The O.C. last night. Oh. My. God.

Trey…I hate you. I don’t care if you’re troubled and have had a rough life…you’re screwing the local high school coke whore (sounds like a good Lifetime movie topic) and, while cranked up, you assault Marissa and leave her with both physical and emotional marks. You suck. Cleaning toilets seems like a pretty fitting job for you.

Summer…thank you so so so much for not saying, “I choose me” and going all Kelly Taylor on us. Zach and Seth are dorks who are undeserving of your time. The UberHusband wants you to perk up and start operating at that high frequency again. He said he doesn’t like seeing you sad. I’ve never had gnocchi and didn’t know how to pronounce it until last night, either.

Zach…cut your hair. And, real men don’t make gnocchi. Oh wait, I forgot…you’re a water polo player.

Seth…I am generally your #1 advocate but, not lately…although I did sort of like you having the Comic Book Club guys stake out Summer and Zach. And by the way, quit wearing shirts that make you look like you’re about to bust out of them Incredible Hulk-style and get over yourself. I used to find you charming and now I just find you annoying. Five words for you pal, “We were on a break.”

Sandy…if your wife gets all in a snit when you bring up her drinking, she has a problem. Had I been you though, when I dropped her car off at the shop the last thing I would have gotten her was a rental. That’s like just giving her permission to smash the thing up.

Caleb…you’re such a pompous ass. You’re right…Julie has had her, ahem, moments…but she’s been trying. She told her ex to take a hike because she wanted to work things out and you won’t even let her explain. And…you serve her with divorce papers at a restaurant? Tackkkkkkkkkkkky.

Julie…you had to have seen this coming, but I’m so sorry. And to lose your job to boot? Bummer. But, it’s comforting to see that you don’t like your morning cocktails as strong as the Kirstinator.

Marissa…how could we go, over the course of one season, from hating your train-wreck tendencies to adoring you again? Thank heavens for heavy, blunt objects on the beach when you need them, huh? And, I’m sorry you kept seeing Trey’s nasty smirk when you were making out with Ryan. If it makes you feel any better, I hear your dad is coming to see you soon.

Bob Jones University Boyfriend…you and your bible study buddies were freaking hilarious last night. Although, come on, you roughed up Seth because of that whole Jewish “chosen people” thing, didn’t you…it had nothing to do with Gidget and her bottle of Holy Whipped Cream.

Nana…proof that you’re never too old to be blind when it comes to love, especially if your intended has a blinding set of veneers.

And Kirsten…I’d feel worse if I didn’t see you lying in the hospital bed next week with what looked like less injuries than what Trey is currently sporting. You have a problem. You represent all that is good in the world and in marriage and motherhood…don’t disappoint me like this…makes me angry. At least the car was a rental.