Reading, Riting & Really Awesome Margaritas: Parents in a Houston suburb are miffed Bachelorette Amber, a local elementary school teacher, took a leave of absence to go on The Bachelor. Personally, I don’t see what the fuss is all about…I think this is a fantastic opportunity to teach the young girls…the future Bachelorettes of the world…that there is indeed somewhere else they can wear their prom dresses again.

Nerd Alert! This chick finished college in a year, and is starting law school in the Fall. Look for her next season on Boston Legal, as Denny Crane’s new love interest.

Next Monday…On A Very Special Dr. Phil House: Alec Baldwin. Just him. In that big house. All alone.

Snoop…Australian For “No Thanks”: Snoop Dogg has been barred from entering Australia after failing a character test. As if that weren’t bad enough, now it’s highly unlikely he’ll be the person responsible for saving the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 anytime soon.

While you were selling copies of your new CD, former American Idol contestant Bucky Covington…Merilee Jones chose to watch The Bachelor instead of taking that valuable time to update her resume…and had the worst week ever!

I suppose we should really watch ourselves…don’t want to go to jail or anything.

Man, all sorts of things going on here at casa de snark. Besides Cookie’s health problems (and my own, but that’s a story no one except her and CU should be subjected to) and storms (thank you WFAA, for putting Heather Mills’s elimination up in a little box in the corner so I could at least see, if not hear, it while you were talking about tornado warnings)…we had to give the PC a labotomy yesterday and clear everything out to start over. Great fun.

When we finally unload the PC in favor of an iMac (likely later this year, since they’ve delayed the launch of Leopard), I’m thinking CU and I should do one of those “Hi, I’m a PC. Hi, I’m a Mac” videos before we run the PC over with the Jeep. Need to start working on a script for that. Could be the YouTube sensation of ‘07.

On the upside, Friday I received my “official readmission” letter to University of Dallas…and I start back with Human Behavior in Organizations on May 5. Figured, why wait until August to start? Plus, I think I could use the real-life experience at this time. Ahem.

Other than that, been watching television…trying to get the front and back yards into their standard Springtime tip-top shape…and sort of wishing American Idol had actually been shocking by sending two people home last night.

Hey…did you know Chris Richardson was a supervisor at Hooters? Hee.

Is it just me, or do the writers at Grey’s Anatomy seem to be stuck in a dark and twisty spiral of misery and agony? If you consider, according to the show’s alleged timeline, the characters haven’t even finished their first year of residency…here’s what they’ve dealt with:

• George’s dad dies
• Meredith’s Alzheimer’s-stricken mother lives, then dies
• Izzie’s fiancé dies
• Cristina miscarries
• Cristina & Burke get engaged
• George gets syphilis
• George sees Cristina naked at Burke’s apartment
• Meredith nearly drowns, dies, sees Bomb Guy & Denny, then comes back to life
• Meredith sees Bomb Guy blow up
• Meredith’s dog dies

I could go on and on…but last night’s episode was the capstone of the season in my opinion, because now Izzie’s adopted-out daughter Hannah has arrived at the Foremost and Apparently, Only Hospital In The Country with leukemia and her adoptive parents want Izzie to donate bone marrow. All together now…seriously?

We knew she’d eventually show up because, what would the point have been of Izzie confiding she had a daughter to Meredith last season? And of course, the daughter is beautiful, Izzie is verklempt, and George gets his first opportunity to put Izzie’s pants on, rather than take them off. Go team.

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Sanjaya was voted off American Idol last night, and his singular name will now permanently be as instantly recognizable as Cher, Madonna, Britney and Rosie.

I was trying to think of men whom we can identify just by their first name, but all I came up with was Jesus, and that just really didn’t seem appropriate.

All ponyhawks will be worn at half-staff until further notice.

Okay…I didn’t pay much attention last night during American Idol. CU and I were busy updating my resume for my UoD application…and listening to Cookie cough. Seems the poodle has been stricken by the demon illness of little dogs…a collapsing trachea. Sigh…yeah, that’s it’s own barrel of laughs. For a dog whose life mission it has been to kick ass now and ask questions later, it’s very frustrating to see her being knocked around by this. I’m taking her back in to the vet today, as she seems to have gotten worse since we put her on the meds…so it’s time for x-rays to see what we’re officially dealing with.

