Previously on The Amazing Race, Joyce made me cry when shaved her head, Grandma & Grandpa Girlname “partied with the locals” (but didn’t pull up her shirt) and mercifully, The Fabulous Butch Boys hit the Mat of Judgment last and were sent home to be reunited with their skin care products.

Four teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

I’m so glad this season is almost over…I’m tired. And, I think I say this every season but the downside of these later episodes is that it takes quite a bit to stretch the activities of four teams into sixty minutes. There are less teams to keep track of, but more idle time…eh, six to one, half dozen to the other.

Uchenna & Bald ‘n Stylin’ Joyce depart first at 11:24 p.m. Clue rip…fly 4,000 miles to Istanbul (not Constantinople), Turkey and make their way to the island of Kiz Kulesi. At the top of the island’s tower, they’ll find their next clue.

So, here’s the thing. After everything Joyce went through with the Fast Forward and shaving her head and me calling her E.T., after all was said and done, she and Uchenna were only two minutes ahead of Rahb & Ambuh and PODubya & Miss South Kellylina, teams 2 and 3…who departed at 11:26 p.m.

I’m really hoping Sanju the Guide didn’t stick around the entire 12 hours waiting but, there he is, ready to take care of Rahb & Ambuh while PODubya & Miss South Kellylina tag along. I’m trying to figure out why Rahb, since he’s so good at antagonizing people, didn’t just tell Ron & Kelly to get their own taxi, their own guide and quit following them around…especially after Miss South Kellylina starts doing that put-out deep sigh thing and telling PODubya to chill out. Those two just tense me up…there’s nothing more uncomfortable than hanging around a dysfunctional couple. Really.

Despite the discomfort, Rahb & PODubya high-five and continue on to “the travel agency” because, as we all know from Amazing Races past…aw come on kids, you should know the rules by now…say it along with me…you can’t get international tickets at the airport, you have to go to a travel agent!

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname depart a mere seven minutes after the Flintstones and Rubbles. Didn’t realize they were that bunched up.

Travel agent + hotel + airport = first 25 minutes of this episode.

The fun really begins at the airport. Bahston Rahb decides that he wants to screw with Grandma & Grandpa by asking them if they were able to get on the earlier flight to Turkey, I guess never thinking they had the brain capacity to at least check to see if there was, in fact, an earlier flight. So, Grandma & Grandpa get together with Joyce and Uchenna and badda boom, badda bing…the four of them are on an earlier flight to Turkey. HA!

How much earlier, you might ask? Two hours! Hee! The mastermind has been out-masterminded by the old and bald! HA!

I must say…I have never seen a monkey crawling around an airport here in the United States.

This week’s Taxicab Confession involves PODubya and Miss South Kellylina. He’s amazed by all the places he’s seen and basically said that there are other things he wants to do before settling down, having kids and getting married. Fair enough. I say, do all those things if that’s what you feel you need to do…go Ron! Miss South Kellylina however, has I guess seen all she wants to see because she’s not going to wait around for Ron to sow his proverbial wild oats. “I’m worth more than that,” she says. Ah…nothing says love like bullying your boyfriend into hopping on the same relationship timeline you’re on.

Aww.

Anyhoo…Miss South Kellylina’s then spews the now-famous verbal diarrhea about PODubya’s “commitment” issues; specifically, that he “got out” of his military commitment by being a PODubya. That is, by far, the most ignorant thing I have heard this season. Now, the UberHusband told me that PODubya was probably given the option of staying in or getting out but honestly…what would you have done? I would have left, too. There’s a difference between being given a valid option to leave after oh, I don’t know, a life-altering experience and quitting.

Ooh…Miss South Kellylina made me mad. My little Snarkzilla claws came out and everything. She’s damn lucky her man isn’t dead.

Meanwhile, Old and Bald pick up their plane tickets and…hee hee…they’re getting in before Rahb! Allow me to cackle a little more! HA!

Unfortunately for Rahb, this is about the point when he just starts looking like an ass. Clever editing allows us to hear every single comment he makes about how they’re all WAY ahead of Old and Bald and how cahnfident dey are. Blind leading the blind…haven’t got a clue…oh Rahb…shut up now…don’t make this worse than it already is…

Old and Bald arrive in Istanbul (not Constantinople) and promptly head off to the island. Joyce and Uchenna get to the clue box first. Clue rip. Find the gnome. What teams don’t know (unless they, uh, turn the thing over) is that these are Travelocity Roaming Gnomes! Yay! Product placement! The team that gets to the pit stop with the gnome that has a picture of an airplane on it will win a “special prize” from Travelocity. Yay! Product placement!

Once they have their gnome, teams must go to another tower at Galata Kulesi for their next clue.

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname arrive second, but because Grandma is Grandma, doesn’t understand that 4 clues - 1 clue = 3 clues = YOU’RE SECOND, NOT FIRST unless she’s referring to the more general “we’re here first” as opposed to “we’re last, so sew our backpacks to our bodies.”

Old and Bald get their gnomes and head to tower #2. Clue rip. Detour. Columns or Kilos? In this Detour, teams have to choose between Stupid Task and Easy Task. In Stupid Task, teams have to go decipher some sort of code in a well held up by 224 colums, then pull a box from the well and unlock the box or something to that effect.

