I heart the holidays…

It’s really cold outside…really…cold. A few days ago, when Arctic Blast ‘06 started showing up on forecasts, all of the local weathermen down here pulled out their dictionaries so they could come up with clever alliterative phrases like, “Canadian Crusher”. CU offered up The Connecticut Clipper, but I told him the storm was coming from the other corner of the country, and Connecticut Clipper sounded like a cruise ship.

Other names we batted back and forth…Canadian Combine, Alliterative Alaskan Arcticitdy, Snarky Snowstorm…and Captain Thundersleet and the Sorcerer’s Stone.

Allow me to post some visual aids…yesterday afternoon:

And this morning:

Other than the Saskatchewanian Suicide Snow Mission, nothing to really report. I think today is one of those non-blog days, unless any of you want to tell me what exactly “festive holiday attire” is. We just received a communique from the mothership in Florida, and the attire for this weekend’s party has been changed from “cocktail attire” to “festive holiday attire.”

I so badly want to wear a Christmas sweater with those pompom snowball thingies now.

Office holiday parties are really, really strange. I have fond memories of my office party deflowering, when I was in college. One of my co-workers hit on the president of the company, then threw up all over the dance floor. Ah, good times. I suspect this is why they didn’t invite the temps the next year.

Over the years, I learned that “cocktail attire” means different things to different people at an office party. When I worked in California, we had people show up in Wranglers and plaid shirts, complaining they shouldn’t be expected to buy “fancy clothes” because they didn’t make enough money. Another year, one of the administrative assistants showed up dressed like a Love Boat spokesmodel.

You know that general piece of advice about how you shouldn’t get totally drunk at the holiday party? I had managers and directors who didn’t get that memo.

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Seriously, I have lost all sense of time and place over the last few days, what with the holiday and my husband and mom being around more than they usually are.

I knew it wasn’t a weekend though, because Northpark was a veritable ghost town when we went there today.

I have to ask…if any of you out there have ever worked retail, why would you act all suck-uppy and helpful out on the floor, but once you’ve gotten me tucked into a dressing room and I’m standing there in various stages of undress, never bother to come back to check on me? I walked out of three stores today with nothing, specifically because the salesgirls sucked. Don’t say, “My name is Lola, should you need anything,” then disappear for ten minutes…because nothing bugs me more than having to put all my clothes back on just to walk four feet to yell, “HEY LOLA - DO YOU HAVE THESE TWEED PANTS IN A TWELVE PETITE?”

I wasn’t mean to anyone, and I wasn’t snitty…until I had this same experience at Ann Taylor, Ann Taylor Loft and J.Jill. Snarkwife’s still in bed, recovering from too much wine and too much stuffing on Thanksgiving, so I know she wasn’t responsible for giving anyone the evil eye before it was due. I was just looking for a top and some pants to wear to my company holiday party this weekend. Sniff.

In good shopping news though, CU had his very own shopping stalker at Brooks Brothers - his salesperson followed him around like a giddy puppy, and was more than happy to help him check out after he’d selected a rugby shirt. We’re planning on going back in a couple of weeks to pick this up for my sister-in-law, because nothing says “I love you” at Christmastime like unsolicited parenting advice.

As my preliminary holiday gift to you, I will share with you what our server at P.F. Chang’s said to us as we were finishing up lunch:

“You know what song has been going through my head all day? The theme song from Sanford & Son.”

And by the way, no one had the pants in a twelve petite…not even P.F. Chang’s.

Invariably, when I post something like this I get a comment from someone who says, “At least it’s not 21 degrees where you are…” or, “That’s not cold!” I understand this. I lived in Wisconsin as a child.

For me though, a high of 41 degrees is cold.

Update:

Well, the poo hit the fan last night on Grey’s Anatomy, in what I would say was the least festive episode of the show ever. The events which unfolded were reminiscient of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. It certainly wasn’t last Thanksgiving’s warm & fuzzy “They Call Me PRESTON Burke” show.

