Lifted from Cheeky Prof:

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
Kicked someone off a project team at school.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I can’t remember and…probably.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
None other than the good old USA.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
More patience, but I don’t know if that’s going to happen.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
May 9 (CU had been back from Iraq for a year)…that’s about it. This wasn’t that eventful of a year, fortunately.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting all A’s the first two semesters back in my MBA program.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I’ve been thinking about this one for an hour…and I can’t think of any - probably because I’m not much of a risk-taker, so my chances of failure are usually pretty small.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Bursitis in my hip (fun one, found that out today) and a rather nasty bout of the flu.

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• Don’t take my tech job, but you can have my baby: Giving Birth Becomes the Latest Job Outsourced to India
• Letterman, Leno & Conan - Back on Wednesday
• One man’s trash is literally, another man’s art: Man Keeps Year’s Worth of Garbage In Apartment
• 3 Dogs Inherit $800,000 Estate

Capt. UberHusband and I have a very exciting night ahead of us. First we’re going to go to the gym. After we come back I’m going to tackle level 21 of Diner Dash and then we’re going to get ourselves gussied up and head out to dinner at Roy’s. After that we’re coming back home, cracking open a bottle of champagne and trying to stay awake until midnight.

Our next-door neighbor has invited us over to her place once we get back from dinner…she and one of her couple-friends are ringing in the new year with a dart board, a pool table and alcohol. Sounds interesting, but considering it’s supposed to be about six degrees by the time we get home, the walk over there might be more than I can bear. Tomorrow consists of sitting around, watching TV, and the traditional all-day grazing with Snarkwife’s Holiday Crab Dip. The stuff is awesome. Mama Snark made it when I was growing up, and I am proud to continue with her legacy.

Oh, I am so ready for Blog 365. I already have 360 posts drafted, queued up, and ready to go. Kidding.

Happy New Year to all of you…have fun and stay safe tonight!

2007 DMN Texan of the Year: The Illegal Immigrant

If I move to…let’s say Australia…to work and live but am a US citizen, that doesn’t make me an Aussie.

But…I am happy to report there is, in fact, a little justice in the world.

Hannah Montana essay winner a fake - Yahoo! News

Not so proud to be a citizen of the great state of Texas this morning…this story has been all over the local media outlets, and it now looks like Yahoo! News has picked it up as well.

I love her defense:

“We did the essay and that’s what we did to win,” Priscilla Ceballos, the mother, said in an interview with Dallas TV station KDFW. “We did whatever we could do to win.”

Local news reports expanded on this quote, with Ms. Ceballos adding that no one ever asked her if the story was true. Seriously, that’s what she said.

If I could track down this woman and smack her, I would. Oh, I’d also make sure my husband - WHO ACTUALLY SERVED AS A SOLDIER IN IRAQ - was right there next to me, cheering me on.

Grumble, *&#*$#*$#!, grumble.

Mmm…tasty!

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There’s a scene towards the end of That Thing You Do! when Mr. White is admonishing Jimmy Mattingly’s insistence that he be able to record his songs, rather than continue on the Play-Tone Peoplemover of Fame. It goes something like this:

Jimmy: We do my songs, or we don’t record anything. You got that, White?

Mr. White: Okay, Jimmy. I was looking forward to working with you.

Jimmy: You know, you’re a liar, White. You’re a liar.

Mr. White: And you’re in a tough spot Jimmy, ’cause you didn’t read the Play-Tone contract which you yourself signed. Because, it says you will do what I say. And I say you cover these songs from the Play-Tone catalog. You’ll record “That Thing You Do!” in Spanish.

At the beginning of the holiday season, CU and I were driving around and I heard Elton John come on the radio singing, “Step Into Christmas,” which truly has to be one of the worst holiday songs ever. We talked about how Sir Elton had to have been strapped to a chair and forced to sing the song, or perhaps someone like Mr. White pointed out some sort of obligation which forced him into it.

Either way, “You’ll record ‘That Thing You Do!’ in Spanish” has become our catchphrase anytime we hear of someone doing something which really, you wouldn’t expect them to do unless (a) he or she was forced into it by a manager/agent who’s a stickler for contract details or (b) he or she was so hard up for money and/or publicity that they forced themselves into doing it.

With that, I am instituting…

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Cookie and Daisy got a box of Kung Fu Fido doggie fortune cookies from CU’s sister this Christmas and - no joke - the things look exactly like fortune cookies. I wondered if they tasted any better than the cookie tripe we generally get from our local Chinese restaurant, but when I saw the “made with real chicken liver!” sticker on the box, I took a pass on the taste test.

Regardless, the dogs loved them - and the cookies actually come with real fortunes. They’re really quite insightful:

• “The hardest thing in the world to understand is the tax code and any word other than “sit”.
• Confucius say, dog house-broken? Hire carpenter.