5:11 PM Update: It’s not a collapsed trachea, it’s fluid in her lungs…which if we can’t clear it out, will likely indicate she’s at the beginning stages of heart disease. Damn poodle. She’s now on FOUR meds, so…say a doggie prayer everything clears out and the coughing subsides. I’m not ready to pass over into that stage of her life, yet.

Back to American Idol…I did see Sanjaya’s kinda freaky (although, THANK YOU SANJAYA for not doing your hair Bonnie Raitt-style) version of “Something To Talk About”, and LaKisha’s very weird rendition of “Jesus Take The Wheel” and…Chris singing, again, in the key of Chris.

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A few people have asked if that was really Dr. Laura who commented on my post below (which was actually about Don Imus and not her but…whatever).

Although I don’t have actual fingerprints, her IP address location, along with what I do know about her would lead me to believe so…along with the fact that the search terms she used which eventually brought her here tie directly to her blog post on Monday.

Plus, the (32 years) reference in both her blog post and her comment to me makes this all seem pretty open and shut.

So, do I get to hook up with Grissom now? Wait…that would be adultery…Dr. Laura wouldn’t care for that.

Okay, this is the real reason I’m going back to school:

And by the by, I received confirmation that all of my classes thus far will be applied to my program…so I will be roughly 1/3 of the way through when I start back up. And, I get $750 off my first class which makes the whole thing sound like a “Buy One, Get One Degree 50% Off” sort of thing…but they’re marketing to downshifters like me.

It’s a brilliant idea…I mean, universities are businesses, too. Why pass up on all that potential revenue (not to mention an increase in their graduate base) by discouraging people from coming back, saying the work they did five, ten years ago doesn’t count anymore, or is now irrelevant? Instead…encourage them, woo them, and welcome them back with open arms and 1.2 free credit hours! They’ll be so excited they’ll never notice the exhorbitant tuition they’re paying and won’t blink when the required texts total $450.

This week on The Bachelor: 911!, our bevy of bachelorettes is subjected to Bloody Mary Boot Camp (Wait! We can’t start until I put on my mascara and moisturize my legs!), then sexy group dates involving mud wrestling, auto racing (or “driving lessons”, depending on who you are) and, in probably the meanest date idea ever, Andy takes Peyton and Tessa on a guided tour of the USS Mojito and then has to leave one behind…literally!

After Andy snuggles up to both of them and Peyton pours her heart out to him while Tessa looks at him sideways-y the whole conversation…LT Andy decides he has more of a connection with Tessa…so he gives Tessa the rose. Huh? Then, they just leave Peyton standing there on the tarmac, surrounded by airplanes, with nothing except a random blanket to keep her warm…as LT Andy and Tessa fly back to The House in a helicopter while she’s stuck waiting for the next Greyhound back. Whatever. Just sad.

Speaking of sad, the winner of the Excedrin “Power Through and GO” Rose last night was Bevin, who injured her previously-injured ankle while being harangued by the guy who taught Milhouse and Bart to play “BOMBARDMENT!” on The Simpsons. Cue ambulance siren. LT Andy arrives on the scene, SGT McYell asks…snicker…if he’s the medic and LT Andy…replies…snicker…”No, I’m a doctor.” Seriously.

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Reposted from last week…had to get my bearings about me before officially throwing this out there…

Have any of you gotten to that point where…you’re getting restless with your life…for the second, or third, time? I suspect this is when a lot of married women decide to have children, but since that isn’t in our Master Plan…I have to look to other things.

Not to turn this into a work rant (because really, how unbelievably dull and uninteresting is that)…but in the last year or so, my job has changed drastically and has devolved into a daily series of tasks which honestly, are completely unrelated to my skill-set…to put it diplomatically.

Having said that, the last time I was restless like this…oh…ten years ago, I started my MBA program back in Sacramento. When I moved to Dallas in ‘98, I switched to the MBA program at UT Dallas…and then decided not to continue when my programming class (required as part of my IT concentration, because all good managers know how to code Hello World! in C++) took place in a classroom without computers. No joke…we had to hand-write the code for Hello World! and turn it in. That wasn’t the sort of non-cutting-edge program I wanted to be involved in, even though I had successfully defeated the Calculus Monster the previous semester and didn’t want that effort to go to waste.

