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Part 1 of 2…

Previously on The Amazing Race…everyone continued to hate Bahston Rahb & Ambuh, Jonathan BakerMay continued to vehemently discriminate against Grandma & Grandpa Girlname…and June and The Beav will have some ’splaining to do to Ward when he realizes they shamed the family name by being, well, themselves and securing the last place position on the Mat of Judgment.

Seven teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

In case you’ve missed all of the episodes so far this season, we’re in Argentina. Still. But, this time we’re at a pretty polo club so I guess that makes up for the fact that by this point, all teams should be fluent in Spanish but sadly, aren’t.

Bahston Rahb & Ambuh are the first team to depart at 3:00 a.m. I love how right before each team departs, the Amazing Producers show them when they arrive, smiling and high-fiving and happy to be done with the leg and then shows them as they depart…tired, not smiling and usually in the dark. Fun.

Clue rip. Teams must travel more than five thousand miles to Johannesburg, South Africa. Cripes. Finally. When they land, they’ll pick a marked car and find their next clue. “Throughout this entire race, there has been a gahrdian angel lookin’ out for Ambuh and I.” Amber and me! Amber and me! GAH!

Dull and Duller depart second and claim to be the only team not in a relationship, which means they won’t fight and pick at each other. Dude….other dude…you are in a relationship…you’re brothers. Siblings are not exempt from self-destructing as a team. Although personally, I don’t think either of you would put for the effort to actually fight if the need arose, so you might have a point.

Airport shuffle. “I’d like a flight to Johannesburg, South Africa.” It’s so funny to hear people say that because they might as well be asking for a plane ticket to the moon. “Por supuesto,” the perky ticket agent responds, “The first flight leaves at 10:55 a.m. and gets you there sometime next month.”

Uchenna & Joyce depart third and are either very excited to be going to Johannesburg or very excited to be leaving South America. Uchenna thinks they need to trust their instincts…Miss South Kellylina thinks she and PODubya are “working through their differences” and don’t forget about The Fabulous Butch Boys…they’re here to WIN!

What’s with the teams having to check their bags? Woooweeeeeeeee…that’ll slow you down. I remember when the UberHusband and I got back from Hawaii and had to wait for our bags…oh, never mind.

Jonathan BakerMay and December leave sixth and once again, we’re told that JBM “Cannot stand being in the back.” He can’t take it. It’s not him. Buddy! Pal! IT IS YOU! IT IS YOU! “Deana hopefully feels the same way.” I have a sneaking suspicion that Deana’s well aware that you’re a bottom-feeder and that you are a permanent back-of-the-packer. Proof is in the pudding, my friend.

And finally…Grandma & Grandpa Girlname round out our bottom two (where’s Ryan Seacrest when you need him?) and this time, Grandma doesn’t have a single pearl of wisdom about how they will persevere or overcome or how she’ll make sure Grandpa stays happy. I think Grandma Girlname’s time would be better spent plotting against Jonathan BakerMay because he has got it out for them. What’s his deal? Did his grandma not make blackberry jam with him when he was a kid?

In case you’re wondering, the total flying time between Buenos Aires and Johannesburg (counting the layover in Sao Paulo) is 14 hours and 45 minutes, per Verig’s website. So, it would make sense that Jonathan BakerMay would “work it” and manage to snag first class seats for him and his whipping girl so they can get off the plane first. I hope they kept quiet. No one in first class likes to listen to a bickering couple with a hovering camera crew.

I hate baggage claim…especially when there are marked cars outside just waiting for me. I still don’t get why some teams had to check their bags and others didn’t but nevertheless, our Unclassy First Classers find their car first. Clue rip.

“Drive yourselves to the local television station, where Dr. Phil will be there waiting with a copy of his latest book, Relationship Rescue. Once you have both read it and Dr. Phil believes you have a firm grasp on what makes a relationship work, he will give you your next clue.”

What? Huh? Oh sorry…slipped off to a daydream for a minute. Clue rip. Fast Forward! No! No! No! They can’t use the Fast Forward but I suppose it would get them out of the bottom-feeding-back-of-the-pack. Oh geez, all they have to do is cross a suspension bridge. If Hurley can do it on Lost, surely these two can.

The Fabulous Butch Boys are in second place. Clue-rip. Detour! In this Detour, teams must climb through tunnels or allow a tribesman to stab them. No, that’s not right. They need to repel down 45 feet into a series of tunnels, searching an underground labyrinth for a clue or deliver a series of items to the tribe that each item belongs to. Uh…duh. That’s a no-brainer. Avoid things you have to do in the dark, if at all possible.

Speaking of no brains, Bahston Rahb and Ambuh also go for the Fast Forward. Their gahrdian angel must have been eating, sleeping and mingling with the other gahrdian angels because not only do they have trouble finding the location, once they do get there and realize Jonathan BakerMay and December are already in the process of completing the terrifying task, instead of being smahrt and heading back out, they stand around and wait. Let me tell you something. Unless the Fast Forward involves shaving my head, I’m going to complete it if I start it.

