So I was driving home from lunch with CU today, and I stopped at a red light. I’m in the middle lane.

To the right of me, a tiny woman in a Ford F-350. I swear, she had to have blocks on to reach the pedals - or her upper body was a deceiving representation of the rest of her frame.

To the left of me, an extremely large man - over 6′ tall, over 300 lbs. - in a Mini Cooper.

At that point, I felt very driver/car proportionate in my Jeep.

Made me laugh.

Sheesh…Thursday nights are really tough.

What I watched:
Ugly Betty
Grey’s Anatomy
ER

What I watched during commercials of other shows:
Survivor (You’re a real visionary, Mark Burnett - your social experiment lasted two whole episodes!)
Celebrity Duets (What, no more Jai Rodriguez?)

What I recorded:
My Name Is Earl
The Office
Six Degrees
Shark

(more…)

I’ve mentioned previously how CU and I have become big fans of Project Runway. Despite Bravo’s re-running of every episode of season 3 about 900 times thus far, episodes before the infamous “that outfit is literally garbage” have eluded us. I’ll find them gosh darnit, I will!

Last night’s new episode, brought head scratching to a new level. From Michael’s “No really, this is a dress worthy of Fashion Week” last-ditch attempt to Laura’s {yawn} classic-lined dress…to Uli’s {yawn} print dress (but it’s short! and sassy! and fresh!) nothing could top the shock and awe of this week’s guest judge being…the fashion editor for The Wall Street Journal.

Huh?

Isn’t that kind of like being the food editor for The Economist?

I used to get The Wall Street Journal delivered to my hotel room daily when I was traveling for business…don’t really remember reading about fashion. Maybe it’s because I was too busy looking at all the pretty colors and graphics associated with today’s weather in USA Today.

As much as I love Project Runway, I’m kind of ready for it to end. It makes me feel so totally uncool and unhip and uncreative and unclever. I blame Heidi Klum.

So, I don’t know how many of you out there are Windows-to-Mac converts, but it is a very strange transition, indeed. It’s one thing to have a new laptop to replace my old HP (bless it’s heart), but quite another to have a totally different operating system. Pretty much everything on the screen is completely foreign…except for iTunes.

At first I was likening the process to getting a new puppy when you already have a couple of adult dogs. You have a few years of experience under your belts, and they’re all pretty much the same, save a few temperament quirks. Just go back to the basics, right? Kind of like riding a bike.

Then, I realized it’s more like getting an iguana when all of your previous pets have been dogs. The iguana looks different, communicates differently and most noticeably, does not have a right mouse button wagging tail. But, the iguana doesn’t get all wiggy if you make the slightest change to your daily routine…it just seeks out the heat lamp and rides the wave, as it were.

The good news is, CU and I are now past the point where we just stand here and look at McDreamyMac (sounds like a new product from Kraft), or poke at it to see how it will react. Will it whip it’s head around and snarl, or will it make googly noises and ask for more love? So far, nothing but love.

CU is a big fan of Garage Band…especially one of the southern rock guitar riffs. Now he thinks he’s the next David Silver. We’ll keep you all apprised of future tour dates.

gaby, too much tan
modify your nouns, damn it!
closet sandwiches

big o, new for bree
red wine vinegar, white hot
orson no, indeed!

love child mom must go
photo shop her out later
cups overfloweth

strawberry smoothie
spray-n-wash, the stain buster
really, just dinner

alma gone, clean floor
sign says call before you dig
pro shop coming soon

First things first…a moment of silence.

R.I.P. - 4/2004 - 9/2006

Denny Duquette My work laptop went into cardiac arrest yesterday at 11:44 a.m.

After spending far too many hours trying to resuscitate it, Dr. McUberHusband and I declared it officially dead this morning, then gutted it to save my files on the hard drive.

We mourned it’s death for about half an hour, then headed out to the Apple Store. Enough was enough. Two of my co-workers have been breathing down my neck for the last two years, and making fun of me when I relate my Windows Woes, so now I am one of the converts.

The sale almost didn’t happen though, because Pushy Salesguy spoke almost exclusively to CU, even after we explicitly told him the computer was for me and my job. That did not sit well with me. After Pushy Salesguy’s completely unconvincing pitch of how I could create a kick-ass presentation with iMovie, then fly off to Los Angeles with the presentation conveniently downloaded to my iPod, my eyes glazed over and then rolled back into my head. Ugh.

One hour, a stroll through the Dillards furniture department and a banana coconut frappucino later, we went back to the store and I became the proud owner of a new MacBook Pro. Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy Anniversary and Happy Valentine’s Day to me!

Hee…it’s really pretty…and it has a lighted keyboard…and the sounds are much friendlier than I’m used to. Typing my thoughts right now, I kinda feel like Carrie Bradshaw.