Everything went wrong, everyone was betrayed, Izzie couldn’t seem to keep her big mouth shut (which part of Bailey’s instructions are unclear?), Addison & Alex shared a really weird flirtation and Cristina finally came clean on the 3,547 unethical things she and Burke have done since he was cleared for surgery. Funny, I think if the two of them actually robbed a bank, that would still wind up being the least of their problems.

All we needed was Mrs. Chief to show up, hands on hips, exclaiming, “Where’s the turkey, Chuck? Where’s the mashed potatoes?”

And is it just me, or is every woman on that show contractually obligated to have fantastic hair? All we saw of Dr. Hahn last season was her competitive, big mouth and a variety of surgical caps during Iron Surgeon: America (”Welcome to Surgery Stadium! The Chairman has decided today’s secret surgery is…cardiomyopicardoditisectomy!” ) last season then all of a sudden…she has flowing, wavy hair and is spouting off wisdom to Cristina while Blackberrying something back to the mother ship. Huh?

I do have a serious question…for you fellow eagle-eye viewers…when Cristina showed up at Burke’s apartment at the end, before he slammed the door in her face, I saw a framed photo of a blonde on a nightstand…who was that? It kinda…sorta…looked like…Dr. Hahn. That would be perfect - Johns Hopkins arch-rivals by day, bedmates by night.

My punchline: Because some numbnut doesn’t know how to park, and took up both of the remaining parking spaces.
The real punchline: Because it was the chicken’s day off.

Well, the wheels are in motion for Thanksgiving…the food is bought, the guest bedroom has been upgraded, a pie and a cake will be going into the oven tonight…and Mama Snark will be here tomorrow afternoon.

As if things couldn’t get any better, we’re pulling the shorts back out since it’s supposed to be eighty degrees. Yahoo.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours…maybe I can talk Mama Snark into providing a little input into Friday’s edition of Audiosnarking.

CU and I are huge fans of How I Met Your Mother - it’s definitely on our “must watch when it originally airs” list.

Last night’s episode centered around this “big secret” Robin had, which resulted in a serious aversion to malls. Barney thought she was involved in porn…wait for it…ography (what that had to do with malls, I still don’t know), whereas Marshall thought she got married at a mall in Canada at a young age and was still married…and Lily was the Slap Bet Commissioner…guess you had to be there.

Anyway, turns out Robin’s big secret was…wait for it…she was a Canadian teen pop star. No joke. Robin Sparkles was a cross between Debbie Gibson and Alanis Morissette on You Can’t Do That On Television…with a little Degrassi Junior High thrown in for good measure.

Her video was fantastic, and I aboot spit out my wine when I saw a Benetton store in the background. A little Esprit, and it would have been retro nostalgia nirvana. At one point I told CU that, based on Robin’s clothes and hair and the pop-y music, there was no way Robin was in her late twenties…she’d have to be closer to my age. Within about thirty seconds of me saying that, Marshall asks Robin why, if the video was made in the mid-90s, does it look like 1987? I swear, it’s like, I think it…and they say it. You’d be amazed how often that happens. Robin replies that the Eighties came late to Canada…love that.

If you want to see something truly hilarious, check out the Official Robin Sparkles MySpace Page to see her breakthrough video, “Let’s Go To The Mall” in it’s entirety.

Best episode of the season, slappy hands down.

Look! Rachael Ray has a holiday CD!

It includes such hits as:

• I Saw Mommy Kissing Paula Deen
  
• All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Santoku Knives
• Bacon-Wrapped Christmas
• Jingle Sammies
• Giada, Did You Know?
• The Thirty Minutes of Christmas

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Me and Dell

Originally uploaded by snarkwife.

CU and I had such a great time at the Mavs game last night and it was fantastic seeing Dell, since we hadn’t seen each other in nearly a year and a half.

