I read a couple of days ago that you need to devote one hour a day to creativity to keep those juices flowing. I realized several months ago, I quit nurturing my inner snark and have vowed to get back into gear.

I always kind of feel like a broken, defensive record when I say this, but just because I don’t have kids and I have never felt the biological tick-tock to Create Life with CU, I don’t hate parents and children with some sort of out-of-control, three-eyed hysteria.

I really don’t.

As a matter of fact, some of my favorite people are moms…like my mom, for example. She’s a mom and she’s pretty cool. My Grandma is pretty cool, too - and one of my best girlfriends, Ali, happens to be a mom. Of course, they’re Old School Moms - not those moms of today who are…well…like this chick.

I just don’t get moms who seem to forget they’re grown adults. You can be a mom and be an adult…I’ve seen the proof, so I know it’s possible.

For some reason, The Dallas Morning News insists on giving moms like this an unbelievably large chunk of print space on a consistent basis, to be as ooey gooey precious as their thesauruses will let them. Between these articles, the ones chastising us mean people for not embracing illegal immigrants with outstretched arms and the ones from teachers complaining about how they can only afford $200,000 houses on their puny salaries, it’s no wonder CU and I have picked up a subscription to the New York Times as a much-needed supplement.

So, all in good fun, I provide my version of the article:

You might not be a mom if …

1. You don’t stop children whom you don’t know in grocery stores, malls or hardware stores and tell them to stop running, climbing and screaming. As much as you’d like to, you don’t put them in timeout in the produce section because really, why punish the people in the produce section, too? They didn’t do anything wrong.

2. You don’t cut your co-workers’ meat at lunch, fix their shirt collars or put a little spit on your finger to wipe a smudge off someone’s face. You don’t do these things because they’re condescending, annoying as Hell and unhygenic. Yuck. Keep your spittle away from me. I don’t know where your mouth has been.

3. You don’t remind your sister, co- worker, boss (or other responsible adult) about keys, wallets, purses or important papers before leaving the house or office because you assume they’re adults, not children, and can remember these things themselves without your arrogant interference.

4. You don’t find yourself stacking the dishes at your table in a restaurant. When the waitress comes to your table, you don’t hand her all the plates because she has a system that works for her and there’s no need to shove your personal routine on her. You don’t go to the busboy center to retrieve extra napkins, silverware or ketchup because again, they have a system that works for them and you’re respectful of that.

5. You don’t accidentally call your co-worker “honey,” “sweetie,” “angel” or some other endearment over the cubicle wall during a moment of daydreaming because you’re aware the world doesn’t revolve around you. And besides, you’re at work!

6. You can be overheard talking to yourself as you go about your daily errands. You repeat everything on your to-do list to perfect strangers. “I need to run to the dry cleaners and then get the band instrument repaired, then buy some milk and bread at the store.” Don’t you notice that people are staring at you? Okay, I left this one alone, because I don’t think this behavior is limited to moms. During a particularly stressful day, I would probably try to get a band instrument repaired, even though I don’t play one.

7. You don’t sprinkle your conversations with momspeak. You don’t say to your business lunch associates: “Excuse me. I have to go to the potty” because if you do, your boss will likely ask you to clear out your desk and be gone at the end of the day. At the end of a busy evening with friends, you don’t exclaim, “I need to go home and go night-night,” because that sounds stupid.

8. You finally get the chance for a night out with your husband or a friend and you can’t stop talking about your dogs…or your job…or the crisis in the Middle East…or how much better Dish Network is than cable.

9. You are always prepared like a Boy Scout when you leave the house. You don’t know the meaning of traveling light. You never leave the house without an extra jacket, an umbrella, Kleenex, allergy medicine, maps, etc. You are always ready for any emergency. Again, I left this one alone. You don’t have to be a mom to be well-prepared. I tend to skip the umbrella though, in case it actually looks like it will rain, and I forego the map when I drive to the mall.

10. You whip out your wallet at the slightest provocation and show total strangers the latest pictures of your dogs. “This is Cookie with her stuffed cow. This is Daisy playing ball in the backyard. Aren’t they cute?”