Ty tagged me…so here I go…

Who would be your top 5 people, living or dead, that you’d want to see blog? List them in the comments or on your own blog and trackback, then pass it on!

Here are mine:

1. The UberHusband. I think it would be great if he had the time and/or wherewithall to blog during his mobilization and deployment…and if he were overseas, he could comment on Survivor and The Amazing Race a year after they air here…LOL.

2. Cookie. Okay, so she’s not a person but I’d love to know what really goes through her little poodle head on any given day.

3. Lisa Simpson. I’d love to hear all about her life, and it would be great if she’d do the Friday’s Feasts.

4. Judge Judy. She gets some humdinger folk who parade through her courtroom…I’d like to hear about all the stuff we don’t see televised.

5. Suze Orman. She talks to so many people and hears so many stories about financial problems, challenges and woes…how great would it be see her address more of these folks and financial issues in print?

I’m not going to tag anyone specific…but I’d love to see what you all come up with!

I can’t believe they voted out Stephenie last night on Survivor. The remaining women are so stupid…the only reason those men would take Katie, Karen or…The Blonde Whose Name I Can Never Remember with them to the Final Four is because they know she won’t beat any of them.

Wise up. Where Snarky comes from, that’s not called “having your back,” that’s called “screwing you over when it’s most advantageous.” Not the same thing.

Then again…stranger things have happened. Look at Jenna Morasca and Amber Brkich.

And boo…no The O.C. last night! Damn you, President Bush!

I’m getting…sob…verklempt. Please…talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic…social security…should it be privatized or remain under government control? Discuss.

And…I meant to post this today before we left…

Now See, Yardwork Can Be Fun! Two friends find over $100,000 in buried treasure while digging up a tree in the backyard. One of the men allegedly started “ranting like a rabid monkey,” which now makes him eligible for a cush government job at the Delhi airport.

Do Models Really Just Eat Quackers And Ketchup? Melania Trump, AKA Mrs. Donald Trump, makes her acting debut in an upcoming AFLAC commercial. Oh my, any serious actress would have to be on quack to take a job like this, because I’m sure working on the AFLAC campaign isn’t all it’s quacked up to be. Oh wait…I have one more…I’m quacking up over this!

Snarky’s Eleven: Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie “were spotted” frolicking together in Ethiopia. Whew. I’m so glad I brought her along to distract the paparazzi…

I’d Like The Original Recipe, All White Meat: Pamela Anderson wants you to boycott KFC. Why? She’s tired of competing with their tender, juicy breasts.

Feral Hogs Running Wild In Texas: I know! And, they all shop at my neighborhood Tom Thumb grocery store!

I know…it’s strange to have an entire weekday go by without a post from me.

Well, the UberHusband and I drove up to Fort Sill, OK today (left at 7:15 a.m. and got back…about five minutes ago) to take care of a bunch of administrative crap and show me around in case I ever need to be someplace Army-y.

Did you know that their PX sells Clinique? Had I know, I would have made a list…

All is well, though. I thought about blogging from the road with my slick new camera phone but couldn’t figure out how. Oh well.

See you all tomorrow!

Previously on The Amazing Race, Joyce made me cry when shaved her head, Grandma & Grandpa Girlname “partied with the locals” (but didn’t pull up her shirt) and mercifully, The Fabulous Butch Boys hit the Mat of Judgment last and were sent home to be reunited with their skin care products.

Four teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

I’m so glad this season is almost over…I’m tired. And, I think I say this every season but the downside of these later episodes is that it takes quite a bit to stretch the activities of four teams into sixty minutes. There are less teams to keep track of, but more idle time…eh, six to one, half dozen to the other.

Uchenna & Bald ‘n Stylin’ Joyce depart first at 11:24 p.m. Clue rip…fly 4,000 miles to Istanbul (not Constantinople), Turkey and make their way to the island of Kiz Kulesi. At the top of the island’s tower, they’ll find their next clue.

So, here’s the thing. After everything Joyce went through with the Fast Forward and shaving her head and me calling her E.T., after all was said and done, she and Uchenna were only two minutes ahead of Rahb & Ambuh and PODubya & Miss South Kellylina, teams 2 and 3…who departed at 11:26 p.m.

I’m really hoping Sanju the Guide didn’t stick around the entire 12 hours waiting but, there he is, ready to take care of Rahb & Ambuh while PODubya & Miss South Kellylina tag along. I’m trying to figure out why Rahb, since he’s so good at antagonizing people, didn’t just tell Ron & Kelly to get their own taxi, their own guide and quit following them around…especially after Miss South Kellylina starts doing that put-out deep sigh thing and telling PODubya to chill out. Those two just tense me up…there’s nothing more uncomfortable than hanging around a dysfunctional couple. Really.

Despite the discomfort, Rahb & PODubya high-five and continue on to “the travel agency” because, as we all know from Amazing Races past…aw come on kids, you should know the rules by now…say it along with me…you can’t get international tickets at the airport, you have to go to a travel agent!

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname depart a mere seven minutes after the Flintstones and Rubbles. Didn’t realize they were that bunched up.

Travel agent + hotel + airport = first 25 minutes of this episode.

The fun really begins at the airport. Bahston Rahb decides that he wants to screw with Grandma & Grandpa by asking them if they were able to get on the earlier flight to Turkey, I guess never thinking they had the brain capacity to at least check to see if there was, in fact, an earlier flight. So, Grandma & Grandpa get together with Joyce and Uchenna and badda boom, badda bing…the four of them are on an earlier flight to Turkey. HA!

How much earlier, you might ask? Two hours! Hee! The mastermind has been out-masterminded by the old and bald! HA!

I must say…I have never seen a monkey crawling around an airport here in the United States.

This week’s Taxicab Confession involves PODubya and Miss South Kellylina. He’s amazed by all the places he’s seen and basically said that there are other things he wants to do before settling down, having kids and getting married. Fair enough. I say, do all those things if that’s what you feel you need to do…go Ron! Miss South Kellylina however, has I guess seen all she wants to see because she’s not going to wait around for Ron to sow his proverbial wild oats. “I’m worth more than that,” she says. Ah…nothing says love like bullying your boyfriend into hopping on the same relationship timeline you’re on.

Aww.

Anyhoo…Miss South Kellylina’s then spews the now-famous verbal diarrhea about PODubya’s “commitment” issues; specifically, that he “got out” of his military commitment by being a PODubya. That is, by far, the most ignorant thing I have heard this season. Now, the UberHusband told me that PODubya was probably given the option of staying in or getting out but honestly…what would you have done? I would have left, too. There’s a difference between being given a valid option to leave after oh, I don’t know, a life-altering experience and quitting.

Ooh…Miss South Kellylina made me mad. My little Snarkzilla claws came out and everything. She’s damn lucky her man isn’t dead.

Meanwhile, Old and Bald pick up their plane tickets and…hee hee…they’re getting in before Rahb! Allow me to cackle a little more! HA!

Unfortunately for Rahb, this is about the point when he just starts looking like an ass. Clever editing allows us to hear every single comment he makes about how they’re all WAY ahead of Old and Bald and how cahnfident dey are. Blind leading the blind…haven’t got a clue…oh Rahb…shut up now…don’t make this worse than it already is…

Old and Bald arrive in Istanbul (not Constantinople) and promptly head off to the island. Joyce and Uchenna get to the clue box first. Clue rip. Find the gnome. What teams don’t know (unless they, uh, turn the thing over) is that these are Travelocity Roaming Gnomes! Yay! Product placement! The team that gets to the pit stop with the gnome that has a picture of an airplane on it will win a “special prize” from Travelocity. Yay! Product placement!

Once they have their gnome, teams must go to another tower at Galata Kulesi for their next clue.

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname arrive second, but because Grandma is Grandma, doesn’t understand that 4 clues - 1 clue = 3 clues = YOU’RE SECOND, NOT FIRST unless she’s referring to the more general “we’re here first” as opposed to “we’re last, so sew our backpacks to our bodies.”

