If you live someplace where it gets cold in the winter, I’m sure you’ve been inundated with all of the news stories talking about heating costs this winter rising anywhere from 40-70%. Everyone knows you should lower your thermostat to a chilly 68 degrees, but there’s even more you can do to save your sanity and your vacation fund in the upcoming months.

In light of it being 31 degrees here at my house right now (thank God I remembered to turn the sprinklers off last night) and with respectful deference to my checking account, I give you Snarkwife’s Tips To Reduce Your Heating Bill This Winter:

  • Rent my dogs for a month. Seriously. They’ll latch themselves on to you at night and emanate on average, 110 degrees of heat. Each. You won’t even need to run your heater at night.
  • Call the United States Army and volunteer your spouse (and children over 18, if still living at home) for military duty. Less people in the house means less hot water used and less people to share aforementioned Doggie Heating System.
  • Watch Wife Swap, Supernanny, Judge Mathis and any episode of Dr. Phil which includes “couples fighting about money” or “unruly, undisciplined kids.” Record them if you must, and archive them for particularly cold days. I promise, your blood will pump so quickly you’ll need a glass of ice water to cool down.
  • Watch Nancy Grace on CNN. Count the number of times she calls someone “friend.” By the end of the hour, you won’t even have noticed you’ve lost all feeling in your toes. Okay, so this one doesn’t reduce your heating bill, but it does distract you from the bitter cold.
  • Try out the latest fitness craze…Scientologyicize. Jump up and down on your couch, roll around on the floor and vehemently declare your “love” for all things “amazing” in your life.
  • Hang out at other people’s homes this winter. Bring an overnight bag and tell ‘em your evacuating early in case another hurricane hits.
  • Actually set your laptop on your lap. Your body will overheat in about five minutes. Trust me on this one.
  • Warm up in your car. Even with gasoline at $2.75 a gallon, it’s still probably cheaper than heating your home.