Previously on The Amazing Race, the teams left Continent #3, The Fabulous Butch Boys (who for some reason, I originally wrote as “Lenny and Squiggy” this week) sucked up to Grandma & Grandpa Girlname and said…swear to God…that they wanted them in the final two and Phil gave the “HAHA! Suffer, you evil Survivors…HAHA!” look to Rahb & Ambuh as they arrived in what I thought Phil called Lockdown. Phil handed them another clue, smacked Ambuh on the ass and told her to go one more lap.

Five teams still remain…who will be eliminated…next?

Now see, the fact that the clue didn’t say “Go to the pit stop…the last team to arrive may be eliminated” but instead said, “Go to the mat and meet Phil” should have been enough for these teams to realize that it was not, in fact, a pit stop. But I suppose after how many days of no food and no rest (despite the 2,343 hour flight to India last episode) your mind is bound to play tricks on you. Like India…it pretty much looks just like Baghdad. If you squint.

PODubya’s reaction to Phil’s non-pit stop announcement? “Whoaaaaaaaaaa.” Clue rip. Make your way to the Lockdown Train Station…platform 2.

Uchenna’s reaction to Phil’s non-pit stop announcement? “Whoaaaaaaaaaa.”

Lynn & Alex’s reaction to Phil’s non-pit stop announcement? “Oh no. Oh God. Oh no.”

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname finally finish up last week’s task and read their clue. I thought Grandma said, “Make your way to Phil and the man” to which I thought, what a clever take on that classic 70s television show of a similar name, until the UberHusband corrected me and clarified they were to go to “the mat” and not “the man.”

Did you hear Bahston Rahb & Ambuh got married last weekend? Even if you don’t like them…even if you think Rahb is an opportunistic slimeball, you can’t deny that he’s a good guy when it comes to his new wife. In a race and on a show where we see some of people’s uglier sides, he treats Ambuh with respect, helps her and calls her “Sweetie.” For those of you who say I pick on everyone, I do…but I love seeing couples who love each other. Things don’t have to be ugly and mean. They really don’t.

/soapbox

Speaking of couples who love each other, Grandma & Grandpa Girlname point out that their “helpers” are actually The Fabulous Indian Butch Boys. Grandma seems embarrassed to have thought one of them was cute and then Grandpa makes a peculiarly edited comment about bringing up the rear.

Grandma Girlname’s reaction to Phil’s non-pit stop announcement? The same as everything else, “OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDD!”

Meanwhile, at the Lockdown Train Station Platform 2, Bahston Rahb & Ambuh discover that the Last Train to Snarkville doesn’t leave for eight hours. Yep…everyone catches up and The Fabulous Butch Boys praise Joyce’s choice of headgear but personally, I thought she looked like E.T.

Eventually, it’s 9 p.m. and the teams all hop on the Mystery Train which hopefully doesn’t turn into Murder on The Indian Express. A rather solemn man carrying the Official Clue walks through the cabins and wakes our teams up to give them the clue. Bahston Rahb looks like he was literally a quarter of a second from punching whatever idiot had the gall to wake him up. Strange reaction but then again, if you’re exhausted and riding a train through India, I hate to say it but you sort of anticipate something “happening” which might cause you to react in a…reactionary way. I’m just sayin’.

And…you can tell PODubya and Miss South Kellylina are the long-distance daters. Folks who are married or have been together a long time just won’t sleep in the same bunk. Period. We need our space. Love you honey, but I need room to stretch. We’ll cuddle and love when we get to the next pit stop.

Slow, sleepy clue rip. Search for your next clue at the Jodhpur train station…and you won’t get there until pretty much this time tomorrow. At least they’re in sleeper cars.

Lynn, The Most Fabulous Butch Boy, delivers this week’s Amazing Quote:

“This race has been extremely difficult for me, not having all of my basic little comforts…eye cream…skin cream. I mean, at this point I would drink my skin care if I had it. I think it’s interesting to see how long I can go without them.”