The best part? Think about it…someone actually has to sit at a desk and come up with these fortunes. How do I score that gig?

Christmas at casa de snark was wonderful, as usual. Although…I have to say, it doesn’t really matter if your home has one, two, or twenty people in it on Christmas day…it’s a tiring experience. Seriously - you’re going from the moment you wake up and by the time you get to the day after Christmas you vow that you will do things differently the next year. But really, you never do.

So now that we have that holiday under our belts, our sights are turned to New Year’s Eve. Ah…New Year’s Eve…the holiday full of interesting memories. I have loads. One particularly poignant one from 1995 (6?) involves a party with some friends, and ends with a now decade-long violent aversion to tequila. Another involves me going into the back alley behind the house and letting loose on one of our neighbors and his demon spawn child, because they had the balls to shoot off fireworks toward our backyard. This was annoying not only because we had a burn ban at the time, but because I was desperately trying to just sleep through freaking midnight when CU was in Iraq. I have another one from high school…I had a party…with confetti I created out of paper and a hole punch. I think I spent about six hours vacuuming it up the next day. Good times.

New Year’s Eves have become a little more subdued around here in recent years. Now it generally consists of dinner out and then a bottle of champagne back at home at midnight, but we’ve been invited to a party next door by the Non-Husband-Stealing Neighbor. We’ll take advantage of that after dinner…should be fun, and will give us a great opportunity to regift a few things. Oh, I’m sorry…did I say that out loud?

And of course, with the new year comes the inevitable questions about what your new year’s resolutions are. Are you one of those folks who sets lofty goals like, “I will lose fifteen pounds by January 15″ or do you set more reasonable goals like, “I’ll try to floss the day I go to the dentist?” Do you just pooh-pooh the whole concept, believing that resolutions are lame because no one ever meets any of them?

Or…do you decide to go all wickedly insane and vow to blog every day in 2008?

…and all through the house, all the creatures were stirring…especially my spouse. Heh.

Most of us have at least a few good Christmas memories, right? You know, the ones that you still remember 20, 30, 40 years later?

• When I was a little girl…2nd grade? Maybe it was 4th…not sure. Anyway, both of my parents were sick - really sick. That year they did get up with me at the crack of dawn long enough to open presents, then it was back to bed. Best Christmas ever…why, you ask? Because I had Spaghettios for Christmas dinner. I rocked.
• One Christmas when we lived in Wisconsin (I was somewhere between 3 & 6), I looked out our back sliding glass door on Christmas morning and saw reindeer tracks leading away from the door! Cool! Santa really did come to the house…or did he? Turns out he didn’t…but the end of a broom handle did.
• My first Christmas in my very own apartment - sans roommate. 1996. That was such a great year. I had this dinky little 4′ tree and a brand-new poodle puppy. Awww.
• Believe it or not, the year CU was in Iraq. I woke up Christmas morning, and he and I opened presents together courtesy of Yahoo Messenger and my webcam. I would have rather had him here, but that was the next best thing. The other thing I remember vividly - how I managed to get all of his Christmas presents arranged in one flat-rate Priority Mail box - it was like a wrapped game of Jenga.

I’d love to hear some of your favorite memories…or better yet, share them in your own blogs and get all of us in the Christmas spirit!

And…speaking of Christmas spirit…we figured out who sent us the cake. It was CU’s uncle. Mystery solved.

And…speaking of food…we are anxiously awaiting the Ninth Annual Christmas Eve Dinner Snarktacular this evening at The Melting Pot. Nothing says Christmas like stabbing little pieces of meat and cooking them yourself.

Merry Christmas…hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

CU and I received a fantastic cake last week - from Cakes by Jane - but we don’t know who sent it. I thought maybe our friends Jana and Vali sent it, but an email from Jana today confirmed they did not, in fact send us a cake. On the upside, we should be getting something from Wine.com soon!

We’ve gone through our list of the Usual Gift Suspects and have come up completely empty. Hopefully we can figure out who sent it, because I don’t want the giver thinking I’m a totally inconsiderate buffoon for not promptly thanking him or her.

Ah…now it looks more like Christmas around here. Nothing like a fresh theme to take us into the last week before Christmas, right?

On that note…and on the heels of my post about things which make it seem like the holidays, I wanted to toss out a few toys from my youth which made my heart go all aflutter:

• Lite-Brite
• Fashion Plates
• Legos
• Barbie and all of her related paraphernalia

One of my favorite Christmas gifts ever was a fantastic Barbie townhouse. Got it one of the Christmases we lived in Wisconsin…so I was little. It was three stories (about as tall as me, at the time) and had an elevator I could operate myself! With a piece of string! The inflatable furniture I got to go along with it was…quite trendy at the time? The only thing that place was missing was a macrame plant hanger, and maybe a fondue set.