Oh…I’ve upgraded to the Blogger Beta so if you can’t post a comment, try posting as “Other.” From what I understand, this is a known beta issue…and I’m not begging for comments by saying that…really, I’m not.

‘Tis ragweed season, boys and girls.

I managed to postpone the annual misery by traveling 3,500 miles away from the pollen at the beginning of the month. In theory, this was a great plan, since I thought I could outwit the Clever Ragweed Pollen by disappearing for a week but alas, it was not to be a long-term success.

The good news is, since I started allergy shots a couple of months ago I should be in much better shape next year.

The bad news is…my node id duffed up now. Bah.

CU watched his second episode last night of Dancing With The Stars. I didn’t think he was reacting appropriately enough (come on, who reads Food & Wine when you can watch the quick step?), so I dragged him back to the office and made him watch not one, but two Drew Lachey/Cheryl Burke YouTube performance videos…”WATCH HOW HIS SHOULDERS ARE UP, THE JUDGES GOT ALL OVER HIM FOR THAT LAST YEAR…AND THEY LOOK LIKE THEY’RE HAVING A GREAT TIME, LOOK…IT’S THE SAME MOVES FROM THE THRILLER VIDEO…WOW…AREN’T THE TWO OF THEM AMAZING TOGETHER? HUH, HUH, HUH????”

When I still wasn’t getting the desired feedback, I called my mom. I suspect it was when CU and I were back in the office that the Clever Ragweed Pollen snuck into the house and buried itself into our couch.

So, I read yesterday over at Grey’s Writers that tomorrow’s season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy would contain several references to the very first episode, so looks like I’ll be dusting off the series premiere and watching it for the 112th time. Can’t be caught off-guard or anything…and besides, I never tire of hearing George say, “strappy sandals.”

And finally, if you have a few minutes, check this out. Make sure your pop-ups are enabled! That sounded slightly dirty, didn’t it?

Lord…where to I start? First, I don’t think I can handle two medical dramas in a row on Thursday nights. My cryfest, which began as soon as I saw Addison’s despondent expression while holding Meredith’s panties, continued right up until Sam shot her mess of an ex - multiple times.

I grabbbed CU’s shoulders, shook him and said, “I CANNOT DO THIS FOR ANOTHER 22 WEEKS! I DON’T CARE IF WE GET A HOLIDAY HIATUS!”

I’ll be back later for more detailed analysis but in the meantime, learn from The Office’s Pam & Roy - if you’re going to cancel your wedding at the last minute, make sure you have a beef dish and a chicken dish. Fish can’t possibly freeze that well.

Happy Friday!

Last night’s new episodes of Wife Swap and Supernanny helped CU and I realize a few things…

1. ABC needs to launch a new show called Husband Swap, so women can ship their whiny husbands off to a new family for two weeks.
2. Sometimes a 15-year old daughter can be smarter than both of her parents combined.
3. Female pirates don’t exist. Male pirates had their wenches, who served no purpose other than servicing multiple pirates either in or out of port, as it were.
4. Mad Sally is doing her daughter a great disservice by not encouraging her to become at least a thirty-dollar whore. She was really being lowballed at $20.
5. Apparently, you’re a mean mom if you don’t wipe your 7-year old’s ass after he goes to the bathroom. This was new to me.
6. Pinning your daughters down while you come at them wielding tweezers is not the way to groom their brows. If you can spend $36k on your house every year, you can take them in for a $10 waxing once a month. Hell, they can even get it done while they’re getting their nails done!
7. I’m not sure which is scarier, the fact that Pirattitude has a how-to book, or that Dave Barry was also involved.
8. CU and I miss instant messaging. When CU was deployed, we’d IM every day and one of our favorite Yahoo audibles was Big Gay Pirate (he had lipstick and an earring…you’d have to see it), who would say, “ARRR! Your booty shivers me timbers! ARRR!”
9. Messy, dirty, nasty slobs describe their homes as “lived-in,” “comfortable” or “chaotic.”
10. I don’t get the appeal of permanent lip liner. Really, I don’t.

And then…it was almost like he subconsciously heard me wonder aloud, “I wonder what a good pirate name would be for me?” Turns out, it’s Sword Jugglin’ Cynthia. Arrr!

Alternate post title: DUMB-O

This pretty much sums it up.

I had a headache after watching the show this morning. Oprah was Gratechel’s guest today, and the two of them together…in one room…well, you can tell which of them is the long-term pro. Rachael was all over the place…talkingreallyfast and poundingfistsonthetableinemphasis and just yamyamyamyamyam holy schmoly. It was nearly as bad as watching Rosie on The View.

It pains me to say anything negative about Rachael because I really do like her, but perhaps my tolerance is limited to 30 minutes at a shot.

Previously on The Amazing Race…we were served a generous helping of hippie sorbet, effectively cleansing our palates after season eight, the televised equivalent of Argentinian cow intestine. Yum!

I was really pleased when I read last night’s season premiere was only going to be 90 minutes long. For you long-time readers, one of my biggest pet peeves has been how insane the 2-hour premieres are…there’s too much going on, too many people to keep track of…and by the 80-minute mark I’m burned out, cranky and ready to chuck blogging about the show for the rest of the season.

This is Seattle, Washington…”the largest city in the Pacific Northwest,” (that’s the best they could do?) and we first spy Phil on McDreamy’s McFerry. This thriving metropolis of corn dogs and kick-ass soundtracks is the starting point for our race around the world. Can I just say Phil looks fabulous against the glistening reflection of the Puget Sound?

Ahhh…McPhil.

Quickly, we were introduced to this season’s 12 teams - I can’t won’t describe all of them here, but I will compartmentalize my favorites into easy-to-digest stereotypes, suitable for gift-giving.

Read more…

Peter & RoboSarah - “I’m hypoglycemic, I have one leg…and after seven years, we can’t figure out if we want to date each other or not.”

Kandy Dust - I morphed their names a’la Brangelina or Jennivaughn, but it wound up coming out like a lame porn name.

Rob & Kimberly - if Jonathan Baker & the V-Chip were to have gender reassignment surgery and dye their hair, I suspect they’d be this couple. Kimberly needs to learn that Rob’s a human…FYI.

Cletus & Brandine - coal miner & housewife, and occasional guest stars on The Simpsons. I love these two. Can’t figger out what ther sayin’ half the time, though, which means you’ll be seeing them next year on Wife Swap.

Arti & Vipul - I like them, which means they will head out in the first three episodes.

Severe Cheer - saving me some time, these two write their own synopsis: “Jamie and I entertain each other more than anything else. You could put us in a cardboard box and we’d find a way to have fun.” All of a sudden, the under-18 male ratings just shot up. “We both have the personality where we could have a conversation with a doorknob.” Just shot up some more.

Mani & Pedi - boyfriends from NYC - there’s just something not very…aggressive…about men who leave a nail salon and admire each other’s nails. I’m just sayin’. Even CU won’t show off his manicures unless I specifically ask.

There will be surprises you never expected…and geographical directions you never expected to go based on the last 9 seasons! Clue rip. Fly to Beijing, China. Um…they’re flying East. Yoo hoo - YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG DIRECTION! We usually go left to right, but there’s a level of irony in now going right to left…to China. Heh.

Far too many teams can’t seem to get their cars going. It’s one thing if you’re in India or Ethiopia, but you know you’re in trouble when you can’t start the car in your home country - and it’s an automatic.

I’m so glad CU is back, because I have so missed his snarky co-commentary. There was a point in time when he was travelling to Seattle about every damn week for work, and he obviously got to know the area. Oh the fun he had last night, crawling over our poor, defenseless teams, trying to coach them as to the right direction so they’d get to the airport and not, say, Vancouver.

They do all get to the airport though, and once they board their flights, they get to Shanghai in about 40 seconds. Teams need to find the Gold House Restaurant, where they will get their next clue. Hmm. Restaurant. China. Egg roll eating contest? The two chicks from Alabama are really bothering me, as there is no reason whatsoever to assault their female Chinese driver to go faster. It may work with your kids, not so much in the land of the rising sun…then there’s some smack about how one minute Sarah’s disabled and the next she’s not, and then I think a threat of “bringing it on.”

Clue-rip. Roadblock. Speaking of bringing it on, bring on some fish eyes! Muster up the intestinal fortitude, pick fish eyes out of a fish head, eat the fish eyes and then head to the Forbidden City. I must have overreacted to this challenge, because by the time I finished covering my eyes and making gagging noises and trying to get CU’s attention, all of the teams had finished.

En route to the Forbidden City, Duke says to Lauren, “Do you think this is an elimination round, so soon?” Naaaaaaaaah. Gee Amazing Producers, foreshadow much?

Brandine tackles this challenge for Team Cletus, and I do love them. Some folks may feel bad for the chick with the bionic leg and want her to win, but I am always a fan of the team who seems the most real. If you’re a model or a beauty queen…or you have a degree from Harvard business school…you’re not real.

However…Rob & Kimberly…real. Real people do things like beg their taxi driver to speed up, saying they’re “Running for their lives.” I half-expected their driver to pull over to the side of the road, get out and explain to these two exactly what “running for their lives” means to a Chinese person…and it has nothing to do with dim sum at the Gold House. Criminy.

It’s pitch black when the teams reach the Forbidden City, and I am seriously going to tire of Lyn and Karlyn very quickly. They don’t need anyone except, I guess, someone to listen to their constant complaining. Maybe that’s why they’re such good friends.

Our first “big twist” of the season is the surprise booting of Team Allah, cutting our ongoing agony short by a full 45 minutes. McPhil explains, “I said there would be surprises. Even though this isn’t a pit stop…I’m sorry to tell you…you’ve both been eliminated from the race.” All of a sudden…Allah…not so great. Can’t complain, though. I would have been happy with one of about 5 teams going home this early in the race, but I’ll take Bilal & Sa’eed…now they can go back home and learn how to use chopsticks.

The awesome thing about this is it now forces all of the teams to be on their A game at all times. Previously, any time a team was down a bit, they always knew they had some time to make up - but not anymore. If you let up even the slightest…you could go home. Now, to really screw with the teams, they’ll probably go through four pit stops before the next elimination.

The next morning, our teams meet up with a local motorcycle gang, and proceed to the next cluebox.

Clue rip. Detour. Labor or Leisure. Thank God…by season ten the Amazing producers have finally caught on we already know each choice “has it’s own pros and cons.” Hmm…taiji bai long…or build a brick patio, with supplies furnished by IKEA. Seems most everyone is still practicing the “Let’s show everyone how strong we are, physically and mentally!” strategy, so they go for Labor. The cheerleaders though, think taiji bai long can’t be any different than choreographing a routine to an Aerosmith song. What they don’t realize is the succession of claps they were performing en route translates to “Follow this pedicab for a good time, very respected men of China!”

Rob & Kimberly - they’re so funny. I’m trying to figure out which book they read that said if you start or end each sentence with the word “Babe,” then somehow what you’ve just said isn’t nearly as nasty or mean as it would have been without.

A full 20 minutes was spent on this Detour before the teams head to the real challenge of the day…scaling The Great Wall of China. See what another Emmy win will get you? The ability to let people of all races, colors, religions, literacy levels and sexual orientations scale one of the Eighth Wonders of the World. Take that Burnett, with your pedantic rice jokes and derivative deserted islands.

This week’s Amazing Quote is brought to us courtesy of Peter, who is pumping up teammate/customer/maybe girlfriend RoboSarah so much he completely sends them in the wrong direction:

Sarah - you are my girl! You are solid! You are conditioned! You are an all-American, you are a world class athlete - OH GOD, THIS IS NOT IT, SARAH. OHHHHHHH CRIPES.

But…I know America was sitting on the collective edge it’s seat, waiting to see if RoboSarah would be able to make it up the Great Wall. Ya’ll knew she’d be able to do it, because if they were to come in last, we wouldn’t be able to experience Peter’s great direction-following skills in the next leg of the race. “Sarah - you are the best! I am so proud to have you as my partner! OH GOD, I THOUGHT THE CLUE SAID FLY TO HOME, NOT ROME! OHHHHHHH CRIPES.”

And somewhere…during all of this…Heroin Chic hit the mat first and won $20,000 from McPhil. Wow. As I say every season, guess we’re not in KodakEasyShareKansas anymore, Toto. Vipul & Arti, the one team I really liked but because they have no spark, honestly had no chance of winning…hit the Mat of Judgment last and are sent home. Amazing journey, wouldn’t have traded it for anything…whoopdedoo.

I know this recap was all over there…but I haven’t done this in awhile and need to get my snark back on - plus, like everything else, it was the first night. I never get going until episode three.

On the next episode of The Amazing Race, Rob & Kimberly enter the second phase of Mad Coupledom…and many, many animals run amok! See you next week!

Previously on The Amazing Race…we were served a generous helping of hippie sorbet, effectively cleansing our palates after season eight, the televised equivalent of Argentinian cow intestine. Yum!

I was really pleased when I read last night’s season premiere was only going to be 90 minutes long. For you long-time readers, one of my biggest pet peeves has been how insane the 2-hour premieres are…there’s too much going on, too many people to keep track of…and by the 80-minute mark I’m burned out, cranky and ready to chuck blogging about the show for the rest of the season.

This is Seattle, Washington…”the largest city in the Pacific Northwest,” (that’s the best they could do?) and we first spy Phil on McDreamy’s McFerry. This thriving metropolis of corn dogs and kick-ass soundtracks is the starting point for our race around the world. Can I just say Phil looks fabulous against the glistening reflection of the Puget Sound?

Ahhh…McPhil.

Quickly, we were introduced to this season’s 12 teams - I can’t won’t describe all of them here, but I will compartmentalize my favorites into easy-to-digest stereotypes, suitable for gift-giving.

Peter & RoboSarah - “I’m hypoglycemic, I have one leg…and after seven years, we can’t figure out if we want to date each other or not.”

Kandy Dust - I morphed their names a’la Brangelina or Jennivaughn, but it wound up coming out like a lame porn name.

Rob & Kimberly - if Jonathan Baker & the V-Chip were to have gender reassignment surgery and dye their hair, I suspect they’d be this couple. Kimberly needs to learn that Rob’s a human…FYI.

Cletus & Brandine - coal miner & housewife, and occasional guest stars on The Simpsons. I love these two. Can’t figger out what ther sayin’ half the time, though, which means you’ll be seeing them next year on Wife Swap.

Arti & Vipul - I like them, which means they will head out in the first three episodes.

Severe Cheer - saving me some time, these two write their own synopsis: “Jamie and I entertain each other more than anything else. You could put us in a cardboard box and we’d find a way to have fun.” All of a sudden, the under-18 male ratings just shot up. “We both have the personality where we could have a conversation with a doorknob.” Just shot up some more.

Mani & Pedi - boyfriends from NYC - there’s just something not very…aggressive…about men who leave a nail salon and admire each other’s nails. I’m just sayin’. Even CU won’t show off his manicures unless I specifically ask.

There will be surprises you never expected…and geographical directions you never expected to go based on the last 9 seasons! Clue rip. Fly to Beijing, China. Um…they’re flying East. Yoo hoo - YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG DIRECTION! We usually go left to right, but there’s a level of irony in now going right to left…to China. Heh.

Far too many teams can’t seem to get their cars going. It’s one thing if you’re in India or Ethiopia, but you know you’re in trouble when you can’t start the car in your home country - and it’s an automatic.

I’m so glad CU is back, because I have so missed his snarky co-commentary. There was a point in time when he was travelling to Seattle about every damn week for work, and he obviously got to know the area. Oh the fun he had last night, crawling over our poor, defenseless teams, trying to coach them as to the right direction so they’d get to the airport and not, say, Vancouver.

They do all get to the airport though, and once they board their flights, they get to Shanghai in about 40 seconds. Teams need to find the Gold House Restaurant, where they will get their next clue. Hmm. Restaurant. China. Egg roll eating contest? The two chicks from Alabama are really bothering me, as there is no reason whatsoever to assault their female Chinese driver to go faster. It may work with your kids, not so much in the land of the rising sun…then there’s some smack about how one minute Sarah’s disabled and the next she’s not, and then I think a threat of “bringing it on.”

Clue-rip. Roadblock. Speaking of bringing it on, bring on some fish eyes! Muster up the intestinal fortitude, pick fish eyes out of a fish head, eat the fish eyes and then head to the Forbidden City. I must have overreacted to this challenge, because by the time I finished covering my eyes and making gagging noises and trying to get CU’s attention, all of the teams had finished.

En route to the Forbidden City, Duke says to Lauren, “Do you think this is an elimination round, so soon?” Naaaaaaaaah. Gee Amazing Producers, foreshadow much?

Brandine tackles this challenge for Team Cletus, and I do love them. Some folks may feel bad for the chick with the bionic leg and want her to win, but I am always a fan of the team who seems the most real. If you’re a model or a beauty queen…or you have a degree from Harvard business school…you’re not real.

However…Rob & Kimberly…real. Real people do things like beg their taxi driver to speed up, saying they’re “Running for their lives.” I half-expected their driver to pull over to the side of the road, get out and explain to these two exactly what “running for their lives” means to a Chinese person…and it has nothing to do with dim sum at the Gold House. Criminy.

It’s pitch black when the teams reach the Forbidden City, and I am seriously going to tire of Lyn and Karlyn very quickly. They don’t need anyone except, I guess, someone to listen to their constant complaining. Maybe that’s why they’re such good friends.

Our first “big twist” of the season is the surprise booting of Team Allah, cutting our ongoing agony short by a full 45 minutes. McPhil explains, “I said there would be surprises. Even though this isn’t a pit stop…I’m sorry to tell you…you’ve both been eliminated from the race.” All of a sudden…Allah…not so great. Can’t complain, though. I would have been happy with one of about 5 teams going home this early in the race, but I’ll take Bilal & Sa’eed…now they can go back home and learn how to use chopsticks.

The awesome thing about this is it now forces all of the teams to be on their A game at all times. Previously, any time a team was down a bit, they always knew they had some time to make up - but not anymore. If you let up even the slightest…you could go home. Now, to really screw with the teams, they’ll probably go through four pit stops before the next elimination.

The next morning, our teams meet up with a local motorcycle gang, and proceed to the next cluebox.

Clue rip. Detour. Labor or Leisure. Thank God…by season ten the Amazing producers have finally caught on we already know each choice “has it’s own pros and cons.” Hmm…taiji bai long…or build a brick patio, with supplies furnished by IKEA. Seems most everyone is still practicing the “Let’s show everyone how strong we are, physically and mentally!” strategy, so they go for Labor. The cheerleaders though, think taiji bai long can’t be any different than choreographing a routine to an Aerosmith song. What they don’t realize is the succession of claps they were performing en route translates to “Follow this pedicab for a good time, very respected men of China!”

Rob & Kimberly - they’re so funny. I’m trying to figure out which book they read that said if you start or end each sentence with the word “Babe,” then somehow what you’ve just said isn’t nearly as nasty or mean as it would have been without.

A full 20 minutes was spent on this Detour before the teams head to the real challenge of the day…scaling The Great Wall of China. See what another Emmy win will get you? The ability to let people of all races, colors, religions, literacy levels and sexual orientations scale one of the Eighth Wonders of the World. Take that Burnett, with your pedantic rice jokes and derivative deserted islands.

This week’s Amazing Quote is brought to us courtesy of Peter, who is pumping up teammate/customer/maybe girlfriend RoboSarah so much he completely sends them in the wrong direction:

Sarah - you are my girl! You are solid! You are conditioned! You are an all-American, you are a world class athlete - OH GOD, THIS IS NOT IT, SARAH. OHHHHHHH CRIPES.

But…I know America was sitting on the collective edge it’s seat, waiting to see if RoboSarah would be able to make it up the Great Wall. Ya’ll knew she’d be able to do it, because if they were to come in last, we wouldn’t be able to experience Peter’s great direction-following skills in the next leg of the race. “Sarah - you are the best! I am so proud to have you as my partner! OH GOD, I THOUGHT THE CLUE SAID FLY TO HOME, NOT ROME! OHHHHHHH CRIPES.”

And somewhere…during all of this…Heroin Chic hit the mat first and won $20,000 from McPhil. Wow. As I say every season, guess we’re not in KodakEasyShareKansas anymore, Toto. Vipul & Arti, the one team I really liked but because they have no spark, honestly had no chance of winning…hit the Mat of Judgment last and are sent home. Amazing journey, wouldn’t have traded it for anything…whoopdedoo.

I know this recap was all over there…but I haven’t done this in awhile and need to get my snark back on - plus, like everything else, it was the first night. I never get going until episode three.

On the next episode of The Amazing Race, Rob & Kimberly enter the second phase of Mad Coupledom…and many, many animals run amok! See you next week!

Some folks have asked to see some other pictures from our vacation…

The last time CU and I had photos done three years ago, I had super-short hair…figured it was time to update our walls and desks!

And…The Amazing Race starts tonight…and…it’s her birthday. Pop over and wish her a wonderful day!

I finally have my blogroll cleaned up and back in business over thar on the right. I was kind of amazed at how many dead links I had…guess I wasn’t the only one who decided to go into hiding as part of the Blogger Protection Program in recent months.

In retrospect, I kind of now wish I hadn’t totally deleted my posts from the last couple of years when I unraveled houseofsnark.com. I stalled doing it for quite literally, weeks, and figured after an annoying level of soul-searching and contemplation, I wouldn’t regret the final decision. Bah. Life’s unpredictable like that.

I’ve been receiving “ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! YOUR DOMAIN IS ABOUT TO EXPIRE, SO FOR THE LOVE OF TUCKER CARLSON, RENEW ALREADY!” emails for a couple of months - and I now have 5 days left.

Old blog, I miss you. Come back. If you do, I’ll give you a cookie.

Nothing beats a challenging day at work quite like an IM session with a co-worker you’ve known for nearly ten years.

Co-worker: can we add an autologin feature (ie. remember me) for non-customers that hit this from the outside?
Snarkwife: yes - with a big, fat note telling folks that if they clear their cookies, that auto-login will be cleared as well! Co-worker: lol
Co-worker: one of the issues i wanted originally - they instead decided to take the order WITHOUT logging in - fine, but then force them to log in at the end. I’d rather it “just remember”
Snarkwife: that’s cookie-dependent, though
Co-worker: yes
Snarkwife: how ironic…Cookie just brought her Cookie Monster toy in here to my office
Snarkwife: must have heard me type “cookie”
Co-worker: lol
Co-worker: unless you’re typing with your out loud voice

This season on Survivor: Epcot Island, 20 castaways are tossed off Probst’s snooze cruise and loaded onto four rafts. After a couple of minutes of looking around, the castaways look at their raftmates and say, “Hey, you look like me! 어이, ê·¸ 사람은 우리들 보지 않는다!