Heh. Heh. Heh. I thought to myself, what would my “basic little comforts” be if I were on The Amazing Race and honestly…skin care wasn’t at the top of my list. Potable water…yes. L’Oreal Replenishing Cream, now with Botafirm, not so much.

Meanwhile, to kill time Joyce dresses up her husband as I Dream Of Jeannie and…PODubya crushes Ambuh! That’s right…Team Survivor and Team Annoying suck up to each other and “strengthen” their fauxlliance for 24 hours until they all arrive at their final destination and scramble for the clue box.

Clue rip. Teams must now to to the Sardar Market and go up to the balcony to get their next clue. Once again…they arrive at night and you know that no one will be able to get to the next clue box until it’s sunny again. Given this, the teams decide to head over to a hotel where Rahb promptly tells Ambuh that they will not share a room with PODubya and Miss South Kellylina. Hee. Then, Rahb pulls out that Nice Guy Strategy of just being friendly and asking and scores a free guide for the next day. They even shake on it, after Rahb says, “Are you sure?” about fifteen times.

Meanwhile, Grandma & Grandpa Girlname watch the Mardi Gras festivities from their balcony (“Show us your droopy tits!” -UberHusband), which I half a second later find out is actually a wedding parade and wouldn’t you know it, The Fabulous Butch Boys get pulled into the festivities and will probably wind up as Bollywood stars when this show is over.

Daylight. 10 a.m. And they’re off! GrandmaGirlnameinfirstplaceFabulousButchBoyrunningaclosesecondand…it’s Grandma Girlname…by a nose! Clue rip. Fast Forward! You knew the Traditional Hindu Good Fortune Ritual would come back, after Brandon & Nicole wussed out and wouldn’t shave off their luscious locks of employment and sustinence. Phil’s great…”Once both teams are completely bald, they will receive the Fast Forward.” Not 99% bald…100% bald.

If you’re not feeling Fast Forwardy, we have a Detour! This week’s Good Choice involves dragging a 600 lb. teak elephant to a temple. Yeah, it’s heavy but just flash a smile and when people see television cameras they’ll be all over you to help. Bad Choice involves dyeing white sheets…only one of the sheets will reveal the next clue though, but there are a ton of sheets and…aw, screw it. Don’t do that task.

And…they listen! No one’s doing the sheety task and Joyce & Uchenna head off to the Fateful Fast Forward. For some reason, Grandma Girlname hops on top of the teak elephant, effectively turning it into a 710 lb. task now, which makes no sense as Rahb & Ambuh try to figure out if they need to toss Ambuh up as well. The answer? No, because the clue doesn’t say you have to ride in it! Grandma then proceeds to just yell “PUSH!” to everyone like an overeager delivery room nurse and declares their elephant “bad.” The elephant’s not bad Grandma, the problem is you have 7-year olds pushing the darn thing.

The Fabulous Butch Boys also initially head for the Fast Forward, which wouldn’t have been all that dramatic since they already have short hair, then decide to skip it and head back to push the elephant.

Joyce thinks she’s going to have to shave her head. Uchenna doesn’t think she’s going to have to shave her head. Hee hee.

It’s just chaos everywhere. Ambuh’s elephant tail falls off, Grandma needs “big people” to push, Rahb starts pulling people out of the crowd to push (”It’s tough organizing Indian labor!”) and while all this is going on, PODubya and Miss South Kellylina get to the temple first. Clue rip. Teams must now go to the Deora Krishi Farm, which is a location for festivals. Hmm…ferris wheels…petting zoo…funnel cakes? Eh…we’ll see.

Bahston Rahb & Ambuh arrive at IndiaDisney first. Clue rip. Roadblock. In this Roadblock, teams have to race a camel cart twice around a marked track. This’ll be easy…camels are such friendly, easy-going animals. Ambuh and Miss South Kellylina do the racing, which is funny and look…more vibraty! More chaos as Grandma & Grandpa and The Fabulous Butch Boys arrive and can I just say…I can not stand listening to Grandma’s voice anymore. The pitch…the screeching…it gives me a really, really, really big headache.