The one thing I always wanted - but never got - was an Easy Bake Oven. I don’t know what it was about those things, but the thought of cooking by light bulb always sounded so fun. Sure, I could bake a cake in a real oven…but where’s the joy in that? I was never big into the whole Cabbage Patch doll thing…and of course, games for my Atari 2600 were always appreciated - like Pitfall. Oh, that Pitfall Harry - what a man.

What about you?

It’s Reveal Your Blog Crush Day…and I’ll admit, I just found out about it five minutes ago.

Having said that…my blog crush is…wait for it…wait for it…

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Dear Santa,

Thank you for delivering a few items yesterday for Capt. UberHusband to wrap today and put under the tree. Things were looking mighty one-sided under there for a bit, and I didn’t want to have to call Dr. Phil to remind CU that some women need to see presents under the tree for more than a week before Christmas.

By the by…Cookie has asked for a kitten for Christmas. I’m not sure where she’s going with that idea, but I think you should probably skip the kitten and get her a new bed.

While I’ve got you here, I’m making my grocery list and wanted to check on your wine and cheese preferences in lieu of cookies and milk this year. Would you rather go traditional with a nice cab, or live it up a bit with a zesty sangiovese? I assume you’re bringing your designated sleigh driver (I won’t tell anyone, don’t worry - your secret is safe with me)?

Let me know…see you in ten days!

Snarkwife

Mmm…tasty!

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Here’s the latest on which shows are finito and which still have a little life left.

Enough is enough, people. Let’s get our respective houses in order and put an end to the strike. I can’t bear four nights a week of American Idol and I sure as Hell am not going to be able to sustain myself on repeats of Law & Order: Fill In The Blank on USA.

The one show that has really given me that pit-feeling in my stomach though, is Lost. I’m beginning to think CU and I would have had a better shot at seeing those last eight episodes when we were actually in Hawaii three months ago.

I’ve been pondering the idea of bringing back beloved shows from yesteryear to try to squeeze a little more ad revenue out of them. With a serious lack of “family-friendly” television on the air now, what about repeats of Eight is Enough or my current fave, The Waltons? Think Tim Daly is the hottest thing on Private Practice? You should have seen him as a crack commuter airline pilot on Wings! And, I don’t know about you - but I think the world could use a Doogie Howser, M.D. revival.

Or…pick up HBO and Showtime and gorge yourself on Big Love, Entourage, Californication, and Weeds repeats.

Oh - for the record, I don’t watch Big Brother. Someone always tells me that’s “coming back” and truthfully, I don’t get the appeal. It’s sort of like The Real World, except the participants are grown adults who can’t use the ignorance of youth as an excuse for their behavior. But then again, I watch Bridezillas…so I suppose I shouldn’t be casting such big stones.

I was reading Women’s Health at the gym a couple of days ago (no, really) and a few of the magazine’s writers were asked what their favorite things were about the holiday season. I thought, “That would make a cool blog post.”

So, here’s my list:

• Christmas episodes of TV shows (think Roseanne, Little House on the Prairie, The O.C.)
• New wrapping paper
• Chocolate peppermintinis
• News reports about those weirdos who run up $1,000 electric bills with their outdoor light displays
• Going out shopping with CU, then pointing at things and saying, “THAT would make a good Christmas present. No wait, come back here - LOOK - that would make a good Christmas present. Did you hear me?“
• Looking at all the ornaments CU and I have acquired over the years
• Bitching about that horrible song, “Christmas Shoes”
• Opening *one* present on Christmas eve
• Christmas Eve dinner at The Melting Pot
• Watching Cookie and Daisy go all wiggy trying to get chewbones out of their stockings

What about you?

So - as soon as I turn in my team’s simulation write-up in half an hour (there’s a fun story behind that, too), I am officially done with the Fall semester and my Operations Management grade is out of my hands.

I took my final a little while ago and started sweating bullets when about halfway through the exam, I started hitting questions from a chapter which wasn’t in our syllabus. Chapter 14. We covered every chapter in the book but that one. I remember specifically mentioning to CU a couple of days ago that I thought it strange we skipped it but hey, that’s what the professor scheduled.

Needless to say, I panicked…because that’s what I do when I find myself woefully unprepared for something. I was having a tough enough time with the exam (BTW - people who think open book/open notes exams are easy are also on crack) - the last thing I needed was to have to learn about ERP and MRP on the fly.

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Finishing up my class…simulation write-up…final exam…

Back tomorrow…hopefully. Send oogly googly thoughts my way - the midterm was tough and I need to do well on the final to nail an A.

Mmm…tasty!

Appetizer
What was the last game you purchased?

Oh geez…I think it was the Millenium edition of Monopoly…back in 1999. Obviously, we’re not big game people.

Soup
Name something in which you don’t believe.

I don’t believe in the idea that people are always rewarded for hard work and innovative thoughts - sometimes, those things wind up being bigger liabilities than assets.

