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Part 2 of 2…

Five minutes earlier on The Amazing Race…seven teams got off The Continent, Miss South Kellylina modeled what all the former beauty queens wear when they crawl around underground this season…and Grandpa & Wacky Concussion Grandma Girlname hit the Mat of Judgment last and were stripped of everything except their dignity, their passports and their soulmate status.

Seven teams are still around…who will be eliminated…next?

I still can’t believe Jonathan BakerMay and December won the last leg of the race but now that I’ve had a couple of days to think about it, their “prizes” were very fitting. I imagine the original prize was a romantic trip somewhere but as soon as the Phil saw that JBM and Gal Pal had won the Fast Forward, he put up the Bat Philsignal, indicating a non-romantic prize was needed…pronto…so they went downtown and bought a couple of Toyotas so when they lose, they can drive off their separate directions. It all makes sense now.

And…they depart at 10 p.m. Clue rip. Drive yourselves to the Rhino & Lion (or, as I liked to call it, “Growl & Prowl”) Nature Reserve, sign up for one of two shuttles and feed some lions. Ha. So much for that Fast Forward lead, because I’m guessing South Africans don’t feed their lions at midnight. I am correct…the shuttles are at 8 and 9 a.m. Once the lions have eaten Jonathan BakerMay alive, teams will get their next clue.

Classic JMB pep talk: “Deana needs to step up a little bit more and assert her talents…where I need them.” Sigh.

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina want to kick it up another cliched notch as they depart second. Ray & Deana arrive at the Lion’s Den first and, in true non-Jonathan Baker form, he actually writes his name and Deana’s instead of scrawling RAY “I’M IN FIRST PLACE” BOTTOMFEEDER.

You know, the one thing I really don’t like about PODubya is how he equates everything he does and everything that happens to his time in Baghdad. He sees lightning…it’s “just like bombing Baghdad.” Life isn’t one great, big metaphor for what happened over in the sandbox…but more on that later.

Hey! The Dullermint Twins stole my clue text! “Make your way home and give Mom a great, big hug, then eat all of her chicken enchiladas.” Okay…that was cute. Maybe they’re not so dull.

Lynn and Alex are people first, racers second. Wait, that’s not true…they’re Rahb & Ambuh Bashers first, then people, then racers. Don’t try to get all cutesy.

Rahb & Ambuh depart fifth and head off to the Rahino and Liahn Nahture Resehrve, not fully understanding that Meredith is Grandpa, not Grandma…unless he meant to call Concussion Gretchen “what’s-his-name.” Uchenna and Joyce, whom I am liking more and more each week, depart sixth and Joyce is pleased that their relationship, which I gather was full of turmoil before, is starting to smooth out.

Grandpa and Grandma Girlname depart last, sadly, without Grandma’s tribal headband. The upside to having all your possessions swiped by the Philiminator is that you don’t have to drag anything around. The downside is that you’re carrying your passports in a little gift bag that says, “Grandma & Grandpa went on The Amazing Race and all I got was this stupid gift bag.” The even bigger downside is you have to hear Grandma Girlname say things like, “When you take the weapons from your warriors, it’s hard for you to fight but we’re gonna try to do it anyway.”

The one thing I learned while reading a trillion travel books before my college boyfriend took off with his friends for a summer-long trek through Europe, was you never put your passports in your backpacks. You get one of those cool things you hang around your neck so, in case someone does snatch your bag, you can still get out of whatever respective country you’re in. That just seems like kind of a no-brainer for anyone on The Amazing Race but, Grandma Concussion Fussin’ did take quite a whack to the head so maybe she forgot.

Everyone congregates at the Growl & Prowl Nature Reserve, and we find out that Uchenna & Joyce gave Grandma & Grandpa a bag of clothes so they wouldn’t be completely without alternate attire. And, this is funny. Why, you ask? Because the clothes don’t fit. To distract folks from staring at their ill-fitting Houston/Enron attire, Grandma & Grandpa wander around to the other teams and ask for money. Some teams are nice and give money, others don’t. If this were me, and Grandma & Grandpa were looking for cash from me, I’d contribute on a “need to pay” basis. My reasoning behind this is that most of the time, the teams with no money wind up with more money than everyone else combined. I’m just sayin’.

