My, how things change over the course of a couple of years on Lost…and how they stay the same. Charlie’s still the same annoying little puppy dog of a castaway, Hurley’s still the insightfully smart one…but Desmond…all of a sudden he’s H-O-T hot.

The start of tonight’s episode was so weird for me because, well, I got over Eko’s death and Locke’s speech about a hundred years ago…somewhere between Denny Duquette suffering a stroke and finding out The O.C. was being euthanized. You forget the “first half” of the season revolved completely around Jack and Kate and Sawyer and Juliet and Ben and Other(Tertiary Character)s and then…Desmond runs into the ocean and starts swimming. Huh? Claire’s drowing in the ocean? Huh?

After the break, Desmond is gazing wistfully at a photo of him and Penelope, with the Waikiki coastline in the background. Claire is expressing her gratitude for Desmond saving her life when, right on cue, Supernanny Charlie shows up with Aaron in tow, demanding to know when Claire is going to feed her kid, because he’s turning into one of those annoying mommies whose threatened by anyone outside his little bubble…with the exception of Hurley. So, he does what any jealous wife would do…he conspires to liquor up the competition and get some answers, bloody darnit!

I’m thinking at this point if Desmond is truly psychic…wouldn’t he already know about Charlie’s little scheme? I guess not, because Desmond, Charlie and Hurley proceed to start knocking back 60-year whiskey and get drunk as college co-eds and spew nonsense about girls with one leg and hearing people yelling for help from a mile away. You know what it’s like when you’re drunk. You can’t walk in a straight line, but you can recite the alphabet backwards and hear people calling you from two counties over. The good times turn belligerent (as they always do when island distilled spirits are involved) when Charlie confronts Desmond and of course, Charlie is totally out of his league because dude, Desmond’s got demons. Big ones.

When all Hellhatch broke loose last season, Desmond was transported back to his previous life as a facially hairless member of the Red Man Group. I can’t help but think Penelope is a weird hybrid of Juliet and Meredith Grey. Desmond so desperately wants to impress Penelope’s father…what? Delivery for 815? That sound coming from the microwave…um…er…and, I forgot Caleb CohenNichol/That Guy From Ugly Betty was Penelope’s father. He sees to it that Desmond gets a job with the Newport Group’s latest magazine endeavor, Mode…but that’s not what Desmond wants. Desmond wants to marry Penelope. Caleb tells Desmond he will never be a great man, nor will he ever be worthy of drinking his whiskey, much less marrying his daughter. Ouch.

Desmond leaves Widmore Industries, chucks his tie into a garbage can in disgusted protest, then spies Charlie across the street singing…ahahahaha…”Wonderwall.” So funny since Driveshaft has been compared to Oasis on so many occasions. Desmond tries to convince Charlie they spent time on a deserted island together in a hatch with a computer and a button, but Charlie recommends Desmond take his bounty of crazy elsewhere, reminding everyone, “This is why we don’t do drugs.” Then Desmond said it started to rain and…son of a gun, it did!

Desmond quickly transports himself to the university, where he hooks up with his pal Donovan, who is a cross between the professor Christopher Reeve drills about time travel in Somewhere In Time and Dr. Emmett Brown. They share a couple of pints at a nearby pub, discussing the meaning of life and Desmond’s bloody insanity. Has Desmond, in fact, been able to transcend physics to go back in time? Unfortunately, Desmond’s “psychic” powers fail him in the clutch and he’s 100% wrong in his predictions, which do nothing to further his case with Donovan, who tells Desmond there’s no such thing as time travel and marry Penny, already.

Back at his flat, Pennedith tells Desmond he smells like pub and Desmond explains he’s not exactly qualified for…anything. Pennedith placates him with an offer of lobsters on the pier and…love. Desmond questions her love, but she assures him he’s a good man…and good men are hard to come by. They smooch, and Desmond shops for engagement rings. I laughed when the saleswoman said, “You can always tell the first timers.” What does that mean? Do the serial husbands have that, “Whattya got in the $100 range? I’m no spring chicken” aura about them?

Our saleswoman shows Desmond a lovely ring with a modest stone, and he says he’ll take it. “Oh no you don’t,” she says. “You don’t take the ring. You walk out this door.” Um…er. Are we back to someone yelling at him from a mile away in the ocean? Perhaps his psychic tendencies have been compromised, but this other woman is able to tell him what he is unable to foresee himself? I’m so confused. I’m the only one I guess, because our saleswoman lays out with alarming detail the events of Desmond’s life over the next few years including, but not limited to, the boat race, the island, the Others and turning the failsafe key.

And if he doesn’t turn that key, everyone dies. I need a commercial. After a light snack of chestnuts and falling scaffolding, our fair saleswoman tells Desmond that he doesn’t have a choice in how his life plays out. He can’t propose to Penny, and he must go to the island. That’s his path. And, pushing that button is the only truly great thing he’ll ever do. Ouch.

The next scene…oh my God…it was such a cliche. When faced with uncertainty and disapproving future fathers-in-law and weird white-haired older women and red shoes and failure all around, what’s a man to do? Why, join the military, of course! Oh wait, that was just another flashback.

When he meets back up with Penelope, they’re walking and a photographer offers to take their photo. After nixing the desert and the alps, they choose a backdrop…a marina shot. It’s the photo Desmond was holding at the beginning of the episode. Desmond realizes he has to leave and gives Pennedith the lame “it’s not you, it’s me” story about how he’s in no position to take care of her and everything is too soon, despite her protests. A quick slap to his face and calling him a coward doesn’t change things, and he lets her go. “We are not supposed to be together.”

Then, he tosses the ring into the river.

Back at the pub, while knocking back a pint of their cheapest, “the song starts playing”. “The team wins.” “The people walk through the door” and, while Desmond tries to thwart an assault on the bartender, he gets whacked in the head with a 2×4…and wakes back up on the island, naked and confused. The hatch has been blown to bits, but he’s able to find the picture of him and Pennedith. He wants to go back one more time…third time’s the charm and all that.

Back to the remains of our whiskey party. Desmond says you can’t change anything, Charlie apologizes for calling him a coward. Desmond confesses before he turned the key, his life flashed before his eyes. He wasn’t saving Claire…Charlie was saving Claire. Charlie dove in after Claire and he drowned. Charlie was struck by lightning outside Claire’s tent and I guess he died then, too.

No matter what Desmond does, Charlie’s going to die.

WHAT?