Previously on The Amazing Race…we were served a generous helping of hippie sorbet, effectively cleansing our palates after season eight, the televised equivalent of Argentinian cow intestine. Yum!

I was really pleased when I read last night’s season premiere was only going to be 90 minutes long. For you long-time readers, one of my biggest pet peeves has been how insane the 2-hour premieres are…there’s too much going on, too many people to keep track of…and by the 80-minute mark I’m burned out, cranky and ready to chuck blogging about the show for the rest of the season.

This is Seattle, Washington…”the largest city in the Pacific Northwest,” (that’s the best they could do?) and we first spy Phil on McDreamy’s McFerry. This thriving metropolis of corn dogs and kick-ass soundtracks is the starting point for our race around the world. Can I just say Phil looks fabulous against the glistening reflection of the Puget Sound?

Ahhh…McPhil.

Quickly, we were introduced to this season’s 12 teams - I can’t won’t describe all of them here, but I will compartmentalize my favorites into easy-to-digest stereotypes, suitable for gift-giving.

Peter & RoboSarah - “I’m hypoglycemic, I have one leg…and after seven years, we can’t figure out if we want to date each other or not.”

Kandy Dust - I morphed their names a’la Brangelina or Jennivaughn, but it wound up coming out like a lame porn name.

Rob & Kimberly - if Jonathan Baker & the V-Chip were to have gender reassignment surgery and dye their hair, I suspect they’d be this couple. Kimberly needs to learn that Rob’s a human…FYI.

Cletus & Brandine - coal miner & housewife, and occasional guest stars on The Simpsons. I love these two. Can’t figger out what ther sayin’ half the time, though, which means you’ll be seeing them next year on Wife Swap.

Arti & Vipul - I like them, which means they will head out in the first three episodes.

Severe Cheer - saving me some time, these two write their own synopsis: “Jamie and I entertain each other more than anything else. You could put us in a cardboard box and we’d find a way to have fun.” All of a sudden, the under-18 male ratings just shot up. “We both have the personality where we could have a conversation with a doorknob.” Just shot up some more.

Mani & Pedi - boyfriends from NYC - there’s just something not very…aggressive…about men who leave a nail salon and admire each other’s nails. I’m just sayin’. Even CU won’t show off his manicures unless I specifically ask.

There will be surprises you never expected…and geographical directions you never expected to go based on the last 9 seasons! Clue rip. Fly to Beijing, China. Um…they’re flying East. Yoo hoo - YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG DIRECTION! We usually go left to right, but there’s a level of irony in now going right to left…to China. Heh.

Far too many teams can’t seem to get their cars going. It’s one thing if you’re in India or Ethiopia, but you know you’re in trouble when you can’t start the car in your home country - and it’s an automatic.

I’m so glad CU is back, because I have so missed his snarky co-commentary. There was a point in time when he was travelling to Seattle about every damn week for work, and he obviously got to know the area. Oh the fun he had last night, crawling over our poor, defenseless teams, trying to coach them as to the right direction so they’d get to the airport and not, say, Vancouver.

They do all get to the airport though, and once they board their flights, they get to Shanghai in about 40 seconds. Teams need to find the Gold House Restaurant, where they will get their next clue. Hmm. Restaurant. China. Egg roll eating contest? The two chicks from Alabama are really bothering me, as there is no reason whatsoever to assault their female Chinese driver to go faster. It may work with your kids, not so much in the land of the rising sun…then there’s some smack about how one minute Sarah’s disabled and the next she’s not, and then I think a threat of “bringing it on.”

Clue-rip. Roadblock. Speaking of bringing it on, bring on some fish eyes! Muster up the intestinal fortitude, pick fish eyes out of a fish head, eat the fish eyes and then head to the Forbidden City. I must have overreacted to this challenge, because by the time I finished covering my eyes and making gagging noises and trying to get CU’s attention, all of the teams had finished.

En route to the Forbidden City, Duke says to Lauren, “Do you think this is an elimination round, so soon?” Naaaaaaaaah. Gee Amazing Producers, foreshadow much?