I think the only stereotypical joke the three non-Caucasian teams (am I supposed to be capitalizing ‘Caucasian’?) did not make en route to Epcot Island was something about how all of their families paddled away from islands and not to islands…oh wait, I spoke too soon. I try to be so clever but, I now know that I can never outwit heavy metal guitarist Billy!

Epcot Island has something for everyone…the frat guy, the sorority chick, the angry black woman (”Black people do more than run track!”) and my personal favorite…the Vietnamese nail salon manager!

And for you ladies…we have the guy from Lost! As I was snooping around the castaway bios, I discovered the eclectic tattooed rollergirl was from my neck of the woods! Go Redding - there’s more to Northern California than San Francisco!

So after all of the “backlash” and “controversy” and “buzz” surrounding this season, I was really hoping splitting teams across racial/ethnic/whatever lines wouldn’t just be a stupid stunt. I read (or heard, can’t remember) an article earlier this week where Jeff Probst (or Rob Burnett, can’t remember) said the one great thing about this season of Survivor is that historically, Caucasians make up the overwhelming majority of applicants. Because of that, the producers had to go out and actively recruit non-Caucasians who wouldn’t normally have applied to the show. What we wind up getting…I heard…was a group of folks aren’t “Survivor savvy” at all and as such, would bring something new to the show.

I have to agree. I quit watching Survivor with the zeal and googliness of earlier seasons because everyone turned into a member of The Real World. Everyone fit into some pre-conceived stereotype (dumb blonde! lesbian truck driver! fireman with killer abs!) and it just got…so…old.

Blah blah…build camp…build toilet…oppress minorities…rice jokes…someone’s playing with the Korean guy’s chicken…then, Prince Probst appears to speak to his minions.

Our first immunity/reward challenge is to go find the teams from The Amazing Race over on the other side of the island…and speak to them in one of our team’s native tongues. Don’t speak Korean? That’s okay…I doubt they do, either.…so fake it! The first three teams to completely befuddle TAR teams and acquire a pair of Phil Keoghan’s panties will win some sort of fire set. Yay! Personally, I think Phil’s panties would be reward enough, but I suppose the winning team needs something which would theoretically benefit all of them.

Actually, it’s a challenge involving building a boat (insert refugee joke here), paddling out to retrieve fire, following some insane obstacle course and then they have to solve a puzzle. At one point, I thought Jeff might actually say, “PICK UP THE PACE AND MOVE YOUR LAZY ASSES, MANIHIKI TRIBE.” What he wound up saying was, “No fire for you! Vote someone off at Tribal Council!” then rewarded their losing effort by letting them send one member from one of the other three tribes to Exile Island. Huh?

“Um…we pick…that guy. Red Rover, Red Rover, send the guy in the blue who stole the Korean guy’s chicken right over!”

The Menihikis decided they were in charge and promptly took two steps forward to unilaterally make their Exile Island choice, with no input whatsoever from the womenfolk. Yeah, that was smart. No great surprise to see Mr. Congeniality was the first one to go home.

And…hookups, folks! We have hookups this season! Maybe it’s not that far from The Real World: Epcot Island, after all.

Next week…Cao Boi’s jokes fall flat and Billy’s jokes drives team iTunes to “drastic measures.” Can’t wait.

From: BreakingNews@MAIL.CNN.COM [mailto:BreakingNews@MAIL.CNN.COM]
Sent: Wednesday, September 13, 2006 2:44 PM
To: TEXTBREAKINGNEWS@CNNIMAIL12.CNN.COM
Subject: CNN Breaking News

– Grammy-winning singer Whitney Houston has filed for divorce from husband Bobby Brown, her publicist tells The Associated Press.

Come on CNN…this warranted a breaking news alert? Really? What about this? Or this?

I think I’ve figured out why I’ve been so grumpy and cranky the last four months. At first, it was easy to just pooh-pooh it all and chalk it up to working out the post-deployment kinks with CU, but in retrospect, that wasn’t it at all.

The problem was…I was suffering from Dancing With The Stars withdrawal!

The third season premiere was tonight and when the show started, I got all dance-snobby saying things like, “I don’t know who she is” and “Emmitt Smith is just another Master P in the making.”

As I mentioned earlier, CU is in Seattle, so it was like Old Home Week here at casa de snark, as I called my mom about 900 times during the show, comparing this person and that person, and trying to get over ourselves and remember that it’s just the first night.

We’re so demanding. It’s like I expect “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” every performance, now.

Bruno Tonioli did not disappoint tonight, as I suspect he and Little Richard get together on Mondays for lunch and discuss what weird things they’re going to say on their respective shows. Bruno, riding high from such winners as, “You’re a weapon of mass seduction!” and “You’re the all-American peeenup girl!” asked ADD hoofster Mario Lopez if he had extra batteries in his pants. Smooth.