In Easy Task, teams must travel to a town square and weigh people. Phil calls this, “A common practice on the streets of Istanbul (not Constantinople).” Huh? You mean, for giggles, people just…weigh other people? Do the fat people get offended, or is that something my Americanized socialization has taught me would be the appropriate knee-jerk reaction? But…I digress. They have to weigh 2,500 kilograms (or 5,500 lbs.) to get their next clue. Yeah! Bring on the fatties!

Grandma Girlname needs to get a sense of humor. When Grandpa asks her what they should name their gnome, she looks all pissy and says, “I don’t know…Gnome.” Goodness. Name him Phil…or Lawrence Welk…just name him something. Grandpa comes up with the moniker, “Jerome. Jerome the Gnome.” Hee.

You know, I start getting a gagging feeling when I watch Rahb shove his foot into his mouth and three inches down his throat. Heh heh…”I think we got a big enough lead right now. We don’t wanna overdo it.” Even Ambuh looks like she wants to slug Rahb.

Meanwhile, at the town square, Uchenna starts speaking to Turkish people and sounding like Apu from The Simpsons. Those countries on the other side of the world…they’re all the same basically, right? I thought that they were probably at a disadvantage because it was so early in the morning but eventually people start showing up. 2,500 kilograms. Clue rip. Maneuver yourself to Rumeli Hisari, where you will find your next clue.

And…Grandpa, Grandma and Jerome the Gnome are wandering around tower #2. She doesn’t know what the “Z” floor is and lets out a few more “OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDs” before asking, “Why do we have so much trouble with things like this?” Things like what? Finding clue boxes? Yeah, you guys suck at that…that’s why you’re in the final four. They do one more loop (and Grandma does one more “OH MY GODDDDDD”) before finding the clue box and opting to weigh people.

Meanwhile, Rahb & Ambuh hop on the little commuter boat and find out…giggle…that Old and Bald were there two hours ago. BAHAHAHA! Fortunately, Ambuh knows what a gnome is, because Rahb doesn’t. They head back in as PODubya & Miss South Kellylina head out and find their gnome. I was sad that PODubya didn’t make a reference to all the gnomes he saw in Baghdad but…maybe it was irrelevant or edited out. By this point, the two of them know they are solidly in last place.

Uchenna & Joyce head to tower #3. Roadblock. Is climbing your forte? No…and not just no, but hell no. The poor soul stuck with this task has to climb a 25-ft. rope ladder, find a key at the top of the tower, repel back down the tower and then unlock a book that holds their next clue. I am just loving Uchenna…”Be right back, baby!” and then he just heads over and shows that tower who’s boss…but then he can’t find the key. Then, he finds the key and repels back down the tower. Clue rip unlock. Teams must search the interior of the fortress and find the scenic overlook…the last team to arrive may be eliminated.

Here’s how not to find the Man With Scales…walk around the town square yelling, “Scales! Scales? Scales!”

Scenic overlook. Phil. Black gloves. Joyce & Uchenna…you are team #1! Kisses & hugs. Unfortunately, their gnome does not have a plane but…they are team #1.

Grandma & Grandpa finally find the guy with the scales (”Oh, for GOD’S SAKE!”) and Grandma starts asking for grande people. Everyone speaks Spanish! Yay! Clue rip…go to repel.

Rahb & Ambuh also weigh people. Rahb gets everyone in a line but apparently isn’t in the mood to be friendly since he’s literally shoving people out of the way once he’s gotten his kilos. PODubya & Kelly choose the columns task but it’s totally irrelevant because they’re still in last place.

Smooches and prayers as Grandma heads up the rope ladder. Now, she drives me nuts but I was very happy they had such a large lead over The Other Two Teams because it gave her enough time to do her thing. And…to her credit…she did it! She made it to the top of the wall and had enough adrenaline going to get her through the rest of the task. I’m so proud of her, even though she talks to herself 96% of the time.

Jerome the Gnome, Grandma & Grandpa…you are team #2 but sadly, not the winners of the Travelocity Roaming Gnome super-prize.

Rahb does the Roadblock, blows up the wall, finds the key and is back downstairs.

This week’s Amazing Quote goes to both Miss South Kellylina and Ambuh, as they meet up and wait downstairs for their men to complete the Roadblock.

Miss South Kellylina: “Hey.”
Ambuh: “Hey.”

What’s so funny is the best scene in this week’s episode came at the end of the show. As Rahb & Ambuh are running up to the pit stop, Ron just stands at the top of the tower and watches them off in the distance.

Rahb & Ambuh… you are team #3 but you do not have the winning Travelocity Roaming Gnome which means…

Ron & Kelly…you’re the last team to arrive. Sonofagun though, it’s not an elimination leg…bet you’re wishing you’d taken my advice to sew your backpacks to your skin, eh? It’s kind of like when we bought our house…anything that was bolted to the walls (unless expressly excluded) was included in the house. Phil takes everything except the clothes they’re wearing and their passports. No cash for the next leg of the race but theoretically Miss South Kellylina should have some sort of talent so I think they’ll probably be able to make it out of Turkey, at the very least.

However…they did get the Travelocity Roaming Gnome prize which was twenty thousand dollars to be used on Travelocity and…and…they get to spend their Turkish pit stop at the Four Seasons Istanbul (not Constantinople), where they’ll “have a chance to browse online for their trip.” Yeah. That’s gonna happen.

Next week on The Amazing Race…Joyce yells and PODubya makes a disparaging remark about teaching women to drive. After all the support I gave you this week, you’re gonna dis me like that next week? For shame.