How Miss South Kellylina considers “25 kilometers that way” perfect directions…I don’t know. Sometimes I think the Amazing Editors do that thing they do just so I can point out how what teams say and what they do oftentimes make no sense whatsoever.

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina, along with the Dullermint Twins, repel down to the center of the South African earth. Miss South Kellylina says it’s “like being in the Army!” The UberHusband just shakes his head in disbelief when people say things like that.

Congratulations…our snarly dating couple has won the Fast Forward and can skip all remaining tasks and head straight to the pit stop, the Soweto Outlook, down the street from where Nelson Mandela once lived. They better not get a prize, if for no other reason than Jonathan BakerMay is a jerk to Deana. “I have so much more faith in you than you have in yourself. You could be so much more than you give yourself credit for.” Gee, thanks honey. Why don’t you get your ass up here and drive the car so I can have 100% faith in myself…sitting in the backseat of the car.

Rahb & Ambuh are lost again and stop off at a hospital, where Ambuh is immediately recognized and they get their directions. Their gahrdian angel must not be on a break anymore.

I have to tell you…that underground tunnel task is a bitch. Like I said…don’t do anything in the dark, especially when you have to find something. That didn’t come out right. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. This might explain why PODubya and Miss South Kellylina made it out of the tunnel without a clue. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. The Dullermint Twins literally stumble (can you stumble when you’re crawling?) across the clue and now, in second place, must now travel to Soweto, and find a “sprawling market.” PODubya and Miss South Kellylina find their clue and also crawl out of the depths of hell.

The Fabulous Butch boys, out of breath, in fourth place and full of tribal joy…begin their trek to Soweto as Grandma & Grandpa Girlname go underground with Team Enron.

The Soweto Outlook…the pit stop for this leg of the race…looks like…a…vacant lot. Is it politically incorrect for me to say that? Why is Phil smiling? Ray & Deana…YOU ARE TEAM NUMBER ONE! Holy cannoli…they gave these guys Toyota Rav4s. One for each of them. Sweet prize, yet incredibly undeserving recipients.

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina find the sprawling market clue box first. Clue rip. Roadblock. One team member has to buy five items for a local orphanage…then they’ll get their next clue. Big whoop. Time-killer. Teams must then deliver the items to the Orlando Children’s Home. Once they deliver the items, the director will give them a child their next clue.

Meanwhile…Grandma Girlname doesn’t want to give up and is way too loud. Everything is soooooooooo dramatic with her and I’m starting to empathize with Jonathan BakerMay. So of course, she has to get hurt so I can feel guilty for wishing she’d just be quiet, already. Thanks, Amazing Producer.

So, if your teammate becomes unable to work through no fault of your own, can you get another one? Grandma gets stitched up and heads back down. “You’re a real trooper, hon,” says Grandpa as poignant music plays. Can I at least make fun of the tribal headband she’s wearing? What? It’s a bandage? Oh. At least it matches her shirt…which is the only upside since they’re solidly in last place.

This week’s Amazing Quote Of The Week goes to Grandma Girlname, who apparently thinks the same as I do about her tribal headband:

“I can’t go to Soweto Market looking like this!”

Easy, Grandma. It’s not Williams-Sonoma.

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina reach the Soweto Children’s Home first and the children yell and screem and cheer until they realize that PODubya isn’t Survivor Bahston Rahb. Oh well, at least they get free stuff, right? Clue rip. Drive yourself to the next pit stop. The Dullermint Twins arrive to the same cheers and excitement as they say, “Stay out of trouble. Don’t do drugs.” Wait…you’re not the guy from Survivor, either!

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina are team #2. Hugs. Dull and Duller…team #3!

The Fabulous Butch Boys arrive at the orphanage and the children, knowing damn well neither of them is Survivor Bahston Rahb, yell, “Guys from Will & Grace!!!!!” And…they are team #4. I’m not sure why they were having problems finding the pit stop…seems to me the three cars that look just like theirs would have been a giveaway.

Rahb & Ambuh’s mahrket gahrdian angel appears out of nowhere and helps Ambuh find all of her items and negotiate prices, then shows them where the orphanage is. YAAAAAAAAAAAY! Finally! It’s the guy from Survivor! The mahrket gahrdian angel takes them all the way to the pit stop.

Concussion Gretchen wanders around the market, thinking people will be frightened by her tribal headband. I could see the fear in the eyes of the clerk as he was pointing towards the diapers.

Uchenna and Joyce arrive at the orphanage and…cue poignant music…are overwhelmed by the experience…and I smiled when Joyce mentioned adoption.

Rahb & Ambuh are team #5. No hugs, but kudos to to their mahrketplace gahrdian angel.

Uchenna & Joyce are team #6. Hugs. Crying. Special moment.

And Grandma & Grandpa Girlname…are the last team to arrive. Desperate music plays in the background…however! Hopeful music! This is a non-elimination leg! We all know the drill now…hand over the money and…hand over your backpacks? I had the same expression Grandpa did. No money and nothing else except their passports and the clothes on their backs…and, Grandma’s tribal headband…will take them into the next leg of the race.

Never underestimate the power of the tribal headband.

Tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion!