The physical therapist’s office has become my new favorite place to study the social behaviors of people. You see, I like to study people - what they do, what they say…and try to figure out their motivations behind what they do and what they say.

For example, on the table next to me today while I was getting my neuro treatment, was one Ms. Chatty McChatty. She’s the one you pray you won’t get stuck next to on an airplane, because not only is she curious about everything going on in your life, she’s so super fabulous herself that she assumes you want to know everything going on in her life!

I usually can avoid folks like Chatty McChatty by simply keeping my eyes closed - after all, we’re in a place for healing and I can’t heal with some stranger yammering in my ear about how she’s grateful her 93-year old mother lives only 20 minutes away, since Mama is getting old and can’t take care of herself.

I made the grave error though, of opening my eyes and inadvertently making eye contact with McC. Immediately she asked, “What are you in for?” Like we’re in the county jail…shackled up and tied down for involuntary shock therapy. Since it wasn’t really any of her business how I hurt my knee, I just pointed at my knee with all of the electrodes attached and said, “My knee.” Well. McC hurt both her ankle and her shoulder and she’s trying to get in to PT as many times as possible this week blah blah blah because she starts a new job next Tuesday and can’t come as often blah blah new insurance blah blah blah.

This behavior isn’t limited to just the patients, either! No sireebob. Last week, I had the misfortune of being stuck with a tech whose tooth hurt. Aww…that sucks, right? Well. Turns out that she went to the dentist the day before and found out she needed a root canal before the dentist can put her new bridge in. Aww…that sucks, right? Well. I guess her dentist was a little persnickety during her after-lunch appointment, and she was cranky because whatever had happened to him earlier, he seemed to be taking out on her. So what does she do? She spends 15 minutes (while I’m on my weight machines and doing my PT obstacle course) telling me how annoying it is to work with a grumpy and unprofessional health care worker. Really. You don’t say. I did finally have to halt her conversation, telling her I kept losing count of my reps while trying to listen to her.

So…ironically…I now share this with you. Ha ha. Agony…pass it on!

Then…there’s the tech who looks like he’s about twelve. Seriously - he’s a young one. Turns out, he’s not so young where he hasn’t engaged in the pleasures of the flesh, because his equally-young girlfriend is due to give birth to an equally-younger baby this weekend. One mention of that, and all other women in the facility start chiming in with their labor and delivery stories…in unassumingly graphic detail.

Oh yeah, my knee is feeling better. Still a ways to go…but, baby steps. Oops…better not say that too loud or when I go back in on Friday, everyone will start talking about walking toddlers. {wink}

Well, another Christmas is upon us. No white Christmas for us, though. At one point last week, someone “Couldn’t rule out the possibility of some stray flurries” when in fact, it started raining yesterday morning and went clear through the day…then the evening…then overnight. Too bad it didn’t freeze overnight, or all of the puddles and ponds in our backyard would have made for some sweet ice skating this morning.

You know, for many people, Christmas is a time of tradition. As CU and I sit here…after opening the gifts, and cleaning up the mess, and watching Cookie’s tiny head nearly explode from all the overstimulation, and drinking the mimosas…I think about some of my favorite Christmas traditions…

Tradition #1 - All participants in morning gift-opening must have some sort of beverage prepared before the gift opening can begin. This one goes back to when I was little. The most agonizing part was that although it took about ten seconds to pour me a glass of juice, Mom’s circa-1978 Mr. Coffee Brew-o-matic 9000, I swear, took half an hour to brew a pot of coffee. No “pause ‘n pour” features back then…oh no…back then you had to freaking wait until the whole pot was made before you could pour anything. Now though, I can crank out a cup of coffee very quickly, and CU’s glass of water is a virtual no-brainer…but no unwrapping may occur before we have our beverages. This is sacred.

Tradition #2 - Leaving milk and cookies for Santa. I haven’t done this since I left home, but I do remember the pivotal year when I started leaving wine and cheese for Santa instead of more inocuous snacks. Had I know then what I know now though, I never would have encouraged drinking & Santa-ing.

Tradition #3 - CU and I purchasing the same thing for each other. I don’t know if this is a by-product of eight Christmases together, or that we’re just a lot alike…but three years ago, we bought Ove-Gloves for each other. To enhance the fun, my mother-in-law bought one for us, as well. Last year, 8,000 miles apart, we bought each other a copy of Sideways on DVD and this year…we both got iPod Shuffles. Technically, Mom bought CU’s, but I was going to get him one, then offered it up to her as a perfect son-in-law gift idea. Can’t wait for next year…maybe we’ll buy his ‘n hers 72-inch plasma TVs.

Tradition #4 - Christmas Eve dinner at The Melting Pot. CU and I have done this every year we’ve been together, except for the first one, as he went back to North Carolina to visit his family. When Mom lived here, we took her with…and when CU was gone last year, I went with Ali (formerly of ladymac dot com) and her husband and kids. Yum-o. This naturally, lends itself to another unintentional holiday tradition, which is immediately changing clothes and showering after returning home, since every pore on our bodies and every fiber of our clothing smells like coq au vin cooking broth. Blech-o.

Tradition #5 - Ever since I was old enough to rot my teeth with sugar, Mom has gotten me one of those candy canes filled with M&M’s. When I was younger, it went into my stocking…and when I stopped opening a stocking at her house, she started packing it away cleverly with other gifts. This year, it came inside a sewing basket. Personally, I think all sewing baskets should now come with chocolate in addition to pins, needles, thread and scissors. I’ll add that to Snarkwife’s Holiday Shopping list for next year.

Awww…it’s all so warm and fuzzy…even by Snarkwife standards. Tradition is fun. Tradition is good. Fun is good.

As a postscript…remember that one package from my mom…the one Cookie kept scratching at? Turns out, it was pajamas for me. Cookie stuck her head into the empty box and rooted around for about thirty seconds. No matter what we told her, we’re pretty sure she was still convinced we’d hidden Grandma in there and were just not letting her out to be mean. Because, you know, we’re like that. We enjoy laughing at an aging blind poodle’s expense.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

You know how sometimes you’re sitting in front of your computer thinking, “I really want to post to my blog, but I have nothing to say”?

My good friend Dell gave me this slick book for Christmas - No One Cares What You Had for Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blog, and I am now thinking, “I really want to post to my blog, but I have way too many things to say.”

As bloggers (cue Meredith voiceover), we all experience blogblock from time to time, and I think this book will really be of benefit…and can do nothing but help jump-start stagnant creativity. At least I hope so, or else you’ll all be watching Cookie’s YouTube video o’ the day until Spring.

And in case you’re wondering, “Hawk this book” was not on the list of 100 ideas…although, that would have been great as #101.

In totally unrelated news…The O.C. did not disappoint…yet again…last night. The Area 51 New Rave’s Eve thing was a little odd, although I really did half-expect Seth’s cult-following to band together to chase down the Alien Martian Slut to get Summer’s purse back. If you haven’t seen the show…I’m sure that sounded quite strange.

My favorite scene though, was at the end. Jailbaitlyn’s poignant little dance with Bullett was a sweet reminder that little girls do need their dads - and Jimmy Cooper is still an ass for leaving Newport. Little boys don’t need their dads quite as much…as I’m sure we’ll find out in January when Papa Atwood (Kevin Sorbo…rrrrrrrow!) will likely engage in a poignant little fistdance with someone.

She’s still at it…

Some people overindulge in alcohol…others, drugs. Still others mask their pain and drown their sorrows by watching The Real World: Denver (that show would be way better if they’d stuck ‘em all in a snow cave instead of that sweet house).

Me? My new & dangerous vice is Fafarazzi. And sadly, I do think it is entirely possible to overdose on it.

Ironically, my vice is fed (i.e., my Fafarazzi scores skyrocket) when other people feed their vices.

By the way, I really, really, really need Philip Seymour Hoffman’s girlfriend to pop her baby out…that boy has been on my last three Fafarazzi teams and still no announcement. Maybe if I light a candle and chant…

We had some fun holiday drama last night here at Casa de Snark. Let me preface this by saying, Cookie and Daisy love, love, love my mom…Cookie, especially. My mom came down to Sacramento to visit me the day after I got Cookie (10 years and 7 days ago), so it would seem likely she’d have a pretty strong bond with her.

They spent lots of time with my mom when she lived here in Dallas for a few years, and now we only see Mom a couple times a year, but both dogs get eerily excited and giddy and they pace and growl and their ears perk up when I say the word, “Grandma.”

Last night, at…ahem…7:40 p.m., the UPS guy showed up to deliver Package 1 of 2 from my mom, with Christmas presents. We’re assuming Package 2 of 2 is CU’s box…since the first one had stuff for the dogs and three gifts for me…CU wasn’t that naughty this past year. Anyhoo, I unpacked the gifts and put them under the tree. Immediately, both Cookie and Daisy began sniffing one gift in particular like drug dogs in Miami who had hit the Colombian mother lode. Obviously, the paper must have smelled like Mom.

“Awww, how cute…I should get a video of this to send to Mom…would probably make her cry,” I said. Not more than sixty seconds after I said that, a fight broke out between Cookie and Daisy. A fight. Imagine the NBA brawl from last week…that’s pretty close to the level we had to break up. I almost started laughing though, when CU had contained Cookie, because her mouth was still going full-tilt, with full toothitude. I’m sure she was still growling smack at Daisy with some sort of “Bring it on!” action.

Speaking of full toothitude, CU’s arm came between Cookie and, I assume, what she thought was Daisy. You know those photos when people are bitten by a snake, and you see four distinct tooth marks? This was better, because there were only three…Cookie’s not quite as fierce since she had one of her fangs removed a couple of years ago.

After the altercation, we calmed everyone down…distracted them for a few minutes, then Cookie decided she was going to break Grandma out of Gift Jail. She kept scratching at the gift…and scratching…and scratching…willing us to release Grandma so she could kiss her to death. I finally did catch it on video, while talking to Mom and regaling her with stories about how her granddogs got into a raging pawfight over her.

Silly dogs. After about three more minutes of scratching, we finally distracted Cookie for good with a doggie treat. Food always trumps Grandma.

If you’re really hard up for a last-minute gift idea…teehee…

CU and I were at Lowe’s last night…seems now that we’re done with major home purchases, it was the perfect time for the wiring in our overhead kitchen light fixtures to wig out. Naturally.

Anyway, as we were walking out to the car, we noticed one of those ever-present “elevated police observation pods” - you know what I’m talking about, the things you now see at movie theaters and shopping malls…and apparently, Lowe’s - a veritable hotbed of criminal activity.

Funny thing though - the pod was empty. Or at least, I assume it was empty - there could have been an officer up there, or a young cadet and his hottie girlfriend…or even a litter of puppies…the window tinting made it sort of tough to see.

I suppose the tinting is supposed to give us, the unsuspecting public, the impression that there may or may not be some sort of gun-toting law enforcement official up there, so don’t commit a crime! I know it deterred us - we opted not to try to shove one of the gas grills on display in front of the store into the trunk of the Acura.

We also saw one at the movies last weekend…in the parking lot…at 10 a.m. on a Sunday morning. What do you think - was it manned?

Well, I’m back to walking, breathing and blogging amongst the living. Nothing some high octane drugs, wine tasting and time with CU couldn’t fix.

