Since my website hits have shot up today due to dozens of people asking this question…

What music video gave viewers a quick peek of Lenny Kravitz’s backside?

Can someone tell me the right answer? I’m dying to know.

Nikki: Way to go, Paolo. You really blew it this time. But, this conversation between our minds is pretty slick…since we can’t speak or move or indicate to the dog that we’re not dead.
Paolo: What do you mean, I blew it? How was I supposed to know you were going to throw a Medusa spider on me, which would then bite me, rendering me paralyzed? This would be your fault for running onto the beach and saying “Paolo-sized”!
Nikki: I did not say “Paolo-sized”, I said “I’m paralyzed.”
Paolo: Yeah, well, regardless, here we are…lying in a grave, totally alive I might add, listening to the fat guy talk about how no one knew who we were.
Nikki: I can’t believe the scraggly blonde guys dragged that one chick into the woods. She sounded pretty pissed.
Paolo: Don’t change the subject. You know, had you not gotten all wiggy when I lit a cigarette when you were opening the safe, I wouldn’t have been chewing the nicotine gum and wouldn’t have had to look so hard for the gum after the crash. By the way, I was pretty impressed with how well the packaging held up, considering it was underwater in a murky pond for a month.
Nikki: This has nothing to do with the gum, and I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you found the bag because you were afraid I wouldn’t be with you anymore. I mean, I really can’t believe that. You wanted the diamonds just as badly as I did - badly enough to bury them in the back of a toilet.
Paolo: I should probably tell you something. When I was down there the first time, I heard a couple of people come in and talk about surgery and Michael. I don’t know if it was the Michael we knew, but the other people…I didn’t recognize them.
Nikki: Hey…they starting to toss sand in here. You know, I’m sorry for jumping all over you when you didn’t want to crawl up into that plane. I had no idea it would eventually come down and kill Boone. At least he’s free from Shannon…she was a serious whackjob.
Paolo: How much longer until the paralysis wears off?
Nikki: Probably about ten minutes. I have no idea how we’re going to get out of here.

Yay! New theme!

You’d think, what with me working in software development, and the fact that we offer a rather robust web-based product, I’d have the (a) skills and (b) tools to take that little graphic over to the left and change it from “Oh So Very!” to “Snarkwife!”

Actually…I just downloaded Gimp so I have a tool…now I just need the patience to acquire the skills.

Sigh.

Orrrrrr…if anyone is willing to take ten minutes of their time and modify my graphic for me…that would be super sweet…and super appreciated.

Weren’t those some of the Seven Dwarfs? Breaky, Creaky & Achy?

Props to the always-funny Capt. UberHusband, for summing up Dionne Warwick’s performances on Dancing With The Stars last night:

“It’s sort of funny when everyone watching this show probably doesn’t remember her for her songs, but for the fact that she was a member of the Psychic Friends Network.”

But hey…say what you will about her…she sounds just as good now as she always has, which is a step up from other divas of her generation. Her first song, “Say A Little Prayer” was great…and although I can’t get My Best Friend’s Wedding out of my head as a natural association…watching Our Professional Dancers interpret the song in suspenders comes pretty darn close.

Ms. Warwicks’s second song, the ode-to-Mapquesty, “Do You Know The Way To San Jose?” (“Depends on where you’re starting.” - Capt. UberHusband) was just…weird. The song itself was fine, but they had these two backup dancers (”unrelated twins,” per Tom Bergeron) who did…strange things. It was like soft-core porn the way they were touching each other and moving around each other. Actually, it was more like one of those Aerobicise videos from the early ’80s.

Since Sanjaya’s not competing this season (just you wait…he’ll be there for Season Nine), I was rooting for either Shandi “I Don’t Do Drugs Like Tara” Finnessey to go home or…Leeza “I’m 50!” Gibbons. Shandi’s partner gives me the willies, and I truly fear watching Leeza do the Paso Doble.

However, Paula Porizkova was not on my short list, because she’s funny, and I love her spirit. How can you not adore a woman who says she has no “inner Latina”? But, she went home…and joins, based on the montage I saw last night, a really bitter group of first-round losers from previous seasons. Well, except for Tucker Carlson…he has a thick enough skin to understand what this all means in the grand scheme of things. Ahem…kennymayne.

Oh, Sanjaya…I have no idea what you sang last night, but CU told me it was one of No Doubt’s greatest songs ever. Sigh. And the hair…oy…the hair…only the trained professionals at the House of Sanjaya could pull off that fearless feat.

