Tara and Wil…they were the ones who came in second in season two of The Amazing Race. CU and I were trying to remember who that annoying team was all last night, and I swore I would not look it up…I would wait until the name came to me. And it did. Fifteen seconds ago.

I’ll tell you up-front…as fun as the teams are this season, this episode…I thought…was pretty boring. Even the exciting music couldn’t really change the fact most of the episode was spent driving to the airport, and driving to Cotopaxi National Park. Plus, they all spent so much time being nice to each other, it didn’t provide for any truly quality snark.

As is de rigeur, Phil greets us from an exotic location…Miami. Our Amazing All-Star Teams jet in on power boats with fancy camera work and boat waves aplenty to punctuate what an exciting beginning this is! No, really! Phil states these eleven teams are the “best of the best”, which is Amazing Code for, “These are the only teams who (a) said they’d subject themselves to all of this insanity a second time and (b) are still on speaking terms.”

Kevin & Drew: Lifelong friends from New York…five years older, five more years out of shape. We didn’t watch The Amazing Race until season two, so I don’t know who these guys are, except they’re annoying and kind of whiny and Drew was out-run by Charla out of the gate.

Bahston Rahb & Ambuh of Da Smokin’ Ass: Fresh off his Vegas Poker Slaparound tour, Rob & Amber say they have a whole new bag of tricks. They didn’t come back to lose. Mahrk his wohrds.

Uchenna & Joyce: Husband and wife, from Houston, Texas. They won season 7 and are now back with a whole new set of fertility and relationship problems they hope the race will solve. Sadly, the million bucks they won last time didn’t do it.

Dustin & Kandice: KandyDust…I really don’t have anything bad to say about them, because they really grew on me last season…and I’d be cool with them being the first girl-on-girl all-girl team to win.

Joe & Bill: Gay grandpas from season one. Hey, they said it, not me. See “Kevin & Drew” above.

Charla & Mirna: Yogi & Boo Boo. They’re back, and this time, it’s more personal than it was the first time they raced around the world.

David & Mary: I love Cletus…but I love Brandine more: “My strategy this time is going to be completely different than last time.” It’s going to have to be…”sincerely nice Kentucky bumpkin” as a strategy can only work once with this crowd.

Teri & Ian: I remember when they “almost” won season 3. I was so irritated, because no married couple who looked that much alike should win…just seemed unnatural. Fortunately, Teri’s grown out her hair so she doesn’t resemble her husband quite as much, but Ian’s still the same dork he always was…except now he’s wearing black sleeveless t-shirts and adventure hats and I’m forced to call him Iandiana Jones.

Oswald & Danny: Now, these two were a great choice for the show. Team ChaChaCha stole my heart when, while everyone else was running around and all panicked in…Tokyo? Hong Kong? I can’t remember. Anyway, they went to the Mandarin Oriental hotel, got some help from the concierge, then went shopping and had coffee. They rock.

John Vito & Jill: Formerly dating…I assume they were dating when they were on the show. Honestly, can’t really place them other than I’m sure I lumped them into the “dysfunctional romantic relationship” category.

Eric & Danielle: Dating & team traitors, taking the “If it worked for Rob & Amber, it can work for us” attitude.

Phil begins the race with his usual flair, and the teams are off. For some bizarre reason, they chose to spend the first quarter of the show getting everyone to the Miami airport, where the biggest challenges were figuring out the first plane to leave was the second to arrive, and trying to get on a shuttle bus, because it seemed like Rahb & Ambuh were on every one of them and not letting anyone else on. Mirna exclaimed her first Mirnaism of the season with, “Woooo woooo wooooooo!” (Rhymes with “choo choo” for you recap vets), while Teri wondered if she and Iandiana Jones had a name like the one she’d given Mirna & Schmirna. Oh Teri, you so clever. “I hope we’re the big kahunas”, he quips (I couldn’t stand him - Capt. UberHusband). Urgh.

And a few minutes later, we get our first “Rapido, rapido, rapido!” out of Mirna because, that’s right, everyone speaks Italianish in Miami. CU and I were talking last night, and it’s not that we didn’t like Charla as a competitor, it’s that we didn’t like Mirna as her teammate and in something like this, you have to have a majority rule. We have to like both team members to root for them, so, bummer for Boo-Boo. On a funny note, Charla did appear to be returning from The Amazing Race -23: Electric Youth, what with that sweater and hairdo. Swear to god, I looked like that in ‘89, only taller…and without the dingbat wingwoman.