Mom called today at lunchtime and asked me if I was all ready for Christmas. I told her it was, but it was so warm outside that it hardly seemed very festive. This is usually when CU likes to regale me with stories about what Christmas was like in Hawaii…76 degrees with brief windward and mauka showers.

Uh…yeah…that’s why people like going there in December! Hee.

The best thing about the holidays this year, obviously, is having CU here, with me, on the correct side of the planet. He got an email from The Army, and it appears as though they’ve received his third resignation letter and are processing it. Ironically, he also got an email the same day letting him know the Major promotions board would be convening next Spring…and I guess he’s on the list.

I was sort of hoping I would be able to call him Major UberHusband (”I have a major uberhusband!”) at least once in an official capacity, but it looks like he is mere moments away from being permanently separated from the US Army…and has zero motivation to back out at this point. I don’t blame him - and besides, the acronym “MU” looks silly.

Hormonal. Back hurts.  Mood swinging.

Hoping Taylor, Ryan and The Ghost of Marissa Past will perk me up later.

Question: I heard that someone on Grey’s will get pregnant. Would you happen to know who?— Katie

Ausiello: Not sure about that, but I can tell you who’s getting engaged: George and Callie! Although no one within six degrees of Shonda Rhimes would confirm it (shocker!), one well-placed mole tells me that they’ll make the announcement during February sweeps. Now, why do you suppose George and Callie — who were still broken up in the last episode — would rush into marriage so quickly? Hmmm….

I’m going to unabashedly rip her off and ask the age-old, yet timely question…which Christmas song would you eliminate from the airwaves, television, commercials and the iTunes Music Store if you could?

For me…I’d obliterate everything from the Jessica Simpson Christmas Songbook. Generally, everyone sounds good singing Christmas carols - except her.

And on the flip side…which songs do you love? For me, it’s “Christmas Wrapping” by The Waitresses (so retro), Christina Aguilera’s version of “This Christmas” and Amy Grant’s “Grown-up Christmas List.”

This time last year, I was sitting around, twiddling my thumbs and waiting for the blasted holiday season to be over.

Because I wanted to ensure CU’s Christmas presents made it to him before he returned, I gave myself a deadline of the Monday after Thanksgiving to have everything bought, wrapped and shipped. While I was at it, I figured, why not do the same for everyone else?

And so I did…the Monday after Thanksgiving last year, everyone’s Christmas gifts were shipped - and if I recall, the Christmas cards went out December 1. That’s a pretty general thing for me - I like to get my cards done and out early. Because of all that, I had roughly a month with nothing to really do…and very little new television, to boot.

This year was a whole other ball of wax. I blame the Corporate Holiday Party, which ripped from my delicate little hands very valuable weekend time. We usually trim our tree and put up all the decorations the first weekend in December…but thought ahead and did all of that while Mom was here over Thanksgiving.

The cards have trickled out over the past few days…and all of the Christmas packages were finally UPS’d out yesterday. I’m waiting on one more gift for CU, then he’s done.

One guy I worked with was stunned and amazed I had “so much done so early.” Whaa?

Please tell me I’m not the only one out there who prefers to do all this earlier rather than later.

Another co-worker and I (the same one who watched along, in horror, as the Dunder Mifflin holiday sandwich reared it’s ugliness) came up with two new words, courtesy of typing too fast:

argree - You agree with someone, but you’re still fired up about the situation: “I argree with you, dancing like that at a holiday party was just downright tacky!”

sonfusing - When your male child has done something you find perplexing: “This is all so sonfusing, I don’t understand why he had to paint his bicycle pink.”

As usual, I encourage everyone to try to work these words into conversation today!

So…on How I Met Your Mother last night…was “bitch” the word Ted called Lily?

If so, why was the word disguised? They say “bitch” on TV all the time…don’t they?

Or, are we supposed to think maybe this group isn’t as white-bread as they’re portrayed…and Ted maybe said something a little less socially acceptable?

And…Two and a Half Men - funniest episode of the season, hands down. For a show that, IMO, has really been suffering this season…when you get all of the show’s characters into one house, you just can’t go wrong. Plus, I love that they keep bringing Candy back. Adore her.

We went to see The Holiday yesterday, and I was really disappointed. Geez, I hate saying that. I remember when we first saw the trailer a few months back…it looked like a fantastically fluffy, holiday romantic comedy…with Jack Black! How awesome would it be, I thought, to see Jack Black venture out into the romantic lead category with the super-fab Kate Winslet?

Having seen the movie, I’m sure it would have been great, had they given the guy more screen time and allowed him to do something other than be the same Jack Black we see in every movie. He’s starting to turn into Jim Carrey…you give a guy The Truman Show, then he gives you Bruce Almighty.

The premise is this - Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz, disillusioned with their lovelives and general state of things, swap houses for a couple of weeks around Christmas to recharge, re-energize and get away from the Mean Men In Their Lives. Before you even buy your popcorn you know they’re paired with Jack Black and Jude Law, so really…how can this possibly go wrong?

The one thing I do know about myself is I lean towards being a hopeless romantic (I cried at the end of The Lake House, for pete’s sake), so I was up for peppermint-crusted romance and fun. The unfortunate part about the movie was it over-emphasized the Cameron Diaz/Jude Law (Amanda/Graham) pairing and under-emphasized the Kate Winslet/Jack Black (Iris/Miles) coupling.

I can’t even call what Iris & Miles had a coupling…there weren’t really hints at any sort of significant interest until the end of the movie, but by that point I thought Iris would be better off with aging screenwriter Arthur Abbott.