I came in to the show 15 seconds late, so I didn’t catch what the theme was…was it “Embarrass Gwen Stefani”?

Other observations…

• In June of 1993, I sang “Last Dance” at a bar in Santa Barbara on karaoke night…I got a standing ovation…just like LaKisha. Thought I’d throw that out there, although I doubt strawberry margaritas were involved in her performance.
• Mindy Doo, as usual, was fabulous…although…the stage looked like a roller rink circa ‘82. Everyone, free skate!
• Chris Sligh…bleh. Dude, you’ve disappointed me so much this season.
• While I like Chris Richardson as a person, we’ve now gotten to the point in the com-pe-ti-tion where it becomes a serious liability if every song you sings sounds exactly the same. Rose calls him “breathy”…I call him…”one trick pony.”
• Phil Stacey, accompanied by Knitted Cap, sang a fantastic rendition of “Every Breath You Take”, which was the perfect song for him, dawg. I’m not sure I agreed with Simon’s assertation that he was the front-running guy in the competition…but considering what he was up against last night, might not be too far off.

Oh…if Sanjaya’s “Really Got You Now”…you can download the MP3 from the American Idol website. No joke. According to the website, “Hurry! MP3 Offer Ends May 23, 2007!!”

Postscript: Good Day down here in Dallas has Selena Ray and George Huff doing post-game commentary on Wednesday mornings. Selena just compared Gina to Kelly Clarkson. Seriously? No I mean, seriously…who is Selena Ray? George Huff rocks though, because he said Haley Scarnato was the most “cabaret” singer ever. Ever!

I Think I’d Make It…About Ninety Seconds: Do you have what it takes to quit complaining for 21 days? “They” say it takes that long for a behavior to become a habit. I ordered one of the cool purple bracelets today, and it should be here in 6 weeks. Cripes…they couldn’t offer expedited shipping?

Heather: 2, RoboLeg: 0: Charity case activist Heather Mills stunned America by doing a backwards walkover (isn’t that what Locke was denied on Lost?) in a green pantsuit with tassels. Is it wrong to be annoyed that a woman who is older than me and has one less natural leg is a better dancer than me? Billy Ray Cyrus, you should be ashamed she upstaged you the way she did. Hey, I don’t have the bracelet yet.

Good Morning America, Doing What It Does Best…Pander To The Stay-At-Home Mommy Contingent: This morning, the show dropped this bombshell on an unsuspecting America which, I suspect, was having a Good Morning:

The National Institutes of Health study, which tracked 1,364 children since birth, determined that preschool kids who spent time in day care were more likely to be reported for problem behavior later on in life by their sixth-grade teachers. But it also found that fifth-graders who went to day care had better vocabulary scores.

I’m sorry…but did anyone notice there are several years between preschool and the sixth grade? Anyone else care to wager a guess as to what else could cause “problem behavior” to increase during those 5-6 years? How about dismissive parenting, no boundaries, and a lack of consequences for poor behavior? I listened to the whole segment, and there’s a half-second portion of the show where…unless you were paying reallyclose attention…you’d miss it. Want to know what that portion said? It said the number of sixth graders displaying behavior issues was slightly higher amongst those who had been in day care. Uh huh. That’s what I thought.

Attention, All Military Wives: Support your troops by making an appointment to gather around the television next Monday, to make fun of the silly girls who think being married to a military man is all bulging biceps and starched uniforms! Alternately, every time they say there’s nothing like a man in uniform…drink!

First off…HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Mama Snark, who is patiently waiting for winter to end in New York. Hang in there…August will be here before you know it!

When CU was in Iraq last year, I took it on as my personal mission to hook my mom onto every TV show I loved. My first task was to get her addicted to Lost, which worked, although I have no idea if she still watches it. The next one was Grey’s Anatomy…also successful. Finally, the hat trick was American Idol. I remember last season’s audition episodes almost lost her…but I told her to hang in there…that it got better. And, it did. We watched every week, like the AI groupies we are. Ahahaha…another unsuspecting victim to throw onto the pile with the other 38.1 million zombies.

Having said that, my mom “doesn’t care for” Sanjaya. I called her last night, asking her why on Earth that little girl was so terribly, tragically, visbly verklempt during Sanjaya’s gravelly (albeit entertaining) rendition “You Really Got Me Now”. We even got to see him grind around a bit in front of Paula. Hula dancer, indeed.