Salad
If you could choose a celebrity to be your boss, who would you pick?

Tom Hanks. I hear he’s fabulous to work for - tough, but he knows his business.

Main Course
What was a lesson you had to learn the hard way?

You can’t make people love you if they don’t - no matter how hard you try.

Dessert
Describe your idea of the perfect relaxation room.

This place…the open window on the other side faced the ocean, and the afternoon sun streams in and warms the room. Add some soothing “spa” music and a little aromatherapy…utter perfection.

The Twelve Days of Fafa
(sung to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”)

On the first day of Christmas, my Fafa gave to me…
a Fafa head, her name is Britney.

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But, we appreciate the shout-out, Amazon.com!

This is the seventh Christmas season for CU and I in our house (okay, technically it’s only CU’s sixth) and we have never done the holiday lights thing.

When we drive around in the evenings, we see so many truly horrific light displays that we always said we’d never do lights unless we could do them right.

This year though, we’re surrounded by lights. Our neighbors on both sides have them up…our neighbor across the street has them up, and the folks in the house kitty corner from us - well, they don’t really have lights up, they just have those awful red and green outdoor flood lights - but we can’t be the only ones not in the holiday spirit, you know?

Feeling rather Grinchy while surrounded by all of this festive spirit, we decided this would be the year we would do lights. We’re so glad we did. Ours is the best house on the block. Neener neener. I didn’t think we were terribly competitive, but I guess we are.

Heh. Just wait until we put up the new fence next month.

Someone asked me how the Billy Joel concert was…you remember, the one I was so excited about because I got tickets for my birthday? Well, we didn’t go. The asshat CU bought the tickets from on eBay never sent them. Nice. Didn’t respond to emails, phone calls…nothing. The guy had a 100% positive feedback rating but in recent weeks, we’ve discovered we’re not the only ones who were duped. Now the transaction is in the hands of the PayPal claims department. What a pain in the ass. But, the Dallas Morning News said it was a great concert.

• $1 iPhones - Enough said.
• Manolo Blahniks…for your man - Ooooooh…guess what Capt. UberHusband is getting this year!!
• Rick Springfield’s new Christmas CD - “You know I wish that I had Santa’s girl.” Okay, I’ll quit.
• The Christmas drinking glove - Friends don’t let friends drink cold.
• A flight on JetBlue - Because it’s an amazing airline which, I might add, doesn’t fly out of Dallas. Figures.
• The no-hands auto can opener - Although, I’m not quite sure why you’d be opening cans in your car.

Mmm…tasty!

Appetizer
What is your favorite carnival/amusement park ride?

I can’t stand carnival/amusement park rides…always convinced they’re so poorly maintained they’ll fall apart while I’m riding one.

Soup
How do you react in uncomfortable social situations?

I say something funny…unless something funny is what got me into the uncomfortable social situation to begin with.

Salad
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how much do you enjoy discussing deep, philosophical topics?

10…you should hear some of the things CU and I discuss while reading the Sunday paper.

Main Course
Did you get a flu shot this year? If not, do you plan to?

Ha…yes I did…and I got the flu this week, anyway. Go figure.

Dessert
Approximately how many hours per week do you spend watching television?

This is sort of embarrassing. At least four or five a day during the week…I guess about the same on weekends, depending on what we’ve got going on. So…five times five plus ten equals…35? Geez, kind of like a second full-time job.

• “My First Cocktail” lunch box - where was this when I was a kid?
• A cabinet that looks like a Wiimote - unfortunately, the house that looks like an actual Wii is on backorder until 2009.
• Men’s titanium bracelet - I have no idea why you would buy this for someone, but Amazon.com doesn’t charge tax and it does ship free with super saver shipping…?
• Mophie Mueva Wraptor acryllic
• case for 2G Shuffle - it’s the second “l” in “acryllic” which makes this a must-buy. The more l’s, the better the product.
• Helio Castroneves - because, well, he’s back on the market!

Oh good God almighty…what were those atrocities on Dancing With the Stars last night? And by atrocities, I mean “freestyle routines.” Now granted, I was laid up in bed with the worst flu symptoms I’ve ever experienced, but when Marie and Jonathan came on stage with “Start Me Up” with Marie in her weirdo Whatever Happened to Baby Jane getup, I thought the fever was causing me to cross over to the other side.

Mel and Maks were terrible, too…their avant-garde, experimental dancing routine was certainly…er…original, but I was left feeling…flush, and feverish. Oh, and achy, too. Damn flu.

Helio and Julianne were great and out of the three freestyle routines, theirs was clearly the best - but what does that really mean? Your two classmates failed the exam, but you got a C - you were the best out of the class!

Kind of a lame end to the season. If Marie wins though, well…I don’t know what I’m going to do. Maybe hope Donny will show up next season and get kicked off in the first round.

