This week on The Bachelor: 911!, our bevy of bachelorettes is subjected to Bloody Mary Boot Camp (Wait! We can’t start until I put on my mascara and moisturize my legs!), then sexy group dates involving mud wrestling, auto racing (or “driving lessons”, depending on who you are) and, in probably the meanest date idea ever, Andy takes Peyton and Tessa on a guided tour of the USS Mojito and then has to leave one behind…literally!

After Andy snuggles up to both of them and Peyton pours her heart out to him while Tessa looks at him sideways-y the whole conversation…LT Andy decides he has more of a connection with Tessa…so he gives Tessa the rose. Huh? Then, they just leave Peyton standing there on the tarmac, surrounded by airplanes, with nothing except a random blanket to keep her warm…as LT Andy and Tessa fly back to The House in a helicopter while she’s stuck waiting for the next Greyhound back. Whatever. Just sad.

Speaking of sad, the winner of the Excedrin “Power Through and GO” Rose last night was Bevin, who injured her previously-injured ankle while being harangued by the guy who taught Milhouse and Bart to play “BOMBARDMENT!” on The Simpsons. Cue ambulance siren. LT Andy arrives on the scene, SGT McYell asks…snicker…if he’s the medic and LT Andy…replies…snicker…”No, I’m a doctor.” Seriously.

The one scene the producers surely cut out due to the fact this show isn’t technically categorized as a sitcom, was the one when a representative from the ABC legal team also immediately rushed to the scene (again, cue ambulence siren) to show Bevin the notarized contracts and agreements she signed excluding ABC (and all related corporations, affiliates, non-profit organizations, government subsidized after-school programs and domestic help) from any liability. SGT McYell asks, “Are you the medic?” “No. We’re the attorneys.”

LT Andy proceeds to inaccurately diagnose Bevin’s injury as a “fracture” when it was really a “sprain” - by the way…what doctor diagnoses a fracture without an x-ray unless bone is actually protruding from skin? Anyway…his work there complete, LT Andy gives Bevin the rose, makes some lame reference to her as a “fallen soldier” and then they head off to their one-on-one date at…the hospital, where, he gives her a…watch? Huh? ABC couldn’t throw cash at her to prevent litigation, so they had Andy give her…what, his watch? Something from the gift shop? That was so strange and so odd…but not nearly as strange and odd as watching the other bachelorettes grill Bevin later about what she and Andy did on their “date”. Um, we were in a hospital…and it wasn’t really like Grey’s Anatomy, if that’s what you’re thinking.

Since Bevin is laid up with a sprained ankle, she has to forego the auto racing group date, which is unfortunate because Andy really thinks women who drive cars fast are hot. He needs to spend more time up on the Pali Highway when he gets back home…lots of fast drivers there. Once dressed up in their Top Car outfits, the ladies drive LT Andy around a course…well, except for Erin. Erin stalls the car, decides to confess to LT Andy she doesn’t know how to drive a stick shift…and he spends the next 59 seconds teaching her how to drive a stick-shift, so she won’t be as embarrassed when she makes it to The Amazing Race and has to drive a stick-shift through Mozambique. That’s what we need…Erin and what’s-her-name…her partner in crime from last week…the one that went home…they need to go on The Amazing Race. Or, perhaps, The Simpler Life.

I’ll just skip the “spa group date”, which was nothing but code for “mud wrestling and cocktails with girls in bikinis, followed by a sexy group shower where Stephanie from South Carolina practically crawls into LT Andy’s swim trunks.”

In seasons past, The Bachelor has unloaded women in rather quick fashion…from 25 to 15, then down to 10, etc. This season though…it seems like they’re trickling out much more slowly…although, I guess they’re not. I suppose the fact he’s giving roses mid-episode throws off my counting when we actually get to the Rose Ceremony.

Ultimately, not being able to drive a manual transmission is apparently a dealbreaker for LT Andy, as he sends Erin home. He also sends Amanda home, which I can’t help but think was a mistake. That he kept Nicole, with whom I believe the cameraman has probably had more one-on-one time, but sent Amanda home…wrong.

Since CU and I discussed last week how to liven up The Bachelor by injecting more aspects of The Amazing Race into the show, last night we discussed how it could benefit from a little American Idolization. For example, next week, we’ll bring J-Lo into the house to mentor the young women on the fine art of dating for both fun and profit! Ryan Seacrest can field viewer questions and flirt with Chris Harrison, and Paula can teach these young women that you don’t have to actually have a drink physically in your hand to show everyone you can act like you’re intoxicated.