CU estimated Visibly Verklempt Girl was probably a gigantic fan of the show, has American Idol ringtones and desktop wallpapers and an actual seat in the audience was her 2nd biggest dream come true up until that point - the first, of course, being Simon’s interview with Anderson Cooper on 60 Minutes last Sunday night.

I suppose it wouldn’t be appropriate of me to mock, though…I was, after all, crying similarly about this guy at her age and this a few years later. Nobody ever came into the audience and hugged me, though. Now that I think about it, I never got closer to any of them than via an autographed photo.

So really, I can’t judge, as Visibly Verklempt Girl trumps 8×10 Glossy Girl. But then…the cameraman cut to her crying during Mindy Doo’s performance, too! Now, that was a little suspect. She didn’t cry when Haley “Snarkwife, quit mocking my Katherine McPhee-ness” Scarnato sang!
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Oh you Grey’s Anatomy folks…you’re so clever with your product non-placement.

Sooooo…how much do you all wanna bet Callie comes over to The House on the next episode and finds George in bed with Izzie? Then, we’d get to spend the rest of the season with the two of them insisting to everyone within earshot that Nothing Happened!

{rolling eyes}

I haven’t said, “No no no no no no no no noooooooooooooo” that much since the last time George hooked up with one of his roommates everyone knew he was hot for…except him. Look how well that turned out. For such a dork, he sure does get a lot of action.

In other news, Cardio God/McFossil arrives on the scene to make all the Attendings behave like morons, perform surgeries they shouldn’t, ignite rumors about the impending Chief Decision…and perform a little CPR on Cristina and Burke’s flatlining storyline…and pat Cristina’s ass. That McFossil…he’s a Renaissance man. And, formerly Cristina’s med school professor.

You see, when she was at Stanford, she had a three-year relationship with the guy. Now though…now she’s grown up and mature and has graduated from playing slap-and-tickle with her former superior to placating her new superior with a marriage ceremony and a white gown “if it will make him happy”. Insert face caress here.
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The Ides Of Lost: So, a rather satisfying conclusion to one of Lost’s “mysteries” was revealed last night…do the Others really have contact with the “real world”? The answer is an emphatic “You betcha!” because, how else could you explain Claire’s cute ‘n swingy bangs unless someone had slipped her the latest issue of In Style?

At Least It’s Not David Silver’s Baby…Or God Forbid, Ray Pruitt’s: Tori Spelling and her husband gave birth to a baby boy on Tuesday, naming him Liam Aaron Spelling. Sadly, whether this little boy likes it or not, he’ll get Candy when he goes to Grandma’s.

And Lame-o Was It’s Name-o: ABC’s bringing bingo to your Friday night lineup this summer. I think Seth & Summer were on the right path with Briefcase or no Briefcase. But, they’re gone now so…you get bingo. You’ve been duly warned. Make sure you have something else to do on Friday nights.

Great Moments in Parenting: I just had to share this, from my trip to Target at lunchtime. I was buying cards and came around the corner to hear a screeching little girl (probably about two). Her mom says, “Do you want a bracelet?” Wails of displeasure. “A necklace?” More yelling. “Well then Trinity, what do I have to buy you to make you be quiet?” I was stumped. What do you think you could buy to quiet a screaming toddler?

As I was scanning the CMM point-getters so far, I thought…what would it be like if there were a parallel March Madness tournament for the third-tier one-fafa-wonders we’ve come to know and love? The brackets could include all of the American Idol finalists, contestants on Dancing With the Stars who have both their original legs and…shoot…how about Bill Clinton?

Kinda like the NIT…not quite good enough to get into the Big Show, but entertaining nonetheless. Plus, they’ve got that head-scratching, “Wait…who are they again?” quality.

Plus, you can’t tell me Brangelina didn’t adopt Pax for the Fafa points. I’m sure it’s no coincidence that the adoption was finalized on the exact day CMM started. Unfortunately, at first glance I thought they’d adopted that cable network that used to show nothing but Mama’s Family reruns. I guess that’s next on the horizon, once they’re done adopting children.

(Cross-posted from Fafarazzi.com)

Oh, my. By the time Diana Ross finished singing the chorus to “More Today Than Yesterday” for the 63rd time on American Idol last night, I was wondering if I could vote her off. Dude. Dawg…it was pitchy…and weird. And I didn’t like the Wizard of Oz red platforms she was wearing. Other than that, she looked beautiful and she’s a wonderful spirit and I’m sure she’ll go far in her career.