Our teams hop their planes headed for Quito, Ecuador and when they land, they need to find their way to Plaza San Francisco, where they will get their next clue. A word of note…these teams are All-Star Teams because, there are a few former teams, I suspect, who would have stuck around the airport and hopped a flight back to San Francisco instead. These people are pros, though. Danny & Oswald are off their plane first, followed by Charla & Mirna. I’m now wondering if I need to change Mirna’s name to Donatella, because when she barks “STEP ON IT” to their taxi driver, that’s who I thought she sounded like. Plus, that goes along with the whole Italian “bellissima!” thing she’s got going on. Then, Iandiana Jones hops in a cab, twirls his index finger in a circle while saying “Rapido, rapido” and…I’m just shaking my head. I can’t deal with this guy.

Mas rapidohhhh…mas rapidohhhh…hey, speaking of which, did anyone see the new trailer for The Simpsons movie last night? Yeah, we watched that while we waited for 60 Minutes to finish up so this show could start.

Plaza De San Francisco. Rob & Ambuh arrive first. Teams must make their way to Pim’s Restaurant, where they’ll pick a tag to decide their departure time the next morning. YEAH! Restaurant! Food challenge! I’m sure it will be something worthy of an All-Stars outing…like having our teams actually gnaw off Mr. Pim’s leg…or…eating the door. Instead, they got an actual meal and some cots. Disappointing. I’d like to take this opportunity to state my feelings about Rahb & Ambuh…I like them. I like how he absolutely adores her and even on the few occasions they get frustrated, they’re always nice to each other about that. Makes me all warm and fuzzy.

Over a dinner of…something and bottled water, the other teams talk smack (who else is racing again?) about each other and we spot what I hope will be the first of many fashion-forward t-shirts Cletus & Brandine will be wearing…a shirt that says, “Missing: The Cho Brothers.” Love, love, love that. And then, because we can’t let the hillbillies get all the attention, we cut to Drew lying in the middle of the street, moaning in pain because he has this little cut on his leg. And his shoulder hurts. And he sounds funny when he says, “rapido”. Please. I think it was at that point I wanted those two to go home first.

Night turns to day. Clue Rip. Make your way to Cotopaxi National Park. Using a provided map (Yeah, one that says “Start” and “End” - Capt. UberHusband), teams must make their way to Hacienda Yanahurco, an ecological reserve, where they’ll find their next clue. They’re “advised to enter through the north entrance”, which means…Amazing Logic dictates at least one team will go to the south entrance.

Turns out, Mirna can’t drive a stick-shift so well. You have GOT to be kidding me. Allow me to quote from the Book of Snark…the chapter titled “For Accuracy, You Gotta Be Accurate”:

“I told the UberHusband that if we were going to be on The Amazing Race, one of the first things I’d do is brush up on my manual transmission skills.”

I’m just sayin’.

It’s a good thing Yogi & Boo Boo are self-proclaimed “folks who are not afraid of, and are good with, locals,” because they’re the ones who wind up going to the south entrance and thus, have to engage in a full conversation (peppered with multiple exclamations of “NO!”) with an Ecuadorian before they just ignore the clue…and the Ecuadorian…and continue on their merry way. By this point, Iandiana Jones has been snotty to his wife once, and said “hoorah” twice.

Meanwhile, Rahb & Ambuh reach the preserve. Clue rip. Detour…choice between two tasks…blah blah blah…garnered from Ecuador’s rich history and traditions: Swing The Lasso or Bring The Troops (And Their Three Missing Uniform Accoutrements) Home. In Swing The Lasso, teams have to rope a wild horse, then trim it’s nails and cut it’s hair. Kind of like a day at the spa, only without plunge pools and indoor plumbing. In Bring The Troops Home, one person has to dress up in a uniform and go looking for missing needles from their uniform in a haystack. Proving they know the drill, Rahb & Ambuh decide to skip the task which involves an animal and go straight for Burning Atlanta. Problem is, Burning Atlanta is tedious and frustrating, which sends them back to Rope, Mani, Pedi, Blow Dry & Style.

Surprisingly, this task looked really easy…and Ambuh & Rahb complete it quickly, then get their next clue…and a bonus handshake between Rahb & the local. Clue rip. Teams must make their way on foot to Mirador Cotapaxi…the pit stop for this leg of the race.

Rahb & Ambuh make…it…up…the…{panting}…hill…welcome…to…Ecuador. Pant. Gracias. And, they are team number one! But wait, as the winners of this unbelievably easy leg of the race, they get a trip to the spectacular Four Seasons Resort in Whistler, Canada. Their trip includes airfare, accommodations…and a really creepy shot of the Travelocity Gnome getting a rubdown.

The rest of the episode was pretty uneventful, save Kevin & Drew’s flat-tire and refusal to let that slow them down. Oh, and Charla held down a horse…reminds me of yesteryear when she carried that side of beef and Mirna’s backpack at the same time. John Vito & Jill came in last, and were sent home. After an entire hour, still couldn’t place them.

On the next episode of The Amazing Race…Rahb sits back and just waits for his next million dollar check, and Charla gets all up in the grills of KandyDust. Or rather, she tries to.