Let me say this upfront…I did not watch The Bachelor last night. I watched the first 25 minutes, which isn’t even 25% of the show, so for all intents and purposes, I didn’t watch it…keeping my vow to not watch this silly excuse for televised drivel anymore.

However…

I was impressed that ABC managed to scrape the bottom of the barrel for the folks it was able to con into going on the show. J-list actor Charlie O’Connell? Are you kidding me? There were only two women I liked (one of them being a labor & delivery nurse who lives up the highway from me) and I was hoping and praying the whole time that Chucky would send them home so they could find real men who don’t look like they’re half a nose twitch away from snorting while they laugh.

For the first time in my many seasons of Bachelor watching, I finally caught on to the secret of the show:

Lap Dance = Rose

It’s as simple as that. I can’t believe I didn’t catch on to that when Heather From Texas was in the hot tub with Aaron Buerge a million years ago. Maybe I was unwilling to relinquish the faith that ultimately, women have dignity and respect for themselves.

I kept hoping Febreze would show up for his two minutes to make a first impression with Chucky…no luck. Oh well.