I performed in a competitive jazz dance group in junior high school (Second place in Reno! Against high schoolers!), so I think that entitles me to comment. Without further ado…

Joey Lawrence & His Professional Partner, Hottie Edyta Slyzsskenaesiwvbsiakia
I didn’t see much of the dancing, because my eyes were locked on his bulging biceps and her, um, fringe. Whoa. Lucky gal, at least she didn’t get stuck with an old man again.

Sara Evans & Her Professional Partner, Tony Dovolani
I have a hard time criticizing anyone the first night, especially when they’re trying to dance the fox trot. I couldn’t do it, but nevertheless, she’s no Stacy Kiebler. And for God’s sake, “Mandy”? Are you kidding me?

Tucker Carlson & His Professional Partner, Bitchy McBitchy
Jokes about this show being a tougher gig than Afghanistan aside, I felt bad for Tucker. His partner was a negative pain in the ass, who I suspect hoped he’d break an ankle last night so…you gotta give the guy props. He has a thicker skin than the rest of us put together, and has dealt with a rougher crowd than Carrie Ann, Len and Bruno. Sadly, I did think after the first two seconds they had decided to just chuck their performance and have him sit on that chair the full two minutes. I’ll miss you Tucker…would have liked to see you do a waltz.

Monique Coleman & Her Professional Partner, Harry Hamlin
I’m not familiar with the “High School Musical” hysteria, but I’m pretty sure Tom Bergeron said “fox trot” and not “melodramatic cabaret.” Eh. What do I know. Maybe it was “Baby Love” performed at half-speed that sealed the deal for me.

Emmitt Smith & His Professional Partner, Cheryl Burke
Cheryl needed a good partner to follow up her championship win with Drew Lachey last year, and despite the fact Emmitt is a former running back who by definition has to be sort of light on his feet, I suspected he’d be more of a cross between Jerry Rice and Master P. I stand corrected…hey there, sexy old man…watch you swivel your hips and smile and flirt. I’m still trying to figure out if Cheryl was sweating up a storm, or if she just had a bunch of shimmer powder on her skin…anyone? Anyone?

Willa Ford & Her Professional Partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy
I’ll do my best Bruno impression here…”Bad girl of pop? Bad girl, please stop!” Her tongue was hanging out of her mouth half the time…and even though the judges seemed to love her, I thought she was sloppy. Maybe it was the fact her mouth was open the whole dance. Blech.

Mario Lopez & His Professional Partner, The Future Mrs. Mario Lopez
These two are so going to hook up this season. I love the montages before the performances, because whenever they make the “celebrity” look like a total buffoon, they usually wind up putting out an amazing performance (exception: Tucker Carlson). Of course, Mario looked like he literally just stepped off the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack album cover, and I like a man who isn’t afraid to thrust his hips (exception: Tucker Carlson). Can’t wait to see what else these two manage to do on the floor this season.

Shanna Moakler & Her Professional Partner, Jesse DeSoto
I have to ask…is Shanna pregnant? Isn’t she getting divorced? Back to the dancing…I liked her dress and she was beautiful…maybe the fox trot just ain’t my thang. I’m more of a quick step girl.

Harry Hamlin & His Professional Partner, Ashly DelGrosso
Unlike Cheryl Burke, Ashly I’m sure had incredibly low expectations after her Master P fiasco last season. Did any of you see that? What a train wreck. Fortunately, Mr. Rinna isn’t afraid to put on his dancing shoes, and refrained from any shout outs to his people up along the Canadian waterfront. He’s not great but sheesh…again…everyone can’t win. Someone has to go home during Week 1, but it won’t be Harry. Besides, we need to see Team Harry in those tank tops at least a couple more times.

Vivica A. Fox & Her Professional Partner, Nick Kosovich
Vivica…girlfriend…I like you. Your only downfall is you made a point of saying you wanted to show women over 40 that they can be grown and sexy and…something about being hot. Boring. Work it girl, don’t be afraid, yadda yadda yadda. Please. We’ve been hearing 40 is the new 30 for five years. And, there’s that pesky fox trot again. But, they gave the urban chick an urban song to dance to, and the performance felt like one of those juke joint scenes out of The Color Purple. Again…fox trot…not for me.

Jerry Springer & His Professional Partner, Kym Johnson
Like Tucker Carlson, there’s not much Jerry can do to embarrass himself and actually be self-conscious about it. What I love about Jerry is that he’s this season’s George Hamilton, hands down. He may not sport any mad skillz on the dance floor, but what he doesn’t have in substance, he’ll more than make up for with style and fun. And, he made me smile. Guess I’m a cha-cha-cha girl, too.

YAY! The new TV season has officially begun!