I now want Joyce & Uchenna to win, because she had the girlballs to just pull that bandanna off her head and give in to the head-shaving. Uchenna…Hell, his head’s already bald so that’s no biggie but Joyce has all that long hair…I get antsy when I cut an inch off, I can’t imagine…but then again, I don’t have the skull structure to carry off a shaved head. Joyce does.

The scene that followed seriously made me cry…not because she was shaving her head but because Uchenna sat there with her and told her how beautiful she was and how beautiful she would be and how sorry he was. I mean, you could see his heart breaking. That, my friends…is love. Watch. Learn from this couple. But…look at her though, she’s stunning with a bald head! I think she looks better now…and it sort of fuels my E.T. analogy a little bit more.

Clue rip. Congrats…head to the next pit stop, Jaswant Thada…where they’ll meet up with Philo and The Man. Joyce gazes at her locks one final time before she spots a glimpse of herself in their taxi. She puts the bandanna back on around her head. Hee.

Meanwhile, Grandpa’s camel basically tells everyone to screw off and lies down. I would too if I had to listen to Grandma yelling at that high of a frequency. And again, Miss South Kellylina’s pageant training pays off as she is able to smile and sway the camel to do whatever she wants to put her and PODubya in second place.

For the love of God, Grandma…please…shut…up.

Race! Drive fast! Push! Hurry! Then, Grandma Girlname actually tells Grandpa to quit shouting. At her. The hell? They’re currently in last place but the Amazing Gods have finally seen fit to send The Fabulous Butch Boys to the wrong place, which isn’t the pit stop. Ha ha.

Uchenna continues to tell his wife she’s beautiful and wisely refrains from cue ball and Sinead O’Connor jokes. Rahb & Ambuh catch up with PODubya and Miss South Kellylina during an untimely gas station stop, which with the right music, would have been a great Benny Hill segment.

But…Uchenna and Joyce…you are team number one! Hugs! Congratulations! The ultimate sacrifice! Uchenna tries to get his wife to show Phil her newly shaved head, but she’s shy…or embarrassed…and declines. But…what the…no trip? Are you kidding me? I figured it was because they took the Fast Forward which in and of itself is a pretty sweet prize but come on…the woman shaved her head and didn’t complain. That’s at least worth a vintage Amazing Race Kodak EasyShare camera or something.

Team Survivor and Team Annoying are literally neck-in-neck as they race to the mat and although, from my camera angle Rahb was there first, Ambuh didn’t get there before PODubya and Miss South Kellylina so they wound up third. Hugs and high-fives.

Ron & Kelly…Rahb & Ambuh…you’re teams #2 and 3. And, PODubya uttered the Wisest Words Yet this season with, “It’s just the competitive nature of all of us. We’re willing to put our hands out and shake hands when we’re not racing, but when we’re racing, whoever’s on top is competition and we’re very, very, very competitive.” You’ve got two Survivor castaways, a beauty queen and an Army guy…yeah, that’s a pretty competitive group and I mean that in the least snarky of ways.

Philo and The Man point off toward the horizon for about the tenth time this segment (like you can’t see the teams running up on that barren terrain) and Grandma & Grandpa Girlname…sad music…you are team #4!

Guess what Grandma said? “OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.” And with that, they are officially the oldest team to have ever made it this far on the show. Hugs.

Lenny and Squiggy…you’re the last team to arrive. Lynn says they had a terrific time, then they both wisely abort some sort of strip tease for Philo and The Man as they yap about the places they’ve been and the people they’ve seen. Lynn chokes back tears as he says, “I can’t imagine anything that would compare to the joy we’ve received from the people on this race and the people that we’ve met.”

Except…perhaps…your eye cream and skin cream.

Next week on The Amazing Race, Bahston Rahb picks on the blind and Miss South Kellylina says some really ignorant things about PODubya’s Army days. I can say that, now that I’m officially a Military Wife.

Happy happy, joy joy.