Actually, when I saw what a weenie Miles was and how he allowed himself to totally be steamrolled by his actress “bad girl” girlfriend, I thought Iris would be better with Arthur or one of Arthur’s “Old Hollywood” cronies. Who knows…maybe test audiences just couldn’t hack watching Jack Black kiss anyone.

There’s also this subplot involving assumed-cad-about-town Graham not really being a cad-about-town but rather a lonely dad whose wife died two years ago. And of course, his girls absolutely adore Amanda, encouraging her to watch Dad make a fool of himself as Captain Napkin (or whatever it was), inviting her to their tented princess lair, and calling their family “The Three Musketeers” just like Amanda’s family did when she was young…all at the first meeting! Cue: awwwwwww!

And just like that…in a mere wisp of a moment, all of Amanda’s unresolved childhood issues and fears of commitment and inability to cry melt away like the snow in England seemed to do about ten times during her two weeks there. I may be a romantic, but I’m a pragmatic romantic.

Nancy Meyers, I loved Something’s Gotta Give, and I loved What Women Want. I really wanted to love this movie, too.  There were some really cute moments (Amanda’s problems playing out in movie-trailer fashion come to mind), but I can’t recommend it.

Oh, for crying out loud.

BELLMEAD- A four-year-old hugged his teachers aide and was put into in-school suspension, according to the father. But La Vega school administrators have a different story.

Damarcus Blackwell’s four-year-old son was lining-up to get on the bus after school last month, when he was accused of rubbing his face in the chest of a female employee.

The prinicipal of La Vega Primary School sent a letter to the Blackwells that said the pre-kindergartener demonstrated “inappropriate physical behavior interpreted as sexual contact and/or sexual harassment.”

If that teachers aide, or the principal of La Vega Primary School, seriously and honestly interpreted what that little boy did as “sexual contact and/or sexual harassment”…maybe they’re the ones who need to be put on some sort of in-school suspension.

Because you know, it takes a pretty sick adult to chalk up a little kid’s demonstration of affection as sexual. That would be more concerning to me than anything the child did.

Stupid people really piss me off…and it is truly frightening they’re allowed to wander around unchecked in society.

Let’s play a game…since it’s Friday, and I still have 23 Mad Libs-a-day on my 2006 calendar. Post your “word” in the comments section…in order. So, if you’re the first one to comment, give a Celebrity name…and so forth. Once we’re done, I’ll post the story.

CU provided the last word (as always, heh), so here we go…

Good Excuses

Dear Math Teacher,

I was driving Kevin Federline/Patrick Dempsey to school when the shoes failed and my car crashed into a kidney. By the time the tow bamboo arrived and the gnarly mechanic skipped the coffee, he/she had missed your festering class.

Good work! What do you say? Want to get together and do this again sometime?

HOLIDAY SUPER CRUISING MISSION #10
December 8th

Your mission for today is to wrap and decorate!!! Set your timer for 15 minutes and see how many packages you can get wrapped! Have fun and enjoy this! Put on some Holiday music and get into the spirit of the season.

For an added bonus mission, set your timer for another 15 minutes and set out some of the Holiday decorations that you have not gotten up yet and/or set your holiday cards that you have received out for display.

We are having fun this season by FLYing 15 minutes at a time!!!

Fly Lady must be on some serious meth this season…it is physiologically impossible for me to have fun while doing something for 15 minutes with a timer ticking in the background. I spent half an hour wrapping CU’s presents yesterday, and just about burst into tears because I couldn’t get my ribbon into the right kind of bow…and I didn’t even have a timer.

Grey’s Anatomy is a repeat tonight, so why not wander over to Fox and watch The O.C.? It’s new…and it’s a lot of fun. I promise.

I’m the first one to bash a show when it (a) sucks or (b) is starting to suck…and The O.C., if for no other reason than the brilliant matching of Ryan and Taylor “I like Korean guys and school administrators” Townsend, has managed to…well, I don’t know what the opposite of jumping the shark would be.

For those of you who were turned off by how lame the show got last season, it’s better this year. Jailbaitlyn, who speaks exactly like how you would imagine a 25 year-old writer would imagine a 15 year-old would speak, is a hoot, too.

Give it a shot…what else do you have to do…wrap Christmas presents? Eh…you still have 18 days.

This is truly what some kids need this holiday season…an evening in the slammer.

COLUMBIA, South Carolina (AP) — A fed-up mother had her 12-year-old son arrested for allegedly rummaging through his great-grandmother’s things and playing with his Christmas present early.

The mother called police Sunday after learning her son had disobeyed orders and repeatedly taken a Game Boy from its hiding place at his great-grandmother’s house next door and played it.

He was arrested on petty larceny charges, taken to the police station in handcuffs and held until his mother picked him up after church.

“My grandmother went out of her way to lay away a toy and paid on this thing for months,” said the boy’s mother, Brandi Ervin. “It was only to teach my son a lesson. He’s been going through life doing things … and getting away with it.”

Police did not release the boy’s name.

The mother said that her son was found in the last year to have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, but that his medicine does not seem to help.

Couldn’t be the kid is just a brat with no boundaries and no respect for anything or anyone (in which case, Mom’s presents should be confiscated, too)…nooooooo…we have to put the ADHD spin on it.

There’s something inherently sexy and hip about blowing your knee out playing soccer…not so much when you do it changing out baseboards.

I’ve had some rather significant knee pain since CU and I switched out the baseboards…and it looks like all the bending and time spent on my knees during that project resulted in a “highly likely” meniscus tear. Isn’t that just great? It only really hurts when I get up after sitting for a long time; for example, after 2-hour trips to the airport or 3-hour flights to and from Florida.