Then, University of Dallas started offering MBA courses at my workplace…and online…so I transferred all of my completed coursework there. After six years at that company and three additional classes (thank you, tuition reimbursement), I quit and went elsewhere and…well…life happened. You know how it is.

I recently joined LinkedIn and reconnected with some colleagues from my past, and am a bit embarrassed at where I am compared to them. I’ve never really been competitive professionally, but when you see contemporaries who have their MBAs now and are working in more substantial jobs than you, you tend to wonder if you’ve gone off-course. Generally, I’ll talk myself out of feeling a bit inferior by declaring how wonderful it is to work from home…and that I have flexibility they don’t…blah, blah. After three years here though, I’m wondering just how wonderful, ultimately, it really is.

Which, reminds me of a quote from When Harry Met Sally…and the sort of funky analogy it represents…

Sally: And Joe and I used to talk about it, and we’d say we were so lucky we have this wonderful relationship, we can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in. We can fly off to Rome on a moment’s notice. And then one day I was taking Alice’s little girl for the afternoon because I’d promised to take her to the circus, and we were in the cab playing “I Spy” - I spy a mailbox, I spy a lamp-post - and she looked out the window and she saw this man and this woman with these two little kids. And the man had one of the little kids on his shoulders, and she said, “I spy a family.” And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying. And I went home, and I said, “The thing is, Joe, we never do fly off to Rome on a moment’s notice.
Harry: And the kitchen floor?
Sally: [sadly] Not once. It’s this very cold, hard Mexican ceramic tile.

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It’s been a long time since I plugged Blingo…but I won $50 CASH the other day, courtesy of Tio Jaime. Because he was a referral of mine…I won, too! I’m rich, I’m rich, I’m independently wealthy!

Here’s what else I’ve won over the last two years…

• 16 movie tickets
• 2 $25 Amazon.com gift certificates
• 1 $50 Visa gift card
• 1 $200 Visa gift card
• 1 $10 iTunes gift certificate

Seriously…if you haven’t signed up yet, how can you go wrong with something that can give you free stuff just for your standard web browsing?

Well kids, last night was the season finale of Friday Night Lights and as you would expect, the Dillon Panthers got the knickers beaten off of them 52-0. Kidding. Really though, did anyone actually think they were going to lose? If they lose, you can’t have a big parade back in town the next day, and they still had a minute-forty two to fill.

Several weeks ago, there was an open casting call in these here parts to fill up Texas Stadium for the big episode…and CU and I thought about going out there just for the experience. But then…then we read something about possibly needing to sit around for 16 hours and we said…um…no.

I really did love the scene though, when the team walks into Texas Stadium…with all of the awe and amazement we haven’t seen since Hickory’s basketball team made it to State.

My one concern about the direction the show might be heading if/when it comes back next Fall…and I guess they had to do this to keep Coach and Mrs. Coach in the apparent social Utopia that is Dillon…Mrs. Coach is pregnant. Don’t get me wrong…if I could have my choice of two people to repopulate the Earth, it would be Tami and Eric Taylor.

However. I thought mid-life pregnancies, especially when you already have a thriving 15-year old daughter (not to mention a schoolful of kids in dire need of her help, about whom Mrs. Coach made an impassioned speech just last week and were willing to separate from your husband during the week to help), were reserved for shark-jumping seasons of shows like Family Ties, Growing Pains and Murphy Brown.

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Oh, Haley. The shorts and skirts keep getting shorter…the heels keep getting higher…the lips keep getting redder…and, apparently, even Simon Cowell is tiring of it. You’re a nice enough young woman…cut your losses and head on over to The Bachelor, where they’d appreciate your wares more.

Lest you think I fixated solely on Haley’s appearance for ninety seconds…that wasn’t the case. Her rendition of “Turn The Beat Around” (Was Vicki Sue Robinson a Latina? Or was she singing the Gloria Estefan version?) showed an utter lack of breath control, as she sounded likeIdowhenItry(BREATHE)to singthesong.

Everyone else was just…eh. I love “Sway”…and the Pussycat Dolls’ version is fantastic…but Simon was right, Mindy Doo seemed about fifty years old. However, I thought her performance was fantastically sexy, until the song ended and she went back to her Oliver Twisty personality. Weird. I guess you can turn sexy on and off like a switch.

LaKisha…looked fantastic, sang fantastic…and Simon’s a jerk, because the girl can dance just fine.

All of the guys were kind of a blur…Chris, Blake and Phil all sound exactly the same to me every week now…which drives me nuts. Chris will sing in that only falsetto key he seems to know now, even when cleverly hidden inside his “lower register”…and same with Blake. To be honest, I don’t think I even listened to Phil…what did he sing?

Jordin, as always, is wonderful…but the evening’s capstone was saved for…{whisper}…Sanjaya. I was talking to Mom last night (who “doesn’t care for” Sanjaya, by the way) and I told her that Sanjaya…and I honestly believe this…isn’t a terrible singer. He’s sort of strange in his choices, but aren’t those the folks we always make fun of…the ones who do things differently than us and therefore, make us feel awkward?

Although I would not besa him mucho, his voice was clear and didn’t need 15 backup singers (Haley, can you hear me over all of them?) to deliver the song. Randy declared him the “smartest contestant” and Simon didn’t think he was too bad. And this week, I think he actually meant it.

Bottom two: Phil and Haley. Please please please…let Haley go home.

Buh-bye Leeza, welcome back Drew!

I don’t know which part of his impromptu encore performance was more entertaining…seeing the Severe Thunderstorm Watch up in the corner of my TV screen the whole performance, or hearing Big & Rich sing the lyrics, “I sang ever Drew Lachey song I could think of, then we made love” - really? Name one Drew Lachey song…and “I Do (Cherish You)” doesn’t count, because we all know Screech from Saved By The Bell sang that one.

I’ve decided my new Favorite Thing To Do is watch The Bachelor: Incoming! with Capt. UberHusband. He is, without a doubt, the funniest person I know…as I can always count on him to say things like this:

While bachelorettes are wandering around in bikinis, drinking mimosas: “Take off your tops. I want to give you physicals.”

When Stephanie from South Carolina arrived at the yacht for her one-on-one date: “Wait until she finds out that isn’t really his boat.”

In reaction to some chick’s comment about how every guy wants to date a virgin: “No they don’t. No guy wants to date a virgin.”

During the Rose Ceremony’s meet-n-greet: “What on Earth is LT Andy drinking?” Oh wait…maybe that was me.

We did come up with a couple of new “twists” for next season. In the second episode, the Bachelor gets to give one bachelorette a special rose…a non-red rose. We’ll call it…the Fast Forward Rose.

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So, let’s talk about television last night…specifically, let’s talk about how critical the Paso Doble is on Dancing With The Stars. The bar was raised so high by Drew Lachey and Cheryl Burke in season two, that I now just assume no one else can bullfight like they did. Sadly, I was right.

Plus, the judges were in an odd mood last night. Although Carrie Anne correctly identified Billy Ray Cyrus’s Paso Doble as an odd combination of weird and hot and strange and sexy, Len and Bruno were bickering like a married couple…nitpicking everything, and making me grateful when Samantha Harris took over the microphone. Yeah, you won’t see me write that again.

I’ve said it before…song selection is critical…and unfortunately, the dancers have no choice in what song they get. I envision all of the couples standing around on Wednesday afternoon, drawing straws to see who gets stuck with This Week’s Sucky Song. Remember the week Lisa Rinna was saddled with “The Final Countdown”? Laila and Maksim drew the short straw this week. Who dances the Paso Doble to a march?

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Poor (and I meant that in a totally non-economic), victimized Al Sharpton & Jesse Jackson drive me absolutely buggy. Wide-eyed, bulging eyeball, spinning-circles-in-my-eyes buggy.

It never ceases to amaze me how if a white person says something “offensive”, he’s strung up and beaten like a pinata (no offense to any Hispanic readers, of course)…but if a black person does the exact same thing…for some reason society is obligated to turn a cheek and pretend it never happened. Remember the “George Bush hates black people” comment?

Then again…Isaiah Washington was sent to “rehab” for his anti-gay “slur”…but no one hauled him onto Good Morning America to demand his resignation from Grey’s Anatomy…oh no, they gave him an award, instead!

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Time to rip off the bandage this Memorial Day weekend, and get over my fear of going back to Chicago. Long-time readers will remember what happened the last time CU and I went took a trip to the Windy City.