I was still reeling from that performance when my homeboy John Stevens Kevin Covais Sanjaya got yet another another stay of execution. No joke…he’s going at least to the final six. I can completely see Gina “I’VE GOT BRASS…IN POCKET…AND I’M SHOUTING…TO MY LOVE CHILD” Glockson and Haley “How long until Katherine McPhee theme night?” Scarnato heading out first.

Last night as the show started, I was telling CU I was thankful we hadn’t gotten to the point in the season where the poor finalists were subjected to doing those awkward Ford Focus commercials. For some reason, I thought they waited until they only had enough people to put into two cars…which by my standards, would be eight. Guess “they” were thinking six to a car.

I flipped over to Lost at the tail-end of AI, so I didn’t hear what next week’s theme was…or if Ryan said anything about it at all. Is it Katherine McPhee week? Please tell me it is, because I really need to see more young women slithering around on the stage singing “Black Horse and a Cherry Tree.”

So…you all enjoying how it’s still pitch-black outside at 7:30 this morning?

When I was watching Rahb & Ambuh struggle through the Detour last night on The Amazing Race, I was reminded of that episode of The Simpsons when Milhouse gives Lisa that valentine…the “I Choo-Choo-Choose You” episode.

Lisa publicly humiliates and rejects Milhouse at a televised Krusty Krustacular Special, and while watching the recorded event later, Bart says, “Look Lisa. You can pinpoint the exact moment Milhouse’s heart rips in two.”

That moment for me last night, was when The Amazing Producers cleverly edited in, “I hope we didn’t misspell anything,” all the while repeatedly cutting back to the one directional board which read “Phillipeans” instead of “Philippines,” while they try to rearrange all of the destinations on the pole like a frantic episode of The Price is Right because it never occurs to them to check the spelling.

Yeah.

While the entire field of teams flip-flopped from how they arrived at the Pit Stop last week, we were also treated to the reintroduction of Mirna’s whistle, which has become Team Jellystone’s third teammate, effectively replacing Rebecca’s Burberry visor as my new favorite Amazing Accessory. Not only can it hail cabs, but it can also irritate the bejeezers out of neighboring teams and beckon local dogs!

While we’re talking about Yogi and Boo Boo…their “exchange of friendly team banter” while Mirna was yelling at Charla for, I don’t know, being too short and too weak and too slow and for the love of God Charla, do I have to bail you out of everything all the time, prompted this week’s Amazing Quote…spoken for the first time by someone other than a TAR team:

“I think all of the teams should also get a loaded gun with one bullet. If you feel the need during the race, you can take out your teammate.” - Capt. UberHusband

Some other quoteworthy Mirnaisms…”I’m a lawyer, so I can tell when people are lying” and…”Charla obviously wants to contribute, but I do more than any one single person has probably ever had to do on the Race to compensate for any shortcomings that we have.” Hey Mirna…if I recall, it was Charla who hauled the side of beef and it was also Charla who hauled the pole (which was roughly 8x her height) up that neverending set of steps…so, shut it, bellissima.
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So now that the Anna Nicole Smith hoopla is dead and buried…and Britney’s on lockdown…and Elizabeth Hurley is finishing up her round-the-world, seven-weddings-in-seven-countries tour (how very Pamela Anderson), we can all get down to the very serious business of March Madness.

Sadly, my beloved UCSB Gauchos fell hard to UC Irvine in the Big West Tournament, so with those 16-seed hopes dashed I can now turn my attention from that other tourney to the one that really matters…Celebrity March Madness over at Fafarazzi!

I have to say, I was pleased to get back over to Fafarazzi and start working on my bracket, because the NCAA Tournament has really boring sections like “East Rutherford” and…”San Antonio”. I can’t help but think the NCAA would be better served to engage itself with fact-based, rather than geography-based sections. For instance, how about…”Mentally Unstable Coaches” or “Schools You Applied To, But Didn’t Get Into” or…”Lousy Fight Songs”?
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Yeah.

So, we had someone come out today to give us an estimate on putting plantation shutters all through the house…with the exception of our bedroom and bathroom.

You ready? NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS. Kind of reminds me of The Price Is Right today…when Bob Barker couldn’t tell if the Showcase Showdowner said 1700 dollars or 17000 dollars, and it took them about 45 seconds to come to a mutual understanding.

When the guy showed up, he went on and on about how the cost winds up being about half of what people expect. I told him that was funny, because my experience has been the cost is usually about twice what I expect.

All of a sudden…our 14-year old blinds…not looking so worn out.