The x-rays didn’t reveal anything, but a rather thorough manipulation of my knee and a rather embarrassing attempt to balance on the bad knee gave The Fabulous Dr. Morgan a pretty good idea of the problem. The next step is physical therapy, and getting my lazy butt back on the bike at the gym… and then if things don’t improve in three weeks, I’ll go in for an MRI.

The Fabulous Dr. Morgan capped off our visit today by recommending CU and I replace the crown molding as our next project, so I can tear my rotator cuff. Smart ass.  No one told me I’d be treated to a comedy performance as part of my $20 co-pay.

It’s like a holiday Mad Lib…

‘Twas the night before Sunday, and all through the hotel,
I thought, “I don’t want to go to this party…it’s gonna be hell.”
The open bar was stocked with the finest of liquors,
In hopes that would result in plenty of snickers.

The employees were nestled all snug at each table,
While I wondered to myself, what was showing tonight on cable.
And CU in his slacks, and I in my silk sweater,
Had just settled down, to take in the show much better.

When out on the dance floor there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.
Away to my camera I flew, activating the flash,
Hit the Power button and zoomed, oh this photo would garner some cash!

The beam of the strobe light, the thump of the bass,
Gave way to a scene exhibiting shockingly little grace.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Dunder-Mifflin sandwich…co-workers grinding, peer-on-peer!

(more…)

We’re back from our whirlwind trip to Delray Beach, Florida - flew out at 8 a.m. yesterday, and were back in Dallas at 12:30 today. We’re beat, and as much as I hate to admit it…I…had…wait for it…a good time.

I’ll post a couple of photos tomorrow, and provide some post-game commentary. I now have a few new stories to tuck away into my arsenal of holiday party anecdotes…one of which is directly related to this post’s title.

Well folks, we’re down to the home stretch…only a mere 24 days until Christmas. We’re all adults here, and as adults we know sometimes our, ahem, romantic relationships need a little extra…kick. What better gift to give than the gift of spicy ginger, partnered with the odd hilarity of cookies having sex!

I don’t know what else to really say, because I’m still laughing at the book’s cover photo, so I’ll let the good people at Drugstore.com do the work for me:

“Where imaginations are fertile, love will never grow stale, nor crumble.”

Birds do it, bees do it. And guess what - cookies do it, too. In fact, never have a pair of gingerbread cookies looked so pleased. Yes, the “Kama Sutra” meets the “Joy of Cooking”. Featuring an unabashed gingerbread couple, who are photographed in unflinching full color, the Cookie Sutra is a recipe for pleasure.

There is The First Posture, where two are yoked as one (yet the calorie count remains unchanged). The Pair of Tongs, allowing the woman to be open, free, sweet and crunchy. Pounding the Spot, requiring the suppleness of freshly rolled dough. There is Scissors, Autumn Dog, Tripod, The Wheelbarrow, The Snake Trap. And, for the advanced and adventurous, The Suspended Congress - great care must be taken lest the cookies crumble.

I heart the holidays…

It’s really cold outside…really…cold. A few days ago, when Arctic Blast ‘06 started showing up on forecasts, all of the local weathermen down here pulled out their dictionaries so they could come up with clever alliterative phrases like, “Canadian Crusher”. CU offered up The Connecticut Clipper, but I told him the storm was coming from the other corner of the country, and Connecticut Clipper sounded like a cruise ship.

Other names we batted back and forth…Canadian Combine, Alliterative Alaskan Arcticitdy, Snarky Snowstorm…and Captain Thundersleet and the Sorcerer’s Stone.

Allow me to post some visual aids…yesterday afternoon:

And this morning:

Other than the Saskatchewanian Suicide Snow Mission, nothing to really report. I think today is one of those non-blog days, unless any of you want to tell me what exactly “festive holiday attire” is. We just received a communique from the mothership in Florida, and the attire for this weekend’s party has been changed from “cocktail attire” to “festive holiday attire.”

I so badly want to wear a Christmas sweater with those pompom snowball thingies now.

Office holiday parties are really, really strange. I have fond memories of my office party deflowering, when I was in college. One of my co-workers hit on the president of the company, then threw up all over the dance floor. Ah, good times. I suspect this is why they didn’t invite the temps the next year.

Over the years, I learned that “cocktail attire” means different things to different people at an office party. When I worked in California, we had people show up in Wranglers and plaid shirts, complaining they shouldn’t be expected to buy “fancy clothes” because they didn’t make enough money. Another year, one of the administrative assistants showed up dressed like a Love Boat spokesmodel.

You know that general piece of advice about how you shouldn’t get totally drunk at the holiday party? I had managers and directors who didn’t get that memo.

(more…)

Seriously, I have lost all sense of time and place over the last few days, what with the holiday and my husband and mom being around more than they usually are.

I knew it wasn’t a weekend though, because Northpark was a veritable ghost town when we went there today.

I have to ask…if any of you out there have ever worked retail, why would you act all suck-uppy and helpful out on the floor, but once you’ve gotten me tucked into a dressing room and I’m standing there in various stages of undress, never bother to come back to check on me? I walked out of three stores today with nothing, specifically because the salesgirls sucked. Don’t say, “My name is Lola, should you need anything,” then disappear for ten minutes…because nothing bugs me more than having to put all my clothes back on just to walk four feet to yell, “HEY LOLA - DO YOU HAVE THESE TWEED PANTS IN A TWELVE PETITE?”

I wasn’t mean to anyone, and I wasn’t snitty…until I had this same experience at Ann Taylor, Ann Taylor Loft and J.Jill. Snarkwife’s still in bed, recovering from too much wine and too much stuffing on Thanksgiving, so I know she wasn’t responsible for giving anyone the evil eye before it was due. I was just looking for a top and some pants to wear to my company holiday party this weekend. Sniff.