So, the lucky 8 o’clock shuttlers hop into the Growl & Prowl Express and are instructed, “Please stay seated at all times. Even if a lion were to jump into the vehicle, freeze and do absolutely nothing.” Errr…okay. PODubya thinks he’s a funny guy with, “If he jumps on me, Kelly, I’m throwing him you!” HAHA! Chuckle! Giggle! Snort! That’s all he could come up with? What? No analogy about how being in Iraq was like literally being thrown to the lions?

Heeeeeeeeere kitty kitty kitty…I’ve got breakfast for you…you may find it a bit gamey and bitter, but once you get over that, you’ll probably find some redeeming nutritional value. Personally, I would have thrown the meat further out instead of down just to ensure said lions do not get confused and jump into the shuttle.

Clue rip. Teams must now fly to Gaborone in Botswana…when they land, they’ll have to travel 400 miles via train and bus to…I kid you not…a “giant aardvark” or, as Bahston Rahb called it, “a giant ardvavark.” Close enough. Sounds easy, right? Nah…you know it’s not and four teams make it to the airport without incident while the other three drive around the South African countryside and cityside and The Fabulous Butch Boys even travel through some of Johannesburg’s more scenic neighborhoods before snagging the next flight out of Dodge.

You always know a train trip through Botswana is going to be fun, especially considering the train doesn’t leave until 9 p.m., meaning every team will catch back up. Of course, this bites The Fabulous Butch Boys in the ass, because they thought that denying Bahston Rahb & Ambuh a shared ride in their cab would give them some sort of competitive advantage. Plus, they’re just pissy like that, which is grating on me…like nails across concrete.

And…Grandpa Girlname has done it…he’s said the magic words that delight me so, “Choo choooooooooo.” I’ve mentioned it many, many times before, but that is the universal word for “crowded train.”

This episode’s Amazing Quote Of The Week goes to Bahston Rahb with:

“Everybody’s being nice, giving Gretchen and Meredith money this morning, playing the good samaritan. I’m not even sure she fell down. He may have pushed her…for effect, so people would feel bad for them.” {wicked smile}

Giant aardvark. Clue rip. Roadblock. Teams must throw a traditional spear approximately twenty feet at a moving target…when they hit the target, they’ll get their next clue. Is it just me, or does this sound like a Survivor reward challenge? The teams have to pick a bushman from a group, which turns into that fiasco we used to have in grade school, picking people for teams. You! You! You look like you’re strong…come with us! Now, if only the bushman would have been the moving target…that would have been entertaining.

PODubya is having problems with the challenge, probably because there are no bushmen in Iraq, therefore they couldn’t have engaged him in this traditional training exercise. This explains him actually saying, “It’s tougher than it looks.” We also had to endure far too many “bush man” jokes in this task. It was almost as if an Amazing Cameraman was behind Jonathan BakerMay whispering, “Dude…say it…say you voted for Bush!”

The Dullermint Twins complete their task first and Yoda the Wiley Bushman (”Hey pal, can you say ‘The Gods Must Be Crazy’? Just once?”) hands them their next clue. Clue rip. Teams must now drive themselves to the Xau Xarra Cattle Post, where they’ll find their next clue. Don’t you worry though, we’re not letting these teams loose unsupervised in the middle of the bush…they’re taking a “safety guide” with them. PODubya finishes as do the Fabulous Butch Boys.

You know, I love it when this show goes to Africa. Everyone is so friendly and so nice and so happy…and it makes me feel bad for being so cranky. Maybe it’s because the hunting training exercise I encountered growing up included clipping coupons on Sunday and grocery store circulars on Thursdays.

The UberHusband’s head about popped off his neck when PODubya said, “Bein’ in the military, I’ve driven through the desert in a Humvee; whereas I’m sure there’s no one here who has ever done that.” If PODubya was an officer, his time in a Humvee was spent in the right seat, while some poor enlisted schmo drove him around. I’ve been on a plane before…doesn’t mean I know how to fly one.

There’s lots of vibraty as Bahston Rahb & Ambuh drive by, well, pretty much everyone and pull themselves out of last place. Grandma Girlname is afraid the bush police might give her husband a ticket. You know, I hate pointing out everything she says that can be taken as a double entendre but come on, she started it.