Old and Bald get their gnomes and head to tower #2. Clue rip. Detour. Columns or Kilos? In this Detour, teams have to choose between Stupid Task and Easy Task. In Stupid Task, teams have to go decipher some sort of code in a well held up by 224 colums, then pull a box from the well and unlock the box or something to that effect.

In Easy Task, teams must travel to a town square and weigh people. Phil calls this, “A common practice on the streets of Istanbul (not Constantinople).” Huh? You mean, for giggles, people just…weigh other people? Do the fat people get offended, or is that something my Americanized socialization has taught me would be the appropriate knee-jerk reaction? But…I digress. They have to weigh 2,500 kilograms (or 5,500 lbs.) to get their next clue. Yeah! Bring on the fatties!

Grandma Girlname needs to get a sense of humor. When Grandpa asks her what they should name their gnome, she looks all pissy and says, “I don’t know…Gnome.” Goodness. Name him Phil…or Lawrence Welk…just name him something. Grandpa comes up with the moniker, “Jerome. Jerome the Gnome.” Hee.

You know, I start getting a gagging feeling when I watch Rahb shove his foot into his mouth and three inches down his throat. Heh heh…”I think we got a big enough lead right now. We don’t wanna overdo it.” Even Ambuh looks like she wants to slug Rahb.

Meanwhile, at the town square, Uchenna starts speaking to Turkish people and sounding like Apu from The Simpsons. Those countries on the other side of the world…they’re all the same basically, right? I thought that they were probably at a disadvantage because it was so early in the morning but eventually people start showing up. 2,500 kilograms. Clue rip. Maneuver yourself to Rumeli Hisari, where you will find your next clue.

And…Grandpa, Grandma and Jerome the Gnome are wandering around tower #2. She doesn’t know what the “Z” floor is and lets out a few more “OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDs” before asking, “Why do we have so much trouble with things like this?” Things like what? Finding clue boxes? Yeah, you guys suck at that…that’s why you’re in the final four. They do one more loop (and Grandma does one more “OH MY GODDDDDD”) before finding the clue box and opting to weigh people.

Meanwhile, Rahb & Ambuh hop on the little commuter boat and find out…giggle…that Old and Bald were there two hours ago. BAHAHAHA! Fortunately, Ambuh knows what a gnome is, because Rahb doesn’t. They head back in as PODubya & Miss South Kellylina head out and find their gnome. I was sad that PODubya didn’t make a reference to all the gnomes he saw in Baghdad but…maybe it was irrelevant or edited out. By this point, the two of them know they are solidly in last place.

Uchenna & Joyce head to tower #3. Roadblock. Is climbing your forte? No…and not just no, but hell no. The poor soul stuck with this task has to climb a 25-ft. rope ladder, find a key at the top of the tower, repel back down the tower and then unlock a book that holds their next clue. I am just loving Uchenna…”Be right back, baby!” and then he just heads over and shows that tower who’s boss…but then he can’t find the key. Then, he finds the key and repels back down the tower. Clue rip unlock. Teams must search the interior of the fortress and find the scenic overlook…the last team to arrive may be eliminated.

Here’s how not to find the Man With Scales…walk around the town square yelling, “Scales! Scales? Scales!”

Scenic overlook. Phil. Black gloves. Joyce & Uchenna…you are team #1! Kisses & hugs. Unfortunately, their gnome does not have a plane but…they are team #1.

Grandma & Grandpa finally find the guy with the scales (”Oh, for GOD’S SAKE!”) and Grandma starts asking for grande people. Everyone speaks Spanish! Yay! Clue rip…go to repel.

Rahb & Ambuh also weigh people. Rahb gets everyone in a line but apparently isn’t in the mood to be friendly since he’s literally shoving people out of the way once he’s gotten his kilos. PODubya & Kelly choose the columns task but it’s totally irrelevant because they’re still in last place.

Smooches and prayers as Grandma heads up the rope ladder. Now, she drives me nuts but I was very happy they had such a large lead over The Other Two Teams because it gave her enough time to do her thing. And…to her credit…she did it! She made it to the top of the wall and had enough adrenaline going to get her through the rest of the task. I’m so proud of her, even though she talks to herself 96% of the time.

Jerome the Gnome, Grandma & Grandpa…you are team #2 but sadly, not the winners of the Travelocity Roaming Gnome super-prize.

Rahb does the Roadblock, blows up the wall, finds the key and is back downstairs.

This week’s Amazing Quote goes to both Miss South Kellylina and Ambuh, as they meet up and wait downstairs for their men to complete the Roadblock.

Miss South Kellylina: “Hey.”
Ambuh: “Hey.”

What’s so funny is the best scene in this week’s episode came at the end of the show. As Rahb & Ambuh are running up to the pit stop, Ron just stands at the top of the tower and watches them off in the distance.

Rahb & Ambuh… you are team #3 but you do not have the winning Travelocity Roaming Gnome which means…

Ron & Kelly…you’re the last team to arrive. Sonofagun though, it’s not an elimination leg…bet you’re wishing you’d taken my advice to sew your backpacks to your skin, eh? It’s kind of like when we bought our house…anything that was bolted to the walls (unless expressly excluded) was included in the house. Phil takes everything except the clothes they’re wearing and their passports. No cash for the next leg of the race but theoretically Miss South Kellylina should have some sort of talent so I think they’ll probably be able to make it out of Turkey, at the very least.

However…they did get the Travelocity Roaming Gnome prize which was twenty thousand dollars to be used on Travelocity and…and…they get to spend their Turkish pit stop at the Four Seasons Istanbul (not Constantinople), where they’ll “have a chance to browse online for their trip.” Yeah. That’s gonna happen.

Next week on The Amazing Race…Joyce yells and PODubya makes a disparaging remark about teaching women to drive. After all the support I gave you this week, you’re gonna dis me like that next week? For shame.

Let’s just get the American Idol commentary out of the way right now…you know it’s a bad night if I think the best performance was Anthony Federov’s.

And Scott Savol…way to phone it in by singing Luther Vandross’s “Dance With My Father.” While a lovely song, it really doesn’t even begin to punctuate your “baby’s daddy” persona and pathological need to be Eminem.

Please…for the love of humanity…I hope he goes home tonight.

**The The Amazing Race recap will be up later this morning…please save your comments on the show for that post…thanks!**

I started working from home one year ago today. Yay me.

Haven’t gone berzerk. Yay me.

Can’t wait to see how I’m doing this time next year.

In honor of my 1-year Work From Homeiversary, I bring you a few blasts from my work past:

It Ain’t All Puppies And Rainbows, Kids (Posted: August 6, 2004)
Tales From The Work Side (Posted: September 21, 2004)

My Girl Dog Friday (Posted: September 27, 2004)
Please Continue To Hold For The Next Available Snark (Posted: November 11, 2004)
There’s A FlyLady In My Soup (Posted: December 1, 2004)
Must Be Wednesday (Posted: March 23, 2005)

Must…resist…urge…to…get…another…dog…when…UberHusband…leaves.

Must. Resist.

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When I was in college, my boyfriend went to Europe with two of his friends for three months over the summer. This was back before email and instant messaging, and also when international long distance rates were something insane like $3.00 a minute. So, it was a really long three months.

To pass the time, I read…a lot. Unfortunately, what I read were Danielle Steel novels where the protagonist’s man always seemed to go overseas for one reason or another…and never came back, for one reason or another. In one of the books, the woman’s fiance died on the Titanic.

Three months of that will turn any rational young woman into a paranoid freak. It’s kind of the same thing that happened when we all had a dog die during our childhood…for some insane reason, the only movie on immediately afterward was either Where The Red Fern Grows or Old Yeller.

