Previamente en La Raza Sombrosa, cuatro equipos precisaron para Estambul (no Constantinople), subido algunas torres y competido con algunas llamas… usted sabe, cocina turca típica. PODubya miró encendido cariñosamente mientras que su archnemesis Bahston Rahb golpeó el tercer mat y él y Srta. South Kellylina golpearon el último mat pero de alguna manera por la tolerancia del dios y el Travelocity, $20k ganado en moolah del recorrido y una noche en La Habitación De La Fantasía.

Sheesh.

¿Cuatro equipos permanecen… quién será eliminada… después?

I’m just kidding…I’m not really going to do the entire recap in Spanish in honor of Cinco De Mayo. If you want to know what I wrote though, skip over here and translate to your heart’s desire.

Uchenna & Joyce, who were the first to arrive (excited “WOOHOO” hugs!), depart first at 10:53 p.m. Subdued clue rip. Make your way to the Sirkeci Train Station and find the dervishes (“Are they whirling?” -UberHusband). According to Phil, yes, the dervishes are whirling. Once the teams get there I guess they look on and marvel at the wonderment of whirling dervishes then…that’s about it. Of course, the UberHusband, who has made it considerably further through Religion For Dummies than I have, explains in great detail the concept of the whirling dervishes and it all sounded very Footloose to me.

Anyhoo, Uchenna counts their cash (never know when the Amazing Accountants might screw up) and happen upon a taxi right in front of the pit stop. Go them! Joyce mentions again how “in the real world,” she and Uchenna tend to go in opposite directions but on the Race, they’re working really well together. I agree…they don’t appear to me like a couple who is anything other than two peas in a pod. So, this is good.

Dervishes whirl. Clue rip. Fly to London, England and “figure out” that the Beatles album cover the clue refers to is at Abbey Road. You know, this is interesting…the season is finishing up by turning around and heading back West. Every other season has the remaining teams go to some country that is culturally and linguistically the polar opposite of America so they can eventually wind up in Hawaii. Apparently though, not this time around since they’re going to Jolly Old England. Blech.

Grandma & Grandpa Girlname depart second and I can just hear their bones and joints creaking as they walk down the steps and also miraculously have a minimal cab wait. I always wonder if these pit stops are sort of set up like Chicago O’Hare Airport’s cab stands…when one leaves, another immediately appears. Grandma is proud that they’re still in the race, proud that they’re the oldest couple to have made it this far and “hoping that they’d just get through the first couple of legs without embarrassing ourselves.” Well Grandma, you guys outdid yourselves because you wound up embarrassing yourselves for many more than just the first couple of legs…yay you! And of course, I mean that in the most complimentary way possible.

At the airport, Uchenna & Joyce snag an 8:30 a.m. direct flight to London on Turkish Air…allegedly, the quickest way to get there. I think I’ve figured out why people tend to get into trouble at the airports. They ask if that’s the quickest way…and it is…on the airline whose ticket counter you’re at. They want your money. Unless they’re just really, really swell folk or you ask them specifically, they aren’t going to check on other airlines. Think about that bratty American Airlines ticket agent from last season who single-handedly caused Kris & Jon to lose because she was too lazy to point out there was an earlier flight they could get on.

Uchenna wants to stick with the direct flight, even after Uchenna recommends looking for something with a connection, but she wants to do the safe thing.

Grandma & Grandpa party with the Whirling Dervishes (weren’t those the guys who fell out of the plane in Honeymoon In Vegas?) and rip open their clue (what a screeching sound that is amongst all the whirling and chanting) and immediately wish for Mel Torme instead of The Beatles. Okay, let’s do the math. Grandma was in her mid-twenties when the Beatles hit American soil. She was part of their key demographic…this makes no sense…I don’t get…oh, never mind. Chalk this up to another embarrassing moment.

Bahston Rahb rips open their departing clue third and totally butchers “rolling deverishes” while also making a disparaging remark about topless women in front of what probably is a Muslim cab driver. Way to go, pal.

Meanwhile, at the airport, Baa Baa Grandma follows suit with Joyce & Uchenna on the Safe Direct Flight.