It’s one thing to email and instant message each other, but it’s always fun to actually be able to interact. Wine and the dessert cart were added plusses!

Thanks for sharing my birthday with me…and now…I can put up my holiday theme, as the holidays have officially begun! The tree must wait until next weekend, though. Mom will be here to help with that…those should be some sweet photos, as we negotiate with our new 9′ artificial tree.

Ugh…is it my birthday again already? I really can’t complain too much, though - I have my health, a sexy husband (who’s actually around this year) and disturbingly cute doggies.

What else could a girl want except, maybe, tickets to CU’s company’s suite to see the Mavericks play tonight…oh, wait…got those too. Hee.

Here’s the big question - at what age does ’snarky’ become just ‘old and cranky’? 37?

For all you aficionados of The Office out there…how utterly painful was last night’s episode to watch? My heart literally ached when Michael had everyone go outside and instead of Jim stopping at Pam’s desk to walk out with her, he walked out with Karen. Karen! Abbondanza! Just a weird and awkward episode - Jim and Pam sitting at the table in the conference room, but then he turns around so Karen can give him a stick of gum. Jim can’t get together for coffee because he’s “still unpacking”…but then makes a date with Karen.

Sure he was honest with Pam…and to be fair, she’s the one who sort of nipped whatever they may have eventually had in the bud…but the worst part…the worst part…is I like both Pam and Karen. GAH! It’s like watching Rachel and Ross and Emily and Julie and Mona.

Favorite line of the night - Karen saying, “Who’s Bob Vance?” and Phyllis snottily replying, “You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie.”

As far as the state of everyone at Seattle Grace…we’re back to dark and twisty…well, except for Izzie and Alex. Izzie and Alex entertain themselves by talking in the third person. Stacy thinks that’s very funny.

Sam’s First Christmas

Originally uploaded by snarkwife.

You get a picture of my 4-month old nephew. Isn’t he just scrumptious?

Thanks, Kristen.

Originally uploaded by snarkwife.

There are two sides to my personality - the Snarkwife side, and the Stacy side. Sometimes they struggle, because Snarkwife thinks Stacy can be a real stick-in-the-mud, and Stacy thinks Snarkwife needs to exercise a little restraint and cut stupid people some slack because really, they can’t help the way they are. Allow me to share an example.

As today is the third Thursday in November, I drove to our local World Market at lunch to buy my holiday supply of Beaujolais Nouveau. This is always a festive time, especially since she and I plan on doing a virtual wine tasting as soon as she can get her supply. So, I’m hobbling around World Market with my 6 bottles in my wine carrier and get in line to pay. There’s a woman in front of me who is buying just about every cake, cookie and salty chip-type product that could fit into her cart, and behind me is a woman with a candy bar. One candy bar.

Now, I’m used to the particular checkout woman working today, because whenever I show up with one of the 800 coupons World Market sends me, she always acts befuddled, like this is the first time anyone has brought a 40%-off coupon for her to process. Maybe she needs to get on her own company’s email newsletter list. Weird.

Anyway, the line starts to grow, so she calls for backup. No one responds to her intercom plea for help, and she leaves and goes to the back - I assume, to kick someone’s ass for leaving her alone with the impatient, toe-tapping lunchtime crowd. While she’s gone, Ms. Low-Carb in front of me attempts small talk by looking at me and saying, “That’s a lot of wine.”

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So, I guess Emmitt Smith’s “Please Leprechaun Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em” gimmick worked, because he was crowned the Dancing With The Stars champion last night, joining an exclusive club which also boasts Drew Lachey and Kelly Monaco. Impressive company, indeed.

While I do agree that Emmitt may be the “nicer” guy, or the “cuter” guy, or just more “the guy” than Mario Lopez…Mario was clearly the superior dancer. But, as I’m sure we can all agree, America doesn’t always go for “best.” I did feel bad for Karina, though. The expression on her face after finding out she and Mario didn’t win fell somewhere between getting ready to cry and an primal need to tackle Emmitt to the ground and tear the tin foil trophy out of Two-Time Champion Cheryl Burke’s hands. It really was sad.

We also watched Day Break…all two hours of it or, three iterations of the same day. For those of you used to watching 24, it lasted…two hours. For those of you who watch Lost, it lasted six days. We enjoyed it - but I have to say, it’s hard on me to watch Taye Diggs get the crap kicked out of him and get shot over and over and over and over. Nevertheless, I will be more than happy to watch the show for an hour a week, because I need to know that he and Rita will live long enough to exact revenge on Rita’s ex.

Oh - that “Lost Nugget” we’re promised every episode of Day Break until Lost returns in February? What a disappointment…all we saw was Charlie yelling at Desmond. How come folks like Eko have to die, but we’re still stuck with Charlie?

I remember back when I started blogging…I had a tough time getting motivated because I wasn’t a huge fan of how my blog looked. It just wasn’t inspirational, you know? Didn’t make my blood flow with snarkiness.

Things were headed that way again, so I decided to get myself an early birthday present, to tide me over while I learned the fine art of CSS (turns out I just needed this, but anyhoo… ). I sent an email to Peggy over at Ciao! My Bella! and baddaboom baddabing…here we are. I also have a holiday theme, but I won’t be rolling that out until a more appropriate time. Like I’ve always said, the earliest I can officially recognize the holidays is the day after my birthday.

So, things will probably change a bit around here while I install some extra plug-ins and try not to break what Peggy has built.

Go Mario!

I have to talk about Dancing With The Stars for a second because gosh, I don’t know who I want to win. It was easy last season. This season, I love Emmitt, but I think Mario is the better dancer. And, I had to agree with Adelle when she IM’d me that Emmitt’s green shoes were definitely a fashion don’t.

My grandma and aunt are rooting for Emmitt…I think I’m going to have to go with Mario. Maybe if he wins, he’ll get a whole week named after him in Chula Vista and I can finally get the Fafarazzi points I’ve been waiting for, when he and Karina go public.

And lucky me, I am officially “laid up.” My toe is most definitely sprained and fortunately, I don’t have to drive anywhere today. I have my trusty nursemaid Cookie literally at my side, and Daisy is laying under the coffee table, licking her paw. She must be on a break.

I think I sprained the middle toe on my right foot. Too bad I can’t file for workers’ comp, since I was on my way into my office to get a phone call when the “incident” occurred. That sounds better than, “I was on my way into my office to check my Fafarazzi score.”

The wind was so knocked out of me that I dropped my MacBook, which I was also transporting back into my office. Ironically, before I checked my toe, I checked to make sure my laptop still worked. Priorities, you know.

Also…you know you’ve successfully re-entered the blogosphere when the spam starts coming in. Fortunately, Akismet is catching it all…so far. I’ve missed you, Mr. Insurance.

Looks like I have another slot available now in my weekly TV schedule…

milk in a wine glass
the devil wears gabrielle
desperate hausfrau

lock up your daughters
it’s not like my boobs were out
didn’t bring a shirt

mommy, were you shot?
new show next season, the eight
fight with a hobo

designing woman
disinfectant, lime jello
break bread, who says that?

grounded forever
cookies, lemonade perhaps?
bad cop, not so bad

don’t lie to me, prune
might want to clean off that wrench
sexy leather boots

Jeopardy! - Celebrity Island kicked off this past Wednesday, and to say it has been entertaining thus far would be a gross understatement. Here’s the premise: three celebrities (of varying degrees of fame) come on stage and play the game. The winner gets $50k for his or her chosen charity; the two others get $25k for their charities…so overall, it’s a win-win and philanthropy saves the day.

CU asked that I tape the shows, so we could watch them in the evening. The great thing about Jeopardy! is if you fast-forward through the commercials and skip over the inane chit-chat, you can blow through the whole thing in about 17 minutes. Perfect for those evenings when you don’t have any half-hour comedies left in the DVR, but you can’t quite sit down for a whole episode of Studio 60.