In good shopping news though, CU had his very own shopping stalker at Brooks Brothers - his salesperson followed him around like a giddy puppy, and was more than happy to help him check out after he’d selected a rugby shirt. We’re planning on going back in a couple of weeks to pick this up for my sister-in-law, because nothing says “I love you” at Christmastime like unsolicited parenting advice.

As my preliminary holiday gift to you, I will share with you what our server at P.F. Chang’s said to us as we were finishing up lunch:

“You know what song has been going through my head all day? The theme song from Sanford & Son.”

And by the way, no one had the pants in a twelve petite…not even P.F. Chang’s.

Invariably, when I post something like this I get a comment from someone who says, “At least it’s not 21 degrees where you are…” or, “That’s not cold!” I understand this. I lived in Wisconsin as a child.

For me though, a high of 41 degrees is cold.

Update:

Well, the poo hit the fan last night on Grey’s Anatomy, in what I would say was the least festive episode of the show ever. The events which unfolded were reminiscient of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. It certainly wasn’t last Thanksgiving’s warm & fuzzy “They Call Me PRESTON Burke” show.

Everything went wrong, everyone was betrayed, Izzie couldn’t seem to keep her big mouth shut (which part of Bailey’s instructions are unclear?), Addison & Alex shared a really weird flirtation and Cristina finally came clean on the 3,547 unethical things she and Burke have done since he was cleared for surgery. Funny, I think if the two of them actually robbed a bank, that would still wind up being the least of their problems.

All we needed was Mrs. Chief to show up, hands on hips, exclaiming, “Where’s the turkey, Chuck? Where’s the mashed potatoes?”

And is it just me, or is every woman on that show contractually obligated to have fantastic hair? All we saw of Dr. Hahn last season was her competitive, big mouth and a variety of surgical caps during Iron Surgeon: America (”Welcome to Surgery Stadium! The Chairman has decided today’s secret surgery is…cardiomyopicardoditisectomy!” ) last season then all of a sudden…she has flowing, wavy hair and is spouting off wisdom to Cristina while Blackberrying something back to the mother ship. Huh?

I do have a serious question…for you fellow eagle-eye viewers…when Cristina showed up at Burke’s apartment at the end, before he slammed the door in her face, I saw a framed photo of a blonde on a nightstand…who was that? It kinda…sorta…looked like…Dr. Hahn. That would be perfect - Johns Hopkins arch-rivals by day, bedmates by night.

My punchline: Because some numbnut doesn’t know how to park, and took up both of the remaining parking spaces.
The real punchline: Because it was the chicken’s day off.

Well, the wheels are in motion for Thanksgiving…the food is bought, the guest bedroom has been upgraded, a pie and a cake will be going into the oven tonight…and Mama Snark will be here tomorrow afternoon.

As if things couldn’t get any better, we’re pulling the shorts back out since it’s supposed to be eighty degrees. Yahoo.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours…maybe I can talk Mama Snark into providing a little input into Friday’s edition of Audiosnarking.

CU and I are huge fans of How I Met Your Mother - it’s definitely on our “must watch when it originally airs” list.

Last night’s episode centered around this “big secret” Robin had, which resulted in a serious aversion to malls. Barney thought she was involved in porn…wait for it…ography (what that had to do with malls, I still don’t know), whereas Marshall thought she got married at a mall in Canada at a young age and was still married…and Lily was the Slap Bet Commissioner…guess you had to be there.

Anyway, turns out Robin’s big secret was…wait for it…she was a Canadian teen pop star. No joke. Robin Sparkles was a cross between Debbie Gibson and Alanis Morissette on You Can’t Do That On Television…with a little Degrassi Junior High thrown in for good measure.

Her video was fantastic, and I aboot spit out my wine when I saw a Benetton store in the background. A little Esprit, and it would have been retro nostalgia nirvana. At one point I told CU that, based on Robin’s clothes and hair and the pop-y music, there was no way Robin was in her late twenties…she’d have to be closer to my age. Within about thirty seconds of me saying that, Marshall asks Robin why, if the video was made in the mid-90s, does it look like 1987? I swear, it’s like, I think it…and they say it. You’d be amazed how often that happens. Robin replies that the Eighties came late to Canada…love that.

If you want to see something truly hilarious, check out the Official Robin Sparkles MySpace Page to see her breakthrough video, “Let’s Go To The Mall” in it’s entirety.

Best episode of the season, slappy hands down.

Look! Rachael Ray has a holiday CD!

It includes such hits as:

• I Saw Mommy Kissing Paula Deen
  
• All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Santoku Knives
• Bacon-Wrapped Christmas
• Jingle Sammies
• Giada, Did You Know?
• The Thirty Minutes of Christmas

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Me and Dell

Originally uploaded by snarkwife.

CU and I had such a great time at the Mavs game last night and it was fantastic seeing Dell, since we hadn’t seen each other in nearly a year and a half.

It’s one thing to email and instant message each other, but it’s always fun to actually be able to interact. Wine and the dessert cart were added plusses!

Thanks for sharing my birthday with me…and now…I can put up my holiday theme, as the holidays have officially begun! The tree must wait until next weekend, though. Mom will be here to help with that…those should be some sweet photos, as we negotiate with our new 9′ artificial tree.

Ugh…is it my birthday again already? I really can’t complain too much, though - I have my health, a sexy husband (who’s actually around this year) and disturbingly cute doggies.

What else could a girl want except, maybe, tickets to CU’s company’s suite to see the Mavericks play tonight…oh, wait…got those too. Hee.

Here’s the big question - at what age does ’snarky’ become just ‘old and cranky’? 37?

