snarkwifedotcom

As I mentioned yesterday, now that I’m back at the gym in the mornings I get to inform myself on the issues of the day which avail themselves to folks who are usually at home in the mornings watching morning news shows; specifically, how to tackle those flabby arms, how to properly nap, and how to help your child when someone is bullying them at school.

One of this morning’s segments on the Today show…and I swear, this topic is covered about every three weeks, was on school bullies and more specifically, why the parents of said bullies have absolutely no shame and take no accountability for their children’s behavior.

Now, I grew up in the olden days, where you were bullied…and you just dealt with it. Raise your hand if you weren’t ganged up on by a group of at least two people at least half a dozen times somewhere between kindergarten and your senior year of high school. Capt. Uberhusband…yes, even him…has all sorts of fun stories.

Elementary school was misery for me, especially when I skipped the third grade and wound up in the fourth grade with a whole new set of classmates. Some bullied me because I was younger. Some bullied me because they sensed my fear and apprehension about being with a whole new group of kids. Still others bullied me because my mom bought my clothes at KMart and the clothes they got at the mall were way cooler and hence, so were they. The other smart kids saw me as a threat. Or at least, this is what my parents would tell me. Not that I was a huge victim…I did have some great friends. But even if only a couple…or a few kids are “against” you, sometimes it feels like everyone is.

I remember one girl in particular…we’ll call her “Nandrea”…back in the 5th & 6th grades. Both my parents worked, so they would drop me off at school an hour before school actually started. Well, Nandrea made my life a living hell. She and her trusty lieutenant “Alisa” would hide my backpack…stalk me when I went to the bathroom and talk about me…literally, in front of my face. It was awful. They were so mean and so horrible…and so lacking in any empathy whatsoever. It didn’t help that Nandrea had the biggest mouth in the class, so she would tell everyone in my class embarrassing things like how I sounded weird when I went to the bathroom. In retrospect, everyone should have been laughing at her for the sheer grossness of actively listening…but you know how it was when you were a kid.

I do remember complaining to my parents, but it was the early 80s, so all of us did what was done back then…we sucked it up. We endured. We did our best to ignore the crank phone calls and the nasty notes left in our desks and the contemptuous glares. No one complained to the principal or the school superintendent. But then again, I also went to a school where no one thought it was strange when we complained our sixth grade teacher was rubbing the girls’ backs and having us sit on his lap.

Oddly, it didn’t get better as girls got older, it got worse - and as our circle of friends grew and we developed those unbelievably close relationships in high school…our friends had more ammo with which to “shock and awe” when it seemed advantageous.

My point is this…understanding full well the “breadth” of the internet and how gossipy, bitchy little bully bees have revolutionary means by which to torture other girls (and really, all children in general) in this day and age…why is it now that so many parents are willing to ignore it? The segment I watched this morning…the mother literally had to pull her children out of their school and move them to another one because no one was willing to take any action. The other parents told this woman her child was weak, and worse, needed to develop a better sense of humor. I keep thinking my parents, had they been presented with evidence I was bullying other kids to the point where parents and school administrators had to get involved…would have been embarrassed and mortified.

When I think about it, my bully interactions never even escalated to the level of talking to another child’s parents - you figured out how to work it out amongst yourselves. I guess in retrospect, this was a very valuable lesson. There’s something to be said about teaching your children the value of endurance and how people can be rude and mean and bullyish because, that doesn’t go away once you finally kick them out of the nest…and you can’t go running to Mommy every time a co-worker or a neighbor is mean to you or behaves in an unjust manner so she can fight your battles.

What do you guys all think? Did your parents stepping in/not stepping in help in the long term with dealing with “bully” behavior? If you have children and someone came to you and told you he/she was a bully, what would you honestly do? I mean, where is that line drawn…the one between the natural power struggles we all face with people throughout our life, and one which genuinely is hurtful? After all…some animals will fight the power struggle, literally, to the death. Peacemaking animals don’t step in and try to mediate. I get we’re more evolved than that…but who gets to make the call on when actions become “bullying”? I just find this fascinating. Is it as soon as your child is upset? Well…maybe your child is too sensitive and can’t handle people telling him/her that they’re wrong. Is it when a classmate posts a blog post that your daughter is a whore? That’s my point…it’s all so subjective.

Anyhoo…I suppose this is the point of life…it hands you challenges which are appropriate for your level of social and emotional skills, and when you work through those and master those, you’re better prepared for the inevitably tougher challenges as you age and take on more responsibility.

Damn good thing we all never had MySpace pages, huh? Imagine the damage we could have done as teenage girls. Kinda scary. Actually, I wouldn’t have done anything…my parents would have killed me.