Brandine tackles this challenge for Team Cletus, and I do love them. Some folks may feel bad for the chick with the bionic leg and want her to win, but I am always a fan of the team who seems the most real. If you’re a model or a beauty queen…or you have a degree from Harvard business school…you’re not real.

However…Rob & Kimberly…real. Real people do things like beg their taxi driver to speed up, saying they’re “Running for their lives.” I half-expected their driver to pull over to the side of the road, get out and explain to these two exactly what “running for their lives” means to a Chinese person…and it has nothing to do with dim sum at the Gold House. Criminy.

It’s pitch black when the teams reach the Forbidden City, and I am seriously going to tire of Lyn and Karlyn very quickly. They don’t need anyone except, I guess, someone to listen to their constant complaining. Maybe that’s why they’re such good friends.

Our first “big twist” of the season is the surprise booting of Team Allah, cutting our ongoing agony short by a full 45 minutes. McPhil explains, “I said there would be surprises. Even though this isn’t a pit stop…I’m sorry to tell you…you’ve both been eliminated from the race.” All of a sudden…Allah…not so great. Can’t complain, though. I would have been happy with one of about 5 teams going home this early in the race, but I’ll take Bilal & Sa’eed…now they can go back home and learn how to use chopsticks.

The awesome thing about this is it now forces all of the teams to be on their A game at all times. Previously, any time a team was down a bit, they always knew they had some time to make up - but not anymore. If you let up even the slightest…you could go home. Now, to really screw with the teams, they’ll probably go through four pit stops before the next elimination.

The next morning, our teams meet up with a local motorcycle gang, and proceed to the next cluebox.

Clue rip. Detour. Labor or Leisure. Thank God…by season ten the Amazing producers have finally caught on we already know each choice “has it’s own pros and cons.” Hmm…taiji bai long…or build a brick patio, with supplies furnished by IKEA. Seems most everyone is still practicing the “Let’s show everyone how strong we are, physically and mentally!” strategy, so they go for Labor. The cheerleaders though, think taiji bai long can’t be any different than choreographing a routine to an Aerosmith song. What they don’t realize is the succession of claps they were performing en route translates to “Follow this pedicab for a good time, very respected men of China!”

Rob & Kimberly - they’re so funny. I’m trying to figure out which book they read that said if you start or end each sentence with the word “Babe,” then somehow what you’ve just said isn’t nearly as nasty or mean as it would have been without.

A full 20 minutes was spent on this Detour before the teams head to the real challenge of the day…scaling The Great Wall of China. See what another Emmy win will get you? The ability to let people of all races, colors, religions, literacy levels and sexual orientations scale one of the Eighth Wonders of the World. Take that Burnett, with your pedantic rice jokes and derivative deserted islands.

This week’s Amazing Quote is brought to us courtesy of Peter, who is pumping up teammate/customer/maybe girlfriend RoboSarah so much he completely sends them in the wrong direction:

Sarah - you are my girl! You are solid! You are conditioned! You are an all-American, you are a world class athlete - OH GOD, THIS IS NOT IT, SARAH. OHHHHHHH CRIPES.

But…I know America was sitting on the collective edge it’s seat, waiting to see if RoboSarah would be able to make it up the Great Wall. Ya’ll knew she’d be able to do it, because if they were to come in last, we wouldn’t be able to experience Peter’s great direction-following skills in the next leg of the race. “Sarah - you are the best! I am so proud to have you as my partner! OH GOD, I THOUGHT THE CLUE SAID FLY TO HOME, NOT ROME! OHHHHHHH CRIPES.”

And somewhere…during all of this…Heroin Chic hit the mat first and won $20,000 from McPhil. Wow. As I say every season, guess we’re not in KodakEasyShareKansas anymore, Toto. Vipul & Arti, the one team I really liked but because they have no spark, honestly had no chance of winning…hit the Mat of Judgment last and are sent home. Amazing journey, wouldn’t have traded it for anything…whoopdedoo.

I know this recap was all over there…but I haven’t done this in awhile and need to get my snark back on - plus, like everything else, it was the first night. I never get going until episode three.

On the next episode of The Amazing Race, Rob & Kimberly enter the second phase of Mad Coupledom…and many, many animals run amok! See you next week!