Understanding that my psyche has a tendency to be swept away, I have composed a Watchable Military Media Guide For The Next Eighteen Months:

Good Watchable Media:
1. Private Benjamin
2. Stripes
3. In The Army Now
4. An Officer and A Gentleman

5. North and South (Books 1 and 2)
6. Three Kings (don’t make me give up George)
7. Top Gun
8. A Few Good Men
9. Renaissance Man

10. Gomer Pyle reruns

Bad Watchable Media:
1. Pearl Harbor
2. We Were Soldiers
3. Legends Of The Fall
4. The entire third season of American Dreams

5. That episode of ER when Gallant comes back from Iraq and hooks up with Neela
6. Born On The Fourth Of July
7. From Here To Eternity
8. Black Hawk Down
9. The Deer Hunter

10. G.I. Jane (only because it was an awful movie in general…you shouldn’t watch it, either)

Over lunch, I went grocery shopping and heard a mom bellow (I guess she thought she was the only one in the store?) to her toddler, who was running up and down the frozen foods section, “ZACHARY…Mommy needs to know if you have to POOP. DO YOU HAVE TO POOP BECAUSE IF YOU DO, I NEED TO KNOW NOW, BEFORE YOU POOP.”

Personally, I didn’t need to know either way. Ladies, this isn’t appropriate grocery store conversation. Period. I don’t care that you have a toddler, you’re in a place where people buy food.

I so wish the UberHusband had been with me. I would have asked him if he needed to poop because I NEED TO KNOW NOW, before we buy any yogurt or beer.

Uh huh…not so cute when we’re talking about adults, is it?

I love pointing out stupid people and giving them the attention and credit they so desperately crave. I also love it when people think they know me and/or the UberHusband better than we know ourselves.

Take for example, two comments I received last night regarding this controversial post from a million years ago regarding a personal incident (and my associated opinion) from an event that happened over four years ago.

By the way, the individual Googled “my husband went to a strip club” and spent 25 minutes at my site.

This one was from someone named, of all things, “Respect”:

Stacy, First of all want to know what trailer park you were raised in. The last time I checked women were strippers because they had no education and were possibly on drugs and have been physically and mentally abused. This is a very sad existance for a man or a woman and anyone who is a humanist would not condone any such behavior from themself or anyone they love. If you or your husband wouldn’t want your daughter on the pole then you better make sure neither of you are near that pole. I wish you well.

Follow that up with a comment from “Integrity,” who, I swear…is the same person as “Respect” since their comments came about six minutes apart from each other…who knows, maybe they’re a husband/wife team who thinks my husband and I are doomed to eternal damnation. How sad for them that they have to go trolling blogs looking for strip club-themed posts at 2 a.m (and tell me that my marriage is in trouble…and has been apparently, since before we even got married), while we sleep the night away, warm and snuggy in our bed.

Girl, You have nothing to be afraid of. You have a right to tell your husband not to go to one of these disease infested meat markets. They are for alcoholic, pathetic, single sex deprived boys who can’t sustain a productive life with his wife. And trust me when I tell you, he is taking advantage of you…and I don’t mean this in such a way to hurt you but to empower you, girl! You are being cheated on girl! Already this is happening and unless you stop it you will be disrespected as a woman and human being, and if you have children they will see this. Please for all women, stand up for yourself, and human beings to not be degrated! Much Love

You know what…if your husband or boyfriend is cheating on you or “disrespects” you (God, I hate that expression) then boo on you for picking such a louse to spend your time with. If your life sucks, don’t try bringing me down with you. How pathetic.

Regardless of what your opinion is on the subject of strip clubs, what happened, happened. It amuses me when people read one thing and then assume the UberHusband is constantly out carousing and frequenting strip clubs when in reality, his ass is planted on the couch next to me and we do nothing but watch television in the evenings.

As for the fear for our children that we won’t be having…I’d be more afraid of them turning into television-addicted couch potatoes than winding up “on the pole.”

I remember when I lived in apartments, and when the UberHusband and I lived in our apartment before buying the house…we had little kitchens. Little kitchens = bumping into each other & not having nearly enough counterspace to cook like the gourmet chefs we wanted to be.

So, when we went looking for houses, we wanted a big kitchen…big enough to have room to prepare things and not trip over each other while fixing dinner. Well, we still trip over each other and as an added bonus…got to experience sticker shock last year when we started getting estimates on what it would take to replace the 11-year old white laminate counters with something more substantial.

With the whole Seattle thing looming though, we really didn’t want to do the “zero payments, zero interest for twelve months” thing (love that…that’s how we got our big screen TV and my laptop for work and…our living room furniture) and then have to move out with four months of payments left.

Now though…we’ll I’ll be sticking around…so…we headed back to talk to our new friend Diane at Lowe’s.

Turns out, with the backsplash…we have 69 sq. ft. of countertop. Pick your favorite solid surface and do the math…don’t forget to add in $225 for “tear out” and an extra $500 for “reconnecting” our cooktop and plumbing…which is a total scam because the UberHusband will do that for free. I stopped short of asking her for a 90% military discount.

In retrospect, I’m kinda wishing “a bigger kitchen” hadn’t been on our list of “must haves” for our first home.

So now…the deal is whether or not the UberHusband is going to be able to see the season finales for any of these shows before he leaves. Keep your fingers crossed. My man loves his TV.

The O.C.

So…let me get this straight…Marissa & Ryan save Trey from another visit to the clink, then decide to celebrate by having sex for the first time together in the front of Sandy’s Range Rover, right in front of Trey’s apartment? In the words of Summer Roberts…eww. Fortunately, they had the good sense to go to the pool house, but I just have this strange feeling that these two still won’t hook up…too much drama at Casa De Cohen lately. I have visions of Kirsten boozily crashing her car into the pool house. Call me crazy.

Best scene of the show…when the Baywatch cast drove up to bust Harbor High’s resident coke dealer and Trey blocked said coke dealer’s escape with the truck door. BLAM! It was great…rewound it and watched it four times.

Funniest UberHusband moment: When the winery lackey welcomed the members of the press to the wine guzzling tasting, the UberHusband said he’d hoped she’d say that with finger quotes around “the press” because, come on, it’s Newport Living magazine. And it just launched two weeks ago. We hardly think that qualifies yet as “the press.”

In other news, Zach’s turning into an annoying weenie, Carter needs to shave (sounds like another Carter I used to gripe about) and Seth and Summer just need to break up. That’s what Adam Brody and Rachel Bilson wanted all along, right? For their characters not to be together? Mission accomplished. Summer’s getting annoying and it bugs me how she isn’t supporting her man but instead whines incessantly about how victimized she is by all of this. Whatever.

And…Julie crushes Caleb? Say it isn’t so.

Survivor

I think I know the names of everyone left on Koror now: Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, Firemany, Showgirly, Grumpy and Stephenie.

What’s up with The Hand of Probst coming down from above and basically manhandling Janu into leaving? Not that I had a problem with it or anything…it’s just…well…Survivor is starting to be influenced a little too much by The Hand of Probst. I truly thought he was three seconds away from just taking Janu’s torch away and plopping her on Coby’s lap…ending the insanity once and for all.

Can we just fast-forward to the final three of Ian, Tom and Stephenie? Please? ‘Cause really, I could do without listening to the others. And Coby…looks better without a shirt…and I don’t really mean that in a complimentary way.

ER

I had to double-check to see if this really and truly was a new episode but wait…there’s Abby and her new boy toy so yep…guess it’s new. Now, they’re late for rounds. Whoa…sounds like a plotline from Grey’s Anatomy, yuk yuk yuk! These two are cute. Abby needs some good love in her life and a guy who isn’t Luka, Carter or Motorcycle Man.

