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Previously on The Amazing Race, our teams learned the fine art of bus driving, Rahb & Ambuh experienced a thing I like to call “payback,” and Ron & Kelly continued their quest to set themselves up for a surprise marriage proposal on a talk show in the next week.

Three teams remain…who will win (Dr. Evil voice) one milllllllllllllllion dollars?

For the last couple of seasons, I’ve griped about how tough it is to recap these 2-hour finales so, to maximize snarkiness while minimizing personal angst, I live-blogged. Yes. You heard me.

8:00 p.m. - Phil takes us down Amazing Race memory lane and talks about people I frankly, don’t remember. I didn’t realize that PODubya and Miss South Kellylina were about a millisecond away from going home the very first leg. Ah…memories, Blondes getting lost, Grandma Girlname whacking her head, Dull and Duller flipping their vehicle and Kelly proclaiming the love of her life a “piece of trash redneck.” Joyce shaved her head which ultimately, only bought them about a half-hour lead.

8:04 p.m. - Kelly “confronts” Ron in Istanbul and for some stupid reason implies that Ron volunteered to be a PODubya. I just felt the need to remind everyone of that little exchange.
8:10 p.m. - The remaining three teams knock back pints during the pit stop. Rahb & Ambuh depart at 2:47 p.m and fly to Jamaica, mon. Rahb implores the Amazing Producers to just write the check, because he and Ambuh are going to win. Rahb butchers the Jamaican word, “Mon.”
8:11 p.m. - Ron & Kelly depart 2 hours after Rahb & Ambuh. PODubya once again points out that in the military, he didn’t have to deal with “these emotional things.” (“Yeah, but you weren’t dating your crew chief, either. Maybe you were.” -UberHusband)

8:13 p.m. - Uchenna & Joyce bring up the rear and we have a Dr. Phil moment when Uchenna tells us that they considered splitting up but the Race has changed all of that.
8:15 p.m. - Kelly has makeup on. Ron gripes about how, a year and a half ago, he was controlled. People controlled what he did, what he ate. (“You mean he’s been married before?” -SnarkWife) Kelly’s sad and for some reason thinks that if Ron is acting like her boyfriend, then he is obligated to marry her.

8:17 p.m. - Ron tries to hold Kelly’s hand on the flight to Jamaica. She pulls her hand away.
8:18 p.m. - Frenchman’s Cove. Roadblock. Teams participate in a “traditional Jamaican party game”…no, it’s not panhandling or hairbraiding…it’s not even drug selling…it’s limbo, mon! The lower you limbo, the earlier you can leave Frenchman’s Cove the next day.

8:19 p.m. - Kelly: How low can you go? Ron: Sounds like you.
8:20 a.m. - Ambuh goes very low and snags an 8:15 a.m. departure for Grant’s Level where they’ll get their next clue.
8:21 p.m. - Kelly goes very low, too and Joyce gives up and settles for 8:30 a.m.
8:22 p.m. - Teams build a bonfire to take them through the overnight hours. Rahb built fires on Survivor.

8:24 p.m. - PODubya says, “No worries, man.” Grant’s Level. Detour. Huck Finn It or Build It. Finally! PODubya admits there’s something he can’t do…he can’t build a raft. Using Kellylogic, if he had known how to do that, maybe he could have gotten out of being a PODubya. Rahb built rafts on Survivor.

8:26 p.m. - Everyone is Building It. The UberHusband disagrees with their choice and says that rafting 8 miles down the river would have been quicker. Rahb picks now as the time to be the Anal Retentive Construction Guy.
8:27 p.m. - This week’s Amazing Quote goes to PODubya, lambasting desperate-to-be-married chickiepoo while trying to build their raft:

“The last time I built one of these was, oh, never. So relax.”

8:29 p.m. - Gratuitious shot of Joyce’s underwear. Kelly calls Ron a “smart-A.” Yep. That’ll learn him.

8:30 p.m. - Joyce & Uchenna gets the thumbs-up to head across the river, as do Rahb & Ambuh. Gratuitous shot of PODubya’s underwear.
8:31 p.m. - Rahb stumbles up the hill to get his next clue. Ambuh whacks her head on their raft pole. Kelly primps and asks Ron what he wants her to do. Rob loses his shoe in the river. Clue rip. Montego Bay. Pit stop.
8:32 p.m. - Ron finishes the entire Build It task on his own.

8:33 p.m. - Tyson the Taxi Driver has Rahb & Ambuh’s back. Oh wait, maybe he doesn’t. Why is everyone stopping at the same gas station? The UberHusband loses all patience with Kelly.
8:35 p.m. - Joyce and Uchenna drive by Rahb & Ambuh, who have been pulled over by the police. They cackle. PODubya & Kelly drive by and he reminisces about the good old days in Baghdad, when he was stopped at police checkpoints.
8:36 p.m. - Kristen Davis pitches Maybelline cosmetics, now with caffeine!