And, in probably the most frightening moment ever on The Amazing Race…more frightening than bungee jumping…more frightening than Jonathan Baker’s irrational outbursts…more frightening than eating Ye Olde Argentine Animal Guts…we see…Miss South Kellylina without any makeup on. Avert your eyes…oh wait, too late. It never occurred to me for half a second that any of these women would have wasted valuable backpack space with makeup but…she is a beauty queen. Let’s not forget that. Clue rip.

I also have a sneaking suspicion that there was neither nookie nor vibraty the previous night in the Fantasy Suite, because when Miss South Kellylina mentions the rocks being slick, PODubya does not behave like a man who has recently “reunited” with his girlfriend and instead says, “Not really.” I don’t know…maybe he picked up that level of pillow talk in Baghdad.

They have no money, so they immediately go ask the Whirling Drunks for money. Ultimately unsuccessful, they hit the local convenience store whose clerk helps them procure a little cash and a fairly cheap cab ride to the Whirling Dervishes. When you have no cash, that’s what you do…take it one cab ride at a time.

Ambuh noticed the same thing I did…that the Whirling Dervishes were kind of unsettling…like they were hanging…like creepy marionettes or that clown from Poltergeist. At the airport, Bahston Rahb & Ambuh hijack a ticket agent’s computer and look for better flights on…ta da…Travelocity! Turns out, there’s a flight that leaves earlier than the 8:30 a.m. direct flight and connects through Frankfurt but there’s the rub…it connects. We all know what can happen with connecting flights. Your first flight departs late, the connecting flight departs late, the connecting flight is cancelled…but…with big risk comes big reward. If they make it through, they show up 90 minutes earlier than Old and Bald.

Oh wait…but the plane is full. Ambuh doesn’t care…again, with great risk comes great reward…so they get on the standby list. When PODubya and Miss South Kellylina get to the airport, Grandpa Girlname gives them some money and thanks them for having been kind to them when they were cashless. That’s all fine and well but YOU’RE TWO OF FOUR TEAMS LEFT! When Grandma & Grandpa had no money, there were more teams…and less at stake. Oh well. Baa Baa Grandpa tells them to get on the 8:30 a.m. flight to London…come on…all the cool kids are doing it, but as they walk to the ticket counter, Miss South Kellylina spies a flight getting ready to leave for Frankfurt. Hmm. Her three brain gears start to spin and she tells Ron they need to take the risk and fly standby on the earlier connecting flight.

The Flintstones and Rubbles hop on their flight to Frankfurt, while Bald and Old sit around, wondering where everyone else is. Kind of like last week…only backwards.

In London, Bahston Rahb manages to procure yet another local travel guide, whom I will call Harry Potter, to lead them straight to Abbey Road while Miss South Kellylina shares her sob story of how they lost all their money yesterday with unsuspecting British folk. Did you tell them why you lost all your money? Huh? Huh? PODubya’s just glad he’s in a country where the people speak English. Yeah, but it’s British English. I kind of expected PODubya & Miss South Kellylina’s cab driver to be that Mr. Marriage guy from Marriage 911 or more likely, Dr. Phil (CBS show and all).

Abbey Road. Clue box. Clue rip. Teams must make their way to the London Eye, a 40-story ferris wheel on the banks of the river Thames. They’ll climb into a creepy pod and circle around until they find the Amazing Race flag hanging…somewhere…in the city. Then they need to go to the flag to find the next clue box. Fun.

PODubya and Miss South Kellylina get to Abbey Road second and Mr. Love tells his girlyfriend to pick up the pace because, “We’re still in a race, you know.” Aww. I so don’t want them to win! Shucky darn!

London is such a lovely, brown city from 40 stories up. Good thing Ambuh’s got her glasses on. Miss South Kellylina is nagging. Now, to be clear…I don’t nag the UberHusband. I’ll flat out ask him to do something but I will not ask him to do something, then follow it up with the condescending, “Like I’ve asked you to do several times already.” Good Lord…these two are the pissiest couple around. They nitpick. They nag. They whine. Then, Miss South Kellylina calls PODubya “a brat.” A brat? What is this, middle school? I’ve got to say, if my girlfriend treated me like an impudent child, I wouldn’t be rushing and dragging her to the altar, either. I”m just sayin’.