Loved that line during “Stuck In The Middle With You”…because it was almost like the performance arrangers knew he wasn’t going home, but wanted to give us all some hope that he would.

Having said that…when Sundance Head is sent home because 17-year old girls around America seem to find something attractive about Sanjaya…you know I will chime in. I’m not Sundance’s biggest fan, and I’m sure Sanjaya is a perfectly nice kid but to quote, well, everyone…American Idol is a singing competition (no, really…I swear it is), and that kid just can’t sing. He wasn’t bad in the auditions but somewhere over the past few weeks, he’s ironed his hair and turned into a hula dancing Michael Jackson. I just can’t see that selling out concert venues.

When reliving Great Moments In American Idol History though, Sanjaya joins a long list of finalists (I was going to use the term “performers”, but that wasn’t entirely accurate) who made me scratch my head so hard and so often, I’m surprised I didn’t break skin.

For example…Anthony Federov, John Stevens and Kevin Covais…just to name a few.

Reminds me of that old Margaret Cho joke…about how women always travel in groups of three: “There’s the smart one, the pretty one…and then there’s the ho. Look around…which one are you?” America…we have your 12 finalists…the Great Ones, the Yellers…and then there are the Head Scratchers. I couldn’t use the “ho” reference, since Antonella Barba went home last night. Oh…snap!

And…speaking of head scratchers…why on Earth are Phil Stacey and his wacky sidekick, Knitted Cap, still around?

Yeah, so the one thing I love about myself is how self-aware I am. For example, I know I tend to bring most of the stress in my life on myself. On Friday I went out to get the mail, and spotted a “For Sale” sign in front of our next-door neighbor’s house. They moved in about a week before we did, and we watched as their family of two turned into a family of three.

Although we aren’t “close”, we are friendly and…they’re good neighbors. No loud parties, and their son is still itty bitty enough to where he hasn’t been able to turn into too much of a demon…and they take good care of their yard and home. So in the grand scheme of things…it’s upsetting to know they’re moving.

The signs were there…a random U-Haul a couple of weeks ago for example; but, the kicker was when in the middle of last week, a yard service came through to mow and edge. That was a huge red flag, as he always did his own yard work…I’d hear his mower and weed eater going every Friday morning during the summers. It’s the same thing as when you go to work, and one of your co-workers is really dressed up. The first thing you say is, “Where are you going, a job interview?”
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Please, Make The Lambs Stop Screaming: Anna Nicole Smith is finally laid to rest in the Bahamas, near her son. Now, back to your regularly scheduled Fafarazzi season life.

I Can’t Believe He Lost On Jeopardy!: John Ratzenberger née everyone’s favorite mail-delivering trivia freak Cliff Clavin, is replacing Vincent Pastore on Dancing With The Stars, who bailed out after one week of practice. There are reports Heather Mills may also be exiting, but I’d like Heather to stay…because I really need to hear Bruno ask, “Do you have extra batteries in your leg?”

Perpetual Stupidity Is The New Black…Or Salmon: I can’t believe I voluntarily sat still, and not only listened to Kelly Picker sing last night on American Idol, but I also listened to her “talk.” Yeah, those quotes are intentional. And, all of a sudden…not so much smarter than a fifth grader. But, it was even more painful to watch Leslie “I can’t believe I’m scattin!” Hunt get the boot. Sadly, every woman of Caucasian persuasion looks…and sounds…exactly the same to me, and I’m just biding my time until they all go home. But come on, Sanjaya’s still there? Guess what kids, we have our WTF? Contestant for this season.

Lock Up Your Underage Daughters: Big Love returns to HBO on June 17.

My Next-Door Neighbors Are Moving, Too. Where’s Their Show?: Before you ask …yes, you’re reading this correctly. A new reality show will focus on Victoria Beckham’s move to the colonies. Can I call her U-Haul Spice? Please? Oh, I am so calling her that from now on.

Let the dogs entertain you. I swear, I’d rather be blogging about the past two evenings’ worth of TV…but…what do you do.

I’m getting to be as bad as you people with kids, what with the proliferation of doggie videos. At least they don’t play soccer…or do karate…or whatever it is kids do these days.

And…oodles of thanks to Ali, for showing me how I can display these videos via Photobucket, instead of turning them loose on the YouTubers.

One of my co-workers…this is his current AIM status message:

I’m away at the moment. You can reach me on my cell phone if you know the number.

Kind of reminds me of that line from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off…”You can reach my parents at their places of business.”

Don’t you hate it when your job gets in the way of your blogging?