Wednesday’s episode was a hoot. The three players were Carson Kressley, Nancy Grace and Regis Philbin. Overall impressions…Carson’s infinitely more intelligent than you’d think given his on-screen persona, Nancy seems thinner behind a large desk and Regis can’t seem to dial down his on-screen persona for a mere 21 minutes. We were laughing at how absurdly simple the questions were to which CU added, “Well, it is ‘celebrity’ Jeopardy!”

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Wooooweee it’s chilly this morning!

When I got up, I started up the fireplace (love saying that, given the memories of how it took 2 hours to get a fire going when I was a kid) and reflected for about a minute about how I used to be scared to death of lighting the gas logs in a fireplace.

When Mom lived down here near me and before I had met CU, I’d pack up the doggies and we’d go to Grandma’s for a slumber party. She has a gas fireplace and would ask me if I wanted to turn it on (obviously, during the winter)…I always declined, because the thing terrified me. What if when the lighter hit the gas, the whole house exploded?

That’s the kind of glass-half-empty person I am…I also think if I’m on a plane and we have too much luggage, when the plane tries to take off everything will slide to the back and the plane’s backend will drag along on the tarmac and we’ll wind up crashing or at least totally scraping up the underside.

Anyway, when I turned on the fireplace without really giving it a second thought, I realized I had conquered that fear. Once in awhile, it will give me a particularly impressive WHOOOOOOOOOOSH which makes me jump back a few inches but for the most part, that “fear of the unknown” has passed, which is good. Got me to thinking about other things I’ve feared in my life, and whether or not I’ve conquered them - and what helped me to conquer them.

So here’s a list…in no particular order. Feel free to add your own conquered fears in the comments, or in your own blog.

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We have a very exciting weekend planned…I have a nail appointment, then we’re hitting Williams-Sonoma for some holiday non-essentials, World Market to use our surprise 25% off coupon, buy a down comforter and then buy a new bed! YAY!

OH - we’re also going to Lowe’s and/or Home Depot to partake in the 10% discount for all military personnel this holiday weekend. I swear, I’m all about the discounts.

Then…we might partake in a little wine-tasting...and since it’s actually verging on, dare I say it, chilly today…I think I’ll also finalize the Thanksgiving menu. Did I mention my mom is coming down for a few days?

I’d also like to go to the movies…and as much as I hate to say it, it’s time to finalize my Christmas shopping lists. I remember last year, because I had to have CU’s presents shipped out so early, everyone else’s gifts were mailed out the Monday after Thanksgiving. It was great as far as reducing stress during December, but ironically, it also gave me absolutely nothing to do the entire month of December.

And, I guess I will be catering to Mr. Veterans Day.

Anyhoo…what are you all doing this weekend?

Update:  Our new bed is being delivered on November 24…a good 6-8 weeks ahead of schedule!  I’m thrilled because (a), this means we’ll only have to sleep on a mattress on the floor for a week, (b), Mom will be here to see it and (c) - we’re getting a new bed!  YAY! 

It’s amazing what you can do when you sit down with a cup of coffee and actually take the time to crank out a post about the previous night’s television. Feels good. I should do this more often.

Peek inside for Grey’s and The Office.

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As of today, Capt. UberHusband has been home from his “semesters abroad” in Iraq for six months. Six months. It seems now like he never left, which sounds as strange as it feels. Well, I shouldn’t say it seems like he never left. The other night on TV they showed that MasterCard commercial with the cute animated house and the “Turkey dinner with all the trimmings - $76; A full house - priceless” copy, and I oohed and aahed over how much I like that commercial. CU said he’d never seen it. Whoops - forgot he wasn’t here last holiday season.

Anyhoo, this seemed like a good time to tell you the story of his homecoming, since I hadn’t made it out of my blog funk yet at that point and was still on hiatus.

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I haven’t talked much about Lost this season - like so many returning shows, I’ve had a tough time getting back into it. I know, I know - there are those of you out there who think it’s the BEST SEASON EVER! and all that, or, you think the show keeps jumping the same shark and are sort of hoping The O.C. will start slapping it around a bit on Wednesday nights.

Nevertheless, as last night’s ep was the last new one until…gulp…February, I figured it was time to chime in with my thoughts:

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As per the mecca of all that is glorious, US Weekly…

Federline spent Monday being followed around by a new crew from MuchMusic, shilling for his new album, and happily praising his wife as his “number one fan.” When he received the news via BlackBerry that Britney had filed for divorce that day , he became visibly upset, asked to take off his mic, left for a half hour with several friends, and returned looking troubled.

I so know what he’s feeling. On November 1, 1985, I was notified on the way to school (on the bus, no less) by a third party that my boyfriend of a whopping six weeks dumped me the night before. No fancy-schmancy text messaging to depersonalize the brutal bearing of bad news back then. I became visibly upset, asked to take off my mic, left for a half hour with several friends, and returned looking troubled.

Other than the two kids and a prenup (sounds like a good title for a new CBS comedy next season), I really don’t think their breakup is any different than the one I experienced in the ninth grade.

I’m sitting here in my office, watching the usual caravan of kids walking home from school and am wondering…when did moms start carrying their kids’ backpacks?

I just saw a woman riding a bicycle, trying to balance three full backpacks while not falling over and spilling everything onto our street. Meanwhile, her kids are running around in circles in the middle of the street, carefree as butterflies. I swear, I was born about 30 years too late. My mean mom made me carry all my own stuff.

Now she’s talking to our next-door neighbor, and he’s pointing at our house. Great.

I did get today’s date right in this one…
[audio:audiosnarking110806.mp3]

Is there someone in your life who values her (or his, I suppose) personal vanity over paying the electric bill? If so, have I got the gift for you..that’s right folks, it’s Lumatweez…lighted tweezers!

Here are just a few of the literally, 986 benefits of this amazing product!

• Lighted magnification
• Precision tweezers
• Never slips (which is great, because you wouldn’t be able to find them in the dark, anyway)
• Stainless steel
• Easily removes ingrown hairs and stubble!

So this holiday season, if your friends and loved ones are sitting in the dark (sorry, Lumatweez will not work if your friends and family are figuratively “in the dark”), lighten and brighten their lives with the most thoughtful gift of all…the gift of Lumatweez!

From: CNN Breaking News
Date: Nov 7, 2006 4:09 PM
Subject: CNN Breaking News
To: TEXTBREAKINGNEWS@cnnimail12.cnn.com

– Britney Spears files for divorce from her husband Kevin Federline, citing irreconcilable differences.

Is that what they’re calling 20/20 hindsight now…irreconcilable differences?

And I swear, she did this because she figured Faith Hill and Nancy Pelosi shouldn’t be getting all the media attention today.

My company relies heavily on the use of instant messenger…since none of us work together in an actual office. We don’t have the luxury (yes, I see it as a luxury after not having it the past 2 1/2 years) of walking over to someone’s cube and asking a question or getting clarification on something.

So, if I am having a virtual conversation with someone…I consider it incredibly rude to just…disappear in the middle of it. Would you do that in real life? If we were talking face-to-face, would you just turn around and leave without saying “Thanks” or something to that effect? Better yet, what if you were on the phone with a co-worker? If she explained something to you, would you just set the phone down and walk away? Or rather, assuming you didn’t hate each other, would you just set the phone down and walk away?

I don’t think I’m going out on a limb when I say…you probably wouldn’t.

And, here’s where I get crabby and craggy again…I don’t respond to people at work who write like this: “Can u chk into this, pls? Thx.” YOU…not “u.” No one is so busy they can’t write a freaking complete sentence. Kids these days…you know those Millenials…they have an over-inflated sense of self-importance, have been over-indulged and expect everyone else in the workplace to conform to their way instead of the other way around.