Speaking of Luka…that thing between him and Sam needs to go the way of the dodo bird and hopefully, Summer and Seth. Zero chemistry. These two went from flirtations to cohabitation to…soccer parenting? I was hoping that Luka would step up and take over Carter’s Reign when he “leaves” at the end of the season but I have an odd feeling that honor is going to go to…

SupaFly SupaPratt. Allow me to go all Randy and say that Pratt is DA BOMB…he’s more than aiiiight, he was ON last night. {{shaking my index fingers in up-and-down motion) If you’ve read my blog for a while you know that most of the time for me, listening to Pratt is like listening to Colin or Jonathan Baker or Jonathan BakerMay from The Amazing Race…I wish he would just shut the eff up because he’s only talking to hear himself speak. I guess he took Carter’s “teach, don’t mock” lecture to heart. He’s a different guy…you can tell because both the UberHusband and I made Unnecessary Breast Exam jokes to each other when Pratt was working with the breast cancer patient…and Pratt had a straight face. Swear to God. No smirk in sight.

And Neela when she’s “in charge” of a trauma…scary. Take her normal voice and make it four times louder. Oy.

I must say, I don’t blame Wendell for unloading Carter because she “couldn’t get into his head.” Want to know what you would have found dear Wendell, had you been able to get into his head? A trillion 3-letter words that start with a K, end with an M and have an E in the middle.

What does that spell? Kem! Kem! KEM!

John…Dr. Carter…please don’t name your $150 million clinic/HIV care center/food court after your dead baby. Please don’t do that. Please. Other than asking you to dump Kem and shave, I don’t ask you for that much. Indulge me…humor me.

Anyone else out there watching Eyes? I’m loving this show…a lot. Almost enough to start recapping it…or at least commenting about it on Thursday mornings.

And…I retract my earlier declaration that Grey’s Anatomy was close to the worst show ever. After taping and watching episodes 2, 3 and 4…it has grown on me. Episode 3 was a little dull but hey, 3 out of 4 ain’t bad. Plus, Christina’s starting to walk around with cups of Starbucks.

I’m woman enough to admit I jumped the gun a little early…

Here’s the new pope’s email domain: benedettoxvivatican.va

Is it just me, or does “benedettoxvivatican” ironically look like the name of some sort of sexual performance drug we bloggers get spammed about all the time?

I also thought it could possibly be code for “Bennifer Detox Viva Vatican.”

Man…I need to get out of the house.

Previously on The Amazing Race, the teams left Continent #3, The Fabulous Butch Boys (who for some reason, I originally wrote as “Lenny and Squiggy” this week) sucked up to Grandma & Grandpa Girlname and said…swear to God…that they wanted them in the final two and Phil gave the “HAHA! Suffer, you evil Survivors…HAHA!” look to Rahb & Ambuh as they arrived in what I thought Phil called Lockdown. Phil handed them another clue, smacked Ambuh on the ass and told her to go one more lap.

Five teams still remain…who will be eliminated…next?

Now see, the fact that the clue didn’t say “Go to the pit stop…the last team to arrive may be eliminated” but instead said, “Go to the mat and meet Phil” should have been enough for these teams to realize that it was not, in fact, a pit stop. But I suppose after how many days of no food and no rest (despite the 2,343 hour flight to India last episode) your mind is bound to play tricks on you. Like India…it pretty much looks just like Baghdad. If you squint.

PODubya’s reaction to Phil’s non-pit stop announcement? “Whoaaaaaaaaaa.” Clue rip. Make your way to the Lockdown Train Station…platform 2.

Uchenna’s reaction to Phil’s non-pit stop announcement? “Whoaaaaaaaaaa.”

Lynn & Alex’s reaction to Phil’s non-pit stop announcement? “Oh no. Oh God. Oh no.”

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname finally finish up last week’s task and read their clue. I thought Grandma said, “Make your way to Phil and the man” to which I thought, what a clever take on that classic 70s television show of a similar name, until the UberHusband corrected me and clarified they were to go to “the mat” and not “the man.”

Did you hear Bahston Rahb & Ambuh got married last weekend? Even if you don’t like them…even if you think Rahb is an opportunistic slimeball, you can’t deny that he’s a good guy when it comes to his new wife. In a race and on a show where we see some of people’s uglier sides, he treats Ambuh with respect, helps her and calls her “Sweetie.” For those of you who say I pick on everyone, I do…but I love seeing couples who love each other. Things don’t have to be ugly and mean. They really don’t.

/soapbox

Speaking of couples who love each other, Grandma & Grandpa Girlname point out that their “helpers” are actually The Fabulous Indian Butch Boys. Grandma seems embarrassed to have thought one of them was cute and then Grandpa makes a peculiarly edited comment about bringing up the rear.

Grandma Girlname’s reaction to Phil’s non-pit stop announcement? The same as everything else, “OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDD!”

Meanwhile, at the Lockdown Train Station Platform 2, Bahston Rahb & Ambuh discover that the Last Train to Snarkville doesn’t leave for eight hours. Yep…everyone catches up and The Fabulous Butch Boys praise Joyce’s choice of headgear but personally, I thought she looked like E.T.

Eventually, it’s 9 p.m. and the teams all hop on the Mystery Train which hopefully doesn’t turn into Murder on The Indian Express. A rather solemn man carrying the Official Clue walks through the cabins and wakes our teams up to give them the clue. Bahston Rahb looks like he was literally a quarter of a second from punching whatever idiot had the gall to wake him up. Strange reaction but then again, if you’re exhausted and riding a train through India, I hate to say it but you sort of anticipate something “happening” which might cause you to react in a…reactionary way. I’m just sayin’.

And…you can tell PODubya and Miss South Kellylina are the long-distance daters. Folks who are married or have been together a long time just won’t sleep in the same bunk. Period. We need our space. Love you honey, but I need room to stretch. We’ll cuddle and love when we get to the next pit stop.

Slow, sleepy clue rip. Search for your next clue at the Jodhpur train station…and you won’t get there until pretty much this time tomorrow. At least they’re in sleeper cars.

Lynn, The Most Fabulous Butch Boy, delivers this week’s Amazing Quote:

“This race has been extremely difficult for me, not having all of my basic little comforts…eye cream…skin cream. I mean, at this point I would drink my skin care if I had it. I think it’s interesting to see how long I can go without them.”

Heh. Heh. Heh. I thought to myself, what would my “basic little comforts” be if I were on The Amazing Race and honestly…skin care wasn’t at the top of my list. Potable water…yes. L’Oreal Replenishing Cream, now with Botafirm, not so much.

Meanwhile, to kill time Joyce dresses up her husband as I Dream Of Jeannie and…PODubya crushes Ambuh! That’s right…Team Survivor and Team Annoying suck up to each other and “strengthen” their fauxlliance for 24 hours until they all arrive at their final destination and scramble for the clue box.

Clue rip. Teams must now to to the Sardar Market and go up to the balcony to get their next clue. Once again…they arrive at night and you know that no one will be able to get to the next clue box until it’s sunny again. Given this, the teams decide to head over to a hotel where Rahb promptly tells Ambuh that they will not share a room with PODubya and Miss South Kellylina. Hee. Then, Rahb pulls out that Nice Guy Strategy of just being friendly and asking and scores a free guide for the next day. They even shake on it, after Rahb says, “Are you sure?” about fifteen times.

Meanwhile, Grandma & Grandpa Girlname watch the Mardi Gras festivities from their balcony (“Show us your droopy tits!” -UberHusband), which I half a second later find out is actually a wedding parade and wouldn’t you know it, The Fabulous Butch Boys get pulled into the festivities and will probably wind up as Bollywood stars when this show is over.

Daylight. 10 a.m. And they’re off! GrandmaGirlnameinfirstplaceFabulousButchBoyrunningaclosesecondand…it’s Grandma Girlname…by a nose! Clue rip. Fast Forward! You knew the Traditional Hindu Good Fortune Ritual would come back, after Brandon & Nicole wussed out and wouldn’t shave off their luscious locks of employment and sustinence. Phil’s great…”Once both teams are completely bald, they will receive the Fast Forward.” Not 99% bald…100% bald.