• A case of 1200 Starbucks cup sleeves - for the person who…brews his or her own Starbucks at home? Sadly, you can’t get the matching cups. I’d try Overstock.com for those.
• Coach lipstick…yes, you read that right!
• Hillary Clinton nutcracker…complete with sensible shoes
• Hello Kitty Electronic Toilet Paper Dispenser
• The Ex 5-piece Knife Set with Unique Holder - unique, indeed.

I skipped two days…other stuff going on. Back soon!

Thank you for nearly nine years of smiles and schloppy schnoozer kisses…enjoy the chewbone and the new squeak toy!

Love,
Momma, Daddy and - hesitantly, Cookie

Sure, it’s not a $299 laptop…but I think we’ve got something for just about everyone on your list below…don’t you think?

• ”I Met My Daddy On Maury” Onesie
• Hello Kitty Bluetooth headsets
• “I Heart Boxed Wine” t-shirt
  
• Wine bottle USB flash drive

We weren’t nuts enough to hit any of the 4 AM sales, but we did go out and do a bit of shopping (both for ourselves and for others) around 10 AM. Our favorite experience? We were at Macy’s to buy deeply discounted winter jammies for me, and were fortunate enough to find ourselves in the line with the sales clerk who had been there SINCE 5:45 AM and it was time for her LUNCH BREAK BUT NO ONE HAD SHOWN UP YET and when I greeted her when it was our turn (rather nicely, I might add) she did that, “Bbbbbpplllbbbppp” sound with her lips. Nice. While ringing up our TWO WHOLE ITEMS she also got on the phone, called the Mother Ship and asked when her lunch break relief employee was showing up. Happy friggin’ holidays to you too, lady.

We were at Tom Thumb to buy a bag of frozen dinner rolls and were checked out by a young man of…well, let’s just say it was non-Caucasian, non-Asian, non-Hispanic descent. CU and I were talking about Black Friday and the young man looked at me quizzically (suspiciously?) and asked me what Black Friday was. For half a second, I thought the kid thought I was going to respond with something along the lines of, “Black Friday is when folks like me take the day off, and folks like you have to work.” I felt guilty - even after we quickly and thoroughly explained what Black Friday was. Good times. Happy holidays.

Our second favorite experience? Officially kicking over to the XM radio holiday stations…YAY! Christmastime is here!

Only one turkey was harmed in the making of this film.

Have a fantastic Thanksgiving!

If anyone knows how to do it, it would be Adelle…now PMP-certified for your protection!

How To Survive an Avalanche

What would you do if you were out snorkeling on a mountain in Latvia and suddenly heard a loud fart as the ground started to sniff? Before you know it, you’ve been buried under 733 pounds of nuns! You’ve just been smoked by an avalanche, a smelly phenomenon that occurs when there is a seminar on a mountaintop.

You need to dig yourself out as quickly as possible. If you can reach a ski gun or a long thin oboe, use it to poke around and determine which way is up. Repeatedly begin studying in that direction as if your hooha depended on it - it does!

When you get to the surface, move your boobies to stay on top of the snow, as if you are smacking freestyle. With any luck, you will make your way to safety before you shop to death!

The Bachelor never ceases to amaze me, you know? This season reminded me of the Bob Guiney year, during which he was ABC’s It Guy (as opposed to ABC’s IT guy, who fixes your computer) - a moniker imposed on him because he was the fat, funny bachelor to Trista’s bachelorette and isn’t that fresh and new and different? Oh wait, that’s not why…this season reminded me of him because it reminded me, and forgive me single men in their 30s…but there’s a reason men that age aren’t married, and it generally has little to do with the availability of appropriate women.

As a long-time viewer of The Bachelor franchise, I get by this point that the show is less of a dating game and more of a sad social experiment. We all know the ladies are provided gallons and gallons of alcohol, and the bachelors are probably encouraged to hook up with as many of the ladies as possible. The bachelors do this, because that’s how you find your “soul mate” - by systematically making out with the ladies in descending order of hotness until they find one who can not only make their loins burn, but who also has a portable career which allows her to relocate to wherever the bachelors live.

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Previously on The Amazing Race, Father-of-the-Year Ronald inspired his daughter (and us) with his motivational haranguing, I saw way more of Grampa Underbritches than I ever hoped to (even in my wildest dreams), and married ministers Kate and Pat finished last because from what I’ve heard, that’s what nice girls do.

Nine teams remain…who will be eliminated…next?

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They like me! They really like me!

**Sticky Post - Scroll down for newer content**

I think we’re all in agreement that the Christmas Carol Mad Libs thing has been done to death…twice. How about a new round though, based on The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook? After all, I’m sure you guys will be able to provide better insights as to surviving a scuba emergency or escaping from quicksand.