But wait…the fun’s not over! Once safely trapped inside a clear pod several stories above the London skyline, Miss South Kellylina snits that she’ll start looking for the Amazing Flag after she’s received her apology. Come on Ron…throw her out. I promise I’ll tell everyone in my recap that it was an accident.

Rahb & Ambuh find the flag then ask their manservant, Harry Potter, to take them to the clue box. Poor guy…did you notice that he’s still hauling around his bag, too? He probably just got off a 22-hour flight from someplace, then immediately hooks up with those two dorks from Survivor. Clue rip. Detour! This week’s Good Choice involves solving a series of three riddles in London’s Underground, which will eventually lead them to Faux Sherlock Holmes on Baker Street and their next clue. Bad Choice involves dragging 5 160 lb. boats and stacking them up, unless Grandma decides to crawl on top of the boats like she did the teak elephant, in which case Grandpa will be dragging 5 270 lb. boats.

Wisely, Rahb & Ambuh choose the riddles and scoot back to the Underground with Harry Potter in tow.

Oh yeah…I forgot Old and Bald still hadn’t arrived in London yet! While trying to figure out how to get to Abbey Road, they get the bad news that the Flinstones and Rubbles showed up about two hours earlier. There’s talk of “do or die” and then we cut to the World’s Most Annoying Hallmark Commercial. “Mommmmmmmmmmm…who’s your Snuggly Buggly Boo?” {giggle}

Okay, Harry Potter is kind of hot…and he basically does the Detour for Rahb & Ambuh…lucky them.

PODubya & Miss South Kellylina choose Good Choice and…I’m sorry, did she just say, “The three nekkid men of Hammersmith?” Oh my…she did. Myohmyohmyohmy.

Rahb & Ambuh hand all of their belongings off to Faux Sherlock Holmes and receive their next clue. Clue rip. Teams must make their way to Millennium Dome and the clue box in the parking lot outside. Uh oh…I see double decker buses in the background…bwa ha ha! Caution! Yield ahead! They move as fast as they can because they know they’ll get Yielded if they’re not first. Harry Potter says goodbye to Rahb, Ambuh and the Amazing Cameraman because well, he’s got sorcery to take care of and the day isn’t getting any longer.

Ron & Kelly hand off their detective paraphernalia to Faux Sherlock Holmes and head off in a taxi because she’s from the South and doesn’t understand that when you’re in a big city, taking the train is generally quicker than taking a taxi.

Thankfully for us, The Amazing Race viewers, we don’t have to experience Grandma Girlname’s first “OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDD” until minute 33. And this time, it’s in a good way!

This is the third…and last…Yield of the race. I can’t believe Rahb & Ambuh actually debate whether or not to Yield Ron & Kelly. Seriously. I would say this moment qualifies as the mostest of “most advantageous.” Roadblock. Some poor soul has to drive a double-decker bus through a marked course and back the bus into a designated space. But…if he/she hits one of the cones, they have to start all over. Ambuh, understandably, wants to get out of there before The Brat and Kelly show up…I’d want to get out of there, too.

Meanwhile, Old and Bald decide to haul boats, which is just sad. Not necessarily for Bald because they’ve got the strength, but definitely for Old. I don’t care if Grandpa has all sorts of swimming trophies, he probably didn’t win those races with his wife attached to his Speedo.

The funny thing about Rahb…he doesn’t get mad. Sure, he gets frustrated but he doesn’t yell at people and certainly doesn’t yell at Ambuh. Quite the contrary…he continues to reassure her that although he’s hit the cone with the bus three times, the fourth time will be the charm. Congratulations! Clue rip. Teams must now travel to Potter’s Field Park…the tenth pit stop…blah blah…last team to check in may be eliminated. Oh come on, we all know the last team will be eliminated.

Uh oh…Ron & Kelly just found out they got Yielded. So, what do they do? They flip over the timer and…stand there.

Old loves Bald…they’re so motivating, so nice, so friendly…and I agree. As a matter of fact, Uchenna tries to help the old couple out by pushing their boat until Grandma tells them they can’t have anyone help them. I have to wonder, if it came down to Old and Bald in the final two and Uchenna had to choose between helping out Grandpa and his aching back and winning the million dollars…which would he pick?