If you’re not feeling Fast Forwardy, we have a Detour! This week’s Good Choice involves dragging a 600 lb. teak elephant to a temple. Yeah, it’s heavy but just flash a smile and when people see television cameras they’ll be all over you to help. Bad Choice involves dyeing white sheets…only one of the sheets will reveal the next clue though, but there are a ton of sheets and…aw, screw it. Don’t do that task.

And…they listen! No one’s doing the sheety task and Joyce & Uchenna head off to the Fateful Fast Forward. For some reason, Grandma Girlname hops on top of the teak elephant, effectively turning it into a 710 lb. task now, which makes no sense as Rahb & Ambuh try to figure out if they need to toss Ambuh up as well. The answer? No, because the clue doesn’t say you have to ride in it! Grandma then proceeds to just yell “PUSH!” to everyone like an overeager delivery room nurse and declares their elephant “bad.” The elephant’s not bad Grandma, the problem is you have 7-year olds pushing the darn thing.

The Fabulous Butch Boys also initially head for the Fast Forward, which wouldn’t have been all that dramatic since they already have short hair, then decide to skip it and head back to push the elephant.

Joyce thinks she’s going to have to shave her head. Uchenna doesn’t think she’s going to have to shave her head. Hee hee.

It’s just chaos everywhere. Ambuh’s elephant tail falls off, Grandma needs “big people” to push, Rahb starts pulling people out of the crowd to push (”It’s tough organizing Indian labor!”) and while all this is going on, PODubya and Miss South Kellylina get to the temple first. Clue rip. Teams must now go to the Deora Krishi Farm, which is a location for festivals. Hmm…ferris wheels…petting zoo…funnel cakes? Eh…we’ll see.

Bahston Rahb & Ambuh arrive at IndiaDisney first. Clue rip. Roadblock. In this Roadblock, teams have to race a camel cart twice around a marked track. This’ll be easy…camels are such friendly, easy-going animals. Ambuh and Miss South Kellylina do the racing, which is funny and look…more vibraty! More chaos as Grandma & Grandpa and The Fabulous Butch Boys arrive and can I just say…I can not stand listening to Grandma’s voice anymore. The pitch…the screeching…it gives me a really, really, really big headache.

I now want Joyce & Uchenna to win, because she had the girlballs to just pull that bandanna off her head and give in to the head-shaving. Uchenna…Hell, his head’s already bald so that’s no biggie but Joyce has all that long hair…I get antsy when I cut an inch off, I can’t imagine…but then again, I don’t have the skull structure to carry off a shaved head. Joyce does.

The scene that followed seriously made me cry…not because she was shaving her head but because Uchenna sat there with her and told her how beautiful she was and how beautiful she would be and how sorry he was. I mean, you could see his heart breaking. That, my friends…is love. Watch. Learn from this couple. But…look at her though, she’s stunning with a bald head! I think she looks better now…and it sort of fuels my E.T. analogy a little bit more.

Clue rip. Congrats…head to the next pit stop, Jaswant Thada…where they’ll meet up with Philo and The Man. Joyce gazes at her locks one final time before she spots a glimpse of herself in their taxi. She puts the bandanna back on around her head. Hee.

Meanwhile, Grandpa’s camel basically tells everyone to screw off and lies down. I would too if I had to listen to Grandma yelling at that high of a frequency. And again, Miss South Kellylina’s pageant training pays off as she is able to smile and sway the camel to do whatever she wants to put her and PODubya in second place.

For the love of God, Grandma…please…shut…up.

Race! Drive fast! Push! Hurry! Then, Grandma Girlname actually tells Grandpa to quit shouting. At her. The hell? They’re currently in last place but the Amazing Gods have finally seen fit to send The Fabulous Butch Boys to the wrong place, which isn’t the pit stop. Ha ha.

Uchenna continues to tell his wife she’s beautiful and wisely refrains from cue ball and Sinead O’Connor jokes. Rahb & Ambuh catch up with PODubya and Miss South Kellylina during an untimely gas station stop, which with the right music, would have been a great Benny Hill segment.

But…Uchenna and Joyce…you are team number one! Hugs! Congratulations! The ultimate sacrifice! Uchenna tries to get his wife to show Phil her newly shaved head, but she’s shy…or embarrassed…and declines. But…what the…no trip? Are you kidding me? I figured it was because they took the Fast Forward which in and of itself is a pretty sweet prize but come on…the woman shaved her head and didn’t complain. That’s at least worth a vintage Amazing Race Kodak EasyShare camera or something.

Team Survivor and Team Annoying are literally neck-in-neck as they race to the mat and although, from my camera angle Rahb was there first, Ambuh didn’t get there before PODubya and Miss South Kellylina so they wound up third. Hugs and high-fives.

Ron & Kelly…Rahb & Ambuh…you’re teams #2 and 3. And, PODubya uttered the Wisest Words Yet this season with, “It’s just the competitive nature of all of us. We’re willing to put our hands out and shake hands when we’re not racing, but when we’re racing, whoever’s on top is competition and we’re very, very, very competitive.” You’ve got two Survivor castaways, a beauty queen and an Army guy…yeah, that’s a pretty competitive group and I mean that in the least snarky of ways.

Philo and The Man point off toward the horizon for about the tenth time this segment (like you can’t see the teams running up on that barren terrain) and Grandma & Grandpa Girlname…sad music…you are team #4!

Guess what Grandma said? “OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.” And with that, they are officially the oldest team to have ever made it this far on the show. Hugs.

Lenny and Squiggy…you’re the last team to arrive. Lynn says they had a terrific time, then they both wisely abort some sort of strip tease for Philo and The Man as they yap about the places they’ve been and the people they’ve seen. Lynn chokes back tears as he says, “I can’t imagine anything that would compare to the joy we’ve received from the people on this race and the people that we’ve met.”

Except…perhaps…your eye cream and skin cream.

Next week on The Amazing Race, Bahston Rahb picks on the blind and Miss South Kellylina says some really ignorant things about PODubya’s Army days. I can say that, now that I’m officially a Military Wife.

Happy happy, joy joy.

So, I was finally able to watch American Idol last night. Because the UberHusband and I have become social all of a sudden, I’ve missed AI the last two weeks and vowed that I would watch it last night.

Oh boy…70s dance hits! Now, let me get this out of the way…I thought Carrie Underwood was horrible last night. She’s one of my favorites, so it pained me to listen to her struggle through “Macarthur Park” and have to catch her breath and tentatively hit those big notes (which finished big, but still)…plus, she was wearing that 80s Power Ballad Night Hair that worked then but…anyhoo.

Then…then…she started babbling about how she didn’t know what the song was about and that it was an amazing song…except for the lyrics. Yeah. Okay. Even the UberHusband, whom I think has a bigger crush on Miss Underwood than the Simonator, wiggled a little at how young and clueless she sounded.

Everyone thought she was great, though…and I didn’t see it. Oh well, what do I know. I just vote and then people like Fantasia and Ruben win anyway.

The funny thing I’ve noticed about American Idol contestants this season…they’re like math geniuses. Let me explain. They can solve differential equations and launch space shuttles but struggle to balance their checkbook. These contestants (I can’t call them kids since two of them aren’t that much younger than me…well, yeah they are)…these kids hit these amazing notes and hold them and sound great but can’t consistently handle the simple melodies in these songs.

I call it the middle school/high school talent show syndrome…everyone thinks you’re great even if you honk and snort but, if you can squeak out that one big note, then everyone’s up on their feet, giving you the standing O. Of course, this works great when performing in front of your parents but the real world demands a little more…consistency. Or, maybe I’m the only one who demands more consistency, given the fact that Scott Savol is still there.

And, I think Anthony Federov is kind of cute. Is that wrong?

Snarky…out!