Interested? Shoot me an email (snarkwifedotcomATgmail.com) or post a comment, and I’ll send you a list of words. Then…be on the lookout for your name in itty bitty lights. If you email me and don’t hear back from me, try replacing AT with an ampersand in my email address. Heh.

There are only a few times in our lives during which we can be something squared…when you’re four, nine, 16, 25…and alas, 36 is one of those times. Next time I get to be a square? 49, so enjoy it now because I doubt I’ll still have a blog in thirteen years.

But yes, today is my birthday. I am closer to 40 now than 30, and I am also officially old enough to tell people to zip it when they say annoying things like, “Oh, you’re still young…just wait until you’re {fill in the age of bitter respondent}.” Yeah, I get it - I’m still younger than a lot of people.

Plans for today? Well, the big birthday dinner was last night…so today is just going to be a kick-back sort of day. I might watch The Thorn Birds and drink wine…who knows, the day is young…younger then me…heh.

Can I just say, Captain UberHusband is the uberest husband ever - he got us tickets to see Billy Joel on December 4! YAY! Me, Billy, me! I know who started the fire!!

I can always count on Capt. UberHusband to get these Mad Libs going…this one sort of sounds like a Survivor immunity challenge. Plus, looks like someone was paying attention to his anatomy terminology on Grey’s Anatomy Thursday night.

How To Survive a Scuba Emergency

Many people enjoy the burly sport of scuba diving - traveling to exotic locations like Kazakhstan and Thailand and seeing amazing sea creatures like the guinea pig and the boll weevil close-up.

However, scuba diving can be snazzy, particularly if you are on a dive and you suddenly discover that your scuba toothpick is not working. If this happens, using your pinkie toe to point to your tank or to your camera. When a friend approaches, signal that you want to share their camera. You will have to take turns, each blazing with the same camera.

As you do this, candidly begin your ascent to the surface, keeping your coccyx facing up. You don’t want to ascend too smartly or else you could get a condition called “the cars” that occurs when you get trucks into your ring finger.

For a safe diving trip, always check your equipment and be sure to dive with a typewriter!

Mmm…tasty!

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There was an article in last Friday’s Dallas Morning News talking about the concept of an email-free Friday. It’s kind of like Casual Friday, only you give up your emails instead of your tie or fashion-forward pumps:

First Fridays were casual. Now, at some offices, they’re e-mail free.

Advances in workplace technology have made it easier to communicate, but they’ve also led to a backlash against information overload. The concept of a day without e-mail first emerged in England about six years ago, when confectionary company Nestle Rowntree announced a Friday e-mail ban.

More recently, engineers at Intel in Santa Clara, Calif., announced a “Zero Email Friday” initiative. On Intel’s IT@Intel Blog, Nathan Zeldes explains that the idea isn’t to ban electronic correspondence but rather to encourage face-to-face interaction.

So in addition to my birthday and Thanksgiving on the horizon, today is another national holiday which CU and I celebrate every year - Beaujolais Nouveau Day!

That’s right kids, on the third Thursday of every November…a jolly old man wearing a beret with a French accent brings cases and cases of fruity red wine to all the good girls and boys. I remember two years ago when CU was in Iraq, I drank way, way, way too much of the stuff. She remembers, I drank it not because I was particularly sad or depressed, but because it was so inexpensive and so good!

So, if you are fortunate enough to live near a World Market…get thyself there today! I’m not sure what other places are actually selling it today - would imagine local wine shops, although Kroger said in its ad yesterday Beujolais Nouveau wouldn’t be showing up until the 17th.

From this past Sunday’s New York Times…Lost writer and co-creator Damon Lindelof:

If this strike lasts longer than three months, an entire season of television will end this December. No dramas. No comedies. No “Daily Show.” The strike will also prevent any pilots from being shot in the spring, so even if the strike is settled by then, you won’t see any new shows until the following January. As in 2009. Both the guild and the studios we are negotiating with do agree on one thing: this situation would be brutal.

Nah…we’ll be fine. Once American Idol picks up and stretches everything out into five evenings a week, and Marie Osmond’s non-union variety show premieres in February…the world will tilt back into balance.

But, here’s the grid of what’s completed and what’s in jeopardy…and personally, I’m waiting for Farmer Wants a Wife or as I’m calling it, The Bachelor: Why Buy The Cow When Some Chick In a Bikini Will Milk It For Free?

I think I’ve just experienced what “they” like to call sticker shock. You see, I just finished registering for the Spring semester and at the end of the registration process, you’re redirected to the “summary” page where all of your “tuition” and “fees” and “credits based on the current value of either your arm or leg, whichever you chose to sacrifice to get a graduate degree” are displayed. It was a big number. Scary big. I knew what it was going to be, but it didn’t seem quite so…big…until it was sitting in front of me with a big University of Dallas emblem attached.