For all you aficionados of The Office out there…how utterly painful was last night’s episode to watch? My heart literally ached when Michael had everyone go outside and instead of Jim stopping at Pam’s desk to walk out with her, he walked out with Karen. Karen! Abbondanza! Just a weird and awkward episode - Jim and Pam sitting at the table in the conference room, but then he turns around so Karen can give him a stick of gum. Jim can’t get together for coffee because he’s “still unpacking”…but then makes a date with Karen.

Sure he was honest with Pam…and to be fair, she’s the one who sort of nipped whatever they may have eventually had in the bud…but the worst part…the worst part…is I like both Pam and Karen. GAH! It’s like watching Rachel and Ross and Emily and Julie and Mona.

Favorite line of the night - Karen saying, “Who’s Bob Vance?” and Phyllis snottily replying, “You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie.”

As far as the state of everyone at Seattle Grace…we’re back to dark and twisty…well, except for Izzie and Alex. Izzie and Alex entertain themselves by talking in the third person. Stacy thinks that’s very funny.

Sam’s First Christmas

Originally uploaded by snarkwife.

You get a picture of my 4-month old nephew. Isn’t he just scrumptious?

Thanks, Kristen.

Originally uploaded by snarkwife.

There are two sides to my personality - the Snarkwife side, and the Stacy side. Sometimes they struggle, because Snarkwife thinks Stacy can be a real stick-in-the-mud, and Stacy thinks Snarkwife needs to exercise a little restraint and cut stupid people some slack because really, they can’t help the way they are. Allow me to share an example.

As today is the third Thursday in November, I drove to our local World Market at lunch to buy my holiday supply of Beaujolais Nouveau. This is always a festive time, especially since she and I plan on doing a virtual wine tasting as soon as she can get her supply. So, I’m hobbling around World Market with my 6 bottles in my wine carrier and get in line to pay. There’s a woman in front of me who is buying just about every cake, cookie and salty chip-type product that could fit into her cart, and behind me is a woman with a candy bar. One candy bar.

Now, I’m used to the particular checkout woman working today, because whenever I show up with one of the 800 coupons World Market sends me, she always acts befuddled, like this is the first time anyone has brought a 40%-off coupon for her to process. Maybe she needs to get on her own company’s email newsletter list. Weird.

Anyway, the line starts to grow, so she calls for backup. No one responds to her intercom plea for help, and she leaves and goes to the back - I assume, to kick someone’s ass for leaving her alone with the impatient, toe-tapping lunchtime crowd. While she’s gone, Ms. Low-Carb in front of me attempts small talk by looking at me and saying, “That’s a lot of wine.”

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So, I guess Emmitt Smith’s “Please Leprechaun Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em” gimmick worked, because he was crowned the Dancing With The Stars champion last night, joining an exclusive club which also boasts Drew Lachey and Kelly Monaco. Impressive company, indeed.

While I do agree that Emmitt may be the “nicer” guy, or the “cuter” guy, or just more “the guy” than Mario Lopez…Mario was clearly the superior dancer. But, as I’m sure we can all agree, America doesn’t always go for “best.” I did feel bad for Karina, though. The expression on her face after finding out she and Mario didn’t win fell somewhere between getting ready to cry and an primal need to tackle Emmitt to the ground and tear the tin foil trophy out of Two-Time Champion Cheryl Burke’s hands. It really was sad.

We also watched Day Break…all two hours of it or, three iterations of the same day. For those of you used to watching 24, it lasted…two hours. For those of you who watch Lost, it lasted six days. We enjoyed it - but I have to say, it’s hard on me to watch Taye Diggs get the crap kicked out of him and get shot over and over and over and over. Nevertheless, I will be more than happy to watch the show for an hour a week, because I need to know that he and Rita will live long enough to exact revenge on Rita’s ex.

Oh - that “Lost Nugget” we’re promised every episode of Day Break until Lost returns in February? What a disappointment…all we saw was Charlie yelling at Desmond. How come folks like Eko have to die, but we’re still stuck with Charlie?

I remember back when I started blogging…I had a tough time getting motivated because I wasn’t a huge fan of how my blog looked. It just wasn’t inspirational, you know? Didn’t make my blood flow with snarkiness.

Things were headed that way again, so I decided to get myself an early birthday present, to tide me over while I learned the fine art of CSS (turns out I just needed this, but anyhoo… ). I sent an email to Peggy over at Ciao! My Bella! and baddaboom baddabing…here we are. I also have a holiday theme, but I won’t be rolling that out until a more appropriate time. Like I’ve always said, the earliest I can officially recognize the holidays is the day after my birthday.

So, things will probably change a bit around here while I install some extra plug-ins and try not to break what Peggy has built.

Go Mario!

I have to talk about Dancing With The Stars for a second because gosh, I don’t know who I want to win. It was easy last season. This season, I love Emmitt, but I think Mario is the better dancer. And, I had to agree with Adelle when she IM’d me that Emmitt’s green shoes were definitely a fashion don’t.

My grandma and aunt are rooting for Emmitt…I think I’m going to have to go with Mario. Maybe if he wins, he’ll get a whole week named after him in Chula Vista and I can finally get the Fafarazzi points I’ve been waiting for, when he and Karina go public.

And lucky me, I am officially “laid up.” My toe is most definitely sprained and fortunately, I don’t have to drive anywhere today. I have my trusty nursemaid Cookie literally at my side, and Daisy is laying under the coffee table, licking her paw. She must be on a break.

I think I sprained the middle toe on my right foot. Too bad I can’t file for workers’ comp, since I was on my way into my office to get a phone call when the “incident” occurred. That sounds better than, “I was on my way into my office to check my Fafarazzi score.”