Bahston Rahb and Ambuh Of The Smokin’ Ass got married this past weekend, and will have their wedding televised on CBS Tuesday, May 24 with all of the pomp and circumstance generally reserved for cheesy television personalities.

Sigh. The UberHusband will be so crushed he’s going to miss that.

I think I still have those Foods Of The World cookbooks, if I was so motivated as to send a gift.

am gay, says andrew
but i like chocolate, too
just wait, torture bree

lynette has a heart
cranky old neighbor needs help
knock knock, are you there?

want back in this bed?
rip up the postnup, carlos
you know what to do

susan’s train wreck mom
sucks all of the oxygen
bring back morty, please

snarky theory
mike delfino is zach’s dad
it makes perfect sense

Miss Thang will entertain you with the one trick she knows.

“Be cute.”

Good girl.

adopt your own virtual pet!

I have to leave the house tomorrow for work.

Seriously.

A couple of weeks ago, the Queen Of Our Company mentioned that one of our top users wanted a delegation from our company at their quarterly conference as “a presence”…specifically, someone “young, cute and local.” I guess I’m the only one at my tiny company who fits that description. I argued that my boss was cuter and, well, ultimately I sort-of won that battle because…my boss is now going with me.

Go me. Share the pain!

I have to get up, shower, put on “work” clothes (which, funny thing, has been the same outfit for the last year), do my hair and apply a layer of makeup. Actually, the only thing different about tomorrow from any other day is that I’m putting on work clothes instead of shorts and a shirt…I don’t lay around in my pajamas. Not anymore, anyway.

Then, I get to drive 50 minutes in rush-hour traffic to go sit outside a hotel conference room at a table with a big corporate banner (or, “a big corporate target” as my boss likes to say) and get yelled at by our users because we tech weenies don’t understand their business.

Sigh.

At least I won’t be alone. According to my boss, “Two moving targets are harder to hit than one.” And, he yells back. Hee.

Why does my company have such a problem with our users, you might ask? Ineffective communication between “top management” (of which I am not a part) and the user community. Learn from us, oh many friends in the blogosphere. Poor communication is the root of all evil…and not a good root, like potatoes or onions.

Britney Spears is pregnant.

In other Earth-shattering Hollywood news, Tony Dow, known to us as Wally Cleaver of Leave It To Beaver fame, turns 60 today.

Wow. Two weeks in a row without watching The Amazing Race as it unfolds on CBS. We went out to dinner instead with one of the UberHusband’s colleagues who is in town for a few days. Had more fun doing that than watching the telly.

Don’t tell me who went home!!!!!

**7:06 a.m. Update** We turned on the show and fast-forwarded to the end to see who went home and saw that no one went home and Ambuh looked really distressed that she wasn’t at the Pit Stop. Then, Phil made a face that looked like the faces I’ve been seeing on a lot of people lately…befuddled and confused, bordering on constipated.

I then proceeded to inadvertently delete the episode because, well, I am in the habit of deleting shows at the end when I’m “done watching them”. Problem is, I was at the end, but I was not, in fact, done watching the show.

What transpired after that reminded me of the scene in Sex and The City where Miranda accidentally deletes an episode of Jules & Mimi off her TiVo and the world comes crashing down. She was able to get her show back…I was not as lucky.

GRRR. It’s been one of those weeks. I vow to have my ass firmly planted on the couch tonight to watch Lost.

See what happens when I leave the house? I swear, the ghost of PODubya is making me pay.

Thank God I’m Not A Panda: Pandas at the San Diego Zoo have “successfully mated,” according to officials who noted the location and time. It’s that bamboo massage oil…gets the girl pandas every time.

I Coulda Been On The Contender: Mike Tyson, connossieur of fine earlobes, will re-enter the boxing ring this June. This disturbs me, not because he’s disturbing in and of himself and not because he’s practically an old man, but because I can’t help but think of the great things he could have done (a) had he been a hot chick and (b) Clint Eastwood had been at his side.

We Told You Results Weren’t Typical: Apparently, Nautilus hasn’t been all that honest about the hundreds of thousands of injuries on it’s Bowflex machines. I had a feeling things weren’t right when I took mine out of the box and it looked like this.

Merlot? Pinot? Chardonnay? What Goes With Tiger? Check it out…a winery with a bed & breakfast adjacent to a tiger habitat! Past guests have said, “They’re GRRRRRRRRReat!”

It’s not just for plumbers anymore.

I tried to avert my eyes but, ’twas too late. Blech.

I feel so…violated.

Snarky: Hi. I’d like to return this shirt. {hands over shirt} It was a gift.

Saleslady: {Grabs shirt and starts scanning UPC codes} Okay. Should I credit the amount of the shirt back to the gift giver’s credit card?
Snarky: {Blank look on my face. Forehead starts to crinkle}. Um…no? What are my options?
Saleslady: Well, we can put the returned amount on a Macy’s gift card, but some people prefer to return the money to the gift giver.

Snarky: Um…no. No one does that.
Saleslady: Well, if it was your mom…I mean…I don’t know who gave you this gift, but some people do that…credit the person back.
Snarky: Um…no. No one does that. I’ll take the gift card.

And for the record, it wasn’t a gift…just a shirt I bought a couple of months ago that I never got around to returning and couldn’t find the receipt. That’s what made this even funnier…I’m the gift giver so the money would have gone back on my card (didn’t realize it had one of those pesky UPC codes on the tag), but I was so befuddled by the thought of returning a gift and reimbursing the purchaser that…well…I wound up with a Macy’s gift card.

You know, it’s funny…telling people that you (or your husband) has been called to active duty during “war time” elicits some pretty strange responses. They vary from, “I don’t know what to say…good luck? I’m sorry? Kick some Iraqi ass?” to no response at all, just a scrunched up facial expression of shock and surprise. Kind of like how I imagine people would react if Britney Spears won an Academy Award.

My favorite so far though, has been, “Well, you knew what you were getting into when you married him,” from someone who emailed me directly…an obviously casual reader who doesn’t really understand that the UberHusband went off active duty six years ago, before we even met.

It’s not like my head was in the sand, though. I always knew way, way, way, way in the back of my mind that it was a possibility but sheesh…it was (is?) also a possibility that some national syndicate would (will?) pick me up and start paying me to write snark full-time.

Hint, hint.

I did a lot of Googling and web surfing yesterday, looking for resources for wives like me…wives whose husbands aren’t attached to a Reserve or National Guard unit, wives who don’t live near a base with a Family Support Group and other women who have experienced my myriad emotions thus far, wives whose husbands weren’t “really” in the Army when they met and most importantly…wives who had no clue on God’s green Earth that 9/11 would happen eight months after their wedding and turn their lives upside down 3 1/2 years later.

I came up empty. I’m not trying to be dramatic, but I like being in control. I like being able to look for information I need and having it at my fingertips. I’m a project manager for chrissakes, and a natural-born planner. We planned for Plan A - corporate relocation to Seattle. We planned for Plan B, our contingency plan, which was remaining in Dallas in case Seattle didn’t happen.

Plan C - husband is reactivated and deployed to God knows where. That…that we didn’t plan for. Now, I know all that gobbledeegook about making lemonade out of rotten cherries or something like that, and how everything happens for a reason…but still. Wah. Boo.

{deep, cleansing breath}

Time to pick myself up, dust myself off and get on board with Plan C…whatever it winds up being.

Anyhoo…I have got to catch up on my television viewing, lest this blog turn into an 18-month weepy pity fest. LOL. That’s my goal today…watch Desperate Housewives (and write corresponding haikus), watch Arrested Development and scan through a week’s worth of Dr. Phil episodes in between, you know, working and all.

Can’t forget about The Amazing Race tonight…maybe I’ll have a newfound appreciation for PODubya now. Nah. Doubt it.