And…Uchenna & Joyce have figured out why I call Gretchedeth “Grandma & Grandpa Girlname.” No one can figure out which is which and they all think Meredith is Grandma.

Last week’s preview promised us that the Dullermint Twins would flip their Humvee, and I was not disappointed. What I found interesting though was, if the cameraman was the one who was injured…who was, um, doing the cameramanning? I seriously think Lynn and Alex stopped, not because they’re nice guys, but because they knew Bahston Rahb & Ambuh wouldn’t stop, therefore providing them with more ammo and more fuel for their raging anger fire. I know this was controversial but, had I seen that there were other teams there helping out the Dullermint Twins and people weren’t running around with limbs torn off or something (admit it, everyone looked pretty calm), then I would continue on my way as well.

Plus…even if Rahb & Ambuh had stopped, The Fabulous Butch Boys would have perceived it as an insincere move or told them to go to Hell or whatever. So, I don’t think Team Survivor committed the most mortal of all sins by doing what they did.

Yes. I’m done.

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina make it to the cattle post with their Humvee and cameraman intact. Clue rip. Detour. Food…or Water? Teams need to grind corn or suck water out of the ground with reed straws and put it into delicate ostrich eggs. Good Choice this time is most definitely Water for this precise reason: anytime you have to do something to someone else’s satisfaction (in this case, in Food, bushwomen will judge if your corn is ground enough), skip it. You’ll get frustrated and the judges will just laugh at you.

PODubya, having ground a lot of corn between Humvee driving trips in Iraq, picks Food. They finish quickly. Clue rip. Teams must now drive themselves to the Matahari Pants…or something to that effect…the largest salt pan in the world and the pit stop for this leg of the race. The last team to check in will so totally be eliminated and will get to spend the night in a hotel in Johannesburg, instead of in cots under the African sky.

I just have to ask…when did Lynn start wearing the pants in the Fabulous Butch Boy family? Alex was the mouthy one up until this point but now I have to hear Lynn yip and whine about how he needs 20,000 years of experience to grind corn to the satisfaction of bushwomen.

Phil. Botswanian military man. Groups of two cots, strategically placed far away from each other so no one has to listen to PODubya talk about all of the nights he’s spent sleeping on a cot in a salt pan when he was in the Army. In case you’d forgotten, his shirt says “Army” as well.

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina…you’re team #1. High five and some sort of half hug/half kiss. No prize.

Rahb & Ambuh…you’re team #2. Then, Phil has to get all Jeff Probsty and try to stir some sort of pot by saying, “Now did you guys see a wreck at all today?” knowing fully damn well that they did. “So, you just left them on the side of the road?” Yep, pretty much, Phil. Now…which cots are ours?

Uchenna & Joyce…you’re team #3! Hugs.

The Fabulous Butch Boys…you’re team #4. Cordial handshake and half-hug. Evil glares at Rahb & Ambuh.

Gretchedith…you’re team #5! Exhausted sighs of relief.

In an absolutely Amazing Footrace to the finish, the Dullermint Twins and Jonathan BakerMay and December literally are neck-in-neck but Deana just can’t keep up.

Hugs. Thanks to God. Dull and Duller…you’re team #6. Cries. Labored breathing. And oh by the way, your cameraman is going to be okay but as previously planned, he will not be assigned to Rahb & Ambuh for the next leg of the race for, well, obvious reasons.

Meanwhile, while all of this is going on, Jonathan BakerMay and December are just sort of pacing in the background. Phil, ever the gentleman, says, “Maybe we should do the right thing and pull Ray and Deaner over here. Why don’t you guys call them over.”

Ray & Deana…you’re the last team to arrive. I’m sorry to say you’ve been eliminated from the race. No hugs. JBM says they deserved to lose and they’re awful. Phil then twists the knife by asking them if the Race has brought them closer together. The ultimate answer? No, not really. At least they got a couple of cars out of the deal.

Next week on The Amazing Race…PODubya & Miss South Kellylina compete for the white trash redneck crown and the Fabulous Butch Boys get a flat tire. I can’t wait for Rahb & Ambuh to honk as they drive right by them.