The wind was so knocked out of me that I dropped my MacBook, which I was also transporting back into my office. Ironically, before I checked my toe, I checked to make sure my laptop still worked. Priorities, you know.

Also…you know you’ve successfully re-entered the blogosphere when the spam starts coming in. Fortunately, Akismet is catching it all…so far. I’ve missed you, Mr. Insurance.

Looks like I have another slot available now in my weekly TV schedule…

milk in a wine glass
the devil wears gabrielle
desperate hausfrau

lock up your daughters
it’s not like my boobs were out
didn’t bring a shirt

mommy, were you shot?
new show next season, the eight
fight with a hobo

designing woman
disinfectant, lime jello
break bread, who says that?

grounded forever
cookies, lemonade perhaps?
bad cop, not so bad

don’t lie to me, prune
might want to clean off that wrench
sexy leather boots

Jeopardy! - Celebrity Island kicked off this past Wednesday, and to say it has been entertaining thus far would be a gross understatement. Here’s the premise: three celebrities (of varying degrees of fame) come on stage and play the game. The winner gets $50k for his or her chosen charity; the two others get $25k for their charities…so overall, it’s a win-win and philanthropy saves the day.

CU asked that I tape the shows, so we could watch them in the evening. The great thing about Jeopardy! is if you fast-forward through the commercials and skip over the inane chit-chat, you can blow through the whole thing in about 17 minutes. Perfect for those evenings when you don’t have any half-hour comedies left in the DVR, but you can’t quite sit down for a whole episode of Studio 60.

Wednesday’s episode was a hoot. The three players were Carson Kressley, Nancy Grace and Regis Philbin. Overall impressions…Carson’s infinitely more intelligent than you’d think given his on-screen persona, Nancy seems thinner behind a large desk and Regis can’t seem to dial down his on-screen persona for a mere 21 minutes. We were laughing at how absurdly simple the questions were to which CU added, “Well, it is ‘celebrity’ Jeopardy!”

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Wooooweee it’s chilly this morning!

When I got up, I started up the fireplace (love saying that, given the memories of how it took 2 hours to get a fire going when I was a kid) and reflected for about a minute about how I used to be scared to death of lighting the gas logs in a fireplace.

When Mom lived down here near me and before I had met CU, I’d pack up the doggies and we’d go to Grandma’s for a slumber party. She has a gas fireplace and would ask me if I wanted to turn it on (obviously, during the winter)…I always declined, because the thing terrified me. What if when the lighter hit the gas, the whole house exploded?

That’s the kind of glass-half-empty person I am…I also think if I’m on a plane and we have too much luggage, when the plane tries to take off everything will slide to the back and the plane’s backend will drag along on the tarmac and we’ll wind up crashing or at least totally scraping up the underside.

Anyway, when I turned on the fireplace without really giving it a second thought, I realized I had conquered that fear. Once in awhile, it will give me a particularly impressive WHOOOOOOOOOOSH which makes me jump back a few inches but for the most part, that “fear of the unknown” has passed, which is good. Got me to thinking about other things I’ve feared in my life, and whether or not I’ve conquered them - and what helped me to conquer them.

So here’s a list…in no particular order. Feel free to add your own conquered fears in the comments, or in your own blog.

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We have a very exciting weekend planned…I have a nail appointment, then we’re hitting Williams-Sonoma for some holiday non-essentials, World Market to use our surprise 25% off coupon, buy a down comforter and then buy a new bed! YAY!

OH - we’re also going to Lowe’s and/or Home Depot to partake in the 10% discount for all military personnel this holiday weekend. I swear, I’m all about the discounts.

Then…we might partake in a little wine-tasting...and since it’s actually verging on, dare I say it, chilly today…I think I’ll also finalize the Thanksgiving menu. Did I mention my mom is coming down for a few days?

I’d also like to go to the movies…and as much as I hate to say it, it’s time to finalize my Christmas shopping lists. I remember last year, because I had to have CU’s presents shipped out so early, everyone else’s gifts were mailed out the Monday after Thanksgiving. It was great as far as reducing stress during December, but ironically, it also gave me absolutely nothing to do the entire month of December.

And, I guess I will be catering to Mr. Veterans Day.

Anyhoo…what are you all doing this weekend?

Update:  Our new bed is being delivered on November 24…a good 6-8 weeks ahead of schedule!  I’m thrilled because (a), this means we’ll only have to sleep on a mattress on the floor for a week, (b), Mom will be here to see it and (c) - we’re getting a new bed!  YAY! 

It’s amazing what you can do when you sit down with a cup of coffee and actually take the time to crank out a post about the previous night’s television. Feels good. I should do this more often.

Peek inside for Grey’s and The Office.

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As of today, Capt. UberHusband has been home from his “semesters abroad” in Iraq for six months. Six months. It seems now like he never left, which sounds as strange as it feels. Well, I shouldn’t say it seems like he never left. The other night on TV they showed that MasterCard commercial with the cute animated house and the “Turkey dinner with all the trimmings - $76; A full house - priceless” copy, and I oohed and aahed over how much I like that commercial. CU said he’d never seen it. Whoops - forgot he wasn’t here last holiday season.

Anyhoo, this seemed like a good time to tell you the story of his homecoming, since I hadn’t made it out of my blog funk yet at that point and was still on hiatus.

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I haven’t talked much about Lost this season - like so many returning shows, I’ve had a tough time getting back into it. I know, I know - there are those of you out there who think it’s the BEST SEASON EVER! and all that, or, you think the show keeps jumping the same shark and are sort of hoping The O.C. will start slapping it around a bit on Wednesday nights.

Nevertheless, as last night’s ep was the last new one until…gulp…February, I figured it was time to chime in with my thoughts:

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