/wink

So, the UberHusband and I had a superfantabulous weekend in Chicago, courtesy of the UberHusband’s many business travels over the past year. We ate, drank, took in the amazing weather and even bought some expensive footwear. When in Rome, as they say…

It was one of those weekends that you didn’t mind ending because not only were you dog-tired, but it already felt like the two days had lasted a lot longer than just two days.

Then we came home…as I was flipping through the mail I noticed one of those letters that looks like a Western Union mailgram…the letters that companies like to use to alert you to a really low APR on a new credit card or to refinance your mortgage.

Not this time. It was a real Western Union mailgram.

Yep, the United States Army has called the UberHusband…six years out of active duty…back up to active duty.

Son of a bitch.

We’re taking off to Chicago for the weekend this afternoon, but I couldn’t leave without sharing my bulletized list of thoughts on The O.C. and Survivor last night…

The O.C.

Give me a break. Snotty Newport woman is in her late 30s/early 40s and refers to Risky Business as “some Tom Cruise movie?” Are you kidding me?

Sixty minutes and not a single, “Sometimes you gotta say, what the f*%k.”

Summer and Seth have become an old married couple…and I don’t like that. They’re worse than me and the UberHusband.

Sandy crushes Carter!

Since the housekeeper at Casa De Nichol has been deported (ha!) and Trey is in need of a job…why not? We could call him Mr. Featherass (with gracious respect to Tobias Funke as Mrs. Featherbottom)!

I like that they’ve turned Marissa back into a cute teenage girl and steered her away from a boozy, bicurious train wreck. Not that there’s anything wrong with that in the fictional world, but it just doesn’t gel with her Keds campaign, you know?

Zach needs to go away. His services are no longer needed.

When the plotline of Julie and Caleb “being away on vacation” was revealed, I so so so badly wanted them to be discreetly picking up Caitlin from boarding school to bring her home. By this point in the soap opera kid timeline, she should be about fourteen and a serious hellraiser.

Survivor

“The tribe has not spoken tonight.” You got that right, Probsty, but I did like the on-the-spot Immunity Challenge where they had to make fire (yes, the UberHusband did do the “Fire! Fire! Fire!” Beavis & Butthead thing) and Master Firestarter lost.

I want Stephenie to win, Period. I’d like to see Ian in the final two with her. Tom was originally up there but when he started playing Island Dictator and telling his tribemates that all of their potable water had to be saved for drinking purposes…dude…not cool.

All of the rumors about there not being a merge this season must be accurate. If Stephenie loses the Immunity Challenge next week, does she just automatically go home?

I still don’t know who anyone is on The Winningest Tribe Ever other than Ian and Tom and Kobe…who, along with Angie, really should have made a more sensible choice in undergarments.

Please Sir, May I Have Another…Logo Sweatshirt? Always on the cutting edge of entertainment, England is building a theme park based on the life of Charles Dickens. No word yet on whether Oliver Twist’s Grueleteria & Gift Shoppe is part of the plans.

One More Season Of Haikus, Coming Up: ABC has renewed Desperate Housewives and Lost for the upcoming Fall television season. Why do they keep cancelling the jewels and keeping the crap? Sheesh.

Ten To One Their Reality Show Airs Before Britney’s: Prince Charles & Camilla Parker Bowles will have to acknowledge their sins and wickedness when they tie the knot on Saturday. Prince Charles, now that you’ve made an honest woman out of your mistress, what are you going to do? “We’re going to Walt Dickens World!”

It’s The Desperate Housewives Issue…How Ironic: Mrs. Jonathan Baker AKA Victoria Fuller, is featured in the May 2005 issue of Playboy. Yeah, I took a peek at the “free preview.” She’s awfully…glossy. And plastic looking. Oh wait, that was James Spader.

From TVGuide.com…

IT WAS INEVITABLE: Speaking of bad TV-show ideas, The Amazing Race’s most famous whackjobs, Jonathan Baker and Victoria Fuller, are shooting a reality pilot for VH1. The potential series will attempt to answer the age-old question, “What happens when the cameras stop rolling and reality-show contestants go back to living their lives?” In this case, I’m fairly certain the answer is, “More backpack beatings.”

And to think, I thought I was done writing the words “Jonathan Baker” after his evil twin was tossed off the show last week.

Not sure if this person reads my blog or the recap at TVTome but anyhoo…I didn’t even have to rip off Dear Prudence today!

Yay me!

Dear Snarky-

I found your article about this past week’s TAR episode very interesting, and I have a few comments to make:

First of all…do you have a job? Or is this your job- to insult people you don’t know anything about.

I happen to know a team on TAR and you have all of your information wrong.

I wonder if you have a life or even a self esteem, that you have to insult strangers to make you feel better about yourself. Maybe you should consider seeing a psychiatrist- that or become a comedian that stands on the side of the street with a hat asking for donations. Now there’s a job for you and you can get paid for your insults!

You know it must suck to be you…

But maybe I am being too hard on you. Maybe you have no idea what it is like to be on a reality TV show where your day to day actions are in the hands of editors who can manipulate situations.

Maybe you walk down your street and no one knows your name, no one knows your face. No one cares about you.

It MUST really suck for you and it is so evident in your writings.

Especially the parts that scream out you have no life, because you have to watch reality TV and write articles about other’s lives.

Is it a weight problem? Are you trying to save up money for plastic surgery? Are you lonely? Need a date?

Why don’t you try another reality show…I’m sure you’ve heard of it, maybe even applied and weren’t chosen. It’s called Extreme Makeover, because it’s obvious from your writing that you hate yourself along with everyone else.

See…

How does it feel to be judged by someone who has no clue who you are?

Have a great day, Fatty!

Dear Adoring Fan,

Oh God…you’re right. Snarky’s a horrible person…she thinks she’ll take your anonymous comments to heart and go throw herself in front of a car. However, she won’t argue on the fatty thing…her ass could most definitely use some toning. And…she doesn’t have to write these recaps…it’s not like shooting up heroin or smoking crack. Let’s not be dramatic, mkay?

HAHAHAHA!

How does it feel? Snarky doesn’t give a flying fig. She doesn’t know you and having said that, because you’re not in her circle of friends and family (even though you have the same name as a former manager of hers), she doesn’t care what you think about her. Why should she? If she spent her life preoccupied with what total strangers thought of her, she wouldn’t have any time to write about television and piss off friendly folk like yourself.

Nice try, though.

You see…when you put yourself in the spotlight at any level (i.e., go on a reality television show or write a blog), it doesn’t matter how it’s edited, people will judge you. Every day people read this blog and judge Snarky. But the thing with this is…she takes it all with a grain of salt…even your nasty comments.

If your “reality television friends” haven’t caught on that the opinions of strangers don’t matter in the Grand Scheme Of Things, that’s not really Snarky’s problem.

She does however, feel sorry for people who hop on their high horse and ride up the moral high road, writing hate mail criticizing her for doing, ahem, the very same thing they’re doing by writing the letter.

Sincerely,
Snarky

p.s. Your grammar sucks almost as much as you perceive it sucks to be Snarky.

Musings on last night’s Lost…

Carol Vessey? She’s all over ABC lately. First she marries Dr. Jack last night, then I see her in a commercial hooking up with Jake In Progress. The girl gets around. Can anyone name the hotel where they got married last night? I think it was the Four Seasons Hualalai on the Big Island, only because I think I remember seeing Samantha Brown in front of that fountain on an episode of Great Hotels.

All that was missing from the Carol/Jack nuptials was Ed Stevens riding up on a white horse.

“Let it go” - that seems to be the mantra for the show now. Boone…let Shannon go. Jack…let the fifteen thousand “its” in your life go. Locke…let the anger you have towards your parents go. Maybe once everyone releases the angst in their lives, they’re saved? Either that or they have a Nigerian drug plane land on them.

The producers have pissed me off by not showing Locke once last night. Show us the glowing hatch interior and then just leave us hanging? Bastards.

Sawyer calling Claire “Mamacita” last night…that was cute. Maybe he’s not such an ass.