Ironically, we’re heading up there for the wedding of one of CU’s roommates (tentmates? deploymentmates? sandmates?) in Iraq…and I had to go dig out CU’s discharge papers to verify, with 100% accuracy, that by some sicko twist of fate he couldn’t wind up going back. I’ve met the groom…once…the day they came back from Iraq. CU lived with him for 8 months, but me…I hardly know the guy, so it seems incredibly odd to be going to his wedding.

Anyhoo…now the fun part begins…where do we stay, what do we see…where do we eat…do we stay at the Conrad, where I can fall out of bed and roll right into Nordstrom? For giggles, do we follow Giada’s lead, or do we throw caution to the wind and plan nothing until we get there? Ahahaha…yeah, you’re right. I’d never do that.

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I decided to wait until noon-ish to talk about The Amazing Race, to give Joyce and Uchenna a chance to catch up to the rest of the world.

Lordy…how ugly was that? Last night’s episode started out innocently enough…leave Krakow, go to Kuala Lumpur. Seems easy enough, right? Wrong. CU and I got into a mildly heated discussion about when you should take a very big risk, and when you shouldn’t. He tends to lean towards risk…I on the other hand, am incredibly risk-averse.

For example, if I am in a race to win a million dollars…and I have fifteen minutes of wiggle room…I’m the one who will shake her head and say, “I dunno…what if we miss our connecting flight? What if we hit the jet stream and are taken 500 miles off course and come in 35 minutes late? What if the captain goes all wiggy, starts cursing at us, and our flight is cancelled? Then, we’ll show up 12 hours late and bloggers everywhere will make fun of us.”

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No, I’m not talking about his post-graduate ambitions…I’m talking about what a small world it is. Turns out, one of my co-workers knows someone who knows someone who knows Sanjaya’s family.

CU and I recorded (see post below, for full television pre-empting information) and watched Friday Night Lights last night (which was so very wonderful…if you’re not watching it, download it from iTunes…seriously…do it now…will be the best $40 you spend all month…guaranteed), and came into American Idol late, only to find Tony Bennett out with the flu (yeah, whatever).

Michael Bublé bravely stepped in to pinch-hit, doing his very best Blake Lewis impression. I love Michael Bublé, but the recording studio seems to be very good to him…live…not so much.

Bottom three…Phil, Haley & Gina…no Sanjaya…again. Phil is sent back to the corral, because the AI producers like screwing with this poor guy…and Gina is sent home. Fine by me. After watching a 90-second close-up of her tongue ring while singing “Smile” Tuesday night, that pretty much did me in. And, oh so sadly ironic she had to sing that same song on her way out last night.

Next week’s theme? Country! YEAH BABY! I think I could die a happy woman if I could hear Sanjaya sing, “I Like It, I Love It”…but I have this funny feeling I will be subjected to some sort of “Howdy Doody Reject” performance, instead.

**PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM CASA DE SNARK**

With Easter upon us, it’s likely many of our homes will be filled with chocolate. KEEP ALL CHOCOLATE WELL OUT OF REACH OF YOUR DOGS!

Last night, I was wondering where Cookie was when I heard Daisy rustling around in my office…sniffing, what I quickly found out, were the remains of a 3.5 oz. Lindt dark chocolate bunny, meant for CU’s Easter basket. There goes that surprise.

Unfortunately, it was Cookie…not Daisy, who had eaten the entire thing. She’s not a very clean eater, and the chocolate breath and smeared goo all over her mouth gave her away.

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I understand when people get on in years, society is a lot more tolerant of their fashion choices but, really now…Tony…a yellow blazer?

Last night’s American Idol theme was “Standards Anyone Can Sing In Any Key They Choose”. The standouts included the usual…Mindy Doo and LaKisha…but, who would have thought Chris Richardson would bring some updated sexy back to a song any woman around my age remembers as “The Love Theme From When Harry Met Sally?”

And Sanjaya…oh, Sanjaya. I was telling CU that he was actually pretty good in the auditions, but…has just gotten worse and worse. I’m not necessarily talking about the singing because…really…he was never going to win. However, is there a reason he feels the need to just phone it in now? When it looked like he was at least trying, I was able to get on board the “it’s so bad it’s good” train. Now though…with even Ryan Seacrest upping the mock factor…I don’t blame Simon for just sitting there and saying, “Whatever. You’re brilliant.”

