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The last couple of weeks of promos for The Bachelor: Officer Island have driven CU and me absolutely bezerkeroo. “He’s a soldier! He’s a surgeon!”

No, he’s not! He’s a sailor, not a soldier! Cripes, ABC. We’ve been involved in the war on terror for several years now…time to acquaint yourself with intrinsic differences between the Army and Navy.

This season’s bachelor, LT Andy Baldwin, grew up in Amishland, went to Duke…had the choice (?) between becoming a SEAL and going to medical school…so he went to med school. Now, he’s “an undersea medical officer for a special operations dive unit stationed in Pearl Harbor.”

He loves children, has a heart of gold and…even does the Ironman triathalon thing. And, today’s his 30th birthday! On paper, he sounds amazing. But, does he have the mettle to go up against the biggest threat to our nation’s security…25 desperate women?

After seeing the intro and personal bio montage I realized…the bachelorettes are going to eat this poor guy alive. Over the years, the bachelors have become less…”manly” in my estimation, and the women have become increasingly predatory.

Seriously…they slink around…they undermine the competition, and they take every opportunity to puff out their chests and show…I don’t know…that they’re fertile and ready to repopulate the world?

If you’ve made it this far, since it’s highly likely you didn’t watch the show…I’ll give you the recap of the ladies who spurned the most commentary last evening…

Tina…26…medical student. She’s this season’s Gimmick Girl, bringing not just one cheesy overture with her, but two. The first is when they first meet post-limo. She says she recently got a fortune cookie…and shows him the fortune. “Your dreams will become reality.” Urgh. She’s nice though…and smart…and not plasticky. Things are looking good for her until later in the evening, when she decides she’s going to sing him a song. Wanna guess which song? If you guessed “The Star-Spangled Banner”, you’d be correct! Not only does she sing it with the unwavering confidence of Sanjaya, but it actually brings LT Andy to tears! Tears, I say! I am predicting it will be the…third episode when she produces the scarf she’s been knitting for him. Because, you know, they need scarves in Hawaii.

Linda…33…attorney. She’s out of the running right out of the gate, because she’s scary. If her gigantic eyes weren’t enough to scare LT Andy away, the fact that she challenged the guy to a push-up contest and said looking at him was like looking in a mirror surely sealed the deal.

Blakeney…29…likeohmygod,radiosales! Sloppy drunk. Sloppy. Like, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up drunk. Like, I’m so drunk I can’t effectively talk smack to…

Lindsay…22…student: Quite possibly the ugliest soul I think I’ve ever seen on this show. When LT Andy wisely bucked tradition and booted the drama queen in the first round, she spent the next twenty minutes holding the other 9 deposed troops hostage, complaining about how fake and plastic everyone there was. There was lots of bleeping, and lots of rhetoric about “If I was blonde and I had big boobs, I might have been in there longer.” She wraps her rant up with, “Truth be told, he’s short and his head is big and his teeth look fake so you wanna talk {bleep}, I’ll talk {bleep}.” Nice.

Nicole (26! Sales Manager!) and Tiffany Massachussetts (28! Medical Equipment Sales Rep!), once they found out it was LT Andy’s birthday, raided the house’s pantry to drunk-bake the world’s ugliest cake. Hey, that rhymes. Still dying to know…can tequila really be used as a substitute for eggs?

Showing all of us he’s a real American man, LT Andy also gave roses to the chick with the shortest skirt and the one with the biggest boobs.

Best part of the show? When CU said, “He is going to get so much grief when he gets back to Hawaii.”