Jack needs to unload Nurse Kate and hook it up with Sun. She’s amazing…and a rock under pressure…and she can actually, you know, do stuff.

Jin’s finally starting to integrate into the community, which is good for everyone…especially Sun. Although, I half-expected him to go all Korean Mafia on Jack when he saw him alone with Sun, despite the fact that they were hovering over a dying Boone.

Is Hurley getting bigger?

Rosemary’s ClaireBaby is now Rosemary’s ClaireNewborn. No horns…no tail…

I’ve figured out it’s the show’s score that gets me. The music that played when Jack was walking up to Shannon to tell her that Boone had died…I was crying…and it got worse when I watched Shannon crying as she sat next to her dead step-brother’s body. What really twisted me all around was how the music could be mournful and uplifting at the same time, as the camera switched between the end of life and new life.

Just for the record…if I’m stuck on an island with bamboo needles and no one knows their blood type and I’m coughing up blood, don’t hack off my leg. The damage is done. Let it go.

So, it looks as though the UberHusband’s project contract negotiations are in the “final stages” and a decision should be made within the next 60-90 days which means, we should know in the next 90-120 days if/when we will be relocating to Seattle.

Sheesh.

You know…waiting around on this is sort of like a prison sentence that keeps getting extended for bad behavior…or talking about a mysterious boyfriend that may/may not really exist…“But wait until he comes out for Prom, you’ll meet him then, promise!” The George Glass Syndrome, we call it.

Last summer we thought this would all be wrapped up in the Fall…then by the first of 2005…then Spring of 2005…now we’re looking at the end of the summer. It is for this precise reason…the whole “up in the air thing”…that, a couple of months ago, the UberHusband and I decided to quit putting our lives on hold for something that may or may not happen.

One of the things we had been putting off was relandscaping parts of our front yard. We didn’t want to put out the expense if we weren’t going to be around to enjoy it. Today, we have folks coming out to clean out our front beds, remulch, put up a stone border and the best part…they’re planting seasonal color! Begonias! Ha! I thought only rich folks did that but it wound up not costing much more than if we were to do it ourselves…and they’ll get it done in an hour versus the UberHusband and me giving up an entire Saturday afternoon to complete half of it, thus leaving our front yard in a continuous state of disarray.

Again, kind of like the Seattle thing.

Now we’ll have more time to tend to our three new rose bushes in the back…our assorted herbs that we planted last weekend…and Audrey. Can’t forget about Audrey or she’ll clog up our gutters or something just in time for Spring storm season.

Previously on The Amazing Race…seven teams finally left South America and wound up in, ironically, South Africa, Bahston Rahb & Ambuh continued to make friends and influence local people on their Survivor “Please Probster, Don’t Hurt ‘Em” 2005 World Tour and we said goodbye to Jonathan BakerMay and December. No tears were shed. I didn’t even dance a jig when they were eliminated, that’s how little I cared about them.

Six teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

So, we’re at the halfway point of this season, which means that watching the opening credits is sort of like that spiritual journey the Final Four take on Survivor as they paddle down a river or run through a jungle, all the while gazing wistfully at the Torches Of Survivors Past. And, on The Amazing Race, much like Survivor, there’s always the first couple to go where you crinkle your nose and forehead and ask, “Who were they again?”

This is Botswana! Botswana is full of wild, exotic animals but sadly, is now one short due to the natural order of things and the planets realigning. The Matahari Pants, a giant salt pan reminiscent of the moon…was the pit stop for the last leg of the race.

You know, I was disappointed that the Amazing Producers and Editors ripped us off by not showing us at least sixty seconds of how this pit stop went. They’re outside…with cots. I don’t see bathrooms or food or anything like that, and I doubt our racers were licking the ground.

Anyhoo…PODubya & Miss South Kellylina depart first at 5:29 a.m., with an absolutely amazing sunrise coming up behind them. Let’s all pause for a moment and take in the majesty that is unpolluted nature.

Ah.

Clue rip. Teams must now drive to a water tower in Sankuyo Village, which is a long ways away. Couple hundred miles. Blech.

There’s a love chapter in the Bible? According to Miss South Kellylina there is, but for us mere mortals, you might know it as 1 Corinthians 13:1-13. She vows to be patient and kind and not rude this leg of the race. To compliment this nice sentiment, PODubya admits he hasn’t thought about their relationship all that much because well, there just isn’t any time. Dude…what do you do during these 12-hour pit stops? So basically, here’s how these two seem to operate: Miss South Kellylina is frustrated, but says nothing. Because she says nothing, PODubya assumes all is OK. She sits there and plots.

Alrighty…Bahston Rahb & Ambuh depart second and head off to the wahtah towah. Again…some folks think they’re annoying and that Rahb’s an arrogant ass but hey…these two are basically working on their own and making do and actually thriving. They’re having a good time and as far as I’m concerned, if they can keep the other teams from poking at their love bubble too much, they’ll be A-OK. Plus, more vibraty en route to the wahtah towah is always a good thing.

Joyce & Uchenna are still plugging along and depart third, with talk of native Nigerian fathers and putting your feet on ancestors or something to that effect. I wouldn’t mind putting my feet on Prince Charles…but I digress…

The Fabulous Butch Boys, whom I now despise, depart fourth. They claim to be good, honest players who are “just sneaky” and don’t bicker. The hell? Yes they do…they bickered that whole challenge last week trying to grind corn. I must say though, that in his hat and plaid shirt, Lynn almost looks…how do I put this…straight? No, that’s not it…normal? No…not PC enough…like a guy I knew in college? Yeah, yeah, that’s it!

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname, along with their gift bag, leave fifth and…I don’t see a scratch on Grandma anywhere, which gives some validity to Rahb’s comment last week that her “accident” was a ruse just for show. Grandma says it’s a beautiful day, and great to be alive…which I have a feeling she says every morning.

Big bucks big bucks no whammies…rip! Dull and Duller depart last. They’d love to take out Grandma & Grandpa Girlname today. Way to aim high, boys. Don’t go for Team Survivor, lower your game and try to eliminate the geriatric demographic. Whatever you do, don’t flip your car. You’re almost out of replacement cameramen.

Now, I’m recapping this show as I watch it this week and I just have to say…Miss South Kellylina, don’t bait PODubya with seemingly inocuous comments like, “Have I gotten on your nerves alot?” Why not just ask him if your ass looks big in those shorts? PODubya does correctly answer both questions with, “Naw…notabit” while Girlyfriend smirks in the backseat.

Meanwhile, Rahb comments on the sweltering 140-degree heat while honking at ostriches who are blocking his driving path. I hate it when that happens. Ostriches…Expeditions…Kias…it’s all the same. Super-sweet Fabulous Butch Boys speed past Uchenna & Joyce with a friendly honk and wave. Damned sneaky varmints. NO NO NO, DON’T HIT THE COW! Whew.

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname pull up to the first water tower they spy, apparently forgetting to read past the first sentence of their clue. What have they been doing the entire drive? Catching Dr. Laura on their AM radio? They have nothing except that clue…and a long stretch of road ahead of them. I would have had that clue memorized and been able to read the whole thing to you backwards. Dull and Duller also pull up to the first water tower they see, so I guess it might have been plausible that people could be confused. Maybe. Nah.

PODubya & Miss South Kellylina arrive at the correct water tower first, with no further discussion thus far if she has been annoying him or not. She’s annoying me. Does that count? Clue rip. Detour. Good Choice this week involves balancing three items on their head and carrying said items to a cooking area 70 yards away. You can’t use your hands and I’m sure the local village women will get a couple of guffaws out of watching you drop a basket of corn on the ground, much the same way the Amazing Production Assistant did when filming the example to Phil’s “The balancing act can be tough” statement.

Bad Choice involves milking a goat to get 10 ounces of goat milk. Forget that. Phil lets us know that milking a goat isn’t as easy as