Even the chick who went on a hunger strike until Sanjaya was voted off has given up…ironically…right before Easter! In retrospect..how awesome would it have been for all of us to have given up Sanjaya for Lent? Had we known then what we know now…

Tonight…please America…tell me you’re sending Haley “Bright Lights, Short Skirts” Scarnato home. We all know Sanjaya isn’t going anywhere.

As a side note…CU and I missed most of Dancing With The Stars, as WFAA decided to pre-empt most of the results show with some hooey about a tornado in Arlington and omnipresent doppler radar images. Wisely though, they cut back just in time for me to find out Lady and the Tramp Tattoo were sticking around…and Shandi & Slight were headed home.

Tonight…Friday Night Lights, Haley goes home…and Kate and Juliet roll around in the mud!

The last couple of weeks of promos for The Bachelor: Officer Island have driven CU and me absolutely bezerkeroo. “He’s a soldier! He’s a surgeon!”

No, he’s not! He’s a sailor, not a soldier! Cripes, ABC. We’ve been involved in the war on terror for several years now…time to acquaint yourself with intrinsic differences between the Army and Navy.

This season’s bachelor, LT Andy Baldwin, grew up in Amishland, went to Duke…had the choice (?) between becoming a SEAL and going to medical school…so he went to med school. Now, he’s “an undersea medical officer for a special operations dive unit stationed in Pearl Harbor.”

He loves children, has a heart of gold and…even does the Ironman triathalon thing. And, today’s his 30th birthday! On paper, he sounds amazing. But, does he have the mettle to go up against the biggest threat to our nation’s security…25 desperate women?

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I think I’ve figured out what my issue is with Shandi & Brian on Dancing With The Stars. Remember back in…oh, I don’t know…fifth or sixth grade, when they’d corral all of the kids in the cafeteria on rainy days and force us to learn important life skills like the Virginia Reel?

At that point, we ladies were starting to experience our growth spurt, while the boys were still stuck being shorter than us…and slighter than us. That’s CU’s word…slight…and how he described Brian in proportion to Ms. Shandissey.

No doubt, I’m sure Shandi & Brian are nice people…but they’re just…weird. They have zero chemistry, and…could their dancing be described as pitchy? Please, oh please…send them home tonight.

The Good: Joey & Kim, dancing the Tango to the Star Wars theme (with guest star R2-D2!); Ian & Cheryl, getting in touch with his inner Chippendale and rocking the shakin’ ass…and Skater Boi & Julianne, who are so very awesome together.

The Bad: While I do continue to give props to Heather Mills and the courage it takes to come out and do that thing she does each week now, talk about an unfair advantage. No one else gets to go get a bouncier leg so they can dance better. Hell, Master P clunked around on his own two stiff legs and managed to make it through 3 or 4 weeks of competition. While she was good, and girlfriend gets credit for coming out in the shoes she was wearing, she really wasn’t 24-points good. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to award this round of the competition to RoboLeg.

And, in rather efficient fashion, Leeza Gibbons’s “tramp” tattoo (giggle! it’s fake!) has replaced Phil Stacey’s knitted cap as the Next Big Thing. Such a cutthroat world…the land of sidekick accessories.

Hey…did you hear Survivor would be on tonight? No, not that Survivor…this Survivor! Rrrow!

I have a really low tolerance for whiners. Now, sometimes whining is justified as a means of blowing off steam, or just getting some negative emotions out about a really bad situation…but that’s not the kind of whining I’m talking about.

Oh, no.

I’m talking about the kind of whining you do when, say, your height-challenged partner on The Amazing Race is about 1/10th the size of the rather imposing animal standing next to her, is having difficulty maneuvering said animal because, oh, I don’t know, she’s wearing a suit of armor…and you…you have the audacity to gripe in the car that you do everything.

I believe it was about this stage of the race the last time Charla & Mirna were on the show, when I wanted to figure out a way to somehow crawl into the television, pin Mirna down and just let Charla go at her with some sort of native torture device from the country of {wherever they are that week}.

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Well…at least I figured out how to add text to a graphic file.

Good thing I have a book on the way my book is here.