I think I’ve figured out why I’ve been so grumpy and cranky the last four months. At first, it was easy to just pooh-pooh it all and chalk it up to working out the post-deployment kinks with CU, but in retrospect, that wasn’t it at all.

The problem was…I was suffering from Dancing With The Stars withdrawal!

The third season premiere was tonight and when the show started, I got all dance-snobby saying things like, “I don’t know who she is” and “Emmitt Smith is just another Master P in the making.”

As I mentioned earlier, CU is in Seattle, so it was like Old Home Week here at casa de snark, as I called my mom about 900 times during the show, comparing this person and that person, and trying to get over ourselves and remember that it’s just the first night.

We’re so demanding. It’s like I expect “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” every performance, now.

Bruno Tonioli did not disappoint tonight, as I suspect he and Little Richard get together on Mondays for lunch and discuss what weird things they’re going to say on their respective shows. Bruno, riding high from such winners as, “You’re a weapon of mass seduction!” and “You’re the all-American peeenup girl!” asked ADD hoofster Mario Lopez if he had extra batteries in his pants. Smooth.

I performed in a competitive jazz dance group in junior high school (Second place in Reno! Against high schoolers!), so I think that entitles me to comment. Without further ado…

Joey Lawrence & His Professional Partner, Hottie Edyta Slyzsskenaesiwvbsiakia
I didn’t see much of the dancing, because my eyes were locked on his bulging biceps and her, um, fringe. Whoa. Lucky gal, at least she didn’t get stuck with an old man again.

Sara Evans & Her Professional Partner, Tony Dovolani
I have a hard time criticizing anyone the first night, especially when they’re trying to dance the fox trot. I couldn’t do it, but nevertheless, she’s no Stacy Kiebler. And for God’s sake, “Mandy”? Are you kidding me?

Tucker Carlson & His Professional Partner, Bitchy McBitchy
Jokes about this show being a tougher gig than Afghanistan aside, I felt bad for Tucker. His partner was a negative pain in the ass, who I suspect hoped he’d break an ankle last night so…you gotta give the guy props. He has a thicker skin than the rest of us put together, and has dealt with a rougher crowd than Carrie Ann, Len and Bruno. Sadly, I did think after the first two seconds they had decided to just chuck their performance and have him sit on that chair the full two minutes. I’ll miss you Tucker…would have liked to see you do a waltz.

Monique Coleman & Her Professional Partner, Harry Hamlin
I’m not familiar with the “High School Musical” hysteria, but I’m pretty sure Tom Bergeron said “fox trot” and not “melodramatic cabaret.” Eh. What do I know. Maybe it was “Baby Love” performed at half-speed that sealed the deal for me.

Emmitt Smith & His Professional Partner, Cheryl Burke
Cheryl needed a good partner to follow up her championship win with Drew Lachey last year, and despite the fact Emmitt is a former running back who by definition has to be sort of light on his feet, I suspected he’d be more of a cross between Jerry Rice and Master P. I stand corrected…hey there, sexy old man…watch you swivel your hips and smile and flirt. I’m still trying to figure out if Cheryl was sweating up a storm, or if she just had a bunch of shimmer powder on her skin…anyone? Anyone?

Willa Ford & Her Professional Partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy
I’ll do my best Bruno impression here…”Bad girl of pop? Bad girl, please stop!” Her tongue was hanging out of her mouth half the time…and even though the judges seemed to love her, I thought she was sloppy. Maybe it was the fact her mouth was open the whole dance. Blech.

Mario Lopez & His Professional Partner, The Future Mrs. Mario Lopez
These two are so going to hook up this season. I love the montages before the performances, because whenever they make the “celebrity” look like a total buffoon, they usually wind up putting out an amazing performance (exception: Tucker Carlson). Of course, Mario looked like he literally just stepped off the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack album cover, and I like a man who isn’t afraid to thrust his hips (exception: Tucker Carlson). Can’t wait to see what else these two manage to do on the floor this season.

Shanna Moakler & Her Professional Partner, Jesse DeSoto
I have to ask…is Shanna pregnant? Isn’t she getting divorced? Back to the dancing…I liked her dress and she was beautiful…maybe the fox trot just ain’t my thang. I’m more of a quick step girl.

Harry Hamlin & His Professional Partner, Ashly DelGrosso
Unlike Cheryl Burke, Ashly I’m sure had incredibly low expectations after her Master P fiasco last season. Did any of you see that? What a train wreck. Fortunately, Mr. Rinna isn’t afraid to put on his dancing shoes, and refrained from any shout outs to his people up along the Canadian waterfront. He’s not great but sheesh…again…everyone can’t win. Someone has to go home during Week 1, but it won’t be Harry. Besides, we need to see Team Harry in those tank tops at least a couple more times.

Vivica A. Fox & Her Professional Partner, Nick Kosovich
Vivica…girlfriend…I like you. Your only downfall is you made a point of saying you wanted to show women over 40 that they can be grown and sexy and…something about being hot. Boring. Work it girl, don’t be afraid, yadda yadda yadda. Please. We’ve been hearing 40 is the new 30 for five years. And, there’s that pesky fox trot again. But, they gave the urban chick an urban song to dance to, and the performance felt like one of those juke joint scenes out of The Color Purple. Again…fox trot…not for me.

Jerry Springer & His Professional Partner, Kym Johnson
Like Tucker Carlson, there’s not much Jerry can do to embarrass himself and actually be self-conscious about it. What I love about Jerry is that he’s this season’s George Hamilton, hands down. He may not sport any mad skillz on the dance floor, but what he doesn’t have in substance, he’ll more than make up for with style and fun. And, he made me smile. Guess I’m a cha-cha-cha girl, too.

YAY! The new TV season has officially begun!