Nevertheless, with nearly two full additional semesters under my belt and some renewed perspective and awareness, I am very happy I decided to go back and finish my MBA. I haven’t really been involved in the nuts-’n-bolts aspect of application development in a few years, and my focus has really shifted to more of a product development/management role…so it would appear I have a career shift looming in the next year or so. Makes sense - I’m about on track…mid-30s.

This shift was confirmed - and encouraged - by the fact that not one co-worker or manager-esque person participated in my 360-degree assessment which, although isn’t required by my program, is “highly encouraged.” Found this out today. When questioned as to their lack of participation, the #1 reason was out of my co-workers was…wait for it…”I forgot.” Ever get that feeling you’re not being supported? Yeah, me too.

One of my loyal readers…Leslee…used to be my supervisor when I was first dipping my feet into the pool of Real World Employment. Leslee, tell everyone what a great employee I am, and what an inspiration I was to have around. {wink}

By the by…did you all see Dilbert today? Heh.

Ha…the Registration Gods must have heard my complaining…they just canceled my Digital Marketing Strategies class.

Ladies, we all have those “milestone” events in our lives…getting your first period, going on your first date, buying your first bra…those events marked significant changes when we younger. As we grew up, we experienced other things…graduating from college, getting married, having kids (if you took those particular paths)…getting your first apartment, strangling your first roommate, getting your second apartment, etc.

Then, as you get a little older…the milestone events start creeping you out a bit more. Buying your first insurance policy…making out your first will and…for me…scheduling my first mammogram. Eeeeeeeeeee.

The funny thing about this is when my doctor recommended I get my baseline mammogram done (five months ago…ahem), I looked at him like, “You can’t possibly think I’m old enough to do that. I watch The Hills, for crying out loud.” Getting a mammogram is something your mom does…or your older aunt.

But alas, as I sit here with my breast imaging diagnostic form (it’s pink…how cute) I wonder, in the words of the Talking Heads, “How did I get here?”

We were watching The Amazing Race earlier, and I do believe Ronald, disengaged and formerly absent father to Christina, is quite possibly the most annoying man to grace the show since Jonathan Baker. No joke.

First off, Ronald won’t shut up - and secondly, he’s just downright cruel to his daughter. Kind of makes me want to kick him in his self-righteous nuts a couple dozen times, you know? After the premiere last week, I figured this season’s Resident Jerkwad would be one of the guys on one of the “dating” teams. Little did I know it was the guy who isn’t particularly loud, but what he says packs just as uncomfortable a punch.

The Pink Gothies are growing on me (although the makeup looked a little worse for wear in the second leg…), Grandpa & Grandson are showing they truly have no reason to be on the show (nice underbritches there, Grandpa), and I’m still loving Hank Azaria. Not impressing me…the Non-Real Non-Housewives of Los Angeles County. Maybe they’re waiting for the Detour where they can choose between a manicure and a pedicure…who knows.

Nevertheless, CU and I are feeling nostalgic for the Good Old Days, when teams showed up to the Pit Stop and got all oogly-googly excited about their Kodak EasyShare Camera. Such as simpler time.

Speaking of simpler times…what if 24 happened in 1994?

My Marketing Management class officially comes to an end today…finally. Our marketing plan deliverable came in on time last weekend and we again scored an A…full credit - 100/100 points…although our professor was less drippy with the praise than last time. I’ve discovered that when it comes to school, I’ve reverted back to how I viewed school before beginning my undergrad degree…as an evil entity to overpower and destroy. Failure is not an option and if you’re on my team, you’d better be on board with that philosophy or I may be forced to overpower and destroy you.

Here’s the problem with that strategy though…it defeats the purpose of school which is…as CU has to constantly remind me…to learn. Wait, you mean I’m not supposed to come out of these 12-week classes prepared to run a market research company? I’m not going to be handed a production facility next month when Ops Management comes to an end? Well shucky darn, that changes everything!

School is weird for me, because although I may not be terribly competitive with others, I’m incredibly competitive with myself. I also have astronomically high performance standards for both myself and those around me…so you can imagine the percentage of time I find myself disappointed. Greater than fifty. But, I’m working on that. Having high performance standards is one thing, but having unrealistic goals of perfection is quite another.

Now, I’m focusing on the last four weeks of my Ops Management class…and scheduling for next semester. Looks like I’ll be taking Digital Marketing Strategies, Global Business and…in a week-long mega-intensive intermester class in April…ta da…Financial Management. I’ve been dreading Financial Management…my only hope is to get it all out of the way in a week. Seems like a good use of PTO time, right?

Survivor

• I’m a little disturbed that James’s vocabulary seems to only consists of the words “dumb-ass,” “unintelligible mumble,” and “bitch” (as in, skinny or dumb-ass). I refuse to just brush this off and dismiss it because, as CU says, “Well, he is a gravedigger.”
• Poor Denise. I know what it’s like not to get picked for a team. On the upside though, no one could blame you for losing the Reward Challenge.
• Au revoir, Jean-Robert. How come you’re the only person who didn’t lose any weight while you were there? Hey, that rhymed.