I mean, I’ve been sort-of backhandedly rooting for Grandma & Grandpa but geez, if they’re going to pick…um…the task called “Brawn” when they have no brawn, why would you help them? It’s their lame decision-making that got them there. I mean, why didn’t they pick Sherlock Holmes? Certainly Grandma or Grandpa had to have gone to school with the guy at some point, considering they’re old enough to make Mel Torme references.

Anyway, Uchenna & Joyce finish stacking their boats and bid Old adieu. Joyce & Uchenna’s cab driver is gracious and tells them it would probably be quicker to take the train to Millennium Dome…but, he didn’t specify which train so Joyce and Uchenna head up to the train platform and…watch the train speed right by. WTF? Turns out, they should have taken the Underground train. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. Okay. That’s alright though, because Grandma & Grandpa are stuck in the not-quicker cab, bemoaning city traffic.

PODubya points out that driving the double-decker bus would have been the perfect Roadblock for him to do (because what, he drove one in Baghdad?) but since he’s already done five, he’ll just stand on the sidelines and laugh at Double-Decker Bus Driving Barbie.

Hey! There’s Mr. Marriage from Marriage 911, after all! And…he’s standing with Phil at the pit stop! Hello! Welcome to London! Ambuh compliments Mr. Marriage’s outfit.

Rahb & Ambuh…you are TEAM NUMBER ONE! And…they’ve won a home entertainment system, courtesy of JVC, which they can enjoy, I assume, after the race. Rahb & Ambuh make some truncated references to luck but we don’t care anymore because…

The other three teams are trying to drive buses through a marked course. When I was watching Kelly try to drive her bus, it reminded me of that Brady Bunch episode when Greg and Marcia are trying to prove who are the better drivers…men or women.

Then…Joyce melts down and yaps at Uchenna that he’s making her nervous…he decides to shut up, but PODubya just keeps snitting at Kelly. Now, you would think that finishing the task second would be a good thing, but apparently Kelly has taken everything that happened on that task very personally. PODubya tells her she did great and he’s proud of her, to which she insincerely replies, “Thanks” and pouts. Then, she rips into PODubya and how mean he was during the task. He says something about being in the military where you don’t have to be emotional and nice and he’s not used to that. Dude, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. The UberHusband is very good at being emo – oh wait…she does have a point. The UberHusband tends to teach and instruct me with a certain militaristic flair but, that’s fine. Does everything in life have to be sopping, dripping wet with gooey emotion?

This week’s Amazing Quote goes to PODubya who says:

“I flew a $35 million helicopter. I am highly, highly trained to operate a MO-bile machine.” {cue the UberHusband, pretending his arms are airplane wings, crashing into the ground}

You know PODubya, I was on your side until Kelly threatened your military manhood a little too much and you recommended turning the cab around and going back to the challenge so you could show her that you’re just as nice of a guy as her Army brother. Gah. What is wrong with you people?

Meanwhile, Meredith and Joyce are still driving their buses and it’s either cold outside, or Grandma Girlname is having a stroke, what with her shoulders all hunched up and her face contorted. Joyce finally manages to back her bus in (hee hee) and, as the gray sun sets in London, Meredith also finishes this highly frustrating task on the 7th try.

As PODubya & Miss South Kellylina run to the pit stop, Phil hand-gestures in their direction saying, “Mr. Marriage, that’s the couple I was telling you about.” Ron & Kelly…you’re team number two! No hugs. They’re frustrated…and tired…and Kelly asks Mr. Marriage if he has any lipstick because the stuff she borrowed at the airport three days ago has worn off.

Joyce and Uchenna…you are team number three! Hugs and kisses. “Woo! That’s what we wanted, baby!”

Phil looks sad as Grandma & Grandma Girlname approach. Meredith and Gretchen…you’re the last team to arrive. I’m sorry to say you’ve been eliminated from the race. Hugs. Aww. They love each other, they’re amazing…million dollar’s worth of memories…and Grandpa is going to take a crowbar to the next double-decker bus he sees.

Good luck, Grandma & Grandpa…you two done good.

Next week…finally…on the season finale of The Amazing Race (notice: finally and finale look an awful lot alike), PODubya and Miss South Kellylina discuss the future of their relationship on the last freaking leg and we get to watch Uchenna and Joyce win the million bucks.

They didn’t say that…I did.