Back in my day…my formative professional days of yesteryear, we were dressed down and slapped around if we didn’t write professionally.

Grumble grumble. I think I need a stiff shot of something and a nap.

Or…better yet…I’ll start speaking to them in my own language - we’ll call it Snarkrish. If I am addressed with any phrasings or odd combinations of letters which my brain interprets to be text-message-speak, I’ll respond with something equally confusing to them like, “Pong carol seaver reaganomics richard simmons shoulder pads knight rider.”

If you haven’t seen Borat on The Daily Show…here you go.

The part where he tells Jon Stewart he must have had plastic surgery because his horns appear to have been removed…hilarious!

The movie was so damn funny last night; although I must say…if I were a 17-year old girl there with my 17-year old boyfriend, I would have been mighty embarrassed. Mighty embarrassed.

I defer to Jordan McDeere from Studio 60 when answering questions about how she chooses what to put on her network: “I ask myself three things - would my kids watch it, would my grandparents watch it, and would I watch it. If the answer to one of those is ‘Yes,’ I put it on” - or something to that paraphrased effect.

Borat meets the “answer to two of those is ‘yes’” criteria. Be advised, and don’t say you weren’t warned. I will not advise my mom watch this, lest she spend all 82 minutes trying to pick her jaw up off the theater floor.

And…don’t forget to vote! Before the dean at U.C. Santa Barbara handed me my diploma that foggy June morning in 1993, I had to take an oath to always vote on election day, and to always advise other people to do so - because it’s an amazing and wonderful thing to live in a country where even a guy like this can run for governor of the great state of Texas.

CU and I are going to see Borat tonight…I can’t wait.

I was at the gym this morning, and Matt Lauer was interviewing Borat…oh my God…it was so funny…and then I literally bursted into laughter when he asked Matt where he could find the good prostitutes. I knew things would pick up as soon as Katie left.

To: CBS Programming Executives
From: Snarkwife
RE: The Amazing Race

I haven’t heard very much from the entertainment and news outlets about how The Amazing Race is doing in the ratings this year, but to be fair, it’s sort of hidden away in the 8 ET/7CT wasteland on Sunday nights.

If I might be so bold as to say…what were you thinking? As much as I have loved watching Cletus and Brandine over the past several weeks, and was crushed when they were sent home last night…I was flipping back and forth between the end of TAR and the beginning of Desperate Housewives. I’m sure the hacks that work in your Demographics and Ratings departments don’t want to hear that.

Plus, it’s getting increasingly annoying flipping over to CBS at 7 p.m. and having to look at Steve Kroft’s craggy mug. Don’t even get me started on Old Man Rooney.

I really do think the quickest way to diminish momentum for a reality show (an Emmy-winning reality show, no less) is to stick it in a timeslot which pretty much guarantees it won’t ever start on time due to long-running football games.

You would probably be doing everyone a favor by truncating 60 Minutes so The Amazing Race could start on time. Does anyone really care anymore if Russell Crowe thinks he has a temper problem? That’s what I had to wade through last night before I could listen to people butcher the pronunciation of Mauritius a little bit more.

It’s sort of a moot point now though, because we’re approaching the end of the season…but if I may play Armchair Vice President of Programming for a minute…put The Amazing Race back on Tuesdays, but make sure it doesn’t compete with Dancing With The Stars.

recurring dream
that is what i did, nothing
mary alice, you okay?

many excuses
sprinkle salt, gets out red wine
i pushed, and she fell

and that top makes three
no mercy for the sleazy
adios, nora

cleanup, aisle six
tish, turn on your damn tv
desperate, indeed

save on bubble wrap
need a window right there
remodel the house

party at bree’s house
cocktails and some bruschetta
awful…deviled egg?