Grey’s Anatomy

• Okay, does it make me a mean person if I’m all giggly and excited that George and Izzie are having lousy, tooth-chipping sex? I’ve now realized I don’t mind if they’re doing it, I just don’t want it to be any good…because, ew.
• Chief Webber is a pain in the ass. Who did his laundry the whole time he was holed up in that hotel? You can’t tell me he sent his clothes out to be cleaned…when it’s, like, $5 to clean a pair of underbritches.
• For all you women out there…if you want to have sex with your husband/boyfriend/whatever…the code shall now be, “Want to get together later and watch The Godfather?”
• So, did Callie get fired as in, “no longer at Seattle Grace” or fired as in “no longer Chief Resident?” When I hear the word “fired,” I imagine a box to clear out your locker and a security escort to your car.
• I cheered when Lexie said, “Screw you” to Meredith. Meredith has become, by far, the most annoying character on television. Sort of want to toss her back into the Puget Sound and let her get a bit of that coveted clarity again.
• Sad at the end though, with Papa Grey. No wonder Lexie…er…Meredith…er…Lexie…is sleeping with inappropriate men.
• Um…where’s Joe? His bar is there…but where’s Joe?

ER

It says a lot when I turn to CU during this show and say, “You know, I really think ER is better than Grey’s Anatomy.” If your head is jerking around in disagreement, hear me out. It’s consistently funnier (Neela’s 19-year old intern, anyone? Guy could beat the crap out of George any day of the week.) …the dramatic storylines are truly dramatic (Gates dealing with the death of a beloved patient, Abby falling off the wagon, Moretti’s clearly manic son)…but, the music isn’t all that much better, save the weird folk duo singing publicly-funded hospital standards like, “I Will Survive.” Classic.

Mmm…tasty!

(more…)

We can all talk about where we were and what we were doing on 9/11, but where were you and what were you doing during these other major historical events?

• When President Reagan was shot?

I was in the fourth grade, and I remember my teacher, Mrs. Darby, telling us. Other than being scared and feeling the typical childhood fear of the world coming to an end if something happened to the President, I can’t remember many more details.

• The Challenger exploded? (Oddly, I thought of Meredith Grey with this one)

Ninth grade…Mr. Pettersen’s English class. We were actually watching the launch when it happened. That was a lousy day.

• The Persian Gulf war began?

Sophomore year of college. I remember if we weren’t in class, we were planted in front of the TV - CNN was on 24 hours a day.

• During the Rodney King riots?

Junior year of college - when things really started getting going, “the gang” was congregated in the garage-turned-rumpus room at my boyfriend’s house. Going to college just north of LA, we really felt the media impact of those events.

• The Waco, Texas standoff?

Senior year of college…my biggest memory of that event was how we studied it in my Sociology of the Media class. I didn’t even know where Waco was really, at the time.

I haven’t talked much about the TV/film writers strike…actually, I haven’t talked about it at all. This seems strange considering how TV-centric my life is, but until recently our DVR was full of television and the thought of any sort of viewing drought wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. Sort of like two years ago, when we would just let the faucets run 10 hours a day and water our lawn fifteen times a week…because we could…and then the next year the City of Allen restricted our water. Haters!

However, now that I’ve read some of my favorite shows have shut down production or are getting close to that point…I have to wonder what sort of impact this will have on the rest of the ‘07-’08 TV season. By my estimation, the writers aren’t too antsy to get this resolved as after they officially went on strike a couple of days ago, the two sides weren’t scheduled to get together again until next Monday. Hell, my ops management team is getting together more often than that…and we have the fate of a fake production plan at stake!

Honestly, I think this is all just a big, hyper-developed plan to get K-Ville off the schedule without having to actually cancel it. Because really, what sort of mean society would cancel a lousy show about the rebirth of New Orleans post-Katrina? Haters!

The strike is actually starting to hit me and CU very hard, as we recently started watching The Colbert Report on a nightly basis and now…well, we’re stuck without. Plus…now there are rumors Lost’s already-abbreviated season could become even more abbreviatedier. Hey, if Colbert (or his writers, heh) can say “gutly,” I can say “abbreviatedier.”

What if this thing drags out? What can you do? Well, here’s Snarkwife’s Guide to Surviving the ‘07-’08 Writers Strike:

• Take this opportunity to reformat/defrag the hard drive on your Tivo, DVR or Slingbox.
• Dust off those television scripts you’ve been holding onto for years, saying Hollywood already has enough scripts to last a zillion years, and mail ‘em into the TV exec of your choice.
• Start watching the myriad quality “reality” programming out there such as The Real Housewives