt of reality, well, serves you right you pompous dork. Self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think you’re going to lose, you’ll lose.
What was so sad though, was that usually teams, when they lose, at least give the feigned impression that they’re better off having had the experience. June is upset. She’s crying. Phil asks The Beav why he thinks his mom is so upset and he says, “I don’t know. Maybe you should answer that one, Mom.”
Maybe you should move far away, Patrick. She’s crying and you’re just standing there, cruelly enjoying every second of watching your mom lose. That scene sent chills up my spine.
Next week, on a special I-Can’t-Recap-Two-Hours episode of The Amazing Race, people get hurt, Deana says “I can’t” again and Team Enron goes to an orphanage. Uh oh.