Different day, different theme. Blogexplosion denied my blog because the blue snowflake theme didn’t render properly in Internet Explorer. I never use IE but when I tested it…sure enough…the frames were all out of whack.

Let me say it again…themes shouldn’t be released into the wild unless they display properly in both Firefox and IE.

That is all…until I figure out how to get one of these themes to not wig out.

That Flickr “take a picture of yourself every day for a year” thing didn’t really work out for me…so let’s try something new…NoBloShoeMo!

Of course, I’m also seeing this as a prime opportunity to buy new shoes - contrary to popular belief, we work-from-homers (d’oh!) don’t pad around in bare feet all day. That’s only during the summer.

This is the inaugural edition of “Audiosnarking”…hosted by…me.

Ignore the part when I refer to today as “November 4″ - got a little ahead of myself, literally.

[audio:audioblogging110406.mp3]

It’s Stale Betty’s birthday!  Before ya’ll take off for the weekend, meander on over and wish her a Happy Birthday - because she may be a year older, but she just seems to get fresher.

In other news…here’s a phrase I hope to never hear again:  “temporary Nascar civilization.”  Avoid the Texas Motor Speedway this weekend, unless you’re a fan of traffic.  Just an FYI.

Last night I had these ambitious plans to do a little audiosnarking this morning, completely forgetting I had to go back in to get my permanent crown “seated.” I prefer the word “installed,” but according to Dr. Kim, “seated” is the correct terminology.

So I’m back home now, and quite numb again. Dr. Kim confirmed it was probably the gallon of anesthetic she pumped into the left side of my face which caused that massive bruising…fingers are crossed the pint she put in there today won’t metamorphose into a beautiful shade of purple by tomorrow afternoon.

So, since I look and talk like a stroke victim, there will be no audiosnarking today. I’ll try again tomorrow.

Oh - and for the record, I am 0-for-whatever on guessing who will die on Lost. I must be the most naive person on Earth, because it seems the rest of the show’s fan base sees everything coming from a mile away, while I am left by myself in shock and amazement during minute 58 uttering things like, “Wow, I figured for sure it would be Benry!”

Lifted from him.

Rules: Randomly list 9 people, preferably people you know. Do not read the questions below the list until you create your list. After your list of 9 people is complete, go back and answer each question, referencing your list.

My list:

1. Capt. UberHusband
2. Jana
3. Laurel
4. Ali
5. Lynn
6. Adelle
7. Rose
8. Larry
9. Linda

(more…)

“Widgetized” Wordpress themes available for download, which aren’t really widgetized. Oh sure, you can maybe add in one widget - but the rest of them result in your display being all out of whack. I get this is just probably a simple CSS fix, but shouldn’t these changes be made before you turn the end product live?

Or, maybe that’s just how software products are developed in my little world.

Grrrr.

This theme isn’t much better…the date seems to randomly not display for certain posts.

It really takes a lot to offend me, but I was wound up by this - because apparently, according to Kerry’s botched punchline logic, my husband’s finance degree from Tulane didn’t make him smart enough to stay out of Iraq.

WASHINGTON (CNN) — President Bush joined GOP lawmakers Tuesday in blasting Sen. John Kerry for telling a group of college students they could either work hard in school or “get stuck in Iraq.”

“Even in the midst of a heated campaign season, there are still some things we should all be able to agree on, and one of the most important is that every one of our troops deserves our gratitude and respect,” Bush said.

Kerry told reporters in Seattle, Washington, that the remark was a “botched joke” meant to target the president, not U.S. troops.

You know, had he made the same comment to a group of middle-America housewives, or to a group of retirees, this would have been a whole different ballgame, in my opinion. But, you can’t tell me Mr. Kerry wasn’t trying to instill a little gloom-and-doom into a captive audience of impressionable college students.

Moron. I’m so glad I didn’t vote for him.

Okay, I forgive you. Never mind.

When the high temperature drops below 64 degrees around here, I break out the winter themes.