8:39 p.m. - PODubya notices that Uchenna & Joyce’s tire looks a little…low. Rahb & Ambuh notice, too.
8:40 p.m. - Uchenna & Joyce notice their tire is flat. No one stops to help. Ron & Kelly are now in first place.

8:41 p.m. - Tyson the Wonder Driver has no idea where he’s going. Rahb stops and asks for directions.
8:43 p.m. - Round Hill. Cottage 16. Teams racing. Phil. Ziggy Marley. Ron & Kelly…you are team #1. Rahb shakes Ron’s hand…team #2. At least Ron & Kelly didn’t win anything. Uchenna & Joyce are the last team to arrive…but…surprise surprise, this is a non-elimination leg! Joyce & Uchenna hand over all their money and all their possessions. They’ll start off the next leg with no money but hey, that just puts them on par with the rest of the locals.

8:49 p.m. - Non-Travelocity-sponsored ad for the Puerto Rico Convention & Visitors Bureau.
8:50 p.m. - Phil kicks off the last leg of The Amazing Race. Ron & Kelly depart first at 2:37 a.m. Teams must drive to Lucea, find a shack, pick up a bag of 50 onions, then go to a restaurant and cut up the onions? Kelly cries because she was convinced Ron was The One. She pulls out the last-ditch “the Lord will take care of me” comment.
8:52 p.m. - Rahb declares Ambuh “the most pehrfect pahrtner.”

8:53 p.m. - Joyce, Uchenna and their Gift Bag Chock Full O’ Baby Dreams depart last. They have no money and Uchenna declares their options, “limited.” Ya think?
8:54 p.m. - Ron & Kelly’s taxi driver don’t know where highway A1 is. I’ve been to Jamaica. Ain’t that big. Ron says it’s like finding a haystack in a bunch of needles.

8:56 p.m. - For some reason, Uchenna and Joyce use their free cab ride to go to the airport. To beg for money. In the middle of the night.
8:57 a.m. - Rahb & Ambuh chop onions. Ron & Kelly arrive. Kelly isn’t “good at cutting things.” Rahb says when he was a kid, his mom used to lock him in the basement to chop onions.

8:58 p.m. - Joyce & Uchenna are batting zero at the Montego Bay International Airport. No one is interested in giving them any money in the middle of the night. To be fair, when I left Jamaica I was sick and tired of being pestered by people who wanted my money…I didn’t care if they did speak perfect English and muttered something about “a race.”
9:00 p.m. - Joyce is crying. Lady…save it for the onions! Save it for the onions…like Kelly did! Kelly tells Martha Stewart to “watch out.”

9:01 p.m. - Joyce & Uchenna play the sad, crying card and score enough cash to get to the onion shack.
9:02 p.m. - Rahb & Ambuh finish chopping onions and go to Rose Hall for their next clue.
9:03 p.m. - Where did these teams get these law-abiding, docile drivers? Our Sandals van operator had a death wish and nothing to lose when he transported us from the airport to our hotel. We have video to prove it.

9:04 p.m. - Detour. Pony Up (a local sport known as horseback swimming?) or Tee it Up (choose clubs, dress in “appropriate attire”, take turns teeing it up until they hit the green). We could Tee It Up.
9:05 p.m. - Kelly claims to have had golf lessons. Whoopdeedoo.
9:06 p.m. - Our teams dress in appropriate attire except for PODubya, who seems to have difficulty changing into a shirt and shorts.
9:07 p.m. - Everyone has a crappy swing. The UberHusband seems to think we would have done really well on this task. He also mumbles a bunch of technogolfjargon I don’t understand. He says it would take him 2 balls to get on the green. I opt to leave that one alone.

9:08 p.m. - Rahb gets on the green. Clue rip. Fly to San Juan, Puerto Rico. Drive to Castillo San Felipe fort for their next clue.
9:09 p.m. - PODubya says he can’t hit crap. Joyce and Uchenna are the slowest onion choppers in history. PODubya says he sucks at golf. Kelly actually gets the ball on the green. Ron says he, “deserves a pick ax right through the scalp.” I don’t even need to snark…PODubya does all the work for me.
9:10 p.m. - Rahb & Ambuh beg for tickets on the 9:15 a.m. flight. Rahb begins to mutter an excuse about “My mother…” and stops. I love that.

9:16 p.m. - Rahb & Ambuh get on the 8:03 a.m. flight, delayed until 9:54 a.m.
9:17 p.m. - PODubya & Kelly miss the flight to San Juan and now have to wait until 12:42 p.m. Uchenna & Joyce finish chopping onions and head back to Rose Hall.
9:18 p.m. - Oh…wait…I get the Puerto Rico commercial now! Rahb & Ambuh land and find their marked car. They drive to the fort and then have to go to a sugar refinery. Uchenna and Joyce tee it up…but we really wanted to see someone horsebackwaterride or whatever.

9:19 p.m. - Ambuh’s looking really, really tired. PODubya & Kelly appear to be the only ones on their flight. Uchenna looks sharp in his golf attire and hits the green on his second shot. Back to the airport. Smooches.
9:21 p.m. - People are much more willing to give you money (a) during the day and (b) after they’ve had a couple of pre-flight cocktails. Rahb & Ambuh get to the sugar refinery and…it doesn’t open up until 7:30 a.m. All three teams have all night to catch up with each other.

9:23 p.m. - CheapoDubya opts to sleep in his car at the sugar refinery instead of getting a room with his non-girlfriend. Uchenna & Joyce catch up.
9:24 p.m. - Muelle de Azucar. Clue rip. Roadblock. Ready to take a plunge? Jump off the bridge, then swim 90 yards to get their clue. Very gratuitous shot of Uchenna’s underwear. PODubya jumps in.
9:25 p.m. - Rahb and Ambuh can’t find the correct marked path. I’m pretty sure this is where they lose the race. Uchenna jumps in, then swims to shore.

9:30 p.m. - PODubya jumps in, them swims to shore. Clue rip - head to your final destination, Miami, Florida and the Rickenbacker Causeway.
9:31 p.m. - Rahb shows what a swell guy he is and carries Ambuh when she can’t run fast enough. They’re in last place…but not that far in last place.
9:32 p.m. - I want to strangle Miss South Kellylina. I want PODubya to crash his marked car into the aeropuerto. They tell each other to shut up.
9:33 p.m. - Teams Survivor and Bald get tickets on the 11:15 a.m. flight to Miami. Ron and Kelly are lost and continue to bicker because, well, that’s what people do when they’re in lurrrrrrrrve. I don’t even want them to wait until they get to the aeropuerto. I want their car to veer off the road now.

9:36 a.m. - Rahb & Ambuh get on the 10:00 a.m. flight, while the ticket agent continues to insist no one can get on that flight. Rahb says they’re going to leave their bags on the plane and hope someone will send them to them. Once again, an American ticket agent (remember Kris & Jon?) decides to be a PITA and doesn’t want to help Uchenna & Joyce…something about the plane being “full.” Please.
9:38 p.m. - Promo for the new Tommy Hilfiger reality show, The Cut. God help us.

9:41 p.m. - The jetway pulls away and the American gate agent actually makes them pull it back out for Uchenna & Joyce. Are you kidding me? Rahb is stunned that their competition is on their flight.
9:42 p.m. - Miami Vice theme song. Nice. Ron & Kelly’s flight was delayed.
9:43 p.m. - Rickenbacker Causeway. Clue rip. Make your way to Little Havana and search for a cigar shop. No one on Calle Ocho seems to know what the King of da Havanas is . The mail carrier doesn’t even know. Bienvenido a Miami.

9:45 p.m. - Lucky break for Joyce & Uchenna…they find El Rey De Los Habanos first. Clue rip. Drive to Fort Lauderdale. Wait, I thought Phil said Miami was their final destination? Eh. Close enough.
9:46 p.m. - Tire King? No.
9:47 p.m. - Joyce and Uchenna are out of money. (“So Rob, how does it feel to come in second? Again?” - UberHusband) Uchenna panhandles.

9:48 p.m. - Where are PODubya & Miss South Kellylina? Ambuh says, “Go go go” with such a lack of enthusiasm that she knows they haven’t won. Joyce & Uchenna are so damn nice that they won’t stiff the cab driver (at least temporarily) so they can win the million dollars.
9:49 p.m. - Joyce and Uchenna are literally steps away from winning but are stuck outside begging for money so they can pay their taxi fare.

9:50 p.m. - Some asswipe on the streets of Fort Lauderdale tells Uchenna that “begging ain’t the way to do it” when asked for money to pay off their taxi driver. I hope Mr. Asswipe realized tonight what a chump he looked like.
9:51 p.m. - Still begging.
9:52 p.m. - Still begging. Rahb & Ambuh love each other. Don’t care about PODubya or Kelly anymore.

9:53 p.m. - Uchenna & Joyce pay off their cab driver.
9:54 p.m. - Phil. I so heart you. Final Mat of Judgment. The Fabulous Butch Boys chant, “Not Rahb & Ambuh, not Rahb & Ambuh.” Joyce and Uchenna come running down the road…and are the official winners of The Amazing Race. I don’t think Uchenna really caught on at first. Hugs. Whooping and hollering.

9:55 p.m. - Uchenna blurts out, “In vitro, here we come!” Joyce cries. They love everyone. Everyone loves them. More whooping and hollering. Thank God they’re already married, otherwise Uchenna would probably propose on The Early Show.
9:56 p.m. - Rahb & Ambuh are the second team to arrive…they fought the good fight.

9:57 p.m. - Ron & Kelly arrive, and Kelly is a bitch. I’m sorry. Don’t call yourself a typical woman and blow off Ron as a “typical man.” How freaking…typical.
9:58 p.m. - Whooping, hollering and mingling with the other teams. Uchenna and Joyce have overcome their barriers and have grown as a couple. Smooches. They love each other. Aww.

Offshore